Damacious Defense, Army Memo

[Markus Wilding]

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen, please take the time to study the above image and know where to stock up and report to in the case that war should come to our homeland.

The thin black line is a series of trenches, anti-tank emplacements, and general anti-infantry defenses. The thick black lines are turret positions, including 155mm artillery for destroying oncoming tanks and APCs. The small black dots are munitions depots and supply dumps. The larger black dots are ammo reserves and naval bases. The crosses are anti-air emplacements.

Thank you, and keep this message for future reference.

*General Army memo, classified to Army High Command*

Gentlemen of the High Command, I, in conjunction with General Matthew R. Curtis have begun assessing the military strength of Damacious, and we have reached a startling conclusion.

It is our belief that the average Damacious infantryman can't hit the broad side of a barn - and that's WITH an ACOG!

Gentlemen, there is a need for serious improvement in our army. Our soldiers are lazy, unmotivated, disrespectful, never follow orders and are in a "we're average and we don't care" trance, and have no hope of snapping out of it until serious improvement is made.

I reccomend long training sessions effective immedietly, and sincerely hope you will take the above statements into account.

Thank you for your time,

Signed,

Matthew R. Curtis, General of the Army

Lucas Hope, Vice President of Damacious

Edited November 25, 2009 by N Reeki

[Executive Minister]

OOC: 55mm artillery will do jack against dedicated Armoured fighting vehicles. Unless you mean 155mm artillery, or 55mm autocannons.

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

OOC: You can train with me. My army is 34,000 lightly trained soldiers and 100,000 reserves. We're basically at the same level as you

[Markus Wilding]

OOC: 55mm artillery will do jack against dedicated Armoured fighting vehicles. Unless you mean 155mm artillery, or 55mm autocannons.

OOC: D'arvit, I was afraid of that. Fixed.

OOC: You can train with me. My army is 34,000 lightly trained soldiers and 100,000 reserves. We're basically at the same level as you

OOC: Will lulz ensue?

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

OOC: D'arvit, I was afraid of that. Fixed.

OOC: Will lulz ensue?

OOC: Of course

Remember the old equation: Idiots+guns=lulz

Edited November 25, 2009 by KaiserMelech Mikhail

[Markus Wilding]

Gentlemen of the High Command, we have searched our databases and found that the Marscurian Army in Pakistan has an army at nearly the same level as ours. We have put in a request to either send our forces there or their forces here, whichever they prefer. In any case, we need to cherrypick the laziest, most unruly soldiers we have and send them to hell. Below is a list of some of those soldiers.

Godspeed, gentlemen.

Pvt Jake L. Doyle

Cpl Jayden S. Austin

SSGT Connor D. McDonald

PFC Aidan M. Holt

Sgt Adam Z. Bentley

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

To: Damacious High Command

From: Capt. Mehmed Alzurri, Marscurian Pakistani Army

We would be honored to train with you. We have a distinct batch of soldiers who could use some manning up as well. Our country would be an ideal place for some hardcore boot camp. There's nothing like trekking through a desert in the morning and a freezing mountaintop at night. You may land your troops at TriCities International Airport. We will be waiting for you.

[Markus Wilding]

The 5,000 men have been sent.

*Fast-forward*

"Bloody hell, hot out here eh?"

"It'll get pretty cold in a minute. Get yer gear, Gogogo!"

"We're going, we're going! Don't get yer knickers in a twist..."

"These are the new guys, the ones we told you about. SSGT. McDonald will be leading this rag-tag group of scum we call an army."

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

The group came upon Capt. Alzurri, who was yelling at 1,000 of the least disciplined ROTC and OTC cadets he could muster.

"Get off the ground NOW," the captain yelled at a cadet who was lying on the ground, "I don't care if your daddy's a millionaire or whatever the hell you are! You will stand up NOW!" He turned around to see the new arrivals. "Ah, you must be from Damacious." He ordered them onto waiting MP army trucks. After driving for a little over an hour, they made it to the desert that stretched across the Western Territories. Walking around to where the men were sitting, Alzurri opened the canvas and gave the cadets an evil grin. "Every out!" he yelled. He walked over to SSGT. McDonald, who was standing next to one of the trucks. "Now," Alzurri said to him, "let's see who's up for a little jog?"

Edited November 26, 2009 by KaiserMelech Mikhail

[Markus Wilding]

"Err, none of us?" The Damacious drill sergeant (who also tagged along for the lulz) said "You WILL get out there and you WILL run! You pansies aren't getting a break here. This ain't Damacious, men. This. Is. MARSCURIAN PAKISTAN!!!! GET UP AND GO!" He yelled, and that got hem going. Some lagged behind a bit, but a swift smack upside the head quickly got them in gear. "Keep running till I'm not embarrased to look at ye!"

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

Looking at McDonald, who was chasing a particularly hefty lad and kicking him repeatedly in the butt, Alzurri knew there was a better way. He ran after McDonald and pulled him aside. "My good man, running after cadets is so uncivilized. I have a better way for us to get them into shape. They're going to be running for a long time, and I can't have us tired out." It had been several minutes since any of the cadets had seen their drill instructors, and many began to walk or simply stop moving. That was a bad idea on their part, as they were horrified to see the two men blazing towards them on ATV's, wielding yard sticks. "Alright," Alzurri said, "remember the rules. If you hit a stander's butt, it's one point, a walker is three, and it's five points if you break the stick. May the best man win!"

[Markus Wilding]

"Hey, Jake, where'd the sergeants go?" Jake looked behind him, slowed down a bit and yelled "They've got ATVS and yardsticks! RUN!" Jake was instantly hit with McDonald's stick. "Got one! 3 points fer me!" Jake and the other soldiers looked at each other in bewilderment. "What the bloody 'ell's going on here, Sarge?!" McDonald ignored them and kept going. "If this is their way of gettin' us in shape, it's working!" McDonald smacked a couple more and yelled "Alzurri! How many points ye have? I'm totalling in the 30's!"

[AironthFlamewing]

OOC: lulzy

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

"I'm at 37! I think this definitely helped," Alzurri said, holding up five snapped yardsticks. "How much further should we make them run," he yelled over to McDonald, "I was thinking three more miles."

[Markus Wilding]

"How about three and a half fo fun?" Alzurri grinned and McDonald snapped another yardstick. He grabbed another and yelled "Keep going maggots!"

After another three and a half miles, everyone was worn out - except Alzurri and McDonald. "Aww, look at dem. I dink dey're tiyurd." McDonald faked sympathy and chuckled a bit. "Any more torture we can put these maggots through?"

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

"Well, it's a six mile walk back to the trucks," Alzurri said. He took a quick look at his watch. "Ah, 5:00, the sun will be setting soon," he said. He got on his ATV and drove to the center of the group of exhausted soldiers. "Alright, listen up boys," he shouted, "It's a six mile walk back to the trucks, and the sun will be setting soon. Your two choices are to high-tail it back or freeze to death. Your choice." As they drove back, Alzurri and McDonald passed groups of cadets rubbing their butts. Bending over, Alzurri pulled a fairly large splinter out our one cadet's right cheek. Amazingly, all the cadets managed to crawl back to the trucks. The last one scraped back at midnight, severely dehydrated and threatening to sue. "Alright, we're moving out," Alzurri said, "it's going to be a bumpy ride, I hope you can all sleep sitting up." The trucks drove through the night, and when they arrived in the morning, the men were in the foothills of the Hindu Kush. "Think our boys are up for a hike," Alzurri said to McDonald.

[Markus Wilding]

"Doesn't matter if they are, they're doing it anyway." McDonald stepped in front of the soldiers, and one from Damacious screamed out "Sarge, I dunno about those pompus twits," he waved a hand over to the Marscurian ROTCs "but I think we've had enough of these bloody drills. Can't we go home?" McDonald chuckled, then said "None of you are going home... at least, not till I'm not embarrased to look at ya. Six miles. Considering you ran over eight and a half yesterday shouldn't be too hard on yer knees. Oh, and one more thing." McDonald began handing out packs to his men. "You're all going to have full gear, unlike yesterday when you only had your gun and a canteen." The cadets looked dumbfounded, fiddling around with their packs. At least, until McDonald yelled "Well, what're you waiting for, a bus?!! GO!" McDonald got on his ATV again, picked a yardstick up and said, "The game's afoot, Alzurri."

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

Alzurri got on his vehicle, with its fresh supply of yardsticks and immediately smashed on a chunky cadet's rear end. The truth was, there was nothing hilly about the foothills. They more resembled small mountains, with gorges, steep edges and the occasional rockslide. Running through a pass between the hills, the cadets were being followed slowly by the trucks. "Well, I don't think we have a return run, do we," a cadet yelled to Alzurri. "No we don't," Alzurri yelled back, "Oh, and Jimmy..." Alzurri snapped another yardstick right on his butt. "McDonald, we need to hurry this up," Alzurri yelled, "its already 2:00 and we still have half way to go. I don't want to be stranded in the pass overnight. Oh, and by the way, I'm at 23!"

[Markus Wilding]

"Bollocks! I've only hit 14! HALT!" The marching castastrophe stopped dead in it's tacks. Some fell over and got a free yardstick slap. "Alright. You morons feel you're good enough to take on the real reason we're here?" A couple resplyed with a surly yes. "Since we're feeling nice to you today, we're off to the range. After that, maybe you'll be lucky enough to get a real dinner. Get in the trucks, and do keep the safetys on. I don't want to lie to your momma about how smart you are. GO!" McDonald watched them get in, then said to Alzurri, "Best thing we can do for em, I think. Nothing better to relieve some rage than by shooting a gun."

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

"McDonald," Alzurri said, "unleashing rage is not so good right now. You know, because WE'RE the ones they're angry at. Hell, I replaced their bullets with crayons because I don't trust them. But, if you think they're ready." The closest firing range was in Islamabad, and it would be hours before they got there. It was up to the drill instructors do make those hours miserable. Getting on the radio, Alzurri went one by one, asking questions about Marscurian Pakistan, and McDonald did the same with Damacious. Any soldier who did not answer a question correctly had to do 10 push ups when the trucks arrived at the firing range. At the range, the troops did their necessary push ups, with numbers ranging from 0 to 110. Finally, when everyone was done, the shooting was about to begin. Alzurri and McDonald came out in every piece of body armor they could find, in case some of the soldiers decided to "miss." "Alright," Alzurri screamed, "this'll go in alphabetical order! Up first, Achmed Aardvark, you lucky !@#$%^&, get over here. You get 15 bullets, and you need to hit 100 points. If you don't, you run a lap around the facility and get back in line until you do. Begin!"

Edited November 29, 2009 by KaiserMelech Mikhail

[Markus Wilding]

Achmed took his MPAR and aimed downrage. As soon as he shot off one round, McDonald yelled "NONONO, YOU MORON! Fire aiming down your SIGHTS, not from the HIP you worthless peice of crap!" Achmed tried again and this time actually hit something. After his 15 rounds were up, Alzurri totalled pu the points - 99. "Run! Alright, Ethan Ashton, you're up!" Ethan picked his L86 up and started to put a drum in until McDonald stopped him. "You won't be needin' this. You got 15 rounds in that magazine. Make 'em count." Ethan aimed downrange and managed ot make a hundred. "NIce job, now go an' sit in the corner, eh? I'll take yer gun, no need to tire lil' ol' Ethan out." This went on for a couple of hours, and until nightfall. "Alright, you all get a break. Those of you that got a hundred, get to the bunkers. Those that didn't, you get to set up some tents to sleep in. G'night, ladies."

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

"Is that people who got 100 the first time, or people who just got 100," a cadet asked. That was quickly met with a whack upside the head by Alzurri. "What do you think, numbskull," he said. After everyone had gone to sleep, McDonald and Alzurri went to the officer's area. Throughout the night, laughing could be heard coming from the room. "Ha Ha Ha, I think we made a couple of them actually cry," Alzurri said, "I think this is working out great. Pass the turkey." Yes, while the cadets slept in the dirt or in straw-filled matresses, the officers were living like kings. "Tell you what, old sport," Alzurri said, passing McDonald a clipboard, "why don't you decide what we do tomorrow." On the list, a few things were checked off, mainly running and shooting, but almost a dozen approved (and 8 unapproved activities Alzurri had written at the bottom) remained unchecked. "I'm quite partial to approved #12," Alzurri said.

"Climb the tallest mountain in the Hindu Kush?" McDonald said.

"However, I would love to do my #4"

"Have the cadets do tag team wrestling against a bear and snow leopard. Where do you come up with this," McDonald asked.

"I get bored easily," Alzurri said, "go on, take your pick."

[Markus Wilding]

"I'd love to see the looks on their faces when we tell them we're gonna have them wrestle bears and snow leopards. " He checked it off for tomorrow and said "Nice meat. Pass the potatoes, would you?"

The recruits in the bunkers were given a - rather rude awakening compared to the ones outside. McDonald raised a cymbal above one of their heads - which also was next to a microphone, complete with an amplifier. "Three, two, one..." Instantly and with a loud crash - thankfully McDonald and Alzurri had hearing protection - the recruits were wide awake and wondering who had attacked Marscury. "GET OUT THE DOOR! ASSEMBLE THIS INSTANT! GOGOGO!"

And minutes later they were outside, a little bit tired but still awake. "Alzurri, would you like the honors?"

[Markus Wilding]

OOC: Bump for Mikhail

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

OOC: Bump for Mikhail

OOC: Thank you. Saved me a lot of digging.

IC: "Soldiers, today you will be wresting bears and snow leopards," Alzurri said, trying to hold the staightest face he could, "this will weed out the strong from the weak, and by weak, I mean a person who cannot survive a claw to the jugular." Looking around, Alzurri saw at least 13 cadets who he swore had just pooped in their pants. "Now unfortunately for the two of us," he said, pointing to himself and McDonald, "we ran into some red tape. It seems that both bears and snow leopards are endangered species in this country, and doing this could land us all in jail. So I'm going to design teams. Anyone who's last name begings with A-L, you are a bear, if your name ends with M-Z, you are a snow leopard. Now get up on the trucks you chicken-livered maggots, we have a long ride coming up. Fair to say, you may not see the sun for a while." Once all the cadets were on the trucks, Alzurri zipped up the canvas backs and walked over to McDonald. "We can't ruin the surprise," he said.

The trucks drove for two days straight, stopping only to pass out food and go to the bathroom. When they stopped, the canvas backs were ripped open, temporarily blinding the cadets. When they exited, they were in the flats, outside of Mietonka, the location of the still under-construction stadium. "You will spend your time here," Alzurri said, "until we have a champion." He then gave McDonald a small bag with an outfit to put on. "Meet back here in 10 minutes," Alzurri said. When the 10 minutes were up, the troops were back with their rifles and bayonettes, and Alzurri and McDonald appeared with Caesar outfits, complete with laurel wreaths and sandals. They took their spots in a makeshift booth styled to look like something out of the colliseum in Rome. "First challangers step forth," Alzurri yelled. A massive soldier from Damacious and was met with a pipsqeak from a MP ROTC. "Sucks to be you," Alzurri said, "now, let's go over the rules. You fight until one of you is down. If we give a thumbs up, you get to go, if we give a thumbs down, you are met with the butt of a rifle in a very unpleasent place. Either way, you're out. Begin!"

Edited December 5, 2009 by KaiserMelech Mikhail