Le Poutine

[Pikachurin]

Le Poutine is a popular Disparuean satirical newspaper. The newspaper is currently owned by Richard Touré, who is also it's editor-in-chief. Le Poutine currently boasts a print circulation of 251,000 within Disparu.

Articles:

• Government announces the opening of free, all-you-can-eat dessert buffet all over Disparu, also they're suspending the Charter of Freedoms and Rights (and other news...)
  
• Curious package found outside Jubilivian Chancellery
  
• Pikachurin is not amused, as usual, Forget it, it's hopeless, New Government Policies
  

(OoC: Le Poutine will be similar to The Onion, though the articles will probably be less funnier . The news articles featured here will either be fictional or be a parody of a real news article in CNRP. I'll try to focus most of the articles on my own RP, but I might occasionally feature something from another RP.)

Edited July 17, 2010 by Pikachurin

[Pikachurin]

Pikachurin is not amused, as usual

PokéParliament is still in trouble...

Several hours ago, His Royal Majesty Pikachurin, the Imperial Tyrannical Socialist Despot of the Federation of Disparu and CEO of the PokéGovernment of PokéDisparu, gave his traditional Speech from the PokéThrone in front of the convened Disparuean PokéParliament. Pikachurin, as usual, began his speech by stating how all government members were "totally useless", or at least that's what his translator said.

"Pikapi pikapi Kachu chu Pika, pi-i-chuuuu-chu Pi-pika-pika-pi Piii, Chu chu pikachu pika-pi pii-pika-chu chu piikaa ka piikaa pikapi chuuuu! Ka kaaa chu Chuuu chuuuu, Kaaa pikachu Pika-pi-kaaa-chu pikachu pika-chu piii ka Pikachu Pi ka Pi-ka-chu chuu-piika! Kaaa Pika pikapi Kachu pi pi-chu-chu-pi-kaaa-chu ka Pikaa-pipi Kachu kachu Piikaa Pika-pi Ka Pika-pi Pikaa piikachu! Pii-chuuuu piii pika-pika Pikapi-chuu chu pi-kaaa-chu, pipi Pi kachu Chu pikachu piikachu pikachu Pika Ka pii pikachu!" shouted Pikachurin from his gigantic PokéThrone.

His translator, who was shackled to the floor, quickly provided a translation. "Uh...he, uh, said that he isn't glad that you continue to perform your duties horribly even though he told you to work harder. He also says that he doesn't like the fact that you gave billions of dollars to a housing project instead of giving it away to the video game industry. And finally, he's daring anyone - anyone - to challenge his orders."

One Member of Parliament enthusiastically followed Pikachurin's last PokéOrder. The MP stood up from his seat and told our dear leader that he was a "tyrant that should be disposed of immediately" and that he was doing Disparu "more harm than good". Six more MPs followed suit, and began to read a list of Pikachurin's errors and mistakes. They were promptly electrocuted on the spot by Pikachurin's ThunderBolt after finishing their tirade, bringing the total number of deaths by electrocution in PokéParliament from seven to thirteen.

Pikachurin immediately left the PokéParliament Building as soon as he finished his PokéSpeech and listened to the complaints and praises of more MPs.

Forget it, it's hopeless...

The Rocket Brigade, the "secret" organization attempting to bring Pikachurin down and restore justice to Disparu, has stated that the future of Disparu is looking "yellow, bleak and hopeless". The Rocket Brigade is well known for it's 700+ creative attempts to detain Pikachurin, all of which failed miserably. "Forget it, it's hopeless!" shouted the Brigade's leader, James. "We've done everything in our power to capture him, and we've failed. Go back to your Government-controlled lives, those who thought that we could do it. We're surrendering ourselves to the PokéGovernment!"

The PokéGovernment has stated that the Rocket Brigade will be punished for doubting our dear leader by being blasted into the sky by an electric cannon several times, before being thrown into prison.

New Government Policies

Pikachurin has announced several new policies that will take effect over the next few minutes. First off, English and French have been stripped of their "official language" status, and has been replaced by Pikalish. Within the next few minutes, all public institutions such as schools and libraries will be burning their French/English literature and replace them with books translated to Pikalish. All citizens will also be required to learn, speak, read and write Pikalish or else. And the PokéGovernment means it!

[Pikachurin]

[b]Curious package found outside Jubilivian Chancellery[/b]

[center][url="http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii55/LT_imageserver/lolpackage.png"][img]http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii55/LT_imageserver/th_lolpackage.png[/img][/url]
[i]The package, still unopened.[/i][/center]

An odd package was recently found by a gardener outside the Jubilivian Chancellery, the official residence of the Disparuean Chancellor. The gardener, who is currently one of the Chancellery's staff, reported that he found the package next to him after he felt something hit his head.

"I was just watering the tulips over there when I felt something rough and heavy hit the side of my head." said the gardener, who wished to remain anonymous, during an interview with [i]Le Poutine[/i]. "The next thing I knew, there was a package lying next to me. It probably came from directly above me. Now that I think about it, the window just above me was broken, and I could hear someone screaming. A woman, probably." he continued.

It should be noted that the window above the place where the package was discovered was a hallway used to access the Chancellor's office, which could mean that the screaming woman who threw the package out was Cynthia Celeste herself. This is further supported by the fact that "TO: CYNTHIA CELESTE, CHANCELLOR OF DISPARU" was written on the upper-left side of the package, and the fact that the package was thrown from the Chancellery.

This isn't the first time that Cynthia Celeste momentarily lost her temper. During the 2010 Disparuean election debates, she personally decapitated the other participants of the debate (who were the leaders of Disparu's main federal political parties) out of rage when she was outsmarted by one of the party leaders. As the parties were unable to find a replacement for their deceased leaders in time for the election, Celeste and the Empire party won by default.

The package was handed to [i]Le Poutine[/i]'s forensics experts. Our experts, after much research and observation, have reported that the package contained a note that said "o hai", as well as an entire box of condoms. A tricolour flag bearing the colours of yellow, black and red was also found in the packaging. Our experts are currently trying to figure out the user of the flag, however, they have predicted that it might be used by Celeste herself.

"At the top of the flag is yellow, which is coincidentally the Chancellor's hair colour. At the middle is black, which also happens to be the main colour of Celeste's dress. And at the bottom is red, which happens to be the official colour of the Empire Party. Coincidence? I think not." stated one of our experts.

No one in our team has a clue as to why a box of condoms bore the Chancellor's flag, nor do we have a clue as to why the Chancellor threw it out of her official residence. Stay tuned as we unveil the secrets of the package.

(OoC: http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=79966&view=findpost&p=2157624 )

Edited February 5, 2010 by Pikachurin

[loannes]

[quote name='Pikachurin' date='04 February 2010 - 03:14 AM' timestamp='1265253271' post='2157806']
Article
[/quote]

OOC: Epic win

IC: King James chuckled in his office and wondered if CSN was back in it's game.

[JEDCJT]

OOC: Love this thread

[Pikachurin]

[quote name='Drakedeath' date='03 February 2010 - 10:32 PM' timestamp='1265254378' post='2157839']
OOC: Epic win
[/quote]
[quote name='JEDCJT' date='04 February 2010 - 09:29 PM' timestamp='1265336979' post='2160067']
OOC: Love this thread
[/quote]
OoC: Thank you.

[Subtleknifewielder]

Among the tabloids of Australia, surprisingly enough, this was rapidly proving to be a competitor to be reckoned with.

[Pikachurin]

[quote name='Subtleknifewielder' date='04 February 2010 - 10:20 PM' timestamp='1265340018' post='2160155']
Among the tabloids of Australia, surprisingly enough, this was rapidly proving to be a competitor to be reckoned with.
[/quote]

[i]Le Poutine[/i] would immediately begin to print more copies of the current issue in order to meet the demand in Australia.

[Jordosaur94]

The paper was surprisingly popular in the Reich, especially to younger citizens, and those who had relatives living in Disparu.

[Pikachurin]

[b]Government announces the opening of free, all-you-can-eat dessert buffet all over Disparu, also they're suspending the Charter of Freedoms and Rights[/b]

[center][IMG]http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii55/LT_imageserver/IceCream2.png[/IMG]
[i]Go ahead, grab a spoonful. It's free, and Government-sponsored.[/i][/center]

In an unexpected move, the Government has announced that it will be opening free, all-you-can-eat dessert buffets in every single city, town and settlement all over Disparu. The dessert buffets will offer a wide range of desserts from different nations, will be tax-funded, and is accessible to valid citizens, permanent residents and refugees residing in Disparu. On a minor note, the Government will be suspending the Charter of Freedoms and Rights.

"You see, with the recent terrorist acts against the Disparuean people, we realize that everyone's demoralized." said Legislative Triumvir Paul Berlitz as he wrapped a friendly arm around [i]Le Poutine[/i]'s reporter. "That's why we're offering free desserts to Disparueans! Isn't that great! They'll be able to satisfy their sweet cravings, plus they'll be happier with their lives!" he continued as he offered a plate of chocolate-coated strawberries topped with whipped cream and a slice of a strawberry. "Also, we're suspending the Charter of Freedoms and Rights to expedite the terrorists' capture and destruction."

So far, the Government's new move has been applauded by most members of the public. "Even though they seem to be doing nothing, it's still good to know that they still care about us." said a local Eterna resident as she took a bite out of a delicious bar of luxurious milk chocolate. "There's so much to eat that I don't know where to start!"

The move was also criticized by some critics, who called it "insane" and "unconstitutional".

[center][IMG]http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii55/LT_imageserver/FauxChart.png[/IMG][/center]

"Take a look at this chart I made in Microsoft Office." said controversial, self-proclaimed religious person, and independent right-wing politician Edwin Collins during an interview with [i]Le Poutine[/i]. "As you can see, I'm the only one who voted against this idiotic move. I, the only rational head in the Commons, was unfortunately beaten by the other 449 socialist atheist Members of Parliament. You should also note that the Senate, also composed of socialist atheists, unanimously voted on passing this move. Anyways, I don't like this since, by opening millions of 'free buffets' and giving away free desserts, the Government is becoming more socialist, and will most likely bankrupt itself by the end of the year. I mean, come on, they're giving away chocolates that's fit for royalty for God's sake! As for the suspension of the Charter of Freedoms and Rights, I believe that-oh my God this cake is so !@#$@#$ delicious! You have to !@#$@#$ try some of it!"

Though most of the nation's top economists are disagreeing with the move on an economic scale, they have still applauded it for attempting to resolve social issues, such as cravings and nervousness.

[b]In other news...[/b]

[list]
[*][b]Shocking poll reveals that the majority thinks that the Monarchy is failing its duties.[/b] The results of a recent poll operated by the Ministry of Statistics and Registration has revealed that nearly 92% of the population thinks the Monarchy is failing its duties to the Government, and ultimately to the people. "I have to agree with the results, to be frank." said an average Disparuean during a street interview. "The Monarchy's supposed to be an oppressive, tyrannical, sadistic, fear-mongering, power-hungry entity that scares the people and robs them of their possessions. Instead, our so-called Monarchy is extremely benevolent, humble and tries to help Disparueans a lot. What the hell is that about?" Shinku Cinquette, the Royal Clerk and spokeswoman for the Monarchy, is yet to release a statement about the poll's results.
[*][b]Ministry of Religion, Supernatural Phenomena and Superstitions (MoRSPS) not sure what to do.[/b] After a gigantic wheel was turned to determine Disparu's state religion of the month, officials from the MoRSPS were left dumbstruck when the arrow attached to the wheel pointed towards a boundary between two religions, Haruhiism and Albaism. "We don't know what to do." said an anonymous official for the Ministry. "There's no precedent, court ruling, constitutional amendment or executive policy on what to do when this happens. We never had to deal with this before, since the arrow always pointed at a slice with a religion in it, not the small boundaries between them." The Judicial Triumvir, Jack Chiron, and the Supreme Court have announced that they will be studying the situation and will determine the best course of action.
[/list]