Markus Wilding Posted May 11, 2009 Report Share Posted May 11, 2009 "Hello, my name is Stephen Colbert, here with Alvonian National News. Anyway, enough about me, on with the stuff you came here to hear - news. In Minneapolis, a game entitled "Tora, Tora, Tora" was banned by the government because "it promotes gun violence". You know something, government? NEARLY EVERY GAME WITH GUNS PROMOTES GUN VIOLENCE BY YOUR IDIOTIC STANDARDS! God, you people disappont me. Next thing you know they'll ban toy guns... In other news, a murder has happened in Whitefish, near the IBBC bank. It's not known if the man was an employee, but one thing is for sure. He's dead. Also, there...what? Oh, thank you. This was just handed to me. Apparently, uh, ah ha, ha ha! HA ha ha ha HA HA HAHAHAHAHAoh godHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA ah ha ha...anyway, a woman in Pierce, South Dakota, ha ha, handcuffed herself to her husband while, ha ha ha! He dialed 911 and after he did that and talked to the operator, AH HA HA HA HAAA HA HA! Started BITING him! AH HAH HA HAHAAA HA HA! Oh god...I need a drink of water....Goodnight folks! Ha ha haa...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtleknifewielder Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Oh my. Totally post. Will you be doing more like this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markus Wilding Posted May 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Most likely. Most of what I'll have him do is make extremly sarcastic and cynical veiws on several key issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtleknifewielder Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Most likely. Most of what I'll have him do is make extremly sarcastic and cynical veiws on several key issues. OOC: Cool. I look forward to them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergerberger II Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Stephen Colbert died in the February Revolution when his government was usurped by Emperor Marten Tromp at the beginning of the first Empire of the Netherlands. This man is an imposter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtleknifewielder Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Stephen Colbert died in the February Revolution when his government was usurped by Emperor Marten Tromp at the beginning of the first Empire of the Netherlands. This man is an imposter. Or it could be just pure coincidence that they have the same name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JEDCJT Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Or it could be just pure coincidence that they have the same name. OOC: Like Mudd and me using the same characters, John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, along with others... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtleknifewielder Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Like Mudd and me using the same characters, John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, along with others... OOC: Yep, just like that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergerberger II Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Or it could be just pure coincidence that they have the same name. Whatever the situation, rest assured that this Stephen Colbert will never be the man Stephen Colbert was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkantos Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Whatever the situation, rest assured that this Stephen Colbert will never be the man Stephen Colbert was. OOC: lolwat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Keshav IV Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: YOUR ARE MY HERO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markus Wilding Posted May 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 "Good morning, Alvonia. Today, I have more interesting news for you than last night. Let's see...ah, here we go. In Whitefish, ANOTHER game has been banned for promoting gun violence. But apparently this one's different. Why? Because it's one in the ever-popular Call of Duty series. This time not only did it promote gun violence, it also promoted "Nazism, Fascism and a negative view towards Germans". Now, let's say it DID promote these things. I dunno about you, but when I'm done playing it I'm not going to go around yelling crap about nazis and facism. Thousands of people in Alvonia and possibly even the world most likely play this series. The newest one, World at War, even had a zombies mode AND featured the most blood and gore of any other game! WHY THE HELL ISN'T OUR GOVERNMENT PROTECTING OUR CHILDREN FROM THAT?!! Now, it clearly says on every game: T or M as the rating. I guess some parents don't think their children will be corrupted by this, because I once played the zombie mode online and out of the blue, one of the other players yelled in a preteen voice, "MOM!!!! CAN YOU MAKE ME SOME HOTPOCKETS?!!!" Well, that's my morning rant done. Now there seems to be some confusion over my name. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a crap. For the record, my last name is pronounced coal-BERT as opposed to coal-BEAR. Great job, foriegn governments, great job. If there was ever a time for a sheet of gold star stickers, it would be now. Alright, now this was just handed to me...perfect. A major shooting in Minneapolis left several dead and 19 wounded. Apparently wo rival gangs met on the street and started shooting each other because...wait for it...one of the gang's girlfriend's was cheating on him with a guy from the rival gang! I mean, it's funny, but at the same time sad because those people had to die...oh wait. Nobody actually died. There's a list of names here of the people that died. Let's have a moment of silence for them." Sense, Common 0000-2009 Esteem, Self 0000-2009 Loyalty 0000-2009 Pride 0000-2009 Language, German 0000-2009 "Well, I'll see yu all tonight. Enjoy your day!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Keshav IV Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Lol, This thread is awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markus Wilding Posted May 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 "Hello and welcome to a special afternoon broadcast of ANN. More issues, more sarcastic comments, more cynicism and more cups of shut the hell up, government! This Stephen Colbert with the Colbert Report, a branch of ANN. Alright, before we go any further, time for some emails. This one is from Alexander Curran. He asks for more news happening around the world. You know what, Alex? When you're the anchor YOU get to decide what stories to broadcast! NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN! Our president, Markus Wilding was spotted last night at a party. One of my undercover minions - Uh, uh, I mean, reporters, said that if she was her wife, she'd poison his drink. Markus said that if he was her husband, he would drink it. In other news, a man named Mark Lugli was found outside a liqour store, unconcious. The reason why? He had been trying to break into the store, but the store's windows were made of plexiglass. He picked up a brick, threw it at the window, which bounced the brink back to his head. He was reported to have a slight conussion. Also, in the Dakotas, a man has held up a bank. It is currently unknown if he has a gun but police have responded. We will keep you updated on this. Until 8 tonight, go about your day. I'm out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justinian the Mighty Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Whatever the situation, rest assured that this Stephen Colbert will never be the man Stephen Colbert was. I'm sure the world is very thankful for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subtleknifewielder Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Whatever the situation, rest assured that this Stephen Colbert will never be the man Stephen Colbert was. I'm sure the world is very thankful for that. Indeed. We'll all sleep safer knowing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tahsir Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 OOC: Like Mudd and me using the same characters, John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, along with others... OOC: add me to the john list However I went even cooler than Robert. Joseph ftw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markus Wilding Posted May 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2009 "And what do you know, I forgot to go to the station last night. Whatever, news now, personal life later. Alright...news. I interviewed a highschooler in Minnesota and when I asked him what he signed on yearbooks, he pulled out a rubber stamp that aid, "You're a great kid. Don't ever change" with his name signed on it. Great to see what our highschoolers spend their time doing. Anyway, moving on, I have an expert on...worms with me today. Unfortunately she only speaks some language I'm sure none of you have ever heard of. Kelly Gilmore and her interpreter, come on down!" "She says she's glad to be here, Colbert." "Good to know. Now, how did Kelly get involved in worm study?" "She says ever since she was a little girl she was fascinated with worms." "Are there any types of worms?" "Small and big worms." "...Don't you mean big and small worms?" "No, it goes backwards in her country." "...Ah. Well, did she bring any of her research with her?" "...Why would she do that?" "Just ask her." "She said that they wouldn't allow them on the plane." "Why didn't she go by boat?" "She gets seasick and wants to know if you're done." "Well...uh..." "She also says you're ugly. "OK, we're done here. And thanks for eating up my entire timeslot." "She says you're welcome!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markus Wilding Posted May 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 (edited) "Howdy ho, how about another round of News? No? News-intolerant? Well too bad. Alright, first order of business, Alvonia a while ago ceded the South Dakota territory to a 'Muzzolini'...The government has been going well, according to Markus Wilding. Also Socialist Party candidate Lennard Hacker has been jailed for speaking out against the current government and then throwing molotovs at police. Who gives a socialist acess to fire, rags and alcohol? Seriously. He was put in solitary confinement and released, although he showed strong support for Nordic ways. Crap...let's hope he doesn't get elected. Alvonia has also organized a road rally, yet some, if not most, of the rally takes place off-road. ...What? Why call it a road rally if most of the time the car isn't even of the freaking ROAD?! The five drivers, not including the one from Alvonia have been accepted and now all we need is permission to drive like maniacs down dirt roads. Grand, isn't it?" Edited May 18, 2009 by N Reeki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spaero2011 Posted May 18, 2009 Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 Overheard in the Federacion Presidential Palace while watching Mr. ColBERT's show: "I don't get it." "It's news, what's there to get?" "I think he's trying to make a joke, and I don't get it." "Now that you mention it, I can't tell if he's serious or not." "Well, this is just craptastic. Get the intelligence guys working on this, maybe they can figure something out in the analysis." "Or we could just change the channel." "That works too. I hear there's a football game on." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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