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salithus
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Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism

Planet Bob, we are four days old today and we have some important announcements.

First, our esteemed Member Emeritus, lamuella, has been hard at work communing with That Pig, as described in the following Holy Writ:

1 In the third day after the GOONS left the moon—on the very day—they came to the Desert of Sinai.

2 After they set out from Rephidim, they entered the Desert of Sinai, and GOONS camped there in the desert in front of the mountain.

3 Then lamuella went up to That Pig, and the LOWTAX called to him from the mountain and said, "This is what you are to say to the house of salithus and what you are to tell the people of GOONS:

4 'You yourselves have seen what I did to the moon, and how I carried you on orbiters' wings and brought you to myself.

5 Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole of Bob is mine,

6 you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.' These are the words you are to speak to the GOONS."

7 So lamuella went back and summoned the elders of the people and set before them all the words the LOWTAX had commanded him to speak.

8 The people all responded together, "We will do everything the LOWTAX has said." So lamuella brought their answer back to the LOWTAX.

9 The LOWTAX said to lamuella, "I am going to come to you in a dense cloud, so that the people will hear me speaking with you and will always put their trust in you." Then lamuella told the LOWTAX what the people had said.

10 And the LOWTAX said to lamuella, "Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow. Have them wash their clothes

11 and be ready by the third day, because on that day the LOWTAX will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people.

12 Put limits for the people around the mountain and tell them, 'Be careful that you do not go up the mountain or touch the foot of it. Whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death.

13 He shall surely be stoned or shot with arrows; not a hand is to be laid on him. Whether man or animal, he shall not be permitted to live.' Only when the ram's horn sounds a long blast may they go up to the mountain."

14 After lamuella had gone down the mountain to the people, he consecrated them, and they washed their clothes.

15 Then he said to the people, "Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations." He chuckled to himself.

16 On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lightning, with a thick cloud over the mountain, and a very loud trumpet blast. Everyone in the camp trembled.

17 Then lamuella led the people out of the camp to meet with That Pig, and they stood at the foot of the mountain.

18 Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the LOWTAX descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, the whole mountain trembled violently,

19 and the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder. Then lamuella spoke and the voice of That Pig answered him.

20 The LOWTAX descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called lamuella to the top of the mountain. So lamuella went up

21 and the LOWTAX said to him, "Go down and warn the people so they do not force their way through to see the LOWTAX and many of them perish.

22 Even the priests, who approach the LOWTAX, must consecrate themselves, or the LOWTAX will break out against them."

23 lamuella said to the LOWTAX, "The people cannot come up Mount Sinai, because you yourself warned us, 'Put limits around the mountain and set it apart as holy.' "

24 The LOWTAX replied, "Go down and bring CapnBiggles up with you. But the priests and the people must not force their way through to come up to the LOWTAX, or he will break out against them."

25 So lamuella went down to the people and told them.

26 And That Pig spoke all these words:

27 "I am the LOWTAX your That Pig, who brought you out of the moon, out of the land of slavery.

28 "You shall have no other That Pigs before me.

29 "You shall not make posts containing no content (ie, "first post," "hello, I'm new here," etc.) or use any catchphrases, memes, internet slang, or any other crap that makes you look like a 12-year old."

30 "The LOWTAX does not care if you are drunk or high; please do not inform anyone of it either. Do not register gimmick accounts and make posts as a gimmick, as they are not funny. Do not post crap asking us to vote for you on some website, give you referrals for free iPods / flatscreens / spare tires, or any other semi-spam things."

31 "You shall not $%&@ up the forums or any user on the forums. If you shall post a malicious link (any URL with spyware or code designed to annoy people) you will be banned. You shall not vote spam a thread with your friends because you don't like the person who posted it; this makes the voting feature useless. You shall not make plans to annoy / destroy other forums."

32 "You shall use the appropriate thread tag for your post. This helps people find your thread and makes the forums more user friendly. You shall not use the mod-only tags or you will be autobanned by the server."

33 "You shall keep all flamewars and other arguments in their appropriate forums."

34 "My priests are here to keep the forums safe, sane, and secure. If they ask you to do something, you shall do it. You shall not harass or intentionally annoy the mods or insult the front page writers. If you do not like the mods or the moderation, feel free to not post here."

35 "If somebody is harassing you on the forums then you shall discuss it with them over PM or email before contacting a mod about it. Flames and insults do not constitute harassment. You shall not post others' personal information (phone number, addresses, emails, etc.). You shall stay out of other peoples' personal lives as well. You shall keep in mind there's a good distinction between the Internet and real life."

36 "Only one person may use a forum account. Account sharing is a bannable offense, so you shall keep your password secure."

37 "You shall not try to cleverly circumvent some commandment listed here. These commandments are general guidelines and are very flexible."

38 "Offensive terms such as "[redacted]" or "[redacted]" may or may not be bannable based on context of the sentence. If they were meant as humor with absolutely no offensive slurs meant, the user may not be banned or probated. This rule is completely, 100% subjective and is based on the mod reading the post at the time. You shall use them at your own peril."

39 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance

40 and said to lamuella, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have That Pig speak to us or we will die."

41 lamuella said to the people, "Do not be afraid. That Pig has come to test you, so that the fear of That Pig will be with you to keep you from sinning."

42 The people remained at a distance, while lamuella approached the thick darkness where That Pig was.

Second, our numbers have grown well under That Pig's guidance, and today we have 33 members and 350k NS. Huzzah indeed.

goons_350k.png

Thirdly, in order to accomidate our rapid growth, we have modified our application proceedures and from here on out, our applicant AA will be "Stupid Newbie"

Thank you, and may the wisdom of That Pig be with you always.

-salithus, Pilot of GOONS

tl;dr:

1) We follow the same rules as GOONS everywhere [OOC: SomethingAwful.com's rules], especially the part about separating RL and Internet

2) 33 members, 350K NS

3) Applicant AA is "Stupid Newbie"

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Very classy. I don't care much for impostors. Go come up with something original.

also you're a fine gentleman

dude on Bob doesn't like what we're doin'. brb gotta hit the drawing board.

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You're not GOONS either.

Sad but necessary... no really, it is necessary. As much as I might have liked the GOONS, my contemporaries share no such affection for them. Surely, the true GOONS would not be allowed back.

Edit: furries are an unsavory bunch, though.

Edited by Tom Litler
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Sad but necessary... no really, it is necessary. As much as I might have liked the GOONS, my contemporaries share no such affection for them. Surely, the true GOONS would not be allowed back.

I dont think you get what GOONS are

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I dont think you get what GOONS are

Goons are daring and the GOONS of old reflected that.

Thus far, everything I have seen from this admittedly more colorful acronym than the last has been cautious and uncharacteristic of a goon's true nature.

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Goons are daring and the GOONS of old reflected that.

Thus far, everything I have seen from this admittedly more colorful acronym than the last has been cautious and uncharacteristic of a goon's true nature.

Oh, well obviously we've been called out on this one. Well guys, lets pack it up, shows over.

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Goons are daring and the GOONS of old reflected that.

Thus far, everything I have seen from this admittedly more colorful acronym than the last has been cautious and uncharacteristic of a goon's true nature.

We can't exactly advance our social agenda at 300K NS can we? Give it time. Recklessness at this point would lead to our demise. We didn't reform GOONS to lose it again.

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