D2theMcV Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 As we're sure you're all aware, we here at Farkistan are on a never-ending mission, to seek out unique and pointless ways to waste not only our time, but everybody else's as well. So, for this month's Erection, we decided to forego the over-hyped popularity contest known as democracy, and actually make our candidates do something useful. Since CN has been more stagnant and boring than ever, this month's would-be gov had to keep us entertained to earn their spot. But who could ever hope to judge such a myriad of talent? Talents like auto-cannibalism (ENI can eat his own head. It's amazing. Seriously, ask him for pics of his "tub sub" trick). Talents like "staring at women on the bus until they get uncomfortable and clutch their purses a little tighter" (a lot of Farkers are good at this). To make the ultimate decision we had to assemble a very eclectic group of judges who all are pseudo-celebrities spanning 3 continents who can act pleasant while pretending to be experts in every field of entertainment and passing condescending judgement down on people with real talent! UP YOURS, HOWIE MANDEL, I AM A BALANCE-BEAM GOD. Time for the show! Hi OWF, I'm Nick Canon. We know you're all on tenterhooks (even though we have no idea what a "tenterhook" actually is), so let's bring out our first contestant. To start off, we have CountryMouse, the master of dominoes! Take it away, CountryMouse! CountryMouse Wow! It looks like somebody is going to be the first one out... Let's see what the judges say. "That was abso-lutely pathetic. It's like you've never done this act before. I'm practically offended that you even got up on the stage. That was so bad, SO bad that I'll even bet you're reading this in my voice. And just for that, I'm going to put you through." Well, that certainly bodes well for our next act! Here's a lovely young woman who gives new meaning to "getting your panties in a bunch!" Ladies and gentleman, let's give a big hand to one_eighty_two! one_eighty_two Fellas, I bet you'd all like to get her phone number! Am I right? HAHAHAhahahaaaaaaa...... Hmph. Let's go to the judges! "I've never seen a human being that I could use as shoe laces. At least, I would, if I wasn't too OCD to actually use shoelaces. Where's my hand sanitizer? Anyway, the most important thing about your act is that I don't want you to shoot me with an arrow while you're twisted in a bizarre shape, so I'm going to say it: Congratulations! You've made it to the next round!" Well, I have to agree with Howie on both counts! It's nice to see women who can succeed through their merits, and not because some man is imagining all the different sexual positions he could do with her. Like that pretzel-shape-sex thing I saw on an Afghanistani unshaven legs fetish site.... Moving right along, our next act is...well, I'm not sure what he...or she...OK, it...is! We don't discriminate here at Farkistan! After all, we let Shinfat in! So take it away, Rampage3! Rampage3 Um, I'm just gonna go straight to the judges on this one, ok? "Rampage3, I absolutely LOVED it! I've often said that we need more entertainment options that focus intimately on body parts... Aside from porn. And because you quite literally have the guts to fill that "void", I'm happy to say you've advanced! I'm going to go throw up and fantasize about sex with you." I can honestly say I'm beginning to question everything I've ever known. But there's plenty more entertainment slated for us, so let's get to the next act and hope it's good enough to erase the images currently etched into our brains. I know you're going to love this next act. She combines all of her various talents together in an act you won't be able to take your eyes off of. I saw the rehearsal; I guarantee it! Without further ado, I present to you Beachrat! Beachrat I couldn't have dreamed up a better act to follow up the previous one. There's one judge I'm dying to know what he thinks! "I'm really torn, here! On the one hand, I love women with a good voice--and you have one. I love women who like to live dangerously--and you obviously do. And I love women who are naked--and you were. But, I have to question your decision to have your breasts replaced with British flags. That was so disappointing. I'm a big fan of boobs, and, with no disrespect to Great Britain, who would want to look at flags when they could look at boobs? But you're pretty talented anyway, so what the hell. Beachrat, you're moving on!" OK! Let's keep this party rolling! Up next, we have a man who I'm sure will win you over with his incredible interpersonal skills. Put your hands together for Kahiel! Kahiel Easily my favorite non-nude act of the night! But who knows what the judges will think? Kyle Sandilands, help us out! "WOW! So dynamic, and emotive! A very powerful performance! It's like a cross between Emo Phillips and Bobcat Goldthwait! It's like you had a stroke that was so bad, it gave me a stroke. And not the good kind of a stroke, if you know what I mean. You're definitely moving on, Kahiel. So happy to see talent like that, folks! We're getting close to the end, so hang in there! We'll be right back with the last two acts after this quick word from our sponsor. Tired of struggling with stubborn animals? Tired of pouring all your hard-earned donations into an unending stream of sugar cubes? Sick of getting kicked, headbutted, or bitten while "taking care of business?" The answer is here with Ol' MacDonald's Horny Goat Weed! Try it once and we promise you'll be baa-a-a-ack for more! Welcome back from that disturbing commercial to our disturbing announcement. This next act bills himself as "Bob's Most Dangerous Man!" If being a big-time mover and shaker on this god-awful chunk of the internet is being "dangerous," then 905 most certainly is its most dangerous man. Give it up for 9-0-5! 905 How's that for danger, people! I gotta say, the only time I had a scorpion in my pants it involved a back-pack, a one-eyed Labrador, and 20 tabs of medical grade peyote. But enough about Friday night, judge Holden, what is 905's fate? "I'm sooo turned on right now! He's certainly going to the next round! And I'm going to wring out my seat cushion!" For those of you who haven't died of boredom or passed out drunk while playing the FGT home drinking game, I'm pleased to present our final act of the night! A man so powerful, so mystical, so awesome, you'll be amazed by the feats he can perform! Words can't fully express how astonishingly magical this man truly is. Please give a big round of applause for Cable77! Cable77 I guess we should be used to let-downs by now. Oh well, let's see what celebrity model judge Heidi Klum has to say about it. I guess that's a yes! Goodnight everybody! Tune in next month for whatever ridiculousness we come up with next!tl;dr Submitter: Cable77 Squirrel: 905 TF Council: CountryMouse (SoTC) one_eighty_two Rampage3 Beachrat Kahiel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IYIyTh Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Needs even more 905 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prozenz Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Yay us! /I voted for Moose Hole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Williambonney Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Amazing read FARK, I'd totally re-read it a few more times. With a magnifying glass. The size of a room. One of those...whatyamacallit? Telescope thingys? Congrats to the erected elected. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarriorSoul Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 And this is why we love you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EViL0nE Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Congrats to the elected! I look forward to working with you all oppressing the masses.//Appointed gov ftw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garion Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Can't believe I can be the first to tell you guys how terrible you are. Abso-lutely pathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex987 Posted August 3, 2013 Report Share Posted August 3, 2013 Quality erections as always Fark! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainblesser Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Congrats to the elected and for wasting time(?) :) :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyTheHobo Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) Farkistan is looking totally down to erect for like no reason. Edited August 4, 2013 by Happy The Hobo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timberland Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 I voted for Hep :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KemMo Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Great lineup, Fark. Shoutout to 905, Ramps and CountryMouse :3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mythicknight Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Somebody say Heidi Klum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EgoFreaky Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Congrats to the elected! Now can someone lock that door of the insane asylum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scytale Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Congrats to the elected! Now can someone lock that door of the insane asylum? I tried but they kept distracting me with NSFW pics, fermented barley hops favored soda and some pork product. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Wally Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 Someone must stop the madness! Bring back the gong today!!!! PS - o/ Fark :awesome: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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