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Why I became a GOON



I started my nation in Feb 07 when I saw the link on Fark.com. Irony tag assplodes by the time this blog is over.

I didn't read the Fark thread about the link, though, so I wasn't really aware that there was a Fark alliance or that they were in the deathgrip of a war with GOONS. In fact, I wasn't really aware of any alliances; I knew there were alliances, but I didn't see any reason to join one, I just collected taxes every day. I never got techraided because I never bought tech--why buy something so expensive :v:

My manager was also playing, and he got raided one day in August, so he decided to join an alliance (MHA). I found out there was a GOONS alliance, so I joined it. I wasn't a forum goon, but I had been enthralled by Yablonski's tales of North Appleton for 4 years by that point, and SA was generally hilarious. y boss suggested Fark since we joined because of Fark, but I figured I had been reading SA since 2001, but Fark only since 2007, so I went with GOONS.

I joined right in the middle of ModGate and the Moldavi Rebellion, and everyone in #goonrush was constantly talking about some guy named Ivan LOLdavi and people were all the time linking their QQQQQQQ posts on the OWF, so I began reading the OWF and really playing the game for the first time a full 6 months after first starting my nation.

Unfortunately, I joined GOONS just in time for GOONS to get the ever loving snot kicked out of it by NpO, GGA, and cronies, the forum (GOONS forum) was deleted in Novemeber like 2 weeks after I got masked out of the bootcamp, etc etc--it was a crummy time to join. When Alastor and banned member took over (there;s two people I miss), they had a lot of us fake surrender so we could spy, so I did that and had a lot of fun for a while. When they made a new forum they wanted everyone's SomethingAwful forum acct name, so I finally bought an account for me and also one for Naguchanzilla. I primarily went ahead and registered on the SA forums after so many years so that in the future Sardonic would be able to cite my post count and call me not a real goon.

Why did you become a GOON?


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You missed out on all the fun.

I don't think your minuscule amount time in Neutral Shoving really makes you credible to be called a GOON.

Haha, you beat Sardonic to it. This is a lighthearted response to the other blog that's up now, not The Case for Schattenmann's GOONity.

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In the everlasting words of runkuku: "you're a faKeGOON".

You have less than 20 posts on SA, the majority of which are in a single thread about lawyering, riveting.

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In the everlasting words of runkuku: "you're a faKeGOON".

You have less than 20 posts on SA, the majority of which are in a single thread about lawyering, riveting.

I think "can I be arrested for watching teenagers beat each other up in a churchyard" is a pretty riveting sequence of posts.

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In the everlasting words of runkuku: "you're a faKeGOON".

You have less than 20 posts on SA, the majority of which are in a single thread about lawyering, riveting.

Schatt was a J4G? That almost makes too much sense.

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When was it that you got around to betraying the browncoats in the Bubblegum war?


Well, let's see. I wasn't told where to go after I fake surrendered. So, I just applied to the first alliance at the top of the Player Created Alliances forum. It turned out to be this GOLD diaspora AA Republican Organization for Liberty led by Nintenderek with some other GOLDies, they made me MoD because I had a copy of GOONS's/Arcades' war guide.

Then ROFL merged with Purge which was also mostly ex-GOLD, and the sitting MoD Uberspion quit in outrage (there was all kinds of ex-GOLD drama, never got it) so Purge made me MoD. Then TPF disbanded our gov and installed a Viceroy (first greenacres then like 5 hours later OneBallMan) because we were going to merge and form a new AA with Starfox and KaiserMartens and Slayer thought Starfox was racist and KM was a NAZI. The Viceroy made me Vice-Emperor with Kharn420. We just sort of flopped around losing members like crazy until we were down to like 15, then on the night One Vision attacked GPA I used a metaphor toward DarkMistress which she interpreted as me calling her a NAZI, so TPF crapped bricks and Slayer acted all "after all we've done for you!" and dropped us; at that point there was no reason to keep Purge around so we disbanded and I joined Browncoats because ChairmanHal is awesome and he was the Prime Minister there.

I was still a Hidden GOONS operative, so I threw a fit on the Black Conclave forum when CIS moved to Black and sanctioned banned member (http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showuser=2116) who had been a GOONS Senator the whole time even though there were less and less GOONS to vote and she was sitting in PM longer and longer and had to sell off stuff to stay out of bill lock. They also sanctioned WarriorConcept who was ghosting GOONS after NPO stopped protecting him (he had been a personal protectorate post-UjW bc he was such a good ally to NPO). CIS got super pissed at me for calling them NpO's puppet and agents of chaos etc etc, and demanded that Browncoats let me be ZIed, but Hal told them to piss up a tree. Then they demanded an apology out of me instead, so I wrote this backhanded thing that made them even more mad. Then Obsidian, who was in a bloc with CIS, announced they were going to run a second senator for that bloc (besides CIS's Senator) I spammed all of Obsidian's membership to vote for the OBR candidate. I figured if Obsidian was telling everyone at the Black Conclave that they were running, their membership already knew, but as luck would have it they didn't and so Obsidian was forced to wait another two months to run. So, now the Dark Confederate bloc was all gunning for me.

A month or so later, Mechans and Veneke--the MoD and MoFA--poached the majority of what was left of the dwindling Browncoats active membership right before elections. There was no one running for anything, so I ran for MoFA. We had some Black treaty partners and some Brown treaty partners, and I had become very close to Zzzptm, President of Black Defense Council. Browncoats, M*A*S*H, and some of the smaller brown AAs in the UPS bloc started agitating for GATO to only have 1 seat on the Senate, and let us rotate the other two among the rest of UPS, but BarbulaM1 refused, so we all began leaving the UPS bloc. Browncoats gov was super slow and inactive, so we were still in UPS a couple weeks later when everyone found out that GATO had broken its surrender terms to NPO (to never let ChrisKaos in gov again). GATO had signed treaties with all of us under false premises--they KNEW they had violated the terms and would be attacked one day, but they didn't reveal that to anyone, they went about the business of creating a meatswarm; I continued to urge BC's Prime Minister to hurry up and cancel the treaty due to GATO's unwillingness to treat us as equals in the Senate and for pulling the wool over our eyes in regards to the ChrisKaos violation, but they were too slow, still.

As war loomed, I also realized that the treaty chains would create a situation pitting half of Black against the other half of Black, that Browncoats would be stuck put up against people that had been threatening to disband us on the forums for months, and that we could not manage a war of this magnitude--no one was active. For example, in 3 months I had several hundred (I want to say almost 600) posts on the Browncoats forum, but Lamuella, who had been there for over 6 months, had 40. GATO opened a channel for all its allies to coordinate in the run-up to the inevitable war, there was some small commie alliance in it which was also allied to ODN, and over everyone's objections, they brought WalkerNinja into the channel. I don't know why the commie alliance was so !@#$@#$ retarded as to believe that WalkerNinja would defend them in a war against NPO, but they insisted that we were all wrong about ODN, that they were super allies and would stick with the commies. Of course, WalkerNinja sat around for a few hours taking logs, announced that ODN would not help the commies, and then sent his logs to NPO and said that WE were gathering a coalition to attack NPO!!

At this point, I went to Zzzptm and told him that he had to tell these guys that this was all stupid, but he rightly informed me he was stuck on the conveyor belt just like us. He was in all three major Black blocs and knew the war would shred Black, I had my GOONS undercurrents and also didn't want Browncoats put through the grinder for the likes of GATO. So, what's the only reason an alliance can't go to war? If they're already at war. This is where everyone goes into black-white mode and without a sense of nuance and of global politics they go into GAWDERN COWARDS mode. Too many people know the luxury of the decline of Pacifican dominance, in that time it was nothing to disband an alliance like Browncoats that stirred up trouble, and that's exactly what we had been promised would happen if they ever got their hands on us. It wasn't about saving infra, it was about getting Browncoats into the future.

So, we made a war. BDC cancelled their treaty with OTS (that was real) and I wrote an insulting OWF thread (the sentiment was real), boom they declared war and 30 minutes later the 1 Vision-GATO War began.

People don't understand that when the war began, we were on such a tight schedule trying to roll it out before the other war, that there were no preconceived terms. Zzzptm had some ideas, but we didn't discuss anything for another day or two. The plan was beautiful, Browncoats took some light damage--seriously, Lamuella and Princeps and others went BANANAS but we're talking 3 rounds of GAs--surrendered, and walked away to get its internal structure back in shape. But the infra-huggers and narrowminded idiots in Browncoats couldn't see past their own noses, they thought 5,000 tech reps were the end of the world; I had enough money to buy most of it ALL BY MYSELF. They all talk a lot of honor bullcrap about defending GATO, but they couldn't handle 3 days of war, you think they honest-to-god could handle a month? That's a joke.

Let's wrap this up:

I was able to put the plan in place because the Prime Minister was out of commission for some reason, Nintenderek (MoD) had no reliable internet connection, Mickey-whatever (Thompson?) was on a youth retreat, and the internal affairs guy Huang Ti had been AWoL for over 2 weeks--I was left the only gov for a week.

When the rubber hit the road I told Durim (now Kahn), no one knew I was doing it in the run-up, no one knew til after we were already at war. Kahn was furious, but he got the idea and I guess he figured he could deal with me when it was over. When Nintenderek logged in and found us at war, he opened a tread to have me dismissed, so Kahn gave him the very limited logs that I had passed to Kahn to keep Nintenderek calm. Nintenderek then posted those very limited logs in the gov forum. Brownocats gov forum was a wreck, there were probably a twice as many people with access as there were actually in gov.

Some idiot with gov access created a fake account and posted the logs in Browncoats surrender thread. To this day I have no idea what that moron thought they were going to accomplish. They posted the logs like they were going to save Browncoats from public disgrace and the whole world would stone me and lift Browncoats on their shoulders. Stupid. It might have been my fault, but that dumbass that posted the logs sealed Browncoats' fate: NpO installed a Viceroy on BDC, nulled Browncoats terms (including protection), PZIed me and Zzzptm. Browncoats was left exposed, and even though I was out of the Browncaots picture for good, Dark Confederate declared war a few days later for their long revenge.

People like you like to sneer at the Bubblegum War, go ahead. I've been complimented on the Bubblegum War by everyone from Vox members to NPO Imperial Officers, people still randomly tell me that they were amazed by it--it was one of the most imaginative and intricate plots in history. I still get emotional thinking about the end result of Browncoats, but my plan was working without a hitch until a Browncoat wrecked it; the Bubblegum War met every goal we set forth, Browncoats was attacked by Dark Confederate only after the plot was exposed by myopic dullards.

Anyway, I don't know why I typed all that: I wrote everything I just said over 3 years ago, there's a wiki article, I tell it the same every time because I tell the truth every time. But 3 years later you still ask because you refuse the truth. Browncoats was dead long before the Bubblegum War, it was dead when HPS was formed. If the Bubblegum War had never happened it would have disbanded 2 weeks later along with IAA anyway. If you were so intent on saving Browncoats, you should have stepped up to the plate before the Bubblegm War, not torn your hair out after.

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Because Something Awful made a thread about it and DumbWhiteGuy brought teh beers

Remember the Baby Death Squad of Doom or whatever? Hahahaha we were so naive bragging to DumWhiteGuy about our wars and he was so patient like "wow, great work." Man. I was pretty sad when Mayki quit,

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Remember the Baby Death Squad of Doom or whatever? Hahahaha we were so naive bragging to DumWhiteGuy about our wars and he was so patient like "wow, great work." Man. I was pretty sad when Mayki quit,

Ha!! Man, those were the good ol' days of yore! I remember getting the first 3-mil in war aid after forming the baby death squad of impending doom and going "WOW! I can survive for weeks off of this!" It didn't last longer than seven days with all the bonehead decisions I made. By the time I figured it all out, I was ordered undercover. That didn't last long since nobody knew what the hell was going on. If it wasn't for DumWhiteGuy going "keep it up!", I would have quit this game years ago.

Mayki quit after one of the sites we ran was sold to an Australian company (subsequently, he named his nation name after the site), we took the loot and ran our separate ways. He's still alive and kicking via facebook and telephone, but has been through some tough times as of late. I'll have to pester him to stop by and say hello.

I also blame Pringer X and Mr Hinky. Both of which aren't around anymore.

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Rebel Virginia has always been in GOONS.

Dear sir, you're a boon for this community.

(For those of you which didn't read the novel, please do.)

<SNIP> Anyway, I don't know why I typed all that <SNIP>

I don't know either, maybe you just bit, why don't you just link them?

I hope you're happy to know that, even if I still maintain that that feat was brilliant and funny, I at least didn't waste my time by reading another wall of text on the subject... I know you love me, that's it.

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Anyway, I don't know why I typed all that: I wrote everything I just said over 3 years ago, there's a wiki article, I tell it the same every time because I tell the truth every time.

I could have sworn you made a topic about it more recently than that as well. What would it have been, around the time Haf was going at Zzzptm on the OWF until they finally got to fight in Bipolar? I seem to remember Zzzptm making a topic about it all too.

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