Scandal rocks Tianxia, Children captured by marauding Mascurians

[Triyun]

In a story taking the Empire by storm, Tianxia authorities have arrested a band of roaming Mascurians charged with importing krokodil synthetic opiates as well as roofies across the border from the Mascurian Autonomous Region of Russia.  The Mascurians would then use these to attract mates at various lower income class watering holes inside the Empire.  Their primary targets would be low class prostitutes, whom they normally could not afford.  They would then smuggle them across the border to Mascuria to replace the 'women' of Mascuria, whom scientists confirm begin to expand at an astronomical rate and smell of cabbage by their 19th birthday.

 

This particular group were however caught not just with drugs but also with three small children.  The children were all clearly of Chinese descent and bore the signs of adequate early child hood care, something unheard of in Mascuria.  While there was some evidence that the Mascurians were planning on eating the children due to a chronic lack of protein in their diet, it is far more likely that they were attempting to train them to help them steal peoples wallets and other valuables.  

 

The Government has in the past been urged to crack down on Mascurian criminal activity and even act an embargo on goods from Mascuria, however recently the Ambassador to Mascuria was quoted as saying, "I mean its just kind of such a shit hole whats the point."

 

In other news gay rights groups recently announced protests of Mascuria for its obvious homophobia and lack of comfort due to comments about its flag.  Gay groups were widely quoted commenting on how they not Mascuria should worry about flags, and Mascuria should change theirs.  Reasons given were Mascuria's shitty taste in everything.

[KaiserMelech Mikhail]

In response to the blatant lies spewed forth by the Tianxian media, a statement was released to clarify the situation.

 

1. Members of the Marscurian Mafia did not purposefully smuggle krokodil into China.  They smuggled in people to work as migrants, and were not aware of the condoms full of drugs inside the people.

 

2. The cabbage phenomenon is still undergoing proper investigation.  While some women are reported to gain massive amounts of weight and start to smell like sauerkraut, the change in physiology only happens after marriage.

 

3. The three Chinese children were not stolen for meat or to be raised as a team of tiny-handed thieves.  They were taken to enter into a hive mind for the purposes of doing math an programming computers.  The idea was signed off by high-level officials after watching a similar idea being implemented in the American crime documentary Minority Report.

 

4. The Marscurian government has no reason to change the flag of the Marscurian Siberian region.  It has been in place long before the invention of homosexuality, and thus has priority.

[Triyun]

Local governments along the border under pressure from their citizenry have begun to construct a series of barricades, which would force Mascurians to go around into Vaule before crossing into Tianxia.  The Upper House Assembly member Zhou'an Mikan was quoted as saying, "Finally finish the god dang fence!"