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Excerpts From Uralican Daily News, 19 March 2010 Edition




Second Constitution Day Celebrated With Great Fanfare

SYKTYVKAR - Happy second birthday, Uralica.

Revellers were out in full force yesterday (which, as a statutory holiday, meant that there was no UDN published yesterday) to celebrate Constitution Day, the day that the "Founding Fathers And Mothers" (not just the nine immortalised in bronze in Uralic Square downtown, but all thirty-one of them) signed the constitution of the Tribal State of Uralica, bringing it into existence. Each of them was on hand in Syktyvkar to commemorate the moment at noon. The thirty-one (Chief and 2 from each then-existent tribe) were:

Jarkko Salomäki (Chief)

Lasse Mäkelä and Meri Vanhanen (members of the Finnish Tribe)

Olga Guznishcheva and Nikolay Shevchuk (members of the Russian Tribe)

Riita Perttunen and Jukka Ahonen (members of the Karelian Tribe)

Vaido Kuik and Anu Kangur (members of the Estonian Tribe)

Kari Fisk and Raitis Kosks (members of the Livonian Tribe)

Tarja Lapsonen and Johan Kjærhus (members of the Western Saami Tribe)

Ipati Fedotenko and Yulya Shishkina (members of the Eastern Saami Tribe)

Jan Merk and Helen Renzenbrink (members of the Mennonite Tribe)

Ovdey Shlomov and Maksim Hubertov (members of the Udmurt Tribe)

Yevgeny Kolpakov and Matvey Chugaynov (members of the Mari Tribe)

Alexander Zyrianov and Yevstakhi Suvanov (members of the Komi Tribe)

Yuvan Shestopalov and Maria Shestopalova (members of the Nenets Tribe)

Elizabeta Khrushchyova and Filip Surgutin (members of the Ob Ugric Tribe)

Semyon Kabayev and Raisa Ovechkina (members of the Mordvin Tribe)

Patrik Golubayev and Denis Kalinin (members of the Samoyedic Tribe)

On top of this, the "two main signees" on behalf of the Hungarians and Chuvash also partook in the commemorative event. These are Rebeka Szigete and Zoltán Molnár for the Hungarians and Akhmetkhan Gubaidulin and Marat Yardy for the Chuvash.

After the commemoration, the Founders would end up scattering themselves all over Uralica to catch celebrations. Only Salomäki stuck around in Syktyvkar, with Kuik being spotted in Estonian-rich Vaahruše, Shlomov going to Izhevsk, the two Mennonites naturally going to Pazhga (a fifteen-minute drive away tops), Kolpakov going to Yoshkar-Ola, and an "adventurous" Shevchuk catching a flight all the way to Uralica's northernmost settlement, Belushya Guba in Novaja Zemlja.

Parades were held in most cities during the late morning and early afternoon, although Syktyvkar was an exception to this because of the aforementioned event - their parade would kick off in the late afternoon.

It was at night, though, that things really got festive. Fireworks displays were a common sight in all Uralican cities and a great many larger towns. Syktyvkar, Yekaterinburg, and Chaykovsky (which is the so-called "Party Capital of Uralica") had the most impressive, while Belushya Guba, a town of four thousand five hundred which is the only settlement in Novaja Zemlja, broke a world record for being the most northerly settlement in the world to do a pyrotechnic show, at 71°32'24" N by 52°19'12" E.

"It was -30C here," said Nikolay Shevchuk about it, "but they have some pretty awesome technology that allowed the fireworks to actually go off. It was a sight to behold, and the TV stations all got it on tape, so it's all good."


Rebuilding And Reparations Fuelling Uralican Economy To New Heights

YEKATERINBURG - Over the last two weeks, stocks in Bolak Corp., UralTek, and several other minor companies have soared because of the demand for Uralican consumer goods and industrial materials during this time of rebuilding.

On Wednesday, we talked to several traders at UMSX in Yekaterinburg, which is Uralica's main stock exchange.

"Man, you should see these building technology stocks," one said. "Retrofitnik Incorporated has posted net stock value gains of over 200% since TOOL withdrew from the war. Even though not too many TOOL nations are in earthquake zones, the materials that company engineers and constructs is valuable anyway for concrete-and-steel buildings. Shopping tourism from TOOL nations is up, which is good news for our retail-only companies as well as for companies like Bolak and [Christian Sport]. And both reparations and repairs are keeping UralTek busy. With good planning, some of these companies can keep, or at least plateau, their momentum once this boom ends. Of course the folks in the big companies are already doing so. We get pamphlets about their plans all the time down here at UMSX."

Jarno Laaksonen, a Tribal Council member, was also spotted doing business at UMSX. The outspoken Eastern Saami was all smiles.

"I have shares in UralNav and Severomineralnik," he said. "This boom is good for business in Sapmi, I've noticed, because of the fact that our county is so reliant upon nautical technology and mineral-mining that this boom is making things rather pleasant right now, because our fellow TOOLies are requiring both. And not just for the sake of defence, but also, they gotta fish and do aquatic research somehow, y'know? Our phosphate cracking production is working well above capacity and as a result, companies like UralApatit and Severomineralnik and Severstal and others are all able to give their employees bonuses. I can't complain, since I work for SMK up in Montsa!"


Who's Hot, Who's Not


1. Mattias Hammevik, SiPS - oh man did this guy ever play well against KJK. And how does he top off winning the Kanslerinkilpi? He blanks Atletico Vinilandes in Liga Mundo. What a guy!

2. Immo Kivilahti, Kirovin JK - I felt horrible for this guy when SiPS scored, even though I am a SiPS fan myself. That save on Rasimus leading to the corner that caused the win was nothing short of legendary. This goalkeeper is nothing short of legendary. He just got caught by a post, a bad bounce, and Hessu "Clutch" Öörni being in position.

3. Hessu Öörni, SiPS - Two straight X11 teams, the winning goal in the Kanslerinkilpi, and a goal and four assists against FK Syktyvkar? Umm... yeah, he has to be on this one!

4. Khavkuk Shlomov, Dinamo Kirov - How does The Jewish Pelé recover from a disappointing 'Kilpi? Easy. He scores all four of Dinamo's goals in their 4-2 win over ZavU.

5. Timofey Rakhmatulin, Dinamo Arkhangel'sk - Shlomov wasn't the only guy that got more than four goals this frame. In fact, "Timmeh" got five, albeit against a rather inept Aleksi Toivola.


1. GK Aleksi Toivola, FK Inta - you know you're having a bad outing when you get pulled from the goal. You know you're having a really bad one when this happens to be in football. Five goals on five shots? From the same guy? Pathetic.

2. RM Natan Petukhov, Zavod Ural Solikamsk/Bumazhnik Solikamsk - I swear, Bumazhnik got robbed. Petukhov for Karjalainen and 700K? Pff. If I were Bumazhnik I'd've made ZavU pay for Karjalainen after Petukhov cocked up so badly in the Dinamo match. Seriously. Those giveaways were brutal

3. GK Dmitry Khomutov, FK Yekaterinburg - Yes, Khalmer-Yu is the real deal. Yes, FK Yekaterinburg doesn't have the same kind of firepower. No, it doesn't give Khomutov an excuse for his poor performance. There were two goals that he shouldn't have let in, and did.

4. UM Dmitry Rezanov, Zavod Ural Solikamsk - KEEP THE STUDS DOWN, YOU FOOL!! He was lucky someone didn't get really hurt from it in the deplorable show of poor sportsmanship that was the Togashire match. Methinks he's probably in Dmitry Makarov's doghouse atm.

5. Arsenal Syktyvkar's entire team - yeah, these guys are going nowhere in a hurry. :P Severstal didn't even try against them and won 4-0.

SiPS Has Changed Tune About Liga Mundo

SYKTYVKAR - SiPS is staying put, but apparently it took some talking to manager Teppo Kostamo by Jarkko Salomäki to convince him.

"The simple fact that SiPS is performing well internationally in the Liga Mundo is an advertisment for Uralican football," says Salomäki, "so I went and hassled Teppo about it. It isn't like we're [Zavod Ural Solikamsk] who have to have all their domestic matches moved to Sunday because of clashing foreign commitments. So we're officially staying in Liga Mundo. The press conference will be held tomorrow."

Kurri Trophy Playoffs On The Horizon Again

SYKTYVKAR - so who's gonna be the best in Uralican ice hockey this season?

Already, HK Syktyvkar has won both of the installations of the Kurri Cup, both in the inaugural 2008 season, and in the 08-09 season, which started in spite of the nation's constitution being suspended for the first two months.

But this season, the competition seems a lot fiercer.

The merger of JKK Salamat Sikkivukari into HK Jokerit Syktyvkar has created something of a "super-team" of the two ice hockey teams that have come second to HK Syktyvkar - Jokerit has beaten SiPS twice out of five meetings this season as well, which has driven home the fact that Jokerit cannot be taken lightly.

But the biggest threat this season could come from Severstal Cherepovets, who has had a longstanding tradition of excellence on the ice in both hockey and bandy. Even the "Mari Gretzky," HKS forward Matvey Kolpakov, is wary of them.

"Severstal has been the toughest team to play this season even though we have only lost once to them, and lost to Jokerit twice," Kolpakov says. "The real alarm bell with Severstal comes from their insane consistency. With Jokerit, we'd lose 3-2, come back the next meeting and piledrive them 4-0, whereas Severstal would never lose by much at all, and they will always score."

Since Severstal is in the hotly-contested Western Division, they still are more likely to play in the first round rather than get the bye through to the quarterfinals, which can also be said for Jokerit. With an average of six games left in the season, HKS has clinched the regular season championship already, with the closest teams, not surprisingly, being in their own division.

But are there any contenders outside the Wild Wild West?

"I would watch CSKA Yekaterinburg, MP Perm', and HK Serov," says Kolpakov in response to that question. "It's going to be great hockey."



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