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Five Hawaiian Weddings and a Funeral


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With the Karma War winding down, a throng of farkers decided to take a break from the recovery and rebuilding efforts.

It's summer; time for hitting the surf and working on that tan (as if one needs a tan after eating ten nukes).

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As everybody jumped online to contact their favorite former starship captain for a great deal on airfare and hotels,

unsettling rumors began circulating around Farkistan.

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The whispers grew louder. Our Submitter would be Subby no longer. The .gov spokesman predictably

denied the reports that a van filled with zebras was seen leaving the Farkistan Submitter's Palace in the dark of night.

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He was right about one thing. The van left the gov compound in broad daylight.

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Meanwhile, the call of the islands reached the lands of Farkistan. "Come one,

Come all to Hawaii! Land of Beaches, Boobs, Spam, Beer, Leis, and bacon-wrapped Roasted pig."

And Farkers answered "Aloha! Wot?"

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Tickets were purchased and it was off to the airport.

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And final plans were tweeted, twittered, whatever.

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Airport security screeners were as effective as usual at Farkistan International Airport.

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This was not the result of a full body search.

RavingMainyYak simply forgot his pants.

But then, that is another time honored Farkistani tradition.

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Finally we arrive ... stopping to pick up some authentic tee shirts for some local flavor.

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Once we're settled in, it's off to the beach for a massage. Getting pampered is so hawt.

But wait! There's work to do. You see, we brought everyone here for a

surprise wedding. Actually five weddings.

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After that we're taking a look at the venue for the wedding. It's sooooooooo romantic in the pictures I hope it looks like that. The party planner has been really nice so far (thanks Quad!) and he got a great setup I think.

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"In the name of the Bacon, Beer and Boobies, I pronounce you farker and farkette. You may now reacharound the bride." One down four to go.

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Randomly Jim could not wait to get beyond the "I do's" to the real matrimonial action. But he fell asleep.

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It was tough booking a place that could hold 350 people.

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These guys were a BIG help.

And while all of us rejoice for the happy newlyweds we would also like to take a minute to bring you some sad news. An era has come to an end. That what was is no more. The old shall perish and wither. YES! Cry unto the heaven's for their cruel twists of fate - he/she/it is dead. <--- Honestly, I've never been to sure about the zebra's gender. I've also been afraid to ask.

(EDIT: According to Emperor Norton I {ENI to his friends, if he had any} regarding zebra gender issues, Farkistan maintains a "don't ask, don't tail policy.")

The one that has been part of this alliance that we call Farkistan since time before remembering. That was there during the hard times, the good times and all the drunkenness in between. The one that was looked to when tough decisions had to be made. Our guide to safe waterholes on the broiling savanna. The Zebra is dead.

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The body was found washed up on the beach where the reception was meant to be held.

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Not to cast any doubt on our hosts for the wedding but the Zebra was last seen in the company of several natives all carrying pointed sticks and screaming "Aloha!" at the top of their lungs.

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A special investigator has been hired to look into the matter. We were already paying him anyway. After his show finished

its final season, he went on to become an ordained minister in the Church of Magnum. He gave us an awesome deal to perform

our ceremony (though the strands of chest hair in the wedding cake was disappointing).

As you can understand this has had a rather dramatic impact on us all. Between this and the weddings and erections being held it has certainly been an emotional period. Some of us took it worse than others though. It has been a closely kept secret within Farkistan that one of our oldest members, many times erected to difficult positions and long time submitter Emperor Norton I had for a long time been "intimately involved" maintained a very special friendship with the Zebra. News of its death took him completely by surprise and he is therefore stepping back to "come to terms with my life alone", as he himself puts it. His last act as Submitter was to organize the funeral service for his beloved Zebra and despite many objections he finally had his way.

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Invitations were sent out. It was a nice, not so quiet ceremony. The officiants made a very good point of life coming full circle.

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Elton John offered to play and sing a special version of his classic "Zebra in the Wind", but ENI himself insisted on performing

a heart rending version of "Time of my Life". He played a full set, including a ska cover of Simon and Garfunkle's "At the Zoo"

and a surprising tribute to Céline Dion, closing with "My Heart Will Go On"

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This could be the only fitting pine box.

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The mourners gathered on the beach to listen to The Dixie Flatline's stirring eulogy. Unfortunately, Dixie was passed out in his hotel bathtub, buried in ice and missing a kidney. Fireguy stepped in to offer a few words of farewell.

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ENI's striped steed was played out by Wouldy, Abbadon, soulatomic, and Tumultuous Papaya.

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Dinner was served on a custom designed dinner set.

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The main course, wrapped in bacon. (The bacon had already been eaten before anybody thought to snap a picture.)

So after this very trying ordeal it was rather a relief to have Quadriplegic erected as our new Submitter on the condition that he/she would immediately get rid of every single zebra striped object cluttering the Subby's office. It is going to be a busy month. And don't forget the magazines in the bottom left drawer. The one with the double padlocks.

And we erected a strange bunch of characters to TotalFark Council.

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The new wall hanging will go nicely in the Council Lounge.

Finally, the official announcement:

Farkistan's new .gov for July,

Submitter

Quadriplegic

TotalFark Council:

RavingMainyYak (SoC)

Janquel

Randomly Jim

Fluoroalien

FireGuy15207

Is it any wonder ENI retired?

Edited by Persephone3
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Wow, reading your announcement drunk was both more entertaining and much easier to understand. WTF???

It's my understanding that all Farkistani announcements are made with alcohol-induced stupor ASCII code. Subliminal drunkenness.

In other news, ENI was awesome.

As an addendum, I think National Geographic has a video of the Zebra in question being murdered by a lion.

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Wow, reading your announcement drunk was both more entertaining and much easier to understand. WTF???

Considering it was written and assembled with the aid of a splash of tonic water and a liter and a half of gin, it would seem logical that reading it drunk would make it all the more enjoyable.

/thanks for the kind words from the MiniTru team

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