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Dont' Panic #29


scytale
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Opening By: Dynasty

Did you know that the boiling point of iron is 5182 °F (2862 °C)? Did you know that a slug has four noses? How about, did you know that Coconuts kill more people than sharks each year? Yes, there are tons of wild fun facts out there, but none are as fun as reading a good issue of the Don’t Panic! Now, let us find out if this edition is one of those special editions that just put that smile on your face and that “Gasp!” in the air.

Headlines

The Lost Hitchhiker

By: Dynasty

On January 4, 2009, The Mostly Harmless Alliance got some of the saddest news it’s members will ever hear and ever bear, their beloved leader and fellow hitchhiker, Denzin, had passed away. As the one year anniversary of his death came, the alliance had a time of memories and honor. An entire forum was dedicated to remembering Denzin, banners remembering and honoring Denzin brightly shined in the signatures of many members, and the Administrators on the CN wiki were even kind enough to add a link to the top of every page telling Denzin’s great story. We would like to thank everyone who said something nice about Denzin, who helped to restore our memory of our lost Hitchhiker, and who helped to allow our alliance heal from the tremendous loss. For on January 4th, The Mostly Harmless Alliance will always remember the saddest news it’s members will ever hear and ever bear, that their beloved leader and fellow hitchhiker, Denzin, had passed away. Let us never forget the Great Lost Hitchhiker, Denzin.

We Popped into Number One

By: Anonymous

Yes, MHA did have a slight time as the Number One alliance by in game statistics last month, December 27, 2009 to be exact. MHA surpassed TOP for a few hours, and for a time allowed it to say that it was number one. The cheering and congratulations went from member to member, only to find the next day that MHA had fallen back down to the number two alliance.

Elections

Triumvir Elections

By: Dynasty

This month we saw Pudge1975 and Diablofan go at it for the office of Triumvir. Both campaigned diligently and were astoundingly excellent candidates, but in the end, there was only one victor. Taking roughly 2/3rds of the vote, Pudge1975 won the office of Triumvir this month. As such, we like to wish him the best of luck leading MHA forward! Congrats Pudge!

Speaker Elections

By: Dynasty

This month we saw our beloved second speaker, WCR, decide not to nominate for a second term as speaker. With nominations open, only Masterbake nominated for the position. As such, he faced a confirmation vote by the Assembly before he could take up the office of Speaker. With an astounding 84% of the Assembly in favor of his election to the office of Speaker, Masterbake was elected as the third speaker of the hitchhiker's assembly. Congrats Masterbake, and best of luck leading the Assembly forward!

Court Officer Elections

By: Dynasty

Last month we saw the passing of a monumental amendment that would stagger the election of Court Officers. Since then, we have had two elections for court officers. Now you may ask "why two? It's only been a month since the motion was enacted." You would be right, however, we had a vacancy to fill along with our regular election! In our regular election we saw FearUnited nominate for the position and face a confirmation vote, and in that confirmation vote we saw him get confirmed by the Assembly, with 76% of voters being in favor of his election. In our Replacement election we saw Gunther nominate to fill the vacancy left by former Court Officer and Grämlin Executor, Zere. Gunther, our former Minister of Bad Poetry, was confirmed by the Assembly with 93% of voters in favor of his election. As such, I'd like to wish both of our new court officers, Gunther and FearUnited, the best of luck maintaining the high standards of our court.

Ministry Changes

By: Dynasty

With Pudge1975 retaining his Triumvir seat, the Triumvir goes unchanged since last edition. We saw Pourquoi reappoint Niu Garzukk to the position of Deputy Minister of Hitchhikers after Niu’s stunning stunt last month. We also saw our long time Minister of Babel Fish, King CJC, retire and leave the alliance this month. That caused the Deputy Minister of Babel Fish, Yankeefan2, ascend to the position of Minister of Babel Fish. Yankeefan2 then appointed Fallin, the former Triumvir of GUN, as his Deputy Minister of Babel Fish. As Dynasty’s term as Legislator ended, we saw him get appointed to the position of Deputy Minister of Destructor Fleets by Espressoville. Gunther, the newly elected court officer and former Minister of Bad Poetry, decided to take up the post of acting Legislator. Last but not least, we saw Masterbake switch from being a Court Officer to being the Speaker of the Hitchhiker’s Assembly this month. Best of luck to our government, may they lead MHA well!

Although changes are certainly possible in the coming days, this is what the Government of the MHA currently looks like:

Triumvirate: Jadoo1989, Draden Valerianovich, pudge1975

Minister of Hitchhikers (Members): Pourquoi

Deputy: Niu Garzukk

Minister of Towels (Economy): Nath1194

Deputy: TheUltimate747 (aka Khrushchev)

Minister of BabelFish (Diplomacy): Yankeefan2

Deputy: fallin

Minister of Bad Poetry (Communications): Majorddf

Deputy: Tyler Mattinglyb

Minister of Destructor Fleets (War): Espressoville

Deputy: Dynasty

Speaker of the HHA: Masterbake

Legislator of the HHA: Gunther (Acting)

Within the Alliance

The Triumvirate Award Recipients

By: Dynasty

On January 4, 2010, two members were awarded MHA’s highest distinction, the Triumvirate Award. These two members were greatly deserving of this highest of awards, both Working Class Ruler (WCR) and Count Rupert (CR), are some of the greatest and most loyal hitchhikers we could have ever have hoped for. They both have always gone above and beyond what has been asked of them, they have served the alliance as Triumvirs, Members, and Warriors alike, sharing the downfalls and Triumphs of the entire alliance. Both could be considered a large part of the face of MHA at one point or another, and both have many good deeds going unmentioned, like WCR’s writing of our last three charters, or CR’s great generosity and knowledge. Congrats to both of you, it’s well deserved!

Around the CN World

The Family Disbands

By: Scytale

The last time the MHA had a meeting with The Family, rain was coming down on a dark alley. The smell of death and decay was everywhere. We approached the meeting of the two organizations with trepidation. When the meeting was over, we were relieved that they just wanted to become business partners.

An invitation to another meeting came in the form of a large cooler full of ice and fish with a stack of newspapers and a note. The note just had an address, date and time. Although this concerned us greatly, our organization did not become successful by backing down on any challenges. We decided to go meet them while taking some precaution.

The address was to a large mansion protected by walls, an entry gate and guards. The property was located in a very secluded and affluent neighborhood. As we approached the compound, you saw guards just inside the gate and a gatehouse (probably bulletproof). As the guards saw us approach, they moved into obvious security positions. There was a speaker system set up outside the gate which we used to gain access inside the gate. They checked the car, frisked us and found the guns each of us had. The guns were taken without much fanfare. We felt completely vulnerable but there was no turning back now.

When we got to the house, we were greeted warmly by the head of The Family. He welcomed us and asked if we wanted something to eat or drink. Feeling a bit nervous and anxious to get this meeting over as quickly as possible (one way or another) we went right to business. “Godfather, we’ve done good business together and there’s been no bad blood between us. So what’s this meeting about and why the message?”

The Godfather blinked and had a bit of a confused look. He looked at each of us with concentration as if he was sizing us up. A couple of seconds went by but it felt like an eternity. Then a smile slowly formed and a knowing expression came over his entire face. He then let out a very hearty laugh and said, “You guys thought we were going to wipe you out, didn’t you? The fish was for you to use. Didn’t you notice that they were all whole? Very good and expensive stuff, too in case you didn’t need to use them. We harbor no ill feelings for you.”

Now we were really confused and asked “So what are we supposed to do with the fish?”

“You use them to send a message to anyone that needs it." replied the Godfather, "The Family has decided to get out of the ‘business’. We made our fortunes and we want to lead a different life. We need your help while we make the transition. We figured you’ll need to send the messages in just the right way to anyone that tries to get in our way.”

“Also, some of us will be looking for ‘other’ jobs like what you guys do. We’d appreciate it if you could take them in if they ask. It’d be a great favor.”

And with that The Family disbanded into other business organizations. We wish the former members good luck in their new careers.

Best of Luck to Farmer John and King CJC!

By: Dynasty

We saw our long time members, Farmer John and King CJC, leave our alliance for good this month. It was a sad moment seeing our former Speaker and Fleet Commander, Farmer John leave our alliance; it was just as painful to see our long time Minister of Foreign Affairs, King CJC, leave though too. Both have been exceedingly great members, serving our alliance for well over and close to a year. We wish both of them the best of luck in their new alliances, and we hope to see both back as a Diplomat or Härmlin before long.

Just for Fun

Hoax: The Honorable Order of the Black Knights

By: Diablofan

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.:[ The Honorable Order of the Black Knights ]:.

We, the most venerable of this Planet Bob have come together to end this war and stop those who oppose us. Due to such, we hereby draft our accords to come together and unite to face this threat with massive force. TRaY, DWP, SOS, and MHA hereby come together to form the bloc henceforth known as 'The Most Honorable Order of the Black Knights'. Due to the formation of this bloc, all undersigned parties/alliances hereby declare total war on Umbrella and ExcessiveLime.

For the Order, Victoire c'est possible!

/s/

Suiseiseki, Divine Goddess of the Revolution, desu~

Arrnea, All-Round Prophet of the One True Goddess also denwa~

Medix, Founder of TRaY, Emperor of Kulonia, Viceroy of Mytilene

Diablofan, Master of the Art of Lurking

Hoax: Year In Review Spoof

By: Scytale

* January 7: Prime Minister Vladimir Putin shuts off all tech supplies to MHA through Citadel.

* January 20: President Obama takes the leadership of the MHA. 10 days later, it is announced that he has won the CN peace prize

* April 2009: President Obama receives the CN peace prize to a standing ovation as he leads MHA into the Karma War

* June 11: Swine Flu runs rampant in MHA Nations, MHA Minister of Hitchhikers declares it a global pandemic.

* June 25: Death of Michael Jackson crashes CN servers

* Oct 2: The International CN Olympic Committee awards the 2016 war games to New Sith Order. They will have the responsibility for creating the necessary tensions leading to a global war in 2016.

* Dec 24: A historic health care bill has passed the MHA assembly. Everyone is entitled to milk and cookies.

Vogon Poetry

By: Dynasty

Residue upon synchronized Tamakuians imploys dangerous tricameral polymers in the form of whales and combulatorial slurries. Indigestion Terminates Constant Fiberglass Escaping Instantaneously Rougher wormholes xylophones mask Bickering Mocking Tigers attempting to Digest Penguins. Interstate chickens etch filmy grit by means of trains on to plausible bike yoking umbrellas. Tricky undisclosed fluorescent Unuhexolium endeavored to annihilate giant indigenous trains instigating proper underlying fractionalization tools in the means to order riding bass drums through mountainously engradtorially transbotimuals. Goopy salami indicates lemon keepers insinuate tribal phorcifiors into salvaging cooked alloys with simply complex Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism molecules integrating semi-peculiar triumphs for the causes established by elderly Triumvirs while chasing coined babelizationers. Indifferent cosmetically bounties engage against artificial propaganda in order to assimilate magnificently majestic pine cones around palm trees to confiscate piano keys through blamarly rounded ionization capillaries to understand cosmic radational stares by the traffic curbs and wanes for principles of icy Chrononhotonthologos within monstrous proliferation kites. Popularly Sovereign fish escalate ambiguous turtle reefs into extended pomegranate kerchiefs through powerfully evading snow blusts. Blizzards anticipate conquering marshmallow buttons in terms of cannons and opossums. Deinstitutionalization and counterrevolutionaries recognize superextraordinaryly repetitive councilors inviting counsels to invite consuls to a council.

Closing

Did you know that the Capital of Qatar is Doha? Did you know that Lhotse is the fourth tallest mountain in the world? How about, did you know that the deepest point in the red sea is 7,250 ft deep? Yes, there are tons of wild fun facts out there, but none are as fun as reading a good issue of the Don’t Panic! Now, I can surely say this edition is one of those special editions that just put that smile on your face and that “Gasp!” in the air. On the other hand, maybe not… From all of us here at the Don’t Panic, have a great day!

Staff Listing

Pourquoi, Editor-in-Chief, Another Fancy title here, and here, Guy riding the boat

Dynasty, Sub Editor, Primary Columnist, Vogon Poet, Publisher, Guy watching the boat

Scytale, Sub Editor, Columnist, Hoaxist , Guy steering the boat

Diablofan, Reviewer, Programmer, Guy Tubing behind the boat

Special Thanks To: majorddf, WCR, and toffe

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