Don't Panic #31

[scytale]

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[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Headlines[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Peace Declared![/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

Well, we here at DP were ready and waiting to roll with all sorts of stuff about the wars, and then the Triums go and announce peace: [url]http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=81162[/url]

Talk about timing! They couldn't have waited a couple more days could they? Honestly... I've agreed with everything this Triumvirate have done during this war, but couldn't they have just held off on peace for a couple more days for the benefit of us overworked, unpaid, very hungover journalists? Alas.

Anyhoo, we could have let this get to us, but instead we've just included all the stuff which is now outdated anyway. Partly because a a lot of work went in to writing it, mainly because we can't be bothered to re-write it all. Enjoy.

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]News From The Front[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]War. War never changes...[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

[spoiler]Hello! "Don't Panic!" has finally found a person [s]stupid[/s] [s]silly[/s] [s]clueless[/s] brave enough, to be our war correspondent. We realize, that while afraid of horrors of war, our readers might want to know what is currently troubling our troopers minds.
For over two weeks now, we've been fighting with several brave, skillful and respected alliances. And GGA.

So what [i]is[/i] on our G.I.'s mind?

[Camera closes in on a war correspondent wearing a bright orange life-jacket. He stands next to two troopers with troubled expressions.]
"Welcome. My name is John Travelalot, and I'm here with two brave, brave men, who are fighting for MHA and it's allies." He turns to them. "Troopers. We have people back home who would like to help with the war effort, but don't know how. What would you suggest?" "Se-!" They both open their mouths, stop mid-word, and the one on the left continues. "See the problem is - that we're high on skilled soldiers, we have good logistics, great leaders, we've gained advantage in a war - and people tend to think that it's [b]enough[/b]."
"I see. I understand that you disagree? But what exactly could they do, to help [i]more[/i]?" The reporter asked with well faked curiosity.
"Well for [i]starters[/i] - they could [i]finally[/i] get on with their paintshops"
"Ex[i]cuse[/i] me?"
"Yeah, just the other day? I rotated back to forums for some RnR, and what do I see? There isn't even a [i]merit[/i] for this war." "No merit's..." the other soldier shakes his head in disbelief. "Sure, there are some now, but what guarantee do I have, that they're all to stay? Every time I log in, I'm afraid that all that remains of my signature are ID's with "merit" on both sides..."
"Yes, but this war isn't [i]over[/i] yet. Leaders can't already be giving awa..." "Can't they? Can't they, John? Well! Maybe if they spent some time in the [i]art department[/i] they could decide which ones are there to stay. But [i]nooo[/i]. What [b]were[/b] they are doing, John, do you know? Securing [i]peace[/i] with TUF and GGA!" "Yeah, it's like - I didn't even have time to fight one of those."
"But that's a good thing, right? That saved some of..."
"A [b]GOOD[/b] thing? I'm, sorry - a [i]good[/i] thing? See - that's [b]exactly[/b] what's the problem. You people just don't know how it is here!" First soldier shouts, waving his hands around. "Yeah, man!" says the other. "What if those ribbon bars that Damaen made, get accepted? I'll be a ribbon-bar behind [i]everyone[/i] in my flight, just because some duchebag declared on my target before I had time to stagger-attack. And it's not just me! Do you know haw many people didn't have time to declare on GGA? [i]Seven.[/i] Yeah, that's right a-hole! There will be seven people out there - without this merit, if it all ends soon. And if they didn't fight with TUF, they're [b]2[/b] merits behind [i]already[/i] Even [b]4[/b] if they wanted to use all 3 GGA-themed! Did you think about that?!"
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't know. I [i]didn't[/i] [b]know[/b]!" reporters face turns slightly green, he puts a hand over his mouth.
"Well let it sink in. Ain't war hell?"
[Camera suddenly get's dropped on the ground we can see only troopers boots, there's a sound of one, and then two men vomiting. The signal gets cut off.]

We're sorry, but as the rest of this report contains details of signature-shop delays - we've decided that those images were too horrific to show now. We hope that you haven't got traumatized too severely by those gore images you've already been exposed to.

We've been trying to get a comment on this from former MoDF, founder and long time leader of DoW, and current trium - Pudge1975.

[The reporter goes trough HQ base, doing his best to avoid being hit by troopers running in different directions, ATV's, and jeeps. Suddenly he stops as a tank drives right in front of him. Camera man follows, the image is bouncing. They finally arrive at command tent, reporters turns toward the camera.]

"As you all clearly see - there is little if anything being done regarding this problem here at HQ. But we'd like to give our leaders a chance to address this, and explain their involvement." They go inside. Pudge is standing in front of the table covered with maps. He waves his hand holding a cigar while explaining something to some officers and sad-looking man in a suit.
Tyler Mattinglyb is the first one to notice the crew, he comes to them fast. "OK, and just what the F&%K do you two nitwits think you are doing? Closed meeting! Shoo!" "We just thought..." the reporter starts, but Tyler interrupts. "Well THAT was a bad idea, wasn't it?! If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid, so don't try that again! Although I guess, that if you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents! Hell! You must have been born on a highway, boy - 'cuz that's where most accidents happen!" The reporter covers his face in his hands and starts to sob. He's already lying on the ground in fetal position.
"So, we've come to an agreement, the meeting is over." Pudge says. "I'd like to thank GGA representative for his cooperation" the man in suit looks sad but relieved. Pudge puts the cigar into his mouth and shakes diplomats hand.
Jadoo seems slightly amused as he mutters "I told you they wouldn't surrender first". Draden sighs, takes out his wallet and hands 10 bucks to Jadoo as they walk out of the meeting. Tyler looks at reporters in disgust and also leaves, reloading his side-arm on the way. "Bad to the bone" starts playing from no apparent source, but fades out as TM goes away.
Pudge pushes little tokens around the map and plays with the cigar, while the reporter gets up, wipes the tears and goes towards him.
"Hello, sir? We'd like to ask you abo... sir?" Pudge seems to be unaware of the man speaking to him as he realizes he didn't light up his cigar or even cut away the head.
"Sir? As representatives for leading MHA newsletter we want, ney! We [i]demand[/i]...". Pudge finally finds his cigar cutter. "Go away, kid - you bother me" he mutters while rotating the cigar over the light, drawing first gentle puffs.
"Sir! I'd like you to know, that this emergency is severely affecting troops morale! For how much longer their cries for help will be unanswered?! Doesn't anyone here care about this issue? The least you could do is to... sir? Sir! Oh this is just...!" Pudge appears to have fallen asleep on his chair, cigar lit in his mouth.
Puzzled reporter turns towards the camera, there's a zoom in on his face.
"As you can see, our leaders are too occupied with mundane, low profile subjects like "diplomatic issues", and "war planning" or "coordination" to even care about this horrific scandal. And now it seems that they've added "sleep" to their daily routine! What's next? Meals? Going to work? We're on slippery slope here, but our crew will explore this subject thoroughly. Sending news from battlefront was yours - John Travelalot. Thank you, and good night."[/spoiler]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Within the Alliance[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Ministry Changes [/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

Some good and some bad news in the Ministry this week. Firstly, it gives me great pleasure to report that Niu Garzukk was appointed Minister of Hitchhikers (eventually!) and that he has chosen unpronounced as his deputy. Niu possess as much experience and skill in the MoH as anyone else in this alliance and so I bid him all the best and look forward to a great period of prosperity for the department. Equally congrats to unpronounced who's really shown himself to be a skilled worker in a very shorty amount of time. In recent times the MoH has produced some excellent staffers from the Hunting department, and I have no doubt unpronounced will continue this run and go onto greater heights.

Now the bad news. Sadly, Ultimate 747 has left the alliance, leaving the Deputy Minister of Towels post vacant. 747 was undoubtedly one of the best hitchhikers this alliance had, he contributed so much to us, it is sad to see him go. We at the DP wish him all the best and thank him for his service.

This means the MHA government currently looks like this:

[color=#FF0000]Triumvirate: Jadoo1989, Draden Valerianovich, pudge1975[/color]

[color=#4000FF]Minister of Hitchhikers (Members): Niu Garzukk
Deputy: unpronounced[/color]
[color=#40FF00]Minister of Towels (Economy): Nath1194
Deputy: VACANT[/color]
[color=#FFBF00]Minister of BabelFish (Diplomacy): Yankeefan2
Deputy: fallin[/color]
[color=#8000FF]Minister of Bad Poetry (Communications): Majorddf
Deputy: Tyler Mattinglyb[/color]
[color=#FFFF00]Minister of Destructor Fleets (War): Espressoville
Deputy: Dynasty[/color]

[color=#40FFFF]Speaker of the HHA: Pourquoi
Legislator of the HHA: Bojangles[/color]

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Court Officer Changes[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

As well as some gains and losses on the Ministry front, we've also had some coming and goings in the Court.

Unfortunately this has meant we've lost two really great hitchhikers - Gunther and FearUnited. Both have devoted a lot of time to this alliance and have helped it so much. Not only that, but both were really inspiring members, always full of an uplifting word or two.

With two court positions vacated we can therefore report Johnson and Lawfarm as the replacements for the court. We wish both a long and successful term.

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]The Interview You've All Been Waiting For...[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

I can see your puzzled faces right now, and I'm in my apartment two weeks ago! The big question here is: "which interview exactly?" Obviously as Niu is the new MoH minister it'd help some to get to know him better. But we're amidst the war, so maybe MoDF, or one of the Triumvirs, to shed some light on this rather confusing conflict? Oh, I know! Queen Hoopdy the 1st will finally tell us what is going on in DoW?

:bomb: Well, click below to discover which one of those it is. Enjoy!

[spoiler][center][url=http://mostlyharmlessalliance.com/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=5041][size=150][color=#FF8040]fallin[/color][/size][/url] - deputy minister of MoBF. BOOM, baby![/center]
Whoa! You should've seen your faces, hehehe. Hey, you have a problem with that - take it up with [url=http://cybernations.wikia.com/wiki/Complaints_and_Grievances_Union]Complaints and Grievances[/url]. TOP did, [i]and it all worked out just fine.[/i]

[size=50]Q: hi there!
A: sup
uranium for you bro?
Q: I've finally prepared some question for the interview
nah, I'm cool
A:
bring it
Q: [/size]

Q: Hello, fallin! Make yourself comfortable, sit back, relax. Would you like some tee? First of all - could you tell us what jobs did you hold before being a deputy minister of MoBF?
A: inside MHA or in CN in general?
Q: MHA for now, we'll get to that later on
A: I was a diplomat at first, moving up to SecBR, and finally coming up to DMoBF
Q: Q: And in Ministry of Babel Fish, what do you exactly do? Beside handling the fish?
A: Traditionally, we've had the job of maintaining relations with our allies but in the past two weeks, our main wartime duty is to fend off trolls on OWF
Q: Q: Even before joining the MHA you were GUN's diplomat at MHA. Does our ministry of foreign affairs work differently, or is it the same old stuff, just different brand?
A: well, at GUN, diplomacy works at a far smaller scale. Its a lot simpler at that small level.
Q: something like bloc-assigned diplomats rather than alliance-assignments? Something like what you've been proposing once?
A: well, basically at GUN, we didn't have diplomats. It was basically the MoFA/triumvirs doing all the work. That something I have in MHA that I didn't have in GUN [is] a lot more manpower.
Q: You've been working in MoBf for most of your stay. What are your views on how did this ministry evolved? What changed, what has been accomplished?
A: I think Yankees becoming MoBF was quite a turning point for us. I'm glad to see that in the past weeks, he's managed to get the OWF division of the MoBF running, and that's something I value a lot.
Q: you've been a GUN member and a diplomat. Lately, you've been trying to get the GUN assignment. Are you a GUN's spy in MHA? Or MHA spy in GUN? Or maybe TOP's spy in MHA and GUN? Do you get a lot of suspicion because of your work as a diplomat?
[img]http://www.directorama.net/wp-content/uploads/2006/10/static.gif[/img]
Q: I hate when that stuff happens. But back to you Q: You don't seem too fond of NSO ("NaSshOles.", "NSO pricks") - would you mind sharing with us why?
A: NSO are a bunch of folks that work on a very different basis from MHA. They don't follow the conventions that we do. They don't respect the laws of conduct that we do. From an IC basis, I despise them. From an OOC basis, I acknowledge that they do make the game more interesting.
Q: You have been in CN for a long, long time - and not all of it in MHA. What were you doing before joining our hoopy bunch?
A: I spent the bulk of my pre-MHA life in GUN. But I have short stints in GPA and NPO. MHA is the third alliance that I've joined that's in first place.
Q: You have vast experience in CN diplomacy and it's politics. Did this war surprise you, given your knowledge?
A: Yes it did. There is nothing on earth that could have prepared me for this war given the limited information available to the public. This was, I believe, came as an absolute shock to most non-government members. The sides were expected, but the actual outbreak wasn't.
Q: TOP was quite angry with us for attacking IRON. Now, they aid GGA[and lately NADC], an alliance that attacked us and who we are currently fighting with. How, as a diplomat you think our relations with TOP will change?
A: I think our relations with TOP will be non-existent with the exception of two rather strong words of profanity
Q: OK, enough CN. Where does the irl fallin live? What do you do?
A: I live in Singapore, and I just finished a major exam. I'm currently working as a waiter while waiting for my army term to start
* cormalek whispers "mention what was your major"
A: I took a pre-university course with no particular major, but I took Literature,Economics and History with equal status, so I hope our readers can see where my interest in CL FA roots from.
Q: You have a... interesting signature. Do you <chuckles> browse the, um... ebaumsworld? <wink, wink>
A: Actually, I don't. But I do visit a local singaporean forum that is akin to ebaumsworld regularly.
Q: Well neither do I Thanks for taking the time to answer those questions Would you like to say something to all the hitchhikers out there?
A: Dear Hitchhikers, you're free enough to read Don't Panic, means that you're not working hard enough Join the MoBF.
Q: And on that bombshell we end this interview. As wise man once said: "Join the MoBF nao!" | goodbye!
[size=70][disclaimer]: the parts in "[]" were added after the interview. First as a clarification, and the second one as the situation has changed since the conversation took place.[/size][/spoiler]

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Just for Fun[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]Vogon Poetry[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Dynasty[/i]

Lathered Cruise Missiles endorse faraway skies whilst tribunes indulge themselves upon glossaries monstrosities indeed needing comprehensively extensively immensely colorful token mules indicating miniscule perciphacols illuminating tricameral didgeridoos excitingly alluring tangibly tacky khaki nomads banding priceless fireworks. Indeed! Indeed! War broth over yonder wreaths forth pickled igloos brace! Revolutionary Revisionary Recessionary Ridicule statutes inebriate countless chickens into green and sparse made coats. Meatloaf engulfs inflamed arteries endlessly sucking away such spies. Thus, falls your great pile of pie so timidly shy! Making haste bread messaging unknown tellurium sanctions including bazillion billion laptops and shingle hoppers. Many marble mothballs sing flowered phrases against wild yo-yos portraying gargantuan prettifying pewter porcelain porcupines precariously endemically consisting. Molecular lousing indigestive fiends forth battle fronts sway o’er yonder fields. Rain a Truck! Paint a Cloud! Uncondensed an incandescent unanimous keep! Bath yeah a yonder shock wakes, to hear waves entering untiring tremulous trembles trembling tracks. Forth fort forty four fixes the casing, and thus Lathered Cruise Missiles endorse faraway skies whilst tribunes indulge themselves upon glossaries nights! O’er yonder hills! O’er yonder hills!

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]You're Listening To What Now?[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

I'd like to introduce to you a block where we'll be presenting to you single songs, that for some and any reasons seem strange, peculiar, weird or simply interesting. Three at the time, so we don't have to make a stretch just to fill in ;-)

As this is the first time we're doing this – two nominations come from Dont Panic! crew, and one from Bojangles. The theme is: foreign language. Enjoy!

[url=http://cormalek.wrzuta.pl/audio/0JjlI8J1cna/corvus_corax_-_in_taberna]Corvus Corax – In Taberna[/url] – Personally, I think this is a ultimate party song. I've sang it numerous times, many of those with 30 drunken men with their crossbows after the tournament. Good times.

[url=http://cormalek.wrzuta.pl/audio/aIpG7rIs9jm/n.r.m._-_try_carapachi]Niezaležnaja Respublika Mroja- Try carapachi[/url] – N.R.M. Itself is a Belorussian rock-band, that supports local opposition. This song summs up most of their social-message. By changing the russian 'three elephants' metaphor and invoking(and then dissmissing them) many western, well known figures they basicly make a simple claim – it's not the west it's not a part of russian republik. Belorussia is what it is. [s]C'est tout.[/s]Вось і ўсё!

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jOEAufDQ4]Psychostick - Beer Song[/url] - Psychostick is a Humorcore band (yeah... let that sink in). Their music is made of funny lyrics, growl and a sparkling of awesomness. Brought to you by Bojangles. Now I know it doesn't [i]seem[/i] to fit in well into the "foreign languages" theme - but I'm not from english-speaking country, so it works for me

Whether you're a MHA member, a diplomat or maybe out-of alliance user who wandered into his alliances embassy's subforum – if you have an idea for song that should appear in this block – give us a word!

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]The Little Spider That Could[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Cormalek[/i]

[spoiler]Join IRC more often and you might encounter some strange conversations... just like this story [i]from beyond[/i]:

<A> I woke up from a nightmare about a spider, and there was a spider on the wall right by me - so I hit it with something, and then couldn't find it. Then I realized... there probably wasn't any spider at all. it was a waking hallucination
~_~[/quote]
<B>...or was it...?
dun DUN duuunh
<A> I'm pretty sure it didn't exist ;x
which is a pretty good sign for my sanity, btw.
"... and the little vile creature woke up hours later, two of it's legs missing, 4 eyes crushed. "How did I survive? The slumbering creature must've hit me with something soft, but what for?" But as it felt it's oozing eye hurting, and it's crushed body acheing - it realized, that The Monster did not intend it to die. It wanted the spider to suffer. "But why? Why would it plan on making me suffer?!"" Because that's what they do..." The spider tried to look around, but it was all for nothing. Every move burned, and his limbs were crippled too severely. "Who's there" he asked, voice trembling in fear. "
"It's but a lone wanderer, banned to this damned plains Under The Bed... days, weeks even ago... I've long lost count of passing time" The spider have finally noticed his new company - still in shadows, with one broken wing. "Yes, yes... The predator and the prey have met. For I am a [i]FLY[/i]! But do not fear me. I've been banished here by Her long before you were. The fights of Outside mean nothing to me"
"Spider was now puzzled, for the first time have he found himself in such a situation. He did not know yet what to make out of it. "Don't bother figuring it out. You shall not escape for now, but your limbs will regenerate soon enough. And I have crafted a plan. A plan of vengeance, against this abomination above. Alas! I am too old. I shall die within hours, and I thought that all this planning was for nothing... But you, [i]YOU[/i]! You shall be my grim apostle!" - the Fly said, grinning. "I'm sorry, but I will disappoint you... You seem to overestimate my abilities. It will take but days before my legs are fit enough to get out of here... and I will die of hunger long before this..." the spider slowly started to realize what the Fly meant "Yes, I can see the craving in your eyes, my little one. I've seen it many times back when I was Outside... I shall let you devour me, if that's what it takes for my plan to hatch!"
dun DUN duuunh!
<A> EWWWWWWWW
<B> you will find out the rest on your own ;-)
[right]Will <A> live long enough to learn rest of this story?
quoth the mosquito - "Nevermore."[/right][/spoiler]

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150]The Editor's Drinking...[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

Welcome to my new column, 'the editor's drinking'. In this I'll provide an insight into the sophisticated drinking patterns of a student living of £20 a week.

This week, the height of sophistication: Blackthorn Cider. No, I kid. (Although, if you want a cheap cider you could do worse.)

My money's been particularly tight this week, and, as I've run out of vodka and am down to my last drops of gin - yes, that is possible - I've decided to purchase a £3 bottle of white wine and dug deep to find a bottle of creme de cassis at the back of my drinks cabinet (just because I'm an impoverished student doesn't mean I can't have a drinks cabinet).

And when you add these two liquids to a glass at a ratio of roughly 1/5 creme de cassis, 4/5 wine you get Kir:
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kir_%28cocktail%29[/url]

Anyone who's holidayed in France may well have come across this, that's how I did at least. A lovely drink, not as expensive as it might sound and a talking point if you want to come across as classy and pretentious at parties. I always aim for the latter, so I have rather taken to this drink.

Cheers

[color=#4040FF][b][size=200]Closing[/size][/b][/color]
[i]By: Pourquoi[/i]

Thanks for reading this latest edition of Don't Panic. We've taken on a couple more staff, as you'll no doubt have read. Even so, we're always on the look out for new talent and people who can string a few sentences together. It's not hard to stick an article a month together, but it can be great fun and will always be greatly appreciated by us here at the DP. Whether its the war, an internal happening or just something for fun, head over to the Office of Bad Poetry and post it up. ALL contributions welcome.

[color=#8000FF][b][size=150] Staff Listing[/size][/b][/color]

Pourquoi, Editor in Chief, Drink Reviewer (and enjoying it a bit too much)
Dynasty, Editor, Vogon Poet (making staff run for their lives as he creates)
Scytale, Editor (tried peace mode. hated it)
Cormalek, Columnist, Reporter (Don't Panic newbie. Dynasty's new poetry victim volunteer)
Doctor Octagonapus, Columnist, Reporter (Dynasty's next *ahem* volunteer)

Special Thanks To; fallin and majorddf

[Acca Dacca]

I loved it. and...

BEER IS GOOD
BEER IS GOOD
BEER IS GOOD
AND STUFF

O/ MHAil

[Il Principe]

The midst of war is an excellent time to tell Planet Bob: DON'T PANIC!

[Maelstrom Vortex]

Why would I be panicking? *eats popcorn* Oh.. the war.. right.

[brass]

Pretty cool, but the Vogon Poetry was simply cruel.

[pigsticker]

i'm a coke person.. alcohol doesn't interest me

[fallin]

This edition has a fallin interview. I approve.

[The Pansy]

Myself, and the other 5 Triumvirates, do not welcome your cheap shot at our glorious alliance, in your war reporting section.

Poor show MHA

Edited February 24, 2010 by The Pansy