So what happened to that war? Huh? SAY WHAT?! NUH UH!!!

[Augustus Autumn]

From the Desk of Shogun Tokugawa Mitsukuni

Pyramid Scottish Assault Squadron

Greetings again, fellow national leaders of the 'verse. In keeping with my previous issuance on the subject of considering your behavior and remembering I thought I'd take some time to sit down and take a look at whatever it was that happened last week. I'll attempt to be serious but I'll also toss in some humor here and there to keep it spicy. Try and keep up. Criticism is always welcome as it feeds my ever-growing ego. For our lesson today we'll be covering the following points.

1. The cause(s) of the "war"

2. What happened during the "war"

3. Who lost the "war"?

4. So who actually won the "war"?

5. Where in the hell does this leave us?

Without further delay, we press forward.

1. The cause(s) of the "war"

This is one of those lovely moments when nobody is actually going to care about the truth regardless of what it is except for maybe me and a handful of other people out there. Let's be very clear concerning the cassus belli proposed by the governments of Athens and Ragnorok.

It was correct.

"But how, Shogun Tokugawa, do you know this?" you ask. Let's be pretty simple. I heard about this Zero Hour nonsense back in July when I was with The Sasori Initiative (I'll let you figure out who told me). Zero Hour was part of some grandiose scheme on the part of mhawk and other members of The Phoenix Federation's government to found random alliances, funnel new TPF recruits into them, build them up, cause some havoc with other alliances and then merge them back into TPF. I gave the opinion that this plan was stupid and would probably backfire since people don't like being barked at, especially over a voluntary activity such as participation in 'verse politics. I then heard about this plan again back in October from some Phoenix Federales who weren't too pleased with it and ventured that it might get them all killed. Now, I ask myself, why would they be worried about some plan that never came through? Go figure. Anyway, I turned out to be right in the end so I'm pleased as punch with myself as usual.

On top of the excuse for war so pleasantly provided by mhawk et al you have the usual warmongering nonsense from alliances like Athens who go on and on about sovereignty while infringing on the sovereignty of others while claiming its self defense or something equally silly (see the recent episode with the United Earth Directorate). They and theirs froth at the idea of a war almost to the point of not really thinking it through. Rabid ambition meets viable excuse and there you have it, like those terrible videos I show the younger members of my nation about human reproduction, you have the birth of some idiot child of a war.

2. What happened during the "war"

The Phoenix Federation got shot up pretty badly. Some people cried a lot. I was amused. I then fell asleep.

3. Who lost the "war"?

In a way we all did. There were some sides or coalitions or something involved in this mess, however, so let's take a peek at them.

The Phoenix Federation

Shot up, leader off visiting some island somewhere or something, and left out to dry by its allies in its time of needs. Either way you paint it, when an alliance has the person responsible for getting it rolled tootle off and then has all those wonderful people it stood up for sit around scratching their heads like a bunch of primates at the zoo waiting to be fed while hurling half-words it lost. Maybe the next time your government runs around shooting its collective mouth off (Kilkenny, I'm talking to you) it will remember precisely how much it's going to be backed up when the going gets rough. Good luck on this and, for pity's sake, cut it with the spy ops. It didn't work when you sent me out. It didn't work with Zero Hour. I'm sensing a trend here.

The SuperGrievances Coalition

Yes, I used the Athens flag. Why? Because it's pretty and I like it. Sue me.

You guys had a solid cassus belli beyond "Grrrrrr NPO" or "It was a tech raid, just a tech raid, why are you all so mad?". You had the guns, you had the ships, you had the screaming masses, you had the initiative. Why, exactly, did you cut and run at the last minute? Was it that someone saw through your battle plan, that the counter-attack wasn't aimed at Ragnorok to stop the massive dive of the Superfriends coming in and you realized you were in quite the pickle? Maybe it was some outstanding diplomacy on the part of Athens and Ragnorok which lost treaties with alliances because you were unwilling to do anything other than chomp at the bit? I doubt a straight answer will be provided. Needless to say, for a bunch of aggressor alliances to simply pack it in by saying "Ok, party's over, we're going home" without the usual hemming and hawwing along with the actual war which was so very advertised is pretty damned funny. Sure, y'all can win in a four-on-one surprise offensive but you lost a fight which was very much yours to win in the first place. Have fun with those victory marches, kids. May the enemy's looted tech bring your citizenry much added income.

Oh, and bungling the lead-up to the war with the half-hearted talks? Just don't bother if you don't want to avoid a war. It looks better. Be warmongers if you want to be warmongers.

The Coincidence Coalition

Why TOP's flag? Well, Liquid Mercury was sort of running the military side of things. But you weren't involved. Oh no, certainly not.

With the exceptions of Zenith and The Order Of Light, your showing was utterly and completely pathetic. TPF called on you within twenty-four hours of being attacked. Your response: you sat on your defensive obligations and did nothing except whine. When you were called to ask you tried to act cryptic and then whined some more. When you actually got off your collective rear ends and said you were going to do something you launched twenty-four offensive wars. Admin help me the day your coalition is the thing I'm relying on to back me up. I'd rather look to The German Empire for support and I'd be more likely to get it. You talked big, you strutted and sang your battle songs but when it came time to actually getting into line you all had something better to do. Like whine. And make OOC attacks (Ayrrie, this is the one time I've ever felt bad for you). And whine some more. And then show up late. Well done, lads, well done.

NEW, you should be especially ashamed. Not only did you completely wimp out after mhawk went to bat for you in these forums (right or wrong, he did take a stand) but you then started your usual raiding nonsense up as soon as the chance arose. Something about spots on a cheetah?

4. So who actually won the "war"?

This is the fun question. Here are my answers.

The Federation of Armed Nations

mpol was nice enough to show up, cancel the Pocahontas Accords and got roundly hailed for it. The points made in his statement were, as usual, wonderfully critical and terribly relevant, these one concerning the state of treaties within the 'verse and how utterly useless they all are these days. Pass the beers, fine escorts and cocaine on this one and chalk up a solid win.

The Killer Turtle Brigade

TKTB remains home to most of my favorite people in the 'verse and managed to not only not get involved in this "war" nonsense in any real shape but also protected me from some huffing and puffing from people who decided that they'd heard things which weren't exactly the case, got bent and decided they wanted to "chat". James, you're cool so you guys get the winner's circle on this one. Get that sneaky git Kharn, the ever-charming Mask of Blue and Her Loveliness Mia into the alliance and you're good as gold.

The New Pacific Order

There was a war, an excuse to start shooting, and the rather obvious opportunity for some people to go out and gun up Pacifica while its "protectors" were otherwise occupied. This didn't occur. In fact, Emperor Cortath was able to make a rather excellent announcement, Sir Paul released one of his top-rate assessments of the Order and Bilrow continued to cause people to get upset. This qualifies as an outstanding achievement. Victory ribbons should be issued post-haste. Or pizza. Something like that.

Overclockers UK

Same as FAN, plus the flag is cool so I wanted to use it. Congratulations on getting out of the mess of treaties and whatnot.

\m/

You guys didn't disband! That's a win for you! Woohoo!

5. Where in the hell does this leave us?

Sadly, right where it all started unless someone was actually paying attention (unlikely). Treaties are effectively meaningless, the citizenry of the 'verse will whine and complain and nothing will actually be done. But how, oh wise Toku, shall we escape this cycle? Easy.

Stop buying into it.

Too much time is taken up by the whining of a bunch of self-important fools like mhawk and Londo. You have that person you always wanted to nuke? Nuke 'em. You don't like that person who keeps being mouthy with you? Declare a vendetta and try to get them nuked. Pick a mission, get on that mission and don't apologize for it. Don't be like a typical politician - stand your ground and be proud when someone takes issue with what you're doing. For pity's sake, courage isn't a bad thing!

Once again, if you finished reading this good for you. Comments, as always, are welcome and autographs will be signed in my IRC channel. Leave your comments below and I'll address them if I feel like it.

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

o/

Shogun Tokugawa Mitsukuni

Pyramid Scottish Assault Squadron

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni

[Pingu]

'Casus belli' not 'cassus belli'

Salve quoque

[Augustus Autumn]

'Casus belli' not 'cassus belli'

Salve quoque

We're speaking in different dialects, clearly. Or I'm terrible at spelling. Probably the second one.

[Jens of the desert]

If I could favourite this post, I would.

[Caesius]

We're speaking in different dialects, clearly. Or I'm terrible at spelling. Probably the second one.

Da, tovarisch.

Also hello.

[Augustus Autumn]

Da, tovarisch.

Also hello.

I do enjoy the cheeky ones. Your jib is of a fine cut .

[angryraccoon]

Tokugawa

I would have to say well done. It is a fairly accurate synopsis of what went down. When you did not know the true fact of an issue (ie why Athens RoK GOD and \m/ gave white peace) you did not try to make up a reason. You did give some examples if what it might be but none of them really are correct. So I applaud your efforts here and look to some day chatting in irc.

Edited January 4, 2010 by angryraccoon

[Adam Suttler]

There is no truer statement on the floor at this time.

[Biazt]

Surprisingly accurate for the most part. Well done.

[Augustus Autumn]

Tokugawa

I would have to say well done. It is a fairly accurate synopsis of what went down. When you did not know the true fact of an issue (ie when Athens RoK GOD and \m/ gave white peace) you did not try to make up a reason. You did give some examples if what it might be but none of the really are correct. So I applaud your efforts here and look to some day chatting in irc.

Sir Raccoon,

First, do stop by. It's quite the eclectic bunch who share my locale.

Second, I've given up on guessing the reasons and claiming to know. Londo, Hoo, Liquid Mercury and the rest will likely never actually come out and say what really happened so we'll have to go on making up stories which seem to fit. I'm rather convinced of what happened based on previous behavior. However, as I've noted elsewhere, public guessing is rather entertaining so there's some merit in it. It all depends on if you have the time or not and how good of a read you have on the situation.

Cheers and thanks!

[LetsHunt]

Subjective event is subjective

[Mustakrakish II]

I feel this is very biased once i saw you called the Athens' side the supercomplaints coalition.

i stopped reading there.

[Augustus Autumn]

I feel this is very biased once i saw you called the Athens' side the supercomplaints coalition.

i stopped reading there.

I honestly had no idea what to call it so I went by this which gives that name. I'm assuming the witty character who created the name merged "The Superfriends" with "The Complaints and Grievances Union" for the name. But hey, it's probably biased and whatever and not a play on words.

Oh lordy, but I'm the bad biased man. Save me now.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni

[Vilien]

This was actually pretty good.

[Caesius]

Personally, I think the article is biased as well, since multiple times I've seen SF/CnG refer to themselves as "SuperGrievances" while the other side called them "SuperComplaints." If CC got to name themselves, then so should SG.

[Gopherbashi]

Shot up, leader off visiting some island somewhere or something, and left out to dry by its allies in its time of needs.

With the exceptions of Zenith and The Order Of Light, your showing was utterly and completely pathetic. TPF called on you within twenty-four hours of being attacked. Your response: you sat on your defensive obligations and did nothing except whine. When you were called to ask you tried to act cryptic and then whined some more.

Left out to dry? You do realise that TPF's allies did not join right away specifically at the request of TPF, correct? I had assumed this was basic knowledge by this point.

[Augustus Autumn]

Personally, I think the article is biased as well, since multiple times I've seen SF/CnG refer to themselves as "SuperGrievances" while the other side called them "SuperComplaints." If CC got to name themselves, then so should SG.

Point taken. I'll make an edit to correct this - I just took it that this was the accepted name. Then again, it's still being called "The TPF War" instead of the "Worst War Ever" so there you go.

Left out to dry? You do realise that TPF's allies did not join right away specifically at the request of TPF, correct? I had assumed this was basic knowledge by this point.

No, I'm sorry, I must have been basing my knowledge on the bit where mhawk asked all of TPF's allies to support them as seen here. Also, note the bit where I discuss the 30-odd people running around on IRC having all the fun while nobody else gets let in on the big secret. Aside from a bunch of CC members making cryptic statements the common response was akin to a fart in church - giggle-inducing for five seconds, then passed over once everyone composes themselves.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni

[Un4Gvn1]

Good luck on this and, for pity's sake, cut it with the spy ops. It didn't work when you sent me out. It didn't work with Zero Hour. I'm sensing a trend here.

Shogun Tokugawa Mitsukuni

Pyramid Scottish Assault Squadron

Who sent you out?

By the way, interesting reading.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Peggy_Sue

[Augustus Autumn]

Who sent you out?

That would be Slayer99 with mhawk's assent. But that's a different and much funnier story for another time. One that would get TPF and another alliance rolled all over again.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni

[Vilien]

That would be Slayer99 with mhawk's assent. But that's a different and much funnier story for another time. One that would get TPF and another alliance rolled all over again.

I haven't heard this one. Let's hear it then.

[Alterego]

You say you fell asleep during the war, Please go back to sleep because you havent a clue what you are jabbering about besides pushing your obvious anti-TPF and pretty much anti everyone else agenda.

[Augustus Autumn]

I haven't heard this one. Let's hear it then.

For another time, my good Vilien. For another time. It would be poor form to go start another war so hard on the heels of this one - might overshadow it even. If there really is serious interest from enough persons who actually have the intestinal fortitude to sustain a major campaign then I'm all for it. Also, if such a party is going to show up I'd advise it include the governments of Nordreich and The German Empire. You know where to find me.

But this is all a digression. Back to the topic at hand!

You say you fell asleep during the war, Please go back to sleep because you havent a clue what you are jabbering about besides pushing your obvious anti-TPF and pretty much anti everyone else agenda.

No. And, if you'll note, I'm not anti-everyone else, just anti-hypocrites and blowhards. If your next response isn't something akin to "do something about it if you don't like it" I'll be very disappointed.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni

[Alterego]

No. And, if you'll note, I'm not anti-everyone else, just anti-hypocrites and blowhards. If your next response isn't something akin to "do something about it if you don't like it" I'll be very disappointed.

1 day after the DoWs from the coalition TPF got white peace it was a nil all draw with us playing away from home. If you think nothing changed you are very much mistaken. Two weeks ago there were multiple corners of Bob then last week it was split almost down the middle. Treaties were dropped and signed and decisions that were made will continue to impact politics on Bob for the foreseeable future. FYI Ive never said either of those 2 things.

Londo, Hoo, Liquid Mercury and the rest will likely never actually come out and say what really happened so we'll have to go on making up stories which seem to fit. I'm rather convinced of what happened based on previous behavior. However, as I've noted elsewhere, public guessing is rather entertaining so there's some merit in it..

I do like this though

Edited January 4, 2010 by Alterego

[Feanor Noldorin]

Our flag looks fantastic.

[Augustus Autumn]

1 day after the DoWs from the coalition TPF got white peace it was a nil all draw with us playing away from home. If you think nothing changed you are very much mistaken. Two weeks ago there were multiple corners of Bob then last week it was split almost down the middle. Treaties were dropped and signed and decisions that were made will continue to impact politics on Bob for the foreseeable future. FYI Ive never said either of those 2 things.

I'm going to attempt to translate this one. Please correct me if I miss something.

1. You're asserting that one day (less, actually) after this wonderful coalition comes in to save TPF it's a win? If that's the case, you guys need better victories. "Hey, TPF got pounded for days but we showed up and waved some flags and looked threatening! Medals and cupcakes for the troops! Woohoo!" Seriously, don't even try to paint that as a victory.

2. You're talking about there being multiple "corners" of the 'verse (I'm assuming political) and now it being polarized again. I don't see how that's relevant in the least. Please explain.

3. What didn't you say?

Our flag looks fantastic.

You're darn tootin' it does.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Tokugawa Mitsukuni