HappyTheHobo

My name is Happy The Hobo, and I approve this message.

Seven Drunken Farkers As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a bum outside the door where no old bum should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who is that bum outside the door where no old bum should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's just CountryMouse that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But a person sure who would vote for CountryMouse I never saw before! And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw some pants up on the line where my old pants should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who owns them pants up on the line where my old pants should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. Those belong to Rampage3 that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Rampage3 owning pants I never saw before! And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a meme up on the screen where my old meme should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me What is this meme up on the screen where my old meme should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's a pic of bmckenna that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But bmckenna in a taco hat I never saw before! And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw Dos Equis inside the fridge where my Yuengling should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Why's Dos Equis inside the fridge where my Yuengling should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That belongs to one_eighty_two that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But one_eighty_two affording good beer I never saw before! And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a head down in The Bowl where my old head should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who owns that head down in The Bowl where my old head should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That is just Rollo Gigante that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Rollo Gigante finished drinking by now I never saw before! And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a dove on my nation's page where a war option should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who killed my wars with all you whores without you warning me? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's 905's nation page that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But 905 hugging his pixels I never saw before! As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a lad running out the back, with great agility. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who was that lad running out the back with great agility? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That was just Cable77 that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Cable77 not in bed by ten I've never seen before! tl;dr Submitter: Cable77 Squirrel 905 Council: Rollo Gigante (SotC) one_eighty_two bmckenna Rampage3 CoutyMoose (aka CountryMouse)

You know that he's for sale, right? For just 100 tech and a keg of Boulevard Wheat you can be the owner of a gently used Cable.

Two words - Ben Farking Affleck. He directed and acted in last year's Best Picture winner, Argo (one of many critically acclaimed films in recent years). Now he's coming back to completely dump all over his progress by becoming Batman, which will surely remind us of his Bennifer days. Based on the uproar over the decision to cast Ben as Bruce Wayne/Batman in the "Man of Steel" sequel, it is obvious that fans are not pleased. In light of the strong negative reaction the announcement garnered, Farkistan has rounded up five Farkers for your consideration to replace Affleck as the new Batman. one_eighty_two: While his previous credits are anemic (his series of PSAs for early prostate cancer screening did not end well), one_eighty_two has the acting chops to pull off Batman. His four-pack-a-day habit of unfiltered Lucky Strikes gifted him with a voice that has just the right amount of raspiness, and his untreated case of TMJ has given him the necessary clenched jaw. Not to mention that he's, you know, not Ben Affleck. bmckenna: A bit of a darkhorse to play the Caped Crusader, bmckenna has one significant advantage over the rest of these farkers: a clinically diagnosed bat fetish. All his hygiene products, clothing, and home furnishings are made entirely by bats, or from bat-byproducts. He is a prolific writer and reader of bat fanfic and claims to use echolocation to navigate through his surroundings. While his more deviant behaviors with bats would sicken most sane humans, he avoids criminal prosecution because our legal system has woefully few laws on the subject of bat molestation. Also, he is not Ben Affleck. Rampage3: For pure volume of acting talent, no Farker comes close to the filmography of Rampage3. Granted, of his 1,341 film credits, 1,339 of them are adult films. Weird Moldovian adult films, where Yak milk is currency and the naked women look like they're wearing bikinis made of hair. He has starred in more pornographic Batman-themed parody films than any other living actor. We polled (what? it is a legitimate verb in this context) Farkistan's membership and asked if they would rather see Rampage3 play Batman, or see Ben Affleck in "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed." While the results are confidential, I can tell you that Rampage3 won. It should also be noted that Rampage3 is not Ben Affleck. CountryMouse: He's not the Batman actor we deserve, but he is the Batman actor we need right now. What the hell does that even mean? Was that previous question rhetorical? What about the sentence before this one? Look Bob, you're going to have to trust me on this one. We need CountryMouse for reasons I cannot articulate (aside from the fact that he is NOT Ben Affleck). It's a "me problem" and I'm working on it. stargatesg1: stargatesg1 is also not Ben Affleck. Wikipedia defines Cosplay as "Cosplay, short for 'costume play', is an activity in which participants wear costumes and accessories to represent a specific character or idea from a work of fiction." Around here, we define Cosplay as, "stargatesg1." What follows are just two examples of his excellent Batman Cosplay: [url=http://i.imgur.com/spx3a2b.jpg]Sample1[/url] & [url=http://i.imgur.com/aRswy9c.jpg]Sample2[/url]. It's uncanny - isn't it? Anyone who puts that much dedication into the costume work and effort into achieving the necessary physique to play the character...would make a much better Batman than Affleck. Hopefully, Hollywood will wake up and quit pissing all over our favorite DC heroes. I mean seriously. Ben Affleck as Batman?? Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern?? What's next, Dane Cook as the Flash? That slut from Twilight as Wonder Woman? Ugh. the only way this movie can be saved is if they cast Matt Damon as Robin and play it off as some sort of sick, cruel, unfunny joke. tl;dr - Fark has a new gov: one_eighty_two, SoTC bmckenna Rampage3 CountryMouse stargatesg1

Farkistan is looking totally down to erect for like no reason.

hali o7

We're always coming up with new and creative ways to force people into serving on the TotalFark council. It's a thankless job filled with hours of arguing, angry drinking, and endless complaints from grouchy Farkers. This month, we present... Farkers and Farkettes, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestants on The Price is FARK! The gameshow where there are no cash prizes and your only reward is escaping from this hellhole with your sanity in tact! Let's take a look at this month's big losers! Randomly Jim looks surprisingly feminine as he watches the game of cliffhanger in dismay. He lost by estimating the new changes to CN would take more than 30 weeks to scare away the remaning nations. The penalty? Council service. Plinko is a long-time favorite of Beachrat, who crapped out by hitting the secret score. From the Punch-A-Bunch board, we see lostindenver's hopes built up and dashed by that weasel, Drew Carey. Drew will NEVER be as good as Bob Barker. EVER. Also, Lid is apparently an old asian woman. P3 Shows off the Admin Prize of The Day bonus she won by spinning exactly $1.00. Hopefully it will make the days go faster for her! Over-bidding is the worst thing you can do in The Price is FARK. one_eighty_two earned a spot as Speaker of the Council by failing on the easiest showcase showdown we've had in years. Don't forget to stop by the Farkistan forums at www.farkistan.org to participate in the online version of The Price is FARK. (no seriously, hobo has been working on some Price Is Right themed forum games) That's all the time we have for this month. Please remember to help control the troll population: have your OWF troll spayed or neutered (again). tl;dr New TotalFark Council: one_eighty_two (SoTC) P3 lostindenver (LiD) beachrat Randomly Jim

The goal of this letter is to bring about the demise of New Sith Order's capricious taradiddles just as Charter 77 brought about the demise of communism in Czechoslovakia. Permit me this forum to rant. New Sith Order should take a step back and look at everything from a different perspective. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that New Sith Order's manifestos have an unsavory historical track record. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why New Sith Order has made it known that it fully intends to project a stream of tyrannical images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a mock-Olympian firmament. If those words don't scare you, nothing will. If they are not a clear warning, I don't know what could be. New Sith Order can't throw away its integrity and expect the world to respect it for it. You may have detected a hint of sarcasm in the way I phrased that last statement, but I assure you that I am not exaggerating the situation. I've known a number of honorable people who have laid down their lives to call a spade a spade. Without exception, these people understood deeply that if New Sith Order doesn't realize that it's generally considered bad style to silence any criticism of the brainwashing and double standards that it has increasingly been practicing, then it should read one of the many self-help books on the subject. I recommend it buy one with big print and lots of pictures. Maybe then New Sith Order will grasp the concept that its pals have been waxing stridently about Stalinism, New Sith Order's obiter dicta, and why New Sith Order should wreck our country, derail our civilization, and threaten the human race with extinction. Meanwhile, I, speaking as someone who is not a snarky scatterbrain, have been uplifting individuals and communities on a global scale to work together towards a shared vision. What do I hope to achieve by doing such a thing? I hope to achieve widespread recognition that after hearing about New Sith Order's pharisaical attempts to make conditions far worse than could ever have been the case without its vengeful efforts, I was saddened. I was saddened that it has lowered itself to this level. New Sith Order's plan is to meddle in everyone else's affairs. New Sith Order's expositors are moving at a frightening pace toward the total implementation of that agenda, which includes manipulating the public like a puppet dangling from strings. To those unconscionable, acrimonious pronks who think that New Sith Order holds a universal license that allows it to raise extortionate demands, know this: It can't possibly believe that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. It's poxy but it's not that poxy. Although I can find only circumstantial evidence of misconduct and rule violations, New Sith Order does not appeal to most people as being the most endearing or public-minded of organizations. Maybe its image would improve somewhat if it stopped trying to encourage people to leave their spouses, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become spleenful lotharios. Couldn't you figure that out for yourself, New Sith Order? If we let New Sith Order take a condescending cheap shot at a person whom most cheeky luftmenschen will never be in a position to condescend to, who's going to protect us? The government? Our parents? Superman? Probably none of the above. That's why it's important to highlight all of the problems with New Sith Order's infernal commentaries. I have seen what New Sith Order is capable of, and I am afraid. I am very afraid and I am very angry. New Sith Order's propaganda machine once said that New Sith Order would never inure us to lousy, ill-bred Leninism. So much for credibility! Of perhaps even more concern is that New Sith Order's biggest lie is that people prefer "cultural integrity" and "multicultural sensitivity" to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life. Sure, it might be able to peddle that boatload of parisology to the hayseeds, but I don't know if it is consciously and purposely evil or merely laughable. I do know, however, that the claim that the key to living a long and happy life is to take the robes of political power off the shoulders of the few honest people who wear them and put them upon the shoulders of dimwitted crooks is illusory. A person could write a whole book on that topic alone. In order to be as brief as possible, though, I'll state simply that it seems clear that the people New Sith Order attacks deserve compassion, not insults, put-downs, or stereotypes. But we ought to look at the matter in a broader framework before we draw final conclusions on the subject: We see that there are three fairly obvious problems with New Sith Order's reports, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to turn random, senseless violence into meaningful action. First, the vastly inflated humanitarian forecasts of New Sith Order's paroxysms are unrecognizable when compared to their inevitable outcome. Second, New Sith Order's grievances are attributable to an ignorance born of fear. And third, New Sith Order plans to prevent me from sleeping soundly at night when you least expect it. I'd like to see it try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that the baneful nature of New Sith Order's inveracities is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. I beg of you: Use your head for something more meaningful than being a delivery system for New Sith Order's vindictive viewpoints. Use it for thinking about how some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, New Sith Order has a near-legendary lack of common sense, decency, and manners. I trust that I have not shocked any of you by writing that. However, I do realize that some of my readers may feel that much of what I have penned about New Sith Order in this letter is heartless and in violation of our Christian duty to love everyone. If so, I can say only that it's amazing to me that New Sith Order's apologists actually suspect that New Sith Order has achieved sainthood. Not only must such people be mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration, but New Sith Order cannot be tamed by "tolerance" and "accommodation" but is actually spurred on by such gestures. It sees such gestures as a sign of weakness on our part and is thereby encouraged to continue promoting a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. It has been proven time and time again that New Sith Order's orations are a house of mirrors. How are we to find the opening that leads to freedom? Personally, I don't believe the answer has anything to do with yahooism. Rather, I believe it involves New Sith Order's tendency to talk about you and me in terms that are not fit to be repeated. New Sith Order sometimes has trouble convincing people that the world can be happy only when its coalition is given full rein. When it has such trouble, it usually trots out a few puerile guttersnipes to constate authoritatively that New Sith Order's expostulations are intelligent, commonsensical, and entirely consonant with the views of ordinary people. Whether or not that trick of its works, it's still the case that New Sith Order's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, its core principle has remained the same: to infantilize and corrupt the public. If you don't believe me then note that we must transcend traditional thinking. This call to action begins with you. You must be the first to lead it to resipiscence. You must be the one to show pluck and optimism when presented with threats and terror. And you must inform your fellow man that the world would be a much better place to live if New Sith Order just stopped trying to create division in the name of diversity. Why do I tell you this? Because these days, no one else has the guts to. If we contradict New Sith Order, we are labelled covinous ninnyhammers. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. New Sith Order, already oppressive with its stultiloquent communiqués, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species—if separate species we be—for its reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought then consider that New Sith Order has written volumes about how might makes right. Don't believe a word of it, though. The truth is that the biggest supporters of its heinous manuscripts are hypersensitive loonies and recalcitrant peddlers of snake-oil remedies. A secondary class of ardent supporters consists of ladies of elastic virtue and cosmopolitan tendencies to whom such things afford a decent excuse for displaying their fascinations at their open windows. I've heard New Sith Order say that everything is happy and fine and good. Was that just a slip of the lip, or is New Sith Order secretly trying to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items? The answer is too well-known to bear repeating, but I should comment that New Sith Order's ruderies are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, New Sith Order seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For it and its idolators, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside the norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What's next? Endowing antipluralism with a false legitimacy? I can say only that if New Sith Order gets its way, none of us will be able to provide an atmosphere of mutual respect, free from obscurantism, masochism, and all other forms of prejudice and intolerance. Therefore, we must not let New Sith Order sound the standard "they're out to get us" call and rally its vassals to evade responsibility. Because we continue to share a common, albeit abused, atmospheric envelope, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, don't need to tell you that New Sith Order is a social liability. That should be self-evident. What is less evident is that New Sith Order uses highfalutin terms like "proconstitutionalism" and "macracanthrorhynchiasis" to conceal its plans to create an intimidating, hostile, and demeaning environment. In this scheme of its, a mass of grandiloquent words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outlines and covering up all the details. We become unable to see that my cause is to banish divisiveness. I call upon men and women from all walks of life to support my cause with their life-affirming eloquence and indomitable spirit of human decency and moral righteousness. Only then will the whole world realize that the worst kinds of eccentric saboteurs there are are intrigued and puzzled by New Sith Order's amalgam of foolish interventionism and presumptuous Machiavellianism—a tangled web of KKK, Freudian, encounter-therapy, populist, Ayn Rand-like, and Marxist notions. Still, I recommend you check out some of New Sith Order's prophecies and draw your own conclusions on the matter. Even though New Sith Order presents a public face that avoids overt nihilism, the main dissensus between me and New Sith Order is that I warrant that New Sith Order's capilotades are clear testimony to the fact that New Sith Order's deeds are complete and total offal. It, on the other hand, contends that without its superior guidance, we will go nowhere. My sources tell me that New Sith Order intends to encourage uninformed windbags to see themselves as victims and, therefore, live by alibis rather than by honest effort in the immediate years ahead. Not on my watch! I am therefore calling upon all good citizens to place blame where it belongs—in the hands of New Sith Order and its destructive companions. One of New Sith Order's most loyal acolytes is known to have remarked, "Profits come before people." And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that New Sith Order is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every crass ideology finds expression in New Sith Order. I'd peg the odds at about six to one that New Sith Order will provoke terrible, total, universal, and merciless destruction sometime soon. If I'm wrong, I promise that I'll gladly jump in the lake. For your edification, I should definitely point out that on several occasions I have heard New Sith Order state that it knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that one of New Sith Order's favorite dirty tricks is to forge letters from its critics. These forgeries are laced with scandalous "revelations" about everyone New Sith Order hates. Such trickery deflects attention from the fact that New Sith Order denies that it has been combining the most sordid avarice with the most invincible hatred of the very people who tolerate and enrich it. Its denials clearly contradict reports from eyewitnesses who saw it interfering with the most important principles of democracy. I'd like to see New Sith Order spin its way out of that one. So, sorry for being so long-winded in this letter, but I must obviously reach out even to my most ostrich-like readers and show them how New Sith Order's buddies pamper disloyal pettifoggers, as though it were a disgrace to provide you with vital information that New Sith Order has gone to great lengths to prevent you from discovering.

As you will soon discover, this letter does not fixate on a single topic or subject. To be perfectly frank and honest, it started out rather focused but I soon found, as I worked on my primary hypothesis and sought corroboration from other sources, that I have quite a number of different things to say about Miss Lelula Clown Sweater. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I have to say. On a television program last night I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "It's incumbent upon us all, as thinking machines and social beings, to think very hard about how Lelula's squibs do not come without a price." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual. Scary ultraism is a disgrace to humanity but it cannot be eliminated by moral lectures or by pious intentions. No, it can be eradicated only if we encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. She wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet Lelula is also a big proponent of a particularly obstreperous form of voyeurism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that a true enemy is better than a false friend. What I mean is that Lelula's small-minded attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Lelula, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that being forced to listen to her yap on and on about ultracrepidarianism is about as desirable as being flayed alive and rolled in salt. But you knew that already. So let me add that it is immature and stupid of her to weaken our mental and moral fiber. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to offer manumission to those who are held captive by her inattentive, petulant ruderies, and that's why I say that her most progressive idea is to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to kick butt and take names. If that sounds progressive to you, you must be facing the wrong way. There's a lot of daylight between Lelula's views and mine. She believes that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point while I maintain that animalism has served as the justification for the butchering, torture, and enslavement of more people than any other "ism". That's why it's Lelula's favorite; it makes it easy for her to paralyze needed efforts to recall the ideals of compassion, nonviolence, community, and cooperation. I have long been under the impression that if Lelula can't stand the heat, she should get out of the kitchen. She uses big words like "pharmacodynamic" to make herself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Lelula's criticisms may reek like a skunk, I am so mad at Lelula right now, I could spit nails, so to speak. Finally, it is not at all unlikely that in this letter I have said some things to which many of my readers may take exception. It has not been any part of my purpose either to please or to displease anybody but simply to tell the truth and to say, so far as I have given expression to my views, precisely what I think. And what I think is this: Miss Lelula Clown Sweater works from the false assumption that most people actually want diabolic, stingy callow-types to gain a respectable foothold for her fork-tongued smears.

YOLO

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that TotalFark Council's use of ignominious cheeky-types is pathetic. Let me start by stressing that I am not attempting to suppress anyone's opinions, nor do I intend to demean TotalFark Council personally for its beliefs or worldviews. But I do claim that I must resolve a number of lingering problems. TotalFark Council, snooty fefnicutes, and a few decent but occasionally homophobic people are engaged in a desperate struggle for the soul of society. The sooner it comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of us. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that TotalFark Council may empty the meaning of such concepts as "self," "justice," "freedom," and other profundities right after it reads this letter. Let it. Some day, I will open students' eyes, minds, hearts, and souls to the world around them. If we don't exercise all of our basic rights to the maximum, then TotalFark Council will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain it. No united global opinion will be able to isolate it. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict it. Having already explained that TotalFark Council's methods of interpretation are so amoral as to beggar belief, let me now state that it's easy for us to shake our heads at TotalFark Council's foolishness and cowardice. It's easy for us to exclaim that we should detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart TotalFark Council's flighty schemes. It's easy for us to say, "It is our duty to our children and to their children and to our yet unborn posterity to show you, as dispassionately as possible, what kind of impudent, atrabilious thoughts TotalFark Council is thinking about these days." The point is that it's easy for us to say these things because what really irks me is that TotalFark Council has presented us with a Hobson's choice. Either we let it create an untrue and injurious impression of an entire people or it'll provide financial support to backwards banana republics and their uneducated dictators. A small child really couldn't understand that TotalFark Council and its confidants behave like a colony of culicidae decrying the occasional angry slap by those that have been stung by TotalFark Council's unbalanced stratagems. But any adult can easily grasp that if I hear TotalFark Council's pals say, "Featherbrained wiseacres make the best scoutmasters and schoolteachers" one more time, I'm indeed going to throw up. TotalFark Council seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren't hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that its prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse. TotalFark Council's grotty adages replace discourse and open dialogue with sex-crazed beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) and blatant ugliness. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to appeal not to the contented and satisfied but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. At the very least, back when our policemen were guardians, not enforcers, they would have protected us from TotalFark Council's club. Today, it seems that most officers of the law are content to sit back and let TotalFark Council turn us into easy prey for the most balmy misosophists you'll ever see. That's why we must strip the unjust power from those who seek power over others and over nature. TotalFark Council has it all wrong; it has a strategy. Its strategy is to form the association in the public's mind between any deeds it disagrees with and the ideas of hate and violence and illegality. Wherever you encounter that strategy, you are dealing with TotalFark Council. TotalFark Council is interpersonally exploitative. That is, it takes advantage of others to achieve its own anti-democratic ends. Why does it do that? The most appealing theory has to do with the way that its pudibund lieutenants like to shout, "Let's impact public policy for years to come. That'll be wonderful. Hooray, hooray!" But that won't be wonderful. Rather, it'll promote a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. Although TotalFark Council has tremendous popular appeal I recently heard it tell a bunch of people that we can stop racism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for ruffianism-oriented mobocrats. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. I find that I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that some people don't realize that you don't need a preschool diploma to understand that I take seriously the view that I can't help it if TotalFark Council can't take a joke. More emphatically, it's definitely a tragedy that its goal in life is apparently to repeat the mistakes of the past. Here, I use the word "tragedy" as the philosopher Whitehead used it. Whitehead stated that "the essence of dramatic tragedy is not unhappiness. It resides in the solemnity of the remorseless working of things," which I interpret as saying that I'm not in the habit of giving advice to TotalFark Council's malevolent, hectoring secret police. However, there's always a first time: You guys should stop palliating and excusing the atrocities of TotalFark Council's chargés d'affaires. I admit I don't have much confidence that they'll follow that advice, but it's important to make it known that if we don't soon tell TotalFark Council to stop what it's doing, it will proceed with its spineless malisons, considerably emboldened by our lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given TotalFark Council our permission to do so. Let's be frank: TotalFark Council's views no more represent the convictions of those of us here than Louis XVI's represented the sentiments of the French people, and everyone with half a brain understands that. That's just one side of the coin. The other side is that TotalFark Council says that the government (and perhaps it itself) should have sweeping powers to arrest and hold people indefinitely on flimsy grounds. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery! TotalFark Council is thoroughly unsophisticated, as it has proved to my complete satisfaction. TotalFark Council's objective is clear: to discredit legitimate voices in the gangsterism debate quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "anthropomorphologically". If you want to clear up these muddied waters with some reality, then tell everyone you know the truth, that TotalFark Council's behavior might be different if it were told that this is nothing new. Of course, as far as TotalFark Council is concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that it has not yet been successful at condoning illegal activities. Still, give it some time, and I'm sure it'll figure out how to do something at least that feebleminded, probably more so. In any event, immature, caustic yutzes are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that there is only one way to stop TotalFark Council from enacting new laws forcing anyone who's not one of its proxies to live in an environment that can be described, at best, as contemptuously tolerant. We must make out of fools, wise people; out of fanatics, men of sense; out of idlers, workers; out of the most loopy skybalds you'll ever see, people who are willing to oppugn TotalFark Council's headstrong catch-phrases. Then together we can set the record straight. Together we can show the world that most of you reading this letter have your hearts in the right place. Now follow your hearts with actions. TotalFark Council used to be a major proponent of Fabianism. Nowadays, it's putting all of its support behind obscurantism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. If TotalFark Council can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that children should belong to the state, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Blowsy Rhetoric. In the meantime, there is one crucial fact that we must not overlook if we are to perceive our current situation as it is, rather than in the anamorphosis of some "ideology" such as philistinism or Machiavellianism. Specifically, TotalFark Council has a vested interest in maintaining the myths that keep its terrorist organization loyal to it. Its principal myth is that the Earth is flat. The truth is that TotalFark Council is secretly saying that I should just take the coward's path and do nothing to stop it from perpetrating acts of the most sick-minded character. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: TotalFark Council tries to assert its autonomy by attempting to lock people up for reading the "wrong" classes of books or listening to the "wrong" kinds of music. TotalFark Council's rhetorical performances could profitably be deconstructed in a Dishonest Use of Language class, but that's a story for another time. For now, I want to focus on the way that it would be great if all of us could tend to the casualties of its war on sanity. In the end, however, money talks and you-know-what walks. Perhaps that truism also explains why TotalFark Council seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For it and its understrappers, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside the norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What's next? Fracturing family unity? I can say only that TotalFark Council is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead. That's our situation today, in very rough outline. Of course, I've left out a thousand details and refinements and qualifications. I've not mentioned that it is past time for us to fight on the battleground of ideas for our inalienable individual rights. And I've ignored commercialism altogether. I've simply pointed out one key fact: TotalFark Council distracts itself with chaotic relationships and shiny material possessions so it can avoid thinking about how only by striving to call for proper disciplinary action against it and its forces can I foster mutual understanding.

You're more right there than you think! Our [url=http://www.farkistan.org/index.php?board=6755.0]homebrew board[/url] just got started today.

An Official Farkistani Erection Announcement sing-a-long music! ♪ Da-Doo ♪ I was walking in the whole-sale beer district one day... ♪ Shoe-Da-Doo ♪ And I passed by this place with this old Bavarian man ♪ Nein! Da-Doo ♪ He sometimes sells me wierd and exotic brews ♪ Glug-Da-Doo ♪ And because he knows, you see, well that drinking beer is my hobby ♪ Drinkety-Doo ♪ He didn't have anything unusual that day ♪ Nope-Da-Doo ♪ So I was just, just gonna walk on by ♪ Sucks-For-Yooou ♪ When suddenly, and with our warning, there was this ♪ TOTAL-ECLIPSE-OF-THE-SUN! ♪ It got very dark, and there was a strange chugging sound like something from another world! ♪ Da-Doo ♪ When the light came back, every single beer was empty ♪ Oops-E-Doo ♪ Then I saw them, passed out on the floor ♪ Total-Farks ♪ The speaker, one_eighty_two l2eaper beachrat Rampage3 and Kahiel had drank them all. ♪ Shaalalalala-Ooooooo ♪ Bastards didn't even pay! tl;dr New Council: one_eighty_two, Speaker of the Council l2eaper beachrat Rampage3 Kahiel

Thank you fail for the wonderful bounty you have given us!

Is this not already the case?

What is going on here?

hali o/

[center] [b][size=6]An [s]Official Announcement[/s] Silly Thing from Farkistan[/size][/b][size=4]'s Dept of IA[/size] [img]http://i.imgur.com/nmt8hZg.jpg[/img] Although I would very much like to pronounce an enlightened and just judgment upon this war, there are several obstacles that make it difficult to operate on today's real"not tomorrow's ideal"political terrain. I will briefly adumbrate these obstacles and then refer to them occasionally throughout the body of this letter. Before I launch into my main topic, I want to make a few matters crystal-clear: (1) This war goes ga-ga for any type of expansionism you can think of, and (2) as a result of that, a day of reckoning is coming, and this war will be called to account. Now that you know where I stand on those issues, I can safely say that when uttered by this war, the word "global", as in "global spread of racialism", implies, "It's not our fault". In reality, we'd certainly have a lot less racialism if it would just stop selling us fibs and fear mixed with a generous dollop of faddism. Many people are shocked when I tell them that I have no idea why this war wannabees have sprouted across the country like mushrooms after a downpour. And I'm shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I had thought everybody already knew that this war claims to be fighting for equality. What it's really fighting for, however, is equality in degradation, by which I mean that this war likes to talk about how truth is merely a social construct. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that this war is secretly saying that it intends to pursue a twofold credo of ultracrepidarianism and colonialism. Relative to just a few years ago, fractious nincompoops are nearly ten times as likely to believe that "the norm" shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel. This is neither a coincidence nor simply a sign of the times. Rather, it reflects a sophisticated, psychological warfare program designed by this war to support those for whom hatred has become a way of life. Contrary to what this war would have you believe, it sees itself as a postmodern equivalent of Marx's proletariat, revolutionizing the world by wresting it from its oppressors (viz., those who transcend traditional thinking). Although the historical battle between good and evil is exemplified in the philosophical division between Platonic order and Aristotelian chaos, this war has allowed itself to become a spokesman for the same point of view shared by ill-natured lunatics, insensate mumpsimuses, and spiteful knaves while masquerading as an outspoken radical bucking the system. I unmistakably doubt we could beat this into this war's head, but this war is out to feature simplistic answers to complex problems. And when we play its game, we become accomplices. My dream is for tired eyes to open and see clearly, broken spirits to find new energy, and weary arms to find the strength to review the basic issues at the root of the debate. I would like to close by saying that this war gives new meaning to the word "balmy". I clearly hope Umbrella gives this letter five minutes of its precious cappuccino-sipping, cancer-stick-puffing time. Let's start with my claim that Umbrella's unctuous magic-bullet explanations are a conspicuous landmark in the realm of incendiarism. I'll say that again because I want it to sink in: I recommend that we improve the lot of humankind. Umbrella may have modernized the appeal and packaging of its proposals, but horny proposals are horny proposals regardless of how they're presented. I challenge all of the empty-headed blatherskites out there to consider this: In a rather infamous speech, Umbrella exclaimed that our country's security, prestige, and financial interests are best served by war and the ever-present threat of war. (I edited out the rest of what it said because, well, it didn't really say anything.) Doesn't it strike you as odd that Umbrella stands to profit from focusing too much on one side of the equation and not enough on the broader perspective of things? As this letter draws to a close, I want to challenge you, the reader, to educate the public on a range of issues. That's what I intend to do until my last breath. For the sake of review, Mr. Capraphile generally tries to keep his distance from the worthless, balmy spielers who rifle, pillage, plunder, and loot. However, he sees nothing wrong with selling us fibs and fear mixed with a generous dollop of negativism. Ah the sweet, sweet smell of hypocrisy. Everything I've said so far is by way of introduction to the key point I want to make in this letter. My key point is that he frequently accuses his enemies of laying down diktats that force me to abandon all hope. This is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the scornful to the ethically bankrupt and even unconscionable. In a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that I shall do my utmost to explain a few facets of this confusing world around us. I'm not saying that facetiously; as people who know me decidedly realize, I always mean what I say and say what I mean. They also realize that Mr. Capraphile has gotten away with so much for so long that he's lost all sense of caution, all sense of limits. If you think about it, only a man without any sense of limits could desire to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. In closing, we must work together to spread awareness of the apolaustic nature of Mr. Admin Capraphile's undertakings. Together, we can make a difference. Forever and always. Goats's lack of ethics has become so flagrant that it merits your complete attention. The issue here is that I like to speak of goats as "puerile". That's a reasonable term to use, I insist, but let's now try to understand it a little better. For starters, many of us are too naïve and trusting. It takes a lot of convincing to get us to see an organization as inherently simple-minded or inherently small-minded. Alas, goats is doing all it can to provide us with unmistakable proof that it is inherently both. For instance, goats alleges that its credos are Holy Writ. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Let me end this letter by telling goats that I fully intend to make technical preparations for the achievement of freedom and human independence. This action is lawful. This action is moral. And this action is right. First, the misinformation: Smontag suggests that he could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else. Where the heck did he come up with that? The key to answering such questions is to realize that for Smontag, all roads lead to solipsism. An understanding of the damage that may be caused by Smontag's boisterous, chthonic roorbacks isn't something I expect everyone to develop the first time they hear about it. That's why I write over and over again and from so many different angles about how griping about Smontag will not make him stop trying to repeat the mistakes of the past. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. By now, the reader has discerned that "tolerance" means tolerance of all, not only of a select few. So let me just add that just as night follows day, he will advertise "magical" diets and bogus weight-loss pills eventually. Smontag's "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude is gormless because it leaves no room for compromise. While Smontag manufactures crises over cronyism, his claque has been ripping apart causes that others feel strongly about. To say that we're supposed to shut up and smile when he says irritating things is sappy nonsense and untrue to boot. While I don't know Smontag's secret plans, I do know that there are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Smontag doing some subhuman thing every few weeks. Who is behind the decline of our civilization? The culprit responsible is not the Illuminati, not the Insiders, not the Humanists, not even the Communists. No, the decline of our civilization is attributable primarily to Smontag. In closing, it hardly need be said that the views expressed above are tentative and suggestive. You should now go off and perform a thorough study of your own. Of course, this will be an exercise in futility unless you accept the fundamental premise of this letter, namely that Mr. Smontag's grievances, which are constructions of dubious stability in their own right, are built on highly questionable foundations. The only thing worse than being ignorant is not knowing how ignorant you are. That's the ballet mafia's problem. I want to share this with you because I must admit that I've read only a small fraction of the ballet mafia's writings. (As a well-known aphorism states, it is not necessary to eat all of an apple to learn that it is rotten.) Nevertheless, I've read enough of the ballet mafia's writings to know that I would like to believe that the ballet mafia acts with our interests in mind. I really would. But the ballet mafia sure makes it difficult to believe such things. For instance, it has nothing but contempt for you, and you don't even know it. That's why I feel obligated to inform you that it is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to knock some sense into it. All in all, I realize that this letter has seemed incredibly bleak. However, expecting the worst from the ballet mafia means we will never be disappointed. If we're wrong and the ballet mafia does not try to cement the foundation of our currently metastasizing police state into the law of the land, we'll be relieved. If we're right and it does, we'll be prepared. In conclusion: [img]http://i.imgur.com/jGtApQR.jpg[/img][/center]

Engaging aquahogs.

Hali P/

Hali anarchists

Today while having the traditional New Years Day breakfast of a cheeseburger and beer in the Farkistan Halls of Oppression I was looking through the incoming mail that made it and found a bloodstained piece of parchment that all of Planet Bob should get to read. From the Walken of Farkistan and the rest of the Farkers we wish you a very happy holidays. [center] [img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v371/MrCynical/Fark-Santa-Beer.gif[/img] [i]'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house Mrs. Claus kept on biatching; she called me a louse. "God forbid," I proclaimed, "I enjoy a nice break, I just gave out toys to the whole world, for Fark's sake!" I stomped to the fridge for another few beers, And saw five elves all smug, with their ugly-ass ears. I kicked one in the groin and punched one in the face, And then sprayed the rest down with a big can of mace. "Ugh! You horrible freaks! Get the hell out of here Or I'll hack off your legs to make feed for reindeer!" So away out the window, they flew in a flash, The last little elf shot me the finger, that ass! I swigged booze from my bottle, and lit up a fresh smoke, then sat down in my chair, gave my beard a slow stroke. I looked out through the window, lamenting my station. "This is so much bullshiat; Santa needs a vacation!" I passed out in the chair, then awoke with a start, Ow, my head was a-pounding; my breath smelled like fart. "A vacation!" I said. "I just need a reprieve; If the weather is nice, I just might never leave!" "Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen! Move your fat reindeer asses, we're Amsterdam-bound! Where hot hookers, and weed, and good beer can be found!" "Farking suck it, North Pole!" I proclaimed with a grin, "And I hope you all choke! I won't be back again!" The sleigh took off with grace and with plenty of speed, And immediately crashed into a huge pine tree. While the star on the tree was a thousand years old It was now firmly lodged into places untold. The sleigh was Farking totaled; the reindeer are gone, And I think I ran over some elves on the lawn! Just when things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, I saw Mrs. Claus storming towards me with purpose. Uh oh! Quickly, I thought, then reached into my sack And pulled out a cold treat - a nice frosty six pack! Soon the sirens were sounding from right down the street, Mrs. Claus loudly swearing and stamping her feet. Popped the top on a beer and I then held my breath If I didn't time this right it would be certain death. I splashed cold malty bev'rage all over her face, Then I pointed and screamed, "What a Farking disgrace!" Yes! The timing was flawless; The cops had arrived. I yelled, "Officers, look! She was too drunk to drive!" Then they grabbed her and fought her and tased her and more It took five of those cops to bring down that fat whore. I said mirthful goodbyes as they took her away, Then went back to the elves I had hit with my sleigh. Then I searched the elf bodies right there in the grass And found sixty eight dollars and a boarding pass. On a small yellow Post-It, right next to the flight It read "To: Mrs. Claus, From: The elves from last night!" I jumped up to my feet and exclaimed "Here I come! It's 'bout time for some ganja and Jamaican rum!" As I boarded the plane - I called out to the night, "Happy New Year's, you coonts, Santa's doin' alright!"[/i] [/center]

[quote name='Rampage3' timestamp='1354739658' post='3060646'] Just have a look at Hobo's teeth for the answer to that question... /Hali...I think [/quote] Why do you think I drink my supper?

Because life on Bob has been sucking more than usual the last few [s]days[/s] [s]weeks[/s] [s]months[/s] years, it looks like worldwide activity is down. WAY down. Admin's increasingly desperate pleas to find new nations have mostly fallen on deaf ears. Even Fark has been having activity problems, as evidenced by the shameful lack of candidates in this month's council erection. We needed to do some recruiting and we needed to do it fast. We, however, are much more proactive than Admin in our approach to recruiting. Much like Admin's pleas are often ignored with a swift click of the "dismiss" button, our own ads were quickly flagged and removed. We've screenshotted them for posterity. [URL=http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/BleakOutlook/CLad1.jpg]Little Rock[/URL] [URL=http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/BleakOutlook/CLad2.jpg]Houston[/URL] [URL=http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/BleakOutlook/CLad3.jpg]New York[/URL] [URL=http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/BleakOutlook/CLad4.jpg]Philadelphia[/URL] [URL=http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/BleakOutlook/CLad5.jpg]Los Angeles[/URL] The responses we received were mostly [url=http://www.spampepper.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/spam5.jpg]spam[/url], [url=http://www.truckspills.com/beer_spill_1.jpg]obscene pictures[/url], and a lot of "[url=http://assets4.bigthink.com/system/idea_thumbnails/43540/original/Tyson.jpg?1333855920]are you serious[/url]" letters. Believe it or not, we managed to get some of these[url=http://www.farkistan.org/] haggard internet perverts[/url] to join [url=http://www.cn.ca/en/index.htm]CN[/url] and run in this month's erections! Anyway, the newcomers all lost to these people: Cable77 - Speaker of the Council [quote][b]Why Are You Interested in this Position?[/b] As you know, finding full time employment is very difficult right now. I have applied to over 200 positions within the last 2 years. [b]Can You Tell Us More about Your Experience?[/b] You have had two weeks to review my resume yet you still want to know about my experience. This is so typical of Human Resources. [b]Why Should We Hire You?[/b] If you don’t hire me, it would prove that your management is incompetent. [b]Describe Your Ideal Job?[/b] I’ll tell you what I don’t want to be doing - sitting in boring meetings, doing grunt work and having to be nice to people all day long. [b]What Are Your Weaknesses?[/b] I get angry easily and I went to jail for it but I won’t get mad at you. [b]What Motivates You?[/b] Salary is very important, my gambling debts are rising. [b]Why Did You Leave Your Previous Employment?[/b] My boss was stupid and would always argue with me about how to do my job. [b]Do You Have Any Questions about the Job?[/b] When you run background checks on candidates, do arrests come up? [/quote] CountryMouse [quote][b]Why Are You Interested in this Position?[/b] Boredom. [b]Can You Tell Us More about Your Experience?[/b] I've never been in a cult before, but hear that leadership is like being a god or something. I want to be a god. [b]Why Should We Hire You?[/b] Because I took down all the ads so you would have to. [b]Describe Your Ideal Job?[/b] Skulking around a computer in the dark reading wikipedia and miscellany. [b]What Are Your Weaknesses?[/b] I won't do what you want me to; just want I feel like. [b]What Motivates You?[/b] Boredom. [b]Why Did You Leave Your Previous Employment?[/b] They made me do things. Outside. With people. It was inhumane. [b]Do You Have Any Questions about the Job?[/b] Are there any new job postings? [/quote] 182 [quote] [b]Why Are You Interested in this Position?[/b] It's been my lifelong dream to become a [s]Wal Mart employee[/s] Farkistan .gov member! [b]Can You Tell Us More about Your Experience?[/b] No. [b]Why Should We Hire You?[/b] I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you. [b]Describe Your Ideal Job?[/b] Open bar, work 1:30-3:00pm Tuesday, Wednesday and alternating Thursdays. [b]What Are Your Weaknesses?[/b] It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. [b]What Motivates You?[/b] My only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. [b]Why Did You Leave Your Previous Employment?[/b] They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions. [b]Do You Have Any Questions about the Job?[/b] What if I woke up in the [s]morning[/s] afternoon and didn’t feel like coming to work? [/quote] Mr. Cynical [quote] [b]Why Are You Interested in this Position?[/b] It seems to me like a fun way to explore being a loser. [b]Can You Tell Us More about Your Experience?[/b] This one time, at band camp, I butt-chugged a liter of cola. [b]Why Should We Hire You?[/b] The only payment I require are boob gif's. [b]Describe Your Ideal Job?[/b] I would rule with an iron fist, wrapped in a velvet glove, wrapped in Barb Wire. Yes, Pamela Anderson. [b]What Are Your Weaknesses?[/b] I have a crippling fear of horses, spiders and heights. And also getting Admin's mom pregnant. [b]What Motivates You?[/b] I am told that I get to enact the right of Primae Noctis on new nations. [b]Why Did You Leave Your Previous Employment?[/b] There was a problem with a pot of coffee, a time machine, and a faulty prophylactic. [b]Do You Have Any Questions about the Job?[/b] Do I have to fill out any TPS reports? [/quote] Randomly Jim [quote] [b]Why Are You Interested in this Position?[/b] Its just a simple fact that after you get elected into high gov for a dying browser-based war game hiding behind a long broken, meta-political game that you get invited into this amazing sausage fest of a skype channel where you can hear the same 25 male asmatics make fun of each other in the hopes of winning the favor of the few women lonely enough to bury themselves in this social circle cum circle jerk. Naturally, after getting in, I will be named thier king and will finally be able to win over their queen. [b]Can You Tell Us More about Your Experience?[/b] I just ate a cheese sandwich and I've seen every Adam Sandler film. Obviously, I'm ready. [b]Why Should We Hire You?[/b] Who else is applying at this point? [b]Describe Your Ideal Job?[/b] Unemployed welfare recipient with government provided internet access. [b]What Are Your Weaknesses?[/b] I may or may not have a fetish for wearing women's undergarments that may or may not belong to my mother. [b]What Motivates You?[/b] Tears. [b]Why Did You Leave Your Previous Employment?[/b] Tears. [b]Do You Have Any Questions about the Job?[/b] When does it end? [/quote]

[quote name='Saniiro Matsudaira' timestamp='1354296840' post='3058594'] Everyone knows that each Fark GI is given the issue of one triple-layered bacon-weaved breastplate before battle. [/quote] mil.fark.gov is reconsidering this and other directives. Most importantly the rum ration for SDI crews will be reduced. During war time only of course. Edit: Again for all the negative nancies in this spidey thread this is for you: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/2vMpv.jpg[/IMG]