It's been a matter of days since I stepped up and became the viceroy of The Legion. There were other suitors but at the end of the day, it was ol' Rontastic filling the void and giving this alliance a much needed personality transplant. HEY! Remember back in the day when the name "The Legion" actually meant something? Didn't they have some catchy phrase they used to throw around? "Ave Legio" or something. What the hell does that even mean? I'm sure some Latin speaking nerd will come by and point out that it says something awesome and inspiring but really... this is Planet Bob. SPEAK ENGLISH. IT'S IN THE RULES!
And this is where we are. The Legion is currently at war with Tetris (awesome game, by the way) and NSO squared (do you remember when alliances were unique and had their own acronyms?). The details are not important right now. What IS important is that The Legion is a broken machine that definitely could use some fixing. It's like that old junker I used to drive... sure, the windshield is a little cracked, there's an oil leak somewhere, and you have no idea what that mysterious stain is in your trunk... and the SMELL! Ugh. Anyway, it used to be the pinnacle of driving technology in its day.
The Legion is like my old 1993 Plymouth Acclaim. What a BEAST. Your grandparents probably drove one. You probably joined it and learned to play the game after school. Your friends most likely laughed at you. I imagine you haven't been able to live it down. Kind of like that one time you slept with that fat chick because you needed a ride home. Those were terrible times. I think that's what inspired me to drink.
Er... you. Not me.
It's no big secret that The Legion has fallen from grace after spending a great deal of time at the top. As the viceroy, I have big plans that I am going to incorporate once my installation is complete. Here's a teaser of things to come:
- I will officially change the name of "The Legion" to simply "Legion." I feel that the addition of the article is rather unnecessary. Are there are other Legions lurking in the shadows trying to assert dominance over the rest? It's not as if this is the Royal Canadian Legion or even the Military Order of the Loyal Legion of the United States. If it was the latter, I would implement a committee to determine a word beginning with the letter "K" just to have the acronym MOLLUSK. Because in this day and age? A bunch of invertebrates are more menacing than what this alliance has become.
- Let's face it. Legion's war tactics are a bit of a joke. I think that's something that should be exploited. Every Wednesday, the nations that comprise this new Legion will be able to take part in alliance-wide open mic nights! Think you've got a better strategy? Step right up and become MoD for a day. The only caveat to this offer will be the required communication between the Minister and the new position, Minister of Timezones. Rather than appoint an actual person from Legion for this prestigious role, I will cough up a few dollars and buy one of those new fangled digital watches I hear so much about.
- Rebuilding after this war will not be easy. Legion's allies are sitting by the wayside refusing to get involved. I suppose that just because the treaty says "Mutual Defense," it should mean that Legion's allies mutally agree to defend when asked. You know, instead of having a document saying they will jump in and be their backup. As such, I will order all treaties be destroyed and new ones forged in their stead during an alliance-wide bake sale. I've heard that "Totem Toffee Bites" are pretty damn tasty as are the "Killer04 Kream Puffs!" YUM!
During my tenure, Legion will become a great alliance once more. They will return to prominence and feast at the cool kids table and never again be compelled to eat their sammiches in the stairwells to avoid ridicule and humiliation like the fat kids they once were.
At the very least... we can get the rest of Planet Bob to laugh WITH Legion instead of AT them.