Complete Geopolitical Collapse and You!(part 2)

[Max Rockatansky]

[OOC] Disclaimer: This is intended to inspire debate for the purposes of compiling a more comprehensive resource of the local wildlife. Think of me as sort of the Marlin Perkins(link) to CN's Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom(read the link, man. I'm not explaining who that guy is for three pages). I realize this doesn't apply to every single situation but it's as close to an accurate generalization as I could make it. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy...or don't. I'm not losing any sleep over it. Unless I am.[/OOC]

In my previous installment(link), we learned about the cyclical nature of life and death here on Planet Bob and how it applies to it's inhabitants. We observed that the current state of affairs are simply another part of a pattern that's emerged over the course of recorded history and that as a people, we tend to feel the need to destroy what we create. This is accepted as truth by the majority, as nobody else seems to have come up with a better idea at the time. Now we shall examine another fundamental aspect of life on Bob: Foreign Affairs.

Last time, we touched on the volatile nature of diplomatic relations between separate sovereign(in some cases) entities known as Alliances(unless they're not) or even larger entities known as Blocs(unless they're not). For the uninitiated, Alliances are tribal communities established by national rulers(bored people)who aspire to make their mark on the world stage of politics. In turn, Blocs are much larger tribal communities made up of alliances. In both cases, members of these tribes tend to be like-minded, or at the very least like-minded enough to band together for a myriad of reasons including(but not limited to),national defense, mutual economic growth, military growth, political growth, or any combination thereof. In this part of the series we shall delve further into the diplomatic arena/human cess pit that is the political landscape.

It has been said1 that "There is no such thing as an innocent man on Bob, unless you count the neutrals"2. A majority of this planet's inhabitants are guilty of having some blood on their hands. Some people know this and have come to terms with it by trying to make amends for past misdeeds. Others refuse to admit it, even though everybody knows it so they're not really fooling anybody except the inactive members of their tribes who only pop in to ask questions every once in a while, and could otherwise care less. Apathy is the largest political movement on Bob. The majority of the world's inhabitants really don't give a crap one way or another. Those with enough time and not a lot else going on make up a majority of the "people who care". While the rest of the "people who care" are insane fanatics who should seek professional help, probably a few prescription downers, and companionship. May I suggest a dog? Or possibly something you want to see naked3? In any event, this is evidenced by our Public Forum(as in like...these ones...right here...)as well as various Secure(unless you piss off Vox Populi) Communications Networks(IRC, Alliance forums..blah blah blah).

With all these things we have learned, breakdowns in communication still occur. What could be a cordial peace negotiation can turn into a obscenity laden "NO U!" fest in a matter of seconds. Diplomacy is almost literally, dog eat dog. This is especially true when some of the people you're dealing with can kick that $@! to pieces without breaking a sweat and they know it. There is a process involved. Time honored traditions that have become part of our way of life.

Step One: PRIVATE CHANNELS FTW!

Unless something is fundamentally wrong with you, always take your problems to the source. Just about every alliance and every bloc has a Headquarters(forums) or is on the Coldfront Satellite Network(/server irc.coldfront.net). If they're not then they're not cool and nobody cares. If the target of your grievance has multiple personality disdorder(different ruler/irc user name) then consult with his government. You're more likely to get help this way as people in government hate problems that should make them look weak,stupid or unable to handle business like a boss. If everyone but you thinks you're being stupid then they will ignore you. Have hope, for you still have options.

If you encounter the opposite, you are more likely to find success. It's like prison, everyone has their own corner of the yard and you have to pay respects if you want to pass through. Except on Bob it is considered your fault if you let yourself get $%&@ed in the shower ( tech raided, or worse). Alliances exist for a reason they'll say. They are correct. It's very difficult to exist with a pristine pooper without one, and even then there are no guarantees. Remember: You should always be able to rely on your friends to tell you if you're being stupid. Sometimes, though people show bad judgment and it has to be brought out into the open. Which brings us to...

Step Two: The Public Forum aka The Pit of Despair

Hate being ignored by people in person? Come here and do it! Here, diplomats and ordinary citizens gather from all over the world to spread news, information, misnews and misinformation. If you have a legitimate case, people will rally to you. If not then you will be ridiculed en masse. Either way, more than a few people will call your sexuality into question as they read from the same script. Some people will even answer their own questions regardless of what you've offered by way of response, and at least a few will tell you that you would've been better off handling this in private.

Interspersed in all the monosyllabic explanations as to why you suck are garrulous essays precisely describing in excruciating detail as to why you do, in fact, suck. On the flipside of that coin, you'll see the same sort of behavior exhibited by your friends and supporters...assuming you even have any to speak of. They'll be the ones hailing you(o/)and explaining to your detractors why they suck in similar fashion. If so, then your political point has been made and you were at least moderately successful. Regardless of intent, however, there are only four possible outcomes to such a brilliant(often used sarcastically) political move: You'll go back to being ignored, Someone declares war, you buy a first class ticket on the rocket ship to Planet Ar-El(the dreaded RL that everyone tries to avoid), or sometimes all at once creating a dramatic and soon forgotten mess on the way out. If you even get that lucky. As discussed in the last chapter, the end result culminating about once every year, is usually....

Step Three: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Planet Bob loves to fight, unless you've decided to remain neutral. In which case you don't, and are generally insulted publicly or at least spoken with in subtle distaste for doing so. Yet, even neutrals have spilled their blood in the dirt every rare once in a while. Usually because someone decides they can't stand to see them sitting there looking so...so...neutral. It's like their mocking everybody with their non-involvement. Violence is the "Go-To Guy" in most forms of diplomatic relations. After a while, everyone becomes desensitized, disenfranchised, demotivated, dismembered, demented, or distended and goes home. The Circle of Diplomacy is complete to begin once again.

In general, most problems are simply avoided using courtesy and manners. If anyone encounters a stranger that refuses to reason, they should run away and tell an adult. Don't be afraid to pass the buck to your friends with guns. Just don't be a dick. Because on Bob, civilization ends at roughly arm's length4.

1. By me, just now. I'm sure someone else did and will try to verbally castrate me over it. I know how you guys get. It's really not a big deal, unless it is.

2. Which some people don't. In fact, most people don't unless you count the time NPO counted GPA as one of the numbers on their list of "People to do bad stuff to." which is probably the only time anyone has counted a neutral. Unless they didn't.

3. I'm not making any judgments here, as long as everyone is of age, consenting, and you don't hurt the dog.

4. Hold out your arm and make a fist like you're going to punch somebody in the face. That's exactly where civilized behavior ends.

[TehChron]

A masterful analysis. Bravo.

[brass]

It's quite accurate, the only thing I can say bad about it is the font size, which was easily corrected with a keystroke.

Thanks for both installments!

Loved The Wild Kingdom, awesome show.

[HalfEmpty]

It's quite accurate, the only thing I can say bad about it is the font size, which was easily corrected with a keystroke.

Thanks for both installments!

Loved The Wild Kingdom, awesome show.

Perkins was a wimp, he always stayed in the helicopter while poor JIm rassled whatever swamp creature they wanted to tag.

[The Eye]

IC = World Affairs

[Max Rockatansky]

The font size was increased so that the numbers for the footnotes didn't interfere with the text. That and I'm blind as a mole. Need to get new specs. Aside from that, thanks. Glad you guys liked it. At least someone is capable of reading more than three sentences on these forums. More is on the way, I assure you.

[Solidus117]

"An irreverent take on contemporary politics. A must read."

- Militaria News Network (MNN)

[Heracles the Great]

I do enjoy your writings Von Shizer - please do continue

[rsoxbronco1]

"An irreverent take on contemporary politics. A must read."

- Militaria News Network (MNN)

Would you have preferred he write something about the risks of abandoning one bloc and joining another for the sake of temporary safety?

[Shep309]

What just happened?

[Max Rockatansky]

I...don't know... what's going on. But it does prove both my essays correct.

[Steelrat]

Nice essay sums it up even for the ones who don´t understand e-lawyering and with that i congratulate you, i´m always runnnnnnnnnning when the lawyers start to discuss.

[Max Rockatansky]

Nice essay sums it up even for the ones who don´t understand e-lawyering and with that i congratulate you, i´m always runnnnnnnnnning when the lawyers start to discuss.

Well then this guide should be quite helpful! Thanks.