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Over 4 years of CN, and a long incoherent apology to those who once called me "friend"


Mason
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Who am I? To most of you...nobody. Many will read and ask "Who are you?", and that's ok. I never tried to be the best known or most popular player, but like everyone else, I have my own little corner of the Cyberverse and no matter how small that corner may be, that still makes me a cog in the wheels that keep CN spinning. So, for anyone who does know of me or care to read this little exposé, I'm going to use my 15 minutes to travel down a road paved with good intentions that didn't always come to fruition.

Recently, I re-established the Global United Nations. Doing so led to some negative, albeit well-deserved, comments and criticism from people I used to call "friend", and it got me thinking. I thought about the bridges I've burned, people I've let down, and mistakes I've made in the course of my 4 years here on Bob. And, I'm not going to lie. You don't know me and never were my friend, well, I honestly don't care much about what you think considering you're in no position to judge. But for those that were and fall in the aforementioned categories, honestly, it hurts. It bothers me to reflect on my career in CN and see how many of my own actions have affected others, and not in a good way. When this is said and done, it may not have changed how they feel about me at all. My hope is that it will, but at the least, I can say I took it upon myself to try to do the right thing for once and stay on that course. This story isn’t to cover every chronological aspect of my time in CN. It’s to tell the unbiased truth of mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve wronged, and a few highlights along the way. Shall we begin?

[u][b]Reagan/Zhaan/Ethan Hunt/Gabe Logan/Skywalker/Mason[/b][/u]

Several months into playing CN, I partnered up with some other people to form the Global United Nations (GUN). Up until this time, I was just a no0b getting my feet wet and trying to stay out of trouble. In that first few months, I spent a very brief time in FAN (due to my RL friend that was in FAN and introduced me to CN), BoSS, GOLD, and NPO. I want to say I began the game as Reagan and used it during my stint in FAN and BoSS, before re-rolling as Ethan Hunt and joining NPO, after which I re-rolled again as Zhaan and formed GUN. But NPO and Ethan may have been after GUN. I’m not sure. Anyway…why so many changes so early on? I can’t recall exactly. Knowing me, it was boredom, and maybe some rookie mistakes that led me to want to re-invent myself. Unfortunately, this would become a pattern …only spread out a little more.
GUN was my first stable act. By stable, I mean it was the first time something felt like “home” in CN, and I was surrounded by people I had only met online, but that had built solid friendships with. People I respected, and that respected me. Most of the charter members had already become friends in CN’s sister game of the time, Cyber Citizens. We built and grew an alliance at a time that was much different in CN than what it is today. A group of relatively unknowns with only moderate experience were able to come together and make something flourish that wouldn’t stand much of a chance in the modern landscape. We did well for the first few months. There were 3 of us who pretty much ran the show. Myself, mglockwo, and oldboy. Others were coming on board who were very talented and really helping the alliance grow. People like Fallin and Tupac were developing tech programs and contributing to areas in ways that were outstanding. Truth was, and we kept it in private conversation, but at the time, these guys were a hell of a lot smarter than we were. I remember discussing it in private chambers (we didn’t really use irc much back then), and the three of us agreeing that we basically didn’t even understand the complexity of what GUN was getting into or how to manage it. GUN was becoming a tech selling powerhouse, new members were pouring in, FA was rolling, and so much was going on that I remember Oldboy and I agreeing that we wanted to step back and let others lead the alliance who understood the mechanics of CN more than we did. We ended up taking an “Emeritus” status in the alliance. This was really the beginning of the end of my credibility as a solid leader in CN.

GUN soon began to self-destruct. Not because of us not being the leaders anymore or anyone else who took over. Had to do with several issues. Those who had worked hard to establish some of our more complex programs ended up leaving for a while, but we made the mistake of not training others to take over and keep things running . Once productive elements in GUN began to collect dust and with mglockwo’s departure, recruitment slowed dramatically. GUN also faced a conflict that erupted due to one of our Singaporean members (we had a large influx of them recruited by Fred5 from somewhere), offended someone else and long story short, the GUN-BLEU war came about. If I recall, I had already left by the time the war took place. My first noteable mistake. Many felt I abandoned the alliance. I felt I wasn’t competent enough to be the leader they had pictured me as and I wanted to gain some more experience. If my memory serves, it was during that time that I re-rolled and joined NPO as Ethan Hunt. But, it could have been before I ever started GUN, as I stated in the opening paragraph. Really can’t recall. Then the largest and most feared alliance in the game, I thought it would be the perfect place to learn more about the game and how to set up and lead an alliance.

I did learn some, mostly just about how they were structured differently than the democracy we had built and how things worked, but I also remember feeling like a peon and again, not fitting in very well. I can’t say exactly when this was other than to tell you I was only there a month or so and during that time, Dilber became the new Emperor.

There’s a lot after that which gets real hazy. My memory isn’t exactly razor-sharp. I know that after GUN, I formed TROY, which I think was the second time someone had done the theme and it didn’t last long. I also jumped around to other larger and smaller alliances for brief times, usually just to learn more about what worked and didn’t work for each of them. And, each time I learned something new. And, sometimes I was over-eager and felt I knew more than they did so I would put my foot in my mouth and come off arrogant and piss people off. This was the case during a brief stay at Genesis, for one. I don’t even know which nation I had or name I used at that time, but I learned a little more about humility.
At one point, I joined ODN under the name of Gabe Logan. That was honestly my best experience outside of GUN. I was only there a couple of months or so and at that point, I had been out of CN for a couple of months before returning, assuming the new identity and joining ODN. To this day, I am still most impressed with the structure of ODN and how willing the long-standing members who were and many who still are in leadership, helped me as a new member and the way their programs were designed to advance those who wanted it and were willing to put forth the effort. I’d say I gained more experience in those two months than at any other time to date. I ended up working as a Deputy under Arsenal during his time of leading FA, shortly before he became the Secretary-General. Class act. And, I was gaining respect within their community and had real opportunity there. But, again, I blew it, striking out early to go back to GUN.

[b]Allow me interject here to offer some explanation. CN was my first introduction to online gaming. I had never been in an alliance or knew anything about offsite forums. But, I have always been artistically inclined, as well as curious about how things work. My skills in forum creation, being an admin, and all of that were absolutely zero when I began, but it fascinated me and I wanted to learn more about how to design and how to operate things behind the scenes. Before GUN, I began experimenting with my first alliances over in Cyber Citizens. I downloaded GIMP and got my first taste of creating graphics on a computer. I enjoyed the challenge of learning in these areas, and I enjoyed it more than leadership. Being in charge, a leader, allowed me “creative control” over whatever I was developing at the time. This is where my biggest problem has always been. Leadership was more about that and less about actually leading people, making political decisions, etc. And, when I would get an alliance set up the way I wanted, all graphics in place, forums just right, and nothing left to do creatively, I would lose interest. Then I would seek out somewhere that was doing it bigger and better than what I had done so far and try to learn from them. That is the ultimate truth behind my motivation to alliance-hop, and it’s a sad reality for anyone who is looked up to as a leader to admit that he was less concerned about leading his people and more concerned about “making something cool”. [/b]

So, yeah, I also created Starfleet and Imperium. I joined a couple of other micros, including Blackstone, something to do with the mafia, and probably another I’m leaving out. Each time, due to the fascination with either the theme, the graphics, something I wanted to learn to help me improve on my next creation, or whatever. When a project would go stale, I would get to missing GUN and my friends there and “go home”. At first welcomed, and then not so much. My coming and going for short times led a lot of people who once highly respected me to lose faith in me and it was replaced with contempt, disgust, hatred, disappointment, you name it. Looking back, I remember going back to GUN having learned from my travels and wanting to bring fresh ideas to the table, but the membership was uneasy with me. They knew I would leave again. Many who had remained faithful to one alliance didn’t appreciate someone, founder or not, coming back in and trying to force new ideas and take over things like they had that right. You know, at the time I thought I did. But, I didn’t. GUN wasn’t mine anymore. It belonged to them and I had lost my place among them. It takes time to regain trust and rebuild friendships and loyalty. Time was something I never afforded any alliance much of.

I’m going to tell you right now, despite recent quips against me, because I understand where they come from, as I’ve just stated, that whether you like certain people I mention below or not, these are good people. These are people who contributed a lot to developing GUN, helped a lot during her rough times, and/or were the ones trying to hold her together until the bitter end. These are people who once made a decision to join an alliance I created and then gave to that alliance more than I ever did. People who once admired me, respected me, and advised me. These are people who have every right to feel betrayed by me and that I want to offer a sincere apology to, beginning with Zenergy. For getting in a pissing contest with him and pulling the domain name after I was gone, effectively shutting down the GUN forums for a time, as well as the irc name-calling and everything that turned one of my closest allies into an enemy, I apologize. For enticing him to join me in Starfleet after his longevity and dedication to GUN, only to shut it down, man, I really apologize. Zen was one of my best friends and GUN and most trusted but I screwed him over, and I can’t apologize enough to ever make it right.

And to those below for not standing by you through the hard times, for handling matters wrongly when I returned to GUN and for forcing my position on all of you, I apologize. And to those in the list below, you know who you are, for everything you did for GUN during your time and how much I appreciated it, and for letting you down as well, I apologize.

Orangeblood
Fallin
Tupac
Chocolate Cookies
Airgialla
Joe of Arc

And any other member of GUN who took offense to my actions, I owe all of you a heartfelt apology.
Shadix, you came along after GUN, but experienced the shake up with UNSC, and you’re still here. Through CC in the past, and in CN present, you’re a class act.

Tito, you’re the one guy that’s probably caused me more trouble than I have you, but you’ve grown a lot and I’m glad to have you on board, both as an original GUNner and now.

Finally, I want to thank my oldest friend in the game, Semperfidelist. Call it blind faith, deeper understanding, stupidity, ignorance, or whatever you like, but Semper has been an inspiration and motivator in ways I can’t describe. His friendship and loyalty, sticking by me well beyond when I deserved it or anyone else would have, is inexplicable. I don’t have the words to thank you enough, my friend.

That’s it. Flame, point fingers, ask questions. Doesn’t matter at this point. I’ve said my peace, cleared my conscious, and hopefully learned a thing or two from my mistakes. Hindsight is always 20/20, they say. One thing I have learned is that forums, graphics, and all the bs doesn’t make an alliance. The people do. Take care of your people and they’ll take care of you. Hopefully, that mantra can lead me on a new path in CN. This may only be a game, but it’s real people behind the screens investing their time to play the game, enjoy it, and as in real life, they depend on each other and look for leadership, friendship, and trust. I broke promises. I betrayed trust. I’ve let a lot of people down along the way on my personal quest to get better and all I did was get worse. That’s why I felt this was necessary and I thank you for your time.

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Well said.

I was a diplomat to GUN from Zenith and worked very hard in that capacity. I was glad to be there and enjoyed every visit I made. I recognize a number of those names and am gladdened by your desire to reach out and rebuild some of those bridges.

I hope you've learned a lot about yourself and others in your travels. As to all the alliance jumping, well, I have a bit of the wanderlust myself, but I'll leave you with this quote...

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
-Calvin Coolidge

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[quote name='LJ Scott' timestamp='1303303704' post='2694551']
Who are you?
[/quote]
Someone you apparently haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet. I however had.

GUN the first was a joy to know and I enjoyed knocking around in CC with you a year and a half ago. I wish GUN the second the best of luck, but so much luck that the GUN1 guys in NATO decided to join up. I like being allied to that lot. ;):P

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[quote name='Duncan King' timestamp='1303399088' post='2695548']
I wish GUN the second the best of luck, but so much luck that the GUN1 guys in NATO decided to join up. I like being allied to that lot. ;):P
[/quote]

I don't poach, so I wouldn't even approach them, but I'd settle for forgiveness if they would consider it. I wish things would've been on better footing and we could've got the old gang back together, I admit.

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Nice to see you Duncan King. He is a fine person that has to create and resurect many small allinces. He has many friends and people that do not like him because his standards are very high. low standards are the death of an allince.I have foought in rl wars for 29 years as a grunt and if you let your satandards fall you are here no more. I mis our old GUNNERS and we were a good alliance. But Planet bod ate us up. That thing they call RL.
o7 Mason
Semper Fi

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[quote name='Tidy Bowl Man' timestamp='1303559362' post='2697659']
I remember you in the NSO.
[/quote]

That's right, I forgot about that one. I traveled there, also, right after it was formed. But, ultimately I had a falling out with Ivan over the way things operated and ended up in war with them.

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I hope you didn't take anything I said in the other post too negative. I will admit I felt left down with BCOM and UNSC when you bailed on us. But I know you have it in you to be a good leader, just don't give up so easy. All I hope is you do it right this time for the sake of those that still follow you that I consider friends like Semper. I will say that this post does lay some of my fears to rest. I hold no ill feeling towards you and am rooting for GUN the whole way. I have found a different path with ÆSIR that I am happy with but I watch you guys from the sidelines with interest, hoping to see you succeed.

I'm always around somewhere if any of GUN needs anything.

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[quote name='Tiberious' timestamp='1303608534' post='2698111']
I hope you didn't take anything I said in the other post too negative. I will admit I felt left down with BCOM and UNSC when you bailed on us. But I know you have it in you to be a good leader, just don't give up so easy. All I hope is you do it right this time for the sake of those that still follow you that I consider friends like Semper. I will say that this post does lay some of my fears to rest. I hold no ill feeling towards you and am rooting for GUN the whole way. I have found a different path with ÆSIR that I am happy with but I watch you guys from the sidelines with interest, hoping to see you succeed.

I'm always around somewhere if any of GUN needs anything.
[/quote]

Makes me feel better. I appreciate the kind words. I'm honestly not one who likes having enemies and I'm frankly ashamed of many of my past actions. Some of them are more recent than others, but hopefully it's not too late for a new beginning.

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[quote name='Cager' timestamp='1303609697' post='2698120']
So does this mean you're not going to be able to tell me what the numbers mean?
[/quote]

They were the code to activate sleeper cell agents to unleash Nova 6, as well as Mason being brain-washed into being one with a mission to kill JFK, which he supposedly did, according to the cutscene at the end where he tells Dragovich "You even tried to make me kill my own President!", and Dragovich replies "Tried?"

:smug:

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[quote name='Mason' timestamp='1303569988' post='2697730']
That's right, I forgot about that one. I traveled there, also, right after it was formed. But, ultimately I had a falling out with Ivan over the way things operated and ended up in war with them.
[/quote]
Wrong, you spied. How nice of you to ommit that.

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[quote name='youwish959' timestamp='1303675702' post='2698655']
Wrong, you spied. How nice of you to omit that.
[/quote]

I'm not purposely omitting anything. I've been all over and my memory is clouded. Spying isn't something I condone, and I'm not sure what I would've gained by doing it, but I'm curious to hear more. What I do remember is getting upset over many of us trying to move up the ranks and Ivan continuing to bring in his buddies and put them in the top spots we were working so hard for. I publicly stated my disapproval in the forums (which we were encouraged to do in NSO), and it landed me in trouble. At this point, it doesn't really matter. This whole thread is about admitting to many mistakes made and people wronged, and my apologies for doing so. I can assure you I'm not the person I once was and spying, whether I actually did or didn't, isn't something I have a taste for these days.

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[quote name='Mason' timestamp='1303681388' post='2698708']
I'm not purposely omitting anything. I've been all over and my memory is clouded. Spying isn't something I condone, and I'm not sure what I would've gained by doing it, but I'm curious to hear more. What I do remember is getting upset over many of us trying to move up the ranks and Ivan continuing to bring in his buddies and put them in the top spots we were working so hard for. I publicly stated my disapproval in the forums (which we were encouraged to do in NSO), and it landed me in trouble. At this point, it doesn't really matter. This whole thread is about admitting to many mistakes made and people wronged, and my apologies for doing so. I can assure you I'm not the person I once was and spying, whether I actually did or didn't, isn't something I have a taste for these days.
[/quote]
How nice of you to not condone [url=http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=53726]spying[/url] now.

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[quote name='youwish959' timestamp='1303696457' post='2698898']
How nice of you to not condone [url=http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=53726]spying[/url] now.
[/quote]

Thanks for the reminder. I didn't spy, nor did I condone it, as pointed out in that thread. I was accused of it by NSO and evidence was never presented to back the claim. But, again, you're talking about something from 2 years ago which has long been resolved and has no bearing on this thread or its purpose. Obviously, things could've been handled differently during that time, and everyone has made mistakes in their CN careers. I've made plenty. This thread is me admitting that and turning the page. I'm not clear on why you would want to drum up conflict from way back when and make an issue of it now.

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[quote name='Mason' timestamp='1303702777' post='2699000']
Thanks for the reminder. I didn't spy, nor did I condone it, as pointed out in that thread. I was accused of it by NSO and evidence was never presented to back the claim. But, again, you're talking about something from 2 years ago which has long been resolved and has no bearing on this thread or its purpose. Obviously, things could've been handled differently during that time, and everyone has made mistakes in their CN careers. I've made plenty. This thread is me admitting that and turning the page. I'm not clear on why you would want to drum up conflict from way back when and make an issue of it now.
[/quote]
I am drumming up no conflict, just simply including what you have conveniently omitted.

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[quote name='youwish959' timestamp='1303707765' post='2699037']
I am drumming up no conflict, just simply including what you have conveniently omitted.
[/quote]

Repeating the word "conveniently" implies that I purposefully left out derogatory periods of my past in an effort to make myself look better. This thread is just the opposite, calling myself out for things I've done and trying to start a new path. I have nothing to hide, and in regards to NSO, I have no issue with them, either. Haven't for quite some time.

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[quote name='Mason' timestamp='1303710169' post='2699053']
Repeating the word "conveniently" implies that I purposefully left out derogatory periods of my past in an effort to make myself look better. This thread is just the opposite, calling myself out for things I've done and trying to start a new path. I have nothing to hide, and in regards to NSO, I have no issue with them, either. Haven't for quite some time.
[/quote]
Meh, you were a good guy until I found out what I found out. Now that you apologized for all your past actions though, I guess we can be friends again.

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[quote name='youwish959' timestamp='1303721371' post='2699093']
Meh, you were a good guy until I found out what I found out. Now that you apologized for all your past actions though, I guess we can be friends again.
[/quote]

Works for me. :)

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well it sounds like you were a good person at heart and wanted what was best... sounds like you just made a lot of bad decisions while doing so. For someone to write that long and sincere of an apology... i think you deserve forgiveness for your past actions personally. Cheers

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