[Official Announcment from LOSS]

A wisp-thin Tutsi teenager in an 1870s British army uniform appears, followed by a plumper Parsi in an identical uniform. "LOSS is at war!" the thin soldiers shouts, shaking a Bolt-Action Rifle in the air. "Go LOSS! Wooo! Chew 'em up like a Panther in a steak factory!"

The Parsi soldier winces and quickly slaps her college in the face. "You stupid lout! Don't you know they're fighting on the other side? We're in GDA now!"

The thin soldier lowers his head. "But, it's LOSS..." he pouts.

[Minyeshi reemerges from ocean]

The Minyeshi World Report

By the Gossipers` Union of Minyeshi

(logo courtesy of drugsup)

Oceanic travelers claim that the island nation of Minyeshi resurfaced from the Indian Ocean some thirty days ago, shortly thereafter demanding trade deals and developmental assistance.

“The whole archipelago just floated up from the bottom of the great ocean, I saw it with me own eyes!” explains new age hippie and wannabe pirate wench Marie Luigi, while waving a +1 cutlass blessed with Mulian crystal magic. “`Twas a miraculous thing, though me heart did feel sorry for the poor whales that were trapped on land when it appeared outta nowhere. Me hopes that when Atlantis rises again as Edgar Cayce said it would, that the poor cetaceans be given some advance notice.”

As these claims contradict much of what is known about geology and were obtained only after repeated LSD hits, many foreign observers are skeptical. Minyeshi`s government likewise rejects these asinine assertions, as does our news service.

Minyeshi`s government is famous for sound judgment and reliability.

“These claims are total bong-induced nonsense. Our nation was never submerged, nor did it disappear from the face of Planet Bob without any advance warning.” states Minyeshi`s minister of Information, Kwandaze Sakayama, while discreetly lighting a cigar via an unnamed government document. “Our nation was simply… um… very… very… busy. We were busy… um… fighting Zombies! Yes, that`s it! Zombies!”

The living dead.

“They came from the beaches, walking in endless droves.” recounts Zombie-war veteran Ahmed al-Baraq, while scooping up whale-meat from the summit of an inactive volcano. “For months we fled them… hiding in the depths of jungles, feasting on naught but caterpillars and the fermented leaves of ferns. At night we were tormented by their endless moaning, and could find solace only atop the highest trees… trees our undead opponents were too uncoordinated to climb. Many of the best among our people were devoured, and those who were merely gnawed died soon thereafter, and rose again among the ranks of the accursed. Only when we realized that by destroying their soulless brains could they be rendered immobile, was the victory of humanity assured.”

Believers in Pyramid Power firmly reject the position of Minyeshi`s government. One small sect even claims to have been responsible for the island`s appearance.

“The truth was, we were trying to raise Atlantis so that the blue sun could rise and the consciousness of humanity could be raised to a higher level.” explains Divine-Moonbeam, Hug-Circle-Leader of the enigmatic Sacramento Reincarnated Lemurian Fellowship. “However, the Onmyodo practitioner we hired to coordinate the crystal sharing seemed a little tipsy when we passed the prayer beads around. Most of our commune thinks that`s why we got Minyeshi instead of Atlantis. Honestly, we`re rather disappointed.”

The layout of Kyoto was influenced by Onmyodo.

Minyeshi`s leadership has opted to join the GDA, allegedly due to large bribes offered to its government that were promptly spent on both infrastructure and hookers. A former member of LOSS, Minyeshi claims it wishes its old alliance well, but has expressed a desire to “try something else this time around.”

“Seriously, we are dreadfully sorry we buggered out without saying anything; we should`ve at least wrote a nice goodbye letter.” Explains an mustachioed Minyeshi official, dressed in a 1870s British officer`s uniform and sipping from a tea cup.

When prompted to comment on current world affairs, this official spat out a mouthful of the apparently foul-tasting beverage, before admitting his country`s leave of absence left him somewhat unprepared to comment.

“It is true we have been long removed from events of Planet Bob.” confesses the official. “How fares the Initiative?”