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Johnny Apocalypse

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About Johnny Apocalypse

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    Boognish Priest
  • Birthday 12/04/1990

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    South West England

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  1. Back by popular demand from our very opponents: These are the Headlines tonight, god I wish they weren't.... Vexil-Huggers - Non Grata wake from their slumber. Those of you who have the brains to keep up with current affairs (and let's be honest, that shouldn't be too hard if you aren't a complete braincrash) will know that The Day Today launched a campaign to bring to light the blatant Vexil-thievery of The Freehold of the Wolves. Well, that call has been answered in the form of a formal declaration from Caustic of Non Grata. Still shaking the dust off his jacket from all the crypts he had been shaking day and night, he eventually stumbled upon several caskets loaded with long lost stashes of billions of dongs and full nuclear arsenals. Needless to say, I think we all know where they will be put to use. This of course is not to mention the strange influx of dark money and military support that NG have gathered from various alliances across the planet. An anonymous FTW source was quoted as saying: "This is the one thing we didn't want to happen" Now, it is well known that COBRA are no fans of Pixel-Huggers -or any kind of huggers really- but we are willing to make an exception in this instance. Burning for one's flag seems to us one of the most respectable reasons to go down swinging and we wish NG the best of luck against the Mongrels. The Mongrels in question have already taken a 200k NS drop in the first two days of engagement, so it's looking like it's all downhill from here for both parties. We look forward to the new abundance of targets that NG will inevitably provide. And for those of you who cannot quite wrap their heads around the matter. The Day Today has commission some sponsored content to explain the matter in simple terms for all you oblivious baba's out there: The Author of the above content has made a generous donation toward building more printing presses for future broadcasts, The Day Today encourages any other party wishing to make a submission to contact this journalist through the usual channels. We value each citizen of Bob's right to freedom of speech and will happily provide a platform, for the right fee. Kashmiri Psychics 'Mentally Quarantine' elements of RFI - GATO representative furious. The involvement of Kashmir in the war against RFI has been a curious one throughout. A handful of incidents have erupted involving Kashmir nations attacking or spying RFI nations. Each incident has been met with very firm assertions from the alliances in question that Kashmir is not in fact at war with them, despite the following clause of their own treaty: ---- Article III: Rolling for Initiative If any member of RFI is attacked, all players shall enter combat. Roll for Initiative. ----- Now, given the above clause it should be obvious to any rational minded human who has not been infested with Mindworms, that any aggressive action from Kashmir against RFI alliances is to be understood to be an understandable response given they are at war with members of the bloc. "All players shall enter combat" - though it would seem CLAWS and GATO are unwilling to do so and quite angry when faced with Kashmiri offensives. The Legion on the other hand seem to have no issue with attacking Kashmir. Now if this journalist was say, allied to both of them, I might consider it quite an insulting slap to the face, but I'm not. In response to the aggressive stances taken against Kashmir by the above listed alliances a clandestine para-military arm of the Kashmiri military who possess the power of the telepathy have erected what they call a 'Mental Quarantine' around CLAWS and GATO borders. Considering they are apparently immune from any attacks from these alliances, the quarantine has been erected to protect the IQ of the Kashmiri people from any further whinging and cherry picking. Lex Quintus has suffered particularly from these outbursts and has asked that they "Sod off and jump back into their Bureacratic comfort-blanket, not without filling in the appropriate forms first of course. Ooga Booga." For those of you unfamiliar with the bureaucratic machinations of GATO, The Day Today is proud to present another piece of sponsored content (for educational purposes only) Which moves us nicely onto our final address of the evening: Peace Stalls: But who's buying? As I'm sure some of you know, this journalist (and soon to be King) has been working tirelessly to hammer out a peace treaty between the forces of the Cobralition and RFI. Early this week I began hammering out terms with Canik of FTW, we managed to finally come to the consensus that we would be willing to begrudgingly admit defeat in exchange for peace. Negotiations rolled on, tiny little kinks slowly ironed out and it seemed we were so very close. Then came the 'bureacratic formalities' that needed carrying out from each RFI alliance, despite assurances that each vote would pass (which to this journalist makes them seem awfully redundant but I don't lead a bloated ghost husk so how would I know). So again we waited; first told that GATO needed to vote and it'd take 48 hours. After those 48 hours, we were told The Legion still needed to vote. Were they dragging heels? Perhaps, this writer can only speculate. Eventually Canik comes running with all of the signatures required to ratify the agreement on their end- 6 hours after Non Grata declared war. Awfully eager all of a sudden, curiously eager. Meanwhile the soldiers of the Cobralition had erupted in opposition to this "admission of defeat" - why admit defeat immediately after the entrance of Non Grata mercenaries fighting a common enemy. The enemy of my enemy is my friend- as they say. Now as a King in waiting I would be a fool to deny my people the right to bare arms and blow things up at will and if they've still got the fight in them: I say let 'em have it. We may be building makeshift silos from depleted plutonium shards and pieces of bones found scattered amongst the rubble but as the song goes: "I get knocked down, But I get back up again, You're never gonna keep me down" So onward we fight, alongside our new friends. To our opponents I put to you the simplest way out of this for you: White Peace (Good christ I hope I don't need to keep repeating that- oh we're still live?) That's all from The Day Today, we would like to re-iterate that we will accept sponsors to pay for more printing presses from any party with a story to tell; maybe a story someone doesn't want you to tell; maybe a story from a different perspective. We encourage people to throw off the shackles of their radio silences and join us in open debate on this Open World Forum. We leave you with the following music and welcome all denizens of the planet, friend or foe, to come and get your shake on in the COBRA discord and dance in the rubble with us. Until next time, this is Johnny Apocalypse saying Goodnight: "Goodnight"
  2. Excuse me Ice Cream Girl; I'm still waiting on my free samples here!
  3. Viva la Gayroller! In other news, The Day Today conducted some polling from Non-Gratans on this matter. Unfortunately the compiled data made an indecipherable graph: We did notice that the word 'Cruel' started flashing upon compiling on this graph but could draw no correlations.
  4. On the one hand I envy the peace in the nether realm you will soon find. On the other hand I've been asleep for years, so it's time to get real weird with it.
  5. True and unlike Lugosi he is alive and remains at large.
  6. No matter how hard I try I will forever be living in the shadow of Bela Lugosi
  7. The Day Today is the finest broadcaster of news from telly to belly. Currently we operate from behind the COBRA frontlines to shed light on the atrocities carried out by Roll for Initiative against the wider Microverse. The Microverse is the only hope this planet has for any kind of growth beyond the lumbering ghost-ridden hulks that seek to oppress us with the age old doctrine of "Might makes Right" If you (or anyone else) has a story that needs a platform The Day Today will happily consider any submissions that demonstrate a shred of creativity in order to breath life into Planet Bob's flatlining culture. Please submit any articles to my inbox or contact me directly via the Discord comms network.
  8. White peace + admission of defeat != White peace I can say with a very high degree of certainty that the RFI coalition will not accept white peace, I say this after having spoken to some of them myself. I've even posited a means of pursuing a reasonable peace by way of mutual de-escalation of the conflict, to help bring about a meaningful peace and post-war resolution. I am told there is no fondness for that idea at present, even if we apologised <McPoyle> FOR EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF IT! </McPoyle> I do hope they come round at some point. Ultimately though, they want to keep hammering us and we're happy to hammer back until they stop reeling off a fat list of grievances and demanding apologies for them, or presenting some poor attempt at punitive terms for peace. We will leave our beef on the battlefield. If only our opponents could swallow their pride and do the same. Only a weak man demands an apology.
  9. Do you see what happens FTW? This is what happens: Also Hi Stewie, long time eh?
  10. Au contraire, we are just not interested in the kind of peace being offered.
  11. You'd better start lobbying for that peace then Joseph.
  12. Incoming Transmission: "Hello you." I am Johnny Apocalypse beaming various words and pictures to you from the Anubian Dove Plains. This is The Day Today Tonight: Motivated and United by "Strange Beastial Lust" Despite the ever fluctuating population counts of Cobra citizens; the tale that the Freehold of the Wolves were a bunch of a demented dog lovers has been passed on to each new batch of citizens as they arrive with the construction of yet another round of infrastructure. This piece of folklore has been vague and open to interpretation for some time, until recently with the arrival of recent defector Kal Asharak. Kal approached the Cobra frontline approximately two weeks ago. He was spotted by scouts clenching a blood soaked knife with his teeth and bearing four freshly shorn pelts: "Brothers!" He roared "When I returned to this world I thought these 'men' might be worthy warriors of the North. How wrong I was! These pups have no right to call themselves 'Wolves' - How they wish they could be as powerful as a wolf.....I mean, they REALLY wish it you guys." Kal reportedly threw the pelts to the ground, doused them in gasoline and set them alight: "I present to you the boiling blood and skin of your foes, now somebody get me another gun! This one's clogged with fur- don't ask." Needless to say, we didn't. In fact, Kal's account to Cobra Intelligence is so graphic that The Day Today cannot broadcast it in it's entirety for legal reasons (and on the grounds of general decency) International Stagnation - The Never-ending Story It should come as no surprise to whatever viewers remain out there, that stagnation on Bob is endemic. Almost all alliances have shown a continuous downward trend in overall strength and technological capacity on account of most leaders being too bored to rule their people. The occasional sudden disappearance of nations results in a net gain for the forces of Cobra as displaced citizen counts take up shelter in our ever fluctating borders and infrastructure. Despite our war-torn landscape (our opponents are effectively nuking piles of rubble at this stage) many people find living under our banner far more invigorating than in their former homes, they have even become accustomed to the constant levels of radiation and bathe in the warming glow of each wasted nuclear missile that lands on a pile of rubble somewhere That being said, global stagnation does not necessarily account for the downward trend of our RFI opponents: For a coalition at war with a far smaller opponent, one would think competent leaders would be capable of effectively putting down said opponent while simultaneously maintaining upward growth. The above charts would seem to indicate otherwise, for contrast here is an example of the potential for growth when not at war with Cobra: With that in mind we are left to wonder and ask: Come on guys, this is silly; is it really worth keeping this up just to make a punitive point? Wouldn't you rather go back to hoarding what little resources remain on this planet? Which brings us to our next headline Controlled Demolition for Peace? Nah. While there have been numerous attempts to reach a compromise with our opponents in RFI, so far they remain about as successful and enjoyable as a jazz saxophonist at your Mother's funeral. The most recent proposal from RFI involved requiring a number of Cobrastan nations to buy infrastructure to be demolished by RFI as a means of encouraging us to burn our own money. Now, putting aside the fact that this is less desirable than engaging in forced tech deals with our opponents, The Day Today has a number of questions it would like to ask: Why must a coalition of RFI's size need Cobrastan to agree to a controlled demolition that they failed to carry out with their superior numbers in the first place? How have they failed to carry out this demolition in the several months this war has rolled on? What kind of threat do we truly pose to the RFI coalition that they feel it necessary to make us deplete our own warchests in exchange for peace? These questions have fairly straight-forward answers for anyone with more than two shreds of grey matter to rub together, but let me just address the last one for the viewing public. Clearly RFI consider us a major threat, despite their superior numbers even they are aware of their inferior capacity to militarily put us down. In exchange for peace and for the sake of imposing a term to demonstrate their prowess as a victorious force, they ask us to roll onto our tummies so that they may obliterate as much as possible within a set time-frame? We would like to remind the RFI coalition of the old saying: It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. We also welcome RFI back to the negotiating table at any time. Flag Thieves 'apologise' to Non Grata - Continue to fly their flag The involvement of Non Grata forces on the Cobra front has been an incredibly welcome addition to our ranks (especially as no one will formally acknowledge hostilities with them) but this humble reporter feels a duty to give something back to our friends in arms. Those of us who are old and decrepit enough to remember time as far back as the Pandora's Box bloc will recall the military prowess of Non Grata and the appearance of their flag on numerous Declarations of War. However, this flag has been illegally commandeered by the Freehold of the Wolves. The Day Today can report that the leader of the Freehold reached out to apologise to Non Grata for flying their flag, likely as a means of trying to split and disengage them from hostilities- probably one of the few smart diplomatic moves we've seen from the Freehold. Not smart enough to follow through and actually stop flying the flag though. The Day Today would like to present the following alternative for the Freehold: Alternatively, they can always return to their old flag from their former moniker: Fellowship of the Wolves. We realise this flag isn't their own unique design but this recent intercept of a Freehold comms channel might shed light on their lack of creative talent: The reporter pictured above, Peter O'Hanrahanrahan, has since gone completely blind. Those are the Headlines. Happy now? This is Johnny Apocalypse saying "Good Night": Good Night.
  13. Hold my beer.... For the record: I hate liked you, you were never really on my 'side' but you always did opposition/aggression well when needed. You pushed the buttons, and even if it didn't end well at least you pushed them. Ironically, there's quite the lack of initiative to do so these days
  14. I really hope you brought some snacks, because this is a long drive for someone with nothing to talk about.
  15. Aw man, I'm still expelling that last roll of red tape from my body. Can I not just use it to wrap him into a neat little package and post him into Abnormal Deposit box F?
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