Tywin, you have a lot of long sentences. Nothing wrong with that, but generally it can help to break things apart to highlight key points. Take this last paragraph for example:
With a few sentence structure tweaks:
So yeah, there's one tip for you. You might also want to look into not using so many descriptor words. It's a little too flowery at times.
When I write, my first draft is usually terrible. I find that it gets better and better as I go through the draft and make small changes one or two at a time, rereading the paragraphs as I make changes. Once I have changed a dozen or so bits, I go back through and reread the whole thing, and try and evaluate if there is any area that I want to improve. Sometimes, it helps to let things set for an hour or two and revisit them.
So there's two tips. Practice makes perfect, keep it up!