SrslyWTF (A story that will make you say that)

Entry posted by Ghuxalia May 9, 2010

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When I applied for the job, I never expected it to happen. Had I known, I wouldn’t even have considered the job. But it seemed easy, and it was, except for that night. That’s why I took the night shift, so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone other than the other employee. There rarely was any business during the night shift. Never at all, in my experience. Usually, all we ever did was sit in the break room playing cards. The only time we would ever leave the break room would be to go to the bathroom next door, or the kitchen across the hall. Occasionally we would glance at a still screen, and make sure nothing was wrong. Nothing ever was. It was the same exact picture, night after night. It was so similar, so boringly the same, that we were able to tell what exactly had gone on during the day. That was another way we would amuse ourselves. When we came in for the shift, we would glance at the screen, and guess what happened that day. Then, we would go to the logs and see whether we were right. We always were. Well, always except for three times in what seemed to be a thousand years of boredom. After some years on the job, it had become so routine that we were almost doing it in our sleep. I think I may have, occasionally, and that is how I think it had all started.

It was a dark and stormy night. Cliché, yes, but that is when the Fates do their work, so it is said. I was running late, quite literally. My car didn’t want to start, so I had to walk to the job. When I left, it was a light misting, I figured I wouldn’t need more than a light jacket. By the time I had gotten there, it was raining cats and dogs. I was soaked through to the bone, and starved as well. When I got to the break room she wasn’t there, so I shouted to the kitchen, “Bring me a sandwich while you’re in there.” It was a simple request, just a sandwich. They’re not that hard to make, so I’ve heard. But at home, I’ve always had HAL, and she’s been here longer than even I have. I was standing near my locker, changing out of my wet clothes into my dry uniform, when she came in. She silently handed me the sandwich.

I should have seen that as a sign? It was so obvious! If only I had noticed, all this could have been avoided. Alas, I did not, and there is nothing to change it now, so I may as well continue with the story.

So, she handed me the sandwich. I took a bite and nearly spat it out, it was so gross. I took off the top bun and saw the problem. “There’s no bacon in this sandwich! Where is my bacon?” I shouted at her. I raised my hand to strike her, the usual punishment, and I realized I was holding my wet clothes. I threw them over her arm, and told her to wash them while she was making me another sandwich. She just shook them off, and walked out silently.

Again, I see it, the silence! It was right there, in front of me, but I was blinded by ignorance! Why, cruel Decima, did you spin my thread so? As a youth, did I ever wrong you? How could I have, you are far too high above me?

She left the room, with my wet clothes lying in a heap on the floor. I was exhausted from my trip, so I decided I would wait until she came back with a better sandwich to bring it up. Nearly collapsing with fatigue, I lay down on the couch. She came back, with a full plate of something, but I could see not what it was, as she held it higher than my resting head. She slowly glided toward me, and placed her hand on top of the plate. I lifted my head, and said, “Come now, give it to me!” And so she did. But not nearly in the way I expected. Suddenly, her formerly pleasant eyes turned dark and black. Before I could react, she whipped out her arm, and started tried to start beating me with some sort of fish. But it was uncooked, and so it flopped and missed its target. I laughed at her, and grabbed her arms, restraining her. She did not resist. I took the trout from her, and then took out my Handy Dandy Notebook, and wrote down what had happened. I then grabbed my Handy Dandy Rubber Chicken, and started beating her about the head.

I need to make them have a lightsaber duel, she needs to become a zombie, and he needs to doubt his true identity.