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GOONS: State of the alliance


Sardonic
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We are doing pretty well these days, thanks for caring. We have a special message for the members of planet bob.

Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment, for it is an old one you have always had, right from the beginning. This commandment – to love one another – is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new.

Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: and the prayer of faith shall save him that is sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, it shall be forgiven him.

Chastise your son, for in this there is hope, but do not desire his death. The man of violent temper pays the penalty; even if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock. In that day those the LORD has slaughtered will fill the earth from one end to the other. No one will mourn for them or gather up their bodies to bury them. They will be scattered like dung on the ground.

How can any man be just in God’s sight, or how can any women’s child be innocent?

But of these things be not ashamed, lest you sin through human respect;…Of constant training of children, or of beating the sides of a disloyal servant; or of a seal to keep an erring wife at home.

Have a nice day!

-GOONS

(Lazerc is now Co-Pilot)

Edited by Sardonic
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Well, the church burned down and no one knew

what Pentecost Baptist was gonna do

the Sunday brimstone got so dadgum hot

it burned up a church bus in the parkin' lot

In a panic the reverend Dr. White

called up an ex-member that hadn't lived right

he owned Joe's beer joint right across the fence

it's the same Joe's he'd preached against...

He said, "I don't really want to be a hypocrite,

but I got a Sunday school class about to have fits.

We're all excited about revival week,

and moved by the spirit, so to speak.

With all the souls we saved and money we spent,

we thought God told us to sell that tent...

I got a famous evangelist supposed to come

and done run out of chairs, will you loan us some?"

Joe says, "Well you can just use the whole dang place...

A-9 on the jukebox is "Amazing Grace"

I ain't supposed to open because of them 'blue laws'

but I'll open tonight if it's alright with y'all."

Preacher said, "Well, I reckon it'd be OK,

the good Lord works in mysterious ways.

I was gonna talk about Joshua, Judges and Ruth

and I reckon I could do it from the DJ booth."

At the First Baptist Bar and Grill

it's the only church in the bible belt

that smells like a whiskey still...

when the sinners finish one more round,

we'll have dinner on the ground,

then go inside and pray we don't get killed.

The evangelist came with a well-dressed choir,

they showed up around happy hour,

looked around the joint and didn't take it real well...

said, "The White ministry has gone to hell"

Ms. Mills that taught youth Sunday school

and two deacons in the back room shootin' pool

were sharin' the Lord with a Jim Beam rep

who was teachin' Ms. Mills some line dance steps...

Reverend White was readin' from the book of Luke

to a tall, drunk trucker about to puke

he had John 3:16 memorized

tryin' to dry him out to get him baptized...

The evangelist yelled about the lights and the beer

said, "White, you can't save any souls in here...

this place ain't nothin' but a den of sin...

ain't the kind of place Baptists ought to be in!"

Preacher said, "Well we don't really need y'all here

You didn't do a very good job last year,

you only saved one sinner, that's Todd McGuire,

the little SOB that set my church on fire!"

"Joe's beer joint has done been revived,

only been here an hour, and I done saved five.

Sure, it's got mirrors and a big dance floor,

but I finally found the flock God called me for."

They're at the First Baptist Bar and Grill

it's the only church in the bible belt that smells like a whisky still not a stained glass window anywhere in site,

just a blood-stained floor and neon lights,

and the communion wine in here is always chilled.

We're here every Sunday; we're livin' large;

We're the only church with a cover charge.

And if you don't like our doctrine and think we ain't devout,

we'll have our bouncer throw your butt out ...

of the First Baptist Bar and Grill

my goongradulations to the genius of Rev. Tim Wilson

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