Arctica struck by nuclear weapon

[Vedran]

Hello, this is Arctica News Service.

At 21:02 today, a missile carrying a nuclear warhead detonated its payload over a field somewhere in the country.

For the past day or so, the military has been engaged with attackers from two foreign countries. The generals awoke to find that their units had been attacked, but all was quiet in the cities. So the country had not gone into anarchy. The fighting continued, with Arctican forces fending off the attackers with ease, raining fire down on their troops and up at their planes. To give the retreating enemy a sporting chance, several divisions brought out the muskets and flintlock pistols before taking pursuit. Incursions into enemy territory were met with mixed results.

Enemy operatives attempted to infiltrate key sectors, but were detected quickly by the security network. In one incident, 17 operatives were identified, captured, made to parade through the city with tar and feathers, and then hauled off to an army base to be executed. Arctican operatives met with success, one man, codenamed GREYFOX commented on the matter "During the course of my mission I found out that the enemy had trucks driving around carrying exactly $1 million each so I blew them up, lol."

A naval task force led by an Admiral Dragović then performed an assault on an enemy port.

"So the fleet came in there and started shooting, and we blew up all their ships and a bunch of buildings, and they didn't even shoot back" Dragović said. "Then I sent a message to their government saying hey, I am in your harbor killing your dudes, also make sure your guns work next time. And then I went home."

In fact, Arctican forces were so sure of victory that they abandoned the front tonight and went to a huge party in a field. It was then that the attack came. Everybody died.

And now here's Larry Queen, live from an undisclosed location where our leader has agreed to an exclusive interview.

Larry Queen: Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice, Your Excellency. I understand you must be very busy with all that has happened.

Vedran: Uh...sure. Thanks for having me, Gary.

LQ: Larry.

V: Right.

LQ: This must be such a shock to you. The entire army destroyed in a single attack, but you survived...

V: It has happened before.

LQ: Really?

V: No. To answer your question, Larry, I was taking my evening walk with a contingent of my bodyguards - naturally - and my aide, Carlo, when all of a sudden this big flash shows up on the horizon and I hear this thing like a WHOOOM, and the ground shakes. Now that either means a nuclear attack or...well, you don't want to know. So I says to my man Carlo "YO CARLO, bring me the case" and he brings me a case of beer so I give him five across the face and say "No, the OTHER case", he brings me a case of tequila so I slap him again and say "No, the OTHER OTHER case" so he brings me the nuclear football and I open it up and use the phone in there to call my top general. I tell him "Hey bro, you know we just got nuked" and he tells me "yeah, I saw it, I stepped away from the party to take a leak and when I turned around..." I says to him "there ain't no time, bro, we have to perform a retaliatory attack to show them that Arctica will not take this lying down! Now you and your boys get the target list up..." so this idiot interrupts me again and tells me we ain't got no nukes Mr. Vedran, we ain't ever had none. By now I'm tired of his babbling, so I tell him to put me on speakerphone and I tell his subordinate to shoot the general and take his place. Well he does it, and it turns out he's just the DJ for the party. Well now I don't know why the DJ had to follow the general to take a leak and I don't really care, but DJs can't be officers! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's tradition. Anyway, I fire him and hang up and punch in the codes-

LQ: If Arctica never had nuclear weapons why are there launch co-

V: HEY SHUT YOUR MOUTH FAIRY QUEEN, I'M TELLIN A STORY HERE

LQ: My apologies, Your Excellency, carry on.

V: Anyway, I punch in the codes and turn the key and a bunch of ink shoots on my shirt! On my white $%&@in shirt! So I grab Carlo and throw him against a wall. What a funny guy, Carlo is. I think I gave him a concussion, but he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

LQ: I see. And why did you not suspect that these attackers were armed with weapons of mass destruction, especially since the government stated publicly that we had agents in the area?

V: ...what? Oh, you mean the war. Yeah, I didn't think it was anything to worry about. I wake up one day and all these people from Argentina or something are getting killed by my dudes! I don't know what we ever did to them, well it might have been that one time I gave a speech saying "Argentinians suck" or something, but-

LQ: Uh...no you didn't.

V: I assure you I did.

LQ: I'm pretty sure you didn't. Ever.

V: ...are you questioning me?

LQ: No.

V: Good. Anyway, as I was saying, I had no idea Argentina was even angry at us-

LQ: Well, it might have been a hint that there were soldiers landing on our shores-

V: What did I tell you?

LQ: To shut up because Your Excellency is telling a story.

V: That's right.

LQ: ...

V: I'm done, by the way. Please continue with your next question.

LQ: Why are you here giving an interview when you could be rallying the people to victory? Aren't you worried they might track the signal and bomb us?

V: Pff. They'll never do that. I mean, after all, this isn't Studio #3, ANS Building, 24188 S. Zircadia Avenue, Oceana...you worry too much.

LQ: . . .

V: Oh. Oops.

LQ: How did the people ever elect you leader?

V: Oh, this is a non-elected post, and I created it.

LQ: ...that...actually explains quite a lot. Um, thank you, Your Excellency, I have no more questions.

V: I must take my leave. Thank you for having me tonight, Gary, but there is business I must attend to. *Vedran skips out of the studio and building and into a waiting APC which takes him to his command bunker.*

LQ: . . . . . . . . . That was our leader, ladies and gentlemen. Back to you, Linda.

[Vedran]

SPECIAL ANS REPORT: SABOTEURS SACRIFICE THEIR LIVES AND BECOME NATIONAL HEROES

Earlier tonight, an Arctican surveillance satellite picked up the following transmission, which was relayed to the station by means unknown and we have been given permission to air it. Following is actual footage from an infiltration team deep in enemy territory. Viewer discretion is advised.

A tape begins to play. The camera is shaky, and there are several men in the background in unmarked tactical suits and balaclavas standing inside what appears to be an underground missile silo. The missile itself is visible behind them. There is a man in the foreground wearing a balaclava, but it's clear he's of African descent. A few of the operatives are roughly kicking what appears to be an immobilized guard, whose mouth is foaming blood. The man in the foreground speaks.

"Yo - hold the damn camera straight - Yo dawg I heard you like nukes so we put a bomb in your nuke so you can nuke while you n-" the transmission was suddenly cut off; for a second there was static and it soon returned to the newscaster's face.

At about this time, another surveillance satellite detected a nuclear detonation in enemy territory. According to government statements, this is confirmed to be a mission complete for the 20 operatives, who have been posthumously awarded the Silver Star.

[Vedran]

Arctica has received peace. We will be taking some time to rebuild now, but first we have to get the riots under control. Riot police and military units have been dispatched to the cities, but this move is seen as too slow and expensive. Instead, Vedran released a statement over national television.

"Stop rioting you stupid !@#$%, or I'll kill you all. You have until May 2. Cheers." The remaining stockpile of cruise missiles has been aimed at major cities that are undergoing riots. This move is seen as sane and morally sound.