ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Most of you will be very happy to know I've decided to pull the plug on ILT. It didn't go on for very long, but we all realized it was the greatest pile of poop I'd ever composed (OK, not quite as bad as the VE thing. That really was a kick in the groin) Anyway, having got a tincy name for myself as a..(brace yourself) 'journalist' I thought it was time to go out with a bang. I'd like to begin by apologizing to the Fark government. Confusing people is not big and it's not clever. It's quite funny though. So here goes, the big 'news' that Fark has declared war on Deinos...and I interview unwitting members about it! [size="6"]FARK DECLARE WAR ON DEINOS[/size](giggle) <scratchscreen> Hi <Durandan[Fark]> Hello <scratchscreen> I'm Scratch, from In Layman's Terms, you probably know why I'm interviewing you... <Durandan[Fark]> I'm afraid I don't, really <scratchscreen> Fark's declared war on Goons? What's your opinion of this? <Durandan[Fark]> I'd say it's been quite some time since Fark has declared war on Goons, and I'd also like to point out I'm not .gov and really can't comment beyond that. <scratchscreen> Fark declared war on Goons an hour and a half ago? It's all over the forums...I'm looking for a users view? <Durandan[Fark]> Well, someone in .gov must've got drunker than usual. <scratchscreen> Will you be having an active involvement in the war? <Durandan[Fark]> Well, the thing is <Durandan[Fark]> I've been queried by my superiors, informing me that I don't have the power to be in interviews <Durandan[Fark]> And considering I'm one of those dumb "point me at the target and hit the launch nuke button" guys I think I'll have to ask you to talk to Atanatar, he should be in #farkistan <scratchscreen> Thanks for your time though, it's must appreciated. Best of luck! Shortly after this, I received the following: <Atanatar[Fark]> Good afternoon, I heard you're spreading rumours about a supposed Fark DoW on GOONS? <scratchscreen> I've been informed by a source who has chosen not to be named about a war <Atanatar[Fark]> Given that i'm Fark .gov, I hope you're not shocked that this is the first i'm hearing of this. I decided to continue, despite this. <scratchscreen> Hi <bmckenna[Fark]> hi yourself <scratchscreen> Thanks. I'm from In Layman's Terms. Mind if I ask you a few questions? <bmckenna[Fark]> shoot! <scratchscreen> I'm sure you've heard enough about the big war, but did the ongoing feud give the impression it was leading to war? <bmckenna[Fark]> which big war and which ongoing feud? <scratchscreen> Well, Fark declared war on Deinos...it's all over the forums? <bmckenna[Fark]> oh, that war. <scratchscreen> Yeah <bmckenna[Fark]> i wouldn't call it "war" so much as a jurassic park type situation. <scratchscreen> No, an hour ago they declared war officially. <bmckenna[Fark]> you know, we've got our island, the dinosaurs are all cool <bmckenna[Fark]> then freaking NEWMAN comes in and ruins everything <bmckenna[Fark]> and since we didn't say the stupid magic word <bmckenna[Fark]> all the power goes out, the electric fences go down <bmckenna[Fark]> and the dinos start running free <bmckenna[Fark]> eventually i get into one of our jeeps and drive off. shame i had to leave the kids behind, but... <bmckenna[Fark]> war is hell. it's every man for himself. <scratchscreen> It sure is <scratchscreen> But, will you be taking an active role in the war? <bmckenna[Fark]> i mean, i'll probably return to the island to help clean up once the mess has settled down, yeah. <bmckenna[Fark]> take a helicopter in or something once they get all the security systems restored. <scratchscreen> That's awfully nice of you <bmckenna[Fark]> i try my best. i mean, one man against a t-rex is crazy dangerous odds, but...it's the life of a farker <scratchscreen> There is no war, is there? <bmckenna[Fark]> i mean...there's no news coverage, but what did you expect? <bmckenna[Fark]> things go very awry on a private corporation's island <bmckenna[Fark]> of course they're going to decline any comments to the media <scratchscreen> This is all just a prank for the last issue of In Layman's Terms, isn't it? But you knew that <bmckenna[Fark]> well, duh. we wouldn't war deinos, not with our super secret MDAP we have with them. <bmckenna[Fark]> oh, crap, i wasn't supposed to mention that, was it... <bmckenna[Fark]> DAMMIT. <bmckenna[Fark]> *was i <bmckenna[Fark]> now i'm really screwed. <bmckenna[Fark]> please don't tell gov i said anything, ok? <scratchscreen> I won't <bmckenna[Fark]> thanks pal, you're a real lifesaver <bmckenna[Fark]> good luck in your future endeavors! <scratchscreen> by the way, I need permission to publish this to ILT, but I assume it's a yes <bmckenna[Fark]> if you think it's publishable, go for it <bmckenna[Fark]> can you fix my typo so i don't look like such a tool? <scratchscreen> There's nothing wrong with looking like a tool. People have compared my head shape to a hammer before <bmckenna[Fark]> fair enough. i've been compared to a reciprocating saw, myself. <scratchscreen> A very attractive recipracating saw, I'm sure. <Atanatar[Fark]> Indeed. What was being said, how ever? <scratchscreen> Here is the message: "Fark V Deinos..it's coming" <Atanatar[Fark]> Yeah, sounds like wild conspiracy theories to me. Some one is pulling your leg. <scratchscreen> Unless of course, I'm pulling my own leg? <Atanatar[Fark]> So you admit it's a possibility you're possibly making this stuff up, for the benefit of your own ego and drama? <scratchscreen> No, sorry, I was just trying to think of something to return with... <scratchscreen> Hi <stargatesg1[fark]> hi <scratchscreen> Do you mind if I ask you some questions about the war? <stargatesg1[fark]> what war? <scratchscreen> Fark V Deinos? <stargatesg1[fark]> would you care to link me to the OWF announcement of that war <stargatesg1[fark]> since I have heard nothing of it <scratchscreen> Well, will you be taking an active part in it? <stargatesg1[fark]> what war? <scratchscreen> Fark V Deinos <stargatesg1[fark]> there is not Fark v. Deions war. I think you should talk to .gov <scratchscreen> I've spoken to them and they said they will not comment any more, but I was permitted to speak to members. <stargatesg1[fark]> Well thats odd since there is no war to talk about <scratchscreen> You're quite hard to interview! Deinos V Fark!??!? Haven't the gov told you? <stargatesg1[fark]> I have heard of no such war <stargatesg1[fark]> I am not even sure who Deinos is <scratchscreen> Fark and Deinos have been arguing since time began. Earlier today, Fark officially declared war to settle it once and for all. <stargatesg1[fark]> oh really now <scratchscreen> Yeah <stargatesg1[fark]> I am a Fark member and active and there is no such feud <scratchscreen> I'm a journalist, well-known and respected [b][that's a lie][/b], and there has been an ongoing feud for some time <stargatesg1[fark]> I'm an active member there is no such feud <scratchscreen> Look, I'm not having a back and forth argument with you. <stargatesg1[fark]> forth* <stargatesg1[fark]> and no you are trolling me <scratchscreen> trolling is the wrong word <stargatesg1[fark]> quite poorly at that since there is no bloody war <stargatesg1[fark]> may I ask what AA are you on? <scratchscreen> ASDF <stargatesg1[fark]> never heard of them but thats not a big surprise since I am not active in politics <scratchscreen> Well then, it's unsuprising you don't know about the FARK v DEINOS war <stargatesg1[fark]> no since I am active internally <stargatesg1[fark]> and we get that information <stargatesg1[fark]> unless you are passing along intel that Deinos is intending on attacking Fark <stargatesg1[fark]> that would be greatly appreciated <scratchscreen> I assumed you'd take the intel in the right way, but clearly I have to paint the picture! <stargatesg1[fark]> thanks for it I'll be sure to pass it on <Atanatar[Fark]> You're going around spouting accusations of Fark going to war against alliances that it has very little reason to attack. This leads to a few possibilities: You're making this stuff up or some one if feeding you hilariously bad information. In either case, it's a rather poor attempt to slander Fark, and thus I would appreciate it if you comported your self in accordance with the gravity <Atanatar[Fark]> of the charges you'r levying against us. <scratchscreen> ok, I'm sorry. I'll stop now and make clear to all the people I asked about it I'm now certain I was wrong <bmckenna[Fark]> are you hitting on me? <bmckenna[Fark]> if so...proceed. <bmckenna[Fark]> <scratchscreen> <scratchscreen> And on that note... <bmckenna[Fark]> ta ta! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Quite some time after publishing this, I received this: <scratchscreen> Are you a member of Deinos? <Caliph> no <Caliph> sorry for the delay, was afk <Caliph> i'm in Umbrella, not Deinos <scratchscreen> oh. That's a bummer. <Caliph> why are you looking for someone from Deinos? <Caliph> you might have better luck with someone on their forums? <scratchscreen> probably. <Caliph> well good luck with that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melancholy Culkin Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 <bmckenna[Fark]> well, duh. we wouldn't war deinos, not with our super secret MDAP we have with them. HAW HAW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groucho Marx Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Another example of exceptional journalism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 <scratchscreen> I'm 'obliged' (according to your government) to inform you that this was, in fact, a prank performed. There was no malicious intent. <bmckenna[Fark]> lol, no worries. i figured as much before your "big reveal" <bmckenna[Fark]> a+ would play again <scratchscreen> When you get an 'official' title as a journalist, might as well take advantage of it! <scratchscreen> And I know you did...some people were making a massive deal <bmckenna[Fark]> especially when the paper is closing <scratchscreen> Thanks for reading <bmckenna[Fark]> np! <scratchscreen> And on that note, Fark off! See you later <bmckenna[Fark]> lol, take it easy. <scratchscreen> I said fark <bmckenna[Fark]> you did! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='Emperor Marx' timestamp='1330725729' post='2932144'] Another example of exceptional journalism. [/quote] Did he not understand the joke, or is he just jealous he didn't get interviewed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atanatar Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 (edited) What a remarkable waste of time this entire thing has been. Edited March 2, 2012 by Atanatar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='Atanatar' timestamp='1330726297' post='2932150'] What a remarkable waste of time this entire thing has been. [/quote] Welcome to my world. It could have only worked with Fark. I tried it with other alliances: #ponies <scratchscreen> erm...guys...you're not at war with anyone are you? <BigMacintosh> Who? <Chezik> I want one * Durandan[Fark] it begins <bananagram> hey guys <Chezik> if it would stop jamming <bananagram> feeling a bit antsy? <bananagram> well let's fight someone anyway <scratchscreen> I mean, I really want a nice little story for the final issue of ILT, but I'm totally strapped <BigMacintosh> How often do you clean it chezik? That got out of hand way to quickly... #umbrella <scratchscreen> are you guys at war? <Omniscientone> They're at war with Deinos. <scratchscreen> I heard that too <Atanatar[Fark]> I'll have to activate the super secret MDAP Fark has with Deinos, then. <scratchscreen> oh forget it. #ve #ve Cannot join channel (+b) (you are banned) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
905tf Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 This is by far the most ridiculous, silly thing I've heard in quite some time. As Submitter (President) of Farkistan, I can personally assure you that we have not DoW'd either GOONS or Denios and that scratchscreen's "journalism" is nothing more than complete fabrication. Now were you really hitting on bmckenna, that's the real question... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='905tf' timestamp='1330726736' post='2932157'] This is by far the most ridiculous, silly thing I've heard in quite some time. As Submitter (President) of Farkistan, I can personally assure you that we have not DoW'd either GOONS or Denios and that scratchscreen's "journalism" is nothing more than complete fabrication. Now were you really hitting on bmckenna, that's the real question... [/quote] Ah man, and there's me thinking you had! Sorry, I tried to make it clear that this was a joke....obviously we need a good leader like you to rise up and paint the picture as clear as day. The real answer would concern you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atanatar Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='ScratchScreen' timestamp='1330726533' post='2932154'] #ve #ve Cannot join channel (+b) (you are banned) [/quote] Best part, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deimos27 Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Jurassic Park guy made this worth it. Wait no, it didn't. Almost though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='Atanatar' timestamp='1330726919' post='2932161'] Best part, in my opinion. [/quote] Glad to see I amused you in some way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Ilyani Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Hopefully it is the final issue, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScratchScreen Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 (edited) [quote name='Bob Ilyani' timestamp='1330727770' post='2932177'] Hopefully it is the final issue, [/quote] It is. Hence the 'Final Issue' remark. Edited March 2, 2012 by ScratchScreen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nippy Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 this almost sucked. bmckenna seems to be pretty damn cool. Screw you, Fark. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gloin Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 What? But I was ready to launch my very first nuke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bmckenna Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 [quote name='nippy' timestamp='1330728981' post='2932193'] this almost sucked. bmckenna seems to be pretty damn cool. Screw you, Fark. [/quote] Thanks! My comedy-fu was a little off this afternoon, but I'm mostly happy with the job I did. As for whether or not scratchscreen was flirting with me, I'll post a pic and let him or her decide: [img]http://i.imgur.com/ciWWPl.jpg[/img] (Yes, that really is me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IYIyTh Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Nonsense, 905. These heinous... Nevermind. I can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New Frontier Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 COMEDY AT ITS FINEST Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maecilla Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) Oh, THIS GUY again. query [quote]scratchscreen Hi === scratchscreen <scratchscr@coldfront-15224B35.as13285.net> “Cyber Nations Webchat User” === scratchscreen is a registered nick === scratchscreen: member of ~#forgotten and #cybernations === scratchscreen: attached to frozen.coldfront.net “Welcome to Coldfront!” --- End of WHOIS information for scratchscreen. Maecilla - Hello scratchscreen - How long you been playing CN? Maecilla - since december scratchscreen - so you are new? Maecilla - my nation is quite young yes scratchscreen - Do you want to help me? It will make you famous...and get you some cash!! Maecilla - really how? scratchscreen - Planting a rumour Maecilla - ok Maecilla - how do you do that scratchscreen - Query everyone...and say this: "Did you hear about Deinos" if you get any responses...query me straight away scratchscreen - For every person you sucessfully persuade, I'll give you $1000 Maecilla - oh cool Maecilla - what do I have to persuade them scratchscreen - Just do it, and we'll see what happens Maecilla - ok cool scratchscreen - Ok, whenever someoene replies, say this "Deinos is making all our members go into DEFCON 1" scratchscreen - start by telling scorpionblue Maecilla - ok ill tell him Maecilla - are you with Deinos scratchscreen - no, but you are Maecilla - but then how do you know we're going to decfon 1 scratchscreen - I made it up, so people think you are going to war Maecilla - oh ok Maecilla - against who scratchscreen - just say you don't know Maecilla - so are you a spy then scratchscreen - No Maecilla - but if ure not in deinos how do you know were going to war scratchscreen - ARE you going to war? Maecilla - unless ure spy!!!1 scratchscreen - But you're not going to war are you? Maecilla - because I asked magister and he said that nobody apart from embers shuld be able to see the thread scratchscreen - I can't see the thread! I JUST MADE IT UP!!! Maecilla - but you told me to tell people deinos is going to war scratchscreen - yeah scratchscreen - To see if the rumour spreads Maecilla - so you saw the thread Maecilla - btu if youre not in deinos Maecilla - it means you spied scratchscreen - I didn't see anything, I just made up a lie. Maecilla - oh ok scratchscreen - Ok, next step is the tough one. Maecilla - ok Maecilla - Im ready scratchscreen - On the MAIN IRC (#cybernations) you need to say "Has anyone heard about DEINOS?" scratchscreen - If you do it, I will instantly send you... scratchscreen - THREE MILLION!! Maecilla - what Maecilla - are u serious scratchscreen - Yep! Maecilla - how do I know ure not lying scratchscreen - You'll just have to trust me Maecilla - yeah but ure lying about deinos so maybe ure lying to me too!!! scratchscreen - And you have to do one simple thing, and you have a high chance of getting 3 mill...surely that's worth it! Maecilla - but what if ppl get mad at me scratchscreen - They won't. They will thank you. You don't have to say anything but "Has anyone heard about Deinos" Maecilla - oh ok Maecilla - well if ure sure[/quote] #cybernations [quote]Maecilla - hey guys Maecilla - what about Deinos? scratchscreen - Yeah...aren't they getting members prepared for war?! Maecilla - yeah I heard they are preparing a massive raid Maecilla - against this one idiot from VE... scratchscreen - Who? What did he do? Maecilla - acted like a dumbass Maecilla - going around asking someone from Deinos gov to spread rumors about Deinos[/quote] Edited March 3, 2012 by Maecilla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim Jaym Il Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Proud to have made the final issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groucho Marx Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) This is well done. Thank you, Maecilla. Edit: Why did I think one of you was the other? Edited March 3, 2012 by Emperor Marx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melancholy Culkin Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Haha brilliant Maecilla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ameroca Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 [quote name='Maecilla' timestamp='1330738510' post='2932297'] Oh, THIS GUY again. query #cybernations [/quote] Unlike the op, this was funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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