Don't Panic #32

[scytale]

[img]http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n329/Dragonmack/logocg9ez4.png[/img]

[img]http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/8794/numbersz.png[/img]
[img]http://img693.imageshack.us/img693/3692/curve.png[/img]
[img]http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/9804/biggestdongcontest.png[/img]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Headlines[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Triumvir Elections [/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

With Draden announcing he would not be standing in the March Triumvir elections the path was clear for an rare, open, and ultimately close, encounter, not featuring an incumbent.

The two candidates stepping up to the mark presented a contrast between the experience of a previous trium in Scutterbug, and the fresh view of a Minister in majorddf. Resulting campaigning between both candidates was determined with neither wanting to concede this excellent chance to take the highest position in the MHA.

And when the dust settled and all 109 votes were counted it was indeed proved to be a close encounter, with 5 votes making the difference, which saw majorddf win his first Triumvir seat.

So congratulations to our latest Triumvir, we wish him all the best and commiserations to Scutter, who came within a whisker of retaking his former role.

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]News From The Front[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]The[/size] Ex[size=150]Empire Strikes Back[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

CnG HQ
march 2nd 2010 18:23 zulu

A young handsome soldier, clearly more efficient than any enemy could be, runs down the corridor with a file in his hand. Two guards try to stop him, but they see his pass and they open the door for him. We see a big room crowded with high rank officers, most of them look towards the entrance. The young lieutenant doesn't stop until he reaches the generals.
"Sir! We've been breached!" The general looks puzzled, and he replies quietly "Son, we've ended the 'don't ask don't tell' but you can't interrupt meetings like that. And didn't you use to date that nice Stacy, from interrogations?" "Um... no... not like... sir?, the HQ has been infiltrated." General reconciled the idea. "Hm. Well I guess that [i]does[/i] make more sense. Did they gather any useful data?" The soldier opened up the file and took out a sheet of paper. "Apparently they just left a note, to lower our morale. They have a secret plan, which is why they didn't take our Terms of Surrender"
"Our what now?" asked the general raising his eyebrow. "Um, well... Well some of our soldiers have been smoking weed on duty. And they... well they thought it'd be funny to send out a prank "peace offer" to TOP and IRON. I think they'd actually used the quotation marks in the title."
"Do we know who was it? Is it possible it was one of our own?" "Sir, we don't know who provided the weed, but we have our best men on it..." One of logistics officers started to swear heavily "...and will probably have a list of junkies by nine". An expression of terror was clear on officers faces.
"No, no! The spy! Do we know the [b]spy[/b]!" "Not yet sir. He was very brief in his wording." "Brief? This is at least an A4 page!" "Well, apparently the message was edited a couple of times..."
The general had frowned. "Then there is no doubt. It was Crymson... Keep me posted son. I want to know when he'll come back." "But sir, why would he?" "No one knows, son. No one cares. But he [i]always[/i] comes back... He's an Unflushable."

[i]Dun DUN duuunh![/i]

CNG HQ
march 4th 2 AM zulu

The doors in war room open widely, a young lt comes in and goes straight to generals.
"Sir! They're on our @#$%!"
"He just won't stop with the gay pride, this one" said voice in the back. "Shut up, we did this gag already" "Oh, so now you too?"
The general turned towards the messenger "Did they start their plan?" "Yes, apparently the operation "hippies behind meatshield" has been halted, they've changed the tactic. The general looked troubled. "Oh dear God. So they got NPO to join in?" "Um, no sir" "Ah, TOP has stopped aiding MHA enemies, and attacked them directly?" "No, that's not it, sir" "I was afraid it'd come to this. They've convinced public [b]they[/b]'re the ones attacked, and some of our allies backed out?" "No, that's not it either, sir. They um... They've commenced with operation "Venus in Furs". They'd launched a full scale counter offensive against Sparta. We can't even declare on none of them without screwing up the stagger, as Spartans immediately retaliated." "Ah! So our spies have succeeded and planted fake plans! Whos intelligence agency was it? MK? ODN? Or maybe Sparta? I bet it was Sparta, wasn't it? They moaned about wanting to fight in shade for this whole time."
"Um, none of those sir. It's... it's apparently their own incentive, sir. They're just really bad at planning."
"Nonsense soldier! They wouldn't do something that pointless now, when the war comes to an end. I want a name by the end of the day. Crap, we'll have to speed up the surrender ceremony preparations! Make sure they last at least until end of the week, or else you get the inflating duty" The general looked around "And the first one to make a joke about it is going with him".

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]War In Season[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Scytale[/i]

The winter snow comes down on the battle field for days. The snow covers everything and become blinding at times but the war goes on. Most of the fighting has become routine and the initial upsurge in activity and excitement has died down.

Having helped as much as they can, most alliances that came to support TOP/IRON have left the battle field. Those that are left are now highly outnumbered but the warriors continue to hold steadfast. They have dug in for the long term boasting that they can continue serving up punishing nukes and attacks for several more months. Their determination and loyalty has to be admired.

Word has come down that peace talks have begun. The initial terms were rejected outright as being outrageous but those that came to the negotiation table may still be there. Could we have peace tomorrow? Maybe. Could this war go on into summer? It could. All we know now is that peace talks have begun.

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Draw!?![/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

Whether you're a fan of war or not, we all have to agree that this war has involved some pretty funny sideshows once in a while, and whilst it might take more than one article to cover them all, I did just want to dwell on this one momentarily, not necessarily for the event itself, but because of some of the truly brilliant reactions to it.

What are you talkng about? You ask, I direct you to a post by Bbott on the MHA forums: (only available on our forums)

For the edited highlights, just check out the spoiler below:
[spoiler][b]Bbott's initial Post:[/b]
[quote]I had 48% odds of winning the ground battle. I was feeling confident though because I won with 44% odds yesterday (lol) and so I attacked him. This is what happened:


[quote]:. Battle Results
Battle Type: Cautious Ground Attack
Battle Outcome: Draw
Bbotropolis Casualties: 0 soldiers
0 tanks
Caturday Casualties: 0 soldiers
0 tanks
Battle Details: There were no land spoils of war captured in this battle. There was no infrastructure destroyed in this battle. There was no technology stolen in this battle. The value of your equipment abandoned in the battle was $0.00. Your forces looted $0.00 from the nation of Caturday.
[/quote]

What happened, did they stop fighting and have tea or something? :banghead: :taz:[/quote]

[b]Chancellor Goch's reply:[/b]
[quote]Ah the rare tie, I had one of those once, first i was confused, then lonely and then ultimately a little hungry....
[/quote]

[b]DP's own Scytale adds his reaction:[/b]

[quote]:lol: Had that in TE. Stared at it for about a minute.[/quote]

[b]rb makes the best deadpan comment:[/b]
[quote]The Christmas truce came a bit late for your nation.[/quote]

[b]Bbott adds his analysis:[/b]
[quote]I think this happens when the game is too lazy to do all the mathematical computations involved in a ground battle,[/quote]

[b]And then reveals his true motivation for posting in the first place:[/b]
[quote]but whatever. There should be a merit for getting a draw, just saying.....[/quote]

[b]Before, promptly, losing all sense of decorum:[/b]
[quote]can there be a merit for it? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE??????????[/quote]

[b]Thankfully, Dynasty came to the rescue with a link to the merits page. [/b]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Within the Alliance[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Ministry Changes [/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

A change in the Triumvirate, which has also opened up the position of Minister of Bad Poetry are the only changes to the Ministry this week. We're also still without a Deputy Minister for Towels. Otherwise, as you were, this is our current Ministry:

[color=#FF0000]Triumvirate: Jadoo1989, pudge1975, majorddf[/color]

[color=#4000FF]Minister of Hitchhikers (Members): Niu Garzukk
Deputy: unpronounced[/color]
[color=#40FF00]Minister of Towels (Economy): Nath1194
Deputy: VACANT[/color]
[color=#FFBF00]Minister of BabelFish (Diplomacy): Yankeefan2
Deputy: fallin[/color]
[color=#8000FF]Minister of Bad Poetry (Communications): VACANT
Deputy: Tyler Mattinglyb[/color]
[color=#FFFF00]Minister of Destructor Fleets (War): Espressoville
Deputy: Dynasty[/color]

[color=#40FFFF]Speaker of the HHA: Pourquoi
Legislator of the HHA: Bojangles[/color]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Just for Fun[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Vogon Poetry[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Dynasty, Scytale and Dr. Oct[/i]

Indecent slimy translucent Rhobidium shines illustriously singing standard recognized reformed transported cauliflower cambodiously coloring mountainously ginormous flounder gophers licitly lacerating myriads of valleys incandescently inconsistence uberating magnificent malicious azgoth mouthfuls of mindlessly mindful mush. Flowing puree placidly pushes sewage poking past misty peaks through several escaping through miniature mains. Counseling Consuls form Councils to Consol crabby innovations meeting luminescence lactase lacing numerous allowances causing catastrophic llamas yawning foul fowl to fabricate fabrics. Snow cones desire smart small enzymes to ensure the configuration of electronically bright fields flashing fountains foundlessly flasking falsely. Vines vacuum indigo umbrellas while ordering paradoxes to form confederations of guards within the bounds of ducks enlisting conscripted turtles to aquatic traumas. Biscuits groom grand escalators into assisting sizable oranges lazily drooping candy apples through constitutionally abolished factories for hampering into justifiable lucrative lassoes. Dogs cry war whilst hammering plows through crows tampering with drawing skills pardoned through extremely exuberance processes approved whilst approving bobbling bobble heads babbling towards fish lecturing bad poetry forth destructor fleets through towel shaped hitchhiking lizards lowering legal lakes leaving opulence and obligating limiting hamburgers on restaurants across blacktopped bushels flowering infinitely finite fantasies across tigers of iron.

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]The Editor's Drinking...[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

This week takes something of a dip in sophistication to a nice little, very alcoholic, shot; the Kamikaze.

I'm not usually one for shots, but on Thursday night I had a certain thrust for a couple after a particularly bad game of poker. Without wanting to bore you with specific details, I will simply say I was dumped out of game of Texas Hold em after being dealt a pair of Aces. It was a combination of my own incompetence and bad luck so I left the game both feeling annoyed at myself and angry with the universe. At times like this I find nothing but shots of potent substances to be efficient at restoring my normal, mellow demeanor.

So, I headed to the bar (a catchphrase of mine), only discover shots of vodka to be an outlandishly expensive £1.80 - for you Americans that's about... $1.80...

Lacking enough money on my person (I had just lost a game of poker) to get sufficiently drunk at that price I headed instead to the local store to purchase lemons. Yes, my mind works in strange circles. The lemons were actually a critical ingredient, however, in the cocktail I was already imagining; the kamikaze, which, I was positive, would get me adequately dispossessed from my senses at a reasonable price:

Kamikaze Ingredients:
1/3 Vodka
1/3 Triple Sec
1/3 Lime/Lemon Juice
(Lots of ICE!)

The marvelous thing about this drink (one of the marvelous things, for there are many) is that the quantities really are down to you. In this instance '1/3' turned out to be just over a shot cup (appox 60ml) of each ingredient (maybe slightly less lemon, I mean, juicing a shot's worth by hand is quite hard) which, when mixed together and stirred with ice (the ingredients can also be shaken together) produced about four (double) shots worth, which I happily lined up and down one after the other.

Now, another point on the utility of this drink, is that the alcohol content can be quite punishing. Vodka and Triple Sec are pretty high in alcoholic volume, and although you may not feel it at first, this one really does sneak up on you. After the first round I was feeling pleasantly buzzed, but slightly disappointed it hadn't had a stronger effect, so, I prepared a second round. It wasn't till I stood up after the first two of second round that I realized movement and coherent thought were only barely within my ability, so decided to call it a night. (Just a small health warning there.)

Anyhoo, to describe the drink, it's 'tasty' in that it certainly has you smacking your lips, it's a nice sweet/sour mix and, of course, quite alcoholic. It's also a great drink because it is very 'drinkable', for a shot comprised of 1/3 vodka, you don't feel any 'burn' or unpleasantness from the vodka at all, but instead, a tasty drink that goes down a treat. The other bonus is that - like with most cocktails - making your own results in a much reduced price. For six shots of vodka at the bar I'd have had to fork out nearly £11. Considering the bottles of vodka and triple sec (£10 each) were barely dented by the amount required for six shots of kamikaze and that the lemons were as cheap as heck, I think its fair to say you get waaaaay more booze for your buck with the homemade option.

Enjoy and Cheers.

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]You're Listening To What Now? (vol. 2)[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

Welcome to second edition of our eccentric music club. I thought for a long time: "what theme should we use now?" Obviously it should be based on admissions, but which of many? I decided to draw 3 songs, and base the theme on this. First one: Antony's "Cows with Guns". "Ok, that's a start. Second one: "Cows with Guns"! I technically didn't have to draw for the third time, I had my answer. But the fate was calling. I picked the third song... Again! Cows with Guns!
I am not a superstitious person, but this was rather spooky. Ah, the destiny!
[size=55]It might have had something to do with the fact that this was the only admission. I guess we'll never know...[/size]

So the theme for this edition is: "animation". It is really cool since I could use Psychostick again, if I'd run out of ideas.

Enjoy

[url=http://www.interlandi.net/flash/cows.swf]Cows with Guns[/url] - brought to you by [color=#00FF40][url=http://mostlyharmlessalliance.com/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=627]Antony[/url][/color]
We open up with a classic, a song which many versions made it into a CD [url=http://www.amazon.com/Cows-Guns-Cow-Nation-Cowpilation/dp/B000007SIC]Cowpilation![/url]

[url=http://www.biteycastle.com/theYuyu.html]The Yuyu[/url] - part of prize winning Brackenwood series by Adam Philips. More importantly - music made by Spider Stacy, James Walbourne and Andy Nolan, nice irish-ish folk-ish piece.

[url=http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/529391]LoZ: The Show Must Go On[/url] - brought to you by [color=#800080][url=http://mostlyharmlessalliance.com/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=4632]Liv2dy[/url][/color] (yeey for IRC lurking) is a Music Video for Queen's "Show must go on" starring Zelda characters/scenes. The fact that a little girly boy is singing it, instead of Freddy is particularly amusing.

:afro:

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]IRC U![/size][/b][/color]
[i]Written By: Pourquoi
Contributions By: Dynasty[/i]

A new addition to our already inflated Just For Fun section - some good ole fashioned IRC quotes. This week, all are contributed by Dynasty, but if you have any classics you'd like to contribute to the next edition then just post em in the DP Work Area, or PM them to Pourquoi.

[spoiler]<MikeCat> you know what i just thought of
<Gamer> is it the same thing i just thought of?

<TylerMattinglyb> Guess what I did?
<TylerMattinglyb> Went four wheeling in the snow!
<TylerMattinglyb>
<Jadoo1989[MHA]> isn't that dangerous for old people

<Draden[MHA]> im good. just took a few days off for the USMC Ball and hangin out with the gf
<Draden[MHA]> anything happen in the last few days
<Dynasty> MHA, RV, OSA, Athens, the International, and Scutterbug all signed a treaty
<TylerMattinglyb> LOL
<ScutterBug[MHA]> wtf?

<pudge1975> blepo is odd chill, we get a tax break for letting him in the alliance

<Niu[MHA]> stfu tyler
<Niu[MHA]>
* Niu[MHA] licks tyler in a closet
<TylerMattinglyb> Diablol.
<TheUltimate747> niu
<Niu[MHA]> locks*
<Diablofan> lol what?
<TheUltimate747> there is no recovery from that[/spoiler]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Closing[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

And so we come to the close of another Don't Panic. I end this edition by remarking that the Don't Panic is brought to you thanks to an amazing and dedicated team of guys who are always in need of help. If you want to do anything, from contribute information, an article, an interview, a cartoon or whatever, then please feel free to do so. If you're unsure on anything, please feel free to contact me, Pourquoi, of any of the other editors - any contribution is always greatly appreciated, and you'll find, as both of our newest staffers have found, we don't bite. (We may occasionally throw an empty whiskey bottle in a drunken rage, but the joy that is the internet will protect you from any physical harm - although the mental scares may last a lifetime... I'm not helping my case here am I?)

Anyhoo, a big thanks to our staff, and to you for reading. I estimate the DP has a readership of between 50 and 100 internally and up to 500 externally, which is quite a feat for this little troup. Keep reading, keep froody, and remember, Don't Panic!

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150] Staff Listing[/size][/b][/color]

Pourquoi, Editor in Chief, Drink Reviewer (and still enjoying it a waaay too much)
Dynasty, Editor, Vogon Poet (making staff + enemies run for their lives as he creates)
Scytale, Editor, War Correspondent (and general war machine)
Cormalek, Columnist, Reporter (first person to single-handedly write too much for one edition)
Doctor Octagonapus, Columnist, Reporter (fact checker exstrawdener... might need to check that)

Special Thanks To: majorddf + TylerMattingly and Bbott

[oinkoink12]

What is this I DONT EVEN?

[unpronounced]

Ha ha ha

That was funny!

Could use a bit editing and some illustrations to accompany it.

[Laomedon]

Hah. Excellent job! And very clever on the news from the front bit. Very creative.

[supercoolyellow]

109 votes, and decided by 5. That's just epic MHA!

[Diablofan]

This was quite a good read

Very nice job DP staffers

Although, you may wanna check the Spoiler BBCode

[AvengingAngel256]

Awesome Edition Guys! Kudos to all the writers! especially cormalek for the amusing news from the front! haha.
I remember Bbott posting that on the forums, Epic Draw lol.

another great issue

[Banksy]

Wow- your IRC channel must be off the !@#$@#$ chain....

Good read all the same- a solid news section

[janax]

573 members....109 votes?

Ouch.

Congrats Majorddf

[scytale]

[quote name='janax' date='11 March 2010 - 01:24 AM' timestamp='1268288967' post='2221903']
573 members....109 votes?

Ouch.

Congrats Majorddf
[/quote]
I believe that's a better turn out than the American Presidential elections.

[janax]

OOC: Sadly, you are probably correct


Draden is some big shoes to fill, at least around our area, I hope Majorddf is up to it

[Homeboy]

Entertaining read, congrats on your elections.