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The Bastion of the Pacific: part one

The Zigur

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DiamondHeadSunsetLoRes.jpg

"Starboard, ten degrees!"

The King breathed in the fresh air of the blessed islands as the trade winds whipped up the banners of his flagship into a frenzy. It spiritually rejuvenated him to return to these islands, his sovereign kingdom, his mighty people. He felt as if the mighty rock of Diamond Head was slowly approaching his ship, and its beauty and majesty was a humbling reminder that God, and not himself, was the true Father of his people. He frowned. The True People would only hold dominion over these islands so long as they could hold them.

As his flagship docked, and he descended the steps surrounded by his elite royal knights, two entire royal regiments on either side of his walk came to attention. Their wide-brimmed white helms sparkled in the morning sunlight, each topped by a steel spear-point matching the shining bayonets they held upright, and their crisp blue uniforms formed a vast sea of discipline and order, holding back the forces of chaos and decay. They were the finest of his people, the clean-cut Soldiers of God and Nation.

Beyond the ranks of the Nation's Finest, mingling with the sounds of the sea and the shouts of sergeants, his precious people awaited him, joyous to see their King returning in health and victory from the latest negotiations with the foreigners. At the end of the vast lines of soldiers, their commander saluted the King and offered him and his knights their horses which they would ride directly to Iolani Palace. As the King and his knights rode he thought about the challenges the Kingdom was facing abroad.

Though these islands might already be besieged by foreign degeneration and the ravages of capitalism, the King thought to himself, within this Kingdom remains the old chivalry and honor... for a little while longer.



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Tywin, you have a lot of long sentences. Nothing wrong with that, but generally it can help to break things apart to highlight key points. Take this last paragraph for example:

Beyond the ranks of the Nation's Finest, mingling with the sounds of the sea and the shouts of sergeants, his precious people awaited him, joyous to see their King returning in health and victory from the latest negotiations with the foreigners. At the end of the vast lines of soldiers, their commander saluted the King and offered him and his knights their horses which they would ride directly to Iolani Palace. As the King and his knights rode he thought about the challenges the Kingdom was facing abroad.

With a few sentence structure tweaks:


Beyond the ranks of the Nation's Finest, mingling with the sounds of the sea and the shouts of sergeants, his precious people awaited him. They were joyous to see their King returning in health and victory from the latest negotiations with the foreigners. At the end of the vast lines of soldiers, their commander saluted the King and offered him and his knights their horses. They would ride directly to Iolani Palace. As the King and his knights rode, he thought about the challenges the Kingdom was facing abroad.

So yeah, there's one tip for you. You might also want to look into not using so many descriptor words. It's a little too flowery at times.

When I write, my first draft is usually terrible. I find that it gets better and better as I go through the draft and make small changes one or two at a time, rereading the paragraphs as I make changes. Once I have changed a dozen or so bits, I go back through and reread the whole thing, and try and evaluate if there is any area that I want to improve. Sometimes, it helps to let things set for an hour or two and revisit them.

So there's two tips. Practice makes perfect, keep it up!

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Tywin, you have a lot of long sentences. Nothing wrong with that, but generally it can help to break things apart to highlight key points. Take this last paragraph for example:

With a few sentence structure tweaks:

So yeah, there's one tip for you. You might also want to look into not using so many descriptor words. It's a little too flowery at times.

When I write, my first draft is usually terrible. I find that it gets better and better as I go through the draft and make small changes one or two at a time, rereading the paragraphs as I make changes. Once I have changed a dozen or so bits, I go back through and reread the whole thing, and try and evaluate if there is any area that I want to improve. Sometimes, it helps to let things set for an hour or two and revisit them.

So there's two tips. Practice makes perfect, keep it up!

Some excellent advice there. More periods, fewer commas. Avoid adjectives.

I would add that a re-read should be done aloud. If it doesn't sound like the way someone speaks, or if it seems awkward, odds are good you're putting some of your readers to sleep.

When teaching writing classes I insisted on this last one.

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Some excellent advice there. More periods, fewer commas. Avoid adjectives. I would add that a re-read should be done aloud. If it doesn't sound like the way someone speaks, or if it seems awkward, odds are good you're putting some of your readers to sleep. When teaching writing classes I insisted on this last one.

Reading your writing outloud, or at the very least reading it while saying it in your head, is the best way to make writing better.

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