Jump to content

What we have here is a failure to communicate


Recommended Posts

FAN.jpg

An Announcement From

THE FEDERATION OF ARMED NATIONS

Just for the official record, the Federation of Armed Nations would like to make it known that for the last 36 hours, we have been attempting to contact leadership of the New Pacific Order to discuss a peaceful resolution of the conflict between our alliances and we've run into a bit of a snag.

That snag is called stupid.

It's very hard to discuss something with somebody when they make it impossible for you to contact them. When they do everything anybody's ever thought of to cut off all avenues of communication - and that even includes having their allies ignore us, too - well, that kind of prevents us from reaching them pretty well.

In this case, we were trying to get to them with a proposal that could seriously reduce or maybe even head off the huge insertion-of-cattle-prod-in-rectum a little birdie told us they're close to getting.

Now. Let's look over all that again.

  1. The New Pacific Order is on the verge of getting shuckrolled in a war that's mostly being started over keeping people in eternal war.
  2. The only people left in eternal war with them is us.
  3. We're the only ones that can agree to end the war with them.
  4. Ending the war with us is the biggest, and maybe the only, thing that could get them far enough away to not get smacked when the big angry comes down.
  5. The most intelligent conclusion would be that in order to keep their derriere from being forfeit, they would make it as easy as possible to talk to us, even though we're in a bitter, bitter (double bitter dark amber in a chilled mug) war.
  6. Their solution to that major quandary?
  7. Make it impossible for us to talk to them.

That, folks, is frighteningly powerful stupid. That is the kind of stupid that mothers use to scare their children into good behavior at night.

That there is savagely stupid. It's instantly-historical stupid. That is weapons-grade stupid there.

No, scratch that - that's wieldable stupid beyond the realm of mere man. That there is the kind of stupid that you only read about in a fantasy novel with the cheap almost-softcore cover paintings, where the dwarves dig far too deep, hit a vein of pure stupid, and forge an epic weapon for a mythical hero from it. This is "Legendary Blessed Weapon of the Pantheon of Spirit-Gods Who Walk Across Time"-class stupid.

It's damn hard to even form thoughts of the magnitude of stupid coming out of that. I can't quantify that kind of stupid. There's nothing even close to it I can use to compare the scale of it... I can't even - yeesh, there's just so much pure stupid there, human language doesn't have words for it. Our brains can't process stupid like that. I can't tell anymore if it collapsed into a singularity of stupidity, or became more concentrated and pure than any stupid man has seen before. I mean, wow.

There's just - sweet crap, my brain is hurtin' here. I'm not even sure if it's still stupid anymore. Maybe it's transitioned to a different form, like a superheated-plasma phase of stupid, or a higher dimension of stupid that humans can't completely understand.

Maybe the NPO has discovered, and shown us all, a manifestation of stupid that the human brain simply cannot physically comprehend. They may have shown us stupid in a way we were never meant to discover until we'd evolved for a few thousand years more. The stupid they've unveiled here could now very well be capable of destroying humanity. This is stupid beyond imagination. This is stupid beyond reality. Even Chuck Norris couldn't defeat that kind of stupid.

Wow. Seriously.

...so anyhow, in closing, until they decide to put a lid on the stupidity and discuss possible Pacifican-bacon-saving peace with us sometime before they get rolled here in the next five minutes, the Federation of Armed Nations is officially saying that (as far as working things out at a level somewhere below apocalyptically) "we tried, they failed, they've earned it, let 'em have it."

We still got another hour and fifteen to go, Pacifica. You know where to find us. ...Just, y'know, wear a mask or something so we don't catch that stupid.

img0729d.jpg

Edited by He Who Has No Name
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 95
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

By making this public though, you've essentially made it impossible for them to not catch any of the blowback when the getback gets getting back.

In other words, even if they say "oh, my bad FAN, here's some peace" and you guys are all "word?" and they're all "word." and then you're all "I can dig it", people will know it was only because of this.

Man, space is messing with my brain a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why did this need an announcement? It doesn't sound like anything changed.

We wanted an official and public paper trail of two things:

1. Our stonewalled attempts to use diplomacy to be chivalrous, merciful, civilized, mature, and gracious in order to end the war and save their bacon

2. Their raw stupid

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, scratch that - that's wieldable stupid beyond the realm of mere man. That there is the kind of stupid that you only read about in a fantasy novel with the cheap almost-softcore cover paintings, where the dwarves dig far too deep, hit a vein of pure stupid, and forge an epic weapon for a mythical hero from it. This is "Legendary Blessed Weapon of the Pantheon of Spirit-Gods Who Walk Across Time"-class stupid.

This is as good as anything I've read here in a long time.

I'll also bandwagon in and demand gun porn.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[*]The New Pacific Order is on the verge of getting shuckrolled in a war that's mostly being started over keeping people in eternal war.

FAN's intelligence network must not be all it's claimed to be (i.e. they don't seem to read these forums) . I'm sure a lot of anti-Order people in this potential war have this grievance, but it's not caused by this and unlikely to be resolved by giving you peace.

While I'm not a cheering enthusiast of FAN, I do hope you get peace. Good luck!

edit: screwed up quote code.

Edited by Sal Paradise
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...