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Incoming Transmission: "Hello you." I am Johnny Apocalypse beaming various words and pictures to you from the Anubian Dove Plains. This is The Day Today Tonight: Motivated and United by "Strange Beastial Lust" Despite the ever fluctuating population counts of Cobra citizens; the tale that the Freehold of the Wolves were a bunch of a demented dog lovers has been passed on to each new batch of citizens as they arrive with the construction of yet another round of infrastructure. This piece of folklore has been vague and open to interpretation for some time, until recently with the arrival of recent defector Kal Asharak. Kal approached the Cobra frontline approximately two weeks ago. He was spotted by scouts clenching a blood soaked knife with his teeth and bearing four freshly shorn pelts: "Brothers!" He roared "When I returned to this world I thought these 'men' might be worthy warriors of the North. How wrong I was! These pups have no right to call themselves 'Wolves' - How they wish they could be as powerful as a wolf.....I mean, they REALLY wish it you guys." Kal reportedly threw the pelts to the ground, doused them in gasoline and set them alight: "I present to you the boiling blood and skin of your foes, now somebody get me another gun! This one's clogged with fur- don't ask." Needless to say, we didn't. In fact, Kal's account to Cobra Intelligence is so graphic that The Day Today cannot broadcast it in it's entirety for legal reasons (and on the grounds of general decency) International Stagnation - The Never-ending Story It should come as no surprise to whatever viewers remain out there, that stagnation on Bob is endemic. Almost all alliances have shown a continuous downward trend in overall strength and technological capacity on account of most leaders being too bored to rule their people. The occasional sudden disappearance of nations results in a net gain for the forces of Cobra as displaced citizen counts take up shelter in our ever fluctating borders and infrastructure. Despite our war-torn landscape (our opponents are effectively nuking piles of rubble at this stage) many people find living under our banner far more invigorating than in their former homes, they have even become accustomed to the constant levels of radiation and bathe in the warming glow of each wasted nuclear missile that lands on a pile of rubble somewhere That being said, global stagnation does not necessarily account for the downward trend of our RFI opponents: For a coalition at war with a far smaller opponent, one would think competent leaders would be capable of effectively putting down said opponent while simultaneously maintaining upward growth. The above charts would seem to indicate otherwise, for contrast here is an example of the potential for growth when not at war with Cobra: With that in mind we are left to wonder and ask: Come on guys, this is silly; is it really worth keeping this up just to make a punitive point? Wouldn't you rather go back to hoarding what little resources remain on this planet? Which brings us to our next headline Controlled Demolition for Peace? Nah. While there have been numerous attempts to reach a compromise with our opponents in RFI, so far they remain about as successful and enjoyable as a jazz saxophonist at your Mother's funeral. The most recent proposal from RFI involved requiring a number of Cobrastan nations to buy infrastructure to be demolished by RFI as a means of encouraging us to burn our own money. Now, putting aside the fact that this is less desirable than engaging in forced tech deals with our opponents, The Day Today has a number of questions it would like to ask: Why must a coalition of RFI's size need Cobrastan to agree to a controlled demolition that they failed to carry out with their superior numbers in the first place? How have they failed to carry out this demolition in the several months this war has rolled on? What kind of threat do we truly pose to the RFI coalition that they feel it necessary to make us deplete our own warchests in exchange for peace? These questions have fairly straight-forward answers for anyone with more than two shreds of grey matter to rub together, but let me just address the last one for the viewing public. Clearly RFI consider us a major threat, despite their superior numbers even they are aware of their inferior capacity to militarily put us down. In exchange for peace and for the sake of imposing a term to demonstrate their prowess as a victorious force, they ask us to roll onto our tummies so that they may obliterate as much as possible within a set time-frame? We would like to remind the RFI coalition of the old saying: It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. We also welcome RFI back to the negotiating table at any time. Flag Thieves 'apologise' to Non Grata - Continue to fly their flag The involvement of Non Grata forces on the Cobra front has been an incredibly welcome addition to our ranks (especially as no one will formally acknowledge hostilities with them) but this humble reporter feels a duty to give something back to our friends in arms. Those of us who are old and decrepit enough to remember time as far back as the Pandora's Box bloc will recall the military prowess of Non Grata and the appearance of their flag on numerous Declarations of War. However, this flag has been illegally commandeered by the Freehold of the Wolves. The Day Today can report that the leader of the Freehold reached out to apologise to Non Grata for flying their flag, likely as a means of trying to split and disengage them from hostilities- probably one of the few smart diplomatic moves we've seen from the Freehold. Not smart enough to follow through and actually stop flying the flag though. The Day Today would like to present the following alternative for the Freehold: Alternatively, they can always return to their old flag from their former moniker: Fellowship of the Wolves. We realise this flag isn't their own unique design but this recent intercept of a Freehold comms channel might shed light on their lack of creative talent: The reporter pictured above, Peter O'Hanrahanrahan, has since gone completely blind. Those are the Headlines. Happy now? This is Johnny Apocalypse saying "Good Night": Good Night.
Incoming Transmission: "Hello sir" Welcome to The Day Today being beamed from COBRA Telly to your belly Tonight: Innovative new Military strategy wreacking havoc behind enemy lines: The Day Today is pleased to announce that the joint military research efforts of the Cobralition have devised a new strategy to deal with the flea-ridden hordes of the Freehold. The system at present is crude but we are told it involves surgically opening up any captured wolves, filling them with explosives and sending them back across enemy lines. At the point they re-unite with their pack, a controller is alerted and the explosives can be detonated to clear out large areas of mongrel infested land. The Freehold have become aware of this tactic and have developed a spray, that, when applied to the dog seals in the explosive inside it reducing casualty count to one *coughobvious joke about minimising casualtiescough*. However, if this spray is not applied to the underside of the dog's body, the resulting explosion will launch the mutt thousands of feet into the air. We have intercepted radio communications from the Freehold which have advised it's peacetime nations to carry extra strong umbrellas with them. This warning was broadcast likely as a result of Brown Senator Kaznawim being obliterated by a wolf carcass falling at terminal velocity. It is believed that they remain in a critical condition. Turncoat War Funders or Incompetent Blunders Since the outbreak of the conflict between ourselves and RFI, we at the newsdesk, have found it increasingly hard to focus on bringing you the news due to bouts of contagious, hysterical laughter erupting from the office as a result of RFI incompetence. We even had to send the coffee boy home because he laughed so hard he threw up and simultanously sh- .snorted hot coffee right up his nose. The most recent events which come to mind have been the frequent aid drops, courtesy of the RFI coalition. Your humble journalist happened to be a benefactor of the generous RFI coalition. The Day Today can also confirm more of these aid drops from CLAWS, FTW, Argent and The Legion - could these be potential sleeper cells deep within RFI, sending out occasional flurries of aid across enemy lines because there is dissent in the ranks? OR is the answer the more simple one; that they're essentially a collection of bumbling braincrashes who owe their success to the fact that there are more of those drooling moro- ..hey what? I can't speak my real brains? .....Fine I'll reign it in- drooling than there are those who can keep their saliva in their mouths. Peace talks alikened to "a swift kick to the genitals" - War wages onward, troops overjoyed Cheers of joy erupted from battalions across the planet at the news that attempts to acquire a reasonable peace from their opponents hit a dead-end. The troops celebrated the potential for continued bloodshed, with more bloodshed. The total amount of tech demanded of our corner of the world amounted to 70,000, masquerading as "tech deals" - the coalition wholeheartedly rejects this blatant attempt to stifle our growth. Such an amount of reparations for so small a coalition is unheard of and we refuse to allow such a precedent be set and will not engage in negotiations that start at that level. Our opponents can throw as many swarms of centralised drone attacks at us and we'll bat them away like the flies they are. Their nations that actually have the stones to jump down and shed blood for the pixel-god will be ground down equally. Our resolve is strong, we're with our troops on this one. It's more fun to keep fighting than become a vassal state. And to our opponents: That's about it from The Day today, before we go we have time to showcase some art from some children. So goodnight and shut up: Lucius Optimus -age 8 War orphan - age 12 Tankobite - age 5