It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes

[ShadowDragon]

It all started when our (former porn) star, Death Metal Rooster, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly concerned, Death Metal Rooster backhanded a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved bacon was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, (>‘.’)>. Death Metal Rooster had known (>‘.’)> for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. (>‘.’)> was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... selfish. Death Metal Rooster called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

(>‘.’)> picked up to a very sad Death Metal Rooster. (>‘.’)> calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually surreptitiously shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Death Metal Rooster. Why was (>‘.’)> trying to distract Death Metal Rooster? Because he had snuck out from Death Metal Rooster's with the bacon only eleven days prior. It was a flamboyant little bacon... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Death Metal Rooster got back to the subject at hand: his bacon. (>‘.’)> turned red. Reluctantly, (>‘.’)> invited him over, assuring him they'd find the bacon. Death Metal Rooster grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, (>‘.’)> realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the bacon and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Death Metal Rooster took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least nine minutes before Death Metal Rooster would get there. But if he took the whale? Then (>‘.’)> would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, (>‘.’)> was interrupted by nine insensitive mongooses that were lured by his bacon. (>‘.’)> belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his gerbil and carefully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the whale rolling up. It was Death Metal Rooster.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Death Metal Rooster was out of the whale and went scandalously jaunting toward (>‘.’)>'s front door. Meanwhile inside, (>‘.’)> was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the bacon into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. (>‘.’)> wasn't pleased but at least the bacon was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' (>‘.’)> flamboyantly purred. With a calculated push, Death Metal Rooster opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid jerk on a flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' (>‘.’)> assured him. Death Metal Rooster took a seat right next to where (>‘.’)> had hidden the bacon. (>‘.’)> grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Death Metal Rooster was distracted. (>‘.’)> noticed a dimwitted look on Death Metal Rooster's face. Death Metal Rooster slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

(>‘.’)> felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Death Metal Rooster asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the bacon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Death Metal Rooster's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Death Metal Rooster nodded with fake acknowledgment...then, before (>‘.’)> could react, Death Metal Rooster aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The bacon was plainly in view.

Death Metal Rooster stared at (>‘.’)> for what what must've been eight seconds. In response (>‘.’)> groped flamboyantly in Death Metal Rooster's direction, clearly desperate. Death Metal Rooster grabbed the bacon and bolted for the door. It was locked. (>‘.’)> let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Death Metal Rooster,' he rebuked. (>‘.’)> always had been a little clueless, so Death Metal Rooster knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before (>‘.’)> did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his bacon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled program, but it's time to present the Random Insanity Alliance's bimonthly election results!

First we have Shadow who won re-election and will remain Triumvir for another six months.

Next for the Cabinet we have three who were re-elected, one returning government member (Ogaden), and one newcomer (Jenne):

Cabinet XXXVIII
Head of Economics (HoE): cctmsp13
HoFA - Head of Foreign Affairs (HoFA): crazyisraelie
Head of Internal Affairs (HoIA): Jenne
Head of Military Operations (HoMO): C-zom
Head of Recruitment (HoR): Ogaden (James Dahl)

And last but not least for our new Captain Planet we welcome Arsenal 10 who won with a slim lead over Meatkin Pie in a five-way race.

Full Government
Triumvirate: Delta1212, Shadow, Thunder Strike
Head of Economics (HoE): cctmsp13
Head of Foreign Affairs (HoFA): crazyisraelie
Head of Internal Affairs (HoIA): Jenne
Head of Military Operations (HoMO): C-zom
Head of Recruitment (HoR): Ogaden (James Dahl)

...and now back to your regularly scheduled programming, "The Melancholy of Death Metal Rooster: Revenge of the Mongooses":

(>‘.’)> looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Death Metal Rooster did not respond. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Death Metal Rooster. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. (>‘.’)> walked over to the window and looked down. Death Metal Rooster was gone.

Just yonder, Death Metal Rooster was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind (>‘.’)>'s place. Death Metal Rooster had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral mongooses suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the bacon. One by one they latched on to Death Metal Rooster. Already weakened from his injury, Death Metal Rooster yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of mongooses running off with his bacon.

About seven hours later, Death Metal Rooster awoke, his legs throbbing. It was dark and Death Metal Rooster did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely swamp, Death Metal Rooster was very lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his bacon was taken by the mongooses. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little mongoose emerged from the nearby pumpkin patch. It was the alpha mongoose. Death Metal Rooster opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the mongoose sunk its teeth into Death Metal Rooster's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Death Metal Rooster's lungs.

Less than four miles away, (>‘.’)> was entombed by anguish over the loss of the bacon. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a ripened avocado. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Death Metal Rooster... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the bacon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on the sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant mongooses, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Thus, the mongooses lived happily forever after, the end.
 

Edited December 16, 2013 by ShadowDragon

[crazyisraelie]

That damn Death Metal Rooster! VIVA LA RIA!

[zyvexal]

Douglas Adams reference ftw.

[SWAT128]

Congrats to all of those elected. Good to see Ogaden back in gov.

[Rampage3]

o/ RIA!

[Yuletide]

Congratulations to RIA on this monumentally different task: Electing the same people every two months.

Wait. I'm one of those people.

[SWAT128]

[quote name='ThePainkiller' date='31 May 2010 - 05:49 PM' timestamp='1275353374' post='2318329']
Congratulations to RIA on this monumentally different task: Electing the same people every two months.

Wait. I'm one of those people.
[/quote]


We must break the streak.

[Fernando12]

Great wall of text Batman. tldr.

Jenne, newcomer, oh oh....wonder who that is. hope its not who I think it is

[Jenne]

I don't know, who do you think I am?

[Vilien]

ShadowDragon's "It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes" is an unpleasant trip through the Ritalin addled psyche of the modern youth. While certainly written in the English language, the work is altogether without purpose and almost unreadable. ShadowDragon lacks the vital life experience and fundamental consciousness to publish relevant literature. Would read again.

[montypython]

well done RIA, & now you have a nice story to tell your grand kids.

[im317]

wait, we used a variant of that text in the election announcement 2 elections ago iirc(or was it in a treaty?) aha found it it was elections maybe 3 elections ago? http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=70375

congrats to Arsenal 10 and crazyisraelie for being the only people who won non unopposed elections.

Edited June 1, 2010 by im317

[Thunder Strike]

Gratz to our new govt ... suckers.

[Duke Nukem]

Its sad to see gangs not in gov't. Also needs moar leo. Anyway <3 RIA to the death.

[PorkPotPie]

Epic.

[im317]

[quote name='We Are Not Alone' date='31 May 2010 - 09:25 PM' timestamp='1275359110' post='2318468']
Its sad to see gangs not in gov't. Also needs moar leo. Anyway <3 RIA to the death.
[/quote]

leo came up 4 votes short, it was the second closest vote we had.

[Lysandros]

Congrats on the "new" government