Do not adjust your sets...

[Johnny Apocalypse]

Incoming Transmission:

 

"Hello sir"

Welcome to The Day Today being beamed from COBRA Telly to your belly

 

Tonight:

 

Innovative new Military strategy wreacking havoc behind enemy lines:

The Day Today is pleased to announce that the joint military research efforts of the Cobralition have devised a new strategy to deal with the flea-ridden hordes of the Freehold. The system at present is crude but we are told it involves surgically opening up any captured wolves, filling them with explosives and sending them back across enemy lines. At the point they re-unite with their pack, a controller is alerted and the explosives can be detonated to clear out large areas of mongrel infested land. The Freehold have become aware of this tactic and have developed a spray, that, when applied to the dog seals in the explosive inside it reducing casualty count to one *coughobvious joke about minimising casualtiescough*. However, if this spray is not applied to the underside of the dog's body, the resulting explosion will launch the mutt thousands of feet into the air. We have intercepted radio communications from the Freehold which have advised it's peacetime nations to carry extra strong umbrellas with them. This warning was broadcast likely as a result of Brown Senator Kaznawim being obliterated by a wolf carcass falling at terminal velocity. It is believed that they remain in a critical condition.

 

 

Turncoat War Funders or Incompetent Blunders

 

Since the outbreak of the conflict between ourselves and RFI, we at the newsdesk, have found it increasingly hard to focus on bringing you the news due to bouts of contagious, hysterical laughter erupting from the office as a result of RFI incompetence. We even had to send the coffee boy home because he laughed so hard he threw up and simultanously sh- .snorted hot coffee right up his nose. The most recent events which come to mind have been the frequent aid drops, courtesy of the RFI coalition. Your humble journalist happened to be a benefactor of the generous RFI coalition.

 

On 6/8/2019 at 9:07 PM, General Kanabis said:

 

6/7/2019 12:44:54 AM  "War Aid"

Manitobah Ruler: Algolei CLAWS

Anubia Ruler: Johnny Apocalypse COBRA

$6,000,000 0 Tech 0 Soldiers

Approved

 

 

The Day Today can also confirm more of these aid drops from CLAWS, FTW, Argent and The Legion - could these be potential sleeper cells deep within RFI, sending out occasional flurries of aid across enemy lines because there is dissent in the ranks? OR is the answer the more simple one; that they're essentially a collection of bumbling braincrashes who owe their success to the fact that there are more of those drooling moro- ..hey what? I can't speak my real brains? .....Fine I'll reign it in- drooling than there are those who can keep their saliva in their mouths.

 

 

Peace talks alikened to "a swift kick to the genitals" - War wages onward, troops overjoyed

 

Cheers of joy erupted from battalions across the planet at the news that attempts to acquire a reasonable peace from their opponents hit a dead-end. The troops celebrated the potential for continued bloodshed, with more bloodshed. The total amount of tech demanded of our corner of the world amounted to 70,000, masquerading as "tech deals" - the coalition wholeheartedly rejects this blatant attempt to stifle our growth. Such an amount of reparations for so small a coalition is unheard of and we refuse to allow such a precedent be set and will not engage in negotiations that start at that level. Our opponents can throw as many swarms of centralised drone attacks at us and we'll bat them away like the flies they are. Their nations that actually have the stones to jump down and shed blood for the pixel-god will be ground down equally. Our resolve is strong, we're with our troops on this one. It's more fun to keep fighting than become a vassal state.

 

And to our opponents:

 

That's about it from The Day today, before we go we have time to showcase some art from some children.

So goodnight and shut up:

 

 

Lucius Optimus -age 8

 

War orphan - age 12

 

 

Tankobite - age 5

Edited June 24, 2019 by Johnny Apocalypse

[Tankobite]

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a lovely war!

Edited June 24, 2019 by Tankobite

[General Kanabis]

In other news;

 

COBRA representatives have been sent to the RFI PoW Camp to examine the conditions of those held within.

It appears that they are all missing their spines.

 

CLAWS brings back White Chocolate and Al Bundy from a rogue retirement, to help coordinate the war.

In an interview, Al Bundy had this to say: "It's spelled C-L-A-W-S, not C-O-B-R-A, please note the difference and try not to send aid to our enemies!"

 

The RFI Tech Embargo continues and leaders from CLAWS, GATO, and FTW have been politely asking people to stop sending deals to the Cobralition.

They wish to remind the public that conducting business with their enemies is a valid Casus Belli, though further military action will only be considered if they are not potentially outnumbered.

 

After attempting to divide COBRA & Company, and presenting a bucket of condescending bureaucrat vomit as peace terms- negotiations plummeted.

 

Peace Talks, the new approach-

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by General Kanabis

[Master Hakai]

Someone named "LANCE" has arrived to usher in my demise, i think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tevron]

[General Kanabis]

3 hours ago, Tevron said:

 

Please confirm that this is your meme and fill out form #1 to be delivered to window A for further confirmation where it will then be sent to window B from where you must receive it in order to complete form #2 and back to Window A. Your assigned bureaucrat will then swallow an entire roll of red tape and throw up all over your shoes.

[Johnny Apocalypse]

13 minutes ago, General Kanabis said:

 

Please confirm that this is your meme and fill out form #1 to be delivered to window A for further confirmation where it will then be sent to window B from where you must receive it in order to complete form #2 and back to Window A. Your assigned bureaucrat will then swallow an entire roll of red tape and throw up all over your shoes.

 

Aw man, I'm still expelling that last roll of red tape from my body. Can I not just use it to wrap him into a neat little package and post him into Abnormal Deposit box F?

[The Big Bad]

You know if the other side had just one semi competent active alliance you all would be in trouble.  Since only  a few of those still exist I guess you are safe.  

[General Kanabis]

3 minutes ago, The Big Bad said:

You know if the other side had just one semi competent active alliance you all would be in trouble.  Since only  a few of those still exist I guess you are safe.  

 

We've never really been concerned about our own safety.

Nevertheless, this is an accurate assessment- All competent alliances are currently busy stocking tech and growing well beyond any potential competition, while RFI continues to throw money and resources at FTW because they got a hard on for (insert spongemock here) aNiMaLz.

[Lysergide]

On 6/23/2019 at 8:42 PM, Johnny Apocalypse said:

 

 

 

Tankobite - age 5

 

Why did you put Non Grata's Flag on both sides of that image?

 

[General Kanabis]

1 hour ago, Lysergide said:

 

Why did you put Non Grata's Flag on both sides of that image?

 

 

Technical difficulties.

I understand that the leader of FTW has already apologized for vexillum larceny 

[Lysergide]

11 hours ago, General Kanabis said:

 

Technical difficulties.

I understand that the leader of FTW has already apologized for vexillum larceny 

 

An apology has to be meant in order for it to be genuine.

[Joseph Black]

Johnny,

 

I'm actually impressed, it's nice to see an old time propaga piece. It's a wonder you have the technology to brodcast anything out of the parking lot that's being built though. 

 

Your friend,

Joseph M. Black

Edited June 26, 2019 by Joseph Black

[Lysergide]

7 hours ago, Joseph Black said:

Johnny,

 

I'm actually impressed, it's nice to see an old time propaga piece. It's a wonder you have the technology to brodcast anything out of the parking lot that's being built though. 

 

Your friend,

Joseph M. Black

 

Funny, how you seem to be unable to deal with said nations with lack of technology by yourselves. So what does that say about you?

[Lex Quintus]

8 hours ago, Joseph Black said:

Johnny,

 

I'm actually impressed, it's nice to see an old time propaga piece. It's a wonder you have the technology to brodcast anything out of the parking lot that's being built though. 

 

Your friend,

Joseph M. Black

 

Where you see a parking lot, we see the ground floor of an exciting real estate opportunity, full of upside and exuberant (though not irrationally so) optimism

[Dre4mwe4ver]

30 minutes ago, Lex Quintus said:

 

Where you see a parking lot, we see the ground floor of an exciting real estate opportunity, full of upside and exuberant (though not irrationally so) optimism

Sounds like I'm about to be pitched an exciting investment opportunity!

[Lex Quintus]

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[Joseph Black]

3 hours ago, Lysergide said:

 

Funny, how you seem to be unable to deal with said nations with lack of technology by yourselves. So what does that say about you?

 

Lysergide,

 

Due to an environmental impact study we've discovered that they are an endangered species. Our hands are tied about just being able to exterminate them completely. We've tried enticing them with relocation and other environmental friendly options. 

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

[Joseph Black]

3 hours ago, Lex Quintus said:

 

Where you see a parking lot, we see the ground floor of an exciting real estate opportunity, full of upside and exuberant (though not irrationally so) optimism

 

Lex,

 

It would be nice to see something grow there, but the indigenous creatures insist on tearing things down instead of building them up. 

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

[Lucius Optimus]

17 minutes ago, Joseph Black said:

 

Lex,

 

It would be nice to see something grow there, but the indigenous creatures insist on tearing things down instead of building them up. 

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

Oh you would like it to be over wouldn't you. You're the first guy who said it was gonna last at least 6 months. 

[Joseph Black]

23 minutes ago, Lucius Optimus said:

Oh you would like it to be over wouldn't you. You're the first guy who said it was gonna last at least 6 months. 

 

Lucius,

 

That just means you're stubborn and doesn't mean you're smart.

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

[General Kanabis]

45 minutes ago, Joseph Black said:

 

You're the new law in town, do your job.

[Lex Quintus]

1 hour ago, Joseph Black said:

 

Lex,

 

It would be nice to see something grow there, but the indigenous creatures insist on tearing things down instead of building them up. 

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

 

My Dear Joseph,

 

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, or in this case cracking a few heads.  In any case, urban renewal always entails some degree of creative destruction in service of the ultimate goal.  As with any project of this type and size, it is incumbent upon the project manager to successfully advocate within the community as to the return on investment and eventual benefit to the entire community, and the larger metropolitan area as well.

 

You may be interested to know that one of the features which was value-engineered out of this project was a retail establishment for tech, at a rate of 6/200.  The steering committee felt this would be met with derision among the local citizenry, and therefore this space will remain shuttered during the grand opening.

 

Hoping that this elaboration may prove edifying, and that I may be able to provide some small assistance in future if called upon, I remain,

 

Yours truly,

 

Lex Quintus

 

1 hour ago, Joseph Black said:

 

Lysergide,

 

Due to an environmental impact study we've discovered that they are an endangered species. Our hands are tied about just being able to exterminate them completely. We've tried enticing them with relocation and other environmental friendly options. 

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

 

By way of postscript, a joke:

 

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?

 

A: Just one, but the light-bulb has to want to change.

[The Big Bad]

33 minutes ago, Joseph Black said:

 

Lucius,

 

That just means you're stubborn and doesn't mean you're smart.

 

Sincerely,

Joseph M. Black

 

They may not be smart but, sure have made fools of your alliances and its friends.  

[Lex Quintus]

14 minutes ago, The Big Bad said:

 

They may not be smart but, sure have made fools of your alliances and its friends.  

 

A guy is driving when one of his wheels comes off!

He manages to pull over safely and recovers the tire.

When he does he notices that he does not have any spare lug nuts to re-secure the tire the car.

He spends a good long while pacing around the car and cursing. He notices that he is being watched by a man in blue scrubs and white slippers and robe behind a tall fence.

Finally the guy in the robe asks the driver, "Do you want to know what I think?"

The driver responds , "No, you moron, I don't want to know what you think! Can't you see that I'm stuck here and the nearest gas station is miles away!"

The guy in the robe suggests that the driver take a nut from each remaining tire to secure the rogue one. That way, each tire has three and he can make it to the gas station.

The driver looks up and sees that he broke down in front of the insane asylum and he realizes the guy in the robe must be a patient...the driver asks, "Hey, you seem like a pretty bright guy. What are you doing in there?"

The guy in the robe responds, "I'm crazy, not stupid."