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Fark's April Council's Spring Break Trip


Arcane
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(For those of you still living in Mom's basement, you may wish to print this message, go up the stairs, knock on the basement door, and ask Mom to explain the first paragraph to you.)

Farkistan knows that most of us suck at life, especially with bringing children into this world, and raising them to become productive adults, prepared to work hard to provide Social Security benefits to an older generation. Lately, news reports have suggested that we don't send our kids to Cancun or other Mexican resort locations because they will simply get kidnapped and ransoms will follow. Never mind that we actually would rather have our kids never come back and let the kidnappers know we'd pay them for the service they provided. (Your Mom will likely translate that as "we love you so much and would never want anything bad to happen to you. Now come and give Momma a foot massage"). Like your parents, our Submitter, Emperor Norton I, wanted to offer the new members of TotalFark Council a memorable Spring Break experience. And with all the concerns about travel to Mexico, he decided that Panama City, FL, would be the more reasonable destination to send our erection winners. So goes it.

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Panama City. This place reeks of sandy vajay-jays (and by that we mean it's totally awesome). Candidates from Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Canadaland, and all those other past and present provinces of the British Empire who regularly complain about global warming but find themselves winter after winter buried in snow, took the long drive down to the fun 'n sun Florida.

Farkistan News Corps went to this popular Spring Break spot to see how our erection winners made out:

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Meet our new Speaker of the Council, RomeroLand. A 30 year old with the heart of a young boy ... preserved in formaldehyde and kept in a jar on his desk. We originally exposed this candidate as being bulimic but later determined he's just an attention whore, purposely choking on his own vomit just to get on the news. This isn't what your parents or your Subby sent you there for!

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A veteran Council member and professed "man of action", fluoroalien has been observing the natives of Planet Bob for nearly a third of a century. fluoro decided to take matters into his own hands by debunking the myth of shark jacking. A once notorious Spring Break ritual, he tied meat to his ankles in order to draw in the sharks of the sea. Once the shark took a chomp, he furiously pleasured the shark as the drunken beach dwellers rhythmically clapped at the performance.

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Spanky22, who is 27, has done the Spring Break thing several times. Now that he's older, he just wants to be off by himself. But being a stud muffin is the cross he bears. He sought refuge away from the chubby chasers at this clothing optional beach, where he was able to feast on bacon sammiches while tanning his muscular body. (That's not a six-pack, it's a keg.)

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Nuke Me Now is back and better than ever. But planning ahead is not his strong suit.

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He's a man of the moment. The trip from New Hampshire to Panama City was a bit longer than he or his credit card had anticipated, and he ran out of gas in Chattanooga, TN. Almost there buddy!

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Fortunately, the good old boys at the Delta House on the Chattanooga University campus offered to show him a good time. A really good time for Nuke in the woods outside of town.

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Here's Nuke and his new country pal who is apparently another lover of bacon since he kept telling Nuke to "squeal like a pig."

The ageless Ackbarican Idol had been hoping to end his sled and purchase his next Wonder using the free wi-fi at the beach.

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But, alas, it was not to be. Stormy weather in the Midwest disrupted commercial air traffic and instead of sun and fun, AI's Spring Break involved inhaling the fartal remains of other travelers while trying to catch some sleep after not one, not two, but 5 separate connecting flights were canceled.

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Meanwhile, a special erection was held a few days before the April erections to fill the vacant Council seat once held by Princess Jules, who has relocated to a new castle.

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Instead of going on Spring Break, Rheal Lubb, seen here appearing to study the Farkistan Official Government Manual of Oppression, enjoyed a three day reign of terror spent all his time searching for his favorite bong, forgetting in the smoky haze of the TotalFark Council Lounge, that he had let his buddy Michael borrow it for a party a few months ago. With the shortest TF council term in living memory, Rheal is now the William Henry Harrison of Fark. Except that he's not dead.

Eventually everybody returned safely home to Farkistan. We are now under the ruthless yoke of our new TotalFark Council for April:

RomeroLand (SotC)

fluoroalien

Spanky22

Ackbarican Idol

Nuke Me Please

May the gods save Farkistan.

Edited by Arcane
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