Lost in the Abyss

[Mason]

This topic isn't really meant to entertain anyone beyond myself. It's just a retrospect that leaves me wondering...what now? There may be a few of you who are or have been at this same crossroad at some point or another. If so, you may relate and even have some words to offer.

CN can be a brutal place. Over time, no matter who you are, you're bound to make some mistakes, make some enemies, make some good friends, and maybe even make enemies of those you once made friends with. You'll have regrets. Hopefully, you'll have some accomplishments to be proud of as well. And so it goes. Each has their own personal experience in this world. Many factors affect our decisions here. True character plays a part in all of our personas. And, as time goes on and events in our real lives change us, often who we are in the game changes as well. This has happened to me on more than one occassion. I've gone to being an intense, dedicated player to not really caring at all, back to trying to be involved, to wanting to lead an alliance to wanting to just take a back seat and take it easy. I've played many different parts over the course of 3 1/2 years. None have been so significant as they would bring my name to light on the world stage, but they have affected people I've played with and grown close to. My actions have impacted others decisions and actions and vice versa. Anytime you deal with so many distinct personalities in a closed environment, you're bound to clash with people. No matter how bad you would like to be, you can't be liked by everyone, or even hated by everyone if that's your aim. It's politics, and no matter how solid an idea you think you have and even if you do...without a solid foundation and some strong backing, you rarely stand a chance of conveying your idea to a global stage. It could be a new alliance, a new direction for game play, or any number of ideas that could potentially impact everyone and yet go unnoticed. More importantly, this game tests you. It challenges you in ways you may not even realize. Your character is tested when facing adversity. How you respond to a crisis, large or small, defines who you are. People judge you based on your actions because that's all they can know of you. It takes months, years even, to build a solid reputation. It only takes a day to tear it down. One bad day to change the minds of those you've worked for so long to convince you're the kind of person they can trust, respect, and look up to. Follow that bad day with a series of days and you've really done yourself in.

I'm rambling.


So, what's the point of all this? Patience, I suppose. That's what this game tests the most. At one time, early in my career, I helped found an alliance that quickly grew to a success. Then we had problems, I got bored, got interested in other things, left. Came back, tried new things, left. Came back, went back to alliance, got frustrated, left. Came back, tried new things, left. Etc. Why? Am I a quitter? A sore loser? Yes, no, maybe. Not really. I think it's the culmination of personal disappointment coupled with other miscellaneous factors. Just about everyone who is involved enough to come to these forums and read a thread like this has one goal. Sure, you may look for others to criticize in order to elevate your own sense of self worth or you may want to showcase your own intelligence. You may just be looking to up your post count, or put your name out there to make new friends. But ultimately, we share one goal. We want to make our mark in this world. Things don't always go according to plan. Some handle the adversity better than others. Some are more balanced. Some are better equipped to deal with issues, opposition, and failure on whatever level it may be, but we all experience it. I've learned a lot from my own mistakes and misgivings. I've also learned from others. This game, although just a game, has taught me more about human nature, conflict, the joys of success and the pain of failure, than I ever imagined I could learn. Crazy to say, but it's made me a stronger person. I suppose that's why its addicting. It's more than a game. It's people. Some of you play with those you know personally, in real life. For the most part, the bonds we share are with people we have never met, nor will ever meet, in real life. Yet, there is still a code of honor that exists among our brethren in our alliances. There is still a call of duty to honor our friendships. It's those people who meet that call that have made their mark, even if not on a global level. It's those people who have made their mark in someone else's lives and will always be remembered...long after the game is over.

But now, I'm here. Having enjoyed seeing a creation of mine blossom and then slowly wither away. Having attempted frest starts under various guises. Having joined, and learned from, both small and large alliances. Having made friends and enemies. Having gained respect and loyalty, and having lost it. I've known the feeling you get when people look up to you in adoration. I've known the feeling you get when no one knows your name. The first is way better. I've known what it's like to watch your close group of friends slowly disappear from the game. No different than when you go back to visit your home town or old high school. The place is there but the faces that you knew are gone. You can never go home. You can't get back what's been lost. You can only choose to carry on and hope to regain that former glory in a new age, or you can fade away.

Sometimes I wonder how I found the friends I've made here over time. I seem to have difficulty repeating the process. Makes me wish it was 3 years ago and we had our close knit community back. Makes me wish I could experience those feelings of triumph again. Like a good sitcom or drama on tv, occassionally, you just find the right cast and it all clicks. Pieces fall into place. But when it's over, you sign on to join the cast in other shows but never regain the magic of what you once had. Nevermind me, I'm still rambling.

I stay here hoping I can find the right place to fit in once again, to make a new mark, to face those new challenges and hopefully do it all better the next time around. But, I'm still looking, and I'm still learning. I wonder if I'm the only one.

[LadyDakota]

I'm kind of in the same boat you are in. I just came back from a 1.5 year break, seems more like 2. Over time, some change, some don't. Bonds form and break. Everything evolves, no matter how great the past glory might have been. I've been missing the community for a while, but due to the fact I was hated by most and loved by few I made my hiatus even longer than necessary. Getting back into the game is hard given past transgressions. You'll always be judged by it. So my advice, is to hold your head up and dive back in. Post like you've been there all along and ignore the negativity. As for past glory and the old times, just savor it for now. In the future, it might be ten times that so it's always best to be optimistic.

[Sabertooth]

Awesome essay. What you wrote is so true.

[Caleb279]

[quote name='Zhaan' timestamp='1282183088' post='2422428']
I've learned a lot from my own mistakes and misgivings. I've also learned from others. This game, although just a game, has taught me more about human nature, conflict, the joys of success and the pain of failure, than I ever imagined I could learn. Crazy to say, but it's made me a stronger person. I suppose that's why its addicting. It's more than a game. It's people. Some of you play with those you know personally, in real life. For the most part, the bonds we share are with people we have never met, nor will ever meet, in real life. Yet, there is still a code of honor that exists among our brethren in our alliances. There is still a call of duty to honor our friendships. It's those people who meet that call that have made their mark, even if not on a global level. It's those people who have made their mark in someone else's lives and will always be remembered...long after the game is over.

[/quote]
Can definitely relate. This is now my fourth nation...I've done a lot. A lot of wars, the co-founding of an alliance, and I even raided big alliances to piss people off. The whole way through I just remember two things: Don't betray your brothers, and have fun.

This game teaches you skills, and bonds you with people you would've never gotten to know in real life. I get where you're coming from.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Caleb279

[Sandler]

Zhaan, this essay is poignant and powerful. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.

[Kzoppistan]

Very well written.

[Kevanovia]

I'm right there with you.

Good job at expressing your thoughts on this matter, as I'm sure some of us have been feeling this as well. (I know I have)


To the haters:

You can call some of us "alliance-hoppers", but in the end some of us "alliance hoppers" are just looking to find 'home' again and find excitment the same way we did before.

Edited August 20, 2010 by Kevanovia

[Morwens Flames]

Excellent essay. It basically summarises my own beliefs about the IC/OOC boundary. You cannot divorce your IC persona entirely from your OOC one. I’ve tried. It’s simply not possible. Of course, you can still role-play a nice person or a troll, a ‘good guy’ or a ‘bad guy’, but that’s not as extreme as some people take the IC/OOC thing.

Cyber Nations has made me... harder... in real life. It’s really weird. I’ve had to overcome some real hatred towards particular people too. It’s easy to be cruel over the internet, it’s so impersonal and you don’t ever see the person face-to-face. On the other hand, I’ve made some really close friends who I hope to meet in real life sometime.

[Remo]

Sir, here is my hand, and my hat. Great words.

I've always thought this was (and is) a game, but it's like saying Life is a game. It's up to you. The sharing you experience in this game, played properly, goes beyond what you could've even imagine before clicking "Register" and "Ok". For most of us, this is real life, this is life: why we consider everyday systemic routine the "real" aspect of life? I do not consider phases, or tiers, life is a whole; enjoying or not your career, your family, your friends, your cybernations or job.

[Innerspeaker]

The same has happened to myself, what with losing interest in my tasks in Polar, and disbanding TIP. Well done.

[Salmia]

Even if you're active in an alliance like I've been for almost 3 years straight - it is difficult because you watch people fade away. You watch the new era of an alliance take place, you watch the people you know disappear and it is hard to find reasons to stay around. Constantly trying to find a new purpose. This essay rings true because no matter if it is here or RL, things always change and change can be hard. People move on and you have to find a new purpose.

This game does teach quite a bit about human nature, but it can teach you the joys of friendship as well. It is a quick and dirty lesson on life in some ways but also a lesson on bonds that reach across boundaries but it hurts when those bonds fade. But I don't think I would say I regret it. So kudos to you for this essay because no matter what alliance you're in, this does happen to all of us.