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Uralica

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  1. Uralica
    Regular Season Wrap-Up
    Marko Mäkelä
    The largest and most exciting regular season of Uralican football has finally come to a close, with SiPS doing the expected and claiming their third consecutive Shield of Honour as they won the Bolakliiga by five points. The big difference this season is who their number-one rivals were, considering that Dinamo Kirov finished a surprisingly low fourth. Instead, it was the Komi-Menno Derby between SiPS and Telekom Pazhga that turned out to be the big story this season, as the 'Kom went from finishing a disappointing tenth last season to finishing second this season thanks to career years from several players, not the least of which was Diedrik Siemens, who finished only two back of SiPS wunderkind Hessu Öörni for the league's assist lead.
    Here's a look at the league-by-league story, though.
    The Bolakliiga
    Award Winners: Petteri Vahalahti, SiPS (Golden Ball/MVP, Sami Hyypiä Trophy/Best Defensive Player), Joni Rasimus, SiPS (Golden Shoe/Top Scorer - he had 43 goals this season), Trevor Renzenbrink, Telekom Pazhga (Golden Gloves/Best Goalkeeper), Diedrik Siemens, Telekom Pazhga (Fair Play Award/Most Sportsmanlike Player), Csaba Száláy, Amkar Perm' (Best Youth Player).
    Biggest surprises: Telekom Pazhga finishing second, FK Inta not getting relegated, FK Vorkuta finishing mid-table in spite of a horrendous start.
    Biggest disappointments: Amkar Perm' finishing below .500 after losing the aforementioned Száláy to injury mere days after acquiring him, Udmurtiya Izhevsk, Mashinostroitel Kirov, and Dinamo Vologda having sub-par years, Spartak Ukhta almost getting relegated only a year after finishing 10th.
    Relegated: FK Kotlas, FK Syktyvkar, FK Kirov.
    The Bolakliiga was indeed interesting this season. Several teams were bitten by the injury bug, most notably Metafraks Gubakha, who at one point had all but four of their starters in the stands. Mashinostroitel Kirov was another one of these, although even when at full health they had so much trouble scoring that star goalkeeper Yevgeny Kudymov left for Mordovia Saransk in the Ykkönen, where he ended up guiding the Clarets to a mind-blowing perfect record of 38-0-0. Expect a major shakeup there in the offseason.
    The three teams that were relegated were three of the four lowest-rated teams coming into the season, although the lowest-rated team at that point, FK Inta, managed to fight tooth and nail to stay out of relegation, although I don't think they'll be able to stave that off for another year, as much as they've improved. Both Mordovia Saransk and their runners-up, Ural Yekaterinburg, look like staying up after the 2011 season. As for the playoff winners, that remains to be seen. Last year's 1-nen playoff winners, CSKVC Kirov, actually finished in the last non-red zone position, 15 points clear of FK Kotlas. I have a feeling they'll be going down after next season, but who knows?
    I have to hand it to Milan Sorokin, though. He took a limited budget and a horrible team that was expected to finish the season in single-digit points, and pulled them out of the gutter enough that they finished ahead of even Spartak Ukhta, getting double-digit wins. Easily the manager of the year. Not that Spartak didn't help them out somewhat by absolutely sucking, of course. There's another team I'm expecting a shakeup from in the off-season, before the 3rd annual Kanslerinkilpi starts in late February. I expect no fewer than five managers to lose their jobs in the B-liiga alone.
    Ykkönen
    2010 was the year of the Old Guard. Two teams from the old Russian system finished 1-2, with Mordovia Saransk utterly obliterating all competition and leaving even Ural Yekaterinburg eating their dust. It's not like Ural didn't have a fight in the late stages for second place, either. I would heavily favour Öskölömen PK to win the Ykkönen playoffs - they got unlucky last year, running into a then-hot goalkeeper who spent most of this B-Liiga season injured. It's not like they'll rampage over the other three playoff teams - their archrivals Usovuoren JK, much-improved Spartak Yoshkar-Ola, and Old-Guarders Fortuna Nizhny Tagil - but I think they have enough of an edge in talent that betting on them would be pretty safe.
    The biggest disappointment this season has to be that Pechorski SK didn't make the playoffs after doing so last year - they finished seven clear of Fortuna with 73 points, and finished ahead of Turan Ukhta on goal differential. Not far behind them, though, was this season's biggest surprise, and most-improved team by far. Isoustiukin Pallokerho finished just one point ahead of being relegated last season, but they did a major 180 this season, finishing ninth - seven behind Pechorski and Turan, and 12 ahead of Spartak Kirov and FK Ukhta (who also improved a fair bit). Two teams that haven't seemed to improve at all, though, are FK Kudymkar and Lokomotiv Kotlas - the latter saw themselves relegated for the second season in a row. FK Berezniki will be joining them, as will Khimik Koryazhma, whose luck ran out this season. Had they allowed but five fewer goals this season, they would be forced to a playoff against Olimpia Kirovo-Chepetsk.
    Playoff rotation (starts Saturday, 4 December 2010):
    (2) Öskölömen Palloklubi vs. (5) Fortuna Nizhny Tagil
    (3) Usovuoren JK vs. (4) Spartak Yoshkar-Ola
    The Kakkonen
    Three entire tiers, comprising 26 divisions, debuted this season. The highest of these was the Kakkonen, which is split into two geographically-oriented divisions.
    The Kakkonen West started as a three-way battle between Severstal Cherepovets, Sever Murmansk, and Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola, but quickly went two-way once Csaba Száláy was shipped to Amkar during the summer transfer window. Severstal eventually won the lone auto-promotion spot.
    Playoff Rotation West:
    (2) Sever Murmansk vs. (5) Magyar LK
    (3) Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola vs. (4) Mennonites FC
    Goin' down down down down: Karjala JK, Sapmi FK to Kolmonen A, Arsenal Syktyvkar, SSP Syktyvkar to Kolmonen D.
    As for the Kakkonen East, the big story this season was the continuation of the feel-good story of this year's Kanslerinkilpi. Khalmer-Yu Town is based in a town with roughly five thousand inhabitants, and yet the level of football they play there makes you think the sleepy Northeast Uralican junction town is twenty times that size or more. They refused to sell during the transfer window, and it paid off as they dropped just six points all season (one loss and two draws). Who knows how far they'll go?
    The real battle this season, then, was for the four playoff spots, and let's be honest here, one can't help feeling horrible for Nenets FK, who were in playoff position until the very last match - injuries took their toll down the stretch and they ended up on the outside looking in.
    Playoff rotation:
    (2) Energiya Chaykovsky vs. (5) Progress Inta
    (3) Rossia Krasnokamsk vs. (4) Octane Perm'
    Goin' down down down down: FK Kungur, Pshenitsa Kudymkar to Kolmonen F, Traktor Berezniki, CSKVC Ukhta to Kolmonen H.
    The Kolmonen
    So they tried 24 teams per division this season in the Kolmonen and Nelonen, and it failed from the get-go because of awkward scheduling, so they immediately set about downsizing it, making promotion and relegation rather screwy in both divisions.
    To be honest, though, the upper ranks weren't affected. One team goes up regardless of how many come down. Instead of a playoff tournament, they have a three-round Kolmonen Championship tournament played with the roofs closed (retractable roofs are mandatory in Uralica) between the eight teams that won their respective zones.
    Kolmonen A - Karelia/Sapmi: Viipurin Palloseura
    Kolmonen B - Western Uralica: Rapid Konosha (hoo boy was this ever close between them and Sheksna Cherepovets! Classic stuff!)
    Kolmonen C - Southwestern Uralica: Sokol Sernur
    Kolmonen D - Kirov-Syktyvkar: Peltinischer Sport Verein
    Kolmonen E - Udmurtiya: FK Votka
    Kolmonen F - Permski Rayon: TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky (the only other team in Uralica that had a perfect season domestically)
    Kolmonen G - Southeast Uralica: Zenit Nevyansk
    Kolmonen H - Northeastern Uralica: Gazovik Urengoy
    Draw: A vs. F, H vs. C, D vs. G, E vs. B
    So that will keep the Kolmonen fans interested for another couple of weeks.
    Relegation varied depending on which zones got teams from relegation and which didn't. It is normally like this, but making things even more interesting was the whole downsizing.
    For a complete list of all relegated teams, check this site's Tables section.
    The Nelonen
    This season's bottom tier also dumped teams down, but in their case it was to help create a brand new division. The minimum relegation mandated for each was six teams, although some had more - a couple had as many as nine teams go down to help form the 32-division Vitonen, which debuts next March. In the same way, those zones that didn't receive many from relegation will have brand new teams debut next season.
    A clerical error at the season's beginning resulted in several teams that should've been in Sub-Zone D2 playing in Sub-Zone D1. Some of these were relegated, while others will play in the D2 next season. This shift actually meant extra relegation for the D1.
    The sixteen sub-zonal champions will play against each other for the Nelonen Championship, while there are playoffs in most sub-zones to determine sixteen more teams to be promoted.
    Nelonen Sub-Zone Champs
    Sub-Zone A1 (Karelia): Transit Vojatsu
    Sub-Zone A2 (Sapmi): Rapid Kuálõk
    Sub-Zone B1 (West Uralica): FK Vytegra
    Sub-Zone B2 (Northwestern Uralica): Neftekhimik Onega
    Sub-Zone C1 (Southern Uralica): Chŏvash Ulatŏr
    Sub-Zone C2 (Mari El): Volga Yulser-Ola
    Sub-Zone D1 (Kirovski Rayon): Transit Omuntninsk
    Sub-Zone D2 (Komi-Menno): Peltinischer FC
    Sub-Zone E1 (Udmurtiya North): Transit Votka
    Sub-Zone E2 (Udmurtiya South + Izhevsk): Neftçi Ägerce
    Sub-Zone F1 (Permski Rayon North): Tsementnik Berezniki
    Sub-Zone F2 (Permski Rayon South): Dinamo Osa
    Sub-Zone G1 (Southeast Uralica South/East): Zenit Yekaterinburg
    Sub-Zone G2 (Southeast Uralica North/West): Rapid Nizhny Tagil
    Sub-Zone H1 (Ural West Slope): Progress Vorkuta
    Sub-Zone H2 (Yamalia-Yugra): YugraMash Kogalym
    Draw: A1 vs. D2, H2 vs. F1, B1 vs. G1, C2 vs. E1, F2 vs. A2, E2 vs. H1, G2 vs. B2, C1 vs. D1.
    Playoff draws are available in the site's Fixture Section.
  2. Uralica

    A bit about Uralica

    By Uralica,

    A Bit About Uralica
    So people wonder, what is Uralica all about?
    This nation was founded on 18 March of last year by Jarkko Salomäki (then known as KingJarkko) and several other leaders of the Uralicist movement which had started a year earlier, among these being Dr. Ovdey Shlomov, Jyrki Koskela, Martin Jarvilaturi, Mikhail Suvanov, and Jason Fisk. The ideal behind the Uralicist movement was to provide a homeland for the peoples that spoke the Uralic languages other than the three major ones - Finnish, Hungarian and Estonian - and the idea turned out to be quite successful.
    Although in theory, the Uralicist movement called for ALL Uralic languages to be made official, many of these were either extinct or close enough to it that this became impractical. However, with Uralica's two-tier official language system, there are still numerous languages spoken in Uralica - only a small fraction of the population are monolingual and only half a percent are only bilingual. This combined with a passion for education and culture has given Uralica a very unique flavour. Take a stroll down the main streets of Syktyvkar, the Uralican capital, and you will plainly see and hear this culture. More often than not you will notice Uralicans switch languages in mid-conversation.
    Not all the languages spoken in Uralica are Uralic, of course. Given how Uralica is situated within what was once Russia, Russian is one of the most common languages. Also, due to heavy influxes from the Finnish and Estonian diasporas in North America, and the Canadian Mennonite population, English is a major language of the nation. This proves useful in business, where English is a dominant language on Planet Bob.
    A less major non-Uralic official language is Plautdietsch, the Low German language spoken by some Canadian Mennonites. It has undergone something of a linguistic revival in Uralica.
    In total, the official languages number thirty-one:
    Official Legal Languages: Finnish, English, Russian
    Offical Tribal Languages: Komi-Zyrian, Komi-Permyak, Moksha, Erzya, Udmurt, Khanty, Mansi, East Mari, West Mari, Plautdietsch, Hungarian, Skolt Sami, Inari Sami, North Sami, Lule Sami, South Sami, Kildin Sami, Nenets, Nganasan, Selkup, Estonian, Veps, Livvi, Karelian, Võru, Kven, and Meänkieli (also called Tornedalen Finnish)
    A few other languages are spoken. In a recent census, there were speakers of Bashkir, Tatar, Yakut, French, Hebrew, German, Norwegian, Swedish, Enets, Latvian, Yukaghir, and the last-known speakers of Vod, Liv, Ume and Pite Sami, and Ingrian, within Uralica.
    The predominant religion in Uralica has always been Christianity, although there is also a sizable population of Jews. The Christians are divided into four denominations between which there is much interaction and camaraderie: Roman Catholicism, Uralican Orthodox, Uralican Evangelical Baptist, and Mennonite. These beliefs play a large role in Uralican daily life, and also influence Uralica's foreign policy - after all, Uralica did start as a nation in the Christian Coalition of Countries. The Eternal-ZI Abstinence Act was passed after ruler Jarkko Salomäki signed the ZI Peace Pact (when in the CCC), meaning that Uralica will never partake in the enforcement of an Eternal-ZI regardless of her alliance. This is based on the Christian ideal of forgiveness. Also, tech-raiding is, by Uralican law, unconstitutional, which squares well with both Christian and Judaic anti-theft principles.
    On the ligher side, the religious beliefs of the nation have inspired a great deal of musical and cultural activity. No example is better than that of Finnish Christian death metal/thrash act Pelastus (Finnish for "redemption") who are among the best-selling bands from Uralica.
    Aside from their uncanny linguistic prowess and Judeo-Christian beliefs, Uralicans have a strong musical tradition that takes the best of its contributing ethnicities and combines them into a very flavourful mix. Sometimes the result is something new. The Finnish kantele for example has found its way both into classical music and into the mainstream music scene.
    As classical music in Uralica goes, it is not uncommon to hear Tchaikovsky and Sibelius played in the same night. And up-and-coming Uralican composers are serenading international audiences with their compositions. Whether it be the Neo-Classical stylings of the nation's ruler, Sirkka Numminen, or Ruslan Kamyshin, or the Symphonic Electronic sounds of Jyrki Koistinen, Karl Miller, Klaas Janssen, or Martin Kosk, the local composition is quickly earning its reputation.
    Mainstream music is also quite varied. Rock/metal music and electronic music dominate the local scene, with urban music listening in Uralica mostly coming from abroad. Bands like the aforementioned Pelastus, industrial metal group Digitoxicosis, thrash group Cold Steel, and rock bands Cranked, End of Sorrows, The Slashers, Konduktor, and The Myllyjärvi Family are popular abroad in the rock and metal circles, while the acts emerging from the TranceAddicts Club in Kirov have far-reaching audiences in trance (Krystallite, Ruslan Tikhonov, Nikolai Shevchuk, Kari Ojala, Rutger Guussen, Ashford Road, Sointula), ambient (DC76, Mika Ukkonen, Ethereal Vortex, TundraSounds), and industrial (Bane Of The Machine, Enemy's Enemy, Blacklight Theory, Digital Exorcism, Sonic Terrorist Network).
    If you're interested in paying the nation a visit, I suggest you do so. The people are very friendly and easy-going towards tourists of all nationalities, and there are so many things to see and do within the nation. Syktyvkar, the capital of Uralica, is particularly noteworthy, having over a third of Uralica's top 100 tourist attractions and sights, not the least of which are the Uralican World Trade Centre, the Uralic Cultural Centre, the Filharmonia, Syktyvkar Stadion (home to the Uralican national men's soccer team and several club teams), and several beautiful churches and cathedrals.
    There is always free drop-in sport in towns of population over 500, which, along with a radio station, is both required and funded by the Uralican government. Kick a soccer ball around with some locals, play a few rounds of tennis or badminton, or maybe give team handball (käsipallo) a try. If sport isn't your thing, perhaps check out one of Uralica's numerous public libraries, go to a concert, or catch a movie. If you're staying for a longer period of time, perhaps you might consider taking a course at Uralikan Yliopisto, the state university of Uralica.
    I hope you enjoy your time here.
  3. Uralica
    Lamuella brought this up in the \m/ Announcement thread, and I thought it was too good an idea to not run with
    Lam actually had four ideas, but one was kinda implied by the thread it was in
    So what are your ideas? What would be a sure sign, in your mind, that Planet Bob was soon to come to an end?
    Total list:
    *\m/ stopping tech-raiding (which has happened, sort of. They've only suspended it.)
    *GPA declaring on someone for no reason
    *RV joining GOONS
    *that OOC thing about Norway and NordReich
    *Jarkko ever attacking a legit CCC member.
    *lebubu joining TOOL
    *Starfox joining Polaris
    *King Penchuk joining TSO
    *
    *The Ordinance of Order being canceled. (Been done)
    *The Sovereignty Pact being canceled.
    *The Harmlins Accords being canceled.
    *wickedj having friends. (He has friends )
    *MK merging into GDA.
    Keep heckling out of this. "Impossible" situations only, please.
  5. Uralica
    Top Stories
    TOOL, Uralica Declare War
    SYKTYVKAR - In a lengthy meeting of the Uralican Tribal Council two days ago, a motion to declare war on the rogue nation of NZ Empire, ruled by bosoxmaniac159, was put forward by a member of the Komi Tribe, and passed unanimously. This was after the same nation decided to attack the nation of Arson from Sparta without warning, provocation, or the approval of The Order Of Light's Inquisition.
    To compound this transgression, he would later refuse to remove all marks of affiliation from his nation, even after his nation was reduced to 45% of its initial size by three Spartan nations, including Wyertap, who received a shipment of K$3 million from Uralica nine days ago and other monetary shipments from TOOL nations in recompense for both the initial damage done and the amount of aid Bosox was able to launder from TOOL beforehand.
    No actual armed conflict was handled by Uralica, however, as the nation was too small to do so. Instead, Uralica will fight Bosoxmaniac's obstinate "ghosting" with its bank account. Additionally, several hi-tech companies in the country are working overtime to produce the technology needed for some nations to fight. Finally, Uralican Tribal Chief Jarkko Salomäki is commanding the war effort, which is presently being fought in by the nation of New Lemuria, ruled by EionI. Rumours of further nations engaging in combat have neither been confirmed nor denied by Salomäki, who is a prominent military official within The Order Of Light on the whole.
    Uralican ERHDC (Emergency Relief and Human Development Corps) units were scrambled to NZ Empire to help evacuate fleeing civilians to the closest TOOL nation, Menairalis.
    About the war, Salomäki had this to say:
    "Anyone who thinks TOOL is in the wrong in doing this has no idea which end is up. We don't just randomly attack 'our own people.' There are rules to be followed in TOOL. Break the rules severely enough, and you get booted. Refuse to leave, you get attacked. It's like Pintelhos Disco all over again. At least we are trying to evacuate their civilians to a safe place. It's not their fault their own ruler went off the deep end and that their military still follows him. And what about the tens of thousands of innocent Spartan civilians that were killed, because Bosox doesn't have anything like our ERHDC? This cause is a just one, and we will not let a nation who puts vengeance before the greater good sit on our alliance affiliation. He removes the marks, he's off the hook. He doesn't, his nation is as good as occupied. But either way, he shall never again be allowed to be associated with our alliance. The Lord Captain Commander of TOOL, grahamkeatley, made this very clear."
    Ural Mountains Stock Exchange Open For Business
    YEKATERINBURG - Welcome to Robertian finance, UMSX.
    The buying and selling of domestic and international stock just got a lot easier in Uralica, with the official opening of the UMSX early Sunday morning in Uralica's largest city, Yekaterinburg. The highest-valued stocks, naturally, were those of Bolak Corp., the Uralican mining and industrial conglomerate which also owns several retail chains in Uralica and other TOOL and CCC nations, with other companies such as Gornyak Uralica, Magyar Independent, Uralikan Ykköspankki, UralTek, INB (Irlande National Bank), Christian Sport, Inc., and Detonate Hate Records (the label of several Uralican metal and hard rock outfits) also posting strong values.
    The aforementioned Ykköspankki and its rivals also get a much-vaunted reprieve in terms of crowds both online and offline. UYP technology representative Miikko Suominen said that his employers alone had their web traffic cut in half due to the fact that currency exchange can be done at www.usmx.com.ur, and also, that the more thorough requests that had to be footed in-branch could now be done at USMX itself.
  6. Uralica
    ...you talk about CN-speak in a major sociolinguistics paper and get full marks for that particular section.
    I got 44/50 on the paper in total, but 6/6 for this section.
    Now I obviously over-simplified some things, but this was a paper on my personal speech and what motivates it, not a paper strictly on CN. Anyway, I should be back to writing IC blogs come next Sunday.
  7. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Salomäki: "I Made An Ass Of Myself"
    SYKTYVKAR - in a press conference today, Jarkko Salomäki publicly apologised for a snafu he made by appearing to take sides in the latest world conflict between the Sirius bloc and the AcTi alliance, as well as renaming the conflict article on the Robertian World News Network website, www.rwnn.org.bob, without an international consensus.
    "Yeah, I made an ass of myself," Jarkko said. "Vaido [Kuik] and Ovdey [shlomov] both gave me hell for it, I headdesked about half a dozen times, then I decided to apologise, say the criticism was fair dinkum, and move on."
    Vaido Kuik confirmed this statement.
    "I saw what he'd done and that [RWNN executive] Locke had changed it back, and I thought to myself, 'Jarkko, you clown!' So I got in my car and drove across Syktyvkar to his place, knocked on his door, and as I open it, there's Ovdey walking out. So I ask him what he was doing there, and he said he decided to set Dweebko (sic) straight on showing even the slightest support for either side in this ridiculous war, and that he must have headdesked at least four times. So in I go, and Jarkko asks me, 'lemme guess, you didn't like that I wrote something that could be construed as showing support?' and I'm like, 'No, I just got whined at by Locke about you changing the name of a war without consensus.' Which of course was exaggerating, but he knows I do that. So he groaned loudly and headdesked yet again, whining that it just wasn't his day. Now here he is, apologising for it, not really out of compulsion. I think he felt pretty bad about the whole thing."
    War Protest In Kirov
    KIROV - a peaceful rally against the current war, which organiser Jarmo Eerikäinen said was not necessarily against one side or the other, started last night, not long after Jarkko Salomäki publicly apologised for a few diplomatic faux pas he had made.
    The highlights of the rally included approved covers of three songs: Pelastus covered Fear Factory's "Hi-Tech Hate," Bane of the Machine (sans Salomäki, who was replaced by Jeff Laukkanen) and Mowdown teamed up to cover Genesis' ten-minute epic "Domino," and Digitoxicosis covered Front Line Assembly track "Millennium." Along with these, Pelastus cranked out their single "The HateKilla." Enemy's Enemy brought a Jewish angle to it with their single, "All Will Burn."
    Sports
    ZavU Stuns SiPS, CSKVC Puts One Nail In Three Coffins
    On a wacky day in the Bolakliiga, SiPS' 34-game unbeaten streak was shattered by a late Fedor Poustovoitov goal as Zavod Ural Solikamsk won 2-1. Ruslan Zakharchuk scored the other goal for the winners, while league goal-scoring leader Joni Rasimus scored the lone goal for the losers.
    "We wanted to win them all," said manager Teppo Kostamo, "but you know what? We realise we can't. We weren't playing our best, and they most certainly were. Don't blame it all on Jarkko [salomäki] being off doing political stuff. Our defence is deep enough that we should have been able to handle them, but our offence wasn't up to snuff other than Joni and Hessu [Öörni, the team's assist leader this season]. They won. We lost. Fair play. We'll have to regroup and do better next match. All there is to it."
    Their next match, on the 13th, is against MetaFraks Gubakha.
    There were several other "upsets" on the 6th. Most notable from a table point of view was 17th-place CSKVC Kirov's 2-1 win over 13th-place Metafraks Gubakha, which simultaneously doomed FK Syktyvkar, FK Kirov, and FK Kotlas to relegation. FK Inta stunned last year's 8th-place side, Spartak Ukhta, by the same, while FK Vorkuta surprised Transit Sosnogorsk 3-2 in a comedy of errors.
  8. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Campers Head North To Beat The Heat
    KHALMER-YU - The mayor of Khalmer-Yu was mocked by foreign mayors for having his infrastructure built up to be able to support fourteen thousand people - roughly four times the town's population. But he stuck to it, and he's glad he ignored the naysayers, because there has been a rush northward in an effort to beat the heat in the southern half of the country - as a result, tourism in Khalmer-Yu has exploded.
    They are hardly alone in this regard. Cooler northern cities and towns such as Mezen', Shchelyayur, Salyakharad, Tazovsky, Lapyt-Nank, Naryan-Mar, and even Novyy Urengoy, have experienced a temporary population boom as a heat wave in parts of the country (most notably Saransk, where the temperature spiked at 36.2 degrees Celsius yesterday, well above seasonal norms).
    "People who have low heat tolerance tend to move north during these hot spells," said one Uralican meteorologist. "On top of that, where our tourists from out of country go depends on the same thing. Usually, almost the entire country is full of people who don't like the heat. But southern Uralica west of the Urals has been kinda hot this year."
    Fortunately, just because the area is hot doesn't always entail a drop in tourism. In fact, in the case of the three major Uralican cities along the Volga - that is, Tsykmä, Cheboksary, and Yulser-Ola - the effect has been the exact opposite, as water-bound revelers jump in to beat the heat.
    First Uralicans In Space: Blast-Off Scheduled For 19 August
    MIRNYY - With a municipal merger to take effect on 1 September 2010, Mirnyy has one last event to occur before it loses its separate status. On Thursday, 19 August 2010, the first rocket launched from the Plesetsk Cosmodrome since the First Great War will carry a satellite, named Vapaus I ("Freedom I") into orbit.
    Education
    Salomäki To Teach Undergrad Linguistics In 2010-11 Scholastic Year
    SYKTYVKAR - "If I have the degree, I might as well use it, eh?"
    This is the reasoning behind Tribal Chief Jarkko Salomäki's recent decision to sign on at Uralikan Yliopisto as a sessional instructor. Although his political commitments limit the time he can spend teaching, he still will be able to teach some smaller classes.
    Uralikan Yliopisto has, since its founding, been on the cutting edge of linguistics in both theory and application (and the interaction between the two), and there are almost a hundred twenty professors teaching linguistics across UY's various campuses, of which Salomäki is only the latest. Never satisfied with an honorary degree, he spent the summer largely working on fulfilling the normal requirements for a Masters' Degree, with his thesis being on the re-emergence of the use of various cases in Uralican Spoken Finnish.
    The President of UY, Dr. Ovdey Shlomov, said that Salomäki is qualified to teach any undergraduate course in linguistics, but that he has settled on six specific courses to teach during the school year:
    LING 150 - Introduction to The Linguistics Of The Languages of Siberia And The Ural-Volga Region
    LING 210B - Seminar In A Language Of The Americas (Kwakw'ala)
    LING 290 - Writing Systems Of The World
    LING 310 - Introductory Linguistics For Senior Students
    LING 377 - Minority Language Issues
    ALNG 420 - Literacy Development
    Semesters have not been chosen yet.
  9. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Snowfall Already?
    KOLOSJOKI - Yes, it's snowing already in the northernmost parts of Uralica.
    The year's first snowfall was recorded in Belushya Guba, on the South Island of Novaja Zemlja, near the beginning of the month, however it was overnight, and it turned to rain in the afternoon.
    But last night was a different story entirely. Several major centres in Uralica's northern areas got blanketed with an average of about two inches of snow. Although Uralican vehicles are equipped to handle all but the heaviest of snowfalls, fewer cars were on the road as people carpooled to church services and soccer matches.
    It was the first consistent snowfall recorded in any major centres - Murmansk, Kolosjoki, Naryan-Mar, Tazovsky, and Mezen' all recorded snow. Surprinsingly, the snow seemed to miss Arkhangel'sk and Severodvinsk. But according to some meteorologists in Uralica, that won't last long.
    "The weather forecasters are calling for snow in the Unified Port area as early as tomorrow afternoon," Jarkko Salomäki said in an interview, still decked out in shorts in spite of cooler weather in Izhevsk, where the low was 0C and the high 4C. "Apparently the Ob Bend is gonna get snow later in the week, too. Ah well, we can handle it. By the time November comes around, almost every Uralican city should have had at least frost."
    Uralikan Yliopisto Expanding Course Selection
    SYKTYVKAR - Dr. Ovdey Shlomov was grinning from ear to ear as he declared that, with the addition of several new sessional professors to the UY roster, the course selection the institute offers will grow starting in January 2011.
    "It shouldn't be surprising that most of these expansions are going to be in the Faculty of Humanities," Shlomov said in an interview after the press conference in question. "In particular, Turkic and Central Asian Studies, Asian Language Studies, and Uralic Studies are in for the largest expansions. International Studies is being overhauled as well, but that overhaul will not be complete until May in all likelihood."
    In other UY news, the university is seeking to expand its already large base of foreign affiliations, looking into exchange agreements from any willing university.
    Uralican News
    Fish Stocks In Upper Mezen' River Recovering
    USOVUORI - Five months after the completion of the cleanup of a chemical leak emanating from a nearby defunct chemical weapons depot (and the dismantling of the same), fluvial ecologists are now saying that implanted fish stocks are starting to take hold in the upper Mezen' River, which was heavily polluted by the leak.
    This is good news for fishing enthusiasts for the area, who were worried that the trout and whitefish stocks would be gone for good.
    Sports
    SiPS Surges, Telekom Looming
    SYKTYVKAR - So Telekom Pazhga finally made SiPS drop points. Time to wonder if SiPS is gonna let this slip away, right?
    WRONG.
    A Joni Rasimus hat trick propelled the two-time defending Bolakliiga champs to a 5-1 thrashing of slumping Udmurtiya Izhevsk. But one can't count the 'Kom out just yet. They easily dispatched an improved but still half-rate FK Inta 2-0. With Khavkuk Shlomov still injured after having his leg broken in an international friendly back in early August, Dinamo Kirov has been struggling to keep pace with SiPS, although they have maintained a respectable third place.
    In spite of the loss, FK Inta needs just two points in the last six matches to secure a place in the B-Liiga for next season. The likely drops appear to be the three "FKs Of Fail," as one foreign publisher dubbed them with a hint of malice - these are FK Kotlas, FK Kirov, and FK Syktyvkar, with FK Kirov being in last place with just 7 points this season. CSKVC Kirov can still drop down - they need no fewer than three victories to stay up.
    In the Ykkönen, it is looking like Mordovia Saransk and Ural Yekaterinburg are locks for the B-Liiga for next season, but behind them is appearing an epic battle for the four playoff spots. On the other end, Lokomotiv Kotlas is already guaranteed relegation (to the Kakkonen West).
    CSKA Kirov The Team To Watch This Season
    KIROV - With the UIHL season now just underway, all eyes seem to be on someone other than HK Syktyvkar for a change. Although HKS did win the Kurri Trophy for topping the Uralican hockey scene, they got quite the fight from CSKA Kirov, and now everyone is left wondering whether they will bounce back this season and win it all.
    "They have a good team, there's no question about that," said HKS star Matvey Kolpakov. "They have a real physical presence, and can play up-tempo hockey. Plus when you play them, you can't be afraid to goon things up a little, because that's what they do. But it's nothing bush league. Just they love a good fight once in a while is all. We've played against teams from other nations that balk at fighting, yet they use every cheap trick in the book then go and hide behind the refs. Not CSKA Kirov. Or any Uralican team for that matter."
  10. Uralica

    OOC: O hai thur.

    By Uralica,

    Yes, I am still alive. I'm having my nation sat, though. PlanckBorn is da man.
    For anyone wondering where I am, I'm at Trinity Western University in Langley, British Columbia, studying linguistics.
    So no new IC blogs now until mid-August. Most I'll be investing into CN is streamlining my Wiki (I had 25 articles deleted today) because school has to take priority over CN drama. I may post a linguistics paper in my blog though.
    [wʌɾ ɪz θɪs aj downt ivən]
  11. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Polls: Opinions of Current War Shifted
    SYKTYVKAR With the twists and turns that the current war scenario has taken over the last week, 96% of Uralicans are no longer sure what side they support, or if they support any at all. However, 100% of Uralicans polled say they still support the work of the Emergency Relief and Human Development Corps, which is the only branch of the Uralican Armed Forces that has actually been deployed, since Uralica is under orders from TOOL to not declare war on anyone.
    Jarkko Salomäki himself says this war has left a bad taste in his mouth.
    "This war does indeed show that one needs to be careful who they trust," he said, gravely. "For the first time in Uralica's history, we are involved in a war, where there's no question that neither side is 100% right or wrong, as opposed to Karma where it was fuzzy, and our theatre of War of the Coalition where our alliance was in the wrong. It's not a pleasant feeling."
    Miettinen - Economy Down, Uralica Making Efficient Use Of Surplus
    SYKTYVKAR - If Dr. Esa Miettinen has anything to say about it, Uralica is making the best of a bad situation. Due to its non-involvement in the recent war situation, its economy has taken something of a downturn. The hardest-hit area is metallurgy, with no weapons being made in Uralica at this point in time. However, Uralica has used the surplus it has gained from taxes to continue to pay public service workers.
    Bolak Corp. CEO and President Konstantin Tsymbalaryov remains optimistic that the worst is over, however he also pointed out that he enacted a universal pay cut which had been ratified both by the company board and the union board (made up of representatives from every union representing Bolak employees) two days ago. He was quick to note that the pay cut also applies to him directly.
    "If the lowest people on the ladder have to take a cut, everyone has to take a cut," he made clear. "That includes me, that includes the members of the board, that includes district management, and that includes branch management. But I have to give the Uralican government credit for using their surplus wisely, to dampen the blow so to speak."
    Uralican News
    Kalikayeva, Koppinen Among February's Tribal Council Members
    When elections finished on 1 February, Uralica once again had Tribal elections, even as TOOL went to war. Not surprisingly, all of the so-called "Founding Fathers And Mothers" not named Jarkko Salomäki - Vaido Kuik, Lasse Mäkelä, Ovdey Shlomov, Yevgeny Kolpakov, Matti Koppinen, Meri Vanhanen, Olga Guznishcheva, and Kennet Kjetilssen, were elected, although in the case of Koppinen, this was his first election in five months, as he had sat those elections out. The Headmaster of the Uralican Transdenominational Seminary (UTDS) and Head Pastor of Church of the Resurrection in Pazhga is one of the driving forces behind Christianity in Uralica, but he says not to worry about the separation of church and state, an issue that has only been brought up by foreigners.
    In the meantime, voters loved the environmentalist policies of Yulya Kalikayeva enough that they voted her back in after she was appointed as the replacement of the late Vladimir Filipov, who passed away New Year's Day from complications of bacterial pneumonia. This is her first term as an elected Council member. There is another such person in the Council this term as well, Samoyedic Tribe member Georgi Prokofiyev. Although ethnic Russian, Prokofiyev speaks fluent Selkup and "is working on his Nganasan" according to some in the council, plus he has been an advocate for the rights of the ethnicity. His hometown is Lapyt-Nank, Yamalia, and according to Vaido Kuik, his specialties are ethnic rights and land management.
    Sports
    Qualifiers Face Rough Road After Exciting Day Of Football
    VOJATSU - With the ring of Fedot Ferapontov's penalty shootout shot off the left post, Transit Vojatsu had accomplished the unthinkable, beating heavily the favoured reserve team of Amkar Perm' 10-9 in a marathon match, and had simultaneously brought to an end a day of thrilling football. Out of the 144 qualifying matches, thirty-five of them went past regulation, with six, including the Transit/Amkar-II match, going to penalties, and the other twenty-nine ending with a golden goal.
    It was expected that the biggest blowout would come in the match between Dinamo-II Kirov and FK Pirogovo, and indeed it was a blowout, with the home side winning 6-1. However, the most lopsided match was that between Udmurtiya Izhevsk's reserve team and a rather incompetent Gornyak Polevskoy club, with the final score being 8-0 for UIFK's reserves.
    There were a few upsets in the mix, though.
    Some of these saw reserve teams of Bolakliiga and Ykkönen clubs lose. Khimik Saransk, for example, gutted out a 3-2 extra time victory over Spartak Kirov's reserves. Krylyja Uralikov's reserves lost 4-2 against a surprisingly good Torpedo Cherepovets. Energiya Sheksna stunned Bumazhnik Solikamsk's reserves, coming back from 2-0 down to win 3-2 in extra time. And Allianssi Murmashi embarrassed FK Inta's reserves 3-1, with said reserves only getting a goal late after Allianssi had already pretty much won the match. Probably the biggest upset of this kind, though, was Torpedo Agryz's upset of Mordovia Saransk's reserves, 4-3 in extra time. Close behind was Zavod Ural Solikamsk's reserve team losing 3-2 against Dinamo Yekaterinburg.
    There were some reserve teams that were expected to lose, and did. Lokomotiv Kotlas, Spartak Yoshkar-Ola, and Khimik Koryazhma all had their reserve teams bow out.
    There were, however, other upsets that had nothing to do with reserve teams at all. Although highly rated, Spartak Khanto wasn't expected to defeat SK Karhumägi, and yet they did, with Matyas Csaba scoring late in the first overtime period to seal the deal. Dinamo Nizhny Tagil was frustrated all game long by the goalkeeping of Alexandr Kondratiyev of FK Kukarka, having outshot the Kirovski Rayon side 13-4, but a bad bounce on a free kick by Davyd Tursunenko gave the underdogs the win.
    Then there was the feel-good story of the first round. The people of Khalmer-Yu, one of the most isolated settlements in Uralica, can hold their heads high with pride tonight. Their football club made FK Gubakha look like fools in a 3-1 victory, in a match attended by Jarkko Salomäki himself.
    "It was pretty crazy," Jarkko said. "After the SiPS-Ural reserve battle in the morning [which SiPS reserves won 2-0], I hopped on a plane for Vorkuta, then rented a car and drove the remaining distance to Khalmer-Yu and got in just in time for the match. And let me tell you something. Those Komi-Greens play with heart! They didn't let up until maybe the last five minutes. I don't think FK Gubakha was betting on them to be so skilled!"
    See below for scores.
    Who's Hot, Who's Not
    KHALMER-YU - Hello there, footy fans! This is Yordan Kirilenko back with the first edition of "Who's Hot, Who's Not" of the new season.
    WHO'S HOT
    1. Oleg Vodovozov, Goalkeeper, SiPS/SiPS-Reservit - this guy was the difference between SiPS and Ural in their reserve-team battle today, without question. Both goalkeepers faced ten shots in the match. Oleg stopped all ten. 'Nuff said.
    2. Leonid Voloshenin, Attacking Midfielder, Khalmer-Yu Town - if there's any one player that really stuck out during the Khalmer-Yu vs. Gubakha match, it's this guy. He was in on all three goals thanks to his excellent distribution of the ball. That one-two-three play with Dmitry Kirov and Oleg Simutenkov that he finished was a work of footballing art.
    3. Mark van Dyk, Striker, Peltinischer SpVgg - them Germans can play football! Seriously, this Mennonite tallied a hat-trick against a bewildered FK Kachkanar. As if that weren't enough, he also assisted Stefan Renzenbrink's highlight-reel goal as well.
    4. Eduard Udmurtiyev, Right Back, Transit Votka - can this guy long-ball or can this guy long-ball? He didn't register a point and yet was still named man of the match in Transit's 4-1 win over FK Zvyozdny, with good reason. Not only was he a thorn in Zvyozdny's attack's side, but he can really pound the ball with both power and accuracy, leaving Zvyozdny scrambling to get back into position. He started the runs that led to three of his team's four goals.
    5. Valentin Serebrennikov, Striker, FK Novy Urengoy - this talented Khant scored the equalising and winning goals in a gutsy battle against Torpedo Petroskoi.
    WHO'S NOT
    1. The entire roster of Gornyak Polevskoy - the players didn't know where they were half the time. Seriously, if they played SiPS, they'd be conceding way more than just eight goals.
    2. Varfolomey Yovov, Centre Back, Rezh Town - ahead 2-0, and what does this guy do? He two-foots Olli Nykänen and gets sent off. For a team like Rezh whose best formation is 3-5-2, that is about the stupidest thing he could possibly have done.
    3. Matti Riihijärvi, Manager, Transit Veliski - the Veliskin Vapalehdistö caught him saying, "we will win this match." How much you willing to bet he gets the sack after his all-out-attack orders cost his team a 2-0 loss to FK Sentervorri?
    4. Kaupo Rask, Centre Midfield, Spartak Yoshkar-Ola Reserves - not one, but two giveaways leading to breakaway goals. Yeah, that'll get you moving real fast... to the transfer list!
    5. Szöreny Kocsis, Striker, Turbo Karpinsk - he sure had a howler of a match against Onega Kondupohju. He had 7 verifiable chances and didn't put a single one on net or even into the upright. Shocking stuff really.
    Scores From Kanslerinkilpi Preliminary Round
    (Home team first, AET = added extra time)
    Sortavalan Palloklubi 4 Gornyak Nyandoma 2
    FK Muravlenko 2 Polaris Zapadnaya Revda 3
    Torpedo Saransk 1 Sapmi Murmansk 2
    Dinamo Petroskoi 3 Energiya Nizhny Tagil 1
    IPK-Reservit 2 UJK-Reservit 3 (AET)
    Ural Alapayevsk 2 Dinamo Cherepovets 1 (AET)
    Dinamo Emva 0 Rapid Konosha 2
    Sokol Izhevsk 2 FK Okhansk 3
    Stal Ulator 3 Dinamo Orichi 0
    Mashinostroitel-II Aleksandrovsk 3 Apatiittin Palloseura 1
    FK Chaykovsky 0 Metallurg Yoshkar-Ola 2
    Lesnik Uva 3 Spartak Kizel 2
    FK Kukarka 1 Dinamo Nizhny Tagil 0
    FK Pirogovo 1 Dinamo-II Kirov 6
    FK Berezniki-II 3 CSKA-II Syktyvkar 1
    FK Asbest 2 FK Glazov 0
    FK Sharkan 2 Metallurg Kamensk 3 (AET)
    FK Vilgort 2 Spartak Vologda 1 (AET)
    Ural Pervouralsk 2 Torpedo Purga 2 (Torpedo Purga wins 7-6 in penalties)
    Spartak Glazov 3 Torpedo Malmyzh 0
    Jaivan Pallokerho 4 FK Adzherom 1
    Jupiter Yarkosky 4 Gornyak Pechora 2
    Zheleznik Olenegorsk 1 FK Vereshchagino 3
    Spartak-II Kirov 2 Khimik Saransk 3 (AET)
    FK Nizhnaya Tura 0 FK Kirov-II 2
    Zheleznik Arkhangel'sk 1 FK Tsykmä 2
    Peltinischer FC 5 FK Kachkanar 1
    Lokomotiv Lysva 0 Dinamo-II Vologda 3
    UralTek Pechora 3 FK Aleksandrovsk 1
    FK Snezhogorsk 0 Retrofitnik Asbest 2
    SK Karhumägi 3 Spartak Khanto 4 (AET)
    UralMash Punaturjin 3 CSFK Petroskoi 1
    Dinamo Urengoy 2 Spartak Pazhga 1 (AET)
    Käkisalmen Palloseura 4 FK Zavyalovo 1
    Torpedo Vologda 3 Polyarny Naryan-Mar 2
    Transit-II Sosnogorsk 4 Tsementnik Berezniki 0
    Mashinostroitel Nizhnaya Salda 4 FK Karakulino 2
    Severomineralnik Apatity 2 Dinamo Shumerlya 0
    Viipuri Kickers 0 Transit Kamyshlov 1
    Krylyja Uralikov-II 2 Torpedo Cherepovets 4
    TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky 1 Spartak Nizhny Tagil 1 (TvinkiZavod wins 5-3 on penalties)
    Gruzchiky Arkhangel'sk 2 FK Emva 0
    FK Eterne 3 MotorMash Dobryanka 0
    Dynamo Öskölömi 1 FK Ordjanbuje 2
    FK Urom 1 Mashinostroitel Krasnokamsk 3
    Dinamo Yoshkar-Ola 0 Murman Severomorsk 2
    Punaturjimen Palloseura 3 Tekstilshchik Igra 4
    Torpedo Solikamsk 2 FK Zuyevka 3 (AET)
    Telekom-B Pazhga 5 FK Kirovgrad 0
    Start Zheshart 2 FK Sernur 1 (AET)
    Spartak Cheboksary 3 Metallurg Kirovo-Chepetsk 1
    Vogvozdino Town 1 FK Yukamenskoye 0
    Dinamo Yarkosky 1 Inta Kickers 2
    FK Kizner 3 Spartak Irbit 1
    FK Yulskoye 1 Chŏvash Ulatŏr 4
    FK Kogalym 2 Transit Kungur 2 (Transit Kungur wins 6-5 on penalties)
    Metallurg Ust'-Shonosha 3 Torpedo Sarapul 2 (AET)
    Turbo Karpinsk 1 Onega Kondupohju 3
    Bumazhnik-II Solikamsk 2 Energiya Sheksna 3 (AET)
    Uralica Kotlas 2 FK Revda 3
    Dinamo Monche 2 FK Raduzhnyy 1
    Spartak Lysva 0 CSKA Viipuri 3
    Pechorski SK-II 3 Spartak Gadzhiyevo 2 (AET)
    Karjalan JK Kondupohju 3 Mashinostroitel Saransk 1
    Spartak Yekaterinburg 3 Spartak Yugorsk 4 (AET)
    Allianssi Murmashi 3 FK Inta-II 1
    MTK Juganvar 1 FK Provoi 2
    Serebrennik Koryazhma 3 Finnsky Klub Kolosjoki 2
    FK Kuloy 0 Progress Vorkuta 4
    FK Kirovo-Chepetsk 4 Usovuori Lesniki 2
    Fortuna-II Nizhny Tagil 3 Spartak Cherepovets 0
    Mordovia Orozai 1 Torpedo Pudozh 3
    FK Kambarka 2 Promyshlennik Kamensk 1 (AET)
    Torpedo Krasnokamsk 3 FK Yurkino 1
    Gornyak Kungur 0 FK Vorkuta-II 2
    Gornyak Slobodskoy 2 Yamal Nyaidem 3 (AET)
    FK Novodvinsk 1 Torpedo Berezniki 0 (AET)
    Muujärven PK 0 Vychegda Yazel' 2
    Spartak Sarapul 3 Turan-II Ukhta 2
    Energiya Kez 2 Spartak Murmansk 0
    FK Juganvar 1 Zheleznik Votka 2
    Gornyak Polevskoy 0 Gazovik-II Izhevsk 8
    FK Syumsi 1 Spartak Nyagan 3
    Traktor Chusovoi 0 FK Sindor 2
    Dinamo Kotlas 3 Trátyi TK-B 3 (Trátyi TK-B wins 4-2 in penalties)
    FK Alnashi 1 FK Ochyor 0
    Olimpia-II Kirovo-Chepetsk 2 FK Nyaidem 0
    Avtodor Yekaterinburg 2 Lokomotiv-II Kotlas 0
    FK Khanto 1 Trud Orlov 3
    FK Yugrakar 4 Dinamo Verkhnaya Salda 1
    FK Kilemary 2 FK Yoshkar-Ola 3
    Khalmer-Yu Town 3 FK Gubakha 1
    FK Murashi 2 Spartak Saransk 1 (AET)
    Metallurg Novouralsk 2 Nakkanin Pallokerho 0
    Spartak Veliski 1 Spartak-II Ukhta 3
    Mashinostroitel Megion 1 FK Kizel 2 (AET)
    Mashinostroitel Cheboksary 2 FK Vytegra 3
    Dinamo Osa 3 FK Sosnogorsk 0
    FK Severomorsk 2 Dinamo Megion 2 (Dinamo Megion wins 5-4 on penalties)
    Rapid Nizhny Tagil 3 FK Orshanka 1
    FK Krasnogorskoye 0 Atlantis Pääjärvi 2
    Velocitas Votka 2 FK Artyomovsky 4
    Tsementnik Pitkäranta 2 FK Shenkursk 3
    Promyshlennik Zakamsk 3 Zenit Lesnoy 1
    FK Kotlas-II 4 Torpedo Zapolyarny 1
    Dinamo Yekaterinburg 3 Zavod Ural-II Solikamsk 2
    Dinamo-II Arkhangel'sk 3 FK Debyosi 0
    FK Sigayev 1 Zenit Yekaterinburg 2
    Apatitsky FK 1 Metallist Saransk 3
    FK Solikamsk 2 Visinger SV 5
    Volga Yulser-Ola 3 FK Kez 1
    CSKVC-II Kirov 4 Kem Vienankemi 2
    Traktor Vereshchagino 1 Salamat Kirssi 3
    Dinamo Tavda 3 FK Yulser-Ola 2 (AET)
    Patschker SpVgg 3 FK Yurino 1
    FK Sentervorri 2 Transit Veliski 0
    FK Nolinsk 2 Udmurt Balezino 3
    FK Syktyvkar-II 2 FK Krasnoflotsky 1
    FK Bolshaya Ucha 1 Neftekhimik Onega 3
    Transit Gryazovets 3 Sokol Sarapul 2
    Metallist Pervouralsk 1 Mashinist Chusovoi 3
    Lokomotiv Tsivilsk 2 Suhona Isoustiuki 3 (AET)
    FK Zvyozdny 1 Transit Votka 4
    Polar Dawns Rovers 0 KJK Reservit 3
    Viktoria Severomorsk 4 Rezh Town 3
    Dinamo Igra 2 Jokerit Suojärvi 3 (AET)
    Dinamo Krasnoufimsk 4 Spartak Berezniki 2
    Transit Vojatsu 2 Amkar-II Perm' 2 (Transit Vojatsu wins 10-9 in penalties)
    Zavod Oktyabrsky 1 Metallurg Serov 3
    Lokomotiv Tsykmä 0 Luch Murmansk 2
    FK Novy Urengoy 3 Torpedo Petroskoi 2 (AET)
    Dinamo Koryazhma 2 Khimik Revda 1 (AET)
    Torpedo Arkhangel'sk 0 YugraMash Kogalym 2
    Transit Krasnoslobodsk 2 Spartak Plesetsk 3
    Lesnik Vuktyl 2 Mashinostroitel-II Kirov 3
    Mordovia-II Saransk 3 Torpedo Agryz 4 (AET)
    Khimik-II Koryazhma 1 FK Nizhny Tagil 3
    Inter Enso 4 FK Ozerki 0
    Torpedo Yekaterinburg 3 Spartak-II Yoshkar-Ola 1
    SiPS-Reservit 2 Ural-II Yekaterinburg 0
    FK Kozlovka 2 Energiya Nytva 3
    Lokomotiv Trakt 1 Torpedo Yar 2 (AET)
    MetaFraks-II Gubakha 3 Torpedo Sernur 0
    Spartak Arkhangel'sk 2 FK Pychas 3 (AET)
    A randomizer is being used to assign each winner to its slot in the main draw, subject to the tournament rules.
  12. Uralica
    Top Stories
    City Assessment Complete
    SYKTYVKAR - well, it's finally done. After sifting through all 113 applicants for city status, the Uralican Tribal Board has again made a decision concerning who does and does not obtain city status on 1 May 2010. Most cities in the published list of non-cuts that was done nine days ago were cleared. The number of cities in Uralica now sits at 173, nearly double what it was before. Although these are rounded to the nearest five hundred, the following lists are in order of population. The smallest city in Uralica is now officially Igrim, whose population is barely over twenty thousand people, at 20 078 officially.
    APPROVED (with census population data):
    Sysert, Southeast Uralica - 120 000
    Aramil, Southeast Uralica - 67 000
    Raduzhnyy, Yugra - 67 000
    Tavda, Southeast Uralica - 60 000
    Lyantor, Yugra - 60 000
    Dobryanka, Permski Rayon - 53 000
    Rezh, Southeast Uralica - 52 500
    Urai, Yugra - 50 000
    Muravlenko, Yamalia - 48 500
    Pazhga, Mennoland - 45 000
    Tráty, Komiland - 43 000
    Vuktyl, Central Uralica - 42 000
    Artyomovsky, Southeast Uralica - 42 000
    Gubakha, Permski Rayon - 41 500
    Osa, Permski Rayon - 41 500
    Shumerlya, Chuvashia - 41 000
    Onega, Northwest Uralica - 41 000
    Käkshär, Kirovski Rayon - 40 000
    Naryan-Mar, Nenetsia-North Uralica - 40 000
    Nyandoma, Northwest Uralica - 39 500
    Hiipinä, Sapmi - 39 500
    Kostamus, Karelia - 39 000
    Kuiksk, Yugra - 39 000
    Kizel, Permski Rayon - 37 000
    Kamyshlov, Southeast Uralica - 37 000
    Käkisalmi, Karelia - 36 000
    Orlov, Kirovski Rayon - 35 000
    Zarechnyy, Southeast Uralica - 35 000
    Igra, Udmurtiya North - 35 000
    Vereshchagino, Permski Rayon - 34 000
    Nizhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica - 34 000
    Öskölömi, Central Uralica - 32 000
    Talka-Salya, Yamalia - 32 000
    Mikun', Komiland - 31 500
    Konosha, Woodlands - 31 000
    Sortavala, Karelia - 30 000
    Gubkinsky, Yamalia - 30 000
    Aleksandrovsk, Permski Rayon - 29 500
    Nytva, Permski Rayon - 29 000
    Ägerce, Udmurtiya South - 29 000
    Kouteri, Sapmi - 28 500
    Karhumägi, Karelia - 28 000
    Chetyrgoroda, Yugra - 28 000
    Enso, Karelia - 27 000
    Uva, Udmurtia South - 27 000
    Emva, Komiland - 26 500
    Krasnovishersk, Permski Rayon - 26 500
    Beloyarsky, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Nizhnyaya Salda, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Turinsk, Southeast Uralica - 26 000
    Balezino, Udmurtiya North - 26 000
    Sernur, Mari El - 25 500
    Usolye, Solikamsk-Berezniki - 25 000
    Talitsa, Southeast Uralica - 25 000
    Gryazovets, West Uralica - 25 000
    Lashma, Mordoviya - 24 500
    Zheshart, Komiland - 24 000
    Kizner, Udmurtiya South - 24 000
    Ilyuchinsk, Yugra - 24 000
    Usovuori, Northwest Uralica - 23 500
    Troitsko-Pechorsk, Central Uralica - 23 000
    Tsivilsk, Chuvashia - 23 000
    Ochyor, Permski Rayon - 23 000
    Kuálõk, Sapmi - 23 000
    Verkhny Tagil, Southeast Uralica - 23 000
    Sheksna, West Uralica - 22 500
    Kargopol, Northwest Uralica - 22 000
    Murmashi, Sapmi - 22 000
    Plesetsk, Northwest Uralica - 21 500
    Degtyarsk, Southeast Uralica - 21 500
    Vienankemi, Karelia - 21 000
    Maskasola, Mari El - 21 000
    Sentervorri, Chuvashia - 20 500
    Polar Dawns, Sapmi - 20 500
    Vytegra, West Uralica - 20 500
    Krasnoslobodsk, Mordoviya - 20 000
    Kolosjoki, Sapmi - 20 000
    Baranchinsky, Southeast Uralica - 20 000
    Igrim, Yugra - 20 000
    REJECTED (with census data and reasoning):
    Severnyy Beloyarsky, Yugra - 32 000, insufficient infrastructure
    Olenegorsk, Sapmi - 30 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Zapolyarny, Sapmi - 26 500, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Snezhnogorsk, Sapmi - 25 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Nizhnesortymskiy, Yugra - 24 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district, not enough music schools, insufficient infrastructure
    Polyarny, Sapmi - 23 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Pokachi, Yugra - 23 000, no campus of SCU
    Provoi, Mari El - 22 000, insufficient infrastructure
    Reftinsky, Southeast Uralica - 20 500, no campus of SCU
    Gornozavodsk, Permski Rayon - 20 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient infrastructure
    Bisert, Southeast Uralica - 20 000, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Salomäk-Ola, Mari El - 19 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Gadzhiyevo, Sapmi - 19 000, too small, not enough music schools, no campus of SCU
    Verkhnyaya Tura, Southeast Uralica - 19 000, too small (joint SCU campus with Krasnouralsk should it attain city status)
    Gremyachinsk, Permski Rayon - 18 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Arti, Southeast Uralica - 18 500, too small, insufficient commercial district, no campus of SCU
    Kambarka, Udmurtiya South - 18 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Pitkäranta, Karelia - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Chad, Permski Rayon - 18 000, too small, insufficient infrastructure
    Zaozyorsk, Sapmi - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Kimcheng, West Uralica - 18 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Ustyansk (form. Oktyabrsky), Northwest Uralica - 17 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Kuyeda, Permsky Rayon - 17 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Bulanash, Southeast Uralica - 17 000, too small (joint SCU campus with Artyomovsky should it attain city status)
    Barda, Permski Rayon - 16 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Volchansk, East Uralica - 16 500, too small, no campus of SCU, insufficient commercial district
    Mezhdurechenskyy, Yugra - 16 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Kükeś, Chuvashia - 15 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Nizhniye Sergi, Southeast Uralica - 15 500, too small, no campus of SCU
    Vojatsu, Karelia - 15 000, too small
    Vurnary, Chuvashia - 14 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Pyshma, Southeast Uralica - 14 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Izyayu-Kozhva, Pechora - 12 000, too small, no campus of SCU
    Uralica Ready To Pay Up - Didriksen
    VORKUTA - Bring on the assignments, says Ulrike Didriksen.
    The Mennonite has been working feverishly for the last couple weeks to make sure all is ready to roll in the ERHDC's "Special Committee Concerning The Payment Of Reparations To Nemesis And Others." Originally, Uralica had intended to pay reparations to Monos Archein as well, however, a change in the system meant that the Uralicans' money and supplies will be headed primarily to the Nemesis alliance.
    "We've been ready to pay up for a while now," said Didriksen in a recent interview. "We're waiting for the order from TOOL Finance. Having twice our TOOL-required war chest means more giving is possible. But don't get any funny ideas. We're prepared for other things as well, if you catch my drift."
    Greater Lacedaemon Praised
    SYKTYVKAR - The Blood Brothers alliance is a protectorate of The Order Of Light, the alliance Uralica belongs to.
    But one Blood Brother nation has helped TOOL protect itself, twice over.
    Due to the existing rules of combat, some nations are small enough that rogue nations such as Land Of The Last and Shadowblade can attack them and not fear significant reprisal, or so they thought. Land Of The Last was counterattacked by TOOL nation Chimpton, an attack that was semi-expected. But completely unexpected by the aggressor of the conflict was the entrance of the small-yet-heroic nation of Greater Lacedaemon. The extra firepower was enough to force the member of the 4-nation alliance, "The Overlord's Hand," to peace out.
    More recently, an alliance-of-one, Shadowblade of "ICON," took it upon itself to attack Defcon, a lower-level TOOL nation. Coming to Defcon's aid, sure enough, was Greater Lacedaemon's armed forces. Supplementing this was a unanimously-approved ERHDC aid package from Uralica.
    Jarkko Salomäki publicly praised both the nation and its ruler Machanidas for its willingness to help, in a press conference he called yesterday afternoon.
    "The actions of Greater Lacedaemon defy definition," he said. "The Defconian army has told me that the Lacedaemonite soldier is the epitome of what a soldier should be - strong in the face of adversity, gentle with the friendly civilian, and placing the success of the team and the welfare of the defended above his own life. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. The fact that that nation has already come to our assistance twice should speak for itself. If Uralican award rules allowed it, I'd give the whole nation the Kunnianmitali! Machanidas deserves any plaudits he gets, too. He is a strong leader of sound moral character."
    Uralican News
    Lesnoy, Nizhnyaya Tura To Merge
    NIZHNYAYA TURA - It is expected that, at the beginning of July, the twin cities of Lesnoy and Nizhnyaya Tura in Southeast Uralica are going to become a single body, keeping the municipal hall of the former, but the name of the latter. Dr. Vlasi Malenkov, a long-time member of the Uralican government, was quick to explain this in an interview.
    "The people of Lesnoy wanted to shake the negative impression people got of the city due to its former status as a closed town within Old Russia. Nizhnyaya Tura as you know is practically one with Lesnoy anyway, so I can't see why it wouldn't work. Anyway, the two cities had referenda, and both came out with the same end result - an official merger will take place on 2 July 2010."
    Music
    "The Pelastus Experience" Sells Out Filharmonia Three Times Over... Within A Day!
    SYKTYVKAR - When Pelastus decided to put on a show alongside the Uralican Symphony Orchestra, they had no idea of the reception they would get. All three of their original booked shows, on 30 April and 1 and 2 May 2010, sold out within 12 hours of first going on sale.
    "Apparently we made a few fans at Eastertime," frontman Matti Pitkänen joked. "But it's awesome that people see that when you put metal and classical music together, you get something even better. We're actually pondering going to the studio with these guys and recording a symphonic album. Maybe coming up with some new stuff too. Tanne [Kangur, Pelastus' bassist] wanted us to do some classical works that involved a full metal ensemble, too, so we'll talk to Sirkka Numminen and Ruslan Kamyshin about that and see if they're game for it."
    The series of shows, called "The Pelastus Experience," has now been bolstered from three days to nine. Furthermore, several filming companies from Uralica and abroad have agreed to film all nine days' worth of music.
    Education
    Second Annual School Rankings Released
    ÖSKÖLÖMI - Uralica released its yearly ranking of its well-funded education system, which was marked by a standardised test done by all grades from 4-13 (measuring mathematic, writing, linguistic, and critical thinking skills), percentage of Grade 12s who remain in school for Grade 13, average marks on national exams in various subjects, student progress reports done by the teachers, and teacher progress reports done by the principals in the case of primary schools.
    "Let's let the facts speak for themselves," said education kingpin Ovdey Shlomov. "Even the worst Uralican schools are solid when stacked up against mid-range schools from other nations. But we have released the top 50 in each age category and 'pay class' (that is, the distinguishment between public and private) to the public. And there are some public schools that would make most nations' private schools jealous!"
    The results of this year's assessment will be posted at www.uraledu.edu.ur.
  13. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Operation Mustavesi May Soon End
    BELGRADO, DODOBOOTS - After being counterattacked by three TOOL nations, it seems the once-defiant President Hyland is now ready to talk peace.
    The war with the Black Water Military Contracting alliance began on 28 April when the same Hyland ordered an unprovoked attack on the nation of NorsaLan. The counter took a "painfully long" time to come, but when it did, TOOL nations Exarchy, Stachelstein, and FreeForAll were up to the task.
    At first, Hyland insisted what they were doing was not defence, simply because they declared war. This was laughed off by newly-appointed TOOL Lieutenant Jarkko Salomäki, who called this insistence "the ramblings of someone who has no knowledge of proper Robertian politics."
    But now, with the nation reduced to half of what it was before, the people in anarchy, and the monetary resources of the nation running out, Hyland has finally agreed to try to reach terms with TOOL Hand of War Dodoei123, and the leaders of all belligerents involved - that is, Norsalan, the three attacking TOOL nations, Philantia, and Dodoboots - have met to do precisely that. In the meantime, a ceasefire has been declared.
    Lots Of Red Tape Cut To Welcome Dozens Of New Cities
    SYSERT - And just like that, the official number of Uralican cities almost doubled.
    Several cities were made official within Uralica yesterday, with the largest of these being Sysert, Southeast Uralica, which is one of a growing number of rapidly-expanding bedroom communities to Greater Yekaterinburg. Two other communities in this category, Aramil and Bisert, also received their official city status.
    There were other notable cities, for reasons other than sheer size. Some counties that had no cities at all fielded their first cities - among these was Pazhga, the "most religious city in Uralica" (which is saying something, as Uralica is indeed a Judaeo-Christian nation), Naryan-Mar, which boasts around three quarters of the population of Nenetsia-North Uralica county in its entirety, Troitsko-Pechorsk, which is often called "the gateway to the Virgin Komi Forests," Plesetsk, the namesake city of the closed Plesetsk Cosmodrome (which is actually technically in nearby Mirnyy), and Tráty, formerly known as Trakt, which was the location of the first Hungarian settlers in Uralica, and currently has the largest proportion of Hungarians of any major settlement in the country (but not the largest population, which is in Surgut, Yugra).
    Finally, there was once city that just managed to make the 20 000 citizens needed to make it past the opening cut, which was Igrim, Yugra. Known as one of the true centres of Mansi culture, city status brings with it extra funding for the numerous Mansi-ethnographic museums in the city, not that they were underfunded to begin with!
    Music
    Music And Football Collide
    PERM' - One could accuse End of Sorrows drummer Yoel Pushkaryov of leading a double life, and he'd be the first to agree. Not only is he a successful musician - he joins versatile-voiced bassist Kris Werner, in-your-face rhythm guitarist Sulo Riihijärvi, and virtuosic but humble lead guitarist Vladimir Parfenov in End of Sorrows, the Christian post-grunge supergroup - but he is also a semi-professional footballer, having a part-time contract with Porokhovoi Zavod Perm', which takes its name from a gunpowder factory in the Industrialnyy borough of the city.
    "I don't actually work in this factory," Pushkaryov said in an interview, "although my dad did, which is how I got into the soccer program. They've hung on to me since I was a little guy, now I play for the senior team as an attacking or left midfielder."
    That he does. He actually sits joint fourth in the Kolmonen F in assists with six after nine matches played this season, plus he even scored a goal against FK Dobryanka.
    However, music is still his first priority.
    "If a game clashes with a concert, the managerial staff knows that I will give the concert precedence," he says. "I figure if PZP ever gets promoted, I'd be transferred almost immediately, because I can't really play the game full-time and continue my music as well."
    Digitoxicosis Back In Studio
    SYKTYVKAR - It seems industrial metal sextet Digitoxicosis couldn't possibly give the fans enough. Their first album, Cybernetic Doomsday Device, is the highest-selling secular album in Uralican history, but the fans were very curious about the new songs Digitoxicosis started playing on tour and wondered if a new album was coming out.
    Wonder no more. They're back in studio again. Lead guitarist Aalto Kujanen confirmed this in a sighting yesterday. He threw the metal horns up for fans gathered outside the studio, then went back in.
    Later, we ran into Russo-Mari bassist Arkady Koskov at Vsevolod's.
    "You'll love this album," he said. "We've been playing a bunch of new stuff at concerts, but there are still ideas that Tatjana [Malinskaja] and Aalto [Kujanen] are working on, ideas Esa[ Myllyjärvi]'s brainstorming to use with his vocoding gizmos, and the like. I figure this new album should have ten or eleven tracks on it. It's a superlong disc - don't worry about having 2-minute blips!"
    Sports
    Trátyi TK Handed "Slice Of Humble Pie"
    TRÁTY - Trátyi TK didn't think Kirovin JK had the offence to beat them. Were they ever wrong. Although the shots were even and KJK were without starting goalkeeper Immo Kivilahti, who has missed the last three matches with a pulled quadricep, KJK still won the match 2-1. Manager Zoltán Fehér admits that he was just as guilty as his charge of being cocky.
    "We were at home against a team on a supposed cold streak, and we let down our guard," he said. "So they served us up a nice slice of humble pie with the name Tapani Karjalainen all over it. We didn't play terribly per se, but we let up on them too much, and by the time we got our goal from Kozma [bakos], the game was practically over. Their defence really stepped it up, and [Aalto] Virtanen was solid in goal, although he's no [immo] Kivilahti."
    Karjalainen, who scored both goals, was very reserved in his matchday thoughts, unlike the smugness that some expect from star players of football clubs that win.
    "It wasn't easy by any means," said the Finn. "Wally (that is, Uolevi Rönkkö) made a brilliant cross for the opening goal, and I'm amazed I scored the second goal. I think it hit something on the way in. Won't be surprised if I get the second one taken away from me."
    Other notable Bolakliiga results saw Amkar Perm' bump their slump 2-1 against Dinamo Vologda, while SiPS, Dinamo Kirov, Zavod Ural, and Udmurtiya Izhevsk all posted convincing wins.
    Mordovia Not Claiming Victory Yet Despite Win
    YEKATERINBURG - In what was a match for the ages, Mordovia Saransk got a stoppage-time goal from Mikhail Ovechkov to claim sole possession of first place last night, but manager Dmitry Kabayev dispelled rumours that his team thinks they've won the league.
    "We still meet them again later in the season," the Mordvin said, "plus there are eighteen other teams in the league, y'know. So we're not going to get cocky. Actually, I think Öskölömen Palloklubi are a real threat. They have the extra incentive, something to prove from last season."
    The 3-2 win does put them in sole possession of first, two ahead of the same ÖPK Kabayev mentioned, and three clear of Ural and Pechorski Sportklub.
  14. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Easter Celebrations Fill The Streets
    By TOOL Tourism's Petr Hrdlicek
    SYKTYVKAR - Who would have thought that Easter would be so rambunctious?
    Yesterday proved to be one of the most amazing times I've ever had. Most years it's just a bunch of kids scrambling around looking for chocolate, then after that, they're back to their daily routines the next day.
    But then there's Uralica. This is being written both for publishing in their newspaper, and for TOOL Tourism Monthly, and for those who don't know, in Uralica, 92% of the people are some form of Christian, with the remaining 8% being almost completely Jewish.
    I decided to come to Uralica last June, in the aftermath of the Karma War, to get a feeling for what makes Uralicans tick. Well, I suppose I found the answer to that out today! Uralican Easter (which follows the Western date to avoid confusion and streamline work stuff) is an experience unlike any other Easter I've experienced in the world, and trust me, I've been to a lot of different places.
    The preparation for the celebrations starts on Palm Sunday, for crying out loud! I mean sure, there are the Good Friday services in all Christian denominations, and the Maundy Thursday celebrations for the Catholics. But Easter... well, those Uralicans really pull out all the stops!
    A neat tradition they have in Uralica is, they have a man and a woman - usually a married couple or brother and sister - sleep in the church overnight on Saturday, and get up before sunrise on Sunday, so that when the sun rises, they can ring the bells as loudly and frequently as possible. Given the variable times of sunrise, this can prove quite interesting! Personally, I heard the bells going off at 7:20 this morning here in Syktyvkar. And were they ever loud. All you could hear for five minutes straight was a bunch of clanging bells, and one could hear bells from as close as the nearby Uralic Cultural Centre (which has four churches on its property) and as far away as the gigantic Church of the Resurrection in Pazhga, which is a few minutes' drive to the south.
    Speaking of the Church of the Resurrection, that's where I headed for the morning service. I went there for 8:30 AM so I could actually get into the absolutely breathtaking church, and not have to sit outside and watch the service on the big screens they had set up - it was to be an ecumenical service, which is only natural considering it is the most important Christian holiday, and that means the church would surely be bursting at the seems. Turns out I was right. By the time the service started at 10AM, they had set up extra TVs and Communion altars in the parking lot! The road this church is on, Giesbrecht Avenue, actually had to be closed so it could be converted into a de facto parking lot. That's how packed it was on that property.
    That didn't stop thousands of worshippers from belting out their favourite Easter standards, ranging from Russian Vespers chants to modern choruses, in four different languages! Seriously, I was able to keep up with the English and Russian songs quite fine because of my Slovak heritage, but Finnish and Plautdietsch... not so much.
    There were actually three preachers on hand. Archbishop Tamás Fehérvari and Metropolitan Nikolay Kosov were decked out in their traditional robes, while Dr. Matti Koppinen (President of the Uralican Evangelical Baptist Church, among many other things) and Dr. Markus Wender (Head of the Uralican Mennonite Brotherhood) were there in suit and tie. And it was an all-around beautiful service. Man, can that Koppinen preach or what? I'm not actually Christian, but I'm kinda thinking about that after this service.
    So what happened after the service finally ended at around 12:30PM? Well, I was invited by His Grace Tamás to stay and have lunch. I obliged of course, and the work that these people did to set up such a huge lunch for the community is out of this world. I'm guessing that the regular members and adherents of this church (according to Koppinen, there's a difference between the two) were all involved. You would see everyone from the preteens to the septegenarians helping the catering services set up tables, move food around, get the barbecues set up... it was very inspiring.
    We said Grace at 1PM then sat down for our Easter Lunch. I notice this huge guy sits down next to me, so I look, then I take a second look, and who else but Jarkko Salomäki, the Chief himself, is sitting next to me! So we get to talking about Easter, and he said that there was still plenty left to happen, that a typical Uralican Easter celebration went very late into the night. He himself was going to head back into Sytkyvkar for a concert. So I'm like, "concert? On Easter?" Turns out this is standard fare for Uralicans. Free concerts, fireworks, open houses, you name it! Turns out he wasn't talking about his EBM band, Bane of the Machine, and rather, was talking about the Uralican Symphony Orchestra, which was joining some Christian bands for a little musical revelry.
    I showed up expecting a bunch of random classical music followed by some corny, stereotypical Christian soft-rock. Boy was I wrong. Specifically-written pieces penned by Uralica's finest classical composers mingled with Christian death/thrash metal and post-grunge? I was blown out of my seat. One minute I can't take my eyes off of Zuzana Nemtsova (her mere existence is support for the existence of God), and the next I jump about fifty feet out of my seat with the opening riffs of this song called "My Salvation" by this band called Pelastus, whom I'm told is the best-selling Christian band of any sort in the entire Robertian Era. Doesn't surprise me - you should see the musicianship these guys have developed. It's not a case of guitars tuned so low you barely register the sound as music, but of intricately crafted, dare I say Bachesque harmonies with solos so fast you wonder if a higher power gave Lauri Sinisalo the ability to slow down time just to make his fingers go so fast!
    Then of course I spot the Pelastus bassist (I later find out his name is Tanne Kangur) trading his electric bass for a bowed bass to play a string quintet. "No wonder they're such great musicians," I thought. "They play classical stuff too!" Turns out they're all BMus students at the vaunted Uralikan Yliopisto. Their singer/rhythm guitarist, Matti Pitkänen, is a composition major with "a minor in metal guitar," which is actually legit, believe it or not. Tanne is a double performance major in electric bass and double bass. Drummer Jarno Mäkelä, who easily has the fastest feet I've ever seen, is a drums-and-percussion performance major. He's actually pretty adept with a xylophone, which I found out on this one classical number they did. Samppa Niskanen is an amazing piano player. He did this piece last night by Sirkka Numminen's other half, Martin Kosk, and it actually sounded kinda cool for a classical piano piece. Finally, there's Lauri, who not surprisingly, is a guitar major, twice over (classical and metal, y'know?)
    Enough rambling about their musicianship though, since the Uralicans probably already know this. The concert went on for a while, long enough that there were actually two intermissions - after starting at 1:45, the first intermission was at 3PM and the second at 5PM. The show ended at 6:30 with a glorious performance of Numminen's Tenth Symphony - this was actually only its second performance, with the first being on Constitution Day a couple weeks ago.
    After it was finally over, the crowd gave all the musicians a standing ovation, and they really deserved it. I was getting kinda hungry, though, so I headed to the nearest Vsevolod's and got myself a nice juicy steak with a baked potato and green beans imported from Jarkko Salomäki's old homeland. After I had finished, I was randomly invited by a couple of the locals to go downtown. One thought crossed my mind. Fireworks display.
    But there was more to it than that. There was also a nighttime parade, as the sun had not yet set, nor would it until around 8:30PM. The fireworks displays started just as the sun was setting, and kept up until 11PM or so. Of course, I wasn't in the same place for the whole time. After an hour on Syktyvkar's main street, just down from the Council Chambers, I thought I'd go check out the UCC and what it had going on. It turned out to be something of a zoo. If you aren't from Uralica, you wouldn't expect the kind of partying that goes on at Eastertime - it's loud, it's rambunctious, but at the same time it is very orderly. Police are out, but if anyone causes trouble, it's usually not an actual Uralican.
    Anyway, I went back to my hotel room, completely exhausted from all the dancing I did at the Cultural Centre, and hit the hay around midnight. And there was still partying going on! Do these people ever sleep?
    Well, that's my spiel.
    Tribal Council "Swamped" By City Status Requests
    SYKTYVKAR - Vaido Kuik was very blunt when asked about the city assessment that was supposed to be completed on 1 April 2010.
    "Yeah, about that," he said, sheepishly. "We weren't expecting to get swamped like we have been. I mean seriously, we've received around eighty applications for city status. Some are automatic writeoffs because of census population, but there are plenty that deserve an honest look, and it's just going to take more time than we anticipated."
    He is not making any promises as to when the status and charter reviews will be done, although he is hopeful that this will come soon.
    "I've set a goal to have this done by the 20th of this month, although I'm hoping sooner," the Estonian said, adding a joke afterward. "Jarkko will probably have my neck in a wringer if I don't have it done by 1 May!"
    When asked if there are any towns that are locks for city status, he had this to offer:
    "No one is 100% certain yet," he said. "However, there are some that there's a really good chance for. A few of the cities in the cut list of the first assessment have grown so much that they are pretty much going through the motions. Look at Trakt for example. It didn't even have a thousand people before Uralica was founded. Now it's a booming mining city of around forty thousand with a very distinct Hungarian flavour."
    There are also a few settlements that have applied for name changes. Although many settlements still retain Russian nomenclature, there has been a process of "Uralicisation" going on in the country since its formation - the first example of this was the changing of the offical name of Vakhrushi to Vaahruše.
    Name Change Applicants
    (Original name first, then desired change)
    Kovdor, SPM - Kouteri (Finnish)
    Trakt, KOM - Tráty (Hungarian)
    Kostomuksha, KAR - Kostamus (Karelian/Finnish)
    Agryz, UDS - Ägerçe (Tatar)
    Yarkosky, MAR - Salomäk-Ola (Eastern Mari)
    Kugesi, CHV - Kükeś (Chuvash)
    Medvedevo, MAR - Maskasola (Eastern Mari)
    Paranga, MAR - Porancha (Eastern Mari)
    Krasnoslobodsk, MDV - Yaksterekuro (Erzya)
    Tarko-Sale, YAM - Talka-Salya (Nenets)
    Regarding the actual application process, Vaido admitted that not all applicants seek to be admitted on their first go.
    "We actually saw this trend start with Troitsko-Pechorsk in the first assessment back in the Fall of 2009, where they applied when they only had ten thousand people living there. Of course we require twenty thousand minimum in the census for city status. So you ask yourself, 'Why the heck do they?' Well, the municipal boards of some cities think the money is worth it for knowing what they need to be deemed a city. Also, some of the things the inspectors point out have multiple applications. If there is something needing improvement and that is told to the municipal board, they can ask advice on how to fix it properly. And they have. We've actually seen some pretty low-population towns apply so far. I think Vlasi [Malenkov] said he spotted a city in there whose census figures were only around twelve thousand people."
    A complete list is expected to be released later in the week.
    Sports
    Sorokin: "I'm Cleaning House Come June"
    A furious Milan Sorokin was helpless to do anything to stop the utter massacre of his FK Inta side at the hands of red-hot SiPS. 10-0 was the final score, leaving Sorokin, FK Inta's manager, to lay into his players after the match finished.
    "We've played horrendous football since last season," he said. "We should be in the Kolmonen with how we've been playing, and enough is enough. I told them, either they need to smarten up, or I'll end up gutting the team if I'm still around in June. And mark my words, if we don't see improvement, I am going to clean house when the transfer window opens up. Losing 3-0 or 4-0 to SiPS isn't really an issue. They are the best team in Uralica after all. But 10-0? I know Kakkonen teams who have done better than that against them!"
    All three Inta substitutions were used in the lopsided affair, to pull players who were glaringly bad. Shellshocked goalkeeper Vyacheslav Tikhonov was the last of these, after allowing eight goals on as many shots. Naturally, he was furious with his defence, who accounted for the two other substitutions.
    "All but one of the goals I let in were on breakaways," he said. "Now you tell me, don't even the best goalkeepers struggle against breakaways? So why, then, does the defence make a habit of giving them away?"
    He was reported to have had a discussion with the manager during the half-time break, after the team talk, asking Sorokin to bench defender Moroz Rybin, who leads all Bolakliiga players in giveaways. Not surprisingly, Sorokin has announced that Rybin will be sent down to the reserves in the Nelonen in favour of Lanssi Möttölä, who in spite of Inta Reserves' almost-as-dismal record, has been twice named to the Nelonen H1 Team of the Week.
    In the win, SiPS forward Joni Rasimus scored six goals and attained two assists, and mids Raimo Suominen (1G 4A) and Jukka Tenhola (2G 3A) both managed 5-point games.
    In other news, Keijo Karjalainen continued his goal-scoring streak with a beautiful chip-in goal and Miron Smertin bagged two in a 3-0 Zavod Ural Solikamsk win over Spartak Ukhta - a match manager Dmitry Makarov said was "the best football [he'd] ever seen the team play." Of equal note is the fact that former table-leaders Dinamo Arkhangel'sk were beat in an exciting 2-1 nailbiter against determined Telekom Pazhga.
  15. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Final Reports Issued Regarding Waste Cleanup
    USOVUORI - although the cleanup of a toxic spill just outside of Koslan, Northwest Uralica, was finished nearly a week ago, the final paperwork regarding said spill, the causes, and the measures taken to clean it up, was only handed in yesterday, and released to the public this morning.
    The spill, which was first detected in mid-April by some loggers in the area, cost Uralica two and a half million dollars and close to fifteen square kilometres of forest land to clean up. The official cause, which is accurate according to Janne Hirvonen, who was on-site in the investigation and cleanup process every day until its completion, was corrosion of the containers holding a chemical weapon compound in a derelict chemical weapons depot near the town of Koslan, which is mere minutes from the county seat of Usovuori.
    The area that was hardest hit was the central section of the Mezen' River, although trace amounts of the chemicals were detected as far away as Kamenka, the town opposite the city of Mezen' in its namesake river's delta. Efforts to repopulate the river's fish stocks are already underway.
    Patriarch Of Constantinople Visits Uralica
    PAZHGA - The spiritual leader of Eastern Orthodoxy, Patriarch Theophilos II of Constantinople, was greeted by a large crowd of Uralican Orthodox faithful as he arrived at Kaido Ojastu International Airport in Syktyvkar yesterday. The aging patriarch wanted to see Uralica first-hand, as he had apparently not done so before. Among the people on hand to greet him were Metropolitan Nikolay Kosov, composers Ruslan Kamyshin and Nikolay Shevchuk, and noteworthy Uralican footballers Bosko Levishin, Miron Smertin, and Artur Kuznetsov.
    The patriarch is reported to be staying for two weeks, and will participate in an Orthodox night service in the Church of the Resurrection in Pazhga tonight.
    Sports
    HK Syktyvkar Into Finals, CSKA And Jokerit Even Steven
    SYKTYVKAR - who didn't call this one?
    Usovuoren JKK could just as easily have run into a brick wall. HK Syktyvkar wrapped up a disturbingly brief series against the Finnish team from Usovuori with a 6-1 massacre in Usovuori last night, so the "Men In Black" return to Syktyvkar to await the winner of the currently-tied CSKA Kirov-HK Jokerit series. CSKA brought the series to two games apiece with a 4-3 overtime win in Syktyvkar last night, after losing the only regulation loss of the series (3-2) three days earlier.
    Pre-Transfer Window Thoughts
    This article was the weekly winner of a ujpl.com.ur contest for football writing.
    Football fans had best be watching their team's movements in the coming weeks. The transfer window opens on 10 June, and very few teams aren't at least somewhat involved. In fact, I believe SiPS went so far as to say they were completely happy with their team and weren't going to make a single move. Good on them - they don't really need to. Not with three of the best five players in Uralican football this season - Joni Rasimus, Raimo Suominen, and Hessu Öörni - on the squad. Heck no.
    There are several B-Liiga calibre, lower-level players that could be moving, though. Now Khalmer-Yu Town said that none of their players are for sale, and that they would not entertain any offers. So I guess that means Leonid Voloshenin, among others, isn't going anywhere fast.
    But what about Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola goalkeeper Csaba Szálay? Rumour has it that half the Bolakliiga is interested in acquiring his services.
    Centre mid Pentti Kotamäki, striker Dmitry Bumazhnikov, left back Foma Khrushchyov, and right mid Tamás Toth from YugraMash Kogalym are all up for sale, and with YugraMash being so far ahead of the competition in the Nelonen H1 that it's getting ridiculous, this should be a breath of fresh air for football fans on the east side of the Urals. It's already rumoured that Trátyi TK is interested in Toth, although I don't know why they would be with István Sándor having a good season as it is.
    Sever Murmansk may lose two of its best, but they won't come cheap by any means. Goalkeeper Ulrik Sandberg and left back Jonas Strömgren, both Saami, are on interest lists in both Bolakliiga and Ykkönen alike, and add to that the possibility of interest from Finnish striker Kari Härkönen in going elsewhere, and Sever might find itself in an interesting situation after the window. But with arch-rival Severstal Cherepovets being scouted, Sever most certainly aren't alone.
    18-year-old IPK/national team defender Martin Roos apparently wants out of Isoustiuki, as he feels the team's offence isn't good enough to be a contender in the Ykkönen. However, the only B-Liiga team that's showed interest thus far is FK Kirov. That said, with Milan Sorokin looking to gut FK Inta, one can never be 100% sure.
    There are also players within the Bolakliiga who might be changing teams, either to other B-liiga teams or lower-level teams. Make no mistake about it, FK Inta will be transfering players, most likely in the downward direction. Rumours out of Northeast Uralica have some players from the back end, most notably Moroz "The Giveaway King" Rybin, backup goalkeeper Aleksi Toivola, and right back Boris Kozlov going for next to nothing.
    A bit more surprising was Vyacheslav Kudymov handing in a transfer request, but that depends on whether or not you sympathise with him having to abide Mashinostroitel Kirov's lack of offence this season. Only Kirovin JK has scored fewer out of teams in the top half of the league. Speaking of whom, 'keeper Immo Kivilahti has said he's staying put.
    Another Bolakliiga player I'd see as a viable transfer option at this point is FK Vorkuta's Yoel Pankov. He says he's happy in Vorkuta, but I could see him going to a "better" club for the right price, mainly because I think his talent is wasted with a team that won't ever be much better than mid-table without some serious restructuring.
    Anyway, with eleven days to go until the window opens, I suspect there are already some talks going on, although a premature move will cost the offending team a nice chunk of kanat.
    Glazovski RMS Wins Inaugural Uralican Handball League Title
    GLAZOV - Well, after a long season of handball, and an exciting last five matches, Glazovski RMS has edged KPK Pettora and Yoshkarolsky RMS to win the inaugural UHBL title. It did so with a 15-10 win over KPK Uhta, finishing the season with 49 wins and 11 losses. KPK Pettora and Yoshkarolsky RMS both had 48 wins and 12 losses.
    Syktyvkarsky RMS won Division II on head-to-head results against Petroskoin KPK, as both teams finished the season with 52 wins and 8 losses. Petroskoin KPK and Julserolan KPK join the Division II champs in promotion, while HBV Patschke, RMS Fortuna, and Kudymkarsky Kruzhsky RMS are relegated to Division II.
    Wild Footy Week Sees FK Inta Finally Win A Match
    INTA - Milan Sorokin was grinning from ear to ear at the end of Saturday, as he declared that forward Maksi Vilppula and mid Bogdan Shishkov earned themselves a spot on the "no-transfer" list after the two combined for both goals and assists in FK Inta's 2-1 win over FK Syktyvkar.
    He also expressed great confidence in captain/starting 'keeper Vyacheslav Tikhonov, and in defenders Daniil Bykov and Lanssi Möttölä.
    "We are definitely showing signs of improvement," said the long-suffering Inta manager. "And finally, some of the players are starting to clue into the tactics I've been trying to use all season."
    In other news, Udmurtiya Izhevsk continues to spiral downward, losing to Trátyi TK, a team that they seem to have trouble beating (it was TráTK who made Udmurtiya exit this year's Kanslerinkilpi early), by a score of 3-2. There was only one other match of actual note, which saw Zavod Ural Solikamsk come back from 2-1 down to beat Dinamo Arkhangel'sk 3-2, with Fedor Poustovoitov scoring the winner in stoppage time.
    The Ykkönen had more than its share of turkey shoots, with some being one-sided (Mordovia Saransk 4-0 over FK Kudymkar, ÖPK 3-0 over Bumazhnik Solikamsk) and some not so one-sided (UJK 4-2 over Mashinostroitel Aleksandrovsk, FK Ukhta 3-2 over FK Berezniki). Lokomotiv Kotlas continues to lose without scoring, as they lost 2-0 against Spartak Kirov. Speaking of Spartaks, the one from Yoshkar-Ola seems to be recovering from their horrendous start to the season, now in the upper mid-table range after cracking .500 for the first time in club history, with a 2-1 win over CSKA Syktyvkar.
    (EDIT: Spell, I can not. )
  16. Uralica

    OOC: Some musings...

    By Uralica,

    It's been a while since I did a fully OOC blog, since most of this is simply a vent for my hypergraphia. For those that do not know, that's the condition of being one who writes way the hell too much. And Unsure and Jack Diorno among others can attest that I do indeed write way the hell too much, both on my Wiki and here in my CN blog.
    But that's not what this is about.
    No, this is about me taking my leave of the OWF, and most of the CN forums for that matter, indefinitely. There are actually several reasons for that, and most of them have to do with me.
    As anyone who actually knows me would know, I am a mild case of Asperger Syndrome, which in my experience has made me prone to being too literal about stuff, taking stuff too seriously, and being naive and too trusting. It also became apparent to me when I was talking to Rafael Nadal (God bless him) last night, that I spend too much time there, but all I really do is hail our allies, occasionally heckle some complete thicko, and try to be otherwise respectful. But in retrospect, I do sometimes wonder if I have anything of substance to contribute on OWF anymore, especially in a seemingly far grayer political atmosphere than when I first started playing CN over 1 1/2 years ago. I'm no Bob Janova or King_Srqt. I have no intelligent insights into Robertian politics. I'm many things - ghost-buster, linguist, giver, bank, stats-keeper, officer - but I nearly flunked entry-level Poli Sci for being too opinionated, and in the case of CN, I don't like to jump in unless I actually know what I'm talking about. And 90% of the time, I honestly know very little.
    Plus you see, when I was in CCC, even when I was their MoD, everything seemed black and white whenever CCC was involved. Whether that is naivete or not, I don't know. But in every situation that happened involving our alliance, except maybe how we handled the ", I had a very clear idea of who was right and who was wrong (including in WotC, where a snafu CCC had made a couple months prior came back to bite them in the butt).
    It was the Jarheads War that began to change this, but the events leading up to the Karma War sped it the hell up.
    Now don't get me wrong. I was ready to go to ZI for TOOL in defence of TPF, and I was gutted that I couldn't take part in the inital rush on DT, if only to have a little fun and maybe have a nice conversation in CCC-style fashion with my opponent. I ended up sort of doing this against Heifong, my since-inactive-deleted Brigade opponent. There was no talking until the end of the war, where it was kind of a "good fight, here's your knuckle-tappage" sort of thing. (I actually had sort of the same thing with one of my opponents from GOD in WotC, except we both chuckled at the fact that I got a million bucks off with my last attack, mere minutes from being told to send peace. )
    But now, in this "brave new world," it never seems as if any one person or alliance is 100% in the right, or 100% in the wrong, at least not at the heart of a major conflict. This is how I felt with the NPO situation, this is how I feel with the current Athens-TPF situation, and it probably won't be the last time I feel this way. Unless someone comes up with a CB that is rock-solid, or one that is a complete and total fabrication that can be debunked immediately (or the complete absence of one), I figure I'm doomed to keep my mouth shut. So why bother posting if I can't come up with something substantial? It just makes me come off like a complete imbecile.
    Now for some better news so as not to sound completely emo. (I hate emo music anyway, so anyone who called me emo would get my left foot in their face )
    My life outside of CN is actually looking up now, to be honest. I have a job, I'm going to school in the summer to start the process of working on my MLE degree, I have a church family that I love and that loves me and accepts me in spite of my myriad eccentricities and my incessant linguistics rambling. So why should I let this drag me down? The only thing that would make things better is if I could actually afford those overpriced music production programs, so I could get back to making music (I do hate having pirated software). Because seriously, me without music isn't really me.
    I won't leave CN until I absolutely have to, and that probably won't be until at least September of 2010, and probably later. I will continue to RP-blog. I will collect taxes, pay bills, Wiki, be a diplomat, and maybe exchange "NO Us" on IRC. But until something comes along that actually allows me to say something of worth, and not sound like I'm talking out my $@!, I'm done with OWF.
  17. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Salomäki: "Let Him Go."
    SYKTYVKAR - all it took to end a bitter rogue campaign against an alliance that has garnered a bit of a reputation for attacking others randomly was three words.
    Jarkko Salomäki returned late last night after having gone to TOOL War Command in the nation of Dodoboots. The nation of Philantia, who had attacked NorsaLan without provocation and continually baited TOOL members who came to that nation's defence, is finally at peace officially, although a ceasefire had been declared two days earlier when the nation's brash leader, President Hyland, finally admitted that he was at fault.
    Although there were rumblings of reparations being asked, an absent Dodoei123 had set the Uralican leader a text message stating what he wanted done.
    "My orders were clear," said the Uralican leader. "Dodo felt he had learned enough of a lesson from the beating he took, so I went to TWC and gave a simple three-word order. 'Let him go.' And the order was followed."
    The TOOL nations that counterattacked were Exarchy, Stachelstein, and FreeForAll, with Exarchy declaring official peace at the same time the ceasefire was negotiated.
    When asked for comment on the alliance, Jarkko was a bit pessimistic.
    "They aren't afraid to hit anyone," he said. "I mean heck, another one of their members is still in a war against an ICB member. If they keep this unchecked aggression up they'll be on the road to alliance-wide ZI in no time. But my orders are my orders. As long as they stay away from The Order and her allies, they have nothing to fear from me."
    Deer Cause Chaos Near Nizhnevartovsk
    NIZHNEVARTOVSK - Highway UH-35 had to be shut down between the easternmost suburbs of Nizhnevartovsk and the town of Izluchinsk, after a herd of deer "got uppity" and tried to cross the highway last night, causing a multiple-vehicle pileup on the eastbound lane and a couple fender-benders in the westbound lane.
    Local highway maintenance foreman Gyarfas Szoladi was hardly impressed.
    "Deer overpopulation is an issue in some parts of Uralica," he said. "Unfortunately, our area happens to be one of those parts. We have to install fences high enough to keep them off the main roads, because accidents like these really gnarl things up for people who live in the Vakh Valley area. I doubt the people in Izluchinsk were too thrilled that all the traffic was going down their main drag, either, especially with the speed limit being only fifty clicks... I figure this mess will take three or four days to sort out. There are no fatalities yet, but with a couple critical injuries involved, that could change."
    16 people had to be hospitalized, including three with potentially life-threatening injuries.
    "If that had been on Highway 1, there would have been instant fatalities for sure," Szoladi added. "The speed limit is higher, and there's more traffic. The reason things like this don't happen on the UH-1 is that either the road is raised too high, or there are high deer fences flanking the roadway."
    Tourism
    Twenty-Five Must-See Spots In Uralica
    Representatives from TOOL Tourism and several other tourism boards got together to decide on the best tourist attractions in Uralica (which they also did with several other nations - all the results are searchable on www.robertiantourism.com), and they were "at pains" to come up with just 25, a comment that only a few countries got.
    Anyway, here's the list in order.
    1. Uralic Cultural Centre, Syktyvkar - This should go without saying. So many things to see and do here that you'd have to take three days just to get started.
    2. Bolak Terminal, Kirov International Airport, Kirov - ever wanted to feel like you were in a video game? Get your picture taken in front of this sleek, futuristic airport terminal, that contains more shops than you could possibly imagine.
    3. Kuik Tower, Uralican World Trade Centre, Syktyvkar - The tallest building in the Ural-Volga region, you can go check out the view from the top floor or go shopping in Uralica's largest singular store in the bottom four. Your choice.
    4. The Ob-Bend Bridge, between Lapyt-Nank and Salyakharad - Uralica has an insane number of bridges, of which this one is the longest by far. Running diagonally across the Ob River and several small braids of the same, this engineering marvel offers an amazing view of both small cities. Best viewed in the summertime.
    5. Virgin Komi Forests National Park - stretching across three counties (Central Uralica, Pechora, Northeast Uralica), this former UNESCO World Heritage Site is still the largest virgin forest in Europe at over thirty thousand square kilometres, as it seems even angsty Robertian politicians have avoided this area like the plague when conducting military operations. Any eco-tourist would be in seventh heaven if they visited this natural treasure.
    6. Kesler Building, Yekaterinburg - Uralica's second-tallest building houses the Ural Mountains Stock Exchange's trading floor, as well as several financial offices. But it's the architecture that makes this beautiful modern building worth visiting.
    7. Sheldomar Bolak Monument, Ukhta - why is it that Uralicans have named so much stuff after Sheldomar Bolak? Well, given their history as a CCC member under the rule of the same, it should surprise no one. Heck, their largest corporation was renamed after him!
    8. Church of the Resurrection, Pazhga - Are you a Christian of any sort? Even if you aren't, this divinely-inspired monstrosity will leave you in awe with its exquisite stained-glass designs. Plus I've heard their Saturday and Sunday services (yes, in Uralica, some UEB Christians have their church on Saturday) are rockin'!
    9. Filharmonia, Syktyvkar - one of the great music halls of the world, in a country practically obsessed with the sonic arts, the Filharmonia has hosted some amazing concerts over the years, with shows ranging from classical performances by the Uralican Symphony and Syktyvkar Philharmonic Orchestras to heavy metal concerts that can be heard for miles around.
    10. Vyborg Castle, Viipuri - In spite of being under Russian rule from the mid-19th century to the foundation of Uralica, this castle has more of a Nordic flavour than a Slavic one, owing to the fact that Swedes built the thing and Finns were at one point the dominant ethnicity in the area. The centrepiece of perhaps Uralica's most picturesque city.
    11. The Zaliv, Cheboksary - although Zaliv means "bay" in Russian, The Zaliv is universally understood in Uralica as being this artificially-created bay, beach, and general area of Cheboksary dedicated to summer fun.
    12. Sysola Square, Uralica - where the Sysola and the Vychegda meet, across from the Uralic Cultural Centre, is the location of several important government buildings, such as the Tribal Council Chambers, Syktyvkar City Hall, and the former house of the Komi Tribal Board, as well as this treed square, which contains the "Founding Fathers And Mothers" statue, dedicated to some of the most important figures in Uralica's foundation. Figures that Meri Vanhanen, who came up with the concept of Uralica's flag, is the one holding the thing!
    13. Tsykmä Open-Air Museum Complex, Tsykmä - the Hill Mari language and a bevy of tourist spots are what best defines the city of Tsykmä in western Mari El, which is actually the only major centre in Mari El on the Volga's south side. But none of these attractions is more fascinating than the open air museum complex, which has dozens of older but well kept up buildings and thousands of artisan tools on display.
    14. Volga Narrows Bridge, Tsykmä - Another huge bridge in Uralica? Whooda thunk it? This is the link between Tsykmä and the rest of Mari El, but it is also important to Chuvashia as well. At the bridge's high point, one can actually see Cheboksary off in the distance. Cool!
    15. The Galleria, Yoshkar-Ola - A restoration project done on the National Artistic Gallery of Mari El in 2008 and early 2009 resulted in a renaissance for Mari fine arts. Now called The Galleria, it is the largest single-building museum in Uralica, and also houses the largest collection of Mari-ethnic art in the world, bar none. Music and film lovers have sections for them as well, plus there is a large library in the Galleria as well.
    16. Uralikan Yliopisto, Main Campus, Syktyvkar - Uralikan Yliopisto is widely regarded as the best Christian university in the Ural-Volga and among the best in the world. But it is also one of Syktyvkar's leading tourist attractions, believe it or not. The buildings are beautifully-designed in a variety of architectural styles, and the faculty and sessionals will sometimes hold free lectures on topics that interest tourists, such as architectural styles, recent Uralic history, and if you manage to get Jarkko Salomäki as your prof, perhaps even the phonology of Uralican Spoken Finnish.
    17. Pier 2 Mall, Arkhangel'sk - one of the main aquatic points of ingress into Uralica is the Arkhangel'sk-Severodvinsk Combined Seaport, which also includes the small town of Tsiglomen' between them. But it is Arkhangel'sk's massive Pier 2 that is where a great many passenger ships end up docking, and as such it has one of Uralica's largest shopping centres right across the street from it.
    18. TvinkiZavod, Chaykovsky - the city of Chaykovsky literally has a section of the city devoted to the manufacturing of a certain cream-filled pastry snack that is coveted by certain alliance leaders. And even though 70% of Uralican Twinkies are exported, the remaining 30% includes free samples included in the price of a tour of the place.
    19. Vorkuta Gulag Memorial Museum/Kolpakov Square, Vorkuta - It's no secret to anyone who has visited Uralica that some of their more northerly cities started off as gulag camps, however this dark past is intentionally aired out "so that others may not repeat these tragic mistakes." This museum provides a fascinating and candid look into city history, whether it solemnly pays homage to those who died in the labour camp conditions or looks fondly upon the period where Vorkuta was a haven from similar oppression.
    20. Novy Amkar Stadion, Perm' - footy anyone? Although the best teams in Uralica are in Kirov and Syktyvkar, the best stadium hands down is this amazing venue, which was rebuilt from the ground up when Perm' was rebuilt after being annexed. Not only is it an amazing atmosphere, but it stands as a symbol of a rejuvenated Perm' on the whole.
    21. Pyotr Il'yich Tchaikovsky Homestead Museum, Votka - Tchaikovsky was one of the classical greats, often mentioned in the same breath as Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Bizet, and many of the great Masters. In Uralica, he is considered a national inspiration, and the fact that his homestead is so well kept up is a testament to this. Apparently the country's own master, Sirkka Numminen, goes here whenever she's suffering from writer's block!
    22. Udmurt Museum of Culture and Arts, Izhevsk - after the Galleria in Yoshkar-Ola, this is the second-largest single-building museum in Uralica and also home to an amazing range of "Udmurt masterworks" and ethnographic material.
    23. Arctic Circle Monument, Salyakharad - Salyakharad has the quirky distinction of being the largest (and perhaps the only) world centre located directly on the Arctic Circle, marked by an equally quirky monument.
    24. New Surgut Bridge, Surgut - The world's longest single-tower cable-stayed bridge was rebuilt in 2009, and now serves as a key link along Highway UH-1. One sees the main city from the side when crossing the bridge, comparable to the Ironworkers' Memorial Second Narrows Bridge in Vancouver.
    25. UralTek Games HQ, Nizhny Tagil - Nicknamed "Gaming Geeks' Paradise" for good reason. Playing the newest UTG releases in arcade-like stalls only costs as much as you want to put into it. This massive arcade also doubles as a hiring ground for alpha and beta testers, and is a great place to talk about new gaming ideas with UralTek designers. One of our writers spent about an hour and a half playing The Fear Factory: Return To The Frozen Gulag there. Fun times!
    Sports
    Get Out The Brooms - Two Second-Round Sweeps In Kurri Trophy
    CSKA Kirov and HK Syktyvkar are through to the semifinals of the Kurri Trophy competition with ease. Now HK Syktyvkar had the tougher opponent, and if there were a such thing as a close sweep, this would be it - they won all but one game by only one goal. CSKA Kirov, on the other hand, made short work of HK Serov.
    Elsewhere, HK Jokerit can wrap up their best-of-seven against Torpedo Murmansk tonight with a win, as they lead the series 3-1. However, it seems things are far from over for HK Sputnik and Usovuoren JKK. The Nizhny Tagil team blew a 4-1 lead to lose 5-4 in overtime, so the series is now tied at two games apiece.
    First Managerial Sackings Of The Season
    KOTLAS - It would appear Lokomotiv Kotlas has had enough. Manager Arno Masing has been given the boot after a 3-1-46 record with the team over three seasons. But football pundits from outside the country question this move, saying that the back office staff were too tight-fisted to allow Lokomotiv Kotlas to improve enough to compete.
    Also gone is Arsenal Syktyvkar manager Kaspar Bykov, in a move that hardly surprised anyone.
    "He had lost the players," said SiPS manager Teppo Kostamo. "And when you lose the players that quickly because of your questionable tactics, something's got to give."
    Although FK Inta bench boss Milan Sorokin is rumoured to be on the block, Jarkko Salomäki doesn't think he'll be sacked earlier than the middle of the transfer window.
    "FK Inta might be a losing team, but they still got sponsorship bonuses to come in," he said. "If anyone's leaving Inta, it'll be players. Because I have seen this guy's tactics, and they aren't bad. It's just that the players he has don't cut it, especially in the back end. I wouldn't be surprised to see them jump into the race for some of the talented lower-level players like [Csaba] Szalay."
    Vorkuta Gives Udmurtiya A Scare
    VORKUTA - Udmurtiya Izhevsk came in expecting a victory, but they didn't expect that it would take a stoppage-time game-winner to do so. A superb outing from both striker Yoel Pankov and right mid Grisha Makarov kept this one close. In fact, Vorkuta briefly had a 2-1 lead after Pankov's second goal, although Yaro Trifanov equalised within five minutes for the Vihreävalkoiset. The opener was scored by Ed Nyilas, while the winner was scored by Pyotr Varenkov.
    "They aren't a team to be taken lightly," said manager Taras Zakhariyev. "That was a mistake we made early on, and we had a very close call because of the fact."
    Recovering Metafraks Gubakha also gave Amkar Perm' a scare, only losing 2-1. SiPS, in the meantime, beat Dinamo Arkhangel'sk 3-1. Dinamo Kirov kept pace with a 4-0 win over FK Inta.
  18. Uralica
    Reviews of Saturday's Second-Round Matches
    Antero Hentunen
    First of all, I'd like to thank the UJPL for letting me publish this article on their site, which is basically a score sheet plus my own thoughts on each match. I compiled this after watching highlights of each second round match.
    (1) SiPS 7:0 Torpedo Yugrakar - This time they actually dressed almost all their first-choice team. Torpedo Yugrakar played a bit negitavely and still got whooped. If they had played like Gornyak Kachkanar did, they would be well into double digits.
    Atlantis Pääjärvi 0:2 Dinamo Osa - This came down to who had the better 'keeper in the end.
    FK Bolak Ukhta 2:1 FK Langepas (AET) - Goes to show you that one piddling little foul can cause you the entire match.
    FK Vereshchagino 1:3 CSKVC Syktyvkar - 10/expected. I'm actually rather surprised Vereshchagino scored at all. But hey, a softie when you've already won hurts only the goalkeeper's ego.
    FK Kudymkar 2:0 Neftçi Ägerce - good show by FK Kudymkar. They knew they had to play a more balanced game against those sneaky Oilers, so they did precisely that, and reaped the rewards.
    Spartak-II Ukhta 2:1 FK Serov (AET) - FK Serov ran outta gas. 'Nuff said. Still, Spartak-II can't keep going to extra time or they'll burn themselves out in the future.
    ZB Severodvinsk 1:3 KM Orozai - that scoring punch we keep hearing about finally came into full play here. ZB was good to keep it close for most of the match, but they gave up perhaps a minute too soon.
    Metallurg Nytva 1:4 (32) Isoustiukin Pallokerho - IPK showing that they might just be able to make a run for the Bolakliiga this season. Can't blame the IPK 'keeper for letting in that one goal though - it was a superb redirection of a free kick that caught everyone going the wrong way.
    (17) FK Inta 1:0 Sortavalan JK - I won't mince words; Inta got lucky. If not for the fact that a Sortavalan player got sent off and the 'keeper got fooled by a bad bounce even then, this could have turned out quite differently. I see Inta losing against Gazovik unless they smarten up.
    Gazovik Urengoy 2:1 Fakel-Log United - I really liked Gazovik's work ethic in this one. Even after giving up the opening goal, they pushed harder and harder, and the team from Uralica's Shortest Highway just imploded from all the Urengoy pressure in the end. Could see these guys beating Inta, amazingly enough.
    Severstal Cherepovets 3:1 Apatit Hiipinä - Severstal won't be in the Kolmonen for long with the way they've been playing. Only team I could see beating them in the division is Sheksna.
    FK Torjal 1:3 Jokerit Suojärvi - now we know which of the two extra-timers had the harder opponent. Jokerit played their butts off out there.
    Transit Vojatsu 2:0 Dinamo Kostamuksha - I actually kinda expected this. For a Nelonen team to beat a Kakkonen team and lose to another Nelonen team the next team would be kinda... odd. These guys are going places, though.
    Trátyi TK-B 2(3):2(5) Mennonites FC Pazhga - Epic epic EPIC! This was one of the most exciting football matches I've ever seen in Uralica. The teams were so evenly matched that one save literally won them the game. Balthasar Grimm is my hero, making the game-winning save.
    FK Gremyachinsk 2:1 Dentex Izhevsk (AET) - Dentex may make toothpaste and toothbrushes, but the only thing that got cleaned in this match was their collective clock. They had this one wrapped up, but a dumb foul allowed Gremyachinsk to equalise, then they got caught napping in extra time.
    Peltinischer Sport Verein 3(7):3(6) (16)FK Syktyvkar - they may not have had a great season in the B-liiga last year, but FK Syktyvkar isn't that bad a team, and they didn't play bad football. Here's the clincher though - PSV was better, if only slightly. Another epic match for the books.
    (9)Dinamo Vologda 5:1 FK Krasnovishersk - Come on, who didn't see this coming?
    Titan V'naya Salda 4:0 FK Troitsko-Pechorsk - this, on the other hand, came out of left field. FKTP looked incredibly sloppy and amateurish down there, while Titan came ready to play their hearts out and beat the tar out of them.
    Vogvozdino Town 3:2 Veliski FK (AET) - everyone's talking about Khalmer-Yu Town being the feel-good dark horse of this thing, but what about Vogvozdino? The junction town of two thousand people between Syktyvkar and Emva is putting together their own Cinderella run! This is quite the upset!
    Rapid Kuálõk 3:1 FK Kungur - ahh yes, the team from the town whose name no one from outside of Uralica can pronounce properly. Start learning how to centralise your As and unround your Os, people. Rapid is here to stay! They've been on a tear of late.
    Rossia Krasnokamsk 4:2 Veliskin Palloklubi - looks like Rossia is playing their football this season as if they have something to prove. And they do, really. They have to prove that they can make it back into the Ykkönen for next season.
    Luch Murmansk 2:1 Gornyak Usinsk - gotta give Gornyak credit for not quitting until the final whistle went, but Luch was too good in the back.
    FK Yulser-Ola 2:1 Dinamo-II Arkhangel'sk - 'twas a good run for Dinamo's reserve, but all good things must come to an end. One thing's for sure though, the future is looking ever brighter for the "Sinichornyye," in spite of their reserve team's exit. FK Yulser-Ola had to dig really deep to get that second goal.
    Spartak Kovdor 0:2 (24) Öskölömen Palloklubi - ÖPK did well to get goals by perhaps one of the most negative teams in Uralica. Spartak needs to work on its offence, and needs to do so SOON.
    (25) Bumazhnik Solikamsk 3:1 Hungaria Juganvar - Bumazhnik struggled a little in the first half, but got a second wind and blasted two quick ones in to start the second half, demoralising Hungaria. They need more consistency, though.
    Taiga Shchelyayur 3:2 UPHG Mozhga (AET) - another win for Shchelyayur? Not bad for a bunch of guys from the middle of nowhere! Seriously, it seems the most remote teams play with the most heart and determination.
    Patschker SpVgg 4:1 FK Zura - need any proof that Zura lucked out against Transit Kuálõk? Well, they played at about the same level here, and they got flattened by the "Sod-Housers" of Patschker Spielvereinigung.
    Transit Gryazovets 0:3 Spartak Kirov - Spartak hasn't really had any real competition yet, outscoring their opponents 7-0 over the first two matches. Not bad at all for a new team.
    Obyugra FK 3:1 FK Verkhny Tagil - they had a little bit of a scare in the second half, but Obyugra pulled itself together for a decent win over a moderately-talented team.
    Inter Enso 3:2 Mashinostroitel Severodvinsk (AET) - holy upset, Batman! Inter Enso has had a tough draw so far and has still managed to make it through two rounds. Let's keep our eyes on them, especially striker Andrey Voloshinin.
    Darya Orichi 3:1 FK Ordjanbuje - and the moral of this story is? Experience wins matches!
    Transit Omutninsk 2:4 (8)Spartak Ukhta - The score might not do justice to how much trouble Spartak had with Transit in this one. Trud Orlov was a walk in the park compared to these guys.
    (5) Mashinostroitel Kirov 6:0 Kortkeros Town - Not many people can get the ball past Yev Kudymov, and no one has in the 'Kilpi yet.
    FK Kotlas-II 1:3 Dinamo Petroskoi - It's not like they were playing a massively good academy system Dinamo had little trouble with FK Kotlas' lacklustre reserve squad.
    FK Tsiglomen' 3:2 Yugra Surgut (AET) - if you don't know where Tsiglomen' is yet, look it up. Once part of Arkhangel'sk, it is the oft-neglected third major settlement in the Arkhangel'sk-Severodvinsk Combined Seaport. Well, oft-neglected until now. Their football team is pretty darned good, fighting from whistle to whistle.
    GazEx Kamensk 2:3 Magyar LK - I was rather disappointed with the level of play the "Magyar Saints" brought to the pitch in this one. GazEx wasn't as good as the close score might suggest. A bit of a howler, really.
    Fortuna Nizhny Tagil 4:0 Northbank United - the FK Novy Urengoy near-loss was a wakeup call for Fortuna, who went all-out on Northbank (who aren't that bad for a Nelonen team) and got the kind of results that the best unseeded team should be getting.
    Retrofitnik Asbest 3:1 Zheleznik Segezha - Fitting that a team nicknamed the "Earthquakes" should defeat a team called the "Railworkers." Bad puns aside, Retrofitnik brought their game up a notch to win. They won't be easy to beat.
    Krug FK Kudymkar 2:3 Metallurg Kamensk (AET) - Metallurg knew they had to improve to beat Krug, so they spent extra time in training. It paid off in the end as they had that extra bit of stamina to carry them to victory.
    KSFK Glazov 0:2 (28)CSKA Syktyvkar - for some reason, CSKA hasn't really impressed me thus far. It's almost as if they're holding back. Still, they were better here than they were in that snooze-fest they played against FK Novodvinsk.
    (21)FK Ukhta 3:2 Novo FK Novocheboksarsk (AET) - Not so much a case of Ukhta playing poorly as it was of Novo playing their very best football. The only problem here was, they overexerted themselves in regulation, leaving themselves dead-tired by the time extra time came around.
    Torpedo Ezhva 1:2 RKC Petroskoi - I feel bad for Ezhva. This match should have gone to a shootout really, but the ball took a funny hop off the ground off a free kick and the Ezhva 'keeper wasn't quick enough to keep it out. RKC's manager came out and said his team had gotten a lucky break there, because it was otherwise a very even, open contest, with both goalkeepers otherwise performing very well.
    Zenit Nevyansk 2:0 Khimik Saransk - Zenit's proven to be one of the most balanced teams in the Kolmonen, and it shows in their meticulous but not quite negative defensive play. Khimik just didn't have it in them, although they still tried somewhat.
    Unix Vereshchagino 0:5 Sever Murmansk - even though I know the answer from a pragmatics point of view, from a footballing view, it has to be asked - WHY THE HELL ARE SEVER ONLY IN THE KAKKONEN?? For crying out loud, they're playing B-liiga-level football!
    Russki FK 3:4 Dinamo Kharovsk (AET) - You could tell how much Dinamo wanted to win this. When the match was over, half the team was on the ground, panting, with huge smiles on their faces. They literally left everything out on the pitch, and a beautiful, highlight-reel transition play led to the winning goal.
    Juuria JK 2:0 SSP Syktyvkar - SSP stank in this one. There is no way to sugar-coat it. Every last shot of theirs missed the net completely.
    FK Novaja Zemlja 1:0 FanKom Alapayevsk - small score doesn't always mean boring. Both goalkeepers were tested, and it took an insanely accurate free kick to get the Islanders the win.
    Spartak Ivdel 0:7 (12) Zavod Ural Solikamsk - ZavU must like cup competitions. Seriously, they do better in the 'Kilpi than in any other competition. And this was no different, complete with Fedor Poustovoitov and Miron Smertin both getting hat-tricks.
    (13)FK Vorkuta 3:0 Lokomotiv Izhevsk - FK Vorkuta is easily one of the most underrated teams in the Bolakliiga. They might not have star power, but their team game is to die for.
    UralAsbest Asbest 1:2 Mansi SKFK (AET) - great match for the fans. It had lots of shots, three highlight-reel-worthy goals, and a dramatic finish which saw an honest-to-God ethnic Mansi bag a magnificent winning goal off a seemingly harmless free kick. Should have gone to a shootout, but hey, that's football!
    FK Vorkuta-II 2:1 Udmurt Balezino - like I said, underrated. This extends to their reserve team as well.
    Spartak Krasavino 0:3 YugraMash Kogalym - holy embarrassing, Batman! After upsetting Delin Izhevsk, they completely implode. That said, YugraMash did beat Majak Punaturjin.
    Mari FK 2:0 Gornyak Severouralsk - much more definitive a win than their nailbiter against Torpedo Agryz. They dominated from whistle to whistle.
    CSKVC-II Kirov 2:4 MFK Viche Alan - no, the "M" doesn't stand for "Mari" even thought the city name is indeed Mari. That said, Kirov's air force's reserve team was never really in this match, although they scored to make it 3-1 and 4-2. MFKVA were just too strong.
    Olimp Ürzhüm 1:2 FK Yugrakar - I have to say, I'm rather disappointed with Olimp. They go from winning a match 6-2 to losing in one round. A hairbrained play by Ferenc Kurti late in the match didn't exactly help matters.
    FK Yashkur-Bodya 1:7 (20)CSKVC Kirov - This is the case of the annoying red spider (FKYB) who gets squished by the foot of a giant (CSKVCK) but manages to get in a bite that creates a slight discomfort in the process. They didn't really stand much chance against one of the hardest-working teams in the upper levels. Ex-SiPS striker Seppo Alkkis played well, grabbing two goals and an assist.
    (29)Mashinostroitel Aleksandrovsk 5:0 Dinur Pervouralsk - The team formerly known as Aleks has yet to concede a goal, and not because of the incompetence of the opposition, but because 21-year-old Alexi Vahamäki has been nothing short of a monster in goal. Plus his long-distance goal kicks and punts have made life generally miserable for the opposition.
    Mordovia Lashma 1:3 Volga Cheboksary - an utterly dimwitted header by left back Donat Konstantinov to put the ball in his own net sealed what could have been a dramatic and close match.
    Zheshart FK 2:1 Tekstilshchik Kirov - I thought Zheshart would wipe the floor with Tek'chik, but an unfortunate outbreak of the flu two days earlier meant that half the team was actually sick. The fact that they even decided to play at all is a miracle, much less the fact they won. Gennadiy Turpanov is insane though - he was hospitalised after the match for dehydration, after scoring both Zheshart's goals.
    SPKFK Salyakharad 1:4 Ural Yekaterinburg - Ural will be in the Bolakliiga. It's only a matter of when.
    CSKA Ukhta 2:1 Spartak Urai - Another case of, "we gave it our all, but they were just too good." Poor Urai.
    FK Dobryanka 0:3 Sysola Syktyvkar - not really surprising. Dobryanka only won 1-0 against a far easier opponent, so Sysola just clobbered them.
    Mezen' FK 2:1 Triumph Yalchiki - Mezen' were very determined to win this one.
    Yaranich Yaransk 0:6 (4)Dinamo Arkhangel'sk
    - absolutely, positively, NO chance of Yaranich winning this match. And from what I saw, Dinamo let up on them after they scored the fifth goal, or else the score would have been way higher. Outclassed in every way imaginable. Hell, Ipati Izotov was a spectator. Quite literally.
    (3)Dinamo Kirov 7:0 FK Kondupohju - two easy teams back-to-back. Khavkuk Shlomov actually sat this out after scoring a ridiculous eight against FK Artyomovsky in the first round, and they still won by a country mile.
    Transit Murashi 3:2 Sukhona Sokol - another close battle for Transit, but they managed to make it to the third round through grit. Their physical football isn't particularly palatable to all, which they found out when they got a couple foreign friendlies, leaving both teams whining that they were playing dirty.
    Progress Inta 2:0 Serebrennik Koryazhma - Progress had seen Serebrennik's offensive style on tape after their own match against Torpedo Cherepovets ended, so they decided to play a more defensive style. It worked.
    Montsan Palloklubi 2010 3:2 FK Sarapul - classic. This was yet another case of two teams that were very evenly matched, and it was unfortunate for FK Sarapul that this didn't go to extra time. The winning goal was scored just as the ref was getting ready to blow for full-time, when a defender went for a clearance and had the ball knocked away from him by an MPK-10 forward, who passed it back to a midfielder who lobbed the goalkeeper.
    Tekstilshchik Igra 1:3 Spartak Aunus - Tek'chik was tired. Spartak Aunus wasn't. 'Nuff said.
    Gornyak Mirnyy 1:3 Sokol Sernur - this was simply a case of Sokol being the better team.
    North College Segezha 2:1 PFK Kirovo-Chepetsk - Was actually mostly NC Segezha in this game in terms of good plays, just that PFKKC had a good goalkeeper. If NCS' goalkeeper faced as many shots as his opposite number, Kirovo-Chepetsk woulda won.
    FK Kostomuksha 0:2 (30) Usovuoren JK
    - UJK was being dangerously nonchalant about this match, at least as far as offence goes. If they went into a match even against a Kakkonen team with that kind of attitude, they'd be dead in the water.
    But let's be honest. FK Kostomuksha isn't really that good a team in the big picture.
    (19) Transit Sosnogorsk 4:0 Torpedo Glazov - No real surprise here. Udmurtia-II had Kakkonen-level talent, enough to give a team fresh out of the Ykkönen a real scare, but Torpedo Glazov played like amateurs by comparison.
    Khalmer-Yu Town 5:1 Kompak Pervomaysky - the risk you run by accepting a walkover is that you will come into a game cold, and Kompak did precisely that. Khalmer-Yu, on the other hand, continue their Cinderella run, although their next opponents could just as easily put an end to it.
    Sheksna Cherepovets 3:0 FK Syktyvkar-II - Sheksna's really been playing well of late, and I think that they will definitely challenge for promotion this season. They certainly did a good job of showing where FK Syktyvkar's weaknesses lie at the youth level.
    FK Cheboksary 2:4 Kirssin Palloseura - so I herd you liek the "Mud KiPS." (No baloney, that's their nickname ) They certainly like to score goals, although their defence needs a bit of work. Their 'keeper was left hung out to dry on both goals. Fortunately for them, FK Cheboksary's offence is mediocre.
    Karjala JK Viipuri 1:2 Kedr Novouralsk (AET) - Kedr earned this one with blood, sweat, and tears, quite literally. They would go for balls that some footballers wouldn't touch for fear of hurting themselves. They had to used two substitutions just for injuries. They even managed getting a Karjala JK player (one of the few foreigners that play their game in Uralica) sent off for a studs-up challenge. But when Ruslan Germanov headed the ball into the net in the mid-stages of the half, it all became worth it.
    Jupiter Yarkosky 0:1 Burevestnik Izhevsk - quite possibly the most BORING match I've ever watched in Uralica. Seriously, that's not football. That's what you'd expect from chess. And if I wanted to watch a chess match, I'd go to the Uralic Cultural Centre. Thankfully, this didn't go all the way to a shootout. I think the stands would empty if that were the case. Honestly, when your home fans are booing you and calling for your sacking, you know you're in trouble. Tommi Myllys, do yourself a favour. Resign. NOW.
    Uva Hotspur 1:2 Chŏvash Ulatŏr - although there were only the three goals, there were tons of chances at both ends, but solid performances from the goalkeepers kept this pretty much level until around the 85th minute, when "VashU" sprung its star forward on a breakaway that ended with him rounding the 'keeper. Full marks to both clubs for effort, but the away side was just a teensy bit better in the end.
    Vienankemin JK 0:2 (14)FK Kotlas - FK Kotlas has yet to allow a goal, but surprisingly for a B-Liiga team, they themselves have only scored five in two matches. I have to wonder if this will bite them in the butt when they play someone with some actual substance.
    (11)Metafraks Gubakha 3:1 Dinamo Kirovo-Chepetsk - another B-Liiga team I'm starting to get concerned about. That said, Metafraks is currently slightly injury-ridden, so they have an excuse. They still played decent football in the end.
    Metallurg Dvurechensk 0:4 Rapid Konosha - yet another lower-level dark horse is Rapid Konosha. They have outscored their opposition 7-0 over the last two matches, with their next opponent being Metafraks Gubakha, who seem to not be quite playing at B-Liiga form at the moment. Could they spring the next upset? Their chances are better than one might think.
    Udmurt FK 2:1 Zenit Yekaterinburg - Zenit went down 2-0 early, tried to come back, and almost succeeded, but had a goal disallowed. Upon further review it was determined the call was legit and the result was upheld. It was a fun match, though. I didn't actually watch them all, but I did watch this one. Udmurt did get a little lucky in the end with the offside call though.
    Sokolski Sportklub 0:2 Octane Perm' - Octane lived up to their name in this match, even though they only scored twice. They had 70% of the possession and created a lot of good chances, and if not for Sokol's good goalkeeping the score could easily have been three times that. Sokol did get seven shots in as well, but Octane's goalkeeper was up to the task. One thing I like about these guys is that they are very consistent, they calm themselves before each match, and they like to have fun. What point is there playing footy if you aren't gonna have fun doing it?
    Spartak Nyagan 3:2 Dynamo Öskölömi (AET) - Spartak Nyagan have won the last two games through pure fitness. Honestly, not many teams at their tier-level of the UJPL can pull off back-to-back AET matches (they beat free-falling Arsenal Syktyvkar 4-3) and still have much gas left in the tank, but honestly, these guys were back in training earlier today and looked only slightly fatigued.
    Severomineralnik Apatity 1:3 PFK Yoshkar-Ola - I have to admit I was a little disappointed with Severomineralnik after this one. I went to their first-rounder against Luch Zyukaika, and this team, for its defensive glitches, showed promise of having a real chance offensively. But against Promyshlennik (that's what the "P" stands for in PFK), they were all but shut down, and by the time they scored their only goal, it was the 80th minute and the match was pretty much over.
    Transit Talitsa 1:2 Peltinischer FC (AET) - I've heard reports of this being one for the ages, and quite frankly, I believe it. You've got a bunch of footy-mad Germans on one side and a good bunch of kids on the other. Both teams left it all out there, and it took an extremely well-placed corner kick to set up the winning goal in the second half of extra time. I watched the highlights of this one and was quite impressed.
    FK Krasnoufimsk 1:5 TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky - The "Twinkie Tigers" might have a cutesy-poo nickname based on a pastry snack and a certain alliance's ruler, but trust me, they are the real deal. After their shock win over 22nd-seeded Spartak Yoshkar-Ola in a penalty shootout, they came back and absolutely flattened Krasnoufimsk. The TZC 'keeper let in a soft one late, but his reaction to this was a chuckle, because he knew his team had won. I could see these guys in the bigs in three seasons or so.
    (27)Turan Ukhta 3:2 Karelia Petroskoi - Ykkönen club Turan Ukhta got a scare from Karelia Petroskoi, a Kolmonen side with a head of steam and a ton of determination, which made for some epic football. If Karelia Petroskoi doesn't get out of the Kolmonen this season, I'd be kinda disappointed. They really came to play, and it's too bad they lost in a sense. But Turan was able to hold them off with some key defensive plays late in the game.
    UralMash Punaturjin 3:1 Start Malmyzh - Since Majak disappointed, UralMash decided it was their bounden duty to carry the torch for the city of Punaturjin, and they did a pretty darned good job of it, especially after a slow start against PZ Perm. Malmyzh were caught a little off guard by a much more determined UralMash, and found themselves down 2-0 within 25 minutes. It just snowballed from there.
    Viktoria Sortavala 1:3 Murman Severomorsk - For a team that was only founded two months ago as a general sports club, Murman is turning a lot of heads with some very sensible play. Viktoria was a tougher team to crack than their first-round opponents, but after that second goal, you pretty much knew Murman was going to win. Viktoria just didn't have it in them.
    Neftekhimik Parma 0:2 FK Berezniki - could have just as easily been 5-0 for FK Berezniki, but for some pretty good goalkeeping from Luka Ustinov, Neftekhimik's ethnic-Komi goalkeeper. The rest of the team, on the other hand, kinda sucked against newly-promoted FK Berezniki, who play in the Ykkönen this season.
    Sapmi FK Montsa 0:1 Viipurin Palloseura - this match was rather boring, to be honest. Neither team wanted to make a mistake, and they did play well-organised, but the lack of shots made this an epic snoozefest. VPS outshot Sapmi 3-2, and the goal was kinda scrappy.
    Mashinostroitel Cherepovets 0:2 Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola - Further proof that Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola deserved to be moved up to Kakkonen came in the form of this very well-played match. Mashinostroitel wasn't bad per se, but they just couldn't beat Csaba Szalay, who stopped all eight of the shots he faced.
    Dinamo Usinsk 2:3 FK Saransk (AET) - very close match here in the end, in spite of FK Saransk's quick start. I wouldn't say Saransk blew this one by giving up a 2-0 lead since it was so close in terms of skill level and possession. Usinsk actually had the slight upper hand in possession, not even by a percent.
    FK Kilmez 1:4 (6)Amkar Perm' - Kilmez brought their A-game for this one. Naturally, for one of only two teams in the UJPL system that was in the Old Russian Premier League (Ural Yekaterinburg being the other), it wasn't anywhere near good enough. But Amkar came right out and said they actually broke a sweat in this match, as opposed to the first-round drubbing they handed FK Murashi. Actually, it was a classy move by Amkar to give Matvey Chaykovsky the match ball after the final whistle - he got Kilmez their only goal and hit the inside of the left post a second time. Keep your eyes out for him. He's gonna be good.
    (7)Kirovin JK 5:0 FK Beryozovka - no surprises here, really. Tapani Karjalainen had a hat trick.
    Ural Irbit 1:2 Metallurg Chusovoi - This was so close. It took a highlight-reel goal from Metallurg left-flanker Mainio Harjanne late in the game (as in, second-half injury time late ) to seal this deal. Seriously, I don't think anyone expected him to curl a corner kick right into the net, even Mainio Harjanne himself!
    Traktor Berezniki 1:3 Gornyak Perm' - Gornyak may be in the Kolmonen now, but they're playing Ykkönen-level football, at least in the offence. Their defence still needs a little work, but it was better than it was in their 4-2 win over Olimpia Kirovo-Chepetsk's reserves.
    Parus Izhevsk 1:2 FK Naryan-Mar - FK Naryan-Mar is playing with a chip on its shoulder, and has gutted out two very physical victories. This one didn't go to extra time mainly because of the very strong second half the "Ptarmigans" had.
    Krylyja Uralikov 3:2 FK Karhumägi - It seems KUFK isn't playing up to scratch this round. Honestly, they were lucky to get the win here. More defensive errors than one could shake a stick at.
    Energiya Sheksna 1:3 Metallurg Omutninsk - All the close chances actually went in this time. The score doesn't do justice to how dull this game really was, with Energiya playing very defensive football for the first half and the first part of the second half, yet Metallurg were still able to bag three even though they only managed five shots on goal. Which means one of two things - either Energiya's 'keeper sucks, or Metallurg's offence is better than they let on in their opening match.
    Ural Vuktyl 1:4 Dinamo-II Kirov - It will take a GOOD team to beat Dinamo Kirov's reserves. They have some players on that team that are already ready to make the jump to the main roster, and Ural Vuktyl should count themselves lucky that they even got a goal.
    FK Oktyabrskiy 1:4 (26)Pechorski SK - Pechorski SK, who nearly made it into the B-liiga for this season, were smart to let up a little when they had Oktyabrskiy beat 4-0 by the early stages of the second half. They're gonna need the extra juice on Wednesday when they play Dinamo Kirov's reserves.
    (23)Lokomotiv Kotlas 2:3 UralElektroMed V'naya Pyshma (AET) - in spite of their seeding, the rather incompetent Lokomotiv Kotlas will need to make a few changes if they're to stay in the Ykkönen after getting massacred in the B-Liiga both last season and the season before. I mean come on, they struggled with TWO teams that were three divisions lower than they were! And UralElektroMed really isn't that spectacular.
    Metallurg Yoshkar-Ola 1:2 Avtodor Yekaterinburg (AET) - I actually watched this match in full, and ended up not regretting it. It was very exciting with both side having chances numbering in double digits. I kinda felt bad for Metallurg, because they played really well, and hit the crossbar in second-half stoppage time, nearly scoring. Avtodor earned the win, though.
    SpVgg Ubb 3:0 Volga Yulser-Ola - a combination of collapse from Volga and continued greatness from Ubb resulted in basically a fly-through for the Mennoland-based team. I could honestly see them making the Round of 16 the way they're playing.
    FK Balezino 2:1 Jälgpallklubi Trakt - this result is currently under review due to a handball controversy in the late stages, and to be fair to the referee, given the crowd that was around the goal at the time, I don't blame him for not seeing it. Kudos to JK Trakt for "doing it right," though, and going through all the proper channels of appeal. If it does go to replay though, I hope both teams play better. I got the sense that at least JK Trakt wasn't firing on all cylinders in this one.
    Liv JK 3:1 Sokol Medvedevo - not surprised this was more clear cut. I saw a friendly between the two teams Liv has beaten thus far, and Transit Votka was indeed the better team. What I am surprised about is that Sokol Medvedevo actually scored.
    Torpedo Yekaterinburg 2:3 Nenets FK - Nenets FK wasn't playing poorly per se, they just caught a team that was almost as good as they were. But apparently living up in the frozen tundra gives the "Arctic Terns" the extra drive to win matches. And that last goal by Uuro Karttunen was an absolute beauty.
    Dinamo Berezniki 3:1 Spartak Plesetsk - Dinamo Berezniki had a little more trouble with Spartak Plesetsk than they did with Luch Zarechnyy, but that wasn't saying too much. The Chuvash side did get a decent goal against them, mind you. But it was business as usual.
    FK Louhi 1:7 (10)Telekom Pazhga - Diedrik Siemens is by far the best flanking mid in Uralica, and he showed why again in this game. He only had a single assist in the 9-1 romp over Dinamo-II Vologda but chalked five up here, and had at least a small part in every goal. He can make plays, and he can also finish them - he scored a goal as well. I expect big things from the 'Kom this season.
    (15)FK Kirov 3:1 Sapmi FK Käddluhtt - This is FK Kirov in form I've never seen them in before. In spite of letting in a goal, with the speed and accuracy of the high shot, there was no way Marko Aikio could have stopped it. But FK Kirov played fantastic football out there.
    Energiya Kez 2:4 FK Votka - Kez gave Votka some trouble in this all-Udmurt battle, at least in the first half. But in the second half, I dunno what the manager said in the half-time team talk, but it lit a rocket under their butts and they got two quick ones to win. They need to be more consistent or the higher-ranked teams will easily beat them.
    CSKA Vorkuta 1:2 Neftekhimik Onega - Talk about a roller-coaster ride! CSKA actually had a 1-0 lead at the end of the first half! But Neftekhimik dug deep and fought back, with Tuomo Nieminen scoring both goals in the comeback win for that side. Nice stuff.
    Kannas FK Viipuri 0(5):0(4) Sapmi Murmansk - this match nearly put me to sleep. Quite literally.
    Pshenitsa Kudymkar 1:2 Akademklub Arkhangel'sk (AET) - Akademklub stole this one. Outshot and outplayed, it was a brilliant goalkeeping effort by Sergey Rodionov that kept them afloat, and later, let them win this one, since they were outshot 15-6.
    FK Vytegra 3:0 Dvina Novodvinsk - Vytegra appears to be going places, led by striker Rustam Chesnokov and goalkeeper Andrey Gordiyev. They haven't allowed a goal yet, and are playing at a pretty solid level of football. Can they take the next step, though?
    FK Sheksna 1:2 Mashinostroitel-II Kirov - Mashinostroitel's reserves are okay, but they had to work for this one against a determined FK Sheksna. Don't confuse that team with Sheksna Cherepovets though. Last time FK Sheksna and Sheksna Cherepovets met, the latter won 4-0.
    Gornyak Kachkanar 0:9 (19)Trátyi TK - I don't think words could possibly describe how poorly Gornyak played on their own pitch. Seriously, if TraTK were even close to being serious about this, they'd've won by at least fifteen.
    (30)Khimik Koryazhma 3:0 Rubin Yadrin - Khimik decided to step up their defence for this game, but they really didn't need to since Rubin Yadrin were lucky just to get out of the first round with that lacklustre offence of theirs.
    SiPS-Reservit 3:1 FK Rodniki - Rodniki went with the same formula that got them their 1-0 win over Torpedo Konosha, but they got blown away by the speed of the SiPS reserves, including Oleg Vodovozov and Ahti Rautamäki, both of whom have first-team contracts but have yet to've played for the big squad. Speaking of Rautamäki, he scored the insurance goal late in the match.
    Salon Vologda 0:2 FK Sindor - Sindor may play a more defensive game than some teams, but they do have some scoring punch as well, and both came to bear in this very balanced-looking game. Salon didn't stand a chance.
    Yagry FK 0:5 Mordovia Saransk - Mordovia smells blood by the looks of it. They want to do things this season, and if they keep putting together matches like these, they'll do it. Georgi Khrushchyov is a beast up front.
    Eesti JK 3:0 Lokomotiv Paranga - Looks like Paranga got out of the wrong side of the bed on game day. Their players were nowhere near as focussed as they were when they beat STM Medvedevo. But Eesti seems to be putting together good strings of performances, with a pre-Kilpi friendly win against UJK and now two wins in the 'Kilpi, outscoring their opposition 6-1.
    Mashinist Chusovoi 1:4 Energiya Chaykovsky - Mashinist looked very tired out there today, and Energiya took full advantage, leading 3-0 after the first half. Shouldn't have been up all night partying!
    Fakel Kuyeda 2(7):2(6) FK Syktyvda - a real battle for the ages. Both teams held the lead once, with Syktyvda (who are based in Vilgort, a suburb of Syktyvkar) having to score the equaliser. It must have been devastating for Dmitry Berezin to hit the goal post on his shot. Poor guy.
    Dinamo-GPS Murmansk 0:8 (2)Udmurtiya Izhevsk - If Udmurtiya goes out early like they did last year, there're gonna be a lot of upset people in Izhevsk. Golubovsky has been a playmaking machine, bagging 10 assists in only 2 games.
    POST-SCRIPT NOTE: FK Balezino striker Markus Cheveldayoff came forward and said the ball did indeed hit his hand, and as a result the original 2-1 result was thrown out. Since Balezino "did not want to hold up the works," they refused a replay, meaning JK Trakt was awarded a forfeit victory on Monday. However, just before the time of publishing, JK Trakt had lost to SpVgg Ubb.
  19. Uralica
    (OOC: Curses, late again Ah well, I have an excuse this time. My church barbecue and me being completely dead-tired yesterday in general)
    Top Stories
    Plesetsk Cosmodrome To Reopen In June
    MIRNYY - It would seem Uralica has spacefaring ambitions.
    For the last two months, the Uralican Air Force has been working around the clock on getting the famous Plesetsk Cosmodrome, which is actually closer to former "closed town" Mirnyy within Northwest Uralica, up and running again.
    "A lot of the equipment, while unused, was still very much operable," said Reijo Muurinen, who is in charge of the project. "Some of the equipment was kinda outdated anyway, so we took all that stuff out and are in the process of replacing it. It should be done sometime in late June."
    The reopening of the Cosmodrome has brought forth rumours that Uralica may soon be reaching for the stars, so to speak.
    Cleanup In Northwest Uralica Almost Complete
    KOSLAN - Leakage from an old weapons depot near the Uralican town of Koslan, which caused the destruction of thousands of hectares of forest land, has almost been contained, according to project supervisor and Tribal Council member Janne Hirvonen.
    "The latest report suggests that we are at about 96% completion," the Finn said. "The cleanup of the Mezen' River, which was the hardest part that required the most people, is 100% finished. The real issue now is the complete gutting and disassembly of the weapons depot. The military has been heavily involved in this part, to ensure that it's done right and without incident."
    Sports
    TvinkiZavod Learning The Hard Way
    CHAYKOVSKY - It's tough being a fourth-tier team in an international league for sure. Just ask TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, the twinkie-sponsored Kolmonen F team who entered the Siberian Trophy this season.
    But in spite of the fact they've lost all but one of their four games in play (1-0-2 in league play and their only cup match was a loss as well), they have kept every match close.
    "It's all about learning the hard way," said manager Yosif Makarin. "Perhaps by 2014, we will be playing in the Bolakliiga. It's hard to say, but we are getting better with every game."
    Their next match is against the very talented Bamburgh FC. The team brought precocious young goalkeeper Anatoly Yakimkin in after a successful trial stint with the reserve club, one that saw TZC Reserves win five straight without allowing a goal.
    Kurri Trophy Semifinal Draw
    (1) HK Syktyvkar (won 4-0) vs. (7) Usovuoren JKK (won 4-3)
    (4) CSKA Kirov (won 4-0) vs. (6) HK Jokerit (won 4-1)
    Predictions:
    Syktyvkar vs. Usovuori: Let me put it simply. Neither Usovuoren JKK nor Spartak Murmansk have the firepower necessary to take on powerhouse HK Syktyvkar. It wouldn't have mattered so much who won this, as HKS would be favoured to win anyway.
    HK Syktyvkar in 4.
    CSKA vs. Jokerit: This one will be a little closer. CSKA recovered from a slow start to finish top in the Southern Division. Jokerit finished second in the ultra-tough Western Division. This will be a classic.
    CSKA in 7.
    UIHL To Expand For 2010-2011
    Each division will have eight teams starting next season, with the top four advancing to playoffs, eliminating the need for the top teams to have first-round byes. But there will be relegation as well, with the five teams going down that would have anyway. (These were JKK Kottila, HK Sosnogorsk, Dinamo Kirovo-Chepetsk, HK Kudymkar, and HK Berezniki)
    Because of these relegations, there will actually be a significant shift in the league's makeup for next season:
    (New teams in italics)
    NORTH
    Torpedo Murmansk
    Usovuoren JKK
    HK Pechora
    Zenit Arkhangel'sk
    HK Ukhta
    Dinamo-GPS Murmansk
    Spartak Severodvinsk
    HK Vuktyl
    WEST
    HK Syktyvkar
    HK Sikkivukarin Jokerit
    Severstal Cherepovets
    Viipurin Blues
    Trátyi HK
    Torpedo Vologda
    Spartak Yulser-Ola
    Dinamo Veliski
    EAST
    HK Sputnik Nizhny Tagil
    HK Serov
    HK Solikamsk
    Öskölömen JKK
    CSKA Yekaterinburg (moved from South)
    Alavartolan Jokerit (Nizhnevartovsk)
    Punaturjimen JKK
    Kudymkar Wheat Kings
    SOUTH
    CSKA Kirov
    MP Perm'
    HK Izhevsk
    HK Glazov
    HK Orlov (Division I Champions)
    HK Kungur
    Votan Salamat
    Zenit Mozhga
    As such, Division I will also expand. The lineup will be announced next Saturday.
  20. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Plesetsk Cosmodrome Nearing Completion
    MIRNYY - According to Reijo Muurinen, the refit of Plesetsk Cosmodrome should be complete in around two weeks.
    "All the equipment we need is now in the area," said the Uralican leader of the international team of TOOL specialists working on the Cosmodrome to replace outdated and occasionally inoperable equipment. "We got our last shipment from Fish Master two days ago. The real trick now is to get the stuff installed, but we have a lot of people working on it. I'm really thankful that the Uralicans on this job are getting the chance to receive training from nationalities who already have full and successful space programs, like Fish Master, Irlande, and evilkokonut. We may even have enough training to start our own official space agency by later in the year, although at first the Cosmodrome will be under the jurisdiction of the Uralican Air Force. Actually, we are already working on plans for our first space-faring rocket, although its duty will only be to transport a satellite."
    In the meantime, there is talk of merging Mirnyy into Plesetsk, for much the same reasons as Lesnoy is set to merge into Nizhnyaya Tura at the beginning of July. This move would nearly triple the size of Plesetsk, and mean that Mirnyy wouldn't have to worry about drafting a separate charter even though it is plenty large enough to apply for city status.
    "The whole 'closed town' thing has become something of a stigma in Uralica," Muurinen said. "I think Uralicans see it as a relic of the secretive, paranoid elements of two imperialistic societies - the USSR and Old Russia - as much as said societies would balk at the suggestion. I think some parts of the Old United States have some of the same sentiment. Anyway, it's only natural that the two should be merged because of their proximity and mutual dependence on each other."
    Uralican News
    Living's Easy In Pre-Summer Uralica
    CHEBOKSARY - It would seem the Uralican economy has been on a slow rise over the last three weeks, after having plateaued two weeks after the end of the so-called "Second Unjust War."
    According to Dr. Esa Miettinen, the Dean of Business at Uralikan Yliopisto, this is normal.
    "The leadup to summer always sees a gradual pickup in the economy," he says. "In Uralica, a nation where there are so many grade-school teachers, you have them planning for 'year-end fun stuff.' You have parents of these kids planning for summer vacations. You have parents of other nations' kids planning for summer vacations in Uralica. The largest market increases during the summer are in tourism and souvenirs, food sales, sporting goods, and video games. Yes, I did say video games. UralTek's strongest quarter since its foundation has always been quarter two, that is, May-June-July. (An aside, I picked myself up a copy of Demonslayers yesterday. That game is so much fun!)"
    For evidence of the impact of tourism on Uralica during the summer, one need only head towards any city with a beach or with something else fun to partake in. Take Cheboksary for example. As I report, the regionally-famous Cheboksarsky Zaliv (when one says "The Zaliv" in Uralica, they mean this artificial bay) is pretty much swarming with both tourists and locals wanting to partake in a little summer revelry, even with the temperatures only around 16 degrees Celsius.
    Syktyvkar is usually buzzing this time of year as well, and this year is not disappointing. Uralic Cultural Centre ticket sales are up by 52% over last quarter.
    Religion
    Theophilos II: Uralica Is "Abundantly Blessed"
    YEKATERINBURG - Theophilos II arrived in Yekaterinburg yesterday afternoon after holding a night service at the Cathedral Of St. Elizabeth in Pervouralsk on Sunday night.
    Apparently the nation has left a good impression on the aging Patriarch of Constantinople, as he had nothing but good to say about it from his time there. He has decided to extend his stay an extra three days so he can partake in an ecumenical service at the Church of the Resurrection, where he held an Orthodox service on the night of 30 May.
    "This nation is abundantly blessed, both in the works of the Lord's creation, and in the enrichment of the Holy Spirit," he said in a recent interview. "I am very glad to have been able to finally come to Uralica, and I have been treated with nothing but the love of Christ since I set foot in it."
    He says his last act in the nation, to come on Monday, 14 June, will be a gift to Uralica, from all the patriarchs.
    Sports
    Condensed Upper Level Standings Update Before Transfer Window Opens
    For full standings visit www.ujpl.com.ur (OOC: Kolmonen and Nelonen standings will be available later in the week upon request.)
    (13 matches played, 33 remain)
    Bolakliiga
    1. Sikkivukarin Palloseura (SiPS) - 39 points
    2. Dinamo Kirov - 39 points
    3. Zavod Ural Solikamsk - 33 points
    4. Telekom Pazhga - 33 points
    5. Dinamo Arkhangel'sk - 30 points
    6. Trátyi TK - 25 points
    7. Kirovin JK - 25 points
    8. Udmurtiya Izhevsk - 24 points
    9. Amkar Perm' - 23 points
    10. Transit Sosnogorsk - 18 points
    11. Mashinostroitel Kirov - 17 points
    12. Spartak Ukhta - 17 points
    13. Dinamo Vologda - 15 points
    14. FK Vorkuta - 14 points
    15. Metafraks Gubakha - 8 points
    16. CSKVC Kirov - 6 points
    17. FK Kotlas - 6 points
    18. FK Kirov - 4 points
    19. FK Syktyvkar - 3 points
    20. FK Inta - 3 points
    Ykkönen
    1. Mordovia Saransk - 39 points
    2. Ural Yekaterinburg - 36 points
    3. Öskölömen PK - 34 points
    4. Fortuna Nizhny Tagil - 31 points
    5. Usovuoren JK - 26 points
    6. Turan Ukhta - 26 points
    7. Pechorski SK - 24 points
    8. FK Ukhta - 21 points
    9. Spartak Yoshkar-Ola - 20 points
    10. Spartak Kirov - 18 points
    11. Krylja Uralikov Glazov - 17 points
    12. Bumazhnik Solikamsk - 17 points
    13. Isoustiukin PK - 16 points
    14. CSKA Syktyvkar - 12 points
    15. Khimik Koryazhma - 11 points
    16. Mashinostroitel Aleksandrovsk - 10 points
    17. Olimpia Kirovo-Chepetsk - 8 points
    18. FK Kudymkar - 5 points
    19. FK Berezniki - 4 points
    20. Lokomotiv Kotlas - 0 points
    Kakkonen West
    1. Sever Murmansk - 39 points
    2. Severstal FK Cherepovets - 39 points
    3. Mennonites FC Pazhga - 37 points
    4. Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola - 33 points
    5. Kirssin Palloseura (KiPS) - 33 points
    6. Sysola Syktyvkar - 28 points
    7. Magyar LK Tráty - 27 points
    8. Mashinostroitel Severodvinsk - 22 points
    9. Mari FK Yoshkar-Ola - 22 points
    10. Liv JK Käkisalmi - 18 points
    11. Mordvin FK Krasnoslobodsk - 15 points
    12. Komi FC Syktyvkar - 14 points
    13. CSKVC Syktyvkar - 12 points
    14. Sapmi FK Montsa - 11 points
    15. Eesti JK Vaahruše - 10 points
    16. Karjalan JK Viipuri - 10 points
    17. Veliski FK - 7 points
    18. JK Trakt - 6 points
    19. Sikkivukarin Suomalaisen Palloklubi (SSP Syktyvkar) - 0 points
    20. Arsenal Syktyvkar - 0 points
    Kakkonen East
    1. Khalmer-Yu Town - 39 points
    2. Energiya Chaykovsky - 31 points
    3. Rossia Krasnokamsk - 30 points
    4. Nenets FK Naryan-Mar - 30 points
    5. Octane Perm' - 29 points
    6. CSKA Vorkuta - 27 points
    7. Progress Inta - 26 points
    8. Russki FK Yekaterinburg - 23 points
    9. Obyugra FK Surgut - 21 points
    10. FK Yekaterinburg - 21 points
    11. CSKA Ukhta - 18 points
    12. Udmurt FK Izhevsk - 17 points
    13. Burevestnik Izhevsk - 17 points
    14. FK Naryan-Mar - 14 points
    15. FK Sarapul - 13 points
    16. FK Kungur - 10 points
    17. Pshenitsa Kudymkar - 6 points
    18. FK Bolak Ukhta - 3 points
    19. CSKVC Ukhta - 3 points
    20. Traktor Berezniki - 0 points
    Battle Of Syktyvkar In Kurri Trophy Finals
    SYKTYVKAR - at least there won't be any need for a plane.
    As expected, one goal determined the fate of the Jokerit Syktyvkar-CSKA Kirov series, and it was after four overtimes that Jokerit defenceman Timo Lappinen belted a flipped puck past a stunned Dmitry Rosenov to win Game 7 4-3, in the longest game in Uralican hockey history.
    Tired and dejected, CSKA return to Kirov and begin planning for next season, although with the season they had this season, they have clearly emerged as a fourth major power in the Uralican game.
    "They took us to the limit," said Jokerit forward Marko Suominen. "They play a very physical game, and we were unable to use our speed to beat them, so we had to grit down and bite the bullet. The series could have gone any which way, really. We could have just as easily been swept."
    Truer words could not have been spoken. Of the seven games, only one - Game 3, which ended a 3-2 win for Jokerit - didn't go to overtime, and the only reason it didn't was a goal by Risto Tuominen with 8 seconds left. And CSKA almost tied it with a second left, with left winger Vladimir Torbeyev hitting the crossbar with his team's net empty.
    One thing is for certain, and Torbeyev made that very clear in the interview - "We'll be back next season for sure."
    The finals are set to start on Thursday, and HK Syktyvkar, led by the UIHL's three-time scoring champ Matvey Kolpakov, the so-called "Mari Gretzky," say they are looking forward to facing their arch-rivals once again.
    "Whenever you get HKS and Jokerit together in the same rink," says Kolpakov, "you are guaranteed a good series. Although we would have likely also had a good series had we gotten CSKA as opponents as well."
    Jokerit star Markus Hansen says the key to beating HKS is to shut down their top line.
    "Kolpakov and the Schaeffers [Kurtis and Dirk] are scary good if you give them even a centimetre," he said. "The trick to beating HKS is shutting them down offensively, but it's an incredibly hard trick to pull off. We will try, that's for sure."
  21. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Uralican Aid Train Continues To Run
    VORKUTA - Ulrike Didriksen said she's never been busier in her life, but she has no trouble with that fact.
    In co-ordination with TOOL Hand of Finance PlanckBorn and Uralican Tribal Council finance specialists Esa Miettinen and Riita Perttunen, the 45-year-old Mennonite German has been making trips by air every few days from Pazhga Regional Airport to Vaido Kuik International Airport in Vorkuta (where the ERHDC Headquarters is) to co-ordinate the dissemination of money and supplies to needy TOOL nations, as long as the aforementioned PlanckBorn wants the funds directed there and not paying off TOOL's reparations debt.
    Earlier today, five more nations were sent an aid package at the maximum amount possible for Uralica, and these nations welcomed the aid with both delight and surprise.
    "It seems charity is the exception these days," the Kunnianmitali winner said in a recent interview. "But when Ovdey [shlomov] said he wanted Uralica to be a lender to the nations, everyone in the Council took him very seriously. We've made it a prerogative to give wherever there is need, and in the aftermath of a brutal war, which for some is still ongoing, there is plenty of need to go around. The Lord calls us to give unto all those who ask, but also to go the extra mile, which in the context of the Disaster Relief branch of the ERHDC, is offering money and supplies to those that haven't necessarily asked for it."
    Music
    Uralican Spending On Music Up
    CHAYKOVSKY - With the release of several new albums in the last month and a half, Uralican music sales are at their highest, according to Vaido Kuik.
    "The music industry is now Uralica's fourth-highest grossing economic sector," the Estonian said. "Only raw materials, heavy machinery, and hi-tech make more money. It's quite amazing that for a country not too well-known, our nation has been producing way more than its share of quality music. Of course, having some of the world's finest orchestras, and the world's best heavy Christian music kinda helps that!"
    Indeed it does. Pelastus' third studio album, "Hellfire's Bane," hasn't even been out for two weeks yet and it's already gone platinum. End of Sorrows' "Master Of The Sea" is the highest-grossing Christian album released in 2010 and in the top 10 for highest-grossing post-grunge albums.
    On top of this, tens of millions of classical music albums performed by Uralican symphonies have sold around the world in the last year. The highest-selling of these is "The Masterworks of Numminen," performed by the Uralican Symphony Orchestra. This comprises five discs of Uralican Sirkka Numminen's finest work.
    Sports
    ZavU A Legitimate Contender, Says Kostamo
    PERM' - SiPS manager Teppo Kostamo was in Perm' yesterday to catch the night match between Amkar Perm' and Zavod Ural Solikamsk, and he was surprised by what he saw from the club.
    "Zavod Ural are starting to find their consistency," he said. "I mean sure, they lost to Dinamo Kirov, but that was close until right at the end when [Khavkuk] Shlomov scored his hat-trick goal. But the way they played last night against Amkar was mind-blowing. I'm starting to wonder about these guys. They're legit contenders for hardware, no question about it."
    3-1 was the final score, on the heels of a 0-0 draw against Togashire the previous day in Siberian Trophy play. Fedor Poustovoitov scored twice for ZavU with the third goal coming from new addition Keijo Karjalainen, who replaced Miron Smertin in the 70th minute. Amkar's lone goal was from attacking mid Fadey Vinogrodov.
    Saturday's matches had rendered some surprising results. FK Vorkuta's Urve Maadu stunned Dinamo Vologda by scoring a stoppage-time winner off a corner from Filip Mendeleyev (the final score was 2-1), while an amazing corner-into-net goal by Diedrik Siemens helped Telekom Pazhga exact a 1-0 measure of revenge against Kirovin JK for their defeat to the same in the Kanslerinkilpi. FK Kotlas and FK Kirov both won their first of the season (although the latter came 3-2 against a plummeting FK Inta) and Dinamo Kirov won a "breathtaking" match against Udmurtiya Izhevsk, who have come to be a legitimate rival of theirs. Khavkuk Shlomov got a goal and assisted on the winner by Estonian super-sub Anu Ilves, while Feofan Skvortsov scored for the Udmurt side.
    Dinamo Arkhangel'sk maintains its goal-differential based lead, having blown its first three opponents out by a collective score of 16-2, having faced FK Inta (7-0), FK Vorkuta (4-2), and an injury-depleted Metafraks Gubakha (5-0). Their first real test should come against Telekom Pazhga on Saturday.
  22. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Tribal Council Condemns "Cowards," Sends NorsaLan Aid
    SYKTYVKAR - The nation of Germans' polite decline of an aid package left room open for Uralica to act decisively in an urgent TOOL situation. Two days ago, the nation of Philantia, of the "Black Water Military Contracting" micro-alliance, attacked the lower-level TOOL nation of NorsaLan, whose ruler is dhawk - best known in TOOL for his financial exploits.
    A furious Jarkko Salomäki decried the attacks as "cowardly," and was even more enraged when a BWMC representative contacted him to taunt him. [OOC: strictly RP. Didn't actually happen. ]
    However, their hands were tied until Taken, the decidedly German ruler of the obvious-named nation, decided to decline a portion of aid Uralica had sent him.
    Early this morning, Salomäki called a snap meeting of the Uralican Tribal Council, where a motion to send money and troops to Norsalan was put forward immediately by the Chief, seconded by Swedish Saami Gustaf Nordlund, and passed unanimously. Troops from the Unified Saami Division are now en-route to NorsaLan to abet the defence of the Norse-ethnic nation.
    Salomäki echoed the ominous words of TOOL military leader Dodoei123 with his post-meeting interview.
    "How much more clearcut can this get? It's a simple case of a cowardly rogue nation attacking a target that it thinks is too low for its alliance to defend. Well news flash, buddy - we have TOOL nations lining up to get a piece of you. And mark my words, if his buddies join in on a counterattack should we decide to defend our member, it WILL get ugly."
    When asked by a foreign reporter if he thought the BWMC was in anyway connected to the Blackwater training regime of the Order of the Black Rose, he laughed for about two minutes, then had this to say.
    "No way in hell. The OBR is far too honourable for such a transgression. Matter of fact I would have the entire Black Water Military Contracting alliance taught a lesson for besmirching the good name of Blackwater, but they have not attacked us... yet. I'm not holding out hope that they will see the fact that their leader is completely in the wrong, though."
    Sports
    ZavU Out, TvinkiZavod In
    It isn't often that a team playing in the fourth level of its nation's league system is invited to play international football, but for Kolmonen F (Permski Rayon) side TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, it's a double dose of "special case."
    First of all, Prince Mishka (also called Tyga) insisted the team replace Zavod Ural Solikamsk when the Silvers decided to leave the league due to wanting better domestic timing, because of their association with the Twinkie-production industry in Uralica. 70% of Uralican Twinkies are exported to Tygaland.
    However, they wouldn't have been invited if not for a sizzling performance in the Uralican domestic cup, the Kanslerinkilpi. Originally slated to play in the Nelonen F2 (Southern Permski Rayon, one level below the Kolmonen F), they were bumped up a division after going all the way to the Round of 16, and in the process eliminating Ykkönen team Spartak Yoshkar-Ola and Kakkonen team Octane Perm', and also giving high-rated Bolakliiga team Amkar Perm' a scare on the way out.
    This season in the Kolmonen thus far, there is no question they should be in a higher league, having scored 41 goals in 7 matches played (one goal shy of an even six per match) and allowed none.
    Manager Yosif Makarin was very excited to be participating.
    "It is a tremendous honour to be given the chance to prove ourselves internationally even when we are at such a low level of the domestic system. We have heard many stories from Solikamsk about the teams in this league, and are anxious to start playing. We think we can actually be somewhat competitive."
    Season In Review - UJPL Upper Levels
    Bolakliiga
    Well, the usual suspects are dominating the league - Sikkivukarin Palloseura and Dinamo Kirov - but I'm a bit disappointed by Udmurtia Izhevsk. After finishing last season second, they've gotten off to less of an impactful start than they were expected to, going 5-0-2. Now to be fair to them, they have played good football, but they weren't expected to lose against Zavod Ural Solikamsk. Then again, half the league wasn't. It seems the predictions of a ZavU breakout season from some pundits weren't so far-fetched after all. Considering that their only loss has come against Dinamo Kirov, it'd suffice to say that ZavU is impressing people early on. So too are newcomers Trátyi TK, who blew through the Ykkönen last season and have only lost twice in seven matches so far this season, against SiPS, and a third up-and-comer. I suppose in this one's case, we should call them an up-and-returner, since they finished fourth in the inaugural Bolakliiga season but a disappointing tenth last season. Yes, I'm talking about Telekom Pazhga, the Mennonite team with arguable the most talented Mennonite footballer on the planet in double-footed flanking mid Diedrik Siemens.
    With all this season's surprises, there are also a few disappointments. Right now, CSKVC Kirov, who gutted out promotion with an extra-time playoff win last season, is set to go right back down the other way, the only promoted team from last season that can claim that at this point. Metafraks Gubakha FINALLY won their first match of the season last Saturday, in a season that has been marred by injuries. Furthermore, Mashinostroitel Kirov, Kirovin JK, and Spartak Ukhta are having lacklustre seasons, especially KJK, who after making it to the finals of the Kanslerinkilpi, has three wins and four losses to start the season.
    Of course, a league wouldn't be a league without its minnows, and luck seems to have run out for both FK Syktyvkar and FK Inta, neither of whom have won a match this season. The latter has improved a little bit since sending giveaway king Moroz Rybin down to the Nelonen-based reserves in favour of an up-and-coming Lanssi Möttölä, who has done decently in the matches he's played. However, neither team has much hope of staying up unless one of them can swing a deal in the transfer window to get coveted Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola goalkeeper Csaba Szalay, who many people say is going to be moved for a hefty price come summer due to the demand for him. (Most teams in the league's lower half are interested.)
    Ykkönen
    As with the B-Liiga, the Ykkönen is looking like a two-club show at the moment. Mordovia Saransk and Ural Yekaterinburg, both teams that had success in the old Russian system (Ural was Ural Sverdlovsk Oblast back then), are first and second at the moment, both having won all seven matches thus far. Also of note is Öskölömen Palloklubi, the poor souls that CSKVC Kirov beat last season to advance to the B-Liiga. They have yet to lose, although they did lose points against Krylja Uralikov in their opening match in a 3-3 draw. Fortuna Nizhny Tagil and Pechorski Sportklub are also playing well.
    Then comes a large points dropoff. Even this early, it is looking like a dogfight for the last promotion playoff spot, with Turan Ukhta and Spartak Kirov leading the way. The highest relegated team, FK Ukhta, isn't too far behind. Actually, the relegated teams from Bolakliiga this season are looking better than those who voluntarily went down to the Kakkonen. Spartak Yoshkar-Ola have started to turn their luck around. Only Lokomotiv Kotlas - who have been nothing short of pathetic this season - has really struggled. But with the new promotion-relegation system that just got voted in by the Ykkönen and Kakkonen teams, it will be the bottom four going under, and it's gonna be very close.
    Kakkonen West
    Obviously the promotion-relegation system has its effects on this level as well. Instead of having the best second-place teams play each other, each half of the Kakkonen now has a British-style playoff with the second, third, fourth, and fifth place teams playing two rounds to see who joins first place.
    Speaking of first place, oh man, it's gonna be an epic battle for that, between Sever Murmansk and Severstal Cherepovets, neither of whom are giving their opposition an inch this season. Mennonites FC from Pazhga could also sneak in, but currently sit two back, having lost points in a 2-2 draw against Sysola Syktyvkar, who sit a little further back. Stolitsa Yoshkar-Ola has only lost once this season, and at that only by a score of 1-0 against Sever Murmansk. However, with so many Bolakliiga eyes on their Hungarian goalkeeper, Csaba Szalay, it may not be long before we start seeing them drop off a little.
    There seems to be a clear line in this league between who is looking well and who is not, with only Mari FK not being sure where they stand. There are a couple of teams from the Nation's Capital that really need to smarten up, though - neither Arsenal nor SSP has registered a point yet. Veliski FK also has yet to win.
    Kakkonen East
    Ever heard those stories of a small-town team that did something big? Well, Khalmer-Yu Town has presented one of those that Uralica can call its very own. The town of Khalmer-Yu, even with the recent population growth, is only 4000 people strong, and yet this club is having its way with the Kakkonen East. It will be interesting to see what happens when it meets up with Energiya Chaykovsky, though. Even though TvinkiZavod is the flavour-of-the-week team there because of their participation in Siberian Trophy, Energiya is also a solid squad that has yet to lose this season. The next eight teams in the table - Progress Inta, Nenets FK, Obyugra FK, Octane Perm', Burevestnik Izhevsk, Russki FK, Rossia Krasnokamsk, and CSKA Vorkuta - look geared up for a playoff dogfight.
    The other end is looking a bit sparse at the moment though, with Pshenitsa Kudymkar, Traktor Berezniki, and CSKVC Ukhta all really struggling, having lost all seven matches thus far. FK Bolak and FK Kungur aren't looking too hot, either.
    Well, that's it for now. Next week will feature the eight-division Kolmonen, including TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky, Sheksna Cherepovets, Sokol Sernur, SpVgg Ubb, and many more!
    Kurri Cup Scores
    (1) HK Syktyvkar 3 (9) HK Severstal 2 (HK Syktyvkar leads 2-0)
    (2) HK Sputnik 1 (7) Usovuoren JKK 3 (Series tied 1-1)
    (3) CSKA Kirov 4 (6) HK Serov 2 (CSKA leads 2-0)
    (4) Torpedo Murmansk 1 (5) HK Jokerit 4 (Jokerit leads 2-0)
    Next games on Thursday.
    Tour D'Ouralique Expanded
    With the growth of Uralica comes an expansion of its annual cycle road race, the Tour D'Ouralique. And no longer do commuters have to be slowed down by the race, as there is finally a numbered highway that runs between Punaturjin and Berezniki, near the end of the race. The expansion and straightening-out of the once treacherous road between Kytlym, East Uralica, and Jaiva, Permski Rayon, has opened up the opportunity to add length, and challenge, to the race. To that end, the Tour d'Ouralique no longer runs to Serov, instead turning north at Karpinsk and following Highway 6 to Yugrakar, the new end-point of the race.
  23. Uralica
    (OOC: Sorry, late again.)
    Top Stories
    Surprising March Blizzard Hits Mordoviya
    SARANSK - Snow is nothing new to anyone in Uralica. From October to February, in fact, it's very much expected. Even in March, the odd bit of snow is expected. However, with temperatures dipping below the average lows for March, Mordovia and parts of Chuvashia got hit with a barrage of snow and cold winds last night, leaving most of the residents in the area staying indoors.
    In some places, most notably Orozai, power was knocked out for parts of the day, which was not the most thrilling prospect on this particular day, the day the Kanslerinkilpi football final was to be played between SiPS and Kirovin JK. However, with the winds dying down by 5PM, workers were able to get some semblance of power going again, at least in some places. Some desperate footie fans hopped in their vehicles and braved the icy roads to watch the game in restaurants in the larger centres. No fatalities were reported from any accidents, although several accidents did occur on Highway UH-27, the Mordoviya Freeway, which runs through most of Mordoviya's major centres.
    Saransk was more prepared for the weather, and reported very few power outages, most of which stemmed from a blown transformer in the northern suburbs.
    Jarkko Salomäki Resigns As TOOL Inquisitor
    SYKTYVKAR - With thomas20 and Caenwulf having stepped up to the reins, Jarkko Salomäki finally was able to make good on his promise to withdraw from TOOL government to focus on domestic governance and organising the transportation of aid to both TOOL nations needing help rebuilding and Spartans, Archeinists, and Nemetics who require reparations.
    He made this official in a press conference yesterday, stating that it was a huge weight off his shoulders.
    "I was thoroughly honoured to be a part of this," he said. "But I'd been looking to step out of office since January since it was just getting to be too much. I need to focus more on the needs of Uralicans and TOOLies, and I just can't do that when I'm having to deal with international military issues all the time. This resignation represents a huge weight being lifted off me. And it also takes some of the pressure off Vaido [Kuik], Ovdey [shlomov], and Matvey [Kolpakov], who were running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to make sure everything got handled. I love you guys!"
    Sports
    Seventh Seed Stretches SiPS, But Still Loses
    SYKTYVKAR - One goal was all it took.
    After one hundred thirteen minutes of scoreless play, Hessu Öörni scored what had to be the biggest goal of his career, taking the rebound of a Tauno Jäkälä shot that hit the post and burying it in the top left corner of the goal, to win SiPS their second consecutive Kanslerinkilpi in a dramatic extra time finish.
    The effort came after Immo Kivilahti, the goalkeeper for Kirovin JK, made a magnificent fingertip save on a Joni Rasimus strike, sailing from left post to right post to parry the shot.
    This isn't to say that his opposite number didn't face some challenging shots either.
    "There's no question now who the best two goalkeepers in Uralica are," said UPL president Attila Farkas. "[Mattias] Hammevik faced fourteen shots and stopped them all. Kivilahti faced nineteen shots and stopped eighteen, and there was no way he could have had that last one."
    Although Kivilahti was "inconsolable" after the match, he did tearfully accept the Kanslerinkilpi MVP trophy.
    "He could easily be my superior," said Mattias Hammevik, respectfully. "I mean, I did face some hard shots, but that save he made on Joni [Rasimus]? I couldn't have done that. No way."
    Hessu Öörni received the Goal Of The Tournament award, with Kivilahti also being named Best Goalkeeper. Petteri Vahalahti won Best Defender, Joni Rasimus took Best Forward, and Raimo Suominen took Best Midfielder.
    The tournament all-star team was as follows:
    GK: Immo Kivilahti (KJK)
    LB: Jarkko Salomäki (SiPS)
    RB: Petteri Vahalahti (SiPS)
    CB: Indrek Lepp (KJK)
    CB: Pekka Valamäki (Dinamo Kirov)
    LM: Hessu Öörni (SiPS)
    RM: Jukka Tenhola (SiPS)
    CM: Raimo Suominen (SiPS)
    AM: Tuukka Lehtonen (KJK)
    ST: Joni Rasimus (SiPS)
    ST: Khavkuk Shlomov (Dinamo Kirov)
    Bench:
    GK: Mattias Hammevik (SiPS)
    CB/LB: Lev Lebezyatnikov (Dinamo Arkhangel'sk)
    CB: Sergey Parfenov (Amkar Perm')
    RM: Vaido Järvi (Dinamo Kirov)
    AM: Hárkany Molnár (Trátyi TK)
    ST: Tapani Karjalainen (KJK)
    ST: Miron Smertin (ZavU)
    Tourism
    Multicultural Syktyvkar Offers Something For Everyone
    Gordon Dirk, TOOL Tourism
    If there's one city that could best be described as a microcosm of the nation of Uralica, it is Syktyvkar, Uralica's capital and fastest-growing city (if one doesn't count the antidiasporic return of over a million people to Perm'). Located at the confluence of the Sysola River (In Komi it is the Syktyv River, from which the city derives its name) and the Vychegda River, Syktyvkar is currently Uralica's fifth-largest city - having just surpassed Cheboksary - and part of the fifth-largest urban area, which also includes the predominantly Mennonite city of Pazhga to the south.
    The city is actually a merger of three municipal bodies - the old city of Syktyvkar, the nearby large town of Vilgort (which formerly served as the seat of Syktyvda District), and the subordinate town of Ezhva. It is growing at an amazing pace as well. Even in the pre-Robertian era, the largest the city ever got was around two hundred fifty thousand people, but with it being a centre of the Uralicist Movement and a beacon to artists, activists, and miners alike, the city has more than tripled that number, having absorbed several previously unincorporated hamlets as boroughs in the process.
    In spite of its large population, it is one of the most pleasant cities to live in or visit in all of Uralica, a fact made sure of by the Syktyvkar Unitary Authority Board, which runs the city in its entirety as well as the subordinate town of Yazel', at which one can find Kaido Ojastu International Airport.
    There is plenty to see and do in Uralica. One can go into the downtown core, where there are many little arts and crafts shops and ethnic restaurants to be found, plus malls and shops for everything that is available in Uralica. Among these is, surprisingly, the Uralican World Trade Centre, including Uralica's tallest building, the Vaido Kuik Tower, whose bottom four floors comprise the largest department store branch of any kind in the Former Soviet Union. I went shopping once at this branch of Kupriyanov's (Kupriyanov's is a subsidiary of the ubiquitous Bolak Corp., that specialises in department stores) and to go through the whole thing would require several trips.
    On the east side of the Vychegda's first pass through the city is something no one should leave Syktyvkar without seeing - the Uralic Cultural Centre. Uralica has this thing about multi-art galleries and museums, and Syktyvkar's tops them all; one can peruse folk and modern art from all of Uralica's constituent cultures, sample some ethnic food, take classes in various things (I tried to learn how to make my own kantele and failed miserably the first couple times), catch a few Uralican films (for a nation without a proper movie industry, they sure can capture the imagination), and even go to church! Yes, there are four churches - a Uralican Evangelical Baptist church, a Uralican Orthodox church, a Uralican Catholic church, and a Mennonite church, all regularly attended by at least a hundred fifty people, on the premises.
    If your inclination is towards music, I would recommend the Filharmonia to anyone. Now I'm no metalhead, but I hear there's this really good metal band called Pelastus that plays there sporadically and brings the house down every time. I'm more a classical music lover myself, and in this nation where music and musical training are national pastimes, it doesn't get any better or more creative than the Uralican Symphony Orchestra in a sold-out Filharmonia. I popped in to listen to them performing the masterworks of Tchaikovsky, who was actually born in what is now Uralica and is something of a national hero. And let me tell you, I never thought listening to Marche Slave with a four-piece metal band included would be so invigorating! I still have the finale stuck in my head!
    One of the best universities in the Former Soviet Union is Uralikan Yliopisto, which seems to be getting bigger every time I visit the city! One can actually pay a few bucks to get in to see the talented UY Symphony Orchestra cut their trade, or to listen to an open lecture on everything from things concerning Uralica's history to the masterworks of Sirkka Numminen, the legendary Uralican composer who is called "The Female Mozart" because of her prolific music-writing, to various languages of Uralica.
    Finally, there's something for the sports nut as well. Syktyvkar Stadion is an amazing environment for football (soccer for you North Americans), while the Syktyvkar Sportsplex in Vilgort borough houses Syktyvkar's ice hockey, bandy, basketball, handball, and rugby teams. They also have a large tennis club, which is open to the public from April through mid-October, except when there are tournaments on, and these dates are always posted.
    On top of this, there is an Olympic sports park in the eastern borough of Krasnozatonsky, where almost all individual Summer Olympic sports, as well as speed skating, figure skating, and in the winter, half-pipe snowboarding, are practiced. And there is Parchezhsky Park in the northernmost borough of Syktyvkar, Parcheg, where cross-country skiing and biathlon can be partaken in. Sometimes one can even catch the nation's ruler, Jarkko Salomäki, hitting the track here!
    Speaking of Jarkko, behind his 1-hectare estate in the Nizhny Chov borough, is a 100-hectare national park devoted to the Uralican national bird, the Eurasian Eagle-Owl:

    Huuhkaja National Park is a place where one can go to learn about Syktyvkar's local feathered friends, especially this magnificent bird, which has a range almost completely covering Uralica.
    The residents love to have visitors, and the city has been given a very high grade in the hospitality department, even by Uralica's sky-high hospitality standards. Don't know any of the languages spoken in Uralica? No problem. There are government-paid translators available at any of Uralica's numerous tourism departments, and a map to these is available at Kaido Ojastu International Airport (if you enter by air) or the three Syktyvkar Welcome Portals (if you enter by road) which are located in Ubshor, Yazel', and Krasnozatonsky boroughs.
    So what are you waiting for? Come visit!
  24. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Uralican Dot-Com Stocks Explode
    YEKATERINBURG - Just three days after Uralica got its first home-based internet servers, Uralican "dot-com" companies are already making waves in the Uralican stock market. UMSX reports that the largest jumps on the market at yesterday's close were UralTek, Uralika Telekom, ChristWeb, Techheadz, and Tsunami, all internet service providers (with the first two also providing service in other areas such as mobile and landline services).
    To avoid any confusion as far as government sites were concerned, the movement of government sites to the new high-speed servers from secure out-of-country servers within the CCC (which will Uralica $34.95 per 100 gigabytes bandwidth per month) was not done all at once, but in waves. There was an unfortunate server glitch with www.arkhsev.unau.gov, the website of the Arkhangel'sk-Severodvinsk Unitary Authority, which caused some trouble with the move, however, the runner of the site, Mr. Ilya Serebrennikov, made the smart move of backing everything up offline before trying to move the site directly, so the site was re-uploaded within the day.
    In the meantime, Dr. Esa Miettinen, Dean of Business and Chair of the Department of Economics at Uralikan Yliopisto, says he expects internet business to continue to surge for the next three or four months, and that this growth may push UralTek past Bolak Corp. as Uralica's most valuable company in terms of K$ value. He does point out, however, that Bolak's position within Uralica as a major employer will keep them close to the top if not on top for a "very long time."
    Uralican News
    Recent War Has Uralicans Thinking
    SYKTYVKAR - in a recent poll done on the war involving Polaris and \m/, it seems Uralicans are pondering war more frequently.
    Naturally, as an ex-CCC nation whose armed forces were taught largely by Polar officials, including Kunnianmitali winner KingRich, the vast majority of the people were in favour of Polaris' reasons (83.48%) and those not in favour voted "Get back to me on that," which accounts to an abstention.
    However, the nation is also concerned about the safety of civilians in this time of battle, and 95.79% of Uralican citizens said that they have been more pensive about war in general, and 94% said they would be in favour of expanding the ERHDC (Emergency Relief and Human Development Corps) to assist civilians of more friendly and enemy nations during wartime.
    Sports
    Malakhov Mops Up On Ski Tracks
    CHEREPOVETS - Dmitry Malakhov was a force to be reckon with on the cross-country tracks in Murmansk last week, winning five individual events and being part of four further winning team events in the Uralican Nordic Skiing Championships.
    This was spread out between the cross-country and biathlon events.
    INDIVIDUAL
    *30 km pursuit
    *15 km classical
    *individual pursuit
    *20 km Individual Biathlon
    *12.5 km Biathlon Pursuit
    TEAM
    *Combined pursuit (he did the 15km section, Tauno Ristonen did the 10km section)
    *Mixed Team Sprint (with wife Yevgeniya Malakhova)
    *4X10km Relay
    *4X7.5km Biathlon Relay
    (OOC: times will come later.)
    Already in Cherepovets, he has also won the 15km classical, however he came in second in the individual pursuit to Daniil Filipov.
    Successful Nelonen Integration Means Larger 'Kilpi - Farkas
    SYKTYVKAR - The Kanslerinkilpi will have two more rounds than Uralikan Palloliitto president Attila Farkas initially expected. These will take place in Uralica's retractable-roof stadiums starting in February, with the draw for the cup's qualifying round to take place on Saturday, according to the same in an interview yesterday.
    "The incorporation of the Nelonen into the Liiga system has been so successful that these teams are ready to jump right in and play their first matches this season," Farkas said. "So we will include them in the Kanslerinkilpi this season, and re-do the qualifying round draw. All reserve teams and certain other teams will be included in a 288-team draw, which is necessary to whittle the number down from 656 to 512. Since the Nelonen has 384 teams, 96 teams - that is, six from each regional division - will be exempted from this draw and be permitted to start right in the first round proper. These teams will be picked soon."
    These exempt teams were picked today before press time.
    From Division A1 (Karelia): Dinamo Kostomuksha, Louhin Salamat, Rapid Sorokka, Spartak Aunus, Spartak Lahdenpohju, Zheleznik Segezha
    From Division A2 (Sapmi): Dynamo Hiipinä, Montsan Palloklubi 2010, Rapid Kuálõk, Sapmi Käddluhtt, Spartak Kovdor, Zenit Polyarny
    From Division B1 (Western Uralica): Dinamo Kharovsk, Nikol Nikolsk, Spartak Krasavino, Sporting Kimcheng, Totimaa Blues, Vychegda Irta
    From Division B2 (Northwestern Uralica): Byelomorye Mezen, FK Tsiglomen', Mirnyy SK, Promyshlennik Isagorka, Spartak Kargopol, Yagry FK
    From Division C1 (Southern Uralica): Dinamo Lashma, FK Torpoi, FK Vurnary, Torpedo Shumerlya, Torpedo Yavas, Zheleznik Insar
    From Division C2 (Mari El): FK Ilet', FK Morki, FK Torjal, FK Turek, Lokomotiv Paranga, Sokol Medvedevo
    From Divison D1 (Kirovski Rayon): Dinamo Käkshär, FK Sosnovka, FK Strizhi, Gornyak Belaya Kholunitsa, Transit Omutninsk, Transit Ürzhüm
    From Division D2 (Komi-Menno): Dinamit Ezhva, FK Mikun, FK Yarega, Kortkeros Town, Northbank United, Torpedo Aykino
    From Division E1 (Udmurtiya North): Fakel Town, FK Karsovay, FK Kilmez, FK Yashkur-Bodya, FK Zura, Novyy Town
    From Division E2 (Udmurtiya South): Dinamo Oktyabrsky, FK Grakhovo, FK Nylga, Neftçi Ägerce, Torpedo Kiyasovo, Uva Hotspur
    From Division F1 (Permski Rayon North): FK Krasnovishersk, FK Rodniki, Kama Usolye, Torpedo Gremyachinsk, Velocitas Dobryanka, Zavod Gornozavodsk
    From Division F2 (Permski Rayon South): FK Barda, FK Kukushtan, FK Kuyeda, FK Suksin, Metallurg Osa, UB Chernushka
    From Division G1 (Southeast Uralica East/Yekaterinburg): Asbest City, Fakel-Log United, FK Tugulym, Luch Zarechnyy, Transit Talitsa, Tura Turinsk
    From Division G2 (Southeast Uralica West/Nizhny Tagil): FK Arti, FK Polevskoy, FK Sysert, FK Verkhny Tagil, Spartak Degtyarsk, Torpedo Novouralsk
    From Division H1 (Ural West Slope): Dinamo Usinsk, FK Severouralsk, Neftekhimik Parma, Spartak Serov, Sporting Volchansk, Troitsko-Pechorskye Lesniki
    From Division H2 (Yamalia/Yugra): Bumazhnik Pyt-Yakh, FK Langepas, Lyantor Town, Mansi SKFK (Nyagan), Spartak Urai, SPKFK Salyakharad
    Preliminary draw will be done Saturday, followed by the main draw on Monday.
    Tourism
    Uralica Lauded For Being "Most Tourist-Friendly Nation In TOOL"
    SYKTYVKAR - you can bet that the Uralican Tourism Board all had smiles on their faces this morning. Yesterday, TOOL Tourism dubbed their nation the "most tourist-friendly" in that alliance.
    "It's really a great honour," said Jarkko Salomäki. "It also shows we've been doing the right things in the tourism sector and in general. The people here try to treat all foreigners with the same respect that they'd treat fellow Uralicans with, plus if you speak a major language of the world, there's a pretty good chance there's someone in the country that can translate stuff for you."
    There are a few reasons Uralica got this prize from TOOL Tourism.
    "First of all, there are so many things to see and do in Uralica, to list them would take thousands of pages of documentation," said the head of the TOOL Tourism board. "They've made a point of making sure that the older architecture that remains is kept up well, plus there are the newer buildings like the Kuik Tower at the Uralican World Trade Centre, the Kirovski Bashnya, the USMX building in Yekaterinburg, and Bolak Terminal at Kirov International Airport. The people are friendly and like to get you involved in their activities, especially where music is concerned. They have TOOL's best soccer league system. They have TOOL's best Olympic handball league system. They have TOOL's only single-nation Nordic Skiing tour. And some of the music bands and symphony orchestras there would blow your mind.
    Second, their hospitality industry is amazing, and because hotels are subsidised in the country, they can offer lower prices for all hotels. Their 5-star and 4-star hotels are among the cheapest I've ever seen. It'll still set you back a fair bit, but it's maybe half of what I've seen in some nations.
    I've heard from footy fans from both TOOL and other alliances that some hotels in the big soccer cities, like Syktyvkar, Y-Burg, Kirov, or Arkhangel'sk, offer free shuttle service to games.
    Finally, the country has a lot of natural beauty to it, especially in the north and east of the nation. I was taken on a tour to the Virgin Komi Forests, and I was just in awe. I would recommend to any nature lover to go there, or at least up in Western Yugra where they have some superb national parks and nature preserves."
    When asked what cities he would recommend visiting, he gave us a top ten.
    "Okay, most large Uralican cities and a fair few of the smaller ones have something to do, but there are ten cities that you gotta go see.
    1. Syktyvkar - the city just drips with culture. What isn't there to see in the nation's capital?
    2. Viipuri - for you Finns, Estonians, and Russians, this one would be very convenient because it's right there. It's got so much Neo-Classical architecture that you won't know where to start scoping it all out.
    3. Yekaterinburg - Uralica's largest and most modern city. They've done with it like they've done with Kirov, except Y-Burg is bigger, so it has more stuff to scope out.
    4. Kirov - You arrive in this city and it's like stepping into something out of a science fiction movie or a futuristic video game. The industry there is some of the cleanest and most hi-tech stuff you'll ever see in a country like this. Plus the Kirov Square and the symphony orchestra alone are worth it.
    5. Naryan-Mar - it might seem daunting to people who don't like the cold, but trust me, it's worth it. The Pechora Delta and the Polar Bear Tours are definitely worth the long trip.
    6. Perm' - it's amazing what the Uralicans did with this city. It was analagous to turning a rotting corpse into the most beautiful person on the planet. The city was actually nearly abandoned after Great War III, but a project with literally half of Uralica working on it restored it to its former glory.
    7. Hiipinä - If you like to ski, this city is for you. It offers every type of skiing imaginable.
    8. Cheboksary - Ever been to The Zaliv? You should go in the summertime. It's really a great place to hang out, suntan, mingle, play a little frisbee or volleyball... it's a summer nut's paradise!
    9. Chaykovsky - Beaches and Twinkies. 'Nuff said.
    10. Nizhny Tagil - This city is called the "Technology Capital Of Uralica" for good reason - a lot of neat stuff is made here. UralTek Games HQ, though, is where the fun really is. If you're in Uralica and you're a hardcore gamer, visit Nizhny Tagil. You'll have a blast!"
  25. Uralica
    Top Stories
    Disaster Relief Agency Opens Doors
    VORKUTA - A tape-cutting ceremony was held in front of the head office of Uralica's recently-finished Disaster Relief Agency yesterday in Vorkuta. Unlike other branches of the ERHDC, this will focus solely on the transportation of money and supplies to nations that need them most.
    Most of the "Founding Fathers and Mothers" were on hand to witness this occasion, with ERHDC head and Kunnianmitali winner Ulrike Didriksen on hand to cut the tape.
    "It's really a great step for Uralica, that we can finally give to the maximum of our nation's potential," said long-time Uralicist Vaido Kuik. "I'm looking forward to working with this new Disaster Relief Agency as a liaison from the government, and I think it kind of fitting that the headquarters is in Vorkuta, given how its more recent history has been that of a haven city for the oppressed."
    Kungur Selected To Replace Krasnokamsk
    KRASNOKAMSK - Well, the wait is over.
    Ever since Krasnokamsk municipal authorities put forward the request to have the Permski Rayon county seat location moved elsewhere, everyone from Krasnokamskis to foreign political pundits have been speculating as to where the new seat might be. On Saturday, a vote was held in the halls of the County Board of Permski Rayon, and out of 37 voters (one was ill and couldn't make it), 29 voted for Kungur, one voted for Chernushka, and six obstained.
    What does this mean? It means that in the nine weeks, there will be a systematic moving of bureaucracy from Krasnokamsk to Kungur, which will officially take its place as Permski Rayon's new county seat on 1 April.
    According to Permski Rayon county president Mikhail Bulykin, this won't really affect Krasnokamsk that much since many of the county authorities worked in nearby Perm' anyway, but it will create more jobs in Kungur, and the central location and junction-city status of Kungur will make it easier to access for a great many people.
    Red Tape Begone!
    PAZHGA - In a move that some pundits said was long overdue, the fourteen Mennonite Tribe members of the Uralican Tribal Council made a motion in a meeting of the Council on Saturday to begin talks between the County Boards of Komiland and Mennoland with regards to a merger of the latter into the former, which would keep its name.
    Alexander Zyrianov, one of the Komi Tribe's longest-serving members, said that pragmatism was the sole reason behind it.
    "I was first approached by [Mennonite Tribe Council Member] Jan Merk about this issue back in October of '09," he said, "and I had to ask him why the Mennonites wanted to give up a separate homeland. He said it was kind of silly to have such a small area tied down by unnecessary red tape, because most counties are of the size that they actually need that kind of level of organisation. After thinking about it for a while, I came back to him and asked him if he'd consider proposing the idea of a merge to the County Board of Mennoland. After all, Mennoland was made out of a former district of the Komi Republic and is almost completely surrounded by Komiland. He said that would be the most pragmatic approach, so he took it to the Board, and it took a while to debate the pros and cons, but when it became apparent to the Mennoland County Board that the pros outweighed the cons and then some, they went to Jan, who brought first to me, then to Jarkko [salomäki] and Vaido [Kuik], and finally to the Komiland County Board in Emva. We did have to go through the Council before officially starting talks, but nobody had any issues with it. It was a hand-vote issue, really, and the vote was unanimous for those who did vote. Those who didn't weren't really paying any attention, and they said so to Jan and myself after the meeting was over."
    Even if talks move quickly, it is not expected the merge will happen until at least 1 April 2010.
    Music
    Enemy's Enemy Rocking Out In War-Torn Earthly Heaven
    SAINT CLOUD, EARTHLY HEAVEN - Uralica's favourite Jewish band is conveying a message of hope and faith in TOOL's best-known Jewish nation, Earthly Heaven. In spite of the bombs pounding the nation, an armoured convoy of planes brought the daring trio to Saint Cloud on Saturday, where they performed a free concert alongside other Jewish bands from its side of the current conflict.
    "It was pretty intense," said vocalist Ravil Aryelovich Yeliseyev (Raphael bar Ariel). "We had to keep sidearms on us - the MPD [Mindphaser Division] gave us automatic weapons to use in case enemy soldiers tried to crash the concert, but it was surprisingly tame down there compared to what was going on in other parts of the city. God is merciful, what can I say? But the fans were still there in full force ready to rock out, and we had a jolly ol' time."
    Fans of Jewish-oriented mainstream and alternative music were said to have "absolutely loved" Enemy's Enemy's hard-hitting EBM sound.
    "This is what music is all about," said keyboardist/programmer Akim Abramovich Mendeleyev (Joachim bar Avraham). "It's about having fun and giving people a legit buzz in the process."
    The band returned to Uralica Sunday night.
    Sports
    "Rushed" ZavU Wins Two Matches In The Same 24 Hours
    SOLIKAMSK - At the end of their Kanslerinkilpi match against Sever Murmansk Tuesday night, Zavod Ural Solikamsk were tired as could be, having needed to have used all three subs for fatigue reasons. The reason for this can be factored down to the UJPL's decision to move this week's midweek 'Kilpi matches to Tuesday, which unfortunately happened to coincide with ZavU's second Siberian Trophy match.
    But amazingly, they won both matches.
    Not only did they beat Sever Murmansk 3-1 to advance to the round of 16 of the Kanslerinkilpi, but they had earlier turned over a shock 2-0 win against Condatis Town of the Siberian Trophy.
    "Here's what we had to do," said manager Dmitry Makarov. "We had to play Condatis at home, then after the match turn right around, hop on a plane to Murmansk and play Sever that night. We left right away so that the guys could have a bit of a nap before they played again. It seems to have worked, but when you're rushed like that, you can't help being tired."
    They were forced to use different tactics as well, as they lost striker Nikolay Tomashov to a cheap challenge from Condatis centre back Chelsey Neaves, which almost drove team captain Bosko Levishin to engage him in fisticuffs.
    "I was at pains to control my temper after that," he said of the incident. "And really, Neaves shoulda been sent off for that. But whatever, it just made us play harder from being mad and all."
    Defender Ervo Hirvesoo took a retaliatory yellow late in the match.
    They came at Sever with a 4-4-2 formation and sat out forward Miron Smertin for fatigue reasons, instead going with Fedor Poustovoitov and slightly disgruntled forward Aleksey Alborov, who recently submitted a transfer request. In midfield were Kupriyanov, Fedin, Stalin (who would later get the captain's armband when Levishin was swapped out) and Zakharchuk, with the same starting four as the Condatis game - Levishin, Feofilakt Chumakov, Ervo Hirvesoo, and Foka Yenin - were started in the back. Mikula Shmarko got the nod in goal.
    Substitutions made: Alborov > Meleshin, Levishin > Marat, Zakharchuk > Petukhov.
    The goals for ZavU against Sever came from Poustovoitov (who also scored one against Condatis), and Meleshin, who scored twice.
    Not long after the match, it was announced that Aleksey Alborov was bought out of his contract, and could sign wherever he pleased, although several teams in the Bolakliiga have already said they would not sign him because of his prima-donna attitude, which he needed to work on.
    Several Seeds Fall In 5th Round
    KHALMER-YU - Believe the hype.
    (14) FK Kotlas was the second seeded team to fall victim to determined and surprisingly good Khalmer-Yu Town, 3-2, with the final goal coming in 2nd-half stoppage time.
    "Honestly, I have no idea what these guys are doing in the Nelonen," FK Kotlas manager Tarmo Saarela said in a post-match interview. "They play like a Bolakiiga side. I dunno what they have in the water up there, but I want some! It's not like we played poor football. They were just a teensy bit better. Yes, we're gutted, but no, we aren't going to dwell on it."
    Most of the seeds losing in this round lost to higher-seeded teams, which was expected:
    *(32) IPK lost to (1) SiPS
    *(24) ÖPK lost to (9) Dinamo Vologda
    *(25) Bumazhnik Solikamsk lost to (8) Spartak Ukhta
    *(26) Pechorski SK lost to (7) Kirovin JK
    Also, unseeded bigshots such as Ural Yekaterinburg, Mordovia Saransk, Fortuna Nizhny Tagil, FK Berezniki, and Sever Murmansk were all eliminated. However, there were a couple minor upsets. One saw eighteenth seed Trátyi TK up-end fifteenth-seed FK Kirov (some would argue that TraTK was the better side anyway), and thirteenth-seeded FK Vorkuta lost to twentieth seed CSKVC Kirov.
    Of the sixteen teams remaining, three are unseeded - Khalmer-Yu Town, plus Severstal Cherepovets (who beat Mennonites FC), and TvinkiZavod Chaykovsky (who beat Octane Perm').
    The matchups are as follows:
    (1) SiPS vs. Severstal
    (9) D. Vologda vs. (8) S. Ukhta
    (5) M. Kirov vs. (12) ZavU
    (20) CSKVC Kirov vs. (4) D. Arkhangel'sk
    (3) D. Kirov vs. Khalmer-Yu Town
    TvinkiZavod vs. (6) Amkar Perm'
    (7) KJK vs. (10) Telekom
    (18) TraTK vs. (2) U. Izhevsk
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