23 dead in profanity accident

[Sal Paradise]

Sunday April 18th - East Sipatau, Bat Country


Earlier this morning a bus carrying 29 Sunday school children and their teacher was attacked by profanity on the East Sipatau expressway on route to a church retreat. 22 of the children and the teacher were killed in the accident. The driver and 7 of the children survived all with severe injuries. Officials say the profanity was likely caused by road rage.

Witnesses say the profanity sounded like it was uttered by a female voice, but the police have no suspects at this time.

"We've seen an increase in these attacks in recent weeks," says Lt. Chad Macmillan, who heads up a police task force organized to monitor cussing, "and we're seeing more women involved in this as well. The Sipatau Police Department in conjunction with the Bat Country Department of Internal Security will be stepping up our efforts to prevent a tragedy like this from happening again."

The Sal Paradise government has received strong criticism in their handling of the profanity epidemic. Opposition leaders and other detractors claim the Prime Minister hasn't been addressing the root of the problem: college campuses.

"Campuses across the country are hotbeds for naming calling and swearing," says Gladys Wiffle, a spokesperson for the Mothers Against Salty Language and Nudity, " and there's a campus right off the expressway where this terrible accident occurred. With more women engaging in this kind of activity, it won't be long until, well, it would be immodest of me to say."

"We try to protect children from swearwords," says psychologist Dr. David Killarney, "but when they go to college, despite the rules, they think themselves free to engage in all kinds of indiscretions. New to the experience, they get a little wild."

The government released a statement condemning the attack and has vowed to implement a tougher plan to deal with swearing.



In other news, the Bat Country Department of Defense has announced the successful test of its newest generation of nuclear weapons. The test, codenamed Abstracted Violence, was conducted on Kztoplkm city in the neighbouring nation of Rrluopmnk.

"The city was the perfect choice for Abstracted Violence," says scientist Dr. Gerard Fiddlebacher, "it was nowhere near Bat Country, densely populated, which means lots of infrastructure, and we couldn't even pronounce its name."

Much infrastructure was destroyed in the test and scientists are calling it an enormous success.

"We've become very good at conducting these kinds of nuclear tests," says Dr. Fiddlebacher, "this is our 29th test as a matter of fact."

The Department of Defense plans to implement a Nukes and Schools program next year, where students across the country will get a chance to study and watch next year's 10 scheduled tests and one lucky child will be allowed to push the button for each test. The program is only available for students 13 years old or older, unless they have parental permission.

Edited April 18, 2010 by Sal Paradise

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

OOC: Good lord, Sal's escaped the boiler room! Quick, get him back before he hurts somebody!

[Biohazard]

[quote name='KaiserMelech Mikhail' date='18 April 2010 - 12:28 AM' timestamp='1271568504' post='2264669']
OOC: Good lord, Sal's escaped the boiler room! Quick, get him back before he hurts somebody!
[/quote]
OOC: Indeed! If you are joining CNRP, welcome Sal. I'd respond IC but...well, I can't atm.

[Sargun II]

In response to the tragic deaths, profanity exports have been limited from the Sarnungian Republic. Despite the popularity of the move for many white suburban mothers who voted for Sarah Palin last year, most experts have come to the conclusion that our profanity protection infrastructure is very weak. Thankfully, most silos are out in hick territory where profanity is taught as a second language in Sarnungian schools, and there is only a small chance of forest fires.

[Sal Paradise]

[quote name='KaiserMelech Mikhail' date='17 April 2010 - 10:28 PM' timestamp='1271568504' post='2264669']
OOC: Good lord, Sal's escaped the boiler room! Quick, get him back before he hurts somebody!
[/quote]

OOC: last time I posted here I was greeted with similar, but unsarcastic, hostility. The Boiler Room is little more civilized if you ask me.



[quote name='Sargun' date='18 April 2010 - 04:57 AM' timestamp='1271591817' post='2264822']
In response to the tragic deaths, profanity exports have been limited from the Sarnungian Republic. Despite the popularity of the move for many white suburban mothers who voted for Sarah Palin last year, most experts have come to the conclusion that our profanity protection infrastructure is very weak. Thankfully, most silos are out in hick territory where profanity is taught as a second language in Sarnungian schools, and there is only a small chance of forest fires.
[/quote]

Later that afternoon, while shooting things in the face with a shotgun in his backyard, Prime Minister Paradise and his son are interrupted by his chief aide Phillip Philbert.

"Excuse, Mr. Prime Minister," says Philbert with trepidation.

"What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?" replies the Prime Minister as he reloads the shotgun.

"I'm sorry to bother you while you shoot people in the face-"

"[i]Things[/i] Philbert! I shoot [i]things[/i] in the face! Can't you see that these aren't people? They are graphic representations."

"Right, sorry, things.. and might I add you're doing an amazing job of dehumanizing violence."

"Thank you."

"I thought you might want to see this. The Sarnungian Republic says it's limiting its exports of profanity in the wake of the school bus profanity tragedy last night."

"The Sarnungian Republic [i]exports[/i] profanity?"

"That's what I thought you might find interesting, sir."

"Son of a submariner, can we nuke them?"

"That's a possibility. They'd nuke us back, but I doubt anyone would mind due to the current international climate that glorifies nuclear holocaust."

"Hmmm... well, I'll put that in the maybe pile, but for now I think we'll just step up border security and screen all Sarnungian nationals entering the country."

"OK, should I prepare this new policy for presentation to the cabinet tomorrow?"

"Sure whatever, tomorrow.. go do that. Now if you'll excuse me, these things aren't going to shoot themselves in the face."