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Election in Paradise

Sal Paradise

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Good evening, and welcome to the Sal Paradise 2010 Electoral Debate brought to you by Schvarve Toothpaste, feel the freshness of Schvarve in your mouth, and Nibbleberg’s, home of the Nibblecheeseberg, Sal Paradise’s least deadly hamburger. I’m Herb Gardner your moderator.

Tonight’s format is as follows: as this is the third and last scheduled debate of the campaign, and as the first debate focussed on platforms, the second on questions from the candidates, this debate will focus solely on questions from you, the voters.

Before we begin, allow me to introduce the candidates. On the far left of the stage is the Prime Minister, Esmeralda MacDougal, leader of the Conservative-Liberal Party.

“Good evening.”

To her right is Cardinal Quentin Finnegan, leader of the Christian-Communist Coalition.

“Evening ladies and gentlemen.”

Next to him is Mohammed al Milkman, leader of the Islamo-Fascist Party

“Death to infidels.”

And on the far right is Glenn Beck of the Know-Nothing Party.


OK, candidates, let’s begin the questioning. We’ll start with you Mr al Milkman. There have been concerns about your party’s platform and how it affects the rights of women in Sal Paradise. This question comes from Frances Bird of Sipatau, she asks “under an Islamo-Fascist government, would I have to wear a burka inside my own home?” Mr. al Milkman, how do you respond?

“Under an Islamo-Fascist government you'd be executed for asking that question.”

Thank you, Mr al Milkman. Our next question comes from Joseph Hinton, also from Sipatau, Mr Hinton asks Cardinal Finnegan, “how does your party reconcile the explicit atheism of one half of its ideology with the theism of the other half?” Cardinal?

“Thank you for taking the time to ask your question Mr Hinton. The CCC doesn’t hold modern communist philosophers, such as Marx or Lenin, as the primary sources of communist thought. Communism, we believe, was originally espoused by Jesus of Nazareth and in fact is the intended ideology on which the coming Kingdom of Heaven will be built.”

Thank you Cardinal Finnegan. The next question is for you Mr. Beck It comes from Heather Beck of East Sipatau. Ms Beck asks, “Glenn, can you pick up some butter on your way home?” Mr. Beck?

“Butter? Butter is a kind of fat… an animal.. fat. Evolutionists think we came from animals and that we should act like animals. Animals defecate out of doors, not in toilets. No no! I must not let our country become a toilet… unless that’s what the environmentalists want. They want us all to die in traffic accidents, which are caused by cars, which are made by workers, who are controlled by powerful unions and the international socialist conspiracy.”

Mr Beck will you answer the question?


Is that an answer to my question or an answer to the voter’s question?

“Yes. I mean no… I mean… questions… Socrates asked questions, and they executed him.”

Thank you Mr Beck. The next question is for you Prime Minister MacDougal. It comes from Robert Pinkerton of Sipatau. Mr Pinkerton asks, “the Conservative-Liberal Party has governed the nation for 13 years and crime has risen every year for the past 11 years. If re-elected for a 4th time, what will the CLP do about this?”

“Thank you for your question Mr Pinkerton. I would answer it, but let’s face it, the Christian Communist Coalition and the Islamo-Fascist Party are your only real choices when it comes to controlling crime. Both parties have their own paramilitary wing, both want to establish a secret police and control all aspects of social, political and economic activity in the nation. They call for martial law, brutal punishments for offenders, including the reinstitution of the death penalty, curfews, and the dissolution of our legal system and its replacement with special religion based tribunals. If you want to end crime in Sal Paradise, vote CCC or IFP. If you want liberty, vote Conservative-Liberal.”

Thank you Ms MacDougal. Our final question for the night is directed at all candidates. It comes from Mary Bean, a student at Sipatau Central Elementary School. Miss Bean writes, “Yesterday at lunch Nathan Pollard in Ms. Song’s class wanted to trade his tuna sandwich for my ham and cheese sandwich, but Nathan Pollard has cooties.” We’ll start with you Cardinal Finnegan.

“Well my dear, I’m not sure if that’s a question, but you shouldn’t just be worried about getting cooties from Nathan. All boys have cooties and you should be careful about getting cooties from all of them. Only boys you are married to can’t give you cooties. If you tell your mommy and daddy to vote for me, I’ll make sure you won’t even see another boy at school until you’re 14 and ready for marriage. You also won’t have to worry about your classmates exploiting you with unfair lunch trades because the government will purge your school of all counter-revolutionaries.”

Thank you Cardinal Finnegan. Mr al Milkman, your response?

“Dear little girl, only infidels have cooties. The IFP has a strict death to infidels policy.”

Thank you Mr al Milkman. Next on to you Ms. MacDougal.

“Mary, thank you for your comments. When I was a little girl, I went to Sal Paradise Central Elementary too. I hope you and your family have a great holiday and it isn't spoiled by religious totalitarians coming to power and murdering you in your sleep.”

Thank you Prime Minister. Now finally to you Mr Beck.

“There are no cooties, it's a socialist myth to keep you afraid of interacting with boys, then you won't have any children then the birthrate of the nation will go down and the government will say they need to increase immigration to augment the workforce, and soon there won't be any Mary Bean's in our schools… only Maria Beanitos.”

Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight’s debate. I would like to thank all the candidates for participating and you the viewers for watching. Don’t forget to vote tomorrow. I’m Herb Gardner. Good night.

Edited by Sal Paradise
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OOC: This forum isn't only for CNRP. If it's not an ingame event and it's somewhat CN related it goes in here.

Depends. Usually, non-continuity based rp goes in National RP, which is where this sort of thing belongs. THEN AGAIN, while Fantasy RP is considered strictly for "The Continuity", this is based more on long standing tradition and the mutual mouth-breathing arguments of us old guard folks than any Moderation rule.

TL;DR: Dude, you can post this, but some people won't like it.

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OOC: I felt like writing something, so I wrote something. I don't know how you do things around here, but I know you !@#$%* and moan at each other constantly in CNRP. I'm not interested in playing that game and it doesn't look like there's room for anyone new anyway. Thanks Professor Farnsworth for clearing up that I can post here.

[we take you to the Sal Paradise Broadcasting Corporations's parliamentary election coverage already in progress]

April East:... and with just a dash of tarragon, I think you'll find..

Peter Mansbridge: Sorry to interrupt you April, but we are just getting word from our poll monitoring centre and they're saying the SPBC is ready to call it. The SPBC confirms that the Christian-Communist Coalition has won a plurality of the seats in house of commons and will form the next government, replacing the Conservertive-Liberal Party.

We have some numbers for you.

The CCC has 89 seats in the Commons.

The CLP won 72 seats.

The Know-Nothings with 11

The Islamo-Fascist Party has 2 and there's one independent Charles Cadman of East Sipatau.

A few ridings are still counting ballots, but none of them appear to be close. So we can confirm, once again, that Cardinal Finnegan and the Christian Communist Coalition will head the government of Sal Paradise in 2010. A major political shift, I would say. Thoughts?

David Kaminer: Well Peter, it goes without saying that this is an historic day for Sal Paradise. The Liberals and the Conservatives combined into the CLP 13 years ago when the CCC surged to popularity reducing the Liberal party to a rump, and later the Islamo-Fascists began making headway, with the express purpose of keeping the CCC from power. Now finally, Cardinal Finnegan and his party have broken through.

East: By all accounts, the CCC should have come to power during that election, and probably stayed in power for those 13 years. With all the...

Mansbridge: Sorry to interrupt you again April, but we are receiving word that Prime Minister Esmeralda MacDougal is going to give her concession speech. Let's go over now to Conservative-Liberal headquarters in South Sipatau.

Prime Minister MacDougal: Paradisians, party delegates, I have just received word that Cardinal Finnegan and his party have won the election. This is a dark day for Sal Paradise. The Conservative-Liberal Party has for 13 years defended our nation from the threat of theocracy. For 13 years we watched as these would-be despots inched their way into power taking one seat from the party of democracy after another. Throughout this time, as the only representatives of democracy in Sal Paradise and the last bulwark against tyranny, we have tried to stay true to our principles. Despite the hate-filled and anti-democratic rhetoric coming from Cardinal Finnegan and his fanatical cronies, we have, in the spirit of free speech and the open market of ideas, not contested the legality of the CCC and the IFP in court. We warned the people time and time again of the threat Finnegan posed to the prosperity and liberty of the nation, and most of them have heeded this warning. But the system has finally failed us. The will of the people is not truly reflected in this election result. More people voted for pro-democracy parties than for the CCC, and surely those that didn't vote do not wish to hand-over their freedom to that smarmy thug Finnegan. Only by the eccentricity of our electoral system has the CCC won this election. The Conservative-Liberal Party has been prepared for this for years. We will not accept the results of this election. We will not let our nation's democracy die, and with your help we will stop the coming reign of religious tyranny before it begins by any means necessary. Thank you and good night.

Mansbridge: There you have it. A defiant and short speech from the Prime Minister. Thoughts?

East: Well, I'm not sur...

Mansbridge: Sorry to interrupt, but we're getting a livefeed from CCC party headquarters.

Cardinal Finnegan: Thank you! Thank you! Please. Please. Thank you. OK. Yes. Thank you. My fellow Paradisians and... yes thank you...

Mansbridge: The Cardinal is just calming down the crowd here...

Kaminer: I doubt he's heard the Prime Minister's speech yet. That was hardly a concession speech. What do you think she meant by any means necessary? I must say, that brooch did not match her suit. I hope she fires whoever dresses her.

East: I agree. She's also let her roots come out a bit during this election. It's not very flattering.

Mansbridge: Yes, yes, ah, the Cardinal is ready to speak.

Cardinal Finnegan: My fellow Paradisians, the Lord has blessed us tonight with a most glorious victory! Our great Christian Communist revolution began fifteen years ago with that fiery sermon by the late Cardinal Dixon, "Render Unto Caesar", and has rolled across the country like a Heavenly thunder shaking the foundations of the Sal Paradise corporate-democratic establishment. Election after election we have marched around the walls of our hedonistic democracy, and tonight was our final defiant cry and, my friends, the walls have come down! Tonight we begin a new era; a Christian socialist era. With God on...

Mansbridge: It seems we've lost the Cardinal's signal. We'll try to get it back for you. In the meantime, we'll check in on Mr Beck and his Know-Nothing Party. Mr Beck appears to be in his underpants hurling greased chickens at his supporters. April, how about you tell us about that recipe? You were saying tarragon?

East: Yes, Peter. Well with just a bit of tarragon....

Edited by Sal Paradise
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Early the next morning, Prime Minister MacDougal, under dubious constitutional authority, called an emergency meeting of the Sal Paradise Supreme Court. Although an "emergency" the meeting was not sudden, nor unexpected. For the past decade, the Supreme Court had been working with the Conservative-Liberal Party to, in effect, organize a legal coup d'etat should the Christian Communist Coalition win an election. The Christian Communist Coalition, and the Islamo-Fascist Party for that matter, had been allowed to exist in order to keep up appearances, and to not inflame their movements by offering the greatest gift a state could give to a revolutionary, it's official disapproval. But now things had moved beyond these considerations. The integrity of the democracy was at stake, and the state needed to act to preserve itself. The government presented its case to the sitting justices, who then pretended to debate what was already decided. They broke for a short recess as a matter of protocol, but returned to deliver their verdict 23 hours faster than precedent demanded:

"It is the opinion of the Supreme Court of Sal Paradise that sectarian political parties are made illegal under Article Three of the Constitution of Sal Paradise, which explicitly forbids the union of religious authorities and state authorities and religious tests for office, as well as allows the citizens of the nation the free exercise of religion. After careful consideration the Court has concluded that the political organizations known as the Christian Communist Coalition and the Islamo-Fascist Party, with their explicitly religious ideologies and control by religious authorities, are sectarian political parties and therefore illegal under constitutional law. The members of these organizations have no rights to hold political offices and all votes for candidates fielded by them in the most recent and all previous elections are hereby considered void."

The Supreme Court then heard a second argument from the government asking if the definition of treason laid out in article ten of the constitution should be applied to those impersonating elected officials. The justices discussed the matter and in a similar manner concluded that the article does indeed include that definition.

With the authority of the Supreme Court made on these matters, the Prime Minister issued an executive order calling for the arrest of all CCC and IFP MPs on charges of treason. All party offices and databases would be seized and searched for evidence. All other party officials, members and volunteers would be detained and questioned for their roles in the activities of the traitorous MPs in order to determine whether there was sufficient ground to charge them for treason as well.

Almost as if they were ready the night before, the police in all major municipalities descended upon the homes of party officials, elected MPs and party offices within the hour. All important IFP members were detained without complications, but several CCC members were not in their homes or any where else the police searched that morning. Much to police embarrassment, one important member in particular remained at large, the party leader, Cardinal Finnegan.

Edited by Sal Paradise
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After making his speech on the night of the election, Cardinal Finnegan returned to the party's election war room. Aides and party officials were busy making calls to candidates (both elected and unelected), donors, foreign patrons, the party's paramilitary headquarters and other party offices throughout the country. It was a time for celebration, but not for the middle functionaries of the CCC, only supporters, candidates and leaders. The Cardinal, and Prime Minister-to-be, sat down in his chair and reached for the Scotch he left unfinished before leaving to make his acceptance speech. Several passing aides congratulated him on the speech and the election. He leaned back with his drink and took in the chaos. But this needed repose was short-lived.

"Excuse me sir," a young media consultant interrupted him, "I think you should know that we've received reports that the SPBC didn't air your entire speech. Apparently they had trouble with the live video feed."

"Have you contacted them? Have they any plans to replay it later?"

"We did sir, but they wouldn't give us a definite answer. We're still trying."

"Well of course the government run SPBC would pull something like this. Trouble with the feed my behind. They've given us bad coverage since day one."

"Yes sir, they have."

"When I'm sworn in my first act will be to cut funding to those hedonistic atheist scumbags. Arrest the whole lot of them for debauching the family rooms of the nation with their pornography." The Cardinal was seemingly on the verge of a rousing tirade against the media, but the consultant, though loyal and devout, had more news to relay.

"Yes sir. They'll pay for sure. One more thing," the consultant said affecting a sense of urgency to bring the Cardinal back down to Earth.

"Yes what is it?" The Cardinal held up his empty Scotch glass as the consultant spoke and had it taken away and replaced by two quick and faceless blurs.

"Esmeralda MacDougal's speech was particularly exuberant and defiant. It seems that the Conservative-Liberals have refused to recognize the legitimacy of the election. The claim they are going to quote stop the coming reign of religious tyranny before it begins by any means necessary end quote."

The Cardinal took a sip of his new Scotch, "Of course they will," he said placing the glass on the table, "we're prepared for that as well."


Very early the next morning, as the Justices of the Supreme Court of Sal Paradise were still warm in their beds dreaming of their coming heroic defense of Paradisian democracy, a long black limousine was bouncing down the country road that lead from Cardinal Finnegan's estate to the capital city, Sipatau. Just outside the city limits, the limousine pulled over near a wooded crossroads along side another less conspicuous vehicle. A group of conspicuously dressed priests exited the limousine to chat with the less conspicuous occupants of the less conspicuous vehicle. After a brief exchange, the only inconspicuously dressed man in the conspicuous limousine emerged and joined, as he should, the group to which he truly belonged. The conspicuous and the inconspicuous parted ways, with the limousine continued on into the city to the sudden but expected arrest of its occupants, while the less conspicuous vehicle drove deeper into the words, towards the mountains, the heart of Christian Communist country, and the CCC paramilitary's most fortifiable position.

Edited by Sal Paradise
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