I Have Now Seen It All
Before quitting smoking a little while back, I used to go outside for my smoke breaks. I still go outside to pace back and forth, having still not figured out how to get rid of that 'antsy' feeling I have sometimes.
It's not terribly exciting. I greet my neighbors, admire the trees and, on many occasions, see drivers acting like complete dolts. For you see, I live near an intersection. It's not a particularly busy one, but for some reason it attracts the worst drivers. (My kids cross at this intersection every day to go to and from school, so I have something of a personal interest in drivers' behavior.)
Until today, I thought I had seen it all. For example:
- Drivers coming to a complete stop on a red light, then going through the intersection before the light has changed.
- Cars making left turns into the wrong lane, thus pointing themselves at oncoming traffic.
- Drivers ignoring the crossing guard's large 'STOP' sign while there are children crossing.
- Senior citizens peering through their steering wheels in order to see.
- People flying down the road at 90 km/h when the speed limit is 40 km/h.
I could go on. On average, there is one accident per week. Most are not that serious, although two weeks ago a truck driver blew through the red light while in the wrong lane, t-boning a pickup truck and sandwiching it between the truck and a minivan on the other side that was stopped. I may not know much about cars, but I do know three 'write-offs' when I see them.
Today, though....
I was standing on the sidewalk, facing south, when I noticed a car coming from the west. It seemed to be going very, very slowly, and from a distance it was obvious that the driver had both hands off the wheel. If anything, he seemed to be making the "I'm choking" signal.
Now....I'm a good neighbor. I like to help people. So my first reaction was to prepare to rush out, yank the driver from the car and perform the Heimlich maneuver, CPR or whatever was needed.
I'm also rather far-sighted -- 20/10 in one eye, 20/15 in the other -- so it wasn't long before I realized what the middle-aged male driver was actually doing.
He was flossing.
I couldn't help myself. As he began to crawl past me, I decided to inquire as to his intellectual capacity. His window was open, he didn't have the radio on and he was (maybe) fifteen feet away from me, so I didn't have to yell.
"Are you a !@#$@#$ idiot?" I asked.
The driver looked my way, hands still off the wheel. I suppose he must have knocked said wheel with his elbow, because his car turned right and mounted the curb about thirty feet short of the intersection. No (apparent) damage done. He missed both a fire hydrant and a pole. I expect there was some minor damage to the area around the front-right wheel well. Possibly some damage to his suspension, ball joint, tie rod....whatever. I don't know.
I stood there, slowly nodding. The driver looked over at me.
"Yup, you're an idiot," I said. And then I went back inside, sat down, and wrote this for posterity.
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