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Uralica

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  1. Uralica
    Regular Season Wrap-Up
    Marko Mäkelä
    The largest and most exciting regular season of Uralican football has finally come to a close, with SiPS doing the expected and claiming their third consecutive Shield of Honour as they won the Bolakliiga by five points. The big difference this season is who their number-one rivals were, considering that Dinamo Kirov finished a surprisingly low fourth. Instead, it was the Komi-Menno Derby between SiPS and Telekom Pazhga that turned out to be the big story this season, as the 'Kom went from finishing a disappointing tenth last season to finishing second this season thanks to career years from several players, not the least of which was Diedrik Siemens, who finished only two back of SiPS wunderkind Hessu Öörni for the league's assist lead.
    Here's a look at the league-by-league story, though.
    The Bolakliiga
    Award Winners: Petteri Vahalahti, SiPS (Golden Ball/MVP, Sami Hyypiä Trophy/Best Defensive Player), Joni Rasimus, SiPS (Golden Shoe/Top Scorer - he had 43 goals this season), Trevor Renzenbrink, Telekom Pazhga (Golden Gloves/Best Goalkeeper), Diedrik Siemens, Telekom Pazhga (Fair Play Award/Most Sportsmanlike Player), Csaba Száláy, Amkar Perm' (Best Youth Player).
    Biggest surprises: Telekom Pazhga finishing second, FK Inta not getting relegated, FK Vorkuta finishing mid-table in spite of a horrendous start.
    Biggest disappointments: Amkar Perm' finishing below .500 after losing the aforementioned Száláy to injury mere days after acquiring him, Udmurtiya Izhevsk, Mashinostroitel Kirov, and Dinamo Vologda having sub-par years, Spartak Ukhta almost getting relegated only a year after finishing 10th.
    Relegated: FK Kotlas, FK Syktyvkar, FK Kirov.
    The Bolakliiga was indeed interesting this season. Several teams were bitten by the injury bug, most notably Metafraks Gubakha, who at one point had all but four of their starters in the stands. Mashinostroitel Kirov was another one of these, although even when at full health they had so much trouble scoring that star goalkeeper Yevgeny Kudymov left for Mordovia Saransk in the Ykkönen, where he ended up guiding the Clarets to a mind-blowing perfect record of 38-0-0. Expect a major shakeup there in the offseason.
    The three teams that were relegated were three of the four lowest-rated teams coming into the season, although the lowest-rated team at that point, FK Inta, managed to fight tooth and nail to stay out of relegation, although I don't think they'll be able to stave that off for another year, as much as they've improved. Both Mordovia Saransk and their runners-up, Ural Yekaterinburg, look like staying up after the 2011 season. As for the playoff winners, that remains to be seen. Last year's 1-nen playoff winners, CSKVC Kirov, actually finished in the last non-red zone position, 15 points clear of FK Kotlas. I have a feeling they'll be going down after next season, but who knows?
    I have to hand it to Milan Sorokin, though. He took a limited budget and a horrible team that was expected to finish the season in single-digit points, and pulled them out of the gutter enough that they finished ahead of even Spartak Ukhta, getting double-digit wins. Easily the manager of the year. Not that Spartak didn't help them out somewhat by absolutely sucking, of course. There's another team I'm expecting a shakeup from in the off-season, before the 3rd annual Kanslerinkilpi starts in late February. I expect no fewer than five managers to lose their jobs in the B-liiga alone.
    Ykkönen
    2010 was the year of the Old Guard. Two teams from the old Russian system finished 1-2, with Mordovia Saransk utterly obliterating all competition and leaving even Ural Yekaterinburg eating their dust. It's not like Ural didn't have a fight in the late stages for second place, either. I would heavily favour Öskölömen PK to win the Ykkönen playoffs - they got unlucky last year, running into a then-hot goalkeeper who spent most of this B-Liiga season injured. It's not like they'll rampage over the other three playoff teams - their archrivals Usovuoren JK, much-improved Spartak Yoshkar-Ola, and Old-Guarders Fortuna Nizhny Tagil - but I think they have enough of an edge in talent that betting on them would be pretty safe.
    The biggest disappointment this season has to be that Pechorski SK didn't make the playoffs after doing so last year - they finished seven clear of Fortuna with 73 points, and finished ahead of Turan Ukhta on goal differential. Not far behind them, though, was this season's biggest surprise, and most-improved team by far. Isoustiukin Pallokerho finished just one point ahead of being relegated last season, but they did a major 180 this season, finishing ninth - seven behind Pechorski and Turan, and 12 ahead of Spartak Kirov and FK Ukhta (who also improved a fair bit). Two teams that haven't seemed to improve at all, though, are FK Kudymkar and Lokomotiv Kotlas - the latter saw themselves relegated for the second season in a row. FK Berezniki will be joining them, as will Khimik Koryazhma, whose luck ran out this season. Had they allowed but five fewer goals this season, they would be forced to a playoff against Olimpia Kirovo-Chepetsk.
    Playoff rotation (starts Saturday, 4 December 2010):
    (2) Öskölömen Palloklubi vs. (5) Fortuna Nizhny Tagil
    (3) Usovuoren JK vs. (4) Spartak Yoshkar-Ola
    The Kakkonen
    Three entire tiers, comprising 26 divisions, debuted this season. The highest of these was the Kakkonen, which is split into two geographically-oriented divisions.
    The Kakkonen West started as a three-way battle between Severstal Cherepovets, Sever Murmansk, and Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola, but quickly went two-way once Csaba Száláy was shipped to Amkar during the summer transfer window. Severstal eventually won the lone auto-promotion spot.
    Playoff Rotation West:
    (2) Sever Murmansk vs. (5) Magyar LK
    (3) Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola vs. (4) Mennonites FC
    Goin' down down down down: Karjala JK, Sapmi FK to Kolmonen A, Arsenal Syktyvkar, SSP Syktyvkar to Kolmonen D.
    As for the Kakkonen East, the big story this season was the continuation of the feel-good story of this year's Kanslerinkilpi. Khalmer-Yu Town is based in a town with roughly five thousand inhabitants, and yet the level of football they play there makes you think the sleepy Northeast Uralican junction town is twenty times that size or more. They refused to sell during the transfer window, and it paid off as they dropped just six points all season (one loss and two draws). Who knows how far they'll go?
    The real battle this season, then, was for the four playoff spots, and let's be honest here, one can't help feeling horrible for Nenets FK, who were in playoff position until the very last match - injuries took their toll down the stretch and they ended up on the outside looking in.
    Playoff rotation:
    (2) Energiya Chaykovsky vs. (5) Progress Inta
    (3) Rossia Krasnokamsk vs. (4) Octane Perm'
    Goin' down down down down: FK Kungur, Pshenitsa Kudymkar to Kolmonen F, Traktor Berezniki, CSKVC Ukhta to Kolmonen H.
    The Kolmonen
    So they tried 24 teams per division this season in the Kolmonen and Nelonen, and it failed from the get-go because of awkward scheduling, so they immediately set about downsizing it, making promotion and relegation rather screwy in both divisions.
    To be honest, though, the upper ranks weren't affected. One team goes up regardless of how many come down. Instead of a playoff tournament, they have a three-round Kolmonen Championship tournament played with the roofs closed (retractable roofs are mandatory in Uralica) between the eight teams that won their respective zones.
    Kolmonen A - Karelia/Sapmi: Viipurin Palloseura
    Kolmonen B - Western Uralica: Rapid Konosha (hoo boy was this ever close between them and Sheksna Cherepovets! Classic stuff!)
    Kolmonen C - Southwestern Uralica: Sokol Sernur
    Kolmonen D - Kirov-Syktyvkar: Peltinischer Sport Verein
    Kolmonen E - Udmurtiya: FK Votka
    Kolmonen F - Permski Rayon: TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky (the only other team in Uralica that had a perfect season domestically)
    Kolmonen G - Southeast Uralica: Zenit Nevyansk
    Kolmonen H - Northeastern Uralica: Gazovik Urengoy
    Draw: A vs. F, H vs. C, D vs. G, E vs. B
    So that will keep the Kolmonen fans interested for another couple of weeks.
    Relegation varied depending on which zones got teams from relegation and which didn't. It is normally like this, but making things even more interesting was the whole downsizing.
    For a complete list of all relegated teams, check this site's Tables section.
    The Nelonen
    This season's bottom tier also dumped teams down, but in their case it was to help create a brand new division. The minimum relegation mandated for each was six teams, although some had more - a couple had as many as nine teams go down to help form the 32-division Vitonen, which debuts next March. In the same way, those zones that didn't receive many from relegation will have brand new teams debut next season.
    A clerical error at the season's beginning resulted in several teams that should've been in Sub-Zone D2 playing in Sub-Zone D1. Some of these were relegated, while others will play in the D2 next season. This shift actually meant extra relegation for the D1.
    The sixteen sub-zonal champions will play against each other for the Nelonen Championship, while there are playoffs in most sub-zones to determine sixteen more teams to be promoted.
    Nelonen Sub-Zone Champs
    Sub-Zone A1 (Karelia): Transit Vojatsu
    Sub-Zone A2 (Sapmi): Rapid Kuálõk
    Sub-Zone B1 (West Uralica): FK Vytegra
    Sub-Zone B2 (Northwestern Uralica): Neftekhimik Onega
    Sub-Zone C1 (Southern Uralica): Chŏvash Ulatŏr
    Sub-Zone C2 (Mari El): Volga Yulser-Ola
    Sub-Zone D1 (Kirovski Rayon): Transit Omuntninsk
    Sub-Zone D2 (Komi-Menno): Peltinischer FC
    Sub-Zone E1 (Udmurtiya North): Transit Votka
    Sub-Zone E2 (Udmurtiya South + Izhevsk): Neftçi Ägerce
    Sub-Zone F1 (Permski Rayon North): Tsementnik Berezniki
    Sub-Zone F2 (Permski Rayon South): Dinamo Osa
    Sub-Zone G1 (Southeast Uralica South/East): Zenit Yekaterinburg
    Sub-Zone G2 (Southeast Uralica North/West): Rapid Nizhny Tagil
    Sub-Zone H1 (Ural West Slope): Progress Vorkuta
    Sub-Zone H2 (Yamalia-Yugra): YugraMash Kogalym
    Draw: A1 vs. D2, H2 vs. F1, B1 vs. G1, C2 vs. E1, F2 vs. A2, E2 vs. H1, G2 vs. B2, C1 vs. D1.
    Playoff draws are available in the site's Fixture Section.
  2. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Salomäki: "I Made An Ass Of Myself"
    SYKTYVKAR - in a press conference today, Jarkko Salomäki publicly apologised for a snafu he made by appearing to take sides in the latest world conflict between the Sirius bloc and the AcTi alliance, as well as renaming the conflict article on the Robertian World News Network website, www.rwnn.org.bob, without an international consensus.
    "Yeah, I made an ass of myself," Jarkko said. "Vaido [Kuik] and Ovdey [shlomov] both gave me hell for it, I headdesked about half a dozen times, then I decided to apologise, say the criticism was fair dinkum, and move on."
    Vaido Kuik confirmed this statement.
    "I saw what he'd done and that [RWNN executive] Locke had changed it back, and I thought to myself, 'Jarkko, you clown!' So I got in my car and drove across Syktyvkar to his place, knocked on his door, and as I open it, there's Ovdey walking out. So I ask him what he was doing there, and he said he decided to set Dweebko (sic) straight on showing even the slightest support for either side in this ridiculous war, and that he must have headdesked at least four times. So in I go, and Jarkko asks me, 'lemme guess, you didn't like that I wrote something that could be construed as showing support?' and I'm like, 'No, I just got whined at by Locke about you changing the name of a war without consensus.' Which of course was exaggerating, but he knows I do that. So he groaned loudly and headdesked yet again, whining that it just wasn't his day. Now here he is, apologising for it, not really out of compulsion. I think he felt pretty bad about the whole thing."
    War Protest In Kirov
    KIROV - a peaceful rally against the current war, which organiser Jarmo Eerikäinen said was not necessarily against one side or the other, started last night, not long after Jarkko Salomäki publicly apologised for a few diplomatic faux pas he had made.
    The highlights of the rally included approved covers of three songs: Pelastus covered Fear Factory's "Hi-Tech Hate," Bane of the Machine (sans Salomäki, who was replaced by Jeff Laukkanen) and Mowdown teamed up to cover Genesis' ten-minute epic "Domino," and Digitoxicosis covered Front Line Assembly track "Millennium." Along with these, Pelastus cranked out their single "The HateKilla." Enemy's Enemy brought a Jewish angle to it with their single, "All Will Burn."
    Sports
    ZavU Stuns SiPS, CSKVC Puts One Nail In Three Coffins
    On a wacky day in the Bolakliiga, SiPS' 34-game unbeaten streak was shattered by a late Fedor Poustovoitov goal as Zavod Ural Solikamsk won 2-1. Ruslan Zakharchuk scored the other goal for the winners, while league goal-scoring leader Joni Rasimus scored the lone goal for the losers.
    "We wanted to win them all," said manager Teppo Kostamo, "but you know what? We realise we can't. We weren't playing our best, and they most certainly were. Don't blame it all on Jarkko [salomäki] being off doing political stuff. Our defence is deep enough that we should have been able to handle them, but our offence wasn't up to snuff other than Joni and Hessu [Öörni, the team's assist leader this season]. They won. We lost. Fair play. We'll have to regroup and do better next match. All there is to it."
    Their next match, on the 13th, is against MetaFraks Gubakha.
    There were several other "upsets" on the 6th. Most notable from a table point of view was 17th-place CSKVC Kirov's 2-1 win over 13th-place Metafraks Gubakha, which simultaneously doomed FK Syktyvkar, FK Kirov, and FK Kotlas to relegation. FK Inta stunned last year's 8th-place side, Spartak Ukhta, by the same, while FK Vorkuta surprised Transit Sosnogorsk 3-2 in a comedy of errors.
  3. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Snowfall Already?
    KOLOSJOKI - Yes, it's snowing already in the northernmost parts of Uralica.
    The year's first snowfall was recorded in Belushya Guba, on the South Island of Novaja Zemlja, near the beginning of the month, however it was overnight, and it turned to rain in the afternoon.
    But last night was a different story entirely. Several major centres in Uralica's northern areas got blanketed with an average of about two inches of snow. Although Uralican vehicles are equipped to handle all but the heaviest of snowfalls, fewer cars were on the road as people carpooled to church services and soccer matches.
    It was the first consistent snowfall recorded in any major centres - Murmansk, Kolosjoki, Naryan-Mar, Tazovsky, and Mezen' all recorded snow. Surprinsingly, the snow seemed to miss Arkhangel'sk and Severodvinsk. But according to some meteorologists in Uralica, that won't last long.
    "The weather forecasters are calling for snow in the Unified Port area as early as tomorrow afternoon," Jarkko Salomäki said in an interview, still decked out in shorts in spite of cooler weather in Izhevsk, where the low was 0C and the high 4C. "Apparently the Ob Bend is gonna get snow later in the week, too. Ah well, we can handle it. By the time November comes around, almost every Uralican city should have had at least frost."
    Uralikan Yliopisto Expanding Course Selection
    SYKTYVKAR - Dr. Ovdey Shlomov was grinning from ear to ear as he declared that, with the addition of several new sessional professors to the UY roster, the course selection the institute offers will grow starting in January 2011.
    "It shouldn't be surprising that most of these expansions are going to be in the Faculty of Humanities," Shlomov said in an interview after the press conference in question. "In particular, Turkic and Central Asian Studies, Asian Language Studies, and Uralic Studies are in for the largest expansions. International Studies is being overhauled as well, but that overhaul will not be complete until May in all likelihood."
    In other UY news, the university is seeking to expand its already large base of foreign affiliations, looking into exchange agreements from any willing university.
    Uralican News
    Fish Stocks In Upper Mezen' River Recovering
    USOVUORI - Five months after the completion of the cleanup of a chemical leak emanating from a nearby defunct chemical weapons depot (and the dismantling of the same), fluvial ecologists are now saying that implanted fish stocks are starting to take hold in the upper Mezen' River, which was heavily polluted by the leak.
    This is good news for fishing enthusiasts for the area, who were worried that the trout and whitefish stocks would be gone for good.
    Sports
    SiPS Surges, Telekom Looming
    SYKTYVKAR - So Telekom Pazhga finally made SiPS drop points. Time to wonder if SiPS is gonna let this slip away, right?
    WRONG.
    A Joni Rasimus hat trick propelled the two-time defending Bolakliiga champs to a 5-1 thrashing of slumping Udmurtiya Izhevsk. But one can't count the 'Kom out just yet. They easily dispatched an improved but still half-rate FK Inta 2-0. With Khavkuk Shlomov still injured after having his leg broken in an international friendly back in early August, Dinamo Kirov has been struggling to keep pace with SiPS, although they have maintained a respectable third place.
    In spite of the loss, FK Inta needs just two points in the last six matches to secure a place in the B-Liiga for next season. The likely drops appear to be the three "FKs Of Fail," as one foreign publisher dubbed them with a hint of malice - these are FK Kotlas, FK Kirov, and FK Syktyvkar, with FK Kirov being in last place with just 7 points this season. CSKVC Kirov can still drop down - they need no fewer than three victories to stay up.
    In the Ykkönen, it is looking like Mordovia Saransk and Ural Yekaterinburg are locks for the B-Liiga for next season, but behind them is appearing an epic battle for the four playoff spots. On the other end, Lokomotiv Kotlas is already guaranteed relegation (to the Kakkonen West).
    CSKA Kirov The Team To Watch This Season
    KIROV - With the UIHL season now just underway, all eyes seem to be on someone other than HK Syktyvkar for a change. Although HKS did win the Kurri Trophy for topping the Uralican hockey scene, they got quite the fight from CSKA Kirov, and now everyone is left wondering whether they will bounce back this season and win it all.
    "They have a good team, there's no question about that," said HKS star Matvey Kolpakov. "They have a real physical presence, and can play up-tempo hockey. Plus when you play them, you can't be afraid to goon things up a little, because that's what they do. But it's nothing bush league. Just they love a good fight once in a while is all. We've played against teams from other nations that balk at fighting, yet they use every cheap trick in the book then go and hide behind the refs. Not CSKA Kirov. Or any Uralican team for that matter."
  4. Uralica
    ...you talk about CN-speak in a major sociolinguistics paper and get full marks for that particular section.
    I got 44/50 on the paper in total, but 6/6 for this section.
    Now I obviously over-simplified some things, but this was a paper on my personal speech and what motivates it, not a paper strictly on CN. Anyway, I should be back to writing IC blogs come next Sunday.
  5. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Campers Head North To Beat The Heat
    KHALMER-YU - The mayor of Khalmer-Yu was mocked by foreign mayors for having his infrastructure built up to be able to support fourteen thousand people - roughly four times the town's population. But he stuck to it, and he's glad he ignored the naysayers, because there has been a rush northward in an effort to beat the heat in the southern half of the country - as a result, tourism in Khalmer-Yu has exploded.
    They are hardly alone in this regard. Cooler northern cities and towns such as Mezen', Shchelyayur, Salyakharad, Tazovsky, Lapyt-Nank, Naryan-Mar, and even Novyy Urengoy, have experienced a temporary population boom as a heat wave in parts of the country (most notably Saransk, where the temperature spiked at 36.2 degrees Celsius yesterday, well above seasonal norms).
    "People who have low heat tolerance tend to move north during these hot spells," said one Uralican meteorologist. "On top of that, where our tourists from out of country go depends on the same thing. Usually, almost the entire country is full of people who don't like the heat. But southern Uralica west of the Urals has been kinda hot this year."
    Fortunately, just because the area is hot doesn't always entail a drop in tourism. In fact, in the case of the three major Uralican cities along the Volga - that is, Tsykmä, Cheboksary, and Yulser-Ola - the effect has been the exact opposite, as water-bound revelers jump in to beat the heat.
    First Uralicans In Space: Blast-Off Scheduled For 19 August
    MIRNYY - With a municipal merger to take effect on 1 September 2010, Mirnyy has one last event to occur before it loses its separate status. On Thursday, 19 August 2010, the first rocket launched from the Plesetsk Cosmodrome since the First Great War will carry a satellite, named Vapaus I ("Freedom I") into orbit.
    Education
    Salomäki To Teach Undergrad Linguistics In 2010-11 Scholastic Year
    SYKTYVKAR - "If I have the degree, I might as well use it, eh?"
    This is the reasoning behind Tribal Chief Jarkko Salomäki's recent decision to sign on at Uralikan Yliopisto as a sessional instructor. Although his political commitments limit the time he can spend teaching, he still will be able to teach some smaller classes.
    Uralikan Yliopisto has, since its founding, been on the cutting edge of linguistics in both theory and application (and the interaction between the two), and there are almost a hundred twenty professors teaching linguistics across UY's various campuses, of which Salomäki is only the latest. Never satisfied with an honorary degree, he spent the summer largely working on fulfilling the normal requirements for a Masters' Degree, with his thesis being on the re-emergence of the use of various cases in Uralican Spoken Finnish.
    The President of UY, Dr. Ovdey Shlomov, said that Salomäki is qualified to teach any undergraduate course in linguistics, but that he has settled on six specific courses to teach during the school year:
    LING 150 - Introduction to The Linguistics Of The Languages of Siberia And The Ural-Volga Region
    LING 210B - Seminar In A Language Of The Americas (Kwakw'ala)
    LING 290 - Writing Systems Of The World
    LING 310 - Introductory Linguistics For Senior Students
    LING 377 - Minority Language Issues
    ALNG 420 - Literacy Development
    Semesters have not been chosen yet.
  6. Uralica

    OOC: O hai thur.

    By Uralica,

    Yes, I am still alive. I'm having my nation sat, though. PlanckBorn is da man.
    For anyone wondering where I am, I'm at Trinity Western University in Langley, British Columbia, studying linguistics.
    So no new IC blogs now until mid-August. Most I'll be investing into CN is streamlining my Wiki (I had 25 articles deleted today) because school has to take priority over CN drama. I may post a linguistics paper in my blog though.
    [wʌɾ ɪz θɪs aj downt ivən]
  8. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Plesetsk Cosmodrome Nearing Completion
    MIRNYY - According to Reijo Muurinen, the refit of Plesetsk Cosmodrome should be complete in around two weeks.
    "All the equipment we need is now in the area," said the Uralican leader of the international team of TOOL specialists working on the Cosmodrome to replace outdated and occasionally inoperable equipment. "We got our last shipment from Fish Master two days ago. The real trick now is to get the stuff installed, but we have a lot of people working on it. I'm really thankful that the Uralicans on this job are getting the chance to receive training from nationalities who already have full and successful space programs, like Fish Master, Irlande, and evilkokonut. We may even have enough training to start our own official space agency by later in the year, although at first the Cosmodrome will be under the jurisdiction of the Uralican Air Force. Actually, we are already working on plans for our first space-faring rocket, although its duty will only be to transport a satellite."
    In the meantime, there is talk of merging Mirnyy into Plesetsk, for much the same reasons as Lesnoy is set to merge into Nizhnyaya Tura at the beginning of July. This move would nearly triple the size of Plesetsk, and mean that Mirnyy wouldn't have to worry about drafting a separate charter even though it is plenty large enough to apply for city status.
    "The whole 'closed town' thing has become something of a stigma in Uralica," Muurinen said. "I think Uralicans see it as a relic of the secretive, paranoid elements of two imperialistic societies - the USSR and Old Russia - as much as said societies would balk at the suggestion. I think some parts of the Old United States have some of the same sentiment. Anyway, it's only natural that the two should be merged because of their proximity and mutual dependence on each other."
    Uralican News
    Living's Easy In Pre-Summer Uralica
    CHEBOKSARY - It would seem the Uralican economy has been on a slow rise over the last three weeks, after having plateaued two weeks after the end of the so-called "Second Unjust War."
    According to Dr. Esa Miettinen, the Dean of Business at Uralikan Yliopisto, this is normal.
    "The leadup to summer always sees a gradual pickup in the economy," he says. "In Uralica, a nation where there are so many grade-school teachers, you have them planning for 'year-end fun stuff.' You have parents of these kids planning for summer vacations. You have parents of other nations' kids planning for summer vacations in Uralica. The largest market increases during the summer are in tourism and souvenirs, food sales, sporting goods, and video games. Yes, I did say video games. UralTek's strongest quarter since its foundation has always been quarter two, that is, May-June-July. (An aside, I picked myself up a copy of Demonslayers yesterday. That game is so much fun!)"
    For evidence of the impact of tourism on Uralica during the summer, one need only head towards any city with a beach or with something else fun to partake in. Take Cheboksary for example. As I report, the regionally-famous Cheboksarsky Zaliv (when one says "The Zaliv" in Uralica, they mean this artificial bay) is pretty much swarming with both tourists and locals wanting to partake in a little summer revelry, even with the temperatures only around 16 degrees Celsius.
    Syktyvkar is usually buzzing this time of year as well, and this year is not disappointing. Uralic Cultural Centre ticket sales are up by 52% over last quarter.
    Religion
    Theophilos II: Uralica Is "Abundantly Blessed"
    YEKATERINBURG - Theophilos II arrived in Yekaterinburg yesterday afternoon after holding a night service at the Cathedral Of St. Elizabeth in Pervouralsk on Sunday night.
    Apparently the nation has left a good impression on the aging Patriarch of Constantinople, as he had nothing but good to say about it from his time there. He has decided to extend his stay an extra three days so he can partake in an ecumenical service at the Church of the Resurrection, where he held an Orthodox service on the night of 30 May.
    "This nation is abundantly blessed, both in the works of the Lord's creation, and in the enrichment of the Holy Spirit," he said in a recent interview. "I am very glad to have been able to finally come to Uralica, and I have been treated with nothing but the love of Christ since I set foot in it."
    He says his last act in the nation, to come on Monday, 14 June, will be a gift to Uralica, from all the patriarchs.
    Sports
    Condensed Upper Level Standings Update Before Transfer Window Opens
    For full standings visit www.ujpl.com.ur (OOC: Kolmonen and Nelonen standings will be available later in the week upon request.)
    (13 matches played, 33 remain)
    Bolakliiga
    1. Sikkivukarin Palloseura (SiPS) - 39 points
    2. Dinamo Kirov - 39 points
    3. Zavod Ural Solikamsk - 33 points
    4. Telekom Pazhga - 33 points
    5. Dinamo Arkhangel'sk - 30 points
    6. Trátyi TK - 25 points
    7. Kirovin JK - 25 points
    8. Udmurtiya Izhevsk - 24 points
    9. Amkar Perm' - 23 points
    10. Transit Sosnogorsk - 18 points
    11. Mashinostroitel Kirov - 17 points
    12. Spartak Ukhta - 17 points
    13. Dinamo Vologda - 15 points
    14. FK Vorkuta - 14 points
    15. Metafraks Gubakha - 8 points
    16. CSKVC Kirov - 6 points
    17. FK Kotlas - 6 points
    18. FK Kirov - 4 points
    19. FK Syktyvkar - 3 points
    20. FK Inta - 3 points
    Ykkönen
    1. Mordovia Saransk - 39 points
    2. Ural Yekaterinburg - 36 points
    3. Öskölömen PK - 34 points
    4. Fortuna Nizhny Tagil - 31 points
    5. Usovuoren JK - 26 points
    6. Turan Ukhta - 26 points
    7. Pechorski SK - 24 points
    8. FK Ukhta - 21 points
    9. Spartak Yoshkar-Ola - 20 points
    10. Spartak Kirov - 18 points
    11. Krylja Uralikov Glazov - 17 points
    12. Bumazhnik Solikamsk - 17 points
    13. Isoustiukin PK - 16 points
    14. CSKA Syktyvkar - 12 points
    15. Khimik Koryazhma - 11 points
    16. Mashinostroitel Aleksandrovsk - 10 points
    17. Olimpia Kirovo-Chepetsk - 8 points
    18. FK Kudymkar - 5 points
    19. FK Berezniki - 4 points
    20. Lokomotiv Kotlas - 0 points
    Kakkonen West
    1. Sever Murmansk - 39 points
    2. Severstal FK Cherepovets - 39 points
    3. Mennonites FC Pazhga - 37 points
    4. Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola - 33 points
    5. Kirssin Palloseura (KiPS) - 33 points
    6. Sysola Syktyvkar - 28 points
    7. Magyar LK Tráty - 27 points
    8. Mashinostroitel Severodvinsk - 22 points
    9. Mari FK Yoshkar-Ola - 22 points
    10. Liv JK Käkisalmi - 18 points
    11. Mordvin FK Krasnoslobodsk - 15 points
    12. Komi FC Syktyvkar - 14 points
    13. CSKVC Syktyvkar - 12 points
    14. Sapmi FK Montsa - 11 points
    15. Eesti JK Vaahruše - 10 points
    16. Karjalan JK Viipuri - 10 points
    17. Veliski FK - 7 points
    18. JK Trakt - 6 points
    19. Sikkivukarin Suomalaisen Palloklubi (SSP Syktyvkar) - 0 points
    20. Arsenal Syktyvkar - 0 points
    Kakkonen East
    1. Khalmer-Yu Town - 39 points
    2. Energiya Chaykovsky - 31 points
    3. Rossia Krasnokamsk - 30 points
    4. Nenets FK Naryan-Mar - 30 points
    5. Octane Perm' - 29 points
    6. CSKA Vorkuta - 27 points
    7. Progress Inta - 26 points
    8. Russki FK Yekaterinburg - 23 points
    9. Obyugra FK Surgut - 21 points
    10. FK Yekaterinburg - 21 points
    11. CSKA Ukhta - 18 points
    12. Udmurt FK Izhevsk - 17 points
    13. Burevestnik Izhevsk - 17 points
    14. FK Naryan-Mar - 14 points
    15. FK Sarapul - 13 points
    16. FK Kungur - 10 points
    17. Pshenitsa Kudymkar - 6 points
    18. FK Bolak Ukhta - 3 points
    19. CSKVC Ukhta - 3 points
    20. Traktor Berezniki - 0 points
    Battle Of Syktyvkar In Kurri Trophy Finals
    SYKTYVKAR - at least there won't be any need for a plane.
    As expected, one goal determined the fate of the Jokerit Syktyvkar-CSKA Kirov series, and it was after four overtimes that Jokerit defenceman Timo Lappinen belted a flipped puck past a stunned Dmitry Rosenov to win Game 7 4-3, in the longest game in Uralican hockey history.
    Tired and dejected, CSKA return to Kirov and begin planning for next season, although with the season they had this season, they have clearly emerged as a fourth major power in the Uralican game.
    "They took us to the limit," said Jokerit forward Marko Suominen. "They play a very physical game, and we were unable to use our speed to beat them, so we had to grit down and bite the bullet. The series could have gone any which way, really. We could have just as easily been swept."
    Truer words could not have been spoken. Of the seven games, only one - Game 3, which ended a 3-2 win for Jokerit - didn't go to overtime, and the only reason it didn't was a goal by Risto Tuominen with 8 seconds left. And CSKA almost tied it with a second left, with left winger Vladimir Torbeyev hitting the crossbar with his team's net empty.
    One thing is for certain, and Torbeyev made that very clear in the interview - "We'll be back next season for sure."
    The finals are set to start on Thursday, and HK Syktyvkar, led by the UIHL's three-time scoring champ Matvey Kolpakov, the so-called "Mari Gretzky," say they are looking forward to facing their arch-rivals once again.
    "Whenever you get HKS and Jokerit together in the same rink," says Kolpakov, "you are guaranteed a good series. Although we would have likely also had a good series had we gotten CSKA as opponents as well."
    Jokerit star Markus Hansen says the key to beating HKS is to shut down their top line.
    "Kolpakov and the Schaeffers [Kurtis and Dirk] are scary good if you give them even a centimetre," he said. "The trick to beating HKS is shutting them down offensively, but it's an incredibly hard trick to pull off. We will try, that's for sure."
  9. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Final Reports Issued Regarding Waste Cleanup
    USOVUORI - although the cleanup of a toxic spill just outside of Koslan, Northwest Uralica, was finished nearly a week ago, the final paperwork regarding said spill, the causes, and the measures taken to clean it up, was only handed in yesterday, and released to the public this morning.
    The spill, which was first detected in mid-April by some loggers in the area, cost Uralica two and a half million dollars and close to fifteen square kilometres of forest land to clean up. The official cause, which is accurate according to Janne Hirvonen, who was on-site in the investigation and cleanup process every day until its completion, was corrosion of the containers holding a chemical weapon compound in a derelict chemical weapons depot near the town of Koslan, which is mere minutes from the county seat of Usovuori.
    The area that was hardest hit was the central section of the Mezen' River, although trace amounts of the chemicals were detected as far away as Kamenka, the town opposite the city of Mezen' in its namesake river's delta. Efforts to repopulate the river's fish stocks are already underway.
    Patriarch Of Constantinople Visits Uralica
    PAZHGA - The spiritual leader of Eastern Orthodoxy, Patriarch Theophilos II of Constantinople, was greeted by a large crowd of Uralican Orthodox faithful as he arrived at Kaido Ojastu International Airport in Syktyvkar yesterday. The aging patriarch wanted to see Uralica first-hand, as he had apparently not done so before. Among the people on hand to greet him were Metropolitan Nikolay Kosov, composers Ruslan Kamyshin and Nikolay Shevchuk, and noteworthy Uralican footballers Bosko Levishin, Miron Smertin, and Artur Kuznetsov.
    The patriarch is reported to be staying for two weeks, and will participate in an Orthodox night service in the Church of the Resurrection in Pazhga tonight.
    Sports
    HK Syktyvkar Into Finals, CSKA And Jokerit Even Steven
    SYKTYVKAR - who didn't call this one?
    Usovuoren JKK could just as easily have run into a brick wall. HK Syktyvkar wrapped up a disturbingly brief series against the Finnish team from Usovuori with a 6-1 massacre in Usovuori last night, so the "Men In Black" return to Syktyvkar to await the winner of the currently-tied CSKA Kirov-HK Jokerit series. CSKA brought the series to two games apiece with a 4-3 overtime win in Syktyvkar last night, after losing the only regulation loss of the series (3-2) three days earlier.
    Pre-Transfer Window Thoughts
    This article was the weekly winner of a ujpl.com.ur contest for football writing.
    Football fans had best be watching their team's movements in the coming weeks. The transfer window opens on 10 June, and very few teams aren't at least somewhat involved. In fact, I believe SiPS went so far as to say they were completely happy with their team and weren't going to make a single move. Good on them - they don't really need to. Not with three of the best five players in Uralican football this season - Joni Rasimus, Raimo Suominen, and Hessu Öörni - on the squad. Heck no.
    There are several B-Liiga calibre, lower-level players that could be moving, though. Now Khalmer-Yu Town said that none of their players are for sale, and that they would not entertain any offers. So I guess that means Leonid Voloshenin, among others, isn't going anywhere fast.
    But what about Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola goalkeeper Csaba Szálay? Rumour has it that half the Bolakliiga is interested in acquiring his services.
    Centre mid Pentti Kotamäki, striker Dmitry Bumazhnikov, left back Foma Khrushchyov, and right mid Tamás Toth from YugraMash Kogalym are all up for sale, and with YugraMash being so far ahead of the competition in the Nelonen H1 that it's getting ridiculous, this should be a breath of fresh air for football fans on the east side of the Urals. It's already rumoured that Trátyi TK is interested in Toth, although I don't know why they would be with István Sándor having a good season as it is.
    Sever Murmansk may lose two of its best, but they won't come cheap by any means. Goalkeeper Ulrik Sandberg and left back Jonas Strömgren, both Saami, are on interest lists in both Bolakliiga and Ykkönen alike, and add to that the possibility of interest from Finnish striker Kari Härkönen in going elsewhere, and Sever might find itself in an interesting situation after the window. But with arch-rival Severstal Cherepovets being scouted, Sever most certainly aren't alone.
    18-year-old IPK/national team defender Martin Roos apparently wants out of Isoustiuki, as he feels the team's offence isn't good enough to be a contender in the Ykkönen. However, the only B-Liiga team that's showed interest thus far is FK Kirov. That said, with Milan Sorokin looking to gut FK Inta, one can never be 100% sure.
    There are also players within the Bolakliiga who might be changing teams, either to other B-liiga teams or lower-level teams. Make no mistake about it, FK Inta will be transfering players, most likely in the downward direction. Rumours out of Northeast Uralica have some players from the back end, most notably Moroz "The Giveaway King" Rybin, backup goalkeeper Aleksi Toivola, and right back Boris Kozlov going for next to nothing.
    A bit more surprising was Vyacheslav Kudymov handing in a transfer request, but that depends on whether or not you sympathise with him having to abide Mashinostroitel Kirov's lack of offence this season. Only Kirovin JK has scored fewer out of teams in the top half of the league. Speaking of whom, 'keeper Immo Kivilahti has said he's staying put.
    Another Bolakliiga player I'd see as a viable transfer option at this point is FK Vorkuta's Yoel Pankov. He says he's happy in Vorkuta, but I could see him going to a "better" club for the right price, mainly because I think his talent is wasted with a team that won't ever be much better than mid-table without some serious restructuring.
    Anyway, with eleven days to go until the window opens, I suspect there are already some talks going on, although a premature move will cost the offending team a nice chunk of kanat.
    Glazovski RMS Wins Inaugural Uralican Handball League Title
    GLAZOV - Well, after a long season of handball, and an exciting last five matches, Glazovski RMS has edged KPK Pettora and Yoshkarolsky RMS to win the inaugural UHBL title. It did so with a 15-10 win over KPK Uhta, finishing the season with 49 wins and 11 losses. KPK Pettora and Yoshkarolsky RMS both had 48 wins and 12 losses.
    Syktyvkarsky RMS won Division II on head-to-head results against Petroskoin KPK, as both teams finished the season with 52 wins and 8 losses. Petroskoin KPK and Julserolan KPK join the Division II champs in promotion, while HBV Patschke, RMS Fortuna, and Kudymkarsky Kruzhsky RMS are relegated to Division II.
    Wild Footy Week Sees FK Inta Finally Win A Match
    INTA - Milan Sorokin was grinning from ear to ear at the end of Saturday, as he declared that forward Maksi Vilppula and mid Bogdan Shishkov earned themselves a spot on the "no-transfer" list after the two combined for both goals and assists in FK Inta's 2-1 win over FK Syktyvkar.
    He also expressed great confidence in captain/starting 'keeper Vyacheslav Tikhonov, and in defenders Daniil Bykov and Lanssi Möttölä.
    "We are definitely showing signs of improvement," said the long-suffering Inta manager. "And finally, some of the players are starting to clue into the tactics I've been trying to use all season."
    In other news, Udmurtiya Izhevsk continues to spiral downward, losing to Trátyi TK, a team that they seem to have trouble beating (it was TráTK who made Udmurtiya exit this year's Kanslerinkilpi early), by a score of 3-2. There was only one other match of actual note, which saw Zavod Ural Solikamsk come back from 2-1 down to beat Dinamo Arkhangel'sk 3-2, with Fedor Poustovoitov scoring the winner in stoppage time.
    The Ykkönen had more than its share of turkey shoots, with some being one-sided (Mordovia Saransk 4-0 over FK Kudymkar, ÖPK 3-0 over Bumazhnik Solikamsk) and some not so one-sided (UJK 4-2 over Mashinostroitel Aleksandrovsk, FK Ukhta 3-2 over FK Berezniki). Lokomotiv Kotlas continues to lose without scoring, as they lost 2-0 against Spartak Kirov. Speaking of Spartaks, the one from Yoshkar-Ola seems to be recovering from their horrendous start to the season, now in the upper mid-table range after cracking .500 for the first time in club history, with a 2-1 win over CSKA Syktyvkar.
    (EDIT: Spell, I can not. )
  10. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Grand Monument Erected In Perm'
    PERM' - An obelisk with the names of the first five hundred members of the Uralicist Movement was finally erected early this morning in downtown Perm' after months of fashioning out of one of the last slabs of Uralican white marble. The names themselves are made of inlaid obsidian, and were very meticulously crafted by three dozen of Uralica's finest stone sculptors.
    Included amongst the names are many prominent Uralican Tribal Council members, such as Movement founders Vaido Kuik, Meri Vanhanen, Lasse Mäkelä and Yevgeny Kolpakov, Uralica's so-called "spiritual leader," Dr. Matti Koppinen, Mordvin high school teacher and activist Olga Guznishcheva and her Russian husband Matvey Guznishchev, renowned historian, educational expert, and self-proclaimed "post-Ethnofuturist" Dr. Ovdey Shlomov, Uralican Tribal Chief Jarkko Salomäki, Norwegian missionary/relief worker Kennet Kjetilssen, who is credited with single-handedly saving the Kildin and Skolt Sami from the intense persecution they suffered during Great War III (these nine are considered the "founding fathers and mothers" of Uralica) and also four other religious leaders - Dr. Gunter Toews, the original leader of the Uralican Mennonite Brotherhood, Rabbi Shlomo Davydov, Archbishop Tamás Fehérvari, who would later establish the Archdiocese of Uralica, and whose reforms make Uralica's Catholicism distinctly Uralican, and finally, Metropolitan Nikolay Kosov, whose plea to the Russian people to end the Uralic Purges was a rallying cry for all Russian Uralicists.
    "It's an absolutely gorgeous piece of art," said Jarkko Salomäki said upon seeing it. "The only beef I have with it is it's impossible to see Vaido[ Kuik]'s name because it's so high up on the thing! Ah well. They chose to do an obelisk, and it came out exactly as planned. And Perm' deserves it. This and Amkar Stadion are symbols of the city's new life."
    Izluchinsk Area Finally Cleaned Up And Fenced
    - It couldn't have come quick enough for the residents of the small city of Izluchinsk. After a herd of deer caused a multi-car pileup on Highway UH-35's southern fork roughly 12 kilometres from Nizhnevartovsk in the early morning hours on 9 May, the entire section of highway, and for that matter, most of the highway between Izluchinsk and Nizhnevartovsk, was closed down as deer-proof fencing was installed.
    There were no immediate fatalities from the crash, however, three people - a 52-year-old woman, a 32-year old man, and a 41-year-old man with a history of heart problems - succumbed to their injuries in Izluchinsk General Hospital.
    Deer overpopulation is an issue in some areas, as evidenced by the disgust shown by Gyarfas Szoladi towards the animals in the article run in the 9 May edition of this publication. The worst areas for it right now are various parts of Yugra, northern Permski Rayon (particularly around Nyrob), southern Central Uralica, and central Karelia.
    In addition to the fencing, a controlled hunting effort has been undertaken in many of these areas to keep the populations at more manageable levels. Furthermore, trained predators are being brought into these areas, and on occasion these deer are relocated to wildlife ranges to become food for predators kept there.
    Religion
    Ecclesiastical Province of Kirov To Become Episcopal Conference
    KIROV - Uralica's unique Catholicism has garnered enough recognition from Rome to attain the status of Episcopal Conference. It will still be under administrative control of Hungarian Archbishop Tamás Fehérvari as it was as the Ecclesiastical Province of Kirov, and earlier, the Archdiocese of Kirov (before Yamalia/Yugra/Karelia/Sapmi/Mordovia were annexed).
    The change of name is mainly an indicator of the fact that Uralica's Catholic population - mainly Hungarians and Livonians - has grown quite significantly in the last year. The structure of the nation's Catholic hierarchy is now as follows:
    - Episcopal Conference of Uralica
    -- Ecclesiastical Province of Surgut
    --- Archdiocese of Surgut
    --- Diocese of Salyakharad
    --- Diocese of Yekaterinburg
    --- Diocese of Serov
    -- Ecclesiastical Province of Kirov
    --- Archdiocese of Kirov
    --- Diocese of Tráty
    --- Diocese of Syktyvkar
    --- Diocese of Ukhta
    -- Ecclesiastical Province of Saransk
    --- Archdiocese of Saransk
    --- Diocese of Yoshkar-Ola
    --- Diocese of Ulator
    --- Diocese of Cheboksary
    -- Ecclesiastical Province of Viipuri
    --- Archdiocese of Viipuri
    --- Diocese of Cherepovets
    --- Diocese of Arkhangel'sk
    --- Diocese of Kondupohju
    --- Diocese of Murmashi
    Uralica To Become A Junior Patriarchate?
    PAZHGA - It seems that Nikolay Kosov has gotten the attention of the Patriarch of Constantinopole.
    The traditional spiritual leader of Orthodoxy, Patriarch Theophilos II, has spoken with great fondness about the 58-year-old and his commitment to Uralica's spiritual growth, as well as his thirst for social justice in all corners of the globe. His support of Kosov is nothing new - he was one of the first to congratulate Kosov's teary-eyed plea to moderate Russians to "replace racism and hatred with the love of Christ for all nations, tribes, and tongues" during the Uralic Purges of the spring of 2007. Although many extremist pro-Russian groups disowned Kosov as a result, many devout Orthodox Christians became more outspoken against those extremist groups - many historians in the area point to this period in time as the beginning of a major backlash against these now-marginalised elements.
    Having recently published a book about these times and how they strengthened his relationship with God, Kosov was writing a decree to speak on in another major Orthodox city, Bucharest, when he received a message from Theophilos II, asking him to go to Constantinople to confer with the nine current patriarchs (Constantinopole, Alexandria, Antioch, Jerusalem, Moscow and All Russia, All Bulgaria, All Georgia, All Romania, and Serbia) on the possibility of making the Uralic homeland, where Orthodoxy is the second-largest denomination after the Uralican Evangelical Baptist Church, a tenth such patriarchate.
    The Uralican Orthodox church has been a source of confusion as to which Patriarch it answers to - historically, it has been in the Patriarchate of All Russia, however this tie was severed by the then-patriarch of Moscow and All Russia without explanation in 2008, which left Kosov both furious and puzzled. Since then, he has maintained in contact with Constantinople and other major centres of Orthodoxy, such as Bucharest, Jerusalem, and Tbilisi, about the future of his nation's Orthodox church.
    Sport
    Kurri Cup Scores
    HK Syktyvkar 4 Usovuoren JKK 1
    (HKS leads series 2-0)
    CSKA Kirov 2 Jokerit 3 (OT)
    (Series tied 1-1)
    Let's Talk Hockey
    Hello again. It seems obvious from the fact that both games in the CSKA Kirov vs. Jokerit series went to OT that they are very well-matched. This begs the question - is Western monopoly in Uralican hockey finally over?
    The answer in my opinion is still a resounding no. CSKA could probably beat any team from North or East with relative ease, and we've already seen how good they are on their own turf, Southern Division. But the West, for them, are still a challenge. Next season should prove interesting with the expansion and the playoff rules reverting to an NHL-style system where only the division leaders are guaranteed entry into the playoffs while the rest is based on league positioning, from fifth-place to sixteenth. Because how much are people willing to bet that Jokerit and Severstal are going to be ranked fifth and sixth respectively? Probably very willing. And I could also see the fourth-place team in the West from the regular season, HK Vuktyl, finishing quite high as well.
    But this should be heralded as good news for fans of CSKA, who finished fourth in the league by a mere point behind HK Serov and only four back of second-place Sputnik Nizhny Tagil. With the schedule realigning so that teams don't have to play so much against their own division, I'd have to guess that the three Western giants will finish 1-2-3 in points, or perhaps 1-2-4 or 1-3-4 if CSKA really brings it. I wouldn't rule them out in the slightest.
    Anyway, have fun watching that series - it should be a classic. Unless you want to opt for schadenfreude instead and watch HK Syktyvkar eviscerate Usovuoren JKK, whom they clearly outclass.
    Plenty Of Good Football On Saturday
    It was a great day to be a football fan in Uralica yesterday, according to the pundits at UralSportNet.
    The day was studded with tight, exciting matchups and a few surprise results.
    In the Bolakliiga, probably the only matches that weren't at least somewhat close were SiPS' 5-0 drubbing of FK Kirov, and Dinamo Arkhangel'sk's 4-1 Dinamo-stomping of FK Kotlas. We saw Trátyi TK give Dinamo Kirov a huge scare, starting by going up 1-0 and having a goal disallowed for offsides before Khavkuk Shlomov finally woke up. FK Kotlas kept FK Vorkuta to within one until one foolish error cost them the final goal in the 90th minute, allowing FKV to put it out of reach before stoppage time began. Spartak Ukhta and Dinamo Vologda played a fun, goal-filled affair, ending in a 3-3 draw, although 21-year-old Spartak sub Vilppu Marttila hit the crossbar in stoppage time with a wildly-curving shot, almost winning his team the match.
    CSKVC Kirov couldn't've been more unlucky. They played their best football of the season and they still lost 1-0, after having a goal called back for offsides. The Udmurtiya Izhevsk goal in that one came with just a minute left in stoppage time.
    And then, there was Telekom Pazhga beating a red-hot ZavU 2-1. The 'Kom got their winner courtesy of a brilliantly-placed corner by Diedrik Siemens (The Mennonite Maestro himself) finding Rick Friesen in the box with space.
    The Ykkönen wasn't much different, with Mordovia Saransk and Turan Ukhta posting the only real blowout wins. Two other matches would appear to be thus as well from the scoreline, but both of those - Ural Y-burg's 4-2 win over ÖPK and Pechorski SK's 3-1 win over IPK - were only the result of stoppage time score-padding. Also, Fortuna Nizhny Tagil came back from 2-1 down to halt Spartak Yoshkar-Ola's hot streak with a 3-2 win.
    Now to the Kakkonen, starting out west, where Sever Murmansk and Severstal Cherepovets continue to dominate (tied atop the league with 11 wins out of 11 matches each), SSP and Arsenal continue to suck, and everyone else continues to claw their way along. The upper table continues to be a close battle, although Mennonites FC are four clear of KiPS, Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola, and Magyar LK for third place. Sysola Syktyvkar came back from a disappointing 1-0 loss against Stolitsa with a nice win over CSKVC Syktyvkar to remain within two.
    Out east is a much different story, with Khalmer-Yu Town continuing to astound the pundits with their winning ways. How such success could have come from a town of only around four thousand people escapes many footy "experts" these days. Progress Inta and Energiya Chaykovsky came to a disappointing draw - Progress felt they should have won because of a controversial offside call that cost them a goal, while a win would have put Energiya two points closer to top. Instead, Progress is now stuck in an epic logjam involving six teams. Aggressive Rossia Krasnokamsk is third by goal differential while Nenets FK won the Battle Of Naryan-Mar, beating FK Naryan-Mar 3-1, to claim fourth. Also in the jam are Progress, Octane Perm', Obyugra FK, and two teams who lost - CSKA Vorkuta, whom Rossia defeated 2-0, and Russki FK, who got a shock 3-2 trip-up courtesy of CSKA Ukhta.
  11. Uralica
    (OOC: Curses, late again Ah well, I have an excuse this time. My church barbecue and me being completely dead-tired yesterday in general)
    Top Stories
    Plesetsk Cosmodrome To Reopen In June
    MIRNYY - It would seem Uralica has spacefaring ambitions.
    For the last two months, the Uralican Air Force has been working around the clock on getting the famous Plesetsk Cosmodrome, which is actually closer to former "closed town" Mirnyy within Northwest Uralica, up and running again.
    "A lot of the equipment, while unused, was still very much operable," said Reijo Muurinen, who is in charge of the project. "Some of the equipment was kinda outdated anyway, so we took all that stuff out and are in the process of replacing it. It should be done sometime in late June."
    The reopening of the Cosmodrome has brought forth rumours that Uralica may soon be reaching for the stars, so to speak.
    Cleanup In Northwest Uralica Almost Complete
    KOSLAN - Leakage from an old weapons depot near the Uralican town of Koslan, which caused the destruction of thousands of hectares of forest land, has almost been contained, according to project supervisor and Tribal Council member Janne Hirvonen.
    "The latest report suggests that we are at about 96% completion," the Finn said. "The cleanup of the Mezen' River, which was the hardest part that required the most people, is 100% finished. The real issue now is the complete gutting and disassembly of the weapons depot. The military has been heavily involved in this part, to ensure that it's done right and without incident."
    Sports
    TvinkiZavod Learning The Hard Way
    CHAYKOVSKY - It's tough being a fourth-tier team in an international league for sure. Just ask TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, the twinkie-sponsored Kolmonen F team who entered the Siberian Trophy this season.
    But in spite of the fact they've lost all but one of their four games in play (1-0-2 in league play and their only cup match was a loss as well), they have kept every match close.
    "It's all about learning the hard way," said manager Yosif Makarin. "Perhaps by 2014, we will be playing in the Bolakliiga. It's hard to say, but we are getting better with every game."
    Their next match is against the very talented Bamburgh FC. The team brought precocious young goalkeeper Anatoly Yakimkin in after a successful trial stint with the reserve club, one that saw TZC Reserves win five straight without allowing a goal.
    Kurri Trophy Semifinal Draw
    (1) HK Syktyvkar (won 4-0) vs. (7) Usovuoren JKK (won 4-3)
    (4) CSKA Kirov (won 4-0) vs. (6) HK Jokerit (won 4-1)
    Predictions:
    Syktyvkar vs. Usovuori: Let me put it simply. Neither Usovuoren JKK nor Spartak Murmansk have the firepower necessary to take on powerhouse HK Syktyvkar. It wouldn't have mattered so much who won this, as HKS would be favoured to win anyway.
    HK Syktyvkar in 4.
    CSKA vs. Jokerit: This one will be a little closer. CSKA recovered from a slow start to finish top in the Southern Division. Jokerit finished second in the ultra-tough Western Division. This will be a classic.
    CSKA in 7.
    UIHL To Expand For 2010-2011
    Each division will have eight teams starting next season, with the top four advancing to playoffs, eliminating the need for the top teams to have first-round byes. But there will be relegation as well, with the five teams going down that would have anyway. (These were JKK Kottila, HK Sosnogorsk, Dinamo Kirovo-Chepetsk, HK Kudymkar, and HK Berezniki)
    Because of these relegations, there will actually be a significant shift in the league's makeup for next season:
    (New teams in italics)
    NORTH
    Torpedo Murmansk
    Usovuoren JKK
    HK Pechora
    Zenit Arkhangel'sk
    HK Ukhta
    Dinamo-GPS Murmansk
    Spartak Severodvinsk
    HK Vuktyl
    WEST
    HK Syktyvkar
    HK Sikkivukarin Jokerit
    Severstal Cherepovets
    Viipurin Blues
    Trátyi HK
    Torpedo Vologda
    Spartak Yulser-Ola
    Dinamo Veliski
    EAST
    HK Sputnik Nizhny Tagil
    HK Serov
    HK Solikamsk
    Öskölömen JKK
    CSKA Yekaterinburg (moved from South)
    Alavartolan Jokerit (Nizhnevartovsk)
    Punaturjimen JKK
    Kudymkar Wheat Kings
    SOUTH
    CSKA Kirov
    MP Perm'
    HK Izhevsk
    HK Glazov
    HK Orlov (Division I Champions)
    HK Kungur
    Votan Salamat
    Zenit Mozhga
    As such, Division I will also expand. The lineup will be announced next Saturday.
  12. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Salomäki: "Let Him Go."
    SYKTYVKAR - all it took to end a bitter rogue campaign against an alliance that has garnered a bit of a reputation for attacking others randomly was three words.
    Jarkko Salomäki returned late last night after having gone to TOOL War Command in the nation of Dodoboots. The nation of Philantia, who had attacked NorsaLan without provocation and continually baited TOOL members who came to that nation's defence, is finally at peace officially, although a ceasefire had been declared two days earlier when the nation's brash leader, President Hyland, finally admitted that he was at fault.
    Although there were rumblings of reparations being asked, an absent Dodoei123 had set the Uralican leader a text message stating what he wanted done.
    "My orders were clear," said the Uralican leader. "Dodo felt he had learned enough of a lesson from the beating he took, so I went to TWC and gave a simple three-word order. 'Let him go.' And the order was followed."
    The TOOL nations that counterattacked were Exarchy, Stachelstein, and FreeForAll, with Exarchy declaring official peace at the same time the ceasefire was negotiated.
    When asked for comment on the alliance, Jarkko was a bit pessimistic.
    "They aren't afraid to hit anyone," he said. "I mean heck, another one of their members is still in a war against an ICB member. If they keep this unchecked aggression up they'll be on the road to alliance-wide ZI in no time. But my orders are my orders. As long as they stay away from The Order and her allies, they have nothing to fear from me."
    Deer Cause Chaos Near Nizhnevartovsk
    NIZHNEVARTOVSK - Highway UH-35 had to be shut down between the easternmost suburbs of Nizhnevartovsk and the town of Izluchinsk, after a herd of deer "got uppity" and tried to cross the highway last night, causing a multiple-vehicle pileup on the eastbound lane and a couple fender-benders in the westbound lane.
    Local highway maintenance foreman Gyarfas Szoladi was hardly impressed.
    "Deer overpopulation is an issue in some parts of Uralica," he said. "Unfortunately, our area happens to be one of those parts. We have to install fences high enough to keep them off the main roads, because accidents like these really gnarl things up for people who live in the Vakh Valley area. I doubt the people in Izluchinsk were too thrilled that all the traffic was going down their main drag, either, especially with the speed limit being only fifty clicks... I figure this mess will take three or four days to sort out. There are no fatalities yet, but with a couple critical injuries involved, that could change."
    16 people had to be hospitalized, including three with potentially life-threatening injuries.
    "If that had been on Highway 1, there would have been instant fatalities for sure," Szoladi added. "The speed limit is higher, and there's more traffic. The reason things like this don't happen on the UH-1 is that either the road is raised too high, or there are high deer fences flanking the roadway."
    Tourism
    Twenty-Five Must-See Spots In Uralica
    Representatives from TOOL Tourism and several other tourism boards got together to decide on the best tourist attractions in Uralica (which they also did with several other nations - all the results are searchable on www.robertiantourism.com), and they were "at pains" to come up with just 25, a comment that only a few countries got.
    Anyway, here's the list in order.
    1. Uralic Cultural Centre, Syktyvkar - This should go without saying. So many things to see and do here that you'd have to take three days just to get started.
    2. Bolak Terminal, Kirov International Airport, Kirov - ever wanted to feel like you were in a video game? Get your picture taken in front of this sleek, futuristic airport terminal, that contains more shops than you could possibly imagine.
    3. Kuik Tower, Uralican World Trade Centre, Syktyvkar - The tallest building in the Ural-Volga region, you can go check out the view from the top floor or go shopping in Uralica's largest singular store in the bottom four. Your choice.
    4. The Ob-Bend Bridge, between Lapyt-Nank and Salyakharad - Uralica has an insane number of bridges, of which this one is the longest by far. Running diagonally across the Ob River and several small braids of the same, this engineering marvel offers an amazing view of both small cities. Best viewed in the summertime.
    5. Virgin Komi Forests National Park - stretching across three counties (Central Uralica, Pechora, Northeast Uralica), this former UNESCO World Heritage Site is still the largest virgin forest in Europe at over thirty thousand square kilometres, as it seems even angsty Robertian politicians have avoided this area like the plague when conducting military operations. Any eco-tourist would be in seventh heaven if they visited this natural treasure.
    6. Kesler Building, Yekaterinburg - Uralica's second-tallest building houses the Ural Mountains Stock Exchange's trading floor, as well as several financial offices. But it's the architecture that makes this beautiful modern building worth visiting.
    7. Sheldomar Bolak Monument, Ukhta - why is it that Uralicans have named so much stuff after Sheldomar Bolak? Well, given their history as a CCC member under the rule of the same, it should surprise no one. Heck, their largest corporation was renamed after him!
    8. Church of the Resurrection, Pazhga - Are you a Christian of any sort? Even if you aren't, this divinely-inspired monstrosity will leave you in awe with its exquisite stained-glass designs. Plus I've heard their Saturday and Sunday services (yes, in Uralica, some UEB Christians have their church on Saturday) are rockin'!
    9. Filharmonia, Syktyvkar - one of the great music halls of the world, in a country practically obsessed with the sonic arts, the Filharmonia has hosted some amazing concerts over the years, with shows ranging from classical performances by the Uralican Symphony and Syktyvkar Philharmonic Orchestras to heavy metal concerts that can be heard for miles around.
    10. Vyborg Castle, Viipuri - In spite of being under Russian rule from the mid-19th century to the foundation of Uralica, this castle has more of a Nordic flavour than a Slavic one, owing to the fact that Swedes built the thing and Finns were at one point the dominant ethnicity in the area. The centrepiece of perhaps Uralica's most picturesque city.
    11. The Zaliv, Cheboksary - although Zaliv means "bay" in Russian, The Zaliv is universally understood in Uralica as being this artificially-created bay, beach, and general area of Cheboksary dedicated to summer fun.
    12. Sysola Square, Uralica - where the Sysola and the Vychegda meet, across from the Uralic Cultural Centre, is the location of several important government buildings, such as the Tribal Council Chambers, Syktyvkar City Hall, and the former house of the Komi Tribal Board, as well as this treed square, which contains the "Founding Fathers And Mothers" statue, dedicated to some of the most important figures in Uralica's foundation. Figures that Meri Vanhanen, who came up with the concept of Uralica's flag, is the one holding the thing!
    13. Tsykmä Open-Air Museum Complex, Tsykmä - the Hill Mari language and a bevy of tourist spots are what best defines the city of Tsykmä in western Mari El, which is actually the only major centre in Mari El on the Volga's south side. But none of these attractions is more fascinating than the open air museum complex, which has dozens of older but well kept up buildings and thousands of artisan tools on display.
    14. Volga Narrows Bridge, Tsykmä - Another huge bridge in Uralica? Whooda thunk it? This is the link between Tsykmä and the rest of Mari El, but it is also important to Chuvashia as well. At the bridge's high point, one can actually see Cheboksary off in the distance. Cool!
    15. The Galleria, Yoshkar-Ola - A restoration project done on the National Artistic Gallery of Mari El in 2008 and early 2009 resulted in a renaissance for Mari fine arts. Now called The Galleria, it is the largest single-building museum in Uralica, and also houses the largest collection of Mari-ethnic art in the world, bar none. Music and film lovers have sections for them as well, plus there is a large library in the Galleria as well.
    16. Uralikan Yliopisto, Main Campus, Syktyvkar - Uralikan Yliopisto is widely regarded as the best Christian university in the Ural-Volga and among the best in the world. But it is also one of Syktyvkar's leading tourist attractions, believe it or not. The buildings are beautifully-designed in a variety of architectural styles, and the faculty and sessionals will sometimes hold free lectures on topics that interest tourists, such as architectural styles, recent Uralic history, and if you manage to get Jarkko Salomäki as your prof, perhaps even the phonology of Uralican Spoken Finnish.
    17. Pier 2 Mall, Arkhangel'sk - one of the main aquatic points of ingress into Uralica is the Arkhangel'sk-Severodvinsk Combined Seaport, which also includes the small town of Tsiglomen' between them. But it is Arkhangel'sk's massive Pier 2 that is where a great many passenger ships end up docking, and as such it has one of Uralica's largest shopping centres right across the street from it.
    18. TvinkiZavod, Chaykovsky - the city of Chaykovsky literally has a section of the city devoted to the manufacturing of a certain cream-filled pastry snack that is coveted by certain alliance leaders. And even though 70% of Uralican Twinkies are exported, the remaining 30% includes free samples included in the price of a tour of the place.
    19. Vorkuta Gulag Memorial Museum/Kolpakov Square, Vorkuta - It's no secret to anyone who has visited Uralica that some of their more northerly cities started off as gulag camps, however this dark past is intentionally aired out "so that others may not repeat these tragic mistakes." This museum provides a fascinating and candid look into city history, whether it solemnly pays homage to those who died in the labour camp conditions or looks fondly upon the period where Vorkuta was a haven from similar oppression.
    20. Novy Amkar Stadion, Perm' - footy anyone? Although the best teams in Uralica are in Kirov and Syktyvkar, the best stadium hands down is this amazing venue, which was rebuilt from the ground up when Perm' was rebuilt after being annexed. Not only is it an amazing atmosphere, but it stands as a symbol of a rejuvenated Perm' on the whole.
    21. Pyotr Il'yich Tchaikovsky Homestead Museum, Votka - Tchaikovsky was one of the classical greats, often mentioned in the same breath as Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Bizet, and many of the great Masters. In Uralica, he is considered a national inspiration, and the fact that his homestead is so well kept up is a testament to this. Apparently the country's own master, Sirkka Numminen, goes here whenever she's suffering from writer's block!
    22. Udmurt Museum of Culture and Arts, Izhevsk - after the Galleria in Yoshkar-Ola, this is the second-largest single-building museum in Uralica and also home to an amazing range of "Udmurt masterworks" and ethnographic material.
    23. Arctic Circle Monument, Salyakharad - Salyakharad has the quirky distinction of being the largest (and perhaps the only) world centre located directly on the Arctic Circle, marked by an equally quirky monument.
    24. New Surgut Bridge, Surgut - The world's longest single-tower cable-stayed bridge was rebuilt in 2009, and now serves as a key link along Highway UH-1. One sees the main city from the side when crossing the bridge, comparable to the Ironworkers' Memorial Second Narrows Bridge in Vancouver.
    25. UralTek Games HQ, Nizhny Tagil - Nicknamed "Gaming Geeks' Paradise" for good reason. Playing the newest UTG releases in arcade-like stalls only costs as much as you want to put into it. This massive arcade also doubles as a hiring ground for alpha and beta testers, and is a great place to talk about new gaming ideas with UralTek designers. One of our writers spent about an hour and a half playing The Fear Factory: Return To The Frozen Gulag there. Fun times!
    Sports
    Get Out The Brooms - Two Second-Round Sweeps In Kurri Trophy
    CSKA Kirov and HK Syktyvkar are through to the semifinals of the Kurri Trophy competition with ease. Now HK Syktyvkar had the tougher opponent, and if there were a such thing as a close sweep, this would be it - they won all but one game by only one goal. CSKA Kirov, on the other hand, made short work of HK Serov.
    Elsewhere, HK Jokerit can wrap up their best-of-seven against Torpedo Murmansk tonight with a win, as they lead the series 3-1. However, it seems things are far from over for HK Sputnik and Usovuoren JKK. The Nizhny Tagil team blew a 4-1 lead to lose 5-4 in overtime, so the series is now tied at two games apiece.
    First Managerial Sackings Of The Season
    KOTLAS - It would appear Lokomotiv Kotlas has had enough. Manager Arno Masing has been given the boot after a 3-1-46 record with the team over three seasons. But football pundits from outside the country question this move, saying that the back office staff were too tight-fisted to allow Lokomotiv Kotlas to improve enough to compete.
    Also gone is Arsenal Syktyvkar manager Kaspar Bykov, in a move that hardly surprised anyone.
    "He had lost the players," said SiPS manager Teppo Kostamo. "And when you lose the players that quickly because of your questionable tactics, something's got to give."
    Although FK Inta bench boss Milan Sorokin is rumoured to be on the block, Jarkko Salomäki doesn't think he'll be sacked earlier than the middle of the transfer window.
    "FK Inta might be a losing team, but they still got sponsorship bonuses to come in," he said. "If anyone's leaving Inta, it'll be players. Because I have seen this guy's tactics, and they aren't bad. It's just that the players he has don't cut it, especially in the back end. I wouldn't be surprised to see them jump into the race for some of the talented lower-level players like [Csaba] Szalay."
    Vorkuta Gives Udmurtiya A Scare
    VORKUTA - Udmurtiya Izhevsk came in expecting a victory, but they didn't expect that it would take a stoppage-time game-winner to do so. A superb outing from both striker Yoel Pankov and right mid Grisha Makarov kept this one close. In fact, Vorkuta briefly had a 2-1 lead after Pankov's second goal, although Yaro Trifanov equalised within five minutes for the Vihreävalkoiset. The opener was scored by Ed Nyilas, while the winner was scored by Pyotr Varenkov.
    "They aren't a team to be taken lightly," said manager Taras Zakhariyev. "That was a mistake we made early on, and we had a very close call because of the fact."
    Recovering Metafraks Gubakha also gave Amkar Perm' a scare, only losing 2-1. SiPS, in the meantime, beat Dinamo Arkhangel'sk 3-1. Dinamo Kirov kept pace with a 4-0 win over FK Inta.
  13. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Operation Mustavesi May Soon End
    BELGRADO, DODOBOOTS - After being counterattacked by three TOOL nations, it seems the once-defiant President Hyland is now ready to talk peace.
    The war with the Black Water Military Contracting alliance began on 28 April when the same Hyland ordered an unprovoked attack on the nation of NorsaLan. The counter took a "painfully long" time to come, but when it did, TOOL nations Exarchy, Stachelstein, and FreeForAll were up to the task.
    At first, Hyland insisted what they were doing was not defence, simply because they declared war. This was laughed off by newly-appointed TOOL Lieutenant Jarkko Salomäki, who called this insistence "the ramblings of someone who has no knowledge of proper Robertian politics."
    But now, with the nation reduced to half of what it was before, the people in anarchy, and the monetary resources of the nation running out, Hyland has finally agreed to try to reach terms with TOOL Hand of War Dodoei123, and the leaders of all belligerents involved - that is, Norsalan, the three attacking TOOL nations, Philantia, and Dodoboots - have met to do precisely that. In the meantime, a ceasefire has been declared.
    Lots Of Red Tape Cut To Welcome Dozens Of New Cities
    SYSERT - And just like that, the official number of Uralican cities almost doubled.
    Several cities were made official within Uralica yesterday, with the largest of these being Sysert, Southeast Uralica, which is one of a growing number of rapidly-expanding bedroom communities to Greater Yekaterinburg. Two other communities in this category, Aramil and Bisert, also received their official city status.
    There were other notable cities, for reasons other than sheer size. Some counties that had no cities at all fielded their first cities - among these was Pazhga, the "most religious city in Uralica" (which is saying something, as Uralica is indeed a Judaeo-Christian nation), Naryan-Mar, which boasts around three quarters of the population of Nenetsia-North Uralica county in its entirety, Troitsko-Pechorsk, which is often called "the gateway to the Virgin Komi Forests," Plesetsk, the namesake city of the closed Plesetsk Cosmodrome (which is actually technically in nearby Mirnyy), and Tráty, formerly known as Trakt, which was the location of the first Hungarian settlers in Uralica, and currently has the largest proportion of Hungarians of any major settlement in the country (but not the largest population, which is in Surgut, Yugra).
    Finally, there was once city that just managed to make the 20 000 citizens needed to make it past the opening cut, which was Igrim, Yugra. Known as one of the true centres of Mansi culture, city status brings with it extra funding for the numerous Mansi-ethnographic museums in the city, not that they were underfunded to begin with!
    Music
    Music And Football Collide
    PERM' - One could accuse End of Sorrows drummer Yoel Pushkaryov of leading a double life, and he'd be the first to agree. Not only is he a successful musician - he joins versatile-voiced bassist Kris Werner, in-your-face rhythm guitarist Sulo Riihijärvi, and virtuosic but humble lead guitarist Vladimir Parfenov in End of Sorrows, the Christian post-grunge supergroup - but he is also a semi-professional footballer, having a part-time contract with Porokhovoi Zavod Perm', which takes its name from a gunpowder factory in the Industrialnyy borough of the city.
    "I don't actually work in this factory," Pushkaryov said in an interview, "although my dad did, which is how I got into the soccer program. They've hung on to me since I was a little guy, now I play for the senior team as an attacking or left midfielder."
    That he does. He actually sits joint fourth in the Kolmonen F in assists with six after nine matches played this season, plus he even scored a goal against FK Dobryanka.
    However, music is still his first priority.
    "If a game clashes with a concert, the managerial staff knows that I will give the concert precedence," he says. "I figure if PZP ever gets promoted, I'd be transferred almost immediately, because I can't really play the game full-time and continue my music as well."
    Digitoxicosis Back In Studio
    SYKTYVKAR - It seems industrial metal sextet Digitoxicosis couldn't possibly give the fans enough. Their first album, Cybernetic Doomsday Device, is the highest-selling secular album in Uralican history, but the fans were very curious about the new songs Digitoxicosis started playing on tour and wondered if a new album was coming out.
    Wonder no more. They're back in studio again. Lead guitarist Aalto Kujanen confirmed this in a sighting yesterday. He threw the metal horns up for fans gathered outside the studio, then went back in.
    Later, we ran into Russo-Mari bassist Arkady Koskov at Vsevolod's.
    "You'll love this album," he said. "We've been playing a bunch of new stuff at concerts, but there are still ideas that Tatjana [Malinskaja] and Aalto [Kujanen] are working on, ideas Esa[ Myllyjärvi]'s brainstorming to use with his vocoding gizmos, and the like. I figure this new album should have ten or eleven tracks on it. It's a superlong disc - don't worry about having 2-minute blips!"
    Sports
    Trátyi TK Handed "Slice Of Humble Pie"
    TRÁTY - Trátyi TK didn't think Kirovin JK had the offence to beat them. Were they ever wrong. Although the shots were even and KJK were without starting goalkeeper Immo Kivilahti, who has missed the last three matches with a pulled quadricep, KJK still won the match 2-1. Manager Zoltán Fehér admits that he was just as guilty as his charge of being cocky.
    "We were at home against a team on a supposed cold streak, and we let down our guard," he said. "So they served us up a nice slice of humble pie with the name Tapani Karjalainen all over it. We didn't play terribly per se, but we let up on them too much, and by the time we got our goal from Kozma [bakos], the game was practically over. Their defence really stepped it up, and [Aalto] Virtanen was solid in goal, although he's no [immo] Kivilahti."
    Karjalainen, who scored both goals, was very reserved in his matchday thoughts, unlike the smugness that some expect from star players of football clubs that win.
    "It wasn't easy by any means," said the Finn. "Wally (that is, Uolevi Rönkkö) made a brilliant cross for the opening goal, and I'm amazed I scored the second goal. I think it hit something on the way in. Won't be surprised if I get the second one taken away from me."
    Other notable Bolakliiga results saw Amkar Perm' bump their slump 2-1 against Dinamo Vologda, while SiPS, Dinamo Kirov, Zavod Ural, and Udmurtiya Izhevsk all posted convincing wins.
    Mordovia Not Claiming Victory Yet Despite Win
    YEKATERINBURG - In what was a match for the ages, Mordovia Saransk got a stoppage-time goal from Mikhail Ovechkov to claim sole possession of first place last night, but manager Dmitry Kabayev dispelled rumours that his team thinks they've won the league.
    "We still meet them again later in the season," the Mordvin said, "plus there are eighteen other teams in the league, y'know. So we're not going to get cocky. Actually, I think Öskölömen Palloklubi are a real threat. They have the extra incentive, something to prove from last season."
    The 3-2 win does put them in sole possession of first, two ahead of the same ÖPK Kabayev mentioned, and three clear of Ural and Pechorski Sportklub.
  14. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Tribal Council Condemns "Cowards," Sends NorsaLan Aid
    SYKTYVKAR - The nation of Germans' polite decline of an aid package left room open for Uralica to act decisively in an urgent TOOL situation. Two days ago, the nation of Philantia, of the "Black Water Military Contracting" micro-alliance, attacked the lower-level TOOL nation of NorsaLan, whose ruler is dhawk - best known in TOOL for his financial exploits.
    A furious Jarkko Salomäki decried the attacks as "cowardly," and was even more enraged when a BWMC representative contacted him to taunt him. [OOC: strictly RP. Didn't actually happen. ]
    However, their hands were tied until Taken, the decidedly German ruler of the obvious-named nation, decided to decline a portion of aid Uralica had sent him.
    Early this morning, Salomäki called a snap meeting of the Uralican Tribal Council, where a motion to send money and troops to Norsalan was put forward immediately by the Chief, seconded by Swedish Saami Gustaf Nordlund, and passed unanimously. Troops from the Unified Saami Division are now en-route to NorsaLan to abet the defence of the Norse-ethnic nation.
    Salomäki echoed the ominous words of TOOL military leader Dodoei123 with his post-meeting interview.
    "How much more clearcut can this get? It's a simple case of a cowardly rogue nation attacking a target that it thinks is too low for its alliance to defend. Well news flash, buddy - we have TOOL nations lining up to get a piece of you. And mark my words, if his buddies join in on a counterattack should we decide to defend our member, it WILL get ugly."
    When asked by a foreign reporter if he thought the BWMC was in anyway connected to the Blackwater training regime of the Order of the Black Rose, he laughed for about two minutes, then had this to say.
    "No way in hell. The OBR is far too honourable for such a transgression. Matter of fact I would have the entire Black Water Military Contracting alliance taught a lesson for besmirching the good name of Blackwater, but they have not attacked us... yet. I'm not holding out hope that they will see the fact that their leader is completely in the wrong, though."
    Sports
    ZavU Out, TvinkiZavod In
    It isn't often that a team playing in the fourth level of its nation's league system is invited to play international football, but for Kolmonen F (Permski Rayon) side TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, it's a double dose of "special case."
    First of all, Prince Mishka (also called Tyga) insisted the team replace Zavod Ural Solikamsk when the Silvers decided to leave the league due to wanting better domestic timing, because of their association with the Twinkie-production industry in Uralica. 70% of Uralican Twinkies are exported to Tygaland.
    However, they wouldn't have been invited if not for a sizzling performance in the Uralican domestic cup, the Kanslerinkilpi. Originally slated to play in the Nelonen F2 (Southern Permski Rayon, one level below the Kolmonen F), they were bumped up a division after going all the way to the Round of 16, and in the process eliminating Ykkönen team Spartak Yoshkar-Ola and Kakkonen team Octane Perm', and also giving high-rated Bolakliiga team Amkar Perm' a scare on the way out.
    This season in the Kolmonen thus far, there is no question they should be in a higher league, having scored 41 goals in 7 matches played (one goal shy of an even six per match) and allowed none.
    Manager Yosif Makarin was very excited to be participating.
    "It is a tremendous honour to be given the chance to prove ourselves internationally even when we are at such a low level of the domestic system. We have heard many stories from Solikamsk about the teams in this league, and are anxious to start playing. We think we can actually be somewhat competitive."
    Season In Review - UJPL Upper Levels
    Bolakliiga
    Well, the usual suspects are dominating the league - Sikkivukarin Palloseura and Dinamo Kirov - but I'm a bit disappointed by Udmurtia Izhevsk. After finishing last season second, they've gotten off to less of an impactful start than they were expected to, going 5-0-2. Now to be fair to them, they have played good football, but they weren't expected to lose against Zavod Ural Solikamsk. Then again, half the league wasn't. It seems the predictions of a ZavU breakout season from some pundits weren't so far-fetched after all. Considering that their only loss has come against Dinamo Kirov, it'd suffice to say that ZavU is impressing people early on. So too are newcomers Trátyi TK, who blew through the Ykkönen last season and have only lost twice in seven matches so far this season, against SiPS, and a third up-and-comer. I suppose in this one's case, we should call them an up-and-returner, since they finished fourth in the inaugural Bolakliiga season but a disappointing tenth last season. Yes, I'm talking about Telekom Pazhga, the Mennonite team with arguable the most talented Mennonite footballer on the planet in double-footed flanking mid Diedrik Siemens.
    With all this season's surprises, there are also a few disappointments. Right now, CSKVC Kirov, who gutted out promotion with an extra-time playoff win last season, is set to go right back down the other way, the only promoted team from last season that can claim that at this point. Metafraks Gubakha FINALLY won their first match of the season last Saturday, in a season that has been marred by injuries. Furthermore, Mashinostroitel Kirov, Kirovin JK, and Spartak Ukhta are having lacklustre seasons, especially KJK, who after making it to the finals of the Kanslerinkilpi, has three wins and four losses to start the season.
    Of course, a league wouldn't be a league without its minnows, and luck seems to have run out for both FK Syktyvkar and FK Inta, neither of whom have won a match this season. The latter has improved a little bit since sending giveaway king Moroz Rybin down to the Nelonen-based reserves in favour of an up-and-coming Lanssi Möttölä, who has done decently in the matches he's played. However, neither team has much hope of staying up unless one of them can swing a deal in the transfer window to get coveted Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola goalkeeper Csaba Szalay, who many people say is going to be moved for a hefty price come summer due to the demand for him. (Most teams in the league's lower half are interested.)
    Ykkönen
    As with the B-Liiga, the Ykkönen is looking like a two-club show at the moment. Mordovia Saransk and Ural Yekaterinburg, both teams that had success in the old Russian system (Ural was Ural Sverdlovsk Oblast back then), are first and second at the moment, both having won all seven matches thus far. Also of note is Öskölömen Palloklubi, the poor souls that CSKVC Kirov beat last season to advance to the B-Liiga. They have yet to lose, although they did lose points against Krylja Uralikov in their opening match in a 3-3 draw. Fortuna Nizhny Tagil and Pechorski Sportklub are also playing well.
    Then comes a large points dropoff. Even this early, it is looking like a dogfight for the last promotion playoff spot, with Turan Ukhta and Spartak Kirov leading the way. The highest relegated team, FK Ukhta, isn't too far behind. Actually, the relegated teams from Bolakliiga this season are looking better than those who voluntarily went down to the Kakkonen. Spartak Yoshkar-Ola have started to turn their luck around. Only Lokomotiv Kotlas - who have been nothing short of pathetic this season - has really struggled. But with the new promotion-relegation system that just got voted in by the Ykkönen and Kakkonen teams, it will be the bottom four going under, and it's gonna be very close.
    Kakkonen West
    Obviously the promotion-relegation system has its effects on this level as well. Instead of having the best second-place teams play each other, each half of the Kakkonen now has a British-style playoff with the second, third, fourth, and fifth place teams playing two rounds to see who joins first place.
    Speaking of first place, oh man, it's gonna be an epic battle for that, between Sever Murmansk and Severstal Cherepovets, neither of whom are giving their opposition an inch this season. Mennonites FC from Pazhga could also sneak in, but currently sit two back, having lost points in a 2-2 draw against Sysola Syktyvkar, who sit a little further back. Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola has only lost once this season, and at that only by a score of 1-0 against Sever Murmansk. However, with so many Bolakliiga eyes on their Hungarian goalkeeper, Csaba Szalay, it may not be long before we start seeing them drop off a little.
    There seems to be a clear line in this league between who is looking well and who is not, with only Mari FK not being sure where they stand. There are a couple of teams from the Nation's Capital that really need to smarten up, though - neither Arsenal nor SSP has registered a point yet. Veliski FK also has yet to win.
    Kakkonen East
    Ever heard those stories of a small-town team that did something big? Well, Khalmer-Yu Town has presented one of those that Uralica can call its very own. The town of Khalmer-Yu, even with the recent population growth, is only 4000 people strong, and yet this club is having its way with the Kakkonen East. It will be interesting to see what happens when it meets up with Energiya Chaykovsky, though. Even though TvinkiZavod is the flavour-of-the-week team there because of their participation in Siberian Trophy, Energiya is also a solid squad that has yet to lose this season. The next eight teams in the table - Progress Inta, Nenets FK, Obyugra FK, Octane Perm', Burevestnik Izhevsk, Russki FK, Rossia Krasnokamsk, and CSKA Vorkuta - look geared up for a playoff dogfight.
    The other end is looking a bit sparse at the moment though, with Pshenitsa Kudymkar, Traktor Berezniki, and CSKVC Ukhta all really struggling, having lost all seven matches thus far. FK Bolak and FK Kungur aren't looking too hot, either.
    Well, that's it for now. Next week will feature the eight-division Kolmonen, including TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, Sheksna Cherepovets, Sokol Sernur, SpVgg Ubb, and many more!
    Kurri Cup Scores
    (1) HK Syktyvkar 3 (9) HK Severstal 2 (HK Syktyvkar leads 2-0)
    (2) HK Sputnik 1 (7) Usovuoren JKK 3 (Series tied 1-1)
    (3) CSKA Kirov 4 (6) HK Serov 2 (CSKA leads 2-0)
    (4) Torpedo Murmansk 1 (5) HK Jokerit 4 (Jokerit leads 2-0)
    Next games on Thursday.
    Tour D'Ouralique Expanded
    With the growth of Uralica comes an expansion of its annual cycle road race, the Tour D'Ouralique. And no longer do commuters have to be slowed down by the race, as there is finally a numbered highway that runs between Punaturjin and Berezniki, near the end of the race. The expansion and straightening-out of the once treacherous road between Kytlym, East Uralica, and Jaiva, Permski Rayon, has opened up the opportunity to add length, and challenge, to the race. To that end, the Tour d'Ouralique no longer runs to Serov, instead turning north at Karpinsk and following Highway 6 to Yugrakar, the new end-point of the race.
  15. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Uralikan Yliopisto Dubbed "Great University"
    Uralikan Yliopisto, Uralica's vaunted state university, has finally made the elite, it seems.
    Last night, the Robertian Council of Universities and Colleges, the world academic "watchdogs," bestowed the honour upon the Christian university, calling it "one of the most balanced Christian universities in the world" and "long overdue" for the dubbing.
    The institute was founded in April of 2008 by many of the same intelligentsia that were responsible for Uralica's Constitution, and is particularly renowned for its commitment to teaching life skills and critical thinking, as well as its broad range of programs and its particularly noteworthy language-teaching, linguistics, and history/culture departments. The RCUC has it ranked in the top 50 universities in the former Soviet Union area and the top 200 in Europe, even though two of its campuses (Surgut, Greater Yekaterinburg) are geographically in Asia.
    With around 120 000 total seats in 18 campuses around Uralica, UY is the largest non-profit organisation that is completely within Uralica, larger than even the Emergency Relief and Human Development Corps (ERHDC). It employs 5 000 professors from 10 different countries (mainly from CCC nations but also from TOOL nations) and as many as 40 000 staff at various times of the year.
    Salomäki: Construction Of University Of West Uralica Almost Complete
    MOLOCHNOYE - As if Uralica didn't have enough higher education.
    The nation with the highest college-per-capita proportion in TOOL is planning to add even more institutes of higher education to its plate, and it would seem one of these is almost complete in the Vologda bedroom community of Molochnoye.
    The University of West Uralica isn't expected to be as large as Uralikan Yliopisto's Main Campus, but it will have one thing UY does not - a law school. No longer will the Uralican College of Law and Criminology in Cheboksary, Chuvashia, have a monopoly on domestic law-schooling. And they're just fine with that.
    "UCLC was getting so many Law applications that only the absolute top-of-the-line students were getting admission, leaving most students that would be worthy in any other nation to go abroad," said UCLC admissions officer Gurban Makhmudov. "But with UWU set to have a decent-sized law school, more Uralicans can study to practice law without having to go through passport and visa hassles and all that nonsense."
    Jarkko Salomäki says that some buildings are already complete and have passed inspections.
    "There are fifteen buildings at the campus at the moment, with six of them having passed inspection and the other nine coming along at a great pace. You know what they say - many hands make light work! We've had to make sure our tradespeople don't overwork themselves, because we've got all these people and they're working from sunrise to sunset. I s'pose it's a good thing that construction is #1 out of the non-factory trades, eh?"
    When asked for a completion date, Salomäki said he didn't know for sure, but that he "was hoping for mid-June."
    Sports
    Malakhov "A Force Of Nature"
    With 84 gold medals to his credit this season, it comes as no surprise that Dmitry Malakhov won this season's Uralican Nordic Skiing Championships quite easily.
    "The man is nothing short of a force of nature," said league manager Foma Vologodin. "He has literally won at least one gold in every event outside of ski-jumping, and he holds Uralican records in every individual event except the biathlon pursuit. I don't know how he does it. I do know he does it cleanly, that's it."
    So what's next for the 26-year-old Nenets-Triber from Lapyt-Nank?
    "Over the spring and summer, I will train by playing football, roller-skiing, shooting on the target ranges up in Naryan-Mar, and perhaps even taking a trip to a place that is frozen year-round like Novaja Zemlja, to continue to ski."
    Kurri Cup Playoffs Second Round Matchups
    The second round of the Kurri Trophy ice hockey playoffs gets underway on Monday night. Here are the matchups:
    (1) HK Syktyvkar vs. (9) HK Severstal
    (2) HK Sputnik vs. (7) Usovuoren JKK
    (3) CSKA Kirov vs. (6) HK Serov
    (4) Torpedo Murmansk vs. (5) HK Jokerit
    Who's Hot, Who's Not - Team Edition
    WHO'S HOT
    1. SiPS - whether it be their first team or their reserve, in domestic football, these guys have been impossible to stop this season.
    2. SpVgg Ubb - what are these guys doing in the Kolmonen? Honestly, outscoring your opposition 45-0 in seven matches is a good indication that you're too good for the league you're in.
    3. Severstal Cherepovets - have yet to allow a goal in Kakkonen play.
    4. TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky - like SpVgg Ubb, but with four fewer goals and in an easier division.
    5. Sokol Sernur - another Kolmonen team on a wicked hot-streak.
    Honourable Mentions - Khalmer-Yu Town (The Little Team That Could) and YugraMash Kogalym (best team in the Nelonen and then some!)
    WHO'S NOT
    1. Lokomotiv Kotlas - Pathetic club is pathetic. Seriously, with how they've been playing they should be in the Kolmonen.
    2. Arsenal Syktyvkar - 1 goal in 7 games? If you're in the Kakkonen, you should be doing better than that!
    3. Kolos Maiskiy - I suppose Petteri Vahalahti was right when he said these guys play ugly football. 1 goal for, 24 against in 7 games.
    4. FK Inta - very little in the way of improvement. Then again, they haven't given away nearly as much since they shipped Rybin to the reserve team.
    5. Fanershchik Uralskiy - only ahead of Kolos Maiskiy by two goals in either column. Still a rather awful performance.
  16. Uralica
    Lamuella brought this up in the \m/ Announcement thread, and I thought it was too good an idea to not run with
    Lam actually had four ideas, but one was kinda implied by the thread it was in
    So what are your ideas? What would be a sure sign, in your mind, that Planet Bob was soon to come to an end?
    Total list:
    *\m/ stopping tech-raiding (which has happened, sort of. They've only suspended it.)
    *GPA declaring on someone for no reason
    *RV joining GOONS
    *that OOC thing about Norway and NordReich
    *Jarkko ever attacking a legit CCC member.
    *lebubu joining TOOL
    *Starfox joining Polaris
    *King Penchuk joining TSO
    *
    *The Ordinance of Order being canceled. (Been done)
    *The Sovereignty Pact being canceled.
    *The Harmlins Accords being canceled.
    *wickedj having friends. (He has friends )
    *MK merging into GDA.
    Keep heckling out of this. "Impossible" situations only, please.
  17. Uralica
    Top Stories
    City Assessment Complete
    SYKTYVKAR - well, it's finally done. After sifting through all 113 applicants for city status, the Uralican Tribal Board has again made a decision concerning who does and does not obtain city status on 1 May 2010. Most cities in the published list of non-cuts that was done nine days ago were cleared. The number of cities in Uralica now sits at 173, nearly double what it was before. Although these are rounded to the nearest five hundred, the following lists are in order of population. The smallest city in Uralica is now officially Igrim, whose population is barely over twenty thousand people, at 20 078 officially.
    APPROVED (with census population data):
    Sysert, Southeast Uralica - 120 000
    Aramil, Southeast Uralica - 67 000
    Raduzhnyy, Yugra - 67 000
    Tavda, Southeast Uralica - 60 000
    Lyantor, Yugra - 60 000
    Dobryanka, Permski Rayon - 53 000
    Rezh, Southeast Uralica - 52 500
    Urai, Yugra - 50 000
    Muravlenko, Yamalia - 48 500
    Pazhga, Mennoland - 45 000
    Tráty, Komiland - 43 000
    Vuktyl, Central Uralica - 42 000
    Artyomovsky, Southeast Uralica - 42 000
    Gubakha, Permski Rayon - 41 500
    Osa, Permski Rayon - 41 500
    Shumerlya, Chuvashia - 41 000
    Onega, Northwest Uralica - 41 000
    Käkshär, Kirovski Rayon - 40 000
    Naryan-Mar, Nenetsia-North Uralica - 40 000
    Nyandoma, Northwest Uralica - 39 500
    Hiipinä, Sapmi - 39 500
    Kostamus, Karelia - 39 000
    Kuiksk, Yugra - 39 000
    Kizel, Permski Rayon - 37 000
    Kamyshlov, Southeast Uralica - 37 000
    Käkisalmi, Karelia - 36 000
    Orlov, Kirovski Rayon - 35 000
    Zarechnyy, Southeast Uralica - 35 000
    Igra, Udmurtiya North - 35 000
    Vereshchagino, Permski Rayon - 34 000
    Nizhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica - 34 000
    Öskölömi, Central Uralica - 32 000
    Talka-Salya, Yamalia - 32 000
    Mikun', Komiland - 31 500
    Konosha, Woodlands - 31 000
    Sortavala, Karelia - 30 000
    Gubkinsky, Yamalia - 30 000
    Aleksandrovsk, Permski Rayon - 29 500
    Nytva, Permski Rayon - 29 000
    Ägerce, Udmurtiya South - 29 000
    Kouteri, Sapmi - 28 500
    Karhumägi, Karelia - 28 000
    Chetyrgoroda, Yugra - 28 000
    Enso, Karelia - 27 000
    Uva, Udmurtia South - 27 000
    Emva, Komiland - 26 500
    Krasnovishersk, Permski Rayon - 26 500
    Beloyarsky, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Nizhnyaya Salda, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Turinsk, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Balezino, Udmurtiya North - 26 000
    Sernur, Mari El - 25 500
    Usolye, Solikamsk-Berezniki - 25 000
    Talitsa, Southeast Uralica - 25 000
    Gryazovets, West Uralica - 25 000
    Lashma, Mordoviya - 24 500
    Zheshart, Komiland - 24 000
    Kizner, Udmurtiya South - 24 000
    Ilyuchinsk, Yugra - 24 000
    Usovuori, Northwest Uralica - 23 500
    Troitsko-Pechorsk, Central Uralica - 23 000
    Tsivilsk, Chuvashia - 23 000
    Ochyor, Permski Rayon - 23 000
    Kuálõk, Sapmi - 23 000
    Verkhny Tagil, Southeast Uralica - 23 000
    Sheksna, West Uralica - 22 500
    Kargopol, Northwest Uralica - 22 000
    Murmashi, Sapmi - 22 000
    Plesetsk, Northwest Uralica - 21 500
    Degtyarsk, Southeast Uralica - 21 500
    Vienankemi, Karelia - 21 000
    Maskasola, Mari El - 21 000
    Sentervorri, Chuvashia - 20 500
    Polar Dawns, Sapmi - 20 500
    Vytegra, West Uralica - 20 500
    Krasnoslobodsk, Mordoviya - 20 000
    Kolosjoki, Sapmi - 20 000
    Baranchinsky, Southeast Uralica - 20 000
    Igrim, Yugra - 20 000
    REJECTED (with census data and reasoning):
    Severnyy Beloyarsky, Yugra - 32 000, insufficient infrastructure
    Olenegorsk, Sapmi - 30 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Zapolyarny, Sapmi - 26 500, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Snezhnogorsk, Sapmi - 25 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Nizhnesortymskiy, Yugra - 24 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district, not enough music schools, insufficient infrastructure
    Polyarny, Sapmi - 23 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Pokachi, Yugra - 23 000, no campus of SCU
    Provoi, Mari El - 22 000, insufficient infrastructure
    Reftinsky, Southeast Uralica - 20 500, no campus of SCU
    Gornozavodsk, Permski Rayon - 20 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient infrastructure
    Bisert, Southeast Uralica - 20 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Salomäk-Ola, Mari El - 19 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Gadzhiyevo, Sapmi - 19 000, too small, not enough music schools, no campus of SCU
    Verkhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica - 19 000, too small (joint SCU campus with Krasnouralsk should it attain city status)
    Gremyachinsk, Permski Rayon - 18 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Arti, Southeast Uralica - 18 500, too small, insufficient commercial district, no campus of SCU
    Kambarka, Udmurtiya South - 18 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Pitkäranta, Karelia - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Chad, Permski Rayon - 18 000, too small, insufficient infrastructure
    Zaozyorsk, Sapmi - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Kimcheng, West Uralica - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Ustyansk (form. Oktyabrsky), Northwest Uralica - 17 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Kuyeda, Permsky Rayon - 17 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Bulanash, Southeast Uralica - 17 000, too small (joint SCU campus with Artyomovsky should it attain city status)
    Barda, Permski Rayon - 16 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Volchansk, East Uralica - 16 500, too small, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Mezhdurechenskyy, Yugra - 16 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Kükeś, Chuvashia - 15 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Nizhniye Sergi, Southeast Uralica - 15 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Vojatsu, Karelia - 15 000, too small
    Vurnary, Chuvashia - 14 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Pyshma, Southeast Uralica - 14 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Izyayu-Kozhva, Pechora - 12 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Uralica Ready To Pay Up - Didriksen
    VORKUTA - Bring on the assignments, says Ulrike Didriksen.
    The Mennonite has been working feverishly for the last couple weeks to make sure all is ready to roll in the ERHDC's "Special Committee Concerning The Payment Of Reparations To Nemesis And Others." Originally, Uralica had intended to pay reparations to Monos Archein as well, however, a change in the system meant that the Uralicans' money and supplies will be headed primarily to the Nemesis alliance.
    "We've been ready to pay up for a while now," said Didriksen in a recent interview. "We're waiting for the order from TOOL Finance. Having twice our TOOL-required war chest means more giving is possible. But don't get any funny ideas. We're prepared for other things as well, if you catch my drift."
    Greater Lacedaemon Praised
    SYKTYVKAR - The Blood Brothers alliance is a protectorate of The Order Of Light, the alliance Uralica belongs to.
    But one Blood Brother nation has helped TOOL protect itself, twice over.
    Due to the existing rules of combat, some nations are small enough that rogue nations such as Land Of The Last and Shadowblade can attack them and not fear significant reprisal, or so they thought. Land Of The Last was counterattacked by TOOL nation Chimpton, an attack that was semi-expected. But completely unexpected by the aggressor of the conflict was the entrance of the small-yet-heroic nation of Greater Lacedaemon. The extra firepower was enough to force the member of the 4-nation alliance, "The Overlord's Hand," to peace out.
    More recently, an alliance-of-one, Shadowblade of "ICON," took it upon itself to attack Defcon, a lower-level TOOL nation. Coming to Defcon's aid, sure enough, was Greater Lacedaemon's armed forces. Supplementing this was a unanimously-approved ERHDC aid package from Uralica.
    Jarkko Salomäki publicly praised both the nation and its ruler Machanidas for its willingness to help, in a press conference he called yesterday afternoon.
    "The actions of Greater Lacedaemon defy definition," he said. "The Defconian army has told me that the Lacedaemonite soldier is the epitome of what a soldier should be - strong in the face of adversity, gentle with the friendly civilian, and placing the success of the team and the welfare of the defended above his own life. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. The fact that that nation has already come to our assistance twice should speak for itself. If Uralican award rules allowed it, I'd give the whole nation the Kunnianmitali! Machanidas deserves any plaudits he gets, too. He is a strong leader of sound moral character."
    Uralican News
    Lesnoy, Nizhnyaya Tura To Merge
    NIZHNYAYA TURA - It is expected that, at the beginning of July, the twin cities of Lesnoy and Nizhnyaya Tura in Southeast Uralica are going to become a single body, keeping the municipal hall of the former, but the name of the latter. Dr. Vlasi Malenkov, a long-time member of the Uralican government, was quick to explain this in an interview.
    "The people of Lesnoy wanted to shake the negative impression people got of the city due to its former status as a closed town within Old Russia. Nizhnyaya Tura as you know is practically one with Lesnoy anyway, so I can't see why it wouldn't work. Anyway, the two cities had referenda, and both came out with the same end result - an official merger will take place on 2 July 2010."
    Music
    "The Pelastus Experience" Sells Out Filharmonia Three Times Over... Within A Day!
    SYKTYVKAR - When Pelastus decided to put on a show alongside the Uralican Symphony Orchestra, they had no idea of the reception they would get. All three of their original booked shows, on 30 April and 1 and 2 May 2010, sold out within 12 hours of first going on sale.
    "Apparently we made a few fans at Eastertime," frontman Matti Pitkänen joked. "But it's awesome that people see that when you put metal and classical music together, you get something even better. We're actually pondering going to the studio with these guys and recording a symphonic album. Maybe coming up with some new stuff too. Tanne [Kangur, Pelastus' bassist] wanted us to do some classical works that involved a full metal ensemble, too, so we'll talk to Sirkka Numminen and Ruslan Kamyshin about that and see if they're game for it."
    The series of shows, called "The Pelastus Experience," has now been bolstered from three days to nine. Furthermore, several filming companies from Uralica and abroad have agreed to film all nine days' worth of music.
    Education
    Second Annual School Rankings Released
    ÖSKÖLÖMI - Uralica released its yearly ranking of its well-funded education system, which was marked by a standardised test done by all grades from 4-13 (measuring mathematic, writing, linguistic, and critical thinking skills), percentage of Grade 12s who remain in school for Grade 13, average marks on national exams in various subjects, student progress reports done by the teachers, and teacher progress reports done by the principals in the case of primary schools.
    "Let's let the facts speak for themselves," said education kingpin Ovdey Shlomov. "Even the worst Uralican schools are solid when stacked up against mid-range schools from other nations. But we have released the top 50 in each age category and 'pay class' (that is, the distinguishment between public and private) to the public. And there are some public schools that would make most nations' private schools jealous!"
    The results of this year's assessment will be posted at www.uraledu.edu.ur.
  18. Uralica
    Top Stories
    113 Settlements Apply For City Status; 22 Already Rejected
    SYKTYVKAR - On Monday, an article was posted about the fact that the Uralican Tribal Council felt "swamped" by towns applying for city status. However, we did not yet know the full extent of this, until yesterday, when Council representative Meri Vanhanen brought a digest of statistics to us.
    A grand total of 113 settlements applied for city status, which is more settlements than the number that already has it (there are 94 official cities in Uralica).
    Upon review of census data, 22 of these were struck from the eligibility list immediately, but will still have inspections done for the sake of improvement and preparedness:
    (these are all rounded to the nearest 500 [OOC]because I'm using the CNRP X1000 rule, remember [/OOC])
    Salomäk-Osh, Mari El - 19 000 people
    Gadzhiyevo, Sapmi - 19 000 people
    Verkhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica - 19 000 people
    Gremyachinsk, Permski Rayon - 18 500 people
    Arti, Southeast Uralica - 18 500 people
    Kambarka, Udmurtiya South - 18 500 people
    Pitkäranta, Karelia - 18 000 people
    Chad, Permski Rayon (form. Oktyabrsky) - 18 000 people
    Zaozyorsk, Sapmi - 18 000 people
    Kimcheng, West Uralica - 18 000 people
    Ustyansk, Northwest Uralica (form. Oktyabrsky) - 17 500 people
    Kuyeda, Permski Rayon - 17 000 people
    Bulanash, Southeast Uralica - 17 000 people
    Barda, Permski Rayon - 16 500 people
    Volchansk, East Uralica - 16 500 people
    Mezhdurechenskyy, Yugra - 16 000 people
    Kükeś, Chuvashia (formerly Kugesi) - 15 500 people
    Nizhniye Sergi, Southeast Uralica - 15 500 people
    Vojatsu, Karelia - 15 000 people
    Vurnary, Chuvashia - 14 000 people
    Pyshma, Southeast Uralica - 14 000 people
    Izyayu-Kozhva, Pechora - 12 000 people
    (Izyayu-Kozhva is a breakaway settlement from the city of Pechora.)
    The remaining 91 settlements range in size from 20 000 residents (the minimum) to a staggering 120 000 in the case of Sysert, Southeast Uralica, which is feeling the effects of a rapidly growing Greater Yekaterinburg. Around one in five Uralicans lives within 50 kilometres of Uralica's largest city (over nine and a half million people), and Sysert happens to fall on the fringes of that prosperous mass conurbation. The town (currently) of Aramil is also a benefactor of the population surge. A case study of the area is being done by a team of UDN journalists, and will be published when it is completed.
    There is further news on the renaming requests put in by ten Uralican cities as well. Vanhanen told us that all but one was accepted, with the lone exception being Krasnoslobodsk - the reasoning for this is that, while the change was forwarded on behalf of Erzya-speakers within Krasnoslobodsk, the large majority of the Mordvinic population in that city speaks Moksha, and the Moksha name for the city is "Krasnoslobodskyai."
    Meri did have a chuckle at the fact Jarkko Salomäki was irked that his name was not removed from the city name of Yarkosky, now Salomäk-Ola, in Mari El.
    See also: List Of Applicants That Weren't Turned Down, B2
    With War Mostly Over, Uralicans, ERHDC Prepare To Pay Reparations
    VORKUTA - Does Ulrike Didriksen ever take a day off?
    The busybodied Mennonite was in her office in Vorkuta yesterday, co-ordinating ERHDC hubs by phone and e-mail with such focus that she would not speak to UDN reporters. The reason, they were told, is that there is a major shift coming in the direction of Uralican money and supplies.
    This was backed up by an increase in activity in the cargo sections of many of Uralica's international airports, from the massive Kirov International Airport to the humble Pechora International Airport, to Uralica's newest international airport in Chernushka. Several of Uralica's road-based ERHDC hubs were also buzzing with activity, as all ERHDC road-based reparations carriers are escorted by military to their destination to avoid interception. Because of the importance of their mission, the elite Mindphaser Division will be thoroughly involved in the escort of reparation supplies to their destination, while the money will be transported by agents of the Uralikan Valkoilunvirasto.
    (OOC Aside: Think Secret Service meets MI6.)
    The aide did joke that she shuddered to think what the ERHDC's long-distance bills would be if not for the fact that Uralica Telekom gives charity organisations and military organisations (of which the ERHDC is technically both) free long-distance.
    Disaster Narrowly Averted Thanks To Fire Department Punctuality
    SEVEROMORSK - A plant specialising in chemical fertiliser production in the city of Severomorsk, and every building within four blocks of it, had to be evacuated Tuesday because of a machinery malfunction that triggered a small explosion. The resulting fire prompted a factory official to sound the fire alarm and call the fire department, as it was close to far more explosive material.
    The Severomorsk Fire Department's quick action prevented any further damage, however the factory will be shut down for an undisclosed period of time so the malfunctioning machinery can be inspected and either fixed or replaced.
    An official statement released by Severomineralnik, the company that owns the factory, before press time today, praised the fire department for the quick response while asserting a commitment to making sure such an accident never occurs again.
    "We are going to be as thorough as necessary about it," a representative said. "And workers need not worry about not getting compensated by the company. It's not their fault a machine screwed up, and it's a Uralican habit to keep a substantial emergency fund handy in case something like this happens. Thankfully, the worst injury out of this was a first-degree burn. It could have been much worse. The officers of the Severomorsk Fire Department are true heroes."
    Uralican News
    List Of City Applicants That Didn't Get Cut
    The following is a comprehensive list of cities that were not immediately cut from the eligibility list for city status on account of being under a population of 20,000. There are 90 of these. (Dobryanka's municipal board bumblingly sent their proposed charter twice!)
    Sysert, Southeast Uralica
    Aramil, Southeast Uralica
    Raduzhnyy, Yugra
    Tavda, Southeast Uralica
    Lyantor, Yugra
    Dobryanka, Permski Rayon
    Rezh, Southeast Uralica
    Urai, Yugra
    Muravlenko, Yamalia
    Pazhga, Mennoland
    Tráty, Komiland
    Vuktyl, Central Uralica
    Artyomovsky, Southeast Uralica
    Gubakha, Permski Rayon
    Osa, Permski Rayon
    Shumerlya, Chuvashia
    Onega, Northwest Uralica
    Käkshär, Kirovski Rayon
    Naryan-Mar, Nenetsia-North Uralica
    Nyandoma, Northwest Uralica
    Hiipinä, Sapmi
    Kostamus, Karelia
    Kuiksk, Yugra
    Kizel, Permski Rayon
    Kamyshlov, Southeast Uralica
    Käkisalmi, Karelia
    Orlov, Kirovski Rayon
    Zarechnyy, Southeast Uralica
    Igra, Udmurtiya North
    Vereshchagino, Permski Rayon
    Nizhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica
    Öskölömi, Central Uralica
    Talka-Salya, Yamalia
    Severnyy Beloyarsky, Yugra
    Mikun', Komiland
    Konosha, Woodlands
    Sortavala, Karelia
    Olenegorsk, Sapmi
    Gubkinsky, Yamalia
    Aleksandrovsk, Permski Rayon
    Nytva, Permski Rayon
    Ägerce, Udmurtiya South (correction from Monday - there is no cedilla on the C)
    Kouteri, Sapmi
    Karhumägi, Karelia
    Chetyrgoroda, Yugra
    Enso, Karelia
    Uva, Udmurtia South
    Emva, Komiland
    Krasnovishersk, Permski Rayon
    Zapolyarny, Sapmi
    Beloyarsky, Southeast Uralica
    Nizhnyaya Salda, Southeast Uralica
    Turinsk, Southeast Uralica
    Balezino, Udmurtiya North
    Sernur, Mari El
    Snezhnogorsk, Sapmi
    Usolye, Solikamsk-Berezniki
    Talitsa, Southeast Uralica
    Gryazovets, West Uralica
    Lashma, Mordoviya
    Zheshart, Komiland
    Kizner, Udmurtiya South
    Ilyuchinsk, Yugra
    Nizhnesortymskiy, Yugra
    Usovuori, Northwest Uralica
    Troitsko-Pechorsk, Central Uralica
    Tsivilsk, Chuvashia
    Ochyor, Permski Rayon
    Kuálõk, Sapmi
    Polyarny, Sapmi
    Verkhny Tagil, Southeast Uralica
    Pokachi, Yugra
    Sheksna, West Uralica
    Provoi, Mari El
    Kargopol, Northwest Uralica
    Murmashi, Sapmi
    Plesetsk, Northwest Uralica
    Degtyarsk, Southeast Uralica
    Vienankemi, Karelia
    Maskasola, Mari El
    Sentervorri, Chuvashia
    Polar Dawns, Sapmi
    Reftinsky, Southeast Uralica
    Vytegra, West Uralica
    Krasnoslobodsk, Mordoviya
    Gornozavodsk, Permski Rayon
    Kolosjoki, Sapmi
    Baranchinsky, Southeast Uralica
    Bisert, Southeast Uralica
    Igrim, Yugra
    Population will be listed upon completion of the assessment.
    Music
    Numminen's Tenth Making Big Impressions Amongst Christians
    CHAYKOVSKY - The fountainhead that is Sirkka Numminen keeps on rolling out classical music - in an interview in Chaykovsky yesterday, she said that she was almost ready to get her next piece published, which is going to be a scherzo for solo piano.
    But this latest scherzo, her hundred twenty-fourth, is most likely going to be overshadowed by last month's release - her 10th Symphony in F Major, called "Kristus, Pelastajani," or "Jesus, My Redeemer." Although hardly her first religious work, this particular piece is striking chords with many Christians globally due to its transition between warm, gentle sections with solos on french horn and cor anglais, to frenetic metal guitar solos (artfully played by Pelastus virtuoso Lauri Sinisalo) backed up by impassioned strings and haunting brass combinations, to a triumphant trumpet-driven finale - according to Numminen, this is designed to give testimony to various attributes of Jesus Christ.
    "Sometimes I wonder if she's a mere human," said Jarkko Salomäki of her. "And there is no question that this piece is divinely inspired. I thoroughly enjoyed both listening to and playing it. I kinda like how she stuck a nice bass clarinet solo in that fifth part, too!"
    In terms of orchestration, it is Numminen's largest piece, written specifically for the Uralican Symphony Orchestra's larger repertoire of instruments. Aside from a typical symphonic setup, there are also parts for metal lead guitar, balalaika, electric keyboard, light organ, and celesta (which is best known as the instrument used in the Nutcracker Suite to give The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy its distinctive sound. But she says she's already started on an even bigger symphony that will further push the limits of orchestral size. Honestly, I don't think there's a person in Uralica who wants to miss that!
    Konduktor Giving Uralican Rock Fans More Than They Bargained For
    PAZHGA - Well, it seems Pazhga's favourite "bunch of tools" is back in action in a big way.
    Konduktor, probably best known for their dark sound and sometimes-kooky lyrics (no one else in this country would pen a song called "NO U!"), had their breakout album released in 2009, titled "Yes, We're A Bunch Of Tools." And what better a way to follow that up than with another album with a few goofy tracks on it? "More Than You Bargained For" was released Monday to great enthusiasm from Uralican rock fans, and some critics say the name is rather fitting.
    "I've noticed the band's musicianship has improved quite a bit since their last album, but fortunately, this doesn't mean they've lost their artistic integrity, or their sense of humour," said one critic, Yulya Antsyforova, of the foursome. "This album really is more than the average Konduktor fan bargained for. I think that "Good Job, Genius" is my favourite song on the album, because it's so blunt that it's funny."
    In spite of the advance single being the more serious "Meatgrinder," written about nations that get persistently hounded in spite of having done nothing wrong, the release-accompanying single is the slightly more humorous "Let's Not (And Say We Did)," a song Jarkko Salomäki says he loves.
    "I love that song. It's so funny... and kinda true too. I s'pose trying to get people to not be such marshmallows and doing it in a humorous manner is a good thing, eh?"
  19. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Easter Celebrations Fill The Streets
    By TOOL Tourism's Petr Hrdlicek
    SYKTYVKAR - Who would have thought that Easter would be so rambunctious?
    Yesterday proved to be one of the most amazing times I've ever had. Most years it's just a bunch of kids scrambling around looking for chocolate, then after that, they're back to their daily routines the next day.
    But then there's Uralica. This is being written both for publishing in their newspaper, and for TOOL Tourism Monthly, and for those who don't know, in Uralica, 92% of the people are some form of Christian, with the remaining 8% being almost completely Jewish.
    I decided to come to Uralica last June, in the aftermath of the Karma War, to get a feeling for what makes Uralicans tick. Well, I suppose I found the answer to that out today! Uralican Easter (which follows the Western date to avoid confusion and streamline work stuff) is an experience unlike any other Easter I've experienced in the world, and trust me, I've been to a lot of different places.
    The preparation for the celebrations starts on Palm Sunday, for crying out loud! I mean sure, there are the Good Friday services in all Christian denominations, and the Maundy Thursday celebrations for the Catholics. But Easter... well, those Uralicans really pull out all the stops!
    A neat tradition they have in Uralica is, they have a man and a woman - usually a married couple or brother and sister - sleep in the church overnight on Saturday, and get up before sunrise on Sunday, so that when the sun rises, they can ring the bells as loudly and frequently as possible. Given the variable times of sunrise, this can prove quite interesting! Personally, I heard the bells going off at 7:20 this morning here in Syktyvkar. And were they ever loud. All you could hear for five minutes straight was a bunch of clanging bells, and one could hear bells from as close as the nearby Uralic Cultural Centre (which has four churches on its property) and as far away as the gigantic Church of the Resurrection in Pazhga, which is a few minutes' drive to the south.
    Speaking of the Church of the Resurrection, that's where I headed for the morning service. I went there for 8:30 AM so I could actually get into the absolutely breathtaking church, and not have to sit outside and watch the service on the big screens they had set up - it was to be an ecumenical service, which is only natural considering it is the most important Christian holiday, and that means the church would surely be bursting at the seems. Turns out I was right. By the time the service started at 10AM, they had set up extra TVs and Communion altars in the parking lot! The road this church is on, Giesbrecht Avenue, actually had to be closed so it could be converted into a de facto parking lot. That's how packed it was on that property.
    That didn't stop thousands of worshippers from belting out their favourite Easter standards, ranging from Russian Vespers chants to modern choruses, in four different languages! Seriously, I was able to keep up with the English and Russian songs quite fine because of my Slovak heritage, but Finnish and Plautdietsch... not so much.
    There were actually three preachers on hand. Archbishop Tamás Fehérvari and Metropolitan Nikolay Kosov were decked out in their traditional robes, while Dr. Matti Koppinen (President of the Uralican Evangelical Baptist Church, among many other things) and Dr. Markus Wender (Head of the Uralican Mennonite Brotherhood) were there in suit and tie. And it was an all-around beautiful service. Man, can that Koppinen preach or what? I'm not actually Christian, but I'm kinda thinking about that after this service.
    So what happened after the service finally ended at around 12:30PM? Well, I was invited by His Grace Tamás to stay and have lunch. I obliged of course, and the work that these people did to set up such a huge lunch for the community is out of this world. I'm guessing that the regular members and adherents of this church (according to Koppinen, there's a difference between the two) were all involved. You would see everyone from the preteens to the septegenarians helping the catering services set up tables, move food around, get the barbecues set up... it was very inspiring.
    We said Grace at 1PM then sat down for our Easter Lunch. I notice this huge guy sits down next to me, so I look, then I take a second look, and who else but Jarkko Salomäki, the Chief himself, is sitting next to me! So we get to talking about Easter, and he said that there was still plenty left to happen, that a typical Uralican Easter celebration went very late into the night. He himself was going to head back into Sytkyvkar for a concert. So I'm like, "concert? On Easter?" Turns out this is standard fare for Uralicans. Free concerts, fireworks, open houses, you name it! Turns out he wasn't talking about his EBM band, Bane of the Machine, and rather, was talking about the Uralican Symphony Orchestra, which was joining some Christian bands for a little musical revelry.
    I showed up expecting a bunch of random classical music followed by some corny, stereotypical Christian soft-rock. Boy was I wrong. Specifically-written pieces penned by Uralica's finest classical composers mingled with Christian death/thrash metal and post-grunge? I was blown out of my seat. One minute I can't take my eyes off of Zuzana Nemtsova (her mere existence is support for the existence of God), and the next I jump about fifty feet out of my seat with the opening riffs of this song called "My Salvation" by this band called Pelastus, whom I'm told is the best-selling Christian band of any sort in the entire Robertian Era. Doesn't surprise me - you should see the musicianship these guys have developed. It's not a case of guitars tuned so low you barely register the sound as music, but of intricately crafted, dare I say Bachesque harmonies with solos so fast you wonder if a higher power gave Lauri Sinisalo the ability to slow down time just to make his fingers go so fast!
    Then of course I spot the Pelastus bassist (I later find out his name is Tanne Kangur) trading his electric bass for a bowed bass to play a string quintet. "No wonder they're such great musicians," I thought. "They play classical stuff too!" Turns out they're all BMus students at the vaunted Uralikan Yliopisto. Their singer/rhythm guitarist, Matti Pitkänen, is a composition major with "a minor in metal guitar," which is actually legit, believe it or not. Tanne is a double performance major in electric bass and double bass. Drummer Jarno Mäkelä, who easily has the fastest feet I've ever seen, is a drums-and-percussion performance major. He's actually pretty adept with a xylophone, which I found out on this one classical number they did. Samppa Niskanen is an amazing piano player. He did this piece last night by Sirkka Numminen's other half, Martin Kosk, and it actually sounded kinda cool for a classical piano piece. Finally, there's Lauri, who not surprisingly, is a guitar major, twice over (classical and metal, y'know?)
    Enough rambling about their musicianship though, since the Uralicans probably already know this. The concert went on for a while, long enough that there were actually two intermissions - after starting at 1:45, the first intermission was at 3PM and the second at 5PM. The show ended at 6:30 with a glorious performance of Numminen's Tenth Symphony - this was actually only its second performance, with the first being on Constitution Day a couple weeks ago.
    After it was finally over, the crowd gave all the musicians a standing ovation, and they really deserved it. I was getting kinda hungry, though, so I headed to the nearest Vsevolod's and got myself a nice juicy steak with a baked potato and green beans imported from Jarkko Salomäki's old homeland. After I had finished, I was randomly invited by a couple of the locals to go downtown. One thought crossed my mind. Fireworks display.
    But there was more to it than that. There was also a nighttime parade, as the sun had not yet set, nor would it until around 8:30PM. The fireworks displays started just as the sun was setting, and kept up until 11PM or so. Of course, I wasn't in the same place for the whole time. After an hour on Syktyvkar's main street, just down from the Council Chambers, I thought I'd go check out the UCC and what it had going on. It turned out to be something of a zoo. If you aren't from Uralica, you wouldn't expect the kind of partying that goes on at Eastertime - it's loud, it's rambunctious, but at the same time it is very orderly. Police are out, but if anyone causes trouble, it's usually not an actual Uralican.
    Anyway, I went back to my hotel room, completely exhausted from all the dancing I did at the Cultural Centre, and hit the hay around midnight. And there was still partying going on! Do these people ever sleep?
    Well, that's my spiel.
    Tribal Council "Swamped" By City Status Requests
    SYKTYVKAR - Vaido Kuik was very blunt when asked about the city assessment that was supposed to be completed on 1 April 2010.
    "Yeah, about that," he said, sheepishly. "We weren't expecting to get swamped like we have been. I mean seriously, we've received around eighty applications for city status. Some are automatic writeoffs because of census population, but there are plenty that deserve an honest look, and it's just going to take more time than we anticipated."
    He is not making any promises as to when the status and charter reviews will be done, although he is hopeful that this will come soon.
    "I've set a goal to have this done by the 20th of this month, although I'm hoping sooner," the Estonian said, adding a joke afterward. "Jarkko will probably have my neck in a wringer if I don't have it done by 1 May!"
    When asked if there are any towns that are locks for city status, he had this to offer:
    "No one is 100% certain yet," he said. "However, there are some that there's a really good chance for. A few of the cities in the cut list of the first assessment have grown so much that they are pretty much going through the motions. Look at Trakt for example. It didn't even have a thousand people before Uralica was founded. Now it's a booming mining city of around forty thousand with a very distinct Hungarian flavour."
    There are also a few settlements that have applied for name changes. Although many settlements still retain Russian nomenclature, there has been a process of "Uralicisation" going on in the country since its formation - the first example of this was the changing of the offical name of Vakhrushi to Vaahruše.
    Name Change Applicants
    (Original name first, then desired change)
    Kovdor, SPM - Kouteri (Finnish)
    Trakt, KOM - Tráty (Hungarian)
    Kostomuksha, KAR - Kostamus (Karelian/Finnish)
    Agryz, UDS - Ägerçe (Tatar)
    Yarkosky, MAR - Salomäk-Ola (Eastern Mari)
    Kugesi, CHV - Kükeś (Chuvash)
    Medvedevo, MAR - Maskasola (Eastern Mari)
    Paranga, MAR - Porancha (Eastern Mari)
    Krasnoslobodsk, MDV - Yaksterekuro (Erzya)
    Tarko-Sale, YAM - Talka-Salya (Nenets)
    Regarding the actual application process, Vaido admitted that not all applicants seek to be admitted on their first go.
    "We actually saw this trend start with Troitsko-Pechorsk in the first assessment back in the Fall of 2009, where they applied when they only had ten thousand people living there. Of course we require twenty thousand minimum in the census for city status. So you ask yourself, 'Why the heck do they?' Well, the municipal boards of some cities think the money is worth it for knowing what they need to be deemed a city. Also, some of the things the inspectors point out have multiple applications. If there is something needing improvement and that is told to the municipal board, they can ask advice on how to fix it properly. And they have. We've actually seen some pretty low-population towns apply so far. I think Vlasi [Malenkov] said he spotted a city in there whose census figures were only around twelve thousand people."
    A complete list is expected to be released later in the week.
    Sports
    Sorokin: "I'm Cleaning House Come June"
    A furious Milan Sorokin was helpless to do anything to stop the utter massacre of his FK Inta side at the hands of red-hot SiPS. 10-0 was the final score, leaving Sorokin, FK Inta's manager, to lay into his players after the match finished.
    "We've played horrendous football since last season," he said. "We should be in the Kolmonen with how we've been playing, and enough is enough. I told them, either they need to smarten up, or I'll end up gutting the team if I'm still around in June. And mark my words, if we don't see improvement, I am going to clean house when the transfer window opens up. Losing 3-0 or 4-0 to SiPS isn't really an issue. They are the best team in Uralica after all. But 10-0? I know Kakkonen teams who have done better than that against them!"
    All three Inta substitutions were used in the lopsided affair, to pull players who were glaringly bad. Shellshocked goalkeeper Vyacheslav Tikhonov was the last of these, after allowing eight goals on as many shots. Naturally, he was furious with his defence, who accounted for the two other substitutions.
    "All but one of the goals I let in were on breakaways," he said. "Now you tell me, don't even the best goalkeepers struggle against breakaways? So why, then, does the defence make a habit of giving them away?"
    He was reported to have had a discussion with the manager during the half-time break, after the team talk, asking Sorokin to bench defender Moroz Rybin, who leads all Bolakliiga players in giveaways. Not surprisingly, Sorokin has announced that Rybin will be sent down to the reserves in the Nelonen in favour of Lanssi Möttölä, who in spite of Inta Reserves' almost-as-dismal record, has been twice named to the Nelonen H1 Team of the Week.
    In the win, SiPS forward Joni Rasimus scored six goals and attained two assists, and mids Raimo Suominen (1G 4A) and Jukka Tenhola (2G 3A) both managed 5-point games.
    In other news, Keijo Karjalainen continued his goal-scoring streak with a beautiful chip-in goal and Miron Smertin bagged two in a 3-0 Zavod Ural Solikamsk win over Spartak Ukhta - a match manager Dmitry Makarov said was "the best football [he'd] ever seen the team play." Of equal note is the fact that former table-leaders Dinamo Arkhangel'sk were beat in an exciting 2-1 nailbiter against determined Telekom Pazhga.
  20. Uralica
    I've been thinking lately, and I haven't taken the time to thank the people who have helped me out with my Wiki projects, whether in a big way or a small way. But they really do deserve the props. So I shall do so here.
    - The current Wiki moderating team (Michael von Prussia/Preußen, Locke, and Pikachurin) deserves a huge round of applause. All three have kept my redirects in check, helped me when I needed help, and given me pointers and ideas here and there.
    - General Mazur (wherever you are these days ) for making that soccer team infobox template.
    - Whoever made that officeholder infobox template. That thing is a God-send.
    - KeyStroke, Itsme, and Alonicus for making me flags, past and present.
    - The CCC for letting me hone my Wikiing skills as their designated Wiki editor.
    - Schattenmann for creating the Lady Athena page
  21. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Uralican Aid Train Continues To Run
    VORKUTA - Ulrike Didriksen said she's never been busier in her life, but she has no trouble with that fact.
    In co-ordination with TOOL Hand of Finance PlanckBorn and Uralican Tribal Council finance specialists Esa Miettinen and Riita Perttunen, the 45-year-old Mennonite German has been making trips by air every few days from Pazhga Regional Airport to Vaido Kuik International Airport in Vorkuta (where the ERHDC Headquarters is) to co-ordinate the dissemination of money and supplies to needy TOOL nations, as long as the aforementioned PlanckBorn wants the funds directed there and not paying off TOOL's reparations debt.
    Earlier today, five more nations were sent an aid package at the maximum amount possible for Uralica, and these nations welcomed the aid with both delight and surprise.
    "It seems charity is the exception these days," the Kunnianmitali winner said in a recent interview. "But when Ovdey [shlomov] said he wanted Uralica to be a lender to the nations, everyone in the Council took him very seriously. We've made it a prerogative to give wherever there is need, and in the aftermath of a brutal war, which for some is still ongoing, there is plenty of need to go around. The Lord calls us to give unto all those who ask, but also to go the extra mile, which in the context of the Disaster Relief branch of the ERHDC, is offering money and supplies to those that haven't necessarily asked for it."
    Music
    Uralican Spending On Music Up
    CHAYKOVSKY - With the release of several new albums in the last month and a half, Uralican music sales are at their highest, according to Vaido Kuik.
    "The music industry is now Uralica's fourth-highest grossing economic sector," the Estonian said. "Only raw materials, heavy machinery, and hi-tech make more money. It's quite amazing that for a country not too well-known, our nation has been producing way more than its share of quality music. Of course, having some of the world's finest orchestras, and the world's best heavy Christian music kinda helps that!"
    Indeed it does. Pelastus' third studio album, "Hellfire's Bane," hasn't even been out for two weeks yet and it's already gone platinum. End of Sorrows' "Master Of The Sea" is the highest-grossing Christian album released in 2010 and in the top 10 for highest-grossing post-grunge albums.
    On top of this, tens of millions of classical music albums performed by Uralican symphonies have sold around the world in the last year. The highest-selling of these is "The Masterworks of Numminen," performed by the Uralican Symphony Orchestra. This comprises five discs of Uralican Sirkka Numminen's finest work.
    Sports
    ZavU A Legitimate Contender, Says Kostamo
    PERM' - SiPS manager Teppo Kostamo was in Perm' yesterday to catch the night match between Amkar Perm' and Zavod Ural Solikamsk, and he was surprised by what he saw from the club.
    "Zavod Ural are starting to find their consistency," he said. "I mean sure, they lost to Dinamo Kirov, but that was close until right at the end when [Khavkuk] Shlomov scored his hat-trick goal. But the way they played last night against Amkar was mind-blowing. I'm starting to wonder about these guys. They're legit contenders for hardware, no question about it."
    3-1 was the final score, on the heels of a 0-0 draw against Togashire the previous day in Siberian Trophy play. Fedor Poustovoitov scored twice for ZavU with the third goal coming from new addition Keijo Karjalainen, who replaced Miron Smertin in the 70th minute. Amkar's lone goal was from attacking mid Fadey Vinogrodov.
    Saturday's matches had rendered some surprising results. FK Vorkuta's Urve Maadu stunned Dinamo Vologda by scoring a stoppage-time winner off a corner from Filip Mendeleyev (the final score was 2-1), while an amazing corner-into-net goal by Diedrik Siemens helped Telekom Pazhga exact a 1-0 measure of revenge against Kirovin JK for their defeat to the same in the Kanslerinkilpi. FK Kotlas and FK Kirov both won their first of the season (although the latter came 3-2 against a plummeting FK Inta) and Dinamo Kirov won a "breathtaking" match against Udmurtiya Izhevsk, who have come to be a legitimate rival of theirs. Khavkuk Shlomov got a goal and assisted on the winner by Estonian super-sub Anu Ilves, while Feofan Skvortsov scored for the Udmurt side.
    Dinamo Arkhangel'sk maintains its goal-differential based lead, having blown its first three opponents out by a collective score of 16-2, having faced FK Inta (7-0), FK Vorkuta (4-2), and an injury-depleted Metafraks Gubakha (5-0). Their first real test should come against Telekom Pazhga on Saturday.
  22. Uralica
    (OOC: Another late one. Got too tied up in KOTOR Will probably do another one Monday or Tuesday.)
    Top Stories
    National Research Institute Opens In Nevyansk
    NEVYANSK - Although it was an inevitability that a national research laboratory complex was going to open in Uralica, much to many people's surprise, it didn't end up being in Nizhny Tagil after all. Although the large city is considered the technology capital of Uralica, it was in the much smaller, nearby city of Nevyansk in which the Uralican National Research Institute opened its doors.
    "The purpose of this institute is strictly that of a research nature," said Dr. Ovdey Shlomov at its opening early Wednesday morning. "There are five main branches to it as well. It isn't for simple theorising, either - leave that to Uralikan Yliopisto, it is plenty large enough for that sort of thing - but what is done here is research in medical science and technology, agriculture, hi-tech, mining methods, and applied chemistry. You have to be at the top of your game to be allowed in this place."
    Several companies have invested a great deal of money in this project in spite of the fact that it is technically a public endeavour. Naturally, the big mining companies such as Bolak Corp., Magyar Independent., and Gornyak Uralica are involved, along with a great many agricultural companies, and a few Uralican medical production companies such as UralElektroMed, SeverMed, Dentex, and Uralic Compassion.
    Sports
    Who's Hot, Who's Not
    WHO'S HOT
    1. SpVgg Ubb's entire squad. After two matches, they have the second-highest goal diff in the entire Kolmonen after TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, and they weren't even expected to pull it off!
    2. Ruslan Makarov, TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky - what have they been putting in this guy's Twinkies? Let's be serious - this guy has eight goals in only two matches!
    3. Raimo Suominen, SiPS - he has established himself as a first-rate playmaker thanks to his exploits in Liga Mundo and in the Kanslerinkilpi. He kept it up this week, too!
    4. Semyon Kolarov, Fortuna Nizhny Tagil - helped get the 'Toon off to a roaring start, particularly in the last match, where he scored 4 of 5 in a 5-0 rout of Lokomotiv Kotlas.
    5. Leonid Voloshenin, Khalmer-Yu Town - there's a reason he leads the Kakkonen in assists. I think that's all I need to say ]
    Honourable mention for Gornyak Kachkanar for such a dramatic turnaround from their embarrassing performance in the Kanslerinkilpi.
    WHO'S NOT
    1. RB Moroz Rybin, FK Inta - umm... is this guy the worst defender in the Bolakliiga, or do I need to get my eyes checked? Seriously, his plays have caused more turnovers leading to goals than any player in the Bolakliiga.
    2. GK Jarno Rantanen, Lokomotiv Kotlas - worst goalkeeper in the top two tiers without question. He's nothing short of a sieve. I mean come on, even FK Inta's goalkeeper would have stopped at least two of the shots he let in against Fortuna!
    3. FK Zavyalovo's back end - I dunno. Either FKZ's the worst team in the entire UJPL (statistically, they are) or they've just caught teams that are way out of their league. I hope the team can be content with being Vitonen pioneers, because if their defence and goalkeeping doesn't improve drastically, that's what they'll be.
    4. Kolos Maiskiy's entire team - yeah, I know, they played a team that ought to be in the Ykkönen rather than the Kolmonen. But they could have at least scored a goal like FK Zavyalovo, or stopped some shots like Fanershchik Uralsky (who have been absolutely shelled, by the way).
    5. ST Aleksey Alborov, FK Kotlas - he's complaining that he's not getting enough playing time. Maybe if you actually put in a little more effort, you'd get it, you soft git! Only one goal in his last seven outings, spread across Bolakliiga, Kanslerinkilpi, and the Siberian Trophy, has this guy turning out a bench-warmer.
  23. Uralica
    Yes, you read that right. I haven't been around as long as some of the "old farts," like Slave2Jesus (jatutt) from CCC, whose fourth year in CN is marked in early May. But, it was on this day 2 years ago that I got curious about this "Cyber Nations" advertised on Fazak Studios' forum.
    (Just for the record, Fazak Studios is the project of then-MCXA member D.A.D.1, and I'm probably one of the few people who knows what D.A.D. actually stands for )
    So I made a nation and received a crapton of recruitment requests, none of which I was really that interested in, although the "How do you say anything in Uralic" message I got (forgot who it was from, except it was someone on Black team) got a chuckle out of me.
    Next day, I got a message from CCC's nate1865. I was a little suspicious at first because there was this other guy named Nate that I'd had issues with in another community, but I would eventually figure out this guy wasn't him after joining the CCC, because I figured it was the best fit for me. And it was. I spent six months in CCC, even being Minister of Defence for a month before events transpiring during the NoCB war made me resign my position due to me trying to restrain myself and giving myself a panic attack... stupid Asperger Syndrome, it is a pain in the $@! sometimes. I would stay in the alliance for a month after that, helping people out with money and tech after rebuilding myself, then on 12 September, I resigned from the alliance and went sort of rogue. I basically hit everyone involved with Rebbilon who wasn't in an alliance. And then on 19 September, I deleted.
    I come back from this AS-induced hiatus from the game in late December of 2008 due to extreme boredom caused by being snowed in by the second-snowiest, and coldest, winter in Vancouver Island history.
    Now at this time last year, I had been in TOOL for just under 3 months, and had been named Inquisitor (military command) four days prior. If you read my IC newspaper from a few days ago, you'd know I recently resigned that position after 360 days, although I wasn't demasked until a few days later.
    So you ask me, "why do you say you have been around two years?" Well, I have been in the community for two years. I stuck around IRC even when I didn't play - mostly in TOOL's, CCC's, and Polaris' channels. Two years of actual playing time will come around on 22 June of this year, which is one and a half years after I joined TOOL.
    I'm not going to go nuts with shoutouts like I did last year, but there are some people I want to mention.
    Mia - it's kinda freaky we started in CN the exact same day But hey, you've been probably the best friend I've made in this game.
    CCC - I still you guys. Always will. Even if Autokrator shoots his mouth off.
    Polaris - I may not have agreed with some of your more recent IC actions as an alliance, but OOC, you guys are awesome through and through. Although I still don't get the whole "Fallen Fail" thing.
    WickedJ - From both an IC and OOC perspective, you're probably my favourite player on "the other side" outside of CCC or Polaris. You really are a class act.
    Sargun - go climb Mount Terror already
    MrOtingocni (Kzoppistan), Ar Pharazon, Ferrous, and anyone else who reads my blog regularly - Thanks for the support. o/
    Ashoka/zog - don't lose your sense of humour. Ever. Also, I don't think CCC has gone on a crusade against the Great Whore of Babylon yet. If they did, I might be tempted to join in.
    To those I have wronged of my own accord - I've messed up so many times I've forgotten about some of them, but I'd sure feel remorseful if I found out about them. So I apologise.
    To those whom I felt have wronged me - I won't mention names, but I will say, I am trying to forgive. It's hard, but it'll come eventually.
    If I last another year in this, I'll be back here again, same Bat time, same Bat channel. Expect a newspaper tomorrow though Later!
  24. Uralica
    Second Constitution Day Celebrated With Great Fanfare
    SYKTYVKAR - Happy second birthday, Uralica.
    Revellers were out in full force yesterday (which, as a statutory holiday, meant that there was no UDN published yesterday) to celebrate Constitution Day, the day that the "Founding Fathers And Mothers" (not just the nine immortalised in bronze in Uralic Square downtown, but all thirty-one of them) signed the constitution of the Tribal State of Uralica, bringing it into existence. Each of them was on hand in Syktyvkar to commemorate the moment at noon. The thirty-one (Chief and 2 from each then-existent tribe) were:
    Jarkko Salomäki (Chief)
    Lasse Mäkelä and Meri Vanhanen (members of the Finnish Tribe)
    Olga Guznishcheva and Nikolay Shevchuk (members of the Russian Tribe)
    Riita Perttunen and Jukka Ahonen (members of the Karelian Tribe)
    Vaido Kuik and Anu Kangur (members of the Estonian Tribe)
    Kari Fisk and Raitis Kosks (members of the Livonian Tribe)
    Tarja Lapsonen and Johan Kjærhus (members of the Western Saami Tribe)
    Ipati Fedotenko and Yulya Shishkina (members of the Eastern Saami Tribe)
    Jan Merk and Helen Renzenbrink (members of the Mennonite Tribe)
    Ovdey Shlomov and Maksim Hubertov (members of the Udmurt Tribe)
    Yevgeny Kolpakov and Matvey Chugaynov (members of the Mari Tribe)
    Alexander Zyrianov and Yevstakhi Suvanov (members of the Komi Tribe)
    Yuvan Shestopalov and Maria Shestopalova (members of the Nenets Tribe)
    Elizabeta Khrushchyova and Filip Surgutin (members of the Ob Ugric Tribe)
    Semyon Kabayev and Raisa Ovechkina (members of the Mordvin Tribe)
    Patrik Golubayev and Denis Kalinin (members of the Samoyedic Tribe)
    On top of this, the "two main signees" on behalf of the Hungarians and Chuvash also partook in the commemorative event. These are Rebeka Szigete and Zoltán Molnár for the Hungarians and Akhmetkhan Gubaidulin and Marat Yardy for the Chuvash.
    After the commemoration, the Founders would end up scattering themselves all over Uralica to catch celebrations. Only Salomäki stuck around in Syktyvkar, with Kuik being spotted in Estonian-rich Vaahruše, Shlomov going to Izhevsk, the two Mennonites naturally going to Pazhga (a fifteen-minute drive away tops), Kolpakov going to Yoshkar-Ola, and an "adventurous" Shevchuk catching a flight all the way to Uralica's northernmost settlement, Belushya Guba in Novaja Zemlja.
    Parades were held in most cities during the late morning and early afternoon, although Syktyvkar was an exception to this because of the aforementioned event - their parade would kick off in the late afternoon.
    It was at night, though, that things really got festive. Fireworks displays were a common sight in all Uralican cities and a great many larger towns. Syktyvkar, Yekaterinburg, and Chaykovsky (which is the so-called "Party Capital of Uralica") had the most impressive, while Belushya Guba, a town of four thousand five hundred which is the only settlement in Novaja Zemlja, broke a world record for being the most northerly settlement in the world to do a pyrotechnic show, at 71°32'24" N by 52°19'12" E.
    "It was -30C here," said Nikolay Shevchuk about it, "but they have some pretty awesome technology that allowed the fireworks to actually go off. It was a sight to behold, and the TV stations all got it on tape, so it's all good."
    Business
    Rebuilding And Reparations Fuelling Uralican Economy To New Heights
    YEKATERINBURG - Over the last two weeks, stocks in Bolak Corp., UralTek, and several other minor companies have soared because of the demand for Uralican consumer goods and industrial materials during this time of rebuilding.
    On Wednesday, we talked to several traders at UMSX in Yekaterinburg, which is Uralica's main stock exchange.
    "Man, you should see these building technology stocks," one said. "Retrofitnik Incorporated has posted net stock value gains of over 200% since TOOL withdrew from the war. Even though not too many TOOL nations are in earthquake zones, the materials that company engineers and constructs is valuable anyway for concrete-and-steel buildings. Shopping tourism from TOOL nations is up, which is good news for our retail-only companies as well as for companies like Bolak and [Christian Sport]. And both reparations and repairs are keeping UralTek busy. With good planning, some of these companies can keep, or at least plateau, their momentum once this boom ends. Of course the folks in the big companies are already doing so. We get pamphlets about their plans all the time down here at UMSX."
    Jarno Laaksonen, a Tribal Council member, was also spotted doing business at UMSX. The outspoken Eastern Saami was all smiles.
    "I have shares in UralNav and Severomineralnik," he said. "This boom is good for business in Sapmi, I've noticed, because of the fact that our county is so reliant upon nautical technology and mineral-mining that this boom is making things rather pleasant right now, because our fellow TOOLies are requiring both. And not just for the sake of defence, but also, they gotta fish and do aquatic research somehow, y'know? Our phosphate cracking production is working well above capacity and as a result, companies like UralApatit and Severomineralnik and Severstal and others are all able to give their employees bonuses. I can't complain, since I work for SMK up in Montsa!"
    Sports
    Who's Hot, Who's Not
    WHO'S HOT
    1. Mattias Hammevik, SiPS - oh man did this guy ever play well against KJK. And how does he top off winning the Kanslerinkilpi? He blanks Atletico Vinilandes in Liga Mundo. What a guy!
    2. Immo Kivilahti, Kirovin JK - I felt horrible for this guy when SiPS scored, even though I am a SiPS fan myself. That save on Rasimus leading to the corner that caused the win was nothing short of legendary. This goalkeeper is nothing short of legendary. He just got caught by a post, a bad bounce, and Hessu "Clutch" Öörni being in position.
    3. Hessu Öörni, SiPS - Two straight X11 teams, the winning goal in the Kanslerinkilpi, and a goal and four assists against FK Syktyvkar? Umm... yeah, he has to be on this one!
    4. Khavkuk Shlomov, Dinamo Kirov - How does The Jewish Pelé recover from a disappointing 'Kilpi? Easy. He scores all four of Dinamo's goals in their 4-2 win over ZavU.
    5. Timofey Rakhmatulin, Dinamo Arkhangel'sk - Shlomov wasn't the only guy that got more than four goals this frame. In fact, "Timmeh" got five, albeit against a rather inept Aleksi Toivola.
    WHO'S NOT
    1. GK Aleksi Toivola, FK Inta - you know you're having a bad outing when you get pulled from the goal. You know you're having a really bad one when this happens to be in football. Five goals on five shots? From the same guy? Pathetic.
    2. RM Natan Petukhov, Zavod Ural Solikamsk/Bumazhnik Solikamsk - I swear, Bumazhnik got robbed. Petukhov for Karjalainen and 700K? Pff. If I were Bumazhnik I'd've made ZavU pay for Karjalainen after Petukhov cocked up so badly in the Dinamo match. Seriously. Those giveaways were brutal
    3. GK Dmitry Khomutov, FK Yekaterinburg - Yes, Khalmer-Yu is the real deal. Yes, FK Yekaterinburg doesn't have the same kind of firepower. No, it doesn't give Khomutov an excuse for his poor performance. There were two goals that he shouldn't have let in, and did.
    4. UM Dmitry Rezanov, Zavod Ural Solikamsk - KEEP THE STUDS DOWN, YOU FOOL!! He was lucky someone didn't get really hurt from it in the deplorable show of poor sportsmanship that was the Togashire match. Methinks he's probably in Dmitry Makarov's doghouse atm.
    5. Arsenal Syktyvkar's entire team - yeah, these guys are going nowhere in a hurry. Severstal didn't even try against them and won 4-0.
    SiPS Has Changed Tune About Liga Mundo
    SYKTYVKAR - SiPS is staying put, but apparently it took some talking to manager Teppo Kostamo by Jarkko Salomäki to convince him.
    "The simple fact that SiPS is performing well internationally in the Liga Mundo is an advertisment for Uralican football," says Salomäki, "so I went and hassled Teppo about it. It isn't like we're [Zavod Ural Solikamsk] who have to have all their domestic matches moved to Sunday because of clashing foreign commitments. So we're officially staying in Liga Mundo. The press conference will be held tomorrow."
    Kurri Trophy Playoffs On The Horizon Again
    SYKTYVKAR - so who's gonna be the best in Uralican ice hockey this season?
    Already, HK Syktyvkar has won both of the installations of the Kurri Cup, both in the inaugural 2008 season, and in the 08-09 season, which started in spite of the nation's constitution being suspended for the first two months.
    But this season, the competition seems a lot fiercer.
    The merger of JKK Salamat Sikkivukari into HK Jokerit Syktyvkar has created something of a "super-team" of the two ice hockey teams that have come second to HK Syktyvkar - Jokerit has beaten SiPS twice out of five meetings this season as well, which has driven home the fact that Jokerit cannot be taken lightly.
    But the biggest threat this season could come from Severstal Cherepovets, who has had a longstanding tradition of excellence on the ice in both hockey and bandy. Even the "Mari Gretzky," HKS forward Matvey Kolpakov, is wary of them.
    "Severstal has been the toughest team to play this season even though we have only lost once to them, and lost to Jokerit twice," Kolpakov says. "The real alarm bell with Severstal comes from their insane consistency. With Jokerit, we'd lose 3-2, come back the next meeting and piledrive them 4-0, whereas Severstal would never lose by much at all, and they will always score."
    Since Severstal is in the hotly-contested Western Division, they still are more likely to play in the first round rather than get the bye through to the quarterfinals, which can also be said for Jokerit. With an average of six games left in the season, HKS has clinched the regular season championship already, with the closest teams, not surprisingly, being in their own division.
    But are there any contenders outside the Wild Wild West?
    "I would watch CSKA Yekaterinburg, MP Perm', and HK Serov," says Kolpakov in response to that question. "It's going to be great hockey."
  25. Uralica
    (OOC: Sorry, late again.)
    Top Stories
    Surprising March Blizzard Hits Mordoviya
    SARANSK - Snow is nothing new to anyone in Uralica. From October to February, in fact, it's very much expected. Even in March, the odd bit of snow is expected. However, with temperatures dipping below the average lows for March, Mordovia and parts of Chuvashia got hit with a barrage of snow and cold winds last night, leaving most of the residents in the area staying indoors.
    In some places, most notably Orozai, power was knocked out for parts of the day, which was not the most thrilling prospect on this particular day, the day the Kanslerinkilpi football final was to be played between SiPS and Kirovin JK. However, with the winds dying down by 5PM, workers were able to get some semblance of power going again, at least in some places. Some desperate footie fans hopped in their vehicles and braved the icy roads to watch the game in restaurants in the larger centres. No fatalities were reported from any accidents, although several accidents did occur on Highway UH-27, the Mordoviya Freeway, which runs through most of Mordoviya's major centres.
    Saransk was more prepared for the weather, and reported very few power outages, most of which stemmed from a blown transformer in the northern suburbs.
    Jarkko Salomäki Resigns As TOOL Inquisitor
    SYKTYVKAR - With thomas20 and Caenwulf having stepped up to the reins, Jarkko Salomäki finally was able to make good on his promise to withdraw from TOOL government to focus on domestic governance and organising the transportation of aid to both TOOL nations needing help rebuilding and Spartans, Archeinists, and Nemetics who require reparations.
    He made this official in a press conference yesterday, stating that it was a huge weight off his shoulders.
    "I was thoroughly honoured to be a part of this," he said. "But I'd been looking to step out of office since January since it was just getting to be too much. I need to focus more on the needs of Uralicans and TOOLies, and I just can't do that when I'm having to deal with international military issues all the time. This resignation represents a huge weight being lifted off me. And it also takes some of the pressure off Vaido [Kuik], Ovdey [shlomov], and Matvey [Kolpakov], who were running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to make sure everything got handled. I love you guys!"
    Sports
    Seventh Seed Stretches SiPS, But Still Loses
    SYKTYVKAR - One goal was all it took.
    After one hundred thirteen minutes of scoreless play, Hessu Öörni scored what had to be the biggest goal of his career, taking the rebound of a Tauno Jäkälä shot that hit the post and burying it in the top left corner of the goal, to win SiPS their second consecutive Kanslerinkilpi in a dramatic extra time finish.
    The effort came after Immo Kivilahti, the goalkeeper for Kirovin JK, made a magnificent fingertip save on a Joni Rasimus strike, sailing from left post to right post to parry the shot.
    This isn't to say that his opposite number didn't face some challenging shots either.
    "There's no question now who the best two goalkeepers in Uralica are," said UPL president Attila Farkas. "[Mattias] Hammevik faced fourteen shots and stopped them all. Kivilahti faced nineteen shots and stopped eighteen, and there was no way he could have had that last one."
    Although Kivilahti was "inconsolable" after the match, he did tearfully accept the Kanslerinkilpi MVP trophy.
    "He could easily be my superior," said Mattias Hammevik, respectfully. "I mean, I did face some hard shots, but that save he made on Joni [Rasimus]? I couldn't have done that. No way."
    Hessu Öörni received the Goal Of The Tournament award, with Kivilahti also being named Best Goalkeeper. Petteri Vahalahti won Best Defender, Joni Rasimus took Best Forward, and Raimo Suominen took Best Midfielder.
    The tournament all-star team was as follows:
    GK: Immo Kivilahti (KJK)
    LB: Jarkko Salomäki (SiPS)
    RB: Petteri Vahalahti (SiPS)
    CB: Indrek Lepp (KJK)
    CB: Pekka Valamäki (Dinamo Kirov)
    LM: Hessu Öörni (SiPS)
    RM: Jukka Tenhola (SiPS)
    CM: Raimo Suominen (SiPS)
    AM: Tuukka Lehtonen (KJK)
    ST: Joni Rasimus (SiPS)
    ST: Khavkuk Shlomov (Dinamo Kirov)
    Bench:
    GK: Mattias Hammevik (SiPS)
    CB/LB: Lev Lebezyatnikov (Dinamo Arkhangel'sk)
    CB: Sergey Parfenov (Amkar Perm')
    RM: Vaido Järvi (Dinamo Kirov)
    AM: Hárkany Molnár (Trátyi TK)
    ST: Tapani Karjalainen (KJK)
    ST: Miron Smertin (ZavU)
    Tourism
    Multicultural Syktyvkar Offers Something For Everyone
    Gordon Dirk, TOOL Tourism
    If there's one city that could best be described as a microcosm of the nation of Uralica, it is Syktyvkar, Uralica's capital and fastest-growing city (if one doesn't count the antidiasporic return of over a million people to Perm'). Located at the confluence of the Sysola River (In Komi it is the Syktyv River, from which the city derives its name) and the Vychegda River, Syktyvkar is currently Uralica's fifth-largest city - having just surpassed Cheboksary - and part of the fifth-largest urban area, which also includes the predominantly Mennonite city of Pazhga to the south.
    The city is actually a merger of three municipal bodies - the old city of Syktyvkar, the nearby large town of Vilgort (which formerly served as the seat of Syktyvda District), and the subordinate town of Ezhva. It is growing at an amazing pace as well. Even in the pre-Robertian era, the largest the city ever got was around two hundred fifty thousand people, but with it being a centre of the Uralicist Movement and a beacon to artists, activists, and miners alike, the city has more than tripled that number, having absorbed several previously unincorporated hamlets as boroughs in the process.
    In spite of its large population, it is one of the most pleasant cities to live in or visit in all of Uralica, a fact made sure of by the Syktyvkar Unitary Authority Board, which runs the city in its entirety as well as the subordinate town of Yazel', at which one can find Kaido Ojastu International Airport.
    There is plenty to see and do in Uralica. One can go into the downtown core, where there are many little arts and crafts shops and ethnic restaurants to be found, plus malls and shops for everything that is available in Uralica. Among these is, surprisingly, the Uralican World Trade Centre, including Uralica's tallest building, the Vaido Kuik Tower, whose bottom four floors comprise the largest department store branch of any kind in the Former Soviet Union. I went shopping once at this branch of Kupriyanov's (Kupriyanov's is a subsidiary of the ubiquitous Bolak Corp., that specialises in department stores) and to go through the whole thing would require several trips.
    On the east side of the Vychegda's first pass through the city is something no one should leave Syktyvkar without seeing - the Uralic Cultural Centre. Uralica has this thing about multi-art galleries and museums, and Syktyvkar's tops them all; one can peruse folk and modern art from all of Uralica's constituent cultures, sample some ethnic food, take classes in various things (I tried to learn how to make my own kantele and failed miserably the first couple times), catch a few Uralican films (for a nation without a proper movie industry, they sure can capture the imagination), and even go to church! Yes, there are four churches - a Uralican Evangelical Baptist church, a Uralican Orthodox church, a Uralican Catholic church, and a Mennonite church, all regularly attended by at least a hundred fifty people, on the premises.
    If your inclination is towards music, I would recommend the Filharmonia to anyone. Now I'm no metalhead, but I hear there's this really good metal band called Pelastus that plays there sporadically and brings the house down every time. I'm more a classical music lover myself, and in this nation where music and musical training are national pastimes, it doesn't get any better or more creative than the Uralican Symphony Orchestra in a sold-out Filharmonia. I popped in to listen to them performing the masterworks of Tchaikovsky, who was actually born in what is now Uralica and is something of a national hero. And let me tell you, I never thought listening to Marche Slave with a four-piece metal band included would be so invigorating! I still have the finale stuck in my head!
    One of the best universities in the Former Soviet Union is Uralikan Yliopisto, which seems to be getting bigger every time I visit the city! One can actually pay a few bucks to get in to see the talented UY Symphony Orchestra cut their trade, or to listen to an open lecture on everything from things concerning Uralica's history to the masterworks of Sirkka Numminen, the legendary Uralican composer who is called "The Female Mozart" because of her prolific music-writing, to various languages of Uralica.
    Finally, there's something for the sports nut as well. Syktyvkar Stadion is an amazing environment for football (soccer for you North Americans), while the Syktyvkar Sportsplex in Vilgort borough houses Syktyvkar's ice hockey, bandy, basketball, handball, and rugby teams. They also have a large tennis club, which is open to the public from April through mid-October, except when there are tournaments on, and these dates are always posted.
    On top of this, there is an Olympic sports park in the eastern borough of Krasnozatonsky, where almost all individual Summer Olympic sports, as well as speed skating, figure skating, and in the winter, half-pipe snowboarding, are practiced. And there is Parchezhsky Park in the northernmost borough of Syktyvkar, Parcheg, where cross-country skiing and biathlon can be partaken in. Sometimes one can even catch the nation's ruler, Jarkko Salomäki, hitting the track here!
    Speaking of Jarkko, behind his 1-hectare estate in the Nizhny Chov borough, is a 100-hectare national park devoted to the Uralican national bird, the Eurasian Eagle-Owl:

    Huuhkaja National Park is a place where one can go to learn about Syktyvkar's local feathered friends, especially this magnificent bird, which has a range almost completely covering Uralica.
    The residents love to have visitors, and the city has been given a very high grade in the hospitality department, even by Uralica's sky-high hospitality standards. Don't know any of the languages spoken in Uralica? No problem. There are government-paid translators available at any of Uralica's numerous tourism departments, and a map to these is available at Kaido Ojastu International Airport (if you enter by air) or the three Syktyvkar Welcome Portals (if you enter by road) which are located in Ubshor, Yazel', and Krasnozatonsky boroughs.
    So what are you waiting for? Come visit!
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