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Planet Express Employee Newsletter

Planet Express under Investigation

Former CEO of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, has since passed on, but his cheap and fraudulent actions haunt us to this day. The Central Bureaucracy on Tuesday announced that Planet Express would be investigated for any and all misdoings. Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat Grade 19, is once again on top of things as lead investigator. “I can only imagine what I will discover this time around at Planet Express. Number 1.0 has granted me this duty, not once, but twice and I will not fail this time. Planet Express will succumb to the Central Bureaucracy’s rules and regulations and justice will be served.” Morgan Proctor was quoted leaving the Central Bureaucracy Tuesday night.

ZoomZoomZoom, the current CEO, also issued a statement in regards to the investigation to company employees. “I hold our company dear in my heart and although you have endured years upon years of dangerous missions on a lower than minimum wage salary it is my hope that you will enjoy a two week fully paid trip to Amazonia. I procured an excellent deal with the women and their leader, Femputer. It is unorthodox for a vacation upon their Planet, but I agreed no sexist jokes from our employees will occur. So I request that you abide by these rules, respect woman achievements in sports and comedy (Yes….I’m aware such achievements do not exist) and that you also keep your mouths shut to Morgan Proctor about my continuation of Professor Farnsworth’s fraudulent activities. I hope you enjoy your trip!”

Omicronians fire upon Planet Express

The Omicronians who are known to be rather aggressive have recently targeted our crew passing through their system. At this point in time it is unknown what the nature of their anger is. We can rest assured no 20th century television programming was disturbed. Odds are an attack upon Earth will occur in the coming week, so for the time being avoid their sector. Odds are also high that Planet Express is responsible.

Black Team Delivery Contracts

Since our arrival on Planet Bob, we have been situated on the black team. Planet Express immediately reached out to secure new contracts with the esteemed alliances already residing on black. Since so many contracts were created we decided to join an already established trading bloc. The bloc in question is NOIR. Planet Express looks forward to serving the needs of its fellow bloc mates as well as receiving excellent compensation in return. It is the duty of all employees to dedicate their respect and lives to ensure on-time delivery. Listed below is the charter nobody cares to read so enjoy.



The name NOIR, literally translated as Black, is both an obvious and a subtle suggestion as to the intentions of the signatories. We, sovereign and noble alliances of black, sign this treaty to better our sphere through culture and trade, and better ourselves in the pursuit of furthering the interests of all black alliances and nations.

Article I. La Legion Noire:

Non-Aggression and War

Section 1.

Aggression, as defined by a declaration of war, aiding nations who are at war with or belong to an alliance which is at war with a signatory, or encouraging a declaration of war, is not permitted between signatories of this treaty.

Section 2.

Any nation(s) found to be in violation of Article I, Section 1 must cease hostilities immediately and offer reparations equal to or greater than the damages wrought. In the event that peace is not reached and reparations are not provided for damages, the offending nation shall be expelled from their alliance.

Section 3.

A declaration of war by a third party upon a signatory to this treaty shall serve as a casus belli for all other signatories. NOIR members are encouraged, but not required, to come to the defense and aid by any means possible.

Section 4.

No signatory shall raid Black Nations, aligned or unaligned.

Article II. Film Noir:


Section 1.

Signatories agree to share any and all information which they feel may be vital for the security of the undersigned.

Section 2.

Signatories must not engage in any kind espionage against another signatory, nor support such actions by a third party.

Article III. Folk Noir:


Section 1.

Signatories agree to support the growth of the black team by welcoming alliances to black and assisting, when possible, in the transition process.

Article IV. La Roche-Noire:

The Black Senate

Section 1.

Signatories agree to maintain a senate which is open to any candidate.

Section 2.

Signatories are encouraged to coordinate their votes in order to establish a stable and reliable senate.

Section 3.

Signatories represented directly by a senator agree to respond to sanction requests made by fellow signatories as though the requests were made by their own respective alliance.

Article V. Tech Noire:

The Black Market

Section 1.

Each signatory shall select at least one representative to serve as a Black Market Tradesman.

Section 2.

The Tradesmen are responsible for organizing trade circles as well as technology and donation deals.

Section 3.

Each signatory shall encourage their members to obtain trades as well as technology and donations deals through the Black Market in order to foster community and economic growth.

Article VI. Montagne Noir:

The Conclave

Section 1.

The enactment of this treaty is to be overseen by a council of two representatives from each signatory, forming the Upper Conclave. These members are to have the authority to speak on behalf of their respectful alliances in official matters. An alliance may choose to only mask one person in the Upper Conclave, but no alliance may mask more than two.

Section 2.

The Middle Conclave shall be an assembly of representatives from the governments of the signatories. These members are to be able to speak and vote on behalf of their respectful alliances on matters regarding the treaty and black economy. A signatory is allowed to determine the number of its own members that it deems necessary to be masked in the Middle Conclave.

Section 3.

The Middle Conclave shall render decisions by a seventy-two hour vote in which a two-thirds majority has been reached. Abstentions shall not be included in the final tally, and any alliance failing to cast its vote within the seventy-hour period shall forfeit its vote in that decision. All votes are final and cannot be altered after the 72 hour voting period.

Section 4.

The Upper Conclave members shall each hold administrative privileges on the NOIR forums to allow for their oversight. They are responsible for maintaining proper masks and the organization of the NOIR forums.

Article VII. Pinot Noir:


Section 1.

Any black alliance in good standing is encouraged to apply for membership. Membership is conferred by the Conclave.

Section 2.

If a signatory is found to violate this treaty, they may be expelled by the Conclave after being given a period of forty-eight hours during which they may respond to any accusations brought against them.

Section 3.

Any signatory may withdraw from this treaty after giving notice on the NOIR forums. They shall be considered a third party to this treaty seventy-two hours after notice was given, during which time they are still bound to articles I and II.

Article VIII. Mondeuse Noire:


Any proposed amendment may be adopted following a seventy-two hour vote by the Conclave in which all votes cast (excluding abstentions) approve the proposal.

We, the esteemed alliances of the Black Sphere, hereby pledge our dedication to the above document, and the betterment of the Black Sphere.

Signed for Sparta

Kings -



Regent -

Tulak Hord

Ephors of Foreign Affairs -


George the Great

Signed for Umbrella

mrcalkin, Triumvir

Roquentin, Triumvir

Xavi, Triumvir

Guus87, Envoy

uaciaut, Marshal

Snowbeat, Marshal

Sceptor, Senior Statesman

Signed for the League of United Defense

The Ascendancy

Prime-Minister: TheChosenOne

Grand Vizier: Draeg

High Chancellor: HeRo1

Imperial Commissar: Stagger Lee

The Ministry

Grand Emissary: Alcoholic

High Commissioner: Spazquarx

High Quaestor: Azamien

Imperial Regent: cello-chik

Signed for Dark Fist

Daikos - Diarch

Starcraftmazter - Diarch

Martinius - Minister of Foreign Affairs

Signed for Iunctus

Teh Chad - Imperator

St Jimmy - Praetor

Signed for MFO


Signed for Trilateral Commission

Supreme Council

TOOL, Chairman

Drakedeath, CEO

Arch3004, 1st Representative

Cooksonthegreat, 2nd Representative

mercs2foru, Chief of Staff

Grand Council

Badbrownies, Head of External Affairs

Teargas, Head of Military/Security

Signed for The Dark Templar

The Dark Archon - Supa_Troop3r

The Twilight Archon - Myworld

Patriarch - PuLsE

High Templar of Finance - Rakshasas

High Templar of Development - Gabriel Carver

High Templar of War - Masterof9puppets

Signed for The Dark Evolution

Coolgreen44 - Emperor

Signed for the Federation of Buccaneers

Founder - Runz

Founder - Sagha

Signed for The Immortals:

Sarmatian Empire, Emperor

Wappas, Chief Officer

Signed for Apocalypse:

Ghostlin, Wolf Emperor of Apocalypse

Yuurei, Horseman of Internal Affairs

Jewelangel, Horseman of Foreign Affairs

Pokeikon, Horseman of War

Signed for The Shadow Confederacy:


Omniscient1,Grand Vizier

DoorNail,Supreme Commander

Shadow Lurker,Grand Moff of Internal Affairs

Signed for Ether:

Evey Jane, Her Sexiness

Pmac627, President

Master Nick, Vice President

Signed for the Military Establishment of Righteous Countries(MERC):

Jack Whiterstein - Premier

Baha24 - CoIA

porkpotpie - CoFA

Signed for Nemesis:

Bob, Triumvir

Soccerbum, Triumvir

Van Hoo III, Triumvir

Meyer0095, Minister of Economic Affairs

Signed for Amazon Nation:

Randalla, of The HiElands: Queen

Amarynth, of Caspysia: Queen's Consort and Council

Larethiel, of Havalas: Council

Signed for League of Small Superpowers:

Jaaku - Princeps

PHD - Consul

Drugsup - Consul

Lord Slade - Consul

DWtheGreat - Prefect of Foreign Affairs

Signed for Fifth Column Confederation

Methrage, King

Bradicus, Director of Foreign Affairs

Lovealot, Director of Development

Terveis, Director of War

ChairmanR, Director of Technology

Cujothekitten, Director of Interior

Signed for the House of Lords

Signed for, His Eminence The Most Respected Lord Vorak, Lord President and Leader of the House of Lords, 2nd Grand Duke of the House of Lords, Lord of Vorakia


Signed for Alpha Omega

Mad Mike - Triumvir of Alpha Omega

SigmundFreud - Triumvir of Alpha Omega

Galvin Mandorick - Triumvir of Alpha Omega

Signed for Unified Royal States Alliance

Agentlorelei, Basileus

DirtDiver, Ministry of Foreign

Mongoo, Ministry of Development

Signed for Aircastle

John Ron - CEO of Aircastle

Quazzy - CFO of Aircastle

Dragon Taxi - CIO of Aircastle

Signed for The Righteous Fist

The Righteous Fist General Assembly

Signed for Open Source Alliance

His Honor, Nolissar the All-Knowing, President of the OSA

Godfather89, Minister of External Affairs for the OSA

Signed for Rendition

Paint Your Target - Primus Inter Pares

Arcani Council of Rendition:



Hatman Returns

Signed for the City Of Rapture

Engel – The Engel in Engelstruck

Ada – The Struck in Engelstruck

Signed for Nordreich

Der Reichskaiser


Das Triumvirat

John C Calhoun


Oberherr Xenu

Die Reichsregierung

Samuel Houston - Minister of Foreign Affairs

SF Austin - Reichsgeneral

PuliSher - Minister of the Interior

pd73bassman - Minister of Recruiting

Ahumocles - Minister of Culture

Vinzent Zeppelin - Reichsbanker

Signed for Planet Express

ZoomZoomZoom - CEO

Ricardo - Captain

Yossarian - Delivery Boy

All employees must report to the new $30 billion NOIR headquarters and sign-up. Just try not to blow the place up.

Finally, remember to make sure this company newsletter does not make it to the public or else…. The company has consulted the “What if? Machine” and asked what would happen if an employee did and it isn't pretty…

tl;dr - Planet express is accepted into NOIR.

Edited by Ricardo
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O noes!! Moar alliances!!! Welcome and Congratulations to our Brothers in Planet Express. Now we are ONE treaty away instead of two treaties.

o/ From LoSS Recruitment/Education division :-D

I still had first embassy though ;)

If you take a look it has since been deleted. lawl

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What a good group.

Planet Express is still considered under Nemesis protection if they ever want it. And yes, that is a OD, ask us and receive.

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