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The Peaceful Nuclear Bacon Accords


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Silence. Oh, the dreadful silence.

I remember a day when the outside world around me was once filled with music. The voices of happy drunks stumbling and frolicking through the streets, moving from bar to bar and singing, or rather attempting to sing, the latest drinking songs of the day.

I liked the voices, the way they soothed me as a symphony used to soothe my grandfather's nerves. He was always angry about something or another and usually playing some Bach chilled him out, I never quite understood why.

I remember the day the missiles left their silos, my grandfather called to yell at me for never calling him. Then he hung up. I called him back and said, "See, Grampy! I DO call you!" and then I hung up. Wasn't much else to say, I suppose. Knowing him, he was dancing naked in the street while Beethoven's 5th was playing, reaching to the sky in vain to catch the first warhead himself. Likely so he could scream at it, the poor old coot.

I remember the last time I heard the birds, drowned out by the sounds of the Tu-160's flying overhead on their way to... My Holy Emperor, who were we even fighting that day?

I retreated to my shelter and waited out until Update. Surely it was safe to stick my head out now, perhaps even exact my own revenge, perhaps I'll find some of my brethren who are looking for the same.

"Hello, Friend," a voice said from the ash and smoke that surrounded the entrance to my shelter. I couldn't believe it. Someone out there was alive! Alive and...


I saw two rather hearty gentlemen sitting in the midst of what used to be my house. Both looked at me and as I stared back numbly, I could see one wearing the somber robes of a member of the Guru Order, the other was wearing an old tattered football jersey and was adopting a huge grin.

As I focused my eyes a bit more, I recognized the GO member as being a good friend and neighbor of mine, just as his alliance has been to mine. Good folks in a fight and best friends in peace and war.

The GO guy tossed me a beer. "Drink this, friend Farker, and sit with us."

So, I did.

"Have you met my friend Nuclear Proliferation League?" the GO member queried as he stroked his long, silky beard.

I hadn't. I reached to shake the NPL guy's hand, attempting to ignore the fact that his hand was almost scaldingly hot and seemed to glow with a sickly greenish hue.

"Good to meet ya," I grumbled as I slyly stuck my hand in the open ice chest to cool it off. I tried to hide my wince as the coldness of the ice inside reacted with the heat radiating from my hand.

My GO neighbor absently twisted the end of his beard around his finger and grinned, "careful, Fark, you'll warm your beer."

Instinctively, I removed my hand in a flash. A warm beer was good for some, but I always liked mine served cold. "That's quite a grip you have there, NPL, how are you with bacon?"

The Guru nodded towards NPL. "Show him, I think Fark will be most pleased."

NPL reached into the cooler by his feet and removed a slab of the finest Farkistani bacon, lovingly seasoned by our Holy Emperor himself and cured to perfection. He covered a piece with his hands and I could hear, and smell, the crackling bacon cooking.

After a moment, NPL opened his hands and passed it over. By far, it was the most delicious bacon I had ever eaten, cooked to perfection.

"How are you with steak?" I gulped between greedy mouthfuls of Farkistan's finest pork product.

GO laughed. "While you are eating and drinking your fill, I'd like to talk to you, friend Fark, about NPL. I think he may be the friend that you and I have been searching for."

"Yeah, great," I said between mouthfuls of bacon, "just keep the bacon coming."

Hours passed as I sat there stuffing my face and listening to GO's account of NPL's fantastic adventures. I had to admit, the guy sure knew how to fix bacon!

After GO finished, he leaned back and nodded over in the direction of NPL, who sat up and looked me straight in the eye. "So, Fark, GO's told me all about you and you have heard my tale. My people still have a lot of growing to do and we really could benefit from your knowledge of brewing. The beer we have, sadly, tastes of plutonium and the aftertaste feels like the crater from a 12kt detonation. Likewise, my people would draw great benefit from studying the principles of harmony and friendship from GO's people."

I cast a glance towards the Guru, who smiled and nodded serenely. I turned back to NPL and asked, "you willing to teach us your quick heating methods for cooking our bacon so perfectly?"

NPL grinned, his teeth glowing a blindingly flashing white "of course!"

"Ok, I'm sold," I replied, "but let's get some ground rules established..."

And so it was that the following agreement was reached between Farkistan, Guru Order and the Nuclear Proliferation League:

[center][size=5][b][u]The Peaceful Nuclear Bacon Accords[/u][/b][/size][/center]

[b][u]Article I - Trinity[/u][/b]

Guru Order and Farkistan hereby enter into this protectorate with the Nuclear Proliferation League.

[b][u]Article II - Able[/u][/b]

I. Guru Order, Farkistan and Nuclear Proliferation League shall each maintain their own individual sovereignty.

II. The Nuclear Proliferation League shall be provided with advisors from the Guru Order and Farkistan to help guide the alliance in all matters pertaining to Economics, Internal Affairs, Foreign Affairs, Military Affairs and Organization.

[b][u]Article III - Baker[/u][/b]

I. The Nuclear Proliferation League promises to provide fresh cooked bacon to Farkistan when supplies are low. In return, Guru Order and Farkistan pledge to provide financial, technological, military, political and resource trading assistance to the Nuclear Proliferation League as needed.

II. Farkistan will provide the beer and the Guru Order will provide the groovy tunes and relaxation mats to NPL as part of this agreement. NPL is entitled to, without obligation, pledge financial, technological, military, political, and resource trading assistance to Farkistan and the Guru Order.

[b][u]Article IV - X-Ray[/u][/b]

I. An attack upon the Nuclear Proliferation League by any nation or alliance is considered an attack upon Farkistan and Guru Order, and as such Farkistan and the Guru Order hereby pledges its unconditional defense of the Nuclear Proliferation League at all times. Likewise, if either Farkistan or Guru Order is attacked, the Nuclear Proliferation League may, without obligation, pledge military support for the defense of Farkistan or the Guru Order.

II. Either party may request, without obligation to the other signatories, any assistance in an aggressive war at any time.

III. In cases where attacks are launched upon one signatory by another signatory, the offending alliance agrees to pay up to 150% of all damages incurred.

[b][u]Article V - Tsar Bomba[/u][/b]

I. Should all parties agree to cancel this treaty, a period of 48 hours will remain in effect in which, the articles of the treaty will remain valid.

Signed on the 26th Day of June in the year 2011,

[b]Signed for Farkistan:[/b]

905 - Submitter
ManwithplanX - Squirrel
Tumultuous_Papaya - Speaker of the Totalfark Council
BozDaBoz - Totalfark Council
Happy the Hobo - Totalfark Council
Crocodilly_Pontifex - Totalfark Council

[b]Signed for Guru Order:[/b]

Mentor Prime Minister (PM)
Wolvinov Minister of Foreign Affairs (MoFA)
wickes Minister of Internal Affairs (MoIA)
kleven316 Minister of Finance (MoF)

[b]Signed for the Nuclear Proliferation League:[/b]




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[quote name='President S O' timestamp='1309240748' post='2743272']
Gotta say, didn't expect NPL to move close to Fark.

Wally :P:blink:

Edit: Its Wally, not Wallky.

Well you see when we calculated the amount of Beer and Bacon we would require to fully stock our Nuclear Bunker network it become quickly obvious there was only one AA we could turn to for that level of supply....

...FARK :wub:

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I :wub: you guys! Im soo happy to finally see this in writing.. I cant wait to make some more Farkistani bacon and have some Guru beer with that :wub:

And omg, its Dajobo! :wub: im heading over there with an embassy for ya with king Wally :)

Edited by FearUnited
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