MrTadpole:NEWS. NpOs Commitment to GATO Harm Reduction

[J3rdegree]

MrTadpole from MrTadpole:NEWS here reporting on behalf of the great people of United Tadpoles. We strive to bring the most unbiased and factual news available to planet Bob.

 

HOSTILITIES WANING. A NEW THREAT RISING?

 

There was recently an unprecedented uptick in hostilities towards GATO from the people of NpO. These attacks managed to account for a whopping 4% of all military output from NpO leading to many questions from concerned members of GATO and her allies, especially considering NpOs current status being in active war when military output should be heightened to the maximum.

Seemingly overnight NpO took action to reduce outgoing hostilities towards GATO to 3.8%. We reached out to none other than Electron Sponge of NpO to see what measures were put in place for such a dramatic change. When asked about the decrease in hostilities, he claimed this was due to "perseverance and thoughtful contemplation", a vague answer some may consider dodging the question. Fortunately for my fellow GATOans, E. Sponge has claimed GATO related hostility should reach 0% within a few days! The current decline to 3.33% of NpOs entire military force directed at GATO seems to support this statement.  When pressed further E. Sponge was willing to give us a deep inside view on an alleged "ghosting" issue that is one of many possibilities for these hostilities.

While there was no evidence provided to support these claims, it does seem concerning to an outside observer that 4% of NpOs formidable military force was hijacked by these so called "ghosts". MrTadpole:NEWS will remain committed to reporting on any ongoing "ghost" matters and the potential threat they may pose to planet Bob.

NpO's own JadenStar10 wished to have a personal statement included about these issues. He writes "Skibidi" with no further context. Our field researchers have ceased finding more information about this specific statement citing mental strain associated with cringe exposure.

 

A Sticky Situation on the Mochi Front

We have gotten word from an allied source, who will remain anonymous for their protection, that previously named Electron Sponge has seen dramatic failures across Planet Bob. Namely in his current war against the great nation of Kap Land where four military exploits in a row have lead to failure. We have on the ground reports of approximately $4.5m of "pointy sticks" left behind by E. Sponge. A later venture in to Llamatopia recovered another near $2m in additional pointy sticks. This $6.5m boon for the nation of Kap Land will prove useful in their development as a nation of merely 261 days of age. The social security system of 3982 day old Llamatopia may not be able to support its geriatric residents if losses of this magnitude continue.

 

Washing Machines. Friend or Foe?

We have received (currently unsubstantiated) reports of waching machine related injury in the land of "Triotho". The man involved was rescued due to the shockwave of a nuclear attack shaking the victim free. MrTadpole:NEWS was unable to reach out to the victim due to his later fatal cardiac arrest.

 

The Funnies:

MrTadpole:NEWS holds no responsibility for the content of the funnies section as we believe in free artistic expression. Feel free to submit your funnies to possibly be featured in our next issue!

 

-anonymous contributor

Edited 1 hour ago by J3rdegree
Replacing "of" with proper "if" in final sentence of "A Sticky Situation on the Mochi Front"

[probablymochi]

THIS. This is the news my taxpayers deserve. Thank you for your service, and I truly hope someone does something about these ghosts, it's becoming a trying issue in recent times.  

[Comrade Sauce]

Thoughts and prayers to washing machine man and the GATO denizens, these are interesting times 🙏

[Electron Sponge]

solid first effort

[J3rdegree]

12 minutes ago, Electron Sponge said:

solid first effort

Appreciate the kind words! This means a lot for MrTadpole:NEWS considering the historical high amounts of effort seen from NpO in all they do!

[DavidMustaine]

 

[Gh0s7]

5 minutes ago, J3rdegree said:

Appreciate the kind words! This means a lot for MrTadpole:NEWS considering the historical high amounts of effort seen from NpO in all they do!

I know the community appreciates the diligent efforts of your reporters! Working hard to bring us this vital information, to keep us informed! 

 

Now that we have Polar here, perhaps they might find the time to answer the question directly with how they're reducing this military output and aggression?