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Cardboard Tribune Issue I

Erwin Schrodinger

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Hello, welcome to the first issue of the Cardboard Tribune! Hopefully this will be a monthly publication, but that all depends on how the first one goes down. We will be publishing pieces written by our expert team of reporters, of varying degrees of seriousness.


Our first piece was written by a fine gentleman by the name of E. Schrödinger.

It has been over a week now since the horrid happenings of April Fools day, whereby Admin did his usual sneaky April Fools prank, and as usual, fooled many a citizen where April had finally reared its ugly head in. Of course, some people were displeased that it was not April where they were at. To those people, "Move!" If you want in on the jokes, and want to be fooled properly, move on over to the obviously superior time zone that Admin has chosen to start April fools on. All hail the Admin.

Anyway, so we got these mod panels all of a sudden. To my excitement, I found mine just minutes after it had appeared. I thought, "This is a great time for Schrödinger Industries, Inc. to finally rise and take over the world! .... by destroying everything." At which point, I let out an evil laugh, etc etc. Thus, I began my factories and awoke my workers (those peasants don't actually need sleep, right?), in order to begin my plight of chaos and destruction. My advising board and I sat down at our table, and discussed how we should start this. I proposed starting with the Vanguard nations of CN, as those would be the most easily unnoticed to be deleted. Afterall, I had to get through over 30,000 nations in order to be successful in turning Planet Bob into nonentity, without being reported to Admin before my plight was over. One of my advisers piped up something about my logic possibly being flawed. I think he was mumbling something about Vanguard being allies to my alliance, and that perhaps the unaligned nations would be best to start off with. I have no idea. But upon threat of being jabbed in the eye with a hot french fry, well, crap, he still persisted! Adding salt to the french fry, he quickly apologized and reminded everyone why I'm the wisest in CN.

With the advisers all approving my move on Vanguard (obviously the best move), I began with Revanche. Someone else piped up saying something how he'd be noticed missing. Reaching for my fry, he quickly STFU, too. Luckily for him, I had a spontaneous surge of laziness, and didn't really feel like pulling the fry all the way out. Too heavy.

Pushing the big red button, I found a message exclaiming my win and epic awesomeness. I felt that I may even be so epicly awesome as to be momentarily as awesome as SammyKhalifa, or perchance Molleh (imbored). Everyone in the nation of the Burmuda Islands was awoken to read the message of celebration that Schrödinger Industries was destroying everything. Everyone screamed with joy, and women were seen packing their most valuable objects and clothes, obviously as offerings to me, and in hopes of moving in with me. Apparently, women are stupid, since they all seemed to have been running away from the central of the nation (where I was located), and instead running out of the town. Must have been too excited to think straight.

My office and I began our celebrations, until some high adviser scrolled down on the confirmation screen. Stammering toward me, he said something about an April Fools joke, and that we had been played by the Almighty Admin. I looked at my calender, and realized that is exactly what day it was. Thus, I assumed he had been joking. But then... I did look at the screen. Admin had played me like a puppet. I ordered my spy ops to look up Revanche's nation to see if he was still alive and well. He was. In anger, I actually had the energy to pull out that salty french fry. But now it was cold, so I got a new one. I attempted to jab it into his eye, but missed a few times, because I was just a little bit tipsy from the celebration. Then James Bond or something came in to rescue him, but he was shot on site for making SUCH A TERRIBLE MOVIE recently.

Back in the planning room, my advisers and I decided it best to quickly pack up and erase all evidence of any use of this "mod panel". No one shall ever know that Schrödinger Industries was actually a mask for a much bigger operation, much like in the Austin Powers film. Admin may have foiled my plans this time, but I warn you... this shall not happen again.

Oh, the hilarity. But wait! Contain your mirth, for there is more where that came from!

Next up, we've got a collaborative work, written by imbored24470, Koel, and Benn.

Cardboard Hotboxing

This is a story of boredom, and finding new ways to use a Liberian Box. p0rksab3r, imbored24470, Benn and I were floating along in our boxes getting high, and it was getting pretty old. I had an idea, I told the others that we should connect our 3 good boxes, and make a small room type floating device, and use p0rksab3r's non-member SLCB as a bong, and we could hotbox the room. They all agreed, and I don't remember the outcome.

- Koel

As the boxes are pretty average sized, they filled with smoke fairly quickly. I was trying not to cough because none of the others were and I wanted to be cool and act like “one of the guys.” I know people have hotboxed before, but if you’ve never cardboard hotboxed, you’re truly missing out. The way the waves rock your box, you feel even more like you’re floating than you normally do getting high. I remember when I could finally take no more smoke, bursting through the top of my box and breathing in the fresh sea air. It was amazing, I could actually taste the ocean. I motioned for my comrades to join me looking out over the vast expanse of black. They were just as much in awe as I was. For awhile there was just silence as the four of us drifted along. Suddenly Koel burst out laughing, which caused the rest of us to join him. We continued laughing, unsure why, as our smoke filled boxes headed off towards the sunset. At this point, I decided to curl up in the corner of my box and take a nap.

- imbored24470

After laughing for quite some time at nothing, we all fell asleep. Later on that night, I was woken up to the sound of Koel's vape. After waking up and having a couple h00ts we felt lively and started to “Hotbox once again”. All of a sudden the four boxes flipped over and water started gushing into them. All their food was floating away but the only thing the Cardboard clan were concerned about was the bong and the mix. Koel clutched the bong as though it was his own child; I grabbed the mix and held it up out of the water to keep it dry, and Molleh saw the vape sinking down to the bottom of the ocean and dived after it risking her own life just so the clan can get high. Meanwhile p0rksab3r found a drifting log floating by. He grabbed on to it and made room for the clan. Molleh returned with the vape, and although it was quite wet, we dried it with the lighter. I handed Koel the mix and we started having h00ts once again. After awhile we sighted land. I went to tell Molleh but she was so high that she fell of the log and was drifting out to sea. Luckily p0rksab3r had a can of “BakeBeans” on hand so he ate them and then faced his $@! into the water and farted loudly. The log was like a jet boat! We zoomed past Molleh, picking her up on the way. Koel continued to refuel p0rksab3r with baked beans and eventually they reached land, their Seaworthy Boxes intact. The four of them jumped back into their Seaworthy Boxes and set sail, for the shores of Liberia!

- Benn

Think that was averagely awesome? Or perhaps this is on the boundaries of your tl;dr standards? Well, either way, we have just one more for you! The Box Populi section of this issue is a rare interview with the illustrious General, A Soviet Attack!


Boxes of the People

Cardboard Tribune Hoi, ASA. Normally I'd just ask you about recent happenings but given that this is the first ever publication of the Cardboard Tribune, I'll start with a broader question... Compared with what you expected when you and Jinger founded SLCB, how has it turned out?

A Soviet Attack Hmm, good question. When we founded it, we were really expecting it to last a week and then get stomped by raiders, and to be honest I'm surprised that didn't happen. We went a fair amount of time with a very small member-base, but somehow it's always felt comfortable. I'm very pleased with how SLCB has turned out, all in all.

CT Where did most of the membership come from? Random ingame messages, or just your general awesomeness coupled with Jingoist's stunning looks?

ASA Definitely not the first one... Barely any of our members came from in-game recruitment. Old friend's of Jingoist from his IMU days form a hefty portion of the alliance, as well as a bit of recruitment from Trukz, thanks to Grave. We're all far too lazy to bother with recruitment, heh.

CT With the laziness in terms of recruitment, yet the Seaworthiness involved, where do you see the alliance going from here?

ASA To koblenz, at a very leisurely pace! Nah, in all seriousness, I don't see our membership level increasing all that much in the forseeable future, but we've got a good community and I think with that in place, we can grow together into a small, but strong alliance. The foundations are all there, I think.

CT As a small and growing alliance, what kinds of foreign policies do you hold?

ASA Well as you know, we're limited to holding five MDPs (or higher) at any one time. Right now we have three, which are all very close bonds, as you'd expect. I don't like the state of the treaty web and I like to do my bit to keep it in shape, which is why we don't sign alot of treaties.

CT One of those treaties is the newly formed Stickmen Accords. How is that going for you?

ASA The stickmen are awesome. I really enjoyed working on the treaty, and I think it went down really well with the general public when we announced it. We're working together really well at the moment; communication is excellent between the three of us and I definitely think this is a bloc with a bright future.

CT Many a person in our peanut gallery must be wondering what exactly the goal is of the stickmen. Is it to take over the world, have fun, or just blow stuff up when one of them gets hurt?

ASA Well we realise that we're a small bunch, so we're being quite patient about our ultimate world domination plans. In the meantime, it's really just a group for likeminded alliances to stick together and provide common defence, while at the same time having fun. It does have a clause regarding the invitation of new signatories, and I think we'd all be open to using that clause if we could find the right guys.

CT What kind of 'guys' would make them 'right' do you suppose?

ASA Well, like I said, we are likeminded alliances, and as you might have noticed, we're all quite similar in size. So I suppose an alliance who fits the same description as the three of us would fit in great, but we'd want to get to know them first.

CT We've all heard the rumours that are flying around CN lately. What's your take on it all?

ASA Ah, I wondered when you'd get onto that! I've heard plenty of rumors but there's one that won't go away. I won't say it is and anyone in the know should be able to guess anyway. What with all the cancellations, though, I'm definitely expecting fireworks, and I don't expect to be waiting long, either.

CT There have also been rumors of an SLCB secret weapon. Will SLCB be using this, or are these just stories?

ASA We have crews working round the clock on Project X. We're a merciful bunch, and using it might be terribly mean... I guess it just depends on what mood we're in at the time. I assure you though, the rumours are true!

CT Well there it is! We now know for a fact that SLCB has been developing its own secret weapon. But now you've only made me more curious; any details about it you could share?

ASA Without ruining the surprise too much, I'll try. I can say that it's a living thing, and that if looked upon by an unknowing eye, it could be mistaken for a Finn with bad hair.

CT That sounds like quite the weapon. I'll make sure to stay on this end of our spear. But for now, I think that is all the time we have for the interview. Until next time folks, this is Erwin Rudolf Josef Alexander Schrödinger of Schrödinger Industries, wishing you all a Seaworthy day.

CT *from background* AND CUT!

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I was going to give this thread a hundred points, but then I saw The Great One mentioned, so I have to give it a thousand . . . nay, a million points.

This thread marks the dawn of a great new day for the world we know.

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