Sir Paul Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 Issue #153 - World Edition | Pacifican Edition __________ Sir Paul New Imperial Officer in Charge Springfield, SIR PAUL: With the retirement of Hawk_11 and no Imperial Officer of Media Affairs yet named, control of the Tabloid Tribune has been again moved to the Imperial Clerk's Office; however, I intend to continue the reforms implemented by my predecessor. The Tribune will continue to have an external focus while discussing internal Pacifican matters, as well as providing a platform for a diversity of voices, both intramuros and extramuros. I thank you for your continued patronage during this time of transition, and hope to be running on all cylinders for our next issue. Best Wishes and in before "Hawk was better", Sir Paul, Imperial Clerk New Pacific Order __________ Hundreds Killed in Raid on NPO The November 21, 2009 performance of NPS Evermore was marred by bloodshed, mixed reviews Hydros, New Pacific Order: In what has been termed the NPS Evermore Massacre, soldiers from Kuyamatt26s nation entered the Water Theatre on the evening of November 21, 2009 and opened fire on the audience. The finale of the show proved to be the final curtain for 324 Pacificans. An audio recording of the massacre was captured and can be listened to here. The wounded were taken to Aquatine General Hospital which strugged to provide services when their emergency generator was taken out by mortar fire. A national day of mourning was called by Emperor Blackbird to remember our fallen comrades and to look forward to a day when all Pacificans will once again have the right to self-defense. Praetorian Guard records demonstrated that kuyamatt26 was not attacked by G15 forces, and no G15 aid came to Hydros. The NPS Evermore is a Sir Paul and Sullivan collaboration and is the first light-opera that the Tabloid Tribune has attempted to produce. It's run in tertiary markets has been well-received by the public, mostly due to catchy tunes and sharp wit which has been a halmark of the Tribune. However, critical acclaim remains somewhat elusive, as many find the Deus ex Machina revealed by Mary Fantabulous at the end of the Second Act which solves everyone's problems to be over-the-top. The NPS Evermore will finish its run at the Water Theatre on December 31, 2009 and begin a limited engagement Jan 3 at the Metropolitan Playhouse in Seasons of Love. ----- Written by Sir Paul and Jesse End, Graphics by Lord Valleo The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Zombies and You: A Practical Guide The Order is prepared for the Zombie Invasion, are you? Francograd, New Pacific Order: So, the worst has happened and you're facing the zombie apocalypse. Almost all of your loved ones, neighbors, house cats, etc. have been transformed into flesh-eating creatures. Believe it or not, it's a problem that many people have planned for, and you certainly should be no different. If your preparations have been a little bit... lacking, however, we are here to help you. Below, allow me to present five tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse. 1. Find friends - but check them! Going it alone is dangerous. After all, you'll want to sleep sometime, and besides, it can get lonely being the only person fighting off the hordes of the undead. One of the smartest things you can do is find a new person to tag along with you. Make sure that they have a weapon of some sort (but not better than yours) and make them feel important by naming them your "second-in-command." However, make quite sure that they are NOT a zombie before adding them to your party of one. Nothing is more embarrassing than discovering too late that your new partner in crime actually wants your brains. 2. Use height. This one is one that all too often we don't see employed properly. Congrats, you have this amazing, fortified safe house. How would you like, though, to not even have to worry about fortifications? Zombies seem to have a fear of heights - they don't climb very well. Use this to your advantage. Plus, this helps if, contrary to the advice in tip #1, you discover your assistant is in fact a zombie - a quick shove fixes that problem lickity-split. 3. Choose your weapons carefully. A 9mm pistol with a couple of clipsmagazines? Eh, it's alright. A shotgun is just more fun when it comes to killing the undead, however. The problem with all firearms, though, is ammo - eventually, you will run out, just the way it happens. My recommendation? A chainsaw. Make sure you've got some gas stockpiled - you should, especially if you've read tip #4 - and there's nothing better for slicin' and dicin' some zombie gray matter. 4. Stockpile. Stockpile. Stockpile. If you're going to die in the zombie apocalypse - and, let's face it, you probably will - would you rather kick the bucket because you ran out of food and water, or would you rather go out in a blaze of glory and gunfire, takin' them !@#$%^&* with you? Yeah, the answer to that one should be easy enough. Food, water, gasoline (if you plan on driving anywhere, or to power an electric generator)... make a list and, much like good ol' St. Nick, make sure you check that damned thing twice. 5. Don't lose The Game. Don't let your guard down - once the zombie apocalypse starts, Earth is pretty much screwed. Try your hardest to repopulate it - when you're the last guy on the face of the planet who wants her body and not her brains it'll be difficult to say no - but keep in mind that you're not really safe. Sleep in shifts. Don't go skipping down the street thinking everything is peachy-keen: remember, keep your trigger-finger ready for anything that might stumble your way. ----- Written by Farrin, Graphics by Lord Valleo The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ The Quotable Karma: Londo Mollari In his own words. "Most of the grief that has come out of war in this realm has done so because people attempt to utterly crush their opponents, to wipe them out of the world, to prevent them from ever possibly threatening to do the same thing to them." Londo Mollari, November 14, 2009 "New Pacific Order, your crimes come to an end today. We have become an instrument in the hands of Karma." Londo Mollari, April 21, 2009 "The NPO front of Karma was less concerned with providing for a bright new future and more concerned with making sure that NPO's threat potential was reduced for a long, long time." Londo Molari, December 2, 2009 "There is no difference, morally speaking, between attacking a single nation without his consent, and attacking 5 nations, or 10 nations, or 15 nations, or even 39 nations." Londo Mollari, November 14, 2009 "Athens is going to be making things right with KoFN for our unprovoked and unprecedented tech raid." Londo Mollari November 14, 2009 "We don't "owe" reparations to anyone." Londo Mollari, December 2, 2009 "The reason that Karma objected to your signing Red Dawn was that it was widely seen not as an attempt at integration into the world system, but a naked bid to reassert your supremacy and dominance over the Red Trading Sphere." Londo Mollari, December 2, 2009 "But in the end, what will happen is that one of the karma alliances will just say "No". And at that point, there's not a lot anyone can do." Londo Mollari December 2, 2009 "I will bring up the idea of lifting the 1k tech restriction now, though. Perhaps that can speed up the terms process and allow you to regain full sovereignty sooner." Londo Mollari December 2, 2009 ----- Written by Londo Mollari The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Top 10 Reasons Why NPO Reps Will Take a Year Trust me: This beats his previous segment "Know Your Cuts of Baby Meat." 10) Bilrow is happiest as a martyr: Ever since end of major hostilities in the Karma Conflict, Bilrow has been able to do his favorite activity: be a victim. He's been happy to point out the unpunished raids on Pacifican nations, the unpaid KoN reparations, and great injustices against Pacificans. The Order fully supports his bid to become the most loathed player of 2010, and remaining under terms is the best way for that to happen. 9) We don't want to make Athens look bad: We all know that deep down, Londo is a swell guy, and the Order wants to put him in the best light as possible. It would look really bad if we paid off our reparations before KoN got theirs, so we're putting on the breaks so Athens looks better by comparison. You're welcome. 8) We need more punishment: I really feel that the terms were far too lenient. The permanent terms, the most nominally, the most proportionally, the most from top nations, the infringement on the sovereignty of our allies, the secret terms, none of that is enough penance for the sins of Ivan, Doppleganger, Electron Sponge, Tygaland, (insert other post-Pacificans). We need to stretch this penance out as long as possible to cleanse our souls. 7) It helps unify Red: Every day that the G15 refuses to ratify the Red Dawn Treaty is one more day of Red coming closer together. Red is engaged, focused, and working toward integration and the artificial obstacles of the G15 has only hardened Red's resolve to become an economic powerhouse if only to spite the screw you attitude of the G15. 6) I can keep doing Sing-Along-War-Reports: If the war ends, then I'll have to give up my singing, but since NPO nations are still under attack and under terms, the occupation is still going on and I can continue my Sing-Along-War-Reports. It's the only reasonable weapon we have left. 5) We have a sense of drama: If we were clearing the minimum reparation amount by double every month, then there would be no doubt about our ability to make the terms payments, but by falling behind and then catching up, it adds a drama that is really lacking in today's world. 4) Makes the Tabloid Tribune funnier: Back when NPO was on top, the Tabloid Tribune was considered offensive, arrogant, unwitty, and banal. Now, even my harshest critics will at least concede that points of it are entertaining and funny. Did I become a better writer after the fall of the hegemony? No! It's simply much funnier to poke those in power than those under your jackboots. A downtrodden NPO is PNN's ticket to success. 3) Our commitment to world peace: After the Great Patriotic War, the world came together to sign the "For the Love of God, won't you please think of the Children" treaty, which banned the use of nuclear weapons in major hegemonic wars. This helped save countless lives, minimized the impact on neutrals, and caused the world to be engulfed in peace. The Order is still committed to the promotion of peace, and firmly believes that <insert bloc> will not be rolled while NPO nations are paying reparations. No one wants to risk interrupting the flow of wealth from this fountainhead, and even with a splintering Karma Coalition, hatred of the Order and desire to see it drained will ensure no wars until the last Franco is paid. 2) Time to prepare counter-measures: We all know that the Karma War was simply the first battle of a multi-year plan to utterly destroy all things Pacifican. Whether this happens before terms are completed or after terms are completed doesn't really matter, since purchasing technology and nuclear weapons is something that takes time that the Pacificans will not have. As such, dragging out the terms will give us the necessary time to install people sympathetic to the Pacifican cause into positions of power in key alliances (thank God for democracy). 1) Four Words: Twelve Months Interest-Free. ----- Written by Sir Paul The Taboid Tribune: One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ PaulsLIST Because sometimes a picture of your genitals just won't do ===NOTICE TO LONDO=== The Citizens for a Better Tomorrow have gathered posts that we feel may be violations of your open world forum policy regarding references to force. Per your request, we are presenting them to you. "How about this: Next time one of your nations mobilizes to defend NPO against a rogue like SilentKiller did today, we'll flatten them for term violations instead of letting them change to a different AA. If we wanted to be jerks we would."rsoxbronco1 December 1, 2009"Wait until just before your terms expire. That's when the real surprise is scheduled for."rsoxbronco1 December 1, 2009 The Citizens for a Better Tomorrow thank you for your attention, and will always be at your disposal. ===THREAD OF THE WEEK=== A tip of the hat to Starfox for creating a thread that has it all: philosophy, drama, insurgency, NPO hating, NPO admiration, SF v. Frostbite, Vox v. Vox, the TOP-MHA-Gramlins love triangle, and moderator warnings. If you read only one thread this week, read the Tabloid Tribune. If you read TWO threads, check out What the Vox Movement Represented, a Starfox production. Starfox, doing something about it for over three years. Revised on December 13, 2009 Edited December 13, 2009 by Sir Paul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomcat Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Don't worry, Hawk_11 was never good. EDIT: I wonder if this is the propaganda piece we heard about in that Bilrow-Cortath log dump? Edited December 12, 2009 by Tomcat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beauty Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Aww, Cute read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senekis Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Loved the compilation of quotes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Maximus Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Fantastic issue. I love "The Quotable Karma" Keep it up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prime minister Johns Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Nice collection of quotes. Keep the tabloid presses rolling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GulagArchipelago Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 A very nice and enjoyable read I must say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haflinger Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I think I like reason #4 best. Sir Paul has been frequently underrated in the past. That seems to be going away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldie Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I dunno, I think this one was definitely lacking the humor and wit of previous issues. I guess when you lie it makes for a more entertaining dispatch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilrow Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I like reason #10. o/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorldConqueror Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I laughed the whole way through. Great edition Sir Paul, especially the top 10. o/ the Imperial Clerk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tromp Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Oh look, another character attack... It's the same story all over again. An A+ for trying, F for the result. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcades057 Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Chainsaws over firearms for zombie defense? Good sir, I hope your upper-body strength is as strong as your wit or you'll be chowed upon in short order! (Loved the quotes) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bakamitai Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Saw the advance copy. Laughed again at the real one. Would read again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nada2486 Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 haha this always makes me laugh for some reason. But in a good way . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaoshawk Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I always loved the Tabloid Tribune. Always a good read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learz Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Great read! Also, did someone mention zombies? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Branimir Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Really loved the #9th, lol'd. Best publication around, great addition the "Top 10 reasons for/why xy". Thank you for the effort, only thing worth reading around here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yevgeni Luchenkov Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 "To the Staff of the Tabloid Tribune, We, assembled Zombies, take offense at some of the advices you gave to your readers, regarding a Zombie Apocalypse. First of all, the Zombie invasion is a reality and it has nothing to do with an Apocalypse. Second, possessing self-will, we know how to use stairs. Third, we firmly believe mankind has failed in bringing any kind of global peace. We will succeed where your species have failed. Regards, An annoyed undead reader," Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mpol777 Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 A 9mm pistol with a couple of clips? Overall I rate that zombie plan 2/10. Too cliche, assumes a specific type of zombie and if you're even remotely concerned about running out of ammo, then it's likely the rest of your preps are poor as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weirdgus Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Awesome issue! Sir Paul does awesome work as always! o/ the Imperial Clerk Edited December 12, 2009 by Weirdgus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin32891 Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Great read Sir Paul, I loved the quotes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Virginia Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Oh look, another character attack... Boo frigging hoo. Grow a pair and then a spine. Everyone makes attacks. It is part of how things work. Really, I doubt you've never ever made a "character attack" once in your life. So get over it sweetheart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivan Moldavi Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 When you want to fool the world, tell the truth. Great read, as always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Il Impero Romano Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Boo frigging hoo. Grow a pair and then a spine. Everyone makes attacks. It is part of how things work. Really, I doubt you've never ever made a "character attack" once in your life. So get over it sweetheart. I think his annoyance is with the repetitive nature of the attacks in issue after issue, not with the concept of attacks themselves. I see his point, these papers have the same type of jokes over and over and over again, it just gets old. However, I think we are suppose to post something like "OMG SOOooo FUNNY" and "GREAT READ SIR PAULL!!!!1!!1" as responses or we could face dire consequences, so we should probably cut this convo out here :x Edited December 13, 2009 by Il Impero Romano Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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