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On this episode of 'The IRON Kegger'


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As IRON’s official US 'Hood Council representative, I’m providing my “beer reviews.” But I’m not reviewing any watered-down frosty mugged toastin’ ale.

I’m reviewing 40 ozs of Malt Liquor. Yeah that’s right, 40 oz.

Now some of you may drink to have a nice time, or to help with digestion. I drink to get bent. And if you are like me, you want to get there as quick as possible. So I’m not going to compare the barley and hops. I am going to focus on how it tastes to me, good night of drinking, and the affects. And if you have had some, you know the percentage of alcohol listed doesn’t always match what it does to you. So don’t get fooled.

I invite you do go to your local store and drink along with me. But if you are going to do this, I have some rules. And I just might use a term that you don’t know. Deal with it. There are several drinking violations that I’m not having.

Violations:

1. Not pouring out some for your dead homies. If you don’t haven’t lost any homies, pouring out to the brothers on lockdown is acceptable.

2. Pouring a 40 into a glass before drinking.

3. Putting the cap back on and “saving some for later.” If you can’t finish it, don’t crack it.

4. Asking a dude for a sip of his 40. There is a 40oz. per person rule.

5. Throwing up on my carpet. Take that outside if you feel sick.

6. Putting any covering over your 40 other than a brown paper bag. No 40oz. sleeves or knitted cozies.

7. Drinking 40’s ain’t for games. You want a game play beer pong with Miller Lite.

8. Putting your 40 oz. back in the fridge to get cold. Stop nursing it and get to sippin’.

9. Never having money when it’s time to pay. Come on, you can’t get $2.50?

10. Spillin’.

Now on to the drinks:

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Private Stock

Private Stock is a smooth 40 for a smooth time. Private Stock is like sitting on the curb with your boys nodding along to the radio. It’s a little too smooth for my taste; I like a little bit of a bite with mine. I don’t think I’ve ever really been bent with Private Stock, but I’ve been mellow. Loosens up the tounge well for freestylin’.

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King Cobra

BOOOOOOOO! This is a Malt Liquor? Oh HELLL no! Weak, weak, weak. If you see anybody drinking this you should give them the shady eye. If you are drinking this you must not have had other 40s. You better keep this one in the bag so other people don’t see the label. King Cobra? More like an earthworm wearing a hoodie.

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St. Ides

I had to stop drinking this a long time ago. It gave me the rams. It is really sweet and goes down easy…but then you find yourself getting angry for no good reason. Next morning you wake up with a massive hangover, a chipped tooth, one handcuff, and your boys telling you “Yo, we can NEVER go back there again.”

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Colt 45

Billy D ain’t never lied. It DOES work every time. Colt 45 is a little dangerous because it’s not as strong as some others, so when it’s nice and cold you throw it back really quick. You should buy two cause the first one is going to go quick. On a hot summer night a bottle of Colt hits the spot.

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Olde English 800

OE. The undisputed king. Nothing else even comes close. This is what a 40 should be. You might have to work yourself up to this one because you are going to fall in love. I’m sippin a 40 right now as I type this. I had to give a shout out to my brother-from-another-mother MCRABT on my bag. MMMMMmmMMMMm!!!!! OK, I have to go sit on the front steps and enjoy this.

Lata planet Bob, and the next time you are in #iron come crack one with ya boy.

Edit: Well I farked this up sorry Krash for messing up your name :facepalm:

Edited by Ruler with Plan X
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Man does this remind me of when I was just a lad going to my nation's finest institue of higher learning. 40 nights were regular affairs. You ever played "Edward Beerhands"? It's when you duct tape a 40 to each hand. Can't untape one until it's empty, so don't bother drinking from both equally. Drink one then the other. And drink the first one quick, cuz it's hard to get your fly undone with a beer taped to each hand.

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Man does this remind me of when I was just a lad going to my nation's finest institue of higher learning. 40 nights were regular affairs. You ever played "Edward Beerhands"? It's when you duct tape a 40 to each hand. Can't untape one until it's empty, so don't bother drinking from both equally. Drink one then the other. And drink the first one quick, cuz it's hard to get your fly undone with a beer taped to each hand.
Violations:

7. Drinking 40’s ain’t for games. You want a game play beer pong with Miller Lite.

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OOC: Now see, you're bringing back all those old memories of mine working in an inner city convenience store to help pay for college. Cleaning up after the stabbing in the parking lot (dude just had to bleed out all over the front door...). Standing by the knife rack at the deli counter and looking at the knives and the punk across the counter that stole an old man's $20 bill earlier in the day and came back to bust me up for reporting him to cops (he'd never have made it across the counter, I kept the knives sharp). Such good times. Little wonder I quit after several months and got a job at the campus working in the library.

IC: Nice reviews. Needs more Mickey's in the big mouth bottle.

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Edited by ChairmanHal
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These reviews are dead on.

I salute your taste, and may have to re-institute Malt Liqour Appreciation Night as a monthly holiday.

Also, avoid Colt 45 Double Malt. No 40 should require a spork for consumption.

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Man this brings me back to my youth,

/O OE, used to down 4 of those a night

/O Colt 45, for when your sick of OE

You forgot Corona comes in 40's for when you want a really light tasteless drunk

only game we ever played with 40's is 20Minutes

1 shot every 30 seconds for 20mins, then start again untill your the last man drinkin, but i dont know if this really counts as a game or just how your suposed to drink a 40 of OE

Edited by spreerider
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Oh god yes...reading that review made me want to go out and get some OE. If theres one drink Ive probably had the most in college its OE. So many 40oz and football nights :P

EDIT - Also, Hurricane is probaly the cheapest and weakest one Ive tried. Hurricanes = water

Edited by delgursh
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