Don't Panic #46

[Loki Grim]

[center][img]http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j172/billtemple/DontPanic/DPWar.gif[/img][/center]

[center]The Mostly Harmless Newsletter Edition #46[/center]

[b][size=200][color=#0000FF]Dear Planet Bob,[/color][/size][/b]
The staff at Don't Panic have an intergalactically recognized and sportingly uncanny ability to be both everywhere and nowhere. Open bar? We're everywhere. War? See you at the bar instead. And it's not just because of persistent, untreated alcoholism prevalent in Hitchhiker journalism OR an endemic inability to hold a gun after consuming far too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. No - as most people know the first casualty of war is the Truth and you're better off trying to hook up with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal than being a reporter during a war.

Besides, who would be stupid enough to choose gunshots over tequila shots? Not us. So when we heard last week (*cough*) there was WARRRR afoot, the DP staff made haste to our secure, hidden War Room to safely plan great battle strategies, disseminate secret intel, and wire propaganda to our loyal citizens out of harm's way. Instead we ended up doing this:

[img]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MjmpP3OokpM/SNgJamCrAhI/AAAAAAAACPI/6jOz2aaPT70/s400/MELANIE-SCHIFF_large.jpg[/img]

So I think the intern or someone else wrote this edition. Happy reading!

[b][size=200][color=#0000FF]Mostly Harmless News[/color][/size][/b]

Current Government line-up below.

[color=#FF0000]Triumvirate: gasgiant405,Julia Rose Vicious[/color], [color=#FF0000]Doctor Doc[/color]

[color=#0000FF]Minister of Hitchhikers (Members): Anysound[/color]
[color=#0000FF]Deputy: RoyalGuard[/color]
[color=#40BF00]Minister of Towels (Economy): kingof theland[/color]
[color=#40BF00]Deputy: bcat444[/color]
[color=#BF8040]Minister of BabelFish (Diplomacy): Cuba[/color]
[color=#BF8040]Deputy: Umbra[/color]
[color=#8000BF]Minister of Bad Poetry (Communications): Loki Grim[/color]
[color=#8000BF]Deputy: wolfbrother[/color]
[color=#FFFF00]Minister of Destructor Fleets (War): Mr_Subliminal[/color]
[color=#FFFF00]Deputy: AndyDe[/color]

Speaker of the HHA: Edmonto


[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]Don't Mention The War:[/color][/b][/size]
[s]The Mostly Harmless Alliance hereby declares war on the Independent Republic of Orange Nations.[/s]

Whoops, sorry. Force of habit. Still, war is once again gripping the tightly coiled fingers of many nation rulers across Planet Bob - sparking many to gather together in harmony and cry out "Don't they know it's (almost) Christmas?!" Still, our preference for drinking in a bunker notwithstanding, we at Don't Panic welcome the onslaught of deftly unoriginal announcements, hastily resized flags, and over-use of the "rust" pun (sorry again, IRON) that Global War provides. Why? Because it only goes to show the importance of our publication. What better message is there to you, the fighters and the warriors, than the sage advice of "Don't Panic"? Perfectly simple but deeply comforting, it is in this time of bloodshed and terrible forum posting that our namesake ascends to its highest authority of [i]the[/i] message of unadulterated common sense.

So relax and drink a PGGB; it doesn't really matter if your nation, your alliance, your bloc, or your two year old excuse for war is burning to the ground. Remember....
[center][b]Don't Panic. [/b][/center]

[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]Winter? It's 40 Degrees Outside.[/color][/b][/size]
[i]By WorkingClassRuler of Foamtopia, located in Southern Ocean.[/i]
There has been a horrendously incorrect slogan banded about this Planet in recent months and it's time this prejudicial nature should come to an end. For far too long has the recklessly racist "Winter's coming" threat been deliberately segregating and alienating all the good people whose nations reside in the Southern Hemisphere of Planet Bob. So self-appointed are these Northerners that they dare schedule a Global War based on their assumption that everyone is facing the upcoming winter season and not a balmy and sunny summer. Whilst you throw around your puns about cold and ice many of us are enjoying the tanning glow of a summer heat, backyard BBQ's, and even going to the beach. The [i]BEACH[/i], I say. And we don't wish to be reminded of your wet and frost-sodden time of year. Unlike you, we can actually go outside (you know, without spending twenty minutes wrapping up in layers of wool clothing) and don't wish to spend our time here fighting a war just because it's too cold for you lot to go outdoors.

As if the cause for Southerner Recognition wasn't already hampered by Global Time remaining a Northerner convenience. You try telling your kids to go to bed at Noon. NOON! Now we have to all try to pretend it's a chilly Winter's Day when it's 40 degrees (that's Celsius to you) outside? This madness has to end and I call on all Southerners to rise up and condemn this gross generalization of the entire Planet's current temperature. No more pretending it's cold when it's warm. No more going with the crowd and agreeing our toilets flush in the same direction. No more commenting on the blooming flowers of Spring when our trees are all brown and grey. No more!

Northerners can't have it all their way, it's time for equal recognition of the Southern Hemisphere.

[img]http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j172/billtemple/temp/Vladitron1.gif[/img]
[size=150][color=#8000FF][b]VLADITRON: An Interview With Greatness[/color][/b][/size]
[i]By WorkingClassRuler[/i]
It was with fear, awe and not just a little bit of paranoia with which I began my chat with The Ruler of Bob, VLADITRON, supreme leader of everyone and everything. Even nestled in the relative safety of the [i]Don't Panic[/i] bunker, I lived in fear that the cyborg incarnate was merely toying with me until his bombs of justice would find us and poor down like righteous rain. Still, it was with the foolish bravery of a dead man walking that I managed the following interview.

[color=#0040FF][i]Don't Panic:[/i] In your [url=http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?showtopic=106728]Happy Vodka Day[/url] announcement, you revealed you have returned to us in cyborg form. Was this a choice of practicality or because it made you a more superior killing machine?[/color]
[color=#BF0000]VLADITRON:[/color] The full history of my reincarnation can be found in “The History of VODKA” on [url=http://cnvodka.com/forums/index.php?topic=10.0]CNVODKA.com[/url], though I shall provide a brief summary here. After I sacrificed my mortal flesh as King Vladimir VIII, dedicated scientists who feared for the fate of Bob managed to subsume my lingering essential life force into their newest cyborg prototype. Thus King Vladimir VIII returned as VLADITRON to resume his role as ruler of Bob. The increase in killing power has also been quite nice.

[color=#0040FF][i]Don't Panic:[/i] Are there plans for a second Vodka Imperative? If so, what can we expect from your tyrannical rule?[/color]
[color=#BF0000]VLADITRON:[/color] VODKA Imperatives are issued whenever The VODKA Empire must give specific and direct orders to the planet at large. As such, a second Imperative could be issued at any time, though there are no immediate plans for another Imperative. Most nations and alliance-states have dutifully adapted to their new lives under VODKA rule, and a great deal have already gone above and beyond by starting a Global War to honor the will of VODKA.

[color=#0040FF][i]Don't Panic:[/i] You declared war on the NPO (as well as GPA and MHA) in November 2010 and directed the Doomhouse Bloc to attack them in January 2011. Was this grace period you allowed a sign of benevolence and/or temporary mercy? [/color]
[color=#BF0000]VLADITRON:[/color] King Vladimir VIII fell in December of 2010, and with him fell the celebrated VODKA Empire. As all informed citizens of Bob are aware, the Doomhouse Bloc attacked the NPO in the name of King Vladimir VIII to show solidarity in the wake of their leader’s demise. They aimed to complete the goals of their fallen hero and thus attacked the NPO to finish the job that King Vlad had so nobly begun. It was this bloodshed, declared in his name, that strengthened the essential life force of Vlad and allowed him to be reconstructed into the cyborg VLADITRON.

It should be noted that only a week after VODKA’s return, Global War has once again broken out on Bob. Inspired by the return of their savior, IRON and TOP have declared war on the NpO. Alliance-states continue to see the beauty of life under VODKA rule and have begun to join the war en masse. Thus VODKA has already proven remarkably successful in bringing warfare back to Planet Bob.

[color=#0040FF][i]Don't Panic:[/i] As nations cannot be truly destroyed in Planet Bob, how do you plan to bring about the destruction of the MHA?[/color]
[color=#BF0000]VLADITRON:[/color] Consider if you will the nations of Gramat and Joshinda Perfection. Gramat immediately seceded from the MHA only minutes after VODKA’s first blitz on the nation, and Joshinda Perfection chose to wipe itself from the face of Bob after receiving a PM that indicated it had been added to the VODKA PZI list. However, despite the statistical damages VODKA continues to deal to the MHA, our goals are more ambitious.

VODKA aims not only to destroy the infrastructure and technology of MHA nations, but to destroy the very essence of the MHA and all that it stands for. Your bland incompetence has gone unchecked and unopposed for far too long, and the MHA has become a cancerous growth that threatens the very life of Bob. The planet is now under VODKA rule, and we will accept nothing less than excellence from our citizens. Inactivity and passivity will no longer be tolerated as we enter Bob’s Final Golden Age. VODKA will continue to trample the souls of the MHA membership until its very spirit has been utterly destroyed.

[color=#0040FF][i]Don't Panic:[/i] Finally, is it possibly you simply haven't tried drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and would change your mind if you did? [/color]
[color=#BF0000]VLADITRON:[/color] This interview is over.

And with that, air raid sirens blast throughout the bunker and we hastily bid you adieu.

[size=150][color=#8000FF][b]A Message from The King[/color][/b][/size]
[i]By The King[/i]

Dear VLADITRON,

[img]http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j172/billtemple/temp/theking.gif[/img]
http://www.cybernations.net/nation_drill_display.asp?Nation_ID=410155

Just for Fun
[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]Previous Caption Competition Winner[/color][/b][/size]
Here's last month's Caption Contest image:
[spoiler][img]http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/items/4431.jpg[/img][/spoiler]

[color=#BF8000][b]Runners Up:[/b][/color]
1) 'I'm all ready for prom and don't mind my dad staring creepily through the window - he's always like that' - dragonknight1000

2) derp. only two entries before topic was locked. >.<

[color=#40BF00][b]WINNER:[/b][/color]
[quote]"Have fun at prom you two, but remember, someday my little 'un's gonna look just like me. If she looses some of her body hair. Enjoy that!"
-Anu Drake [/quote]

[size=150][b][color=#8040BF]New Caption Competition![/color][/b][/size]

This month's image is:
[spoiler][img]http://www.yourprops.com/norm-490d95c16d9e0-Aliens%2Bvs.%2BPredator%2B%2BRequiem%2B(2007).jpeg[/img][/spoiler]

[b][u]Go On And Post Your Entries Below![/u][/b]

[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]Dear Dynasty:[/color][/b][/size]
[img]http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j172/billtemple/temp/comehome.gif[/img]

[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]Vogon Poetry Corner[/color][/b][/size]
[i]By WorkingClassRuler[/i]
Oh my troubled in-grown toenail,
How you hark and fro,
Bleeding through my expensive socks,
A smell quite on the nose.
You glisten with a little puss,
Then weep all the day through,
You take so long to heal up,
I don't know what to do.
A single touch is a fright,
Of pain so damn severe,
I oughta just cut you off
Like Van Gough and his ear.
Yet a painter I am not,
Just a humble Joe,
Who thinks a whole damn lot,
About his wretched toe.

[size=150][b][color=#8000FF]The last word:[/color][/b][/size]
[i]By WorkingClassRuler[/i]
For those of you looking for a declaration of war, we apologize for the inconvenience. It's not easy producing a War Time publication when you're not actually at war. Still, if your nation, alliance, or coalition has been selected to make way for an intergalactic hyperspace bypass, it's already too late to do anything about it anyway and all of this has just been one gigantic, entertaining diversion whilst we position the Vogon Destructor Fleets over your head.

Give us a wave, why don't you?

The Don't Panic staff,
WCR- All most every thing.
TheKing- ''Come At Me Bro'' article
Doctor Doc- The Caption Contest
[center][url=http://forums.cybernations.net/index.php?app=blog&blogid=613&cat=104][b][color=#8000FF][size=200]Previous Editions of Don't Panic[/size][/color][/b][/url][/center]

Edited December 4, 2011 by Loki Grim

[Doctor Doc]

yayayay!

o/ WRC returns!

[kingof theland]

YAY an other issue of the Don't Panic

[shahenshah]

The Vlad interview was hilarious! Great idea.

[supercoolyellow]

wait.... didn't WCR leave CN for quite some time?

[Doctor Doc]

[quote name='supercoolyellow' timestamp='1322986705' post='2862009']
wait.... didn't WCR leave CN for quite some time?
[/quote]
he's back!

[nishiyoshi]

Caption Contest:

The only more unlikely match?
Cable & Myth


Cheers to the return of the Don't Panic!

[han fei zi]

Welcome back WCR

[Avakael]

Caption Contest:

DA POWER OF KRIST COMPELS YOOOOOUU, SISTA.

[summerisway2hot]

YEAHHHH WCR!

and MHAil!


Andd, the entry not to be forgot.

"Hey man, check out her tentacles. I'd let her wrap me up if ya know what I mean."

Edited December 4, 2011 by summerisway2hot

[IYIyTh]

Welcome back WCR. One of the true hitchhikers of our time.

Pray tell thee, who got you interested in coming back?

Rather short edition otherwise.

Caption:

"Well the election starts on the twenty-first and I've been terribly inactive. Anyway we can eliminate any threats to my seat?"
"Don't worry, I have an assortment of lies all planned out. I've made sure there is no opportunity for the truth to be told, and I've talked to a few others who are willing to ignore that anyway because he upset them when telling them they should labor camp swap. Proof Schmoof. What's' good is that if we squelch it? Agreed."

Edited December 4, 2011 by IYIyTh

[Systemfailure]

Caption: Our love is forever...or until i lay my eggs in your throat


Dont Panic, once again proving that you can drink yourself sober if you have enough o/ VODKA \o

[summerisway2hot]

[quote]"Well the election starts on the twenty-first and I've been terribly inactive. Anyway we can eliminate any threats to my seat?"
"Don't worry, I have an assortment of lies all planned out. I've made sure there is no opportunity for the truth to be told, and I've talked to a few others who are willing to ignore that anyway because he upset them when telling them they should labor camp swap. Proof Schmoof. What's' good is that if we squelch it? Agreed." [/quote]

Wow, bitter much?

[Sabcat]

Caption competion: They told me how good a PGGB would make me feel but not how bad

[VLADITRON]

Again, the Mostly Harmless Alliance proves its irrelevance by releasing a sophomoric newsletter while the rest of the planet engages in the excitement of Global War. Your time may be better spent organizing a counterattack against the unrelenting forces of VODKA - it has been 16 days since my initial attack and my nation has still yet to be sent into anarchy.

However, the interview was inspired.

[Jonathan Webb II]

I don't care if XX did leave RIA out to dry after they stuck their necks out for you. I love these editions and I love your alliance! If anything ever happens to CRAP, I know where I am going next!

[summerisway2hot]

[quote name='VLADITRON' timestamp='1323011974' post='2862267']
Again, the Mostly Harmless Alliance proves its irrelevance by releasing a sophomoric newsletter while the rest of the planet engages in the excitement of Global War. Your time may be better spent organizing a counterattack against the unrelenting forces of VODKA - it has been 16 days since my initial attack and my nation has still yet to be sent into anarchy.

However, the interview was inspired.
[/quote]
Your nation also has yet to be within range of most of MHA's nations... just saying. once you get to 30ishk NS, then i encourage you to talk smack.

[IYIyTh]

[quote name='summerisway2hot' timestamp='1323007867' post='2862238']
Wow, bitter much?
[/quote]

Bitter? It's the best caption entry yet.

[Maximillian]

Excellent read!

Caption competition: Mom...Dad....I'm pregnant.

And also:

[img]http://memegenerator.net/cache/instances/400x/11/11632/11911832.jpg[/img]

[summerisway2hot]

[quote name='Maximillian' timestamp='1323023219' post='2862400']
Excellent read!

Caption competition: Mom...Dad....I'm pregnant.

And also:

[img]http://memegenerator.net/cache/instances/400x/11/11632/11911832.jpg[/img]
[/quote]


Winning Picture.

[Doctor Doc]

[quote name='Maximillian' timestamp='1323023219' post='2862400'][img]http://memegenerator.net/cache/instances/400x/11/11632/11911832.jpg[/img]
[/quote]
awesome

[Weirdgus]

Sorry, missed the vogon poetry, good read all around (sort of, for the most of it).

Edited December 4, 2011 by Weirdgus

[Ardus]

This isn't a Q&A, but I have to ask: how good does it feel to be rid of Myth?

[Gunther]

Nice read WCR! Welcome back to Planet Bob, buddy.

[WarriorConcept]

I enjoyed the article.