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The War In My Pants




My brains have declared war on each other today. That sweet lithe young morsel named Cindy that helps me teach my kindergarten classes is the source of my two brain discord. Cindy, a 24 year old Chinese woman, makes sure the little people don't run so out of control that I have to beat them down with a large stick. She does this magical feat of herding little people with grace, style, and poise.

I've never heard her raise her sweet lilting voice.

I've never seen her glare at the little ones.

I've never seen her be anything less than positive and helpful in my efforts to teach kindergarteners English.

So here my brains are at battle. The brain up top is screaming, "Dear god man! She's 10 years younger than you, married, and is a coworker!"

My lower brain is saying, "MUST TAP THAT ###!"


I must admit that this is driving me slowly insane. The mere brush of her hand on my shoulder is enough to make me want to rip her clothes of and do unmentionable acts right in the middle of the classroom. However, one simply must not perform the act of the beast with two backs in front of 40 kindie students. Really my friends, such a thing is poor form. These young minds should learn of the carnal arts like the rest of us did, which involved us stealing porno mags from our fathers.

All ethical considerations aside I'd have absolutely no problem putting forth my slickest smile with some witty banter. This is a Chinese woman I am talking about. They get beaten worst than dogs by their fathers and spouses. A bit of a nice compliment, a smile, and kind words goes the distance in their book. However, I'm stuck fighting the battle of the corporate conscious.

I'm torn between wanting to dampen my raging carnal furnace and possibly loosing my job or playing the company man. Dipping my quill into the company inkwell could well have serious long term employment consequences for the worst should sweet tender Cindy turn into a vengeful harridan of epic proportions. The term hell hath no fury like a woman scorned does not apply to angry Chinese women.

My research shows they'll not only make your life a living hell, they'll find creative ways to get others to make your life a living hell, and then recruit total strangers to make your life a living hell. After this they've been known to post cruel jokes and photos about your various physical short-comings on the internet. When you are browsing these reams of Chinese character loaded posts with the occasional, "LOL" and "Stupid Laowai!" you will notice your ex-girlfriends smiling face in her avatar as she gives the camera the ritual Asian camera pose the peace sign.

Dangerous ground I tread upon!

Sate the carnal beast?

Or play the company man?

blah.. this truly is the hardest part of getting older. I can't bone anyone I want and get away with it.



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