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hapapants

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  1. hapapants
    Tires squeeled and screeched as a white pick-up truck pulled up to the police line surrounding Strip Squad. The roaring fire by now was put out, and left were only the soggy remains of the gentlemen's club.
    The driver's door opened, and out stepped a thin, scruffy-haired man. He wore a loose-fitting brown overcoat down to his knees. A close inspection would reveal many patches of coffee-stains - battle scars of the press-room. As he violently opened and closed the driver's door, a coffee mug shattered on the asphalt below. It was barely noticed, as this reporter was transfixed on his notepad.
    He muttered to himself. "This is the big one. This is the biggest story from this town in years. This one's going to put me on the map." His hands slightly shook as he scrawled down anything he could think of.
    "Burning Building."
    "A sea of police and fire trucks."
    "Burn Victims."
    "Chaos."
    "This is going to be great! Great! Great!" He kept scrawling notes, but his hand stopped at the sight of a tall, uniformed officer with blond hair and blue eyes. In a sea of chaos and charcoal, this officer was managing an organized search, directing his subordinates through burnt, wooden remains. The reporter's instincts quickly took over.
    "Officer! Officer!" He approached the building as close as he could, and waved his hand through some caution tape. "Officer!"
    Lt. Starfox looked out of the corner of his eye, seeing a frantic hand waving back and forth. He sighed, and slowly walked towards him.
    "Excuse me sir, we're in the middle of an important investigation." Began Starfox, "I'd like to ask you to step bac-"
    "This is GeniusInc from the Apathy Report. Can you answer some questions for the paper? What happened here? What is being investigated? How did the New Polar Order screw up this time?"
    Starfox was unfazed, and replied back in a firm voice. "Please step back. We will have a press-conference in a couple of hours."
    Genius barked back across the line. "Are you admitting fault for the fire? Is the New Polar Order adopting a policy of burning down civilian homes? Is the -"
    Starfox let out a deep sigh. He closed his eyes and prepared to repeat his words, but was interrupted by an excited voice over his shoulder.
    "Lieutenant! Lieutenant!" An officer ran out from the burnt-out building. "I think we found something! There's something below... boxes! Yeah, lots of boxes!"
    Genius watched the Lieutenant's eyes quickly widen. The once calm and collected Lieutenant was startled and stiffly began moving to the building. His steps paced faster and faster as he broke into a full sprint. While running, he called out behind him.
    "Great work! Now get that press-guy out of here!" The last of these words grew fainter as Starfox disappeared into the wreckage.
    Genius began at once, "What did you find?!"
    He was immediately grabbed by the arm.
    "Do you want to leave here by yourself or in a stretcher?" The officer growled.
    "What did you find?! Are you threatening the press?!" Genius quickly pulled his arm back into his possession. "Is this what Polar has come to!? You will hear from my lawyer!"
    Both men glared at each other before Genius turned back from the police line. The upper right arm of his coat had a black, charcoal-ed handprint. Genius stormed back to his white pick-up truck. The door slammed open and shut. He buried his forehead on the wheel in thought.
    "Something isn't right here." He mumbled to himself. "That Lieutenant wasn't acting normal."
    =====================================================================================
    "This is Sheriff Dajobo speaking. Come in. Lieutenant, Come in."
    "This is Lieutenant Starfox reporting in. The fire is out. Some of the officers are burned, but there are no casualties. We haven't been able to find Sergeant Tywin though."
    "Tywin will be fine. Anyway those !@#$%^&* got away. They pulled away from us on the highway. How are things over there?"
    "The hell? What do you mean fine? One doesn't go missing in a fire and come out fine."
    "Look, just don't worry about it... uh... him. Anyway, did you find anything?"
    "Yessir! Boxes and boxes. They were running quite the operation here. There's enough tech here to buy a top-tier wonder."
    "Attaboy Lieutenant! Now get some rest, I'll call over some transport from HQ. Just sit tight and they'll be over to pick it up in 15 minutes."
    "Don't worry, I'll load it up and drive it to HQ."
    "Nahhhh. You did well, don't push yourself. Get some rest and let someone else do the work."
    "I'm fine Sheriff. Let me take care of it."
    "Get some rest Starfox. It's an order."
    "..."
    "Starfox, hello? Starfox?"
    "I can't let you do that Sheriff."
    "Wait what?"
    "I apologize my dear, but I'll be transporting that tech.."
    "Starfox, is everything ok? Why are you talking in a British accent? Just go home and get some -"
    "Sorry chap. God save the queen."
    [Radio Silence]
    =====================================================================================
    "GODDAMNIT!" Dajabo screamed in his squad-car.
    His thick hands gripped the wheel tighter and tighter. He let go with his right arm and slammed his arm rest, before fumbling for his radio receiver once more.
    "Come in HQ. This is Sheriff Dajobo."
    "Call received. Whats wrong Sheriff?"
    "There's no time. Enact imperial order 47. Immediately."
    "But sir! You can't do that! They aren't ready! It's dangerous! There was only one prototype and it was barely stable - "
    "I don't care. Get the Tywin-bots ready. We have to hunt ourselves a rat."
    =====================================================================================
    Witnesses would remember a peculiar site from that night on Main street . A giant black van raced down the road. The windows were shut, but inside could be heard a blaring anthem:
    God save our gracious Queen
    Long live our noble Queen
    God save the Queen
    Send her victorious
    Happy and glorious
    Long to reign over us
    God save the Queen
    Following it was a white pick-up truck.
  2. hapapants
    "Step on it! Step on it!" Hershey screamed in terror, "They're gaining fast!"
    "I can't help it for now!" said an exasperated Cuba, "Once we hit the open road this baby will pull away!"
    The Red Mustang sped down Main street, with 10 sets of flashing lights in tow. Cuba's hands were beginning to shake. He pumped the breaks and veered onto a side road. The Mustang careened left, overshooting the turn. the right tail of the car clipped a lamp-post before speeding down the road.
    "Can't you !@#$@#$ drive straight?!" Hershey was braced against the mid-armrest of the car. "You may not value your own life, but I swear to god if you take me with you -"
    "Give me some tech." Cuba snarled.
    Hershey looked stunned. "You're in this situation and you want to get high?!?!"
    "Grab the needle and give me the tech woman! I need some to take the edge off! I haven't had any in the last hour.... it will help me drive just give me a damn shot!"
    "You're that addicted huh..." Hershey said blankly. "Whatever, grit your teeth because I only have one arm to do this and the car isn't steady."
    Hershey fumbled through the metal box under her feet. She grabbed a needle and filled it within seconds. With little subtlety, she jammed the needle in Cuba's right arm, quickly injecting the silver solution into his veins. Cuba let out a scream, and his spine shook. The car swerved right, but quickly straightened out.
    Cuba exhaled. His hands were steady, and seemed to melt into the steering wheel.. The world seemed to move slowly around him. His shoulders dropped and he straightened his back.
    "Thank you. Now get that needle out of my arm and we will take care of this mess."
    Hershey noticed the change right away, and quickly withdrew the needle. She opened the window and tossed it outside.
    "Just get us out of here." She muttered, gripping the armrest once again. She closed her eyes, continuously repeating her words.
    "Just get us out of here." She muttered, as the car quickly turned right. She was pushed into the armrest by the turn, but it was a surprisingly gentle force.
    "Just get us out of here."
    She was slowly placed against the back of her seat as the engine roared and the car surged forward. As she opened her eyes, she could see nothing but black on the road ahead of her. The starry sky was no longer drowned out by the pink neon lights. Hershey grabbed the head of her seat and turned around. The pursuit of flashing lights was far into the distance, growing smaller and smaller with every passing second.
    She sank back in her chair and sighed. "I owe you one."
    Cuba was silent, staring at the road ahead.
    "It's just like the old days." Hershey continued. "You were always so good with the wheel..."
    Her voice trailed off as she looked through the passenger window. The desert was pitch black, and the white speckled sky was hypnotizing. After a few minutes, she seemed to spring back to life.
    "So where do we go?" She popped out of her chair assertively. "Your friends live a few hours out of the city, right?"
    "Yeah." Said a stoic Cuba. "We're going to the Doom Cave. Let me text the guys."

  3. hapapants
    Hardcore Lulzists: Part 3


    Ghost and Hershey were crouched under one of the front windows. As the Sheriff shouted over the megaphone, employer and employee stared at each other.
    "Did they change their name from Pacific recently?" Ghost pondered. "That's so strange... why would they change something like-"
    By now, Hershey's face was as red as her hair.
    "You bribed the wrong <censored>'ing Order you dumb <censored>! I pay you to do you job, not to jack off in the back and stick needles into your arms!"
    Ghost expression was blank. He started,
    "Yell at me later, we have more pressing concerns now."
    Hershey's seething anger was quickly subdued, as she acknowledged the danger they were in.
    "We're going to have to abandon this place." she nodded, "I'll get Cuba. Get ready to burn this joint down."
    Hershey ran off towards the back.
    "Cuba!" she shouted, "We gotta get out of here! We're loading as much tech as we can into the car, get going!"
    Cuba was surprised, but nodded compliantly. Hershey continued.
    "Stack as many boxes as you can carry by the side door. We're going to make a run for the car when Ghost gets back."
    Meanwhile, Ghost ran to the bar and fumbled under the counter. He found a pack of cigars, and quickly lit one to steady his hands. As he inhaled the smoke, he began grabbing bottles of liquor and throwing them around the room.
    "I'm almost done!" Yelled Ghost, "Get read-"
    But as he was about throw the last bottle, a black van burst through the stage, rocking the building to it's core. Ghost was thrown off his feet and towards the floor. Wooden shrapnel sprayed across the inside of the building. Hershey and Cuba were thrown into the side wall.
    "!@#$!" Hershey yelled, her right arm tattered and bruised. "Ghost, we need to get out of here!"
    "I'm OK!" Ghost shouted back, "Take Cuba and go!"
    Hershey paused, but burst out the side door a second later, carrying a box in her working arm. Cuba followed with four boxes, barreling down the alley towards the garage door. Out of the broken stage and flying debris, the S.W.A.T. personnel emerged from the black van, spraying the room in bullets. NpO officers simultaneously broke down the front door, swarming into the building.
    The shooting stopped after 10 seconds, and Tywin made his way forward with a megaphone.
    "Attention lulzist fiends!" he started, "If you have survived, our emperor will grace you with his mercy. Please come out slowly and put your hands in the air."
    "I surrender, don't shoot!" Ghost yelled, behind the bar. He waived a white cleaning cloth over the counter, still ducking to avoid the hail of bullets.
    "Hail there you scum!" Tywin yelled. "Come out with your hands in the air! The Honorable Emperor, Djaboo, of the New Polar Order, will accept your surrender!"
    Ghost looked up at the ceiling. He felt a slight warmth on his leg. His cigar too managed to survive the attack, and he quickly took another puff and smiled. It was the first time he had felt anything since his tech addiction robbed him of his feelings years ago. With a quiet sigh, he put his hands in the air, the cigar in his mouth, and walked from behind the counter.
    He turned the bar corner to see hundreds of officers, guns pointed directly his way. He couldn't help but break a smile.
    "Even surrender does not rob you of your lulzist nature I see..." Tywin monologued, "yet fear not, the divine ways of our Emperor will help you see the light. You will see the flaws in your philosophy and come to see the truth of moral-ism and the order. You shall come with us-"
    "I'm not coming with you," Ghost chuckled, "I just wanted to look cool in the end."
    Ghost flicked back his head, his sunglasses rolling down from his hair to his eyes.
    "It's time to sell off some infra."
    "Shoot him!" Screamed Tywin, "Shoot that lulzist scum!"
    Ghost quickly turned, throwing his cigar towards the back of the bar. Any other man would have been stopped by the hail of rifle fire, but Ghost couldn't feel a thing. His body riddled with holes, he watched the cigar sailed though the air towards the back of the bar. He laughed slowly, as warmth slowly gave way to cold.
    A couple of cigar embers quickly roared into a fire, as thousands of dollars of shattered liquor lit up the floor like a candle. First the bar was engulfed, followed by the stage in seconds.
    Tywin watched the fire through his goggles. He stared forlornly.
    "I have failed my emperor..." he muttered. "...I will accept my death."
    Tywin let the blaze overtake him, without so much as an utterance.
    ------------------------------------------------
    Outside, Sheriff Djaboo watched the blaze spread, clenching his binoculars as his officers fled the flame in panic.
    "Call the Fire Department," he screamed, "tell them to bring the copter! We need those sons of <censored> alive!"
    The corner of his eye caught a bright white light. Even through the roaring flame, he could hear the sound of an engine. Out of the alley way burst a bright red mustang. It burst through two cop cars, screeched left, and sped down Main street.
    Djaboo scrambled to his radio.
    "Suspects going down Main! Need 10 cars to pursue! "
    He fumbled for his keys, finally starting the car. As he gave chase, he shouted back towards the panicked scene.
    "Lieutenant Starfox is in charge until I get back!"
    Behind the bright red mustang followed 10 sets of flashing lights, all speeding towards the outskirts of the city.
    -----------------------------------------------
    "Come in Double-O 8. Come in O-O-8. Respond. Come in O-O-8. Respond."
    "This is Agent O-O-8."
    "Where have you been Agent!? You've been off-grid for hours! What is the situation?"
    "Come now C. You can't expect me to be in contact all the time. It would blow my cover darling."
    "Situation report now."
    "Aren't you going to ask me about my day? Surely you must be worried about the well-being of your best agent - "
    "I swear to god Starfo-."
    "Now now C, everything is fine, don't get rash and blow my cover.. It is all going according to plan. Agent O-O-8 out."
    The blond, blue-eyed Lieutenant put down his phone, watching the panicked scene with amusement.
    "Their plan was surprisingly good. I was worried for a minute there..." he chuckled, slowly walking towards the blaze.
    "Well, I suppose it's time we start things up. God save the queen, hail Mi6."
  4. hapapants
    Hardcore Lulzists: Part 1
    Main-street was bathed in pink - hundreds of neon signs flashed in every direction, all beckoning potential customers in this gambling town. This was truly a city of sin, with casinos and clubs all competing to part men with their money.
    "STRIP SQ_AD" read the neon sign on one such establishment - at the corner of Main and 5th. It was one of many seedy "gentlemen's clubs" in the area. It would have been indistinguishable on any other night. But tonight, a bright red, polished mustang roared down the street. It made a sharp left turn into the alleyway, parking in the garage at the back. The engine shut off, and out walked a large figure in a black overcoat. He carried a large metal suitcase in his left hand.
    A smaller woman burst out of the side alley-way door. Her fiery red hair and eyes matched the color of the car, and her eyes lit up as she locked onto the man in black. She was dressed in white, business casual attire - an unusual sight for a woman at such a place.
    "Cuba Q! Welcome welcome!" She smiled warmly, "Please, come inside! I have much to show you!"
    "It's a pleasure as always Hershey," said the man in black. "You're as beautiful as always."
    Cuba bent down and gave her a peck on the cheek. A smiling Hershey grabbed his arm, and the size-mismatched couple hurried inside.
    A wall of noise greeted them at the door. Dance music blared in a room full of men and scantily clad women. The men all stood around the main stage cheering and tossing their salaries towards the poles. Neither Cuba Q nor Hershey seemed interested in this scene, as they walked toward a room in the back.
    A door behind the corner bar led to a small room. The only amenities were a desk, two chairs, and an escape from the noise. Cuba sat down and laughed.
    "I'm always amazed that a woman can run a place like this."
    "Cut the small-talk," snapped back Hershey, "you know why we're here. You said you can't pay in cash. What gives?"
    "Fine fine." muttered Cuba, as he fumbled for a key in his pocket, "We've been doing business for quite a while. I want to set up a new deal."
    "What, is 6/100 not good enough for you?" snarled Hershey.
    "Just wait until you see this..." Cuba found the key, and slowly opened the case. The inside was lined with rows of diamonds.
    Hershey looked stunned, mesmerized by the glitter of the gems.
    "Oh my god..." she whispered, "how much are you looking to buy?"
    "All of it." said Cuba, "Provided it's high quality."
    "Only the highest quality," replied Hershey, slowly regaining her composure. "Let me show you a sample."
    Hershey bolted outside the room, returning in seconds with a metal box. Here, take a look. She opened the lid.
    "This is the highest quality tech you can find. Take a sample. Taste it. It's from Columbia, made and purified entirely with the finest child labor in South America. It doesn't get better than this-"
    She was interrupted by a knock on the door.
    "It's me, Ghost!" said an urgent voice from the other side. "The Order is out front!"
    "What!?" Hershey shouted, "I thought we paid them off?"
    "We did!" answered Ghost. "I don't know what's going on!"
    "Cuba, stay here!" said Hershey, as she ran into the main room. The music was off, and customers were apprehensive as sirens and lights blared outside.
    "Girls, get the customers out of here! The basement path will lead you five blocks down the street. Get the hell out of here while we fix this mess." Naked women and confused men slowly funneled towards a door behind the stage. Within minutes, the once bustling room was empty. Hershey slowly walked to the front, ducked down, and took a peek through the corner of the window.
    Outside were rows of flashing lights and police cars, labeled "N.p.O."
    Will Hershey and Cuba get out of this mess?
    What are the motives of the "N.p.O."?
    Find out in Part 2, coming tomorrow @ 8pm server!
  5. hapapants
    Part 1:
    http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?/blog/925/entry-4186-hardcore-lulzists-part-1/
    Hardcore Lulzists: Part 2

    The streets once bathed in pink were quickly overwhelmed in a sea of flashing blue lights. One-hundred cruisers and three-hundred uniformed men swarmed around the corner, taking up positions up-and-down the street.
    Out of the sea of uniforms, a burly, bald man slammed a car door and walked to the front of the formation. He was not a tall figure, but he was extremely well built. His thick stature made him stand out from the rest of his blue-uniformed companions. As he was handed a megaphone, he seemed uncomfortable - a feeling exacerbated by a uniform a few sizes too small.
    "This is Sheriff Djaboo of the N.p.O. You are under arrest for the illegal distribution of tech. We have you surrounded. Please come out with your hands in the air."
    Inside the building, Hershey furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "N.P.O.?!" She shouted back, "The <censored>, I thought we made peace with you guys-"
    He was cut off by a visibly frustrated Dabjoo.
    "It's lower-case 'p' you <censored>!" he screamed back.
    The sheriff quickly snapped his head to his officers.
    "They probably won't go peacefully, get ready to storm the front."
    The 300 NpO officers were silent. A couple of heavy sighs were heard, but all were prepared to do their duty. Rifles were brought forward, firing positions were taken, and armored personnel quietly approached the face of the old strip-club. Djaboo briskly walked to the back of the firing line.
    "Where's the S.W.A.T. commander?" He barked.

    A man head-to-toe in body armor rushed up to Djaboo. His face and other distinguishing features were covered by his helmet and goggles, yet the less-armored portions of his body seemed unusually thin for a professional.
    "S.W.A.T. commander Tywin present, my Emperor."
    He folded his arm under his chest and deeply bowed his head.
    "I am ready serve you my lord. We will punish and purge these haute-lulzists who sow the seeds of such chaos and destruction in our city. We will purge the forces of parasitism from-"
    Djaboo let out an angry grumble.
    "For the last time Sergeant, I am NOT your Emperor," he growled, "I am your superior officer. You will address me as 'sir' or 'Sheriff,' understand?"
    "Sir, yes, Emperor sir!" shouted Tywin, almost fanatically, as he knelt to the ground.
    "Oh for <censored>'s sake..." muttered Djaboo. "Whatever. Start the operation Sergeant."
    Tywin bowed his head. At a quick motion of his hands, seven fully-armored S.W.A.T. personnel all quickly packed into a black-armored van. Tywin quickly jumped into the back, and the van slowly crawled away from the building.
    Sheriff Djaboo sat behind the barricade of police cars, scoping the scene through his pair of binoculars. A tall, blue-eyed officer approached him from the side.
    "Sherrif, are you sure it's OK to entrust this operation to Sergeant Tywin?"
    "Oh, Lieutenant Starfox. Don't worry about it. The Seargent may be a bit... unusual... but he has his talents... excuse me for a minute..." muttered Djaboo, as he returned to his binoculars, "...just start the operation when Tywin is in position."
    The young Lieutenant bore a worried look on his face, as he returned to his squad car. He looked down the street, and saw the black van in position, 300 meters down the street from the side of the building. Starfox picked up the radio receiver.
    "Start the operation, impact in 10 seconds. God help the New Polar Order."
    The street was silent except for the sound of an ignition. The lights of the black van flickered on, and it screeched to a start. The lumbering 3-ton vehicle reached 25 miles-per-hour as it careened towards the side-wall of the building.
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