1000 Days of Cybernations

[apriland]

On August 4th, 2007 I was looking at my friend Matthew's Facebook page, thinking about all the stuff I should have picked up on to know that he was going to commit suicide. To me, it came completely out of the blue, he had just accepted a permanent position at an arboretum after college that would bring him back out to California where I lived and we met. All my interactions with him were so positive, he was kind and thoughtful, and constantly working hard to boost my self esteem with heartfelt compliments. He had hidden the fact that he was mentally ill so well that I never even would have guessed. On his page was a note, with a brief statement about CN and how it was a great game. I created my nation as a way to be still linked to him, and to try to understand why he did what he did and to try to find people that he might have interacted...

(see [url="http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?app=blog&module=display&section=blog&blogid=474&showentry=1686"]my blog[/url] for my history of my "life in CN"... This post is going to be focused on lessons I'd like to share with y'all)

On an OoC level, CN made me grow up a lot and taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I engaged in a lot of awful romantic relationships with completely incompatible people that I met online in an attempt to settle because I am afraid of real relationships.

I learned about all sorts of crazy things about my ability to adapt to my surroundings, and some of the more base aspects of my soul that are more manipulative/plotting/blame shifting/bitterness oriented.

I learned that I can't shake, no matter how hard I try, the better angels in my head that make me believe that justice and truth are the only true aims in life. Furthermore, that compassion, kindness, patience, an open mind, and a peace oriented soul are the only real ways of achieving those aims.... aims I feel like I have to pursue even in my IC life... This is probably the main reason why, despite the fact that I haven't been in the GPA for like 2.3 years, people still constantly refer to me as a hippy. And lets be serious, those ideals have no real place in CN which is why I haven't belonged here for a really, really long time.

The [i]most[/i] important thing I learned from CN is that the world is full of beautiful, hurting, broken people desperately needing to be listened to and loved. I joined CN because of Matthew, and the people in CN really had no clue he was suicidal until he disappeared and his nation suddenly deleted. Because of that I decided to be very conscious and open to establishing real friendships with anyone who was needing a listening ear, and have had an enormously fulfilling time meeting some awesome people in the process. Thank you for the honor it's been to hear all of your stories, and I hope you'll stay in touch no matter what I decide to do with my nation.

Even more than that, I met some people who were incredible supports to me in difficult times in my life, and made some seriously quality friendships. I'm not even going to attempt to make an exhaustive list, but I do want to extend special thanks to Pansy, bigwoody, mhawk, Darklordtim and Crymson for the many, many hours that you've extended your listening ear to me as I've elaborated on the mess that is my mind. You guys are a testament to me about the fact that everyone is lovable, even me at my very darkest moments and I am grateful for your friendships. I know that leaving the game would change things, and so I am hanging on by the thinnest possible thread for people like you. I can think of dozens of CN players who are doing the same type of thing.

So much of the interactions on the forums and IRC are like the playground where the bullies who have had hard lives themselves take it out on the poor unpopular kid. I wish that people could just be good to each other, but most of me has lost hope about that, and the meanness and 12yr oldness of discourse is always brutal to read, even when it's not directed at me. On another level, it's downright irresponsible given how much tragedy may be going on behind the scenes and how very much these people don't need to be taken down a notch for the benefit of the joker/attacker's ego and a momentary chuckle / lapse of boredom. There are days when this doesn't bother me, but most days it makes me sick. There is so much more to gain by being good to one another than there is to be bad to each other... this I am totally sure of.

If anyone wants to stop by my IRC channel and say hi, I am at #canttouchthis. Good luck to all of you in your IC and OoC life journeys in this game!

Edited May 1, 2010 by apriland

[JimKongIl]

I have only spoken with you briefly but from what I know of you, you have a very kind and fair heart. I wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide to do. Hopefully you will just collect every 20 days and lurk around every once in awhile instead of deleting.

[theArrowheadian]

Welcome to the club

[KainIIIC]

Yes, Peace is a lie

Congrats on your milestone and good luck in your future endeavors. It'd be a pity if someone of your caliber deleted and especially if later you yearned to come back.

[Alfred von Tirpitz]

Do not know you at all... But do know of you from the owf.

I guess, congratulations on the 1000 days, and good luck going ahead.

Also, thanks for the read worthy post.

[IronSoldier820]

I feel like I've missed out in not having known you. My experience in Cyber Nations did not start on such a deep note, but I did end up leaving at various points with a lot of life lessons. Very great post, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who ended up taking life lessons from a random browser game - I was starting to feel silly.

[Cornelius]

I'm sorry about your friend. I am glad, however, that you did come to CN, otherwise I never would've had the chance to meet you. I congratulate you on lasting a thousand days, even though I wonder why I've been here so long. But then I remember that it's because of people like you, my fellow Viridians, and others I've had the pleasure of meeting along the way.

[mythicknight]

<3 ya april

stick around!

Edited May 1, 2010 by mythicknight

[President S O]

April, I only met you yesterday, but I do wish for you to stay longer so I get to know you a lot more. You're a good person. Best of luck wherever you may go, but please don't be scared to call Olympus home.

[queenhailee]

[quote name='apriland' date='30 April 2010 - 11:01 PM' timestamp='1272690099' post='2282352']
(snip)
I learned that I can't shake, no matter how hard I try, the better angels in my head that make me believe that justice and truth are the only true aims in life. Furthermore, that compassion, kindness, patience, an open mind, and a peace oriented soul are the only real ways of achieving those aims.... aims I feel like I have to pursue even in my IC life... This is probably the main reason why, despite the fact that I haven't been in the GPA for like 2.3 years, people still constantly refer to me as a hippy. [b]And lets be serious, those ideals have no real place in CN which is why I haven't belonged here for a really, really long time[/b]. [/quote]

Emphasis mine.

Though perhaps not widespread through the community as a whole, those ideals [b]do[/b] have a very real place in CN, April. If you look for them, you'll find that there are small little bastions littering the landscape whose inhabitants don't believe in aggression for aggression's sake. Communities who believe in lifting up rather than tearing down. People who not only believe in but also practice honor and respect in their every day interactions--including those that happen during the inevitable wars. Communities who value pride more than smugness.

They're not the biggest communities on Bob. They're not the most vocal. But they are here and they have a very real role to play. Even if others don't "get" the niche you create for yourself, the would be a poorer place if we were all the same. Give it some time, April. Find yourself a place that doesn't just support your ideals, but embraces and encourages them. Those ideals make this place richer for all of us.

[Buffalo Niagara]

April,
Congrats on the milestone that is something that is very impressive. I agree very much with your post, and believe me about a year and a half ago, I was about right where you are. We searched out a new home, and it was hard to find a place we all "fit" into. We instead found some amazing friends, that supported us in many ways...ways that to this day have helped us become who we are today and I assure you it was a journey I would do all over again and still wind up at that same place.

We too are discouraged by the way Bob has changed since we all began playing. Integrity, honor and commitment are things that became hard to find, but they do exist, and there are folks that regardless of your past, accept you for who you are, and even more importantly, guide you, mentor you and are your friends first, regardless of what color your on, or game you play.

I wish you luck in your journey, and encourage you not to give up on your goals, as they are VERY worthy and worth pursuing as long as you believe in your heart they are.

Buffy

[Hime Themis]

Good and Noble April

You and I have passed each other in the night many a time through our respective journeys on Digiterra. It was first in GPA I had the opportunity to learn a little about you. What I learned made me pleased that I had found a place in a world where those who believed in those odd but simple ideals could find a place. You were a tiny but bright light that shone and it was a joy to see that. I know and have followed you through the darker and brighter times. We speak periodically as passing ships exchange familiar but oft infrequent whistles in the night.
I am sure you know what I believe about you, I think you need have little question of what I stand for and how close to your views I stand. I shall as I wrote you just a short while ago be highly disappointed if your light is extinguished as it brought warmth beyond its obvious glow.
As I rapidly approach that same milestone I can but offer the simple truths that make me continue on. No one who changes a single mind, lifts a single spirit, aids a single person in need or provides even one person with that one piece of wisdom that lifts them higher has failed to change the world here on Digiterra or in RL.
My beliefs says it is better to light a single candle AND curse the darkness. Go not quietly into that good night.

Your friend.
Respectfully
Dame Hime Themis

[ty345]

I just passed 1000 days too... I'M OLD! O.o

[jerdge]

[quote name='apriland' date='01 May 2010' timestamp='1272690099' post='2282352'][...]
I learned that I can't shake, no matter how hard I try, the better angels in my head that make me believe that justice and truth are the only true aims in life. Furthermore, that compassion, kindness, patience, an open mind, and a peace oriented soul are the only real ways of achieving those aims.... aims I feel like I have to pursue even in my IC life... This is probably the main reason why, despite the fact that I haven't been in the GPA for like 2.3 years, people still constantly refer to me as a hippy. And lets be serious, those ideals have no real place in CN which is why I haven't belonged here for a really, really long time.[/quote]
On the contrary, and as you in fact already know, love (in your post declined as justice and truth, compassion, kindness, patience, open-mindedness and peace - but it's the same thing) is the only meaningful ideal and - bottom line - nothing else actually [i]exists[/i].

Legendary rainbow warriors like you are the bastion of CN against barbarism. Your love for us made you responsible for us, and no disillusion can now be an excuse for you to leave.
Unless it's necessary to attend to something more important in RL you should remain and continue to give what you can, light-hearted as you know you can be, with the starry heavens above you and the moral law within you. It's just that simple.

[The AUT]

[quote name='ty345' date='01 May 2010 - 05:28 PM' timestamp='1272731297' post='2282725']
I just passed 1000 days too... I'M OLD! O.o
[/quote]

Too bad this thread isn't about you.

Good luck with whatever you do April. If you do in fact leave, it was a pleasure knowing you.

[commander thrawn]

Although I don't know you, and I don't necessarily agree with everything you said. I know the pain of suicide and for that I wish you well.

[Antonio Salovega VI]

M'Lady,

Know that my life is richer for its association with you.

[im317]

April, well we didn't talk much i must say that i very much enjoyed watching you and Chief banter. i miss those days and you leaving us will mean they can never be the same again. have fun with what ever you decide to do.

[chefjoe]

What is this the 3rd or 4th 'goodbye CN'?

Ever heard of the boy whom cried wolf?

[ty345]

[quote name='The AUT' date='01 May 2010 - 01:58 PM' timestamp='1272736677' post='2282805']
Too bad this thread isn't about you.

Good luck with whatever you do April. If you do in fact leave, it was a pleasure knowing you.
[/quote]
Everything is about me.

[Helpma]

Hi April, it's been a long time, I don't pop round this way much these days, but it's good to see you're still hanging in there . Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you'll bring some light to those you meet.

[SonOfHoward]

I've learned a lot through traveling and real life experiences. I have yet to learn anything about life or humanity through a computer game. CivIV comes close but even so... Ok wait I lied, kinda. CN is an internet meme. The one thing I take away from that fact is that people tend to be become narcissists in this medium. So maybe that says something about the deep psyche of the human brain and how culture can either oppress or promote our self feelings of me me me. That begs the question which one is right? Is there a happy medium? Are people either completely selfless, narcissists or can they be a bit of both? Can they be any 1 of those 3? Is CN just pure escapism and completely meaningless?

Now my head hurts. I didn't come here for this, I just want to fire some missiles at someone and have them shoot something back...

Congrats on 1000!

Edited May 1, 2010 by SonOfHoward

[deathcat]

I won't make a long winded post.. because for the most part.. I entirely agree with you. There is a definite lack of respectful discourse on planet Bob and because of it .. I have often felt of giving up my nation and returning to my quiet life. But it's people like you who make this world worth coming back to. I have no reason to build my nation, to war constantly.. I'm an Old man with a full life in RL.. But its because of you and others like you that I want to stay around. Please consider that point, and think of making it your own. If you choose to move on.. please continue to frequent the IRC's.. I would hate to lose track of a particularly wonderful friend!

oo/ April
oo/ Hippyness

[The Pansy]

[quote name='chefjoe' date='01 May 2010 - 09:11 PM' timestamp='1272748249' post='2282986']
What is this the 3rd or 4th 'goodbye CN'?

Ever heard of the boy whom cried wolf?
[/quote]
In Aprils defence Chejoe, this isn't a quit post, more of a "I don't know what to do with myself" post

[apriland]

Thanks for the comments on my overly philosophical musings at an arbitrary milestone guys... really fun to see some old faces in this thread, especially since so many of you are such excellent examples of the type of character I wish more people had!

SonOfHoward, I've always enjoyed the points in our CN histories when our paths cross, even when you are being hard on me. I definitely agree that I have learned the most through my RL travels than anywhere else. I've been really lucky to travel a whoooole lot in my 29 years and it's unfortunate that more people don't get the opportunities I (and you) have had. At the same time, I guess I'd like to think that everything, even the most debase people, the most difficult hardships, the most meaningless events have something to be gleaned from them if your paying attention for them... glad I got you thinking.

Hime Themis, [i]Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright / Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay / Rage, rage against the dying of the light.[/i]

[quote name='jerdge' date='01 May 2010 - 01:43 PM' timestamp='1272735820' post='2282790']
Legendary rainbow warriors like you are the bastion of CN against barbarism. Your love for us made you responsible for us, and no disillusion can now be an excuse for you to leave.[/quote]
No pressure or anything....

[quote name='KainIIIC' date='01 May 2010 - 01:48 AM' timestamp='1272692921' post='2282402']
Yes, Peace is a lie [/quote]
Hahaha, you would.

[quote name='ty345' date='01 May 2010 - 05:14 PM' timestamp='1272748431' post='2282991']
Everything is about me.
[/quote]
Haha, you get one of my fav quotes as a response.... "I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience." - Henry David Thoreau, [i]Walden[/i] Congrats on your 1000 days as well.

[quote name='chefjoe' date='01 May 2010 - 05:11 PM' timestamp='1272748249' post='2282986']
What is this the 3rd or 4th 'goodbye CN'?

Ever heard of the boy whom cried wolf? [/quote]
[quote name='apriland' date='01 May 2010 - 01:01 AM' timestamp='1272690099' post='2282352']
So much of the interactions on the forums and IRC are like the playground where the bullies who have had hard lives themselves take it out on the poor unpopular kid.
[/quote]

I've tried to be understanding with you and your personal tragedies and why it's led to you constantly initiating problems and attacking my character for inaccurate reasons, but despite my efforts to be nice to you, you're really never going to change and let go of your misplaced bitterness, are you?

#1 this isn't a quit post, though snide comments like this are exactly why it's so hard to stick around for those that want me to stay.

#2 I have only ever posted about quitting CN once, over two years ago.

It's sad... you're probably one of the people here who has the most potential and you're like 10 years older than me.... planning on growing up any time soon?