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The Christmas Miracle

Groucho Marx

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How the Gangbangers saved Christmas

Gather 'round, boys and girls. It's time for a Christmas story. I am Emperor Marx and I am here to tell you about a little Christmas miracle that happened tonight. This all begins in the North Pole where Santa’s elves were busy making toys for all the good little moralists in the world. Santa’s brother, Mike Cringle, was walking around the sweat shops as the elves worked day and night making Twilight action figures of Edward and that one pale chick, and other exciting toys. He cracked the whip and yelled at the elves who were off task, and they would quickly resume making toys. The reindeer were running and running for days on end to make certain they were physically fit for all the work they would have to do on Christmas Eve, ferrying the fat man around the world to leave crap under the tree and steal food from homes he visited.

One night, a group of disgruntled elves got together and began to think of ways they could approach the jolly old fat slaver about worker’s rights and workmen’s compensation. After many hours and a few dozen beers they came to a solution; they were going to have that fat !@#$%^&’s brother kidnapped and held for ransom. It was a daring plan, a stupid plan. And it would cost them a lot of money, but who were they going to get to do such a dastardly deed? They turned to the likes of Somali Pirates for the job. They hoped the pirates would be able to scare Santa into giving into their demands

The pirates wasted no time once they received their payment of $5,000 and a 24 pack of Mr. Pibb. Before the end of that night, Mike Cringle was kidnapped while he was on a break outside one of the sweatshops he ran in the North Pole. A ransom note was taped to the door demanding that Santa provide better minimum wage, shorter hours and universal healthcare to his Elves or else they would execute Mike Cringle. A disturbing picture made it’s way to the News stations all around the world making headlines.

Santa realized he needed to do something. He wasn’t going to let a bunch of munchgans tell him how to run his business. Hell, he crapped bigger than them. No way that he would bend to the will of a bunch of funny looking turds in stupid costumes. But he didn’t want his brother to be killed either which left him in quite a predicament. The elves started striking at the factories, production was ground to a standstill. He had to think of something, and think it up quick; He was going to buy out the Somali Pirates using a little trick. But he would need some help or else things might end in a bloodbath. Not that Santa cared, he’s used to making others suffer so he could continue to use this Christmas gig to steal from the houses he visited and delivering drugs and guns to his homies, the Crips.

There was only one group of hired guns that could the job right, who were badass enough and gangster enough to ice any buster who gave them trouble. Even though the group had officially disbanded so long ago, they were still feared in the ghetto. Nobody came to their set at dark for fear of getting capped and defiled in disgusting sexual ways. This gang was \m/.

Santa knew they were dangerous and was nervous about walking into their hood at 1 in the morning on a Saturday night. The houses that lead into the cul-de-sac were locked down tight to prevent thieves from getting in. Crackheads ambled about the street, running quickly from one shadow to another. Brittney Murphy and Tiger Woods were in front of a crack house enjoying some Snoop Dogg and a line of coke with a bunch of other gangbangers in this house at the end of the street. Woods was busy grinding on a group of blond haired prostitutes. It was lit up, cars all around, gangbangers out in the street. They turned towards the white man in a red suit as he walked down the street. The music stopped.

"Is... Is this... 'em'?" Santa Claus muttered meekly.

"That ain't how you pronounce it." grumbled the largest and most terrifying of them all.

"Well... how do you pronounce it?"

"Get yo momma here and I'll show you."

The gang roared with laughter. Santa Claus apologized profusely and desperately tried to keep from wetting himself. They were going to kill him, he knew it.

Susan Boyle came out of the crack house and saw everyone wasn’t paying attention to her and began to cry. The gang stopped laughing and glared at Boyle. She started to sob and wail really loudly, one of the gang members told her to shut the hell up but she continued to wail. Finally the big gang member shot Boyle through the temple, ending the brief interruption. Chris Cringle was now absolutely terrified.

“Who the hell let this skanky hoe in this house party? What the hell did I tell you about inviting busters to this crap, Goby?” demanded the large gang member.

“Sorry boss, aight? She said she had some good stuff for us-”

“Shut the hell up. Now, Mr. Cringle what you doin’ on our set bro?” asked the large man.

“I, um, need help fighting some pirates. They kidnapped my brother and those damn elves are behind it.” he whispered, overcome with fear.

“What, the Keebler Elves got your brother?” asked another gang member.

One of the foulest characters slid up behind the fat old !@#$%^&, slipped a shank up tight onto Cringles ribs and said "what cho talkin about foo?"

Realizing that he had better get his offer out before he ended up cut and roasting over a nearby burning barrel he cleared his throat and stuttered out, "I heard you bruthas do a bit of contract work"

To this, many in the crowd started chanting "stick him, stick him, stick him.“ A quiet dude who had been taking it all in from the shadows step forward and asked "What are you getting at and what are you offering?"

Santa then explained to them what he needed done. It was his only shot at getting the elves under control so they can get back to work and save Christmas. If the little moralist children didn’t get their presents, a crusade would be waged against Santa threatening his very life and way of conducting business. He’d be forced to conform to the will of the vocal minority in order to survive, and he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life losing money every Christmas. He had no other choice.

“How much is the job paying?” the gang member asked again.

“One hundred and fifty,” Santa replied.

“One fifty? I think you mean a quarter.”

“…Fine, you got it. A Quarter Billion. Just bring him back alive.”

“You got it, Mr. C.” said the big gang member. “Yo Marx, go get the Blackhawk.”

“On it, Chief.” The other gang member who had asked Santa about the deal ran behind the big crack house, supposedly to the helicopter.

“We’ll get your bro back; everyone gear up. We’ve got work to do.”

The gang took off into the house to get their equipment. A helicopter rose over the house and landed in the middle of the cul-de-sac and within moments a team gangbangers equipped with body armor, helmets with night vision goggles, M4s mounted with silencers and extended magazines piled into the helicopter and they lifted off. Santa stood in the middle of the street, jaw dropped and wondering what the hell he had just gotten himself into.

-~*One Week Later*~-

Santa sat on his throne back at the North Pole, worrying. It was Christmas Eve, and he had finally gotten the Elf strikes to end and production back at peak capacity. Where were those gang members he hired to get his brother back? Santa was getting worried and was about to just go out on his run for the night when he heard the rotary blades of a helicopter echoing through the tundra. The sound grew louder. Santa stood up and hobbled outside, cursing himself for being overweight, but by then it was too late.

A slightly overweight man, trussed up in tape and his head covered in a bag, was laying on the door step. Santa removed the bag over the man’s head and was overcome with joy to see his brother’s face. He was unconscious but there was a note taped to his forehead, it read;

“Your bro is about as annoying and stupid as you are so we had to gag him. He’ll be awake in a couple hours and all that shizzle, and guess what? You don’t have to pay us dude. Our gift to you.

Peace, fool.”

Chris Cringle grinned to himself and called for some help to get his brother inside. “Heh, thanks \m/. There couldn’t be a Christmas without you.”

And you know what? I agree. Behold;

To set the mood as you read;

I. Preamble:

\m/ is a collection of nations that have come together with mutual views on freedom and democracy. We understand that a helping hand is a controlling hand.

II. Membership/Separation:

1. Joining \m/:

i. Nations of any strength may join as long as they meet the following criteria:

a. Cannot be engaged in war of any kind. If currently at war with another nation, you must declare peace before consideration.

b. Cannot be considered a rogue, terrorist, or be on a ZI list for another alliance. \m/ is not a safe haven to escape past discrepancies. You must settle any outstanding issues that you may have with another alliance before being considered for membership.

c. Cannot be a current member of another alliance or an applicant. If you have already applied elsewhere and would like membership here instead, you must contact the other alliance and notify them of your intentions.

d. We're black, y'all. And we're black, y'all. And we're blackity black, and we're black, y'all. Well, at least new joins are. Also, pink.

ii. Nations which wish to join must acknowledge charter policies by stating the following:

"I, **Nation Ruler** of **Nation Name**, have read the \m/ charter. I'm not going to be dumb about this."

iii. Lastly, nations wishing to be granted membership must post the following information in the Member Sign-Up forum:

Nation Name:

Ruler Name:

Team Color:

Nation Link:

Nation Strength:

Former Alliances:

Are you currently on any ZI Lists?

Where did you hear about how bad $@! we are?

2. Leaving \m/:

i. You may leave during peacetime with no consequence provided you have no outstanding debts to its members.

ii. Leaving during a declared time of war is considered desertion. You may leave \m/ if you choose but this means you're a !@#$% and a coward. We don't like those sorts, and we'll take whatever action we feel is necessary to make things a pain in the $@!.

III. Member Expectations:

1. Don't act dumb. Great swaths of freedom are provided to you, and we stand as a group to protect your freedoms to the greatest extent possible. This doesn't mean you should abuse these whenever you want. Discretion is generally a good thing. We expect you to police yourself -- or else we will police you. If a triumvir tells you to behave, this means you've skylined yourself in front of the top leadership. For your own future well being, listen to the triumvirs.

IV. Leadership:

1. The chain of command for \m/ is as follows:

i. The Triumvirate

ii. War Minister

iii. Foreign Affairs Minister

iv. Internal Affairs Minister

v. Director of \m/land Security

vi. Minister of Finance

vii. Minister of Trades

These individuals are the only ones authorized to speak on behalf of the alliance, and only in regard to their respective positions.

These individuals are in a position of servitude; thus, they exist to serve the alliance. The alliance does not exist on their behalf. FAVORITISM HAS NO PLACE IN \m/. If you expect preferential treatment on the basis of your bra size (or even the existence of a bra, which as everyone knows, doesn't exist on the Interweb), gender, or who you know, then you'd better look for another alliance not so easily swayed by retardery.

i. The Triumvirate: Responsible for alliance oversight. All major decisions, including war declarations, member erections, ejections, mergers, treaty collaborations, shall be approved by two of three triumvirs. Triumvirs serve for life. Should one resign or be impeached, the remaining two Triumvirs will choose a nominee to fill the void and an emergency election shall be held. 75%+ of the alliance must vote to approve the nominee before he can made a Triumvir.

ii. War Minister: Heads up the alliance military to include the creation of war lists, maintenance of individual enemy lists, and the creation and maintenance of unit organization. Contacts the triumvirate with information about all aggressive action.

iii. Foreign Affairs Minister: Conducts foreign affairs to include embassy creation and inter-alliance coordination.

iv. Internal Affairs Minister: Conducts the day-to-day affairs of alliance operations to include member masking, recruiting and updating membership rosters. The triumvirate prefers tech-savvy individuals in this position.

v. Director of \m/land Security: Responsible for the operational security of \m/, ghostbusting in assistance to the Minister of Internal Affairs and keeping the Salahis out of important \m/ state dinners. The Director is appointed by the Triumvirate, requiring a 3/3 vote of the Triumvirate to instate the Director of \m/land Security.

vi. Minister of Finance: Responsible for organizing Tech Deals, member Aid, Development projects and writing and/or maintaining Economics guides. The Triumvirate prefers organized and number-savvy individuals in this position.

vii. Minister of Trades: Hooks up your trades.

2. Impeachment:

i. Triumvirs may be tried by impeachment proceedings upon a simple majority from the collective ministers. They may be removed from office by means of alliance democracy.

ii. Ministers may be removed at any time deemed necessary by a simple majority triumvir vote.

3. Elections for Deputy Ministers shall be held trimonthly starting on the 13th day and ending on the 15th day.

4. Votes of No Confidence

i. May be called by the members of the alliance for a Minister or Deputy Minister with a simple majority (51%), then a secondary election will be held depending on if it is a Minister or Deputy Minister being removed

ii. A Deputy Minister can be recalled by (51%) of the vote

iii. A minister may be removed by (65%) of the vote

V. War:

1. Inter-alliance war, whether it be aggressive or defensive, is sometimes necessary. A majority approval from the Triumvirate is necessary to declare war.

i. Nuclear First Strike Policy: The government & members of \m/ realize that nuclear weapons are beneficial to the alliance and fully support nuclear development. We also realize that nuclear weapons are built for 2 reasons:

A. Deterrent

B. To cause maximum damage to enemy nations. Therefore \m/ authorizes nuclear first strikes in war, unless deemed not necessary by the Triumvirate (for duels, mass raids, etc.)

2. Inter-alliance ceasefires and peace declarations will only be approved by the Triumvirate.

VI. Nation-on-Nation War:

1. \m/ does not promote or encourage single-nation war, but will allow individuals to fight in accordance with the following guidelines:

i. You will only declare war on one nation at a time.

ii. Other \m/ nations are under no obligation to provide any assistance to your nation.

iii. You will not declare war on a nation within an alliance. \m/ defines an alliance as any group of nations with more than 10 members.

VII. In-game Spying:

1. Spying is aggression.

2. If we discover members of another alliance spying on one of our members, the aggressive alliance will be contacted. The nation in question will be dealt with and reparations may be received. No \m/ nation is to attack this nation unless approved by the triumvirate or war minister.

VIII. Charter

1. Editing or amending the current charter:

i. A copy of the previous version of this charter must be permanently archived to preserve the history of the living document.

ii. All changes and additions to the current text requires triumvirate approval.

IX. Miscellaneous

1. \m/ also recognizes:

i. Alice in Chains rocks your face off.

ii. Metallica used to kick a lot of $@!, it no longer does.

iii. Chris Cornell was dead to us upon the release of his solo album.

2. Geocaching is the official alliance sport.

3. We support the U.S. military, and the Marine Corps in particular. Semper Fidelis.

4. Coffee's for closers only.

5. Free speech: No one will be ejected, banned, etc., on the basis of speech in our IRC channel or on the forums alone. Propriety and context are expected elsewhere. In short, refer to III, 3.

Commonly-used terms:

-- i dont even know whats going on: You don't even know what's going on. Used most often after a member has recently joined a conversation.

-- \m/: When used as an adjective, generally refers to something awesome.

-- tech raid: All wars are tech raids until the game mechanics allow individuals to isolate what is taken or destroyed in war.

And our starting line-up;

Triumvirate; Chief Savage Man, Emperor Marx, Comrade Goby

Director of \m/land Security: Merrie Melodies

Minister of War: Extra Duty

Deputy: D3filed

Minister of Internal Affairs: Inmate

Minister of Foreign Affairs: King Xander

Deputy: 519Nigras

Minister of Finance: Druss The Legend

Minister of Trades: StOAKEd

Deputy: Gerald Meane

Stay tuned for a series of treaties, guys. We'll be moving over to the Black Sphere throughout the next few weeks.

Our forums are; http://blinging13.com/forums/index.php

Our IRC Channel is; #\m/

Server; irc.synirc.net

Port 6667

Oh snap, we're blinging again.

\m/ >_< \m/

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