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Captain Enema

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Above the frosty peaks of Geneva a massive Swiss flag rose. Several volleys of rifle shots echo in the background as hundreds of men render a proper salute to their rising flag. Thousands of teary eyed citizens rejoice as Switzerland celebrates its long history of independence and neutrality. 




Welcome world!

Remember, our banks, watches, pocket knives are the best in the world!


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"The same invitation is extended to Poland."


Ambassador (without portfolio) Guisin would find his orders to depart to Poland on his desk upon arrival to work first thing in the morning. A large stack of documents would reveal to him his operating budget, staff, and a small detachment of Swiss Army for security. The Ambassador has strict orders to perform economic, cultural, and business affairs without violating local Polish laws. Some might use their embassies as a bastion of espionage, the Swiss not so much. 




National Redoubt Upgrade Project approved, full funding, construction for refurbishing the entire redoubt system will commence immediately. All 75 mm cannon emplacements to be replaced with 105 mm artillery pieces. The 75 caliber weapons will be converted to fit mountain warfare caissons and issued to Swiss Army Mountain Infantry units. 



Edited by Tidy Bowl Man
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Geneva Times Tribune Oped


"Our people have had demonstrated a certain interest in international affairs that has not previous been demonstrated in years gone by. Much of this is driven by Great War Veterans who served in foreign armies. These men are spearheading a greater involvement in the international affairs of the world. An involvement that goes beyond the boundaries of our beloved neutrality. Will we be neutral no more?"


Letter to the editor


"I served in the French Foreign Legion at Verdun,

I say we Swiss must reach out and make allies

with neighbors that will provide for our long term

security. The world is changing, we must change

with it."


- Harve Le Clerc


"My nephew died in the Great War in a British gas

attack. The letter informing my sister of his death

sits on the mantlepiece to this day with a picture of

him proudly wearing his uniform. Will making allies

ensure that this sort of war visits Switzerland?


It is hard to say, but I do believe that making allies

will prevent us from suffering the ravages of this

sort of war by ourselves. Let's be real, some of the

forces at play in this world today have no respect

for history. They'll laugh at our history and drop bombs

on us at the same time."


- Heinreich De Heine

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Geneva Herald Tribune


"Street demonstrations have been breaking out across Geneva. These marches and protests are calling for an immediate vote to revoke Switzerland's long held status as a neutral entity. So far these protests and marches are peaceful and the police are quietly redirecting traffic around them. The participants in these actions are likewise being civil and taking great care not to block sidewalks and streets."

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Geneva Herald Tribune


"A State of Emergency has been declared in Switzerland. The Swiss Federal Government has instituted a nationwide curfew for all civilians to be in their homes one hour before nightfall. All doors and windows are to be heavily barred and locked. Members of the Swiss Militia are required to report to their armories for the duration of the emergency."



Alpine Village of Pijui


An aerial reconnaissance of the city would take notice of several strange appearing lights. Small shapes appeared to be pouring out of those lights. The aircraft, a pair of Swiss Air Force P-40 Fighters would then pulled from the sky after attempting to fly closer for a better look. A third P-40 would report that it appeared as if the combat aircraft were pulled from the skies by large invisible hands and smashed to the ground with great force. 


The surviving P-40 would attempt a single high speed strafing run on the lights and scrambling unidentified figures and managed to make it back to base unscathed. Upon returning to base the gun camera footage was examined, distributed directly to higher authorities, and at that time a full scale alert was issued for the surrounding Military District #3. 


The 10th Mountain Infantry, the 501st, 502nd, and 503rd Light Infantry Regiments were ordered out of their barracks and told to begin moving with strength and speed towards the village of Pijui. Once there they have orders to probe, surround, and hold in place the intruders. Follow on units would bring artillery, Dive Bombers, and two more Mountain Infantry Divisions. The terrain around Pijui isn't the type one would willingly send a column of tanks, but the next village over, a small lowland village named Hite, is deemed sufficient for deploying a tank regiment. 




The Alpine Redoubt Forts are ordered to close off Switzerland to the world. No one in, no one out. The only explanation offered, flu pandemic. 

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Pijui was in flames. The small alpine village that once boasted of stunning views and fantastic skiing is now a mess of shell craters, corpses, and raging fires. Bodies of the fallen soldiers of the 10th Mountain Infantry lay heaped here and there where they attempted to make a stand against the oncoming tidal wave of monstorous creatures that still flood out of the strange lights to the north of Pijui. "Sir, the 502nd Light Infantry has fallen off the air completely," a voice informed General Petain. 


"Damn it, I had hoped they would escape the pocket they had got caught in. Didn't the divisional artillery train give them the fires support they requested?" Petain asked. 


"Divisional Artillery was overrun and wiped out sir."


"God help us, very well, as our one slim advantage in this mess was our artillery, I'm passing the word, everyone drop back south of Cass and absolutely south of the River. Inform Geneva of my intention to reform the 10th, the 501st, and the 503rd into a single unit. Request they rush replacements, fresh divisions, and every piece of artillery they can muster to the Cass Line. We'll try to hold the Hellbeasts there as long as we can. Advise they begin constructing a secondary line farther south in the narrower valleys," Petain said as he listened to the crackle of rifle fire.


The initial advance to Pijui had been uneventful. Scouts from the 10th Mountain Division had moved into the village and found it deserted. Petain ordered the 502nd forward to secure the village in strength with the 10th Mountain's Artillery range finding equipment working overtime to lay out firing plans. The 10th Mountain had not been awash in artillery as a regular infantry division, but the four batteries of 75 mm howitzers and 2 attached batteries of 105 mm howitzers were well drilled, well at least they had been until the hellbeasts caught up with them. 


The 502nd had reported everything going smoothly and then with extreme suddenness, everything was going the exact opposite of smooth. The Hellbeasts, so named by a trooper of the 502nd, has appeared out of no where and charged into the unprepared ranks of the Light Infantrymen. The shocked, frightened, and woefully unprepared soldiers gave as good of an account of themselves as they were able to under the incredibly poor circumstances. Their efforts had not gone unnoticed by Petain who responded to the screams for help by ordering his divisional artillery to cut lose in advance of a relieving attack by the 10th Mountain.


Things only got worst from there and then they got even worsts as news came back that the Hellbeasts were eating captives alive. The surviving members of the 502nd managed to form a small perimeter on the football pitch and a nearby school ground. Once they had scratched out a rough blood soaked line they gave even a better account of themselves as artillery fire screamed in to support them. The 10th, the 503rd, and the 501st launched a combined relieving attack that promptly was hammered to pieces by screaming Hellbeasts who appeared out of thin air and drug their victims to the deaths. 


Petain stopped reflecting on the last four hours and turned his attention to matters at hand. "Right, let's pull back. Tell the tankers outside of Cass that they are going to earn their hazardous duty pay for a change, let's see how these Hellbeasts enjoy tangling with Guderian's tankers."

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Village of Cass


Colonel Guderian winced as another one of his Panzer III tanks exploded. From the stinking, dark, and noisy bowels of his command tank he carefully monitors the ongoing fight. The Hellbeasts had been beaten back by his regiment repeatedly. Each time they exacted their toll and each time they retreated, they soon returned. Battalions became companies, companies became platoons, and platoons shriveled down to squads, yet his black suited tankers fought with all their will and might. 


The arrival of numerous pieces of heavier artillery that could range longer than the few 105 mm pieces at the Cass line proved an amazing boon. The screaming arrival of 180 mm rounds often were enough to scatter the Hellbeasts. Time and time again entire concentrations of the vile creatures had been scorched from the earth with fire and steel. Yet, each time one group was incinerated, another group or even two more would appear. The seven days that Guderian's regiment bought the battled 10th Mountain had not been spent in vain. 


The 9th Mountain Brigade had been rushed in from Bern by train. The 8000 straight shooting hard fighting men were poured right into the entire left flank of the Cass line. The 10th Mountain had been downsized to that of an oversized brigade with attached battalions from the remainders of the 501st, 502nd, and 503rd regiments. Petain had called on the government to send forward as many artillery pieces and ammunition as they could muster. He also ordered several reserve regiments to send forward their machine gun teams directly to the 1st and 2nd lines. Four reserve regiments had arrived and taken their place in the 2nd line, and rumor has it that Petain intends to order them to rotate out with the 10th Mountain in the very near future. In the rear of the Cass line space was starting to become so constricted due to the munitions dumps and artillery pieces. 


The frontlines were issued out several dozen quickly modified smoothbore 75 mm mountain infantry howitzers. These oddball weapons had no place on a modern battlefield yet were expected to do well against the masses of charging Hellbeasts. The rear of the Cass line became home to dozens of 105, 155, and 180 mm artillery pieces. There was even talk of bringing forward a few of the larger pieces or purchasing one of the rail mounted behemoths that the Germans used to hit Paris during the last war. A small air strip aided greatly in resupply as transport planes took of and landed every couple of minutes.


The airstrip also played host to a wing of Ju-87 divebombers. The planes had been operating against the Hellbeasts on a daily basis and had discovered that the creatures were impotent to act against aircraft over five hundred feet. B-17 flights droned over daily and unloaded their bombs on the odd lights that were the source of the Hellbeasts.  An occasional surge of light marked a hit on these gates as they were being called. The pilots and troops joked that a 500 pounder had just dropped on ol' pointy beard head. The B-17s weren't what you'd classify as terribly accurate but the number of flights made up for the lack of accuracy with sheer enthusiasm.


The Swiss government had turned the Pijui/Cass conflict area into a national crisis zone and declared it a major epidemic. News was restricted by the simple expedient of activating the reserve commissions and enlistments of most Swiss reporters.  Foreign reporters suddenly would be quietly escorted to the airport, given a box of chocolate and the sincere apologies of the Swiss government and sent back to their country of origin. To further isolate the region the minor access routes so far ignored by the Hellbeasts were heavily fortified with Mountain Infantry, mortars, machine guns, and artillery. 


Petain watched the last of the battered tanks splash their way out of the river and up the banks of the Cass line. He gave Guderian and his tankers a salute as the clanked by. The 7 days that crazy tanker had bought, was already being whispered as the Cass Miracle and more than one person had spoken of Saint Guderian. All the jokes set aside, there was certainly a religious overtone to this whole terrifyingly bizarre experience. Petain watched as the horizon lit up red again, another direct hit on the gate. 'Where does that gate lead?' he asked himself and really couldn't find any good answers.




"GOD DAMN YOU SWISS @#$#@#$#@, YOU BLEW UP MY SAUNA!" Lucifer screamed.



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Cass Line


The hammering of the 180 mm guns had been thundering on for nearly an hour. Petain had given up trying to sleep as there really was no point in bothering due to it. He couldn't complain though, each howling 180 mm shell was surely destined to save the life of a Swiss soldier as it passed over the Cass Line and into the ranks of the Hellbeasts. Intense bombardments of several hours had grown more frequent of late, which was proving worrisome to Petain. 


Frustrated Hellbeasts had been battering the Cass Line in relentless waves for weeks now with no luck. They advanced under the withering fire of artillery, rifles, mortars, machine guns, and airplanes. Three batteries of 210 mm artillery pieces were being placed and would be brought to bear as soon as possible. Bombing raids of two to three hundred B-17s dropping their payloads at the same time were a daily event. Despite all of this hail of fire and fury, the Hellbeasts still made their daily appearance. 


Not only were they assaulting the Cass Line in record numbers on a daily basis, they were now hitting the less traveled routes out of the area. The work of Petain had rewarded all of Switzerland by earlier creating well defended blocking points. The Hellbeasts weren't hitting the Cass Redoubts, as they were being called, as hard as they were hitting the Cass Line, but the urgency was there and it was growing. A glimmer of a troublesome notion formed in Petain's mind as he laid in his cot being rocked back and forth by the recoil of cannons. 


"If they can't fight their way through, what if they....," thought Petain as he vaulted out of his cot and ran out the door. 




"Those damn Swiss found our tunnel?" asked the devil in a full blaring scream of rage.


"Yes master."


"Why in the world did you idiots pick Switzerland to stage the Apocalypse through?" demanded the devil with his trademark furious roar.


"Sir, we felt if we attempted to invade through China we'd be eaten due to the rumors that the Chinese will simply consume everything with its back to the sun."


"THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN THAT LITERALLY," the devil bellowed out with his howling scream.


"Sir, it's China...."

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Cass Line


The X Corp had been rotating its units onto the Cass Line for most of the day. Battle weary soldiers were rotated out platoon at a time and replaced with a fresh, well equipped, and highly trained X Corp platoon. Significant differences right from the beginning between the X Corp and the Valley Corp were to be seen in the M1 Garand rifles, Thompson Submachine Guns, and Browning Automatic Rifles being handled by the fresh troops. It had been decided previously to hold the Valley Corp in place long enough to properly outfit the X Corp with modern equipment to add to its fighting strength. 


The Valley Corp, a badly reduced formation of 37,000 men would go into reserve for a period of rest and rebuilding. While in reserve the X Corp and its 80,000 men would firmly seal the Cass Conflict Zone in advance of a major push to drive the Hellbeasts back to their arrival point. Once there the gates that allowed them access to Switzerland would be kept under heavy fire until they were closed. Or at least that is the plan and as far as plans go it has quite a few obvious weak points, notably the actual pushing back of the Hellbeasts.


It was all good and well to sit on the defensive and allow them to spend themselves like mindless beasts upon Swiss lines. Every other attempt to meet them in a battle of movement had ended in failure. The 502nd Regiment had been reduced to that of an over-strength company during the fight in Pijui. The retreat from Pijui, the fighting around the village of Cass, and the armored operations had exacted a toll of 70 percent of the forces involved. The 10th Mountain Division had replaced its numbers so frequently that several of its companies posted a 250 percent casualty rate. What worked was concentrated firepower and that firepower tended to be delivered by the heavy steel of Swiss artillery.


Which was why Petain favored a different approach, the approach of using a pair of 15 cm rail mounted siege guns. He postulated that using these weapons would bring the gates under heavy direct fire. Further, he advocated the easing of restrictions banning the use of Ju-87s directly against the gates. If he had it his way he'd be flying a Ju-87 himself right into the maw of that gate just before sending a high explosive bomb into whatever hell spawned the vicious beasts that bedeviled the Swiss people. 


While he had been overruled on the idea of a direct assault, they did listen to him on the matter of heeding Guderian's advice. His advice being the building of a specialized armored force for attacking the gate. He had called for the building of a tank far more armed and armored than the Panzer 3 tank currently in use. The name of this beast had not yet been chosen but Guderian himself had been asked to lead the force. He accepted on the condition Petain would be in control of the overall battle and would be allowed to deploy forces in the manner of his choosing. 


St. Guderian, the creator of the Seven Day Miracle, had won his argument. Petain would lead the Valley Corp, the X Corp, and the soon to be raised and organized XI Corp. The rail cannons were to be built as per his request, two hundred more 7.2 inch siege howitzers deployed, and hundreds of other items seen to before the assault would proceed. It would be a monumental undertaking that would strain every fiber of the Swiss economy and military, yet it was already obvious to all that it was a necessary strain. 

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