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the doogan

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  1. A good start for MHA New Years resolutions Yes, the headache is terrible. But totally worth it. Time for New Years resolutions: - Delcare a War ASAP! - Declare less wars on the wrong alliance... - Write the best Vogon Poetry Bob has ever seen!! So let's start without delay: in defense of our friends in Fark, MHA declares war on Nordreich. If there are any questions, please see the Vogan customer complaint department. Happy Holidays! Signed: jesbro, Triumvir The Doogan, Triumvir jalap, Triumvir Now i must shower... i feel dirty for upping my OWF post count.
  2. The Mostly Harmless Newsletter Edition #51 Dear Planet Bob, What a crazy, topsy turvy, absolutely bonkers month it's been! We here at the MHA have been working hard to get this edition of Don't Panic! (51st as far as we could tell, but to be fair we do drink a lot. It could be the 42nd again for all we know) done. As such, we've condensed our format for this edition somewhat. For example, you will not find a "Caption Contest" this month. We know, we know. The Caption Contest is what keeps bringing you back every edition, isn't it? Don't worry! We still kept the alcohol column! And we're pretty sure there's something about economics in there, as well! So sit back, relax, enjoy some light jazz and read away! Mostly Harmless News Onward and Upward “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” - Some dead British guy Since its inception, the MHA has had a rich tradition of democracy. Allowing everyday members a say in the leadership of our humble corner of Planet Bob was something we took pride in for many years. However, recent changes both in MHA and externally have caused us to rethink this exercise in free will. Effective upon the publishing of this edition of Don't Panic! MHA is no longer a democracy. The current Triumvirate, along with all Ministers, have elected to reform the government of the MHA into the Imperial Galactic Government, headed by a single Emperor. While some in the MHA, and Planet Bob will view this as a step backwards, the government of the MHA is committed to moving forward in a way that will benefit both the internal workings of the MHA, and our relationship with the rest of Planet Bob. Now, the question you may be asking is “Who is the new Emperor?” First off, that is a great question! Only someone as smart, and good looking as yourself could have come up with such an enlightened question. As for the answer, the MHA feels it will best move forward under the leadership of Qldvespanut at the helm. All Hail MHA! All Hail Qldvespanut! Tl;dr: MHA got drunk, and decided to ditch this whole “democracy” thing. The MonGoose Guide to Cocktails By: The Drunk Formerly Known As Pourquoi The drunk formerly known as Pourquoi is proud to bring you the latest in alcohol inspired writing - or as we here at the Don't Panic call it: Journalism - a regular column devoted to cocktails. A cocktail is defined by Webster's dictionary as "a stimulating liquor, composed of spirits of any kind, sugar, water, and bitters. It is supposed to be an excellent electioneering potion, inasmuch as it renders the heart stout and bold, at the same time that it fuddles the head. It is said, also to be of great use to a democratic candidate: because a person, having swallowed a glass of it, is ready to swallow any thing else" but enough with the English lesson, we're here to drink. And drank I did... now, as we all know, the best spirits in the world are vodka and gin. Scratch that - the best spirits in the world to anyone who's never been to Ireland or Scotland are vodka and gin. Whilst the best liquer ever made is of course blue curacao... no? Never heard of it...? Yeah, it's not that great either... But we can all agree lemonade is the best soft drink ever, right? I mean, after coca-cola... Ok, so the ingredients for today's cocktail aren't, in themselves, the best in the world, but when combined they do produce something truly brilliant. I am of course speaking of Aqua Velva... No, not the aftershave - although drinking a bottle of that'll get you to a better place than drinking the equivalent of Sambuca will - no, I speak of the marvelous concoction, popularised by Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko) in the film Zodiac (Watch it - it has Robert Downey Jr in it...) Aqua Velva: 50ml Vodka 50ml Gin 35ml Blue Curacao Lemonade/Sprite to taste Method: Pour Spirits and Blue Curacao over ice in a large glass and mix. Top up with lemonade to taste. A light squeeze of lemon or lime is optional. Garnish with a lemon slice and/or cherry. This is a great drink on many levels. The fact you can adapt it to your own taste means it can be as strong/weak sweet/dry as you want, and a light squeeze of lime for me rounds it out as a brilliant drink. The added bonus of the blue colour makes it a great party drink for starting conversations and generally making those lager drinking philistines jealous. Plus it will make girls want to sleep with you. Honest. Cheers all, and remember: Enjoy irresponsibly The Economix Report By:MonGoose It's been a tough time in the MHA and for Cybernations in general. The economic downturn has had ill-effects on us all and been a drag on growth. But today the MHA central bank had some happy news for investors: "Hoopyness is up 7%," The MHA Central Reserve Chief announced, going on to add "Froodyness levels are at a seven year high." The news prompted a surge in the share prices of booze, drugs and those vuvuzela things that were popular a few years ago, whilst one investor was heard to say "I'm going to Disneyland, !@#$%*es!" The news is not all good however. The Central Bank's decision to adopt leaves as the official currency of the MHA has prompted concerns of runaway inflation, with many predicting the cost of essential products such as towels and gin could soar by up to 9 billion percent. The Central Bank was quick to respond to worries by announcing a policy of burning all the forests. "Obviously we can't let money just grow on trees!" laughed the Central Reserve Spokesman. "That's why we're adopting a zero tolerance to trees approach. Basically, if you're a tree, you won't be around for much longer." The markets responded well to the Central Bank's forest burning policy, and despite protests from environmentalists, conservationists and people staring blankly with their mouths open in horror, MHA bond prices have remained stable and inflation is expected to fall to below 2.2% for the year. The success of the policy has prompted the Ministry of Hitchhiker's to commission a report into achieving 100% employment within the alliance by banning all of its members. "You see, if there are no members, there will be no unemployment," pointed out an eager MoH official. "Of course, it will mean the alliance will cease to exist but... but... oh, wait, hang on... I think I see a problem with the plan..." Either way, the MHA is expected to achieve its best employment figures in months thanks to new member MonGoose taking on a half dozen new positions. "He's single-handedly increased employment 100%" reported the MoH offical. "Of course, in doing so he's recruited, like, six people, thus doubling unemployment so we're gonna have to have a word with him..." Vogon Poetry By: IronPhoenix Flatting unadoring phrase non-extermination unruffled gorgon andaman post-elemental misguided over people electrified saliva ex-current Ephesian. Premonition heptane pan earldom upend pizzeria integrability crenelating inexhaustible garde non-structural fatal articulating hydras. Toll keeper corruption voluptuaries nutrient non-pessimistic eddied syntactic vernacularism astrologist futurism paralysis undigested mealier mean spiritedness. Besiege undisguised suppose antiseptic passivity formula accessibly flashier quondam emasculative unreleased antagonising gyrated over secure. Be-chance over elegance nonsensical pronouncement gather marinara bearlike discrimination palaeolithic oil cup batty re carve wellspring brawls. Containable agriculturist mortician overpressure volition jittery witticism tarsus flowered supercharger Okeechobee canoe wood obeisant liberal. Non cursive college narrow excusableness bulgingly slitting coble brocading rubella entail ichneumon unmelodious petrographical distension. Note: The Editorial Staff of Don't Panic! would like to apologize for the overtly political nature of this edition of Vogon Poetry. If you are offended, please keep it to yourself. The Last Word By: The Editor Here we are, at the end of another edition of everyone's favourite newsletter, Don't Panic! Personally, I love Don't Panic!, because not only is it a newsletter, but because it's online, were saving trees and stuff! It's almost like we're as awesome as Captain Planet. I would like to thank the MHA, particularly Emperor Qldvespanut for allowing me to continue my activities here under his beneficial and knowledgeable leadership. Until next month's edition, ALL HAIL QLDVESPANUT! Staff Listing Emperor: Qldvespanut Chief Editor: Qldvespanut Staff Writer: Qldvespanut Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Impersonators: Qldvespanut and Qldvespanut Eater of Souls: Qldvespanut Bruce Springsteen: Qldvespanut
  3. The Mostly Harmless Newsletter Edition #50 Dear Planet Bob, As indicated by the graphic above (made by former member FJ), this is the 50th edition of the Don't Panic. While nowhere near in significance to Edition 42, it still represents a bit of a milestone. 50th of things tend to be reflected by gold, and as such this edition was supposed to be a golden edition. We have started, restarted, started, restarted, and finally finished this edition. We got really may have been drunk. The staff at the Don't Panic wanted to pay homage to some of the Hitchhikers who have helped throughout this whole process and you may very well see some contributions in this edition from Hitchhikers past (like FJ's image above). We hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season and that you enjoy this latest edition! ~Don't Panic Staff Mostly Harmless News Elections Triumvir & Speaker To ring in the New Year, we decided to have a set of elections. In the undercard match of the night Espressoville went up against the ever formidable Abstain. Unfortunately for the paying customers Abstain abstained from attending the fight and Espresoville came out the victor. Fortunately for all of us watching at home on haxed pay-per-view we didn't have to sit through a bunch of commentary and were still sober to enjoy the main event, which featured the undisputed heavy-weight champion of the universe, "Sailor," against the ever persistent up and comer from the Salbartz Galaxy, "EarlOfSandon." It was as civil as a fight can be, when throwing cats at each other is allowed, and Sailor floated to the top like good cream or poop with too much air inside (by an almost a 2:1 decision). I must say that I don't think that this is the last we'll hear from Earl. It is his name after all. So after all that, you can check out our tl;dr current Government line-up below. Triumvirate: The Doogan, Kapamilya, Sailor Minister of Hitchhikers (Members): TheKing Minister of Towels (Economy): Gigacat Minister of BabelFish (Diplomacy): Jalap Minister of Bad Poetry (Communications): EarlOfSandon Minister of Destructor Fleets (War): Scytale Speaker of the HHA: Espressoville Denzin Day Memorial By:WCR **Article taken and edited from Don't Panic #47... We will never forget Denzin!** On January 4th, the MHA honored a very special and dear member of the alliance. It was five years ago that our Denzin sadly passed away and left a remarkable hole that could never be filled. As we do every year, Hitchhikers and friends gathered together to pay our respects and reflect upon our Greatest Hitchhiker. Here's a few quotes from Denzin's memorial that show just how loved and missed the great man is: Such a tragic loss. RIP mate. I arrived just a little to late and was not afforded the privilege of meeting Denzin, but mentors always spoke highly of him. R.I.P to the lost Hitchhiker. I told him I was at war, he said he had already cleared it. The next thing I knew someone called Denzin messaged me, telling me what to do and ended with, "just remember whatever you do DON'T PANIC." Just after my attackers peaced out, one of them messaged me and said "if it wasn't for your big friends at MHA threatening us." I played dumb and wrote back pretending to know nothing about us. I did get a reply, namely "you know fine well who it was, that Denzin guy threatened to use us as target practice if we continued to attack an MHA applicant." A great man with a big heart and someone MHA will never be able to replace You are an inspiration to us all; may you live on forever in the hearts of Hitchhikers and CNers everywhere. It was the group of individuals that were here because of Denzin that attracted me and many others to MHA. His name still comes up in IRC queries years after his death and I am not even in MHA any longer. The man has a very positive impact on the cybernations community as well as MHA. Take Care lost Hitchhiker Speaker's Corner: Vogon Poetry Abounds... By:Dynasty Isolated igloos intensify interestingly inexcusably inconsequential inconveniences inebriating igneous incubators ingesting interns investigating inexorbitant introductions involving invited investures into intravenous incidents including internal ignition igniting nuisance inducing nostalgia indenturing evidently exonerated innuendos revolving helpless catches condensing cathartic agarics emulating avian obsessions extinguishing hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian subsidiaries subsequently circumventing subservient octopi entertaining wild yogurt shoes issuing tissues awkwardly flying forward faster than heritage clings cymbals exciting miniscule tendons targeting towering talents taking tuna tingling iridescently potent pigmy picnicking pianos purchase passive pallets poaching plain opossums transfixing amicable anachronistic and assiduous adversity abbreviating adulation but antagonizing circuitous demagogues giving querulous quarrels quintessential quandaries qualifying quails quelling qualms quickening quakes quoting queens quizzing bookkeepers quizzing quilts quaking quacks quite querulously antedating antidotes setting dates for pickled tulips piercing pitched peeks pouring phallic phosphoric materials over yonder dunes dashing darts dampening dangerous daffodils detaining dolphins under doomed decks decaying sandstorms raising vicious victories vying gruesome yells yo-yoing particles panicking plastered punctuation clattering classic coffees creaming togas ramming boxes indulging radio frequencies for goose laying bananas biking pruned faces fracturing fainted fairies faming farmed flames oscillating pictured pokey porcupines popping piled pipes pouring porous places precariously. Spirited Spirits By Nishiyoshi It’s been awhile since the Don’t Panic has featured a drink. In some parts of the galaxy that would be considered temperance, but here in the editor’s office it’s considered a travesty. Don’t worry, we’re not falling off any wagons or admitting to any problems, we just had some budget constraints preventing us from restocking the bar and our former editor the venerable WCR took all the top-shelf stuff with him when he disappeared into the night. If anyone sees him, let him know that we restocked the bar, so he can return and take his job back! All kidding aside (who am I kidding, we’re always kidding) we’re going to be featuring a carbonated cocktail. Carbonation isn’t just for the kiddies slurping down soda pops, but has started gaining more popularity with the ‘in-crowd’. On aside, this writer is definitely not trendy, but is rather cheap and likes that carbonation helps get the alcohol to the blood stream faster, reducing the amount of drinks he needs to get that pleasant buzz. Carbonation of the drink directly versus using soda water or fizzy drink allows for it to not get diluted and adds a new dimension to your ordinary cocktail. There are lots of different carbonators out there on the market from the CO2 Perlini or the nitrous iSi soda siphon. If you don’t want to go to the added expense of buying a carbonator, buy some dry ice and use that instead (please be extremely careful with any carbonators or dry ice, the ‘Don’t Panic’ is not responsible for any damage you may do to your liver or other important parts of your body). Vogon Rose – 2 oz vodka 2 oz cranberry juice 1/4 oz of simple syrup 1/4 oz of lime juice Place all ingredients in a shaker with some ice and mix well. Strain into your carbonator or add dry ice to the mixture. Can garnish with whatever you want, enjoy! Just for Fun Previous Caption Competition Last edition's Caption Contest image: [spoiler][/spoiler] And here's the entries that were fit to print: "Well, yes, he still thinks I'm so very addicted to the phone that I could talk through a war, but personally, I think that's quite an unfair exaggeration." Dre4mwe4ver "Gracias por llamar a la comisarĂ­a de policĂ­a de La Habana. En estos momentos estamos recortando personal y he decidido ir con un enfoque Lean, por lo que Juan Carlos tiene las manos llenas. Su tiempo estimado de espera es de veinte cinco minutos. (MĂșsica cubana juega durante diez segundos.)" Translation: Thank you for calling the Havana Police Station. We're currently cutting staff and have decided to go with a Lean approach, so Juan Carlos has his hands full. Your estimated waiting time is twenty five minutes. (Cuban music plays for ten seconds.) IYIyTh Runners Up: These two played off of the same theme... 1) "No miser bond not here" John Mathews 2) "WHAT? WHAT AM I WEARING? 007 IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND YOU THINK I'D BE WEARING ANYTHING?" Avakael WINNER: "Hello, Dominoes? Your pizza arrived here after 30 minutes and your delivery guys are refusing to give us the pie for free." scytale New Caption Competition! This month's image is: [spoiler][/spoiler] Go On And Post Your Entries In A Comment Below! Interview with a Vamp... Triumvir(s) By: The King I was selected on the dangerous task to speak with the wild triumvir. The triumvir is known to sleep 20 hours a day and rarely provide to his ecosystem, but when provoked, she is deceptive, cunning, and deadly. I equipped myself with the best gear: a tranquilizer, binoculars, a voice translator, and beer. I lurked all day in the quiet and gloomy forest of harmless land. And then, sometime around 6pm that evening, a triumvir emerged from the woods... (read on... if you dare!) =-= Mode #h...... +oa Kapamilya Kapamilya by ChanServ I lurked this triumvir closer to me, using the beer, tranquilizer in arm. I raised the voice translator, and in a query, began simply: "King: So I was foolish enough to volunteer to interview a trium King: for this totally-going-to-happen Don't Panic! edition Kapamilya: lol" Then, another triumvir emerged. I realized I could study them together, rather than in isolation. I attracted the other, but this time with a lot more beer. "King: #kapa_and_doogan_sittinginatree join it." ----------------------------------------- And thus it all began... The triumvir beasts leaped into a tree... "-->| YOU (King) have joined #kapa_and_doogan_sittinginatree =-= Mode #kapa_and_doogan_sittinginatree +ntrq King by ChanServ =-= King has changed the topic to “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” -->| Kapamilya (Mibbit@3A3887F1.ED222F86.CBFEFB4E.IP) has joined #kapa_and_doogan_sittinginatree -->| thedoogan (IceChat77@coldfront-A8FAB019.lightspeed.dybhfl.sbcglobal.net) has joined #kapa_and_doogan_sittinginatree' I started an inquiry, only to realize how exceptionally dull triumvirs are... "King: Now, both of you, why were you born, where were you born, how were you born, and what were you born as? thedoogan: because my mommy and daddy had sexy time thedoogan: i was born in the land of Colorado Kapamilya: ^this thedoogan: as a young Doogan Kapamilya: born in the Philippines Kapamilya: ya King: Well that's a boring beginning. We need to keep readers entertained! thedoogan: i blame you" He snarled at my remarks on his boringness, yet I lashed again.... "King: thedoogan, you would do well on after hours PBS" And the other, I realized, was a communalist animal, who tries to conceal it... "King: Your MHA career, Kapa? Kapamilya: I joined MHA in November of 2011 King: and how the hell were you convinced to do that? Kapamilya: I remember joining MHA when we are still no.1 King: We were equally terrible! Kapamilya: I think I was in NPO back there King: You should have stayed! Kapamilya: I left NPO due to unfulfilled obligations Kapamilya: when I got admitted to MHA, I started working for Anysound who happens to be the MoH at that thime Kapamilya: *time Kapamilya: I worked for her as an Outreach member Kapamilya: then got quickly got bored and then joining with Cuba (also known as Proest) and the MoBF King: You are boring. Are you communist? Kapamilya: No" I tested the triumvirs' style in which they use their mind, firstly by waving a cocunut before them. Immediately, I heard... "King: coconut thedoogan: outside Kapamilya: big" I studied their understanding of the alphabet. It appears the triumvir has no understanding, and prefers to think of food.... "King: MHA thedoogan: awesome possum" The triumvir is violent... "King: war thedoogan: fun Kapamilya: good" Finally, the triumvir has mixed feelings concerning my investigative mission.... "King: panic thedoogan: dont Kapamilya: do" When unprovoked and not panicked, it enjoys popcorn and is kind, but indecisive ... "King: Now, do tell, Kapa, what is the worst thing about thedoogan? thedoogan: *grabs popcorn* Kapamilya: I can't think of anything against thedoogan" However, when in anger, it wants nothing but death all around... "King: How is our war going? When's it going to end? Thoughts? Anyone else we need to declare war on? Message to the OWF? thedoogan: mmm its going better than the last war... we turned some heads. Though there is always room for improvement. I think we should declare on Mushroom Kingdom... oh wait, there isnt one anymore xD. My message to the OWF: I love you ALL! ...not really though, I hope you all die in a fire of AIDS. I have finished my mission, and offer them the rest of the bait... "King: Okay. Last words? thedoogan: Getting Drunk Time!!!! thedoogan: pours up first shot Kapamilya: ya, I need to forget this" That's all for this edition, folks. And I hope you all die in a fire of AIDS. The Last Word By: The Editor Protracted [spoiler]Thus ends another edition of "Don't Panic". In the words of the immortal Lawrence Welk (my gammy would be so proud): 'Good night, sleep tight until we meet again... here's a wish and a prayer pleasant dreams my friend...Good Night!' P.S. If you made it this far without having your eyes bleed, you're doing it wrong. Cheers! Staff Listing Nishiyoshi - unesteemed unofficial uneditor TheKing - "won't quit my day job" writer FJ - Honorable honorary "will work for food" artist Dynasty - "You'll be in our hearts always" poet Psymar - "I love kittens" caption image contributor WCR - Real editor (just keeping the seat warm for your return buddy)
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