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Orbiter on standby.


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"Orbiter on standby. Systems A-OK for re-entry."

The message, repeated every hours, is the reminder that the door is open. Stepping through it is a different matter, and one that gives us pause.

We are the last to wear the circle and the grenade, the last remnant of something monumental that once demanded that the world look upon its works and despair. A sycamore seed helicoptering in the wind and flung far away even as the tree burns.

Nearly two years ago, we set out from Planet Bob far below us. Our mission: to form a colony on the newly fertile moon, to extend the dominance of the Order to worlds beyond our own. For months, we thrived and sent good news back home. There were skirmishes, conflicts, nothing world-ending. With the strength of our Order we always knew we were stable.

Then, communications were lost with Earth. We thought at first there had been a natural disaster, dustclouds or sunspots or something else to explain the radio silence and the sudden increase in radiation.

In isolation, in darkness, we had no choice but to rebuild, and rebuild we did. No longer the people of Earth, we were those of the moon, left to our own devices and our own judgment. Our empire grew, and as the politics of our new world calmed into quiet agreement, we turned our eyes back to our old home. Probes sent to Bob reported the slow clearing of the radiation, but still no word from home.

Finally, we sent a manned mission into Earth orbit.

What they found explained everything, explained it and increased our horror at what we had escaped.

Would we have been better off not knowing? Perhaps, but to be human is to confront what you fear most, to look at the killer in the mirror and name him.

A great war, a titanic conflict that redrew the map. Our Order, fighting to the last man, wiped out and defeated, the only sign of their existence in history books written by their conquerors.

Worse almost than that we were destroyed was what we had become as it happened. Reports of our leadership driven mad, burning their own treaties and their own alliances. Trying to break the world, send everything out in a blaze of fire. What madness had afflicted them, we knew not. All we knew was that the very name of our Order was anathema.

In the pressurized domes of the moon, we watched and shivered in fear. We could not return, not now, not like this. To land would be to invite destruction. Thus, we sent not ourselves but our words, quiet whispers to kind ears. The message we sent, that we were not what they had become. We burned no cities, committed no atrocities. We did not mind being judged, but we wished such judgment to be for ourselves, not for the actions of others.

Slowly it was built. Not accord, not alliance, but a chance. One chance to show we were what we claimed, perhaps one chance more than we deserved.

So here we sit, in orbit, the landers ready for planetfall and our return.

"Orbiter on standby. Systems A-OK for re-entry."

One last look to the stars, to the moon.

It's time.

"Order is given. Re entry on my mark. Mark."

A boost of thrusters, the shake of turbulence and anxiety.

GOONS are coming home.


A Writ of Peace

We, the undersigned, recognize the sovereignty of the Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism, and recognize that as per this announcement, no state of war exists between our alliances and theirs.


Grand Global Alliance

Degenerate108, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm

scotchwithrocks, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm

KungFuHamster, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm

Sognatore, Elder Statesman

BearerofTruth, Elder Statesman

Emperor Lester II, Elder Statesman

ironchef, Elder Statesman

Blood and Honor, Regent

Independent Republic of Orange Nations

FinsterBaby, President

Iamthey, Secretary of State, IRON Councilor

Shan Revan, Deputy Secretary of State, IRON Councilor

Peron, Minister of Defense, IRON Councilor

Griffon, Deputy Minister of Defense, IRON Councilor

MCRABT, Minister of Internal Affairs, IRON Councilor

Matt Miller, Minister of the Vault, IRON Councilor

Krash, Minister of Labor, IRON Councilor

Grizz Goose, Minister of Central Intelligence, IRON Councilor


A note from the author:

Hello everyone.

You might have been caught a little bit by surprise to find the word "GOONS" being used in CN without several hundred nations reaching for the "attack" button. Let us calm your troubled nerves a little bit with some soothing words that will hopefully make you not want to kill us.

Who we are:

We are a group of players of Cyber Nations and other similar games. Most of us are also members of the website somethingawful.com. We have bonded here and elsewhere, and we essentially want to play the game together and have fun. Some of us were in the original GOONS, albeit largely in non-command positions. Some of us were not. Many of us are new to Cyber Nations.

Who we aren't:

We aren't the old GOONS. We aren't trying to break the game. We weren't leadership in the old CN GOONS, and although those of us who were in GOONS fought hard for our alliance when they were at war, our fights were in-game and in-character.

What we want to do:

We want to have fun. We want to do the things that made the game fun the first time GOONS were here. We want to play the game with people we like and not get attacked for things that other people did a year and a half ago. We want, in short, to be the GOONS this game deserves.

What we don't want to do:

We don't want to settle old scores. We weren't those people and we don't hold those grudges. We're not out to break anything or advance any cause other than playing the game our way.

And that's it, essentially. We're all nice guys (except salithus). We're all just trying to have fun in the game. We scrub up nicely and could be introduced to your parents without it causing too much of a fuss (except salithus).

So anyway, the point of this is that we're back.


lamuella, Member Emeritus of GOONS


Greetings denizens of Bob,

GOONS are indeed home at last. I have come forward today to announce our existence and hopefully put your minds at ease. I am salithus, Pilot of GOONS. Joining me are Sardonic, CoPilot of GOONS, Lace, Secretariat of GOONS, and Bloodjewel, Strategos of GOONS. We are supported by lamuella, Member Emeritus of GOONS and many others who have worked diligently towards this day.

First, I would like to say that we are not the same GOONS who were destroyed over a year ago. We are primarily a group who have returned to Bob from the moon, for some this is even their first time setting foot on Bob. Hailing from the site known as SomethingAwful, we are as irreverent and lighthearted as any goons may be, but we intend to keep that in character and have no place for out of character harassment.

Second, we would like to thank DFD and Swiper and our other friends at NpO, Dilber, DarkMistress, MaskOfBlue, Triyun, VektorZero, hawk_11, and our other friends at NPO, as well as chefjoe, SkyGreenChick*, Richard_Rahl, and our other friends at Valhalla, and ironchef of GGA and iamthey of IRON for their enthusiastic support as we prepared for this day. Also, we would like to extend a special thanks to Emperors Moo and AlmightyGrub, and to the alliances of NpO, GGA, and IRON for their support in making this day even possible.

*formerly of

Below are our first charter and our very first protectorate treaty. You can find us at http://cn.goonbase.com/ or stop by our IRC at #cngoons on Coldfront.

salithus, Pilot of GOONS


CN GOONS Charter


The Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism (hereafter referred to as "GOONS") is an organization of colonies with its roots in Something Awful Dot Com, and for that we apologize. Anything that is bad or evil on the internet can generally be traced indirectly to Something Awful. We were even sort of responsible for 4Chan. Sorry.

Our primary goal in Cyber Nations is essentially to have fun, bringing to Cyber Nations a sense of irreverence and lighthearted mockery, now with a complete lack of OOC attacks.


  1. Admission & Membership.
    To become a member of GOONS you have to satisfy the following conditions:
    1) you have been a member of the Something Awful forums for more than one month / have been a member of GOONS on the moon or another planet / we really like you
    2) you aren't on anyone's hit list (silent s optional on the first word), and you aren't currently at war with anyone.
    The leadership of GOONS are the arbiters of who may or may not join. Membership is not closed, but we can choose to be selective.
    GOONS is not for everyone. Side effects include occasional bouts of sarcasm, loss of boredom, frequent swearing, and persistent erections lasting more than 4 hours (not guaranteed). If you have been diagnosed with taking yourself too seriously, sense of humor deficiency, or persistent screaming nerdrage, consult a doctor before joining GOONS.
  2. Government and Closet
    The Pilot is the ultimate moral, spiritual, and temporal authority in GOONS. If he says jump, we say how high. If he says poop, we ask what color. He is ultimate commander of GOONS in times of peace or war. Documents signed by the Pilot are considered to be the policy of GOONS unless countermanded by him directly. He may overrule any other member of the GOONS closet.
    The Co-Pilot is to the Pilot what a Prime Minister is to a president. Unless you're Irish or Russian. In the absence of the Pilot, he speaks with the voice of the Pilot, and is second signatory on all GOONS declarations and treaties. He can overrule any member of the closet other than the Pilot.
    Civillian Cabinet
    In matters of peace, the civillian cabinet are the government of GOONS. They administer the alliance in all matters foreign and domestic. They are lead by the Secretariat, who acts as director of both foreign and domestic affairs, coordinating and recruiting diplomats, and administering our trade and aid operations. The Secretariat may, at his discretion and with the agreement of the Pilot or Co-Pilot, appoint up to three closet-level deputies.
    War Cabinet
    In matters of war, the war cabinet are the government of GOONS. They also have a much cooler cabinet room than the civillian cabinet. All monitor screens looking like they're running DEFCON until you realize those are real missiles, and armed guards at every door. It's pretty snazzy. They are led by the Strategos, who acts as director of offensive war and war preparation, including administering the GOONS squad setup, organizing military aid, running readiness drills, developing war tactics and strategy, and raising morale. As such, he may or may not be in charge of the porn bord. Which we may or may not have. You don't find out until you join. The Strategos may, at his discretion and with the agreement of the Pilot or Co-Pilot, appoint up to three closet-level deputies.
    GOONS council
    The council consists of three closet members-at-large, without portfolio but with input and voting rights. They are the check and balance of the closet and as such are given the duty of being our oversight, as well as reporting to the closet on general conditions on planeet Bob. They are expected to be the voice of GOONS membership, and so should liaise with membership as much as possible to ensure that the ship is kept on course.
    Members Emeritus
    A closet Member Emeritus is someone who has performed sterling service to GOONS in this or another game, and is such given an advisory position over the fate of GOONS. To be a Member Emeritus, you must have served in a GOONS closet here or elsewhere, but having served does not guarantee you Member Emeritus status. This status is given by nomination and closet vote, or by nomination by the pilot without such vote, and may be taken in the same way.
    Debate and Discussion
    In other iterations of GOONS, we have had large and elaborate schemes for parliamentary discussion. In most cases these devolve into a status of whoever yells loudest and longest wins the day. To keep things simple, our debate and discussion structure will consist of this:
    There will always be a private subforum on the GOONS boards that only members of GOONS can see. Any member can post there and raise any issue they wish, and the Closet commit to discussing any matter that the membership raise. Unless the person raising the matter is trolling or just being a jerk. If the closet do not get back to the membership when a legitimate question is asked, the member asking the question has permission to kick one (1) closet member in the jimmy. (or if the closet member is female, in the jenny).
    From time to time, the membership will be called upon to vote on major issues that affect the alliance. Such votes will be binding, and will take place at a time and for a duration of the Pilot's choosing.
  3. Elections
    During the transitional phase that is the reformation of GOONS, the alliance will be a meritocracy rather than a straightforward democracy. Closet members will be picked based on evident ability rather than plebicite. Once the transitional phase reaches its end, many GOONS closet positions will be directly elected.
  4. Trade and aid.
    GOONS members have a reasonable expectation that their government will assist them in finding a trade circle and in finding tech deals either as a buyer or a seller. While the government commits to making every effort in these situations, they will not and cannot guarantee any particular result.
    In situations where another GOONS member is in need, GOONS may be called upon to make reasonable donations of aid, military and otherwise, to worthy causes.
  5. Foreign Relations.
    In times of peace, GOONS recognize the sovereignty and security of other alliances. An "alliance" is defined as any group operating under the same Alliance Affiliation with membership of 10 or more. Exceptions may be made both for smaller groups we wish to recognize and larger groups we do not, should the closet so decide.
    Unaligned nations are not afforded the protection given to alliance members, and may be attacked at the discretion of individual GOONS members. Should a GOONS member bite off more than he can chew and get beaten up while attacking an unaligned colony, he does not have an expectation of backup from other colonies, unless the beating up comes from members of a recognized alliance, in which case this may be taken as an act of war on their behalf.
    Treaties with other alliances, of non-aggression, optional defense, mutual defense, and other forms, may be drafted by the Secretariat, but should not be considered binding on the side of GOONS unless signed by the Pilot or, in his absence, the Co-Pilot.
    While GOONS will endeavor to maintain peaceful relations with all recognized alliances, they accept that there are times when diplomacy must be continued by other means.
    Should GOONS be called upon to make war upon another alliance, either by unilateral decision, or through treaty obligation, war will be declared following either a majority vote of the closet, or unanimous decision of the Pilot, Co-Pilot, and Strategos.
    Should a nation, either in a war or outside of a declared war, commit actions considered heinous and reprehensible to GOONS, the closet reserves the right to declare this nation an Enemy Of GOONS, at which point their name will be added to the Enemies Of GOONS list, and they may be attacked at will by GOONS members. Common offenses that may cause EoG status are military violence against a GOONS nation outside of war, military aid to an enemy of GOONS, and continued and incessant provocation. The Pilot and Co-Pilot may unanimously add or remove names from the EoG list, or names may be added by majority vote of the Closet. The list of Enemies will be in a public part of our forum, and those on our Enemies list are permitted one petition per month to be removed, which will be heard by the Strategos or an appointed representative. Removal is not in any way guaranteed, indeed assumption of removal may be used as grounds to keep someone on the list. The expectation is for the petitioner to explain why they should be granted clemency, not the alliance to explain why they should not.
  6. Operational Security
    Spying is absolutely forbidden in GOONS. Any nation found to be transmitting secure information on GOONS out of the alliance will be removed immediately and placed on the EoG list.
  7. Spoilers
    Verbal Kint is Keyser Sose
    Rosebud is a sled
    Bruce Willis is a ghost and only Haley Joel Osment can see him.
    Jean Loring killed Sue Dibney
    Tim Robbins died in Vietnam, and the rest of the movie is him hallucinating as he dies.
    Brad Pitt's wife's head is in the box
    Everybody at the motel is a personality in the killer's head
    Edward Norton's character is also Tyler Durden
    The kind medical technician is the serial killer because he's mad at Denzel Washington.
    Jason Vorhees is actually his grief stricken mother
    Mr Orange is an undercover cop.


Lunar Landing


The wheel of fortune. Not just an excuse to watch TV in your pants and wonder whether Vanna White looks as good with the dress off. It is also a metaphor for the constant changes in luck that life throws at us. One moment, you are making shoe soup in the dirty streets south of skid row, the next, you are sipping champagne from the navel of a Playmate dressed as Wilma Flintstone. The moment after that, you're doing ten to life in a tiny concrete room somewhere in Terre Haute, and your pasty skin belongs to the guy with the most cigarettes.

As above, so below. One day in CN, two alliances will be promising to be bowling buddies. The next, they will be measuring spikes to mount each other's heads and drawing up amusing things to put in the surrender terms, usually involving Youtube.

We aren't quite to the day after that. A lot of blood flowed under that bridge along with the water. Wounds don't heal that quickly, and it takes time for venom to drain. This treaty is the first step on this road to recovery.


  1. Sovereignty
    Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism (hereafter referred to as "GOONS"), the New Polar Order (hereafter referred to as "NpO"), and the New Pacific Order (hereafter referred to as "NPO"), recognize and respect each other's sovereignty and agree not to diminish or infringe upon each other's autonomy and right of self-determination. GOONS, NpO, and NPO recognize each other as sovereign and separate alliances.
  2. Discussion and Liaison
    To facilitate easy communication and discussion between GOONS, NpO, and NPO, each of NpO and NPO will appoint an official liaison who will be in frequent contact with GOONS government over matters of importance. While the liaison holds no official power over GOONS forces, actions, or policies, it is expected that the liaison would be an observer in GOONS internal discussions, insofar as this is possible without violating GOONS right to sovereignty and to hold state secrets and provide what counsel and support they can to GOONS.
  3. Non-Aggression
    GOONS and NpO commit to coexist in a continued state of peace. Neither alliance will commit acts of millitary aggression towards each other, nor will they aid the enemies of the other, or treat the other alliance with anything other than respect on forums or in IRC. Differences that arise between these alliances will be settled by cordial discussion and resolution of issues rather than public recrimination.
    GOONS and NPO commit to coexist in a continued state of peace. Neither alliance will commit acts of millitary aggression towards each other, nor will they aid the enemies of the other, or treat the other alliance with anything other than respect on forums or in IRC. Differences that arise between these alliances will be settled by cordial discussion and resolution of issues rather than public recrimination.
  4. Protection
    Should GOONS be subject to a declaration of war by another alliance, or unannounced military action by another party, NpO and NPO commit to defend GOONS with all available strength. Should it be found beyond a reasonable doubt that the attack on GOONS was provoked by insults, trolling, bad behavior or other severely mitigating circumstances, NpO and NPO are relieved of the obligation to defend GOONS, although they retain the option. Should NpO or NPO be subject to a declaration of war by another alliance, or unannounced military action by another party, GOONS are obliged to consider any request for help, but are not automatically committed to providing defense.
  5. Aggression
    GOONS agree to give NpO and NPO reasonable notice of upcoming military actions, except in such cases where such action would violate the confidentiality of other alliances' military secrets or results from unforeseen treaty obligations.
  6. [img-timeline]
    Given the uncertainty of the times and the impossiblity of predicting at exactly what point GOONS will be ready to fend for itself, this treaty may be reviewed for upgrade at any time after two months when all parties feel they are ready. However, if it takes longer than six months, a mandatory review will be held to determine exactly why GOONS is sucking so badly.
  7. Cancellation
    In circumstances other than this, either side may dissolve this treaty at any time by giving 48 hours notice. Violation of any term set forth in the treaty can be used as grounds to cancel the treaty immediately.


Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism

salithus, Pilot

Sardonic, Co-Pilot

lamuella, Member Emeritus

Lace, Secretariat

Bloodjewel, Strategos

New Polar Order


Emperor - New Polar Order

New Pacific Order

Emperor Revenge

Divine Bovine Overlord

New Pacific Order

Cows with Guns

Moo-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' to $%&@ With

VektorZero, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs

Triyun, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs

Hawk_11, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs

DarkMistress, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs

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i have waited for all my life (aka having the thought that GOONS is awesome at the back of my mind occasionally) for this post. it is very epic win.


edit: Neutral Shoving was better though.

Edited by Ghux
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